Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 5 - Boopa-dee Bappa-dee - full transcript
The Griffins take a trip to Italy and are forced to deal with annoying immigration laws after Peter destroys the family's passports.
It seems today
that all you see
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
Good afternoon, Quahog.
Our top story:
price wars are heating up
between all of
the major airlines
and even a couple of
the little crashy ones.
We now go live
to Tricia Takanawa
with more on the story.
Tom, I'm standing here at
Boston's Logan Airport,
where some of the same
security people
who let the terrorists
on the plane
are still gainfully employed.
With such low fares,
even those who never fly
are lining up
to buy tickets.
Early reports suggest
that this could be
the most profitable day
for airlines in
the last two decades.
I'm Tricia Takanawa.
Back to you, Tom.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Joe.
Wow, Peter,
did you hear that?
Low airfares.
Why don't we
take a trip?
We never go
anywhere anymore.
We're gettin' stagnant.
What are you
talking about?
We go places.
We took that helicopter
tour of Tucson.
Wow. I've never seen
so many boats
not near bodies of water.
That park is all concrete.
Look, there's a dog
tied to a other dog.
I think that guy with
long hair is a lawyer.
Look at all those students
running for their lives.
Oh, there's
the concrete park again.
Peter, I'm talking
about real travel.
We can finally afford
to go somewhere good.
Joe and Bonnie
went to Europe
and had the time
of their lives.
Hey, I know a place
you can go, Lois: Hell.
There, I said it.
Now shut your mouth.
Lois, I hate travelling.
Besides, my passport
picture is awful.
Ugh, you look like
a human cigarette.
But it's not just
about you, Peter.
Think about the family.
It would be an amazing
experience for the kids.
It would give them
some culture.
Lois, the kids can get
all the culture they need
right here in Quahog.
Really?
More culture
than Europe?
That's right, and I'm
gonna prove it to you.
I got more culture
in my pinkie toe
than all of Europe
put together.
Oh, my God!
I got ringworm, too,
but it's not classy like this.
Okay, kids, now this is
the Quahog Museum of Science.
A magical place
of cultural exploration.
That sucked.
Now, one thing that
makes us more cultured
than our European counterparts
is high school football.
Then why are we standing here
in the parking lot?
Because sometimes
your team loses,
and you have to
beat up the ref.
What part
of Eatonville you from, huh?
What part of Eatonville
you from?
Ow! West Eatonville.
Oh, really?
West Eatonville?
Do you know Bob Hanley?
I'm Bob Hanley.
No kidding!
Bob, it's me, Peter Griffin.
Oh, my God,
how the hell are you?
I'm doing great.
I'm doing great.
Well, hey, oh, listen.
I was really sorry
to hear about your dad.
Oh, that means a lot.
Yeah, I'm sorry
I couldn't make it to the wake.
I was out of town.
It's okay.
Thanks for the flowers.
Oh, it's the least I could do.
Hey, Chris, get over here.
You got to meet
my buddy Bob Hanley.
Hi, Mr. Hanley.
I'm Chris.
I heard a lot about you, sir.
We now return
to Downton Syndrome.
Well, if I must accept
your proposal in order
to break the entail
and save my family's estate,
then yes, I will marry you.
Yay!
Everyone,
I've got a surprise.
Whoa!
I did not see that coming.
No, Chris,
I haven't said it yet.
Today was the last day
of the low airfares,
and I couldn't let
the opportunity pass, so...
I got us tickets to Italy!
That's amazing, Mom!
Lois, is Peter
okay with this?
Well, Brian, I haven't
quite told him yet.
But what if he says no?
He can't say no.
I already
bought the tickets.
Tickets for what?
Uh, uh...
tickets for the, um,
the grand opening
of the biggest water park
in all of Rhode Island.
Hmm, well, pardon
my skepticism, Lois,
but I didn't read
about this in the latest issue
of Water Park Enthusiast Week.
Well, they-they had
to, um, keep it secret.
For fear that, um...
th-that this new park would put
all other water parks
out of business.
Typical Big Water.
Always keeping the
public in the dark.
So this one's bigger
than Raging Waters?
Yeah, Dad.
It's way bigger.
How does the boy know?
Uh, because I-I told him.
I-I know someone who-who helped,
uh, build it.
Wow, so we really got an
inside track on this thing.
But it can't be bigger
than Six Flags Atlantis.
Oh, it is, Peter, it is.
Because...
it's Seven Flags Atlantis.
That's a whole flag
more of water!
Get in the car!
Okay, everyone,
put the sunblock on now,
so when we get off the plane,
we go right to the park.
Wait, why are we on a plane?
Uh, you-you want to beat the
lines, don't you, Peter?
All-all right, Brian, enough.
I-I can't
do this anymore.
Peter, we're not
going to a water park.
We're going to Italy.
What?! But what about
Seven Flags Atlantis?
Peter, don't be silly.
Th-There's no such place.
This is your captain speaking.
If you look out the left side
of the airplane,
you'll see the very popular
Seven Flags Atlantis.
Aw!
I'm gonna go ahead
and turn off the seatbelt sign,
so you idiots can all stretch
and let the fart festival begin.
Why are you such
a dick, Jim?
I'm just mad
about pilot stuff.
I can't believe you tricked
me into going to Italy.
Peter, our family could use
a trip like this.
Plus, it might be good
for you and me, too.
It's the most romantic country
in the whole world.
And God knows we could use a
little romance in our marriage.
What are you talking about?
Just the other night
we did that role-playing.
Did you like that game of
mysterious intruder, Lois?
I told you...
I don't know who you are.
And my name isn't Lois.
Mine is.
Let's do it again.
Is it true there's
no drinking age here?
And they serve wine
at every meal?
Oh, Meg, nobody
likes a drunky-chunky.
In college, a lot of guys
are gonna make you a dare.
Hey, you know what, guys?
We're six hours ahead here.
I'm gonna call Joe
and tell him the future.
Hey, Joe, guess
what's about to happen?
Who is this?
It's Peter.
That's impossible.
Peter died six hours ago.
We can't go back.
Look, kids,
this is the Forum,
where the ancient Romans
used to have
their famous
political debates.
And this is the Penthouse Forum,
where dirtbags write letters
about boning in the
back of grocery stores.
Well, who wants to see where
the ancients established
the foundation of
our American democracy?
And who wants to hear
a story about a girl
who moved to New York
without any underpants?
I don't know
why we even go places.
We always just end up
reading pornography.
We now return
to Italian Star Trek.
I know I supposed
to be-a so logical,
but I get-a so steaming a-mad!
Peter, the kids are going
to the Italian circus,
so I thought
it might be romantic
if we watched the sunset
from St. Peter's Basilica.
You go ahead, I'm gonna stay
here and get frustrated
with this nonresponsive
hotel TV remote.
Come on! Guide!
I'm pressing "Guide"!
Stupid remote's
not doing anything!
Stop what you're doing!
Peter, you can't just
sit in front of the TV
the entire vacation.
You know, I'm really getting
tired of you being
such a complete
stick-in-the-mud.
Is that some kind
of gay slur?
I can't believe it's
too much for you
to watch a sunset
with your wife
in one of the most romantic
cities in the world!
But, you know what?
It's probably for the best.
Because you'd just
complain about it!
Well, what do you expect, Lois?
I didn't want to come here
in the first place.
I'd rather be back home.
You know, I could be
riding seesaw with Joe.
Yay!
Well, I guess we're stuck.
Hang on.
Let me empty this bag.
Yay, gross.
Fine, you just sit
here on the couch.
I'll go enjoy
Italy without you!
God, what the hell's
her problem?
You know, sometimes
I think you forget
how lucky you
are to have Lois.
Otherwise, you wouldn't be
acting like such a jerk.
Oh, I'm getting it
from you now?
Don't worry about Lois.
She's an American woman
in Italy.
She'll go out,
kill her roommate
during a sex game,
and then she'll be fine.
She might come back
even hotter.
Well, you might want
to look out there.
What the hell's she doing
with that Italian guy?
Hey, guys? Do I got to tip
the gondolier in here?
I, uh, got a little blockage.
I break-a the poops up
In-a little chunks...
I wish I had someone special
to share this with.
Let me give you a tour
on-a the Vespa.
I show you all-a the things
I do all day
that make-a me smell like this.
Hey, Lois, what the hell's
going on here?
Ah, we're
just having fun, Peter.
Something you know
nothing about.
Oh, man, she really is upset.
Having lady
problems, are you, pal?
Dean Martin?!
What are you doing here?
I thought you were dead.
Well, paisan,
as long as love is
alive in Italy, so am I.
Now, look, buddy, there's
a million ways to lose a gal,
but there's only one sure way
to get her back.
Turn on the old Italian charm.
But I'm not Italian.
Well, you're in Italy,
ain't you?
I think so, I-I haven't
been paying attention.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna ride this rigatoni
into the sky.
Volare
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Cantare
Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho...
Let's fly way up
to the clouds...
Dean, wait!
Hey! Get away from him!
Peter, you okay?
Brian? What happened?
I was watching you
from the window.
When Lois pulled away
on that motorcycle,
you laid down on the ground
and went to sleep.
Well, I'm awake
now, Brian.
And I know what
I've got to do.
Well, before you
do anything,
for God's sake,
put some clothes on.
Brian, calm down.
In some countries,
this is a compliment.
Mmm.
Mmmm!
Oh, my goodness! Mmm-mm!
Oh, please, come on.
Is just something
I threw together.
What the hell?
Mi amore!
I am here to put you on a
pedestal with Italian romance.
Look, Peter, showing up here
in that stupid costume
isn't going to win me over.
That's because you lack
the passion of true Italian.
Mi amore!
Peter, stop it.
Speak with your heart,
not your mouth.
Ugh, damn it, Peter!
You mean "Pietro."
Well, by the laws
of Italy,
I must now kiss
myself passionately.
Peter, are you
all right?
Are you kidding?
I'm great!
Bouncing around Italia
'Cause I'm a little ball
I can fit wherever,
'cause I am really small
And now, the next scene.
Peter, put me down!
Lois, to prove my love,
I have convinced
20,000 soccer fans
to hold up a romantic
message just for you.
Peter!
Oh, they missed a letter.
Okay, I'll admit it...
this is pretty romantic.
Listen, Lois.
I'm sorry for being
such a jerk, all right?
I love you.
I want to have your baby.
Peter, not on a boat.
Peter...
Oh, Peter...
Come on, Lois, I got
a ninety-percenter going.
It could go either way.
Let's start making choices.
Oh, Peter...
I love you.
I love you, too.
Wow, Peter, last night was
the best sex I've ever had.
Me, too.
We haven't done it like that
since we were engaged
but allowed to sleep
with other people.
What-What are you
talking about?
The point is, Italy is the best
thing that ever happened to us.
I know, it's been
wonderful.
I wish we never
had to leave.
Well, then, let's not.
Let's live here.
What? Peter, but...
but we've built a life
back in Quahog.
Yeah, but you
were right, Lois,
we were stagnating
back home.
Let's start a new life,
right here in Italy.
Peter, those were our passports!
We don't need them anymore.
Kids, I got an announcement.
He's wearing
a rubber.
We're staying in Italy.
We're Italian now.
What?!
Are you kidding?!
Well, if we're
going to be Italian,
I guess we should start
murdering our brothers.
What are you...?
You break-a
my heart, Chris.
You break-a my heart.
Hey, Peter,
what's-a you rush?
I got-a the most beautiful woman
in the world at home,
and I no wanna keep her waiting.
Hey, Vincenzo,
play me a tune, huh?
Oh, Vincenzo!
Insalata Caprese!
Ah, Italy.
It 9:00 a.m.
and I've already kissed
eight guys twice.
Why-a you looking
at other babies, huh?
Why you make-a me
do that, Ruperto?
I no wanna do that!
Peter, I know you
love it here,
but riding your
bike around town
isn't paying the bills,
and the kids aren't
learning anything
at that Italian school.
Look at these
big ones, huh?
Rut-ta-ta ta-ta,
rut-ta-ta ta-ta,
rut-ta-ta ta-ta!
Is this calculus?
I don't know.
Rut-ta-ta ta-ta!
I think maybe it's time
to go back to our
real home in Quahog.
But I thought
you loved Italy.
And Italian Peter.
And Southern
Italian Peter.
Olive oil!
I do, but I love
American Peter even more.
Lois is right.
We're barely
surviving here.
I mean, you have to give
most of what you earn
to the mafia that
terrorizes this village.
Peter, I think it's time
we all go back home.
Of course we have to leave
as soon as I get
an Italian boyfriend.
You know, I still
don't understand
what he does for a living.
He gathers coins from the air
by jumping on mushrooms.
What's so hard to understand?!
Hey, Meg, let's go-a
two-player!
I got-a Luigi
here, huh?
Hey, Meg-a!
Mario said-a you were
into-a weird-a stuff.
So, you see, Mr. Consulate,
all we want to do is get back
to our home in America.
So, can we have
our new passports now?
Mr. Griffin, it's not
as simple as that.
Your family must take
a citizenship test
and go through
the immigration process
like any other
foreigner.
Foreigner?
We're not foreigners.
Sorry, Mrs. Griffin.
Not only did you
destroy your passports,
you renounced our citizenship.
When did we do that?
Oh, I did that
on the Italian social
networking site,
"Shut-up-a-you-facebook."
All right, Meg, part of
being an American citizen
is having an opinion on certain
hot-button political issues.
Now, what is your
abortion stance?
It's pretty much this.
Now, if you will,
please sing
the national anthem
of the United States.
O say can you see
By the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed
At the twilight's
last gleaming
And I...
Eee-I...
Will always love you-ooh...
Oh-I-ee-I...
Okay, I've reviewed
your application.
Now, where
you listed employment,
some of you wrote "Family Guy,"
and others wrote
"The Family Guy."
Which one is it?
It's "Family Guy."
All right,
now that you've completed
your initial application,
it will need to be filed
by an immigration lawyer
at a cost of approximately
$5,000 per person.
And assuming
that all goes through,
you should have your
citizenship back in 16 months.
Sixteen months?
If I didn't know any better,
I'd think you were making it
hard to become
a citizen on purpose.
Like you don't want any
immigrants coming to the U.S.
I wish that were true,
Mrs. Griffin,
and it probably might be.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go sit on my fat wife.
I'm ready for you,
String Bean!
What a weird guy.
Oh, this is terrible.
Peter, what are
we going to do?
I'll tell you what
we're going to do.
We're going
to sneak in.
Well, we better get there soon.
I want to be there for opening
night of Karate Kid 5.
Mr. Miyagi, this is
kind of embarrassing,
but I'm having a problem
with erectile dysfunction.
Aye, Daniel-san.
Miyagi fix.
Well, I'm so glad to finally
be back home in Quahog.
Although,
I will miss Italy.
You made the trip very
special for me, Peter.
Well, thanks for showing
me and the kids
what the rest of
the world is like, Lois.
I think we all learned a lot.
And we met a lot
of great people.
Hey, what about that
couple we met in Amalfi?
Did you get their number?
I did. You ready?
Yup.
Okay, it's
19-565-55018...
81-453...
989-90...
016-8945-2.
Well, I can't wait to see the
rest of the world with you guys.
Mario! You came for me!
Come with me, Meg,
my princess.
We gonna take this relationship
to the next level.
Luigi's here again?
I thought that was
a one-time thing.
He like-a my sloppy seconds.
We-a plumber brothers.
We-a not-a high class people.
that all you see
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
Good afternoon, Quahog.
Our top story:
price wars are heating up
between all of
the major airlines
and even a couple of
the little crashy ones.
We now go live
to Tricia Takanawa
with more on the story.
Tom, I'm standing here at
Boston's Logan Airport,
where some of the same
security people
who let the terrorists
on the plane
are still gainfully employed.
With such low fares,
even those who never fly
are lining up
to buy tickets.
Early reports suggest
that this could be
the most profitable day
for airlines in
the last two decades.
I'm Tricia Takanawa.
Back to you, Tom.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Joe.
Wow, Peter,
did you hear that?
Low airfares.
Why don't we
take a trip?
We never go
anywhere anymore.
We're gettin' stagnant.
What are you
talking about?
We go places.
We took that helicopter
tour of Tucson.
Wow. I've never seen
so many boats
not near bodies of water.
That park is all concrete.
Look, there's a dog
tied to a other dog.
I think that guy with
long hair is a lawyer.
Look at all those students
running for their lives.
Oh, there's
the concrete park again.
Peter, I'm talking
about real travel.
We can finally afford
to go somewhere good.
Joe and Bonnie
went to Europe
and had the time
of their lives.
Hey, I know a place
you can go, Lois: Hell.
There, I said it.
Now shut your mouth.
Lois, I hate travelling.
Besides, my passport
picture is awful.
Ugh, you look like
a human cigarette.
But it's not just
about you, Peter.
Think about the family.
It would be an amazing
experience for the kids.
It would give them
some culture.
Lois, the kids can get
all the culture they need
right here in Quahog.
Really?
More culture
than Europe?
That's right, and I'm
gonna prove it to you.
I got more culture
in my pinkie toe
than all of Europe
put together.
Oh, my God!
I got ringworm, too,
but it's not classy like this.
Okay, kids, now this is
the Quahog Museum of Science.
A magical place
of cultural exploration.
That sucked.
Now, one thing that
makes us more cultured
than our European counterparts
is high school football.
Then why are we standing here
in the parking lot?
Because sometimes
your team loses,
and you have to
beat up the ref.
What part
of Eatonville you from, huh?
What part of Eatonville
you from?
Ow! West Eatonville.
Oh, really?
West Eatonville?
Do you know Bob Hanley?
I'm Bob Hanley.
No kidding!
Bob, it's me, Peter Griffin.
Oh, my God,
how the hell are you?
I'm doing great.
I'm doing great.
Well, hey, oh, listen.
I was really sorry
to hear about your dad.
Oh, that means a lot.
Yeah, I'm sorry
I couldn't make it to the wake.
I was out of town.
It's okay.
Thanks for the flowers.
Oh, it's the least I could do.
Hey, Chris, get over here.
You got to meet
my buddy Bob Hanley.
Hi, Mr. Hanley.
I'm Chris.
I heard a lot about you, sir.
We now return
to Downton Syndrome.
Well, if I must accept
your proposal in order
to break the entail
and save my family's estate,
then yes, I will marry you.
Yay!
Everyone,
I've got a surprise.
Whoa!
I did not see that coming.
No, Chris,
I haven't said it yet.
Today was the last day
of the low airfares,
and I couldn't let
the opportunity pass, so...
I got us tickets to Italy!
That's amazing, Mom!
Lois, is Peter
okay with this?
Well, Brian, I haven't
quite told him yet.
But what if he says no?
He can't say no.
I already
bought the tickets.
Tickets for what?
Uh, uh...
tickets for the, um,
the grand opening
of the biggest water park
in all of Rhode Island.
Hmm, well, pardon
my skepticism, Lois,
but I didn't read
about this in the latest issue
of Water Park Enthusiast Week.
Well, they-they had
to, um, keep it secret.
For fear that, um...
th-that this new park would put
all other water parks
out of business.
Typical Big Water.
Always keeping the
public in the dark.
So this one's bigger
than Raging Waters?
Yeah, Dad.
It's way bigger.
How does the boy know?
Uh, because I-I told him.
I-I know someone who-who helped,
uh, build it.
Wow, so we really got an
inside track on this thing.
But it can't be bigger
than Six Flags Atlantis.
Oh, it is, Peter, it is.
Because...
it's Seven Flags Atlantis.
That's a whole flag
more of water!
Get in the car!
Okay, everyone,
put the sunblock on now,
so when we get off the plane,
we go right to the park.
Wait, why are we on a plane?
Uh, you-you want to beat the
lines, don't you, Peter?
All-all right, Brian, enough.
I-I can't
do this anymore.
Peter, we're not
going to a water park.
We're going to Italy.
What?! But what about
Seven Flags Atlantis?
Peter, don't be silly.
Th-There's no such place.
This is your captain speaking.
If you look out the left side
of the airplane,
you'll see the very popular
Seven Flags Atlantis.
Aw!
I'm gonna go ahead
and turn off the seatbelt sign,
so you idiots can all stretch
and let the fart festival begin.
Why are you such
a dick, Jim?
I'm just mad
about pilot stuff.
I can't believe you tricked
me into going to Italy.
Peter, our family could use
a trip like this.
Plus, it might be good
for you and me, too.
It's the most romantic country
in the whole world.
And God knows we could use a
little romance in our marriage.
What are you talking about?
Just the other night
we did that role-playing.
Did you like that game of
mysterious intruder, Lois?
I told you...
I don't know who you are.
And my name isn't Lois.
Mine is.
Let's do it again.
Is it true there's
no drinking age here?
And they serve wine
at every meal?
Oh, Meg, nobody
likes a drunky-chunky.
In college, a lot of guys
are gonna make you a dare.
Hey, you know what, guys?
We're six hours ahead here.
I'm gonna call Joe
and tell him the future.
Hey, Joe, guess
what's about to happen?
Who is this?
It's Peter.
That's impossible.
Peter died six hours ago.
We can't go back.
Look, kids,
this is the Forum,
where the ancient Romans
used to have
their famous
political debates.
And this is the Penthouse Forum,
where dirtbags write letters
about boning in the
back of grocery stores.
Well, who wants to see where
the ancients established
the foundation of
our American democracy?
And who wants to hear
a story about a girl
who moved to New York
without any underpants?
I don't know
why we even go places.
We always just end up
reading pornography.
We now return
to Italian Star Trek.
I know I supposed
to be-a so logical,
but I get-a so steaming a-mad!
Peter, the kids are going
to the Italian circus,
so I thought
it might be romantic
if we watched the sunset
from St. Peter's Basilica.
You go ahead, I'm gonna stay
here and get frustrated
with this nonresponsive
hotel TV remote.
Come on! Guide!
I'm pressing "Guide"!
Stupid remote's
not doing anything!
Stop what you're doing!
Peter, you can't just
sit in front of the TV
the entire vacation.
You know, I'm really getting
tired of you being
such a complete
stick-in-the-mud.
Is that some kind
of gay slur?
I can't believe it's
too much for you
to watch a sunset
with your wife
in one of the most romantic
cities in the world!
But, you know what?
It's probably for the best.
Because you'd just
complain about it!
Well, what do you expect, Lois?
I didn't want to come here
in the first place.
I'd rather be back home.
You know, I could be
riding seesaw with Joe.
Yay!
Well, I guess we're stuck.
Hang on.
Let me empty this bag.
Yay, gross.
Fine, you just sit
here on the couch.
I'll go enjoy
Italy without you!
God, what the hell's
her problem?
You know, sometimes
I think you forget
how lucky you
are to have Lois.
Otherwise, you wouldn't be
acting like such a jerk.
Oh, I'm getting it
from you now?
Don't worry about Lois.
She's an American woman
in Italy.
She'll go out,
kill her roommate
during a sex game,
and then she'll be fine.
She might come back
even hotter.
Well, you might want
to look out there.
What the hell's she doing
with that Italian guy?
Hey, guys? Do I got to tip
the gondolier in here?
I, uh, got a little blockage.
I break-a the poops up
In-a little chunks...
I wish I had someone special
to share this with.
Let me give you a tour
on-a the Vespa.
I show you all-a the things
I do all day
that make-a me smell like this.
Hey, Lois, what the hell's
going on here?
Ah, we're
just having fun, Peter.
Something you know
nothing about.
Oh, man, she really is upset.
Having lady
problems, are you, pal?
Dean Martin?!
What are you doing here?
I thought you were dead.
Well, paisan,
as long as love is
alive in Italy, so am I.
Now, look, buddy, there's
a million ways to lose a gal,
but there's only one sure way
to get her back.
Turn on the old Italian charm.
But I'm not Italian.
Well, you're in Italy,
ain't you?
I think so, I-I haven't
been paying attention.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna ride this rigatoni
into the sky.
Volare
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Cantare
Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho...
Let's fly way up
to the clouds...
Dean, wait!
Hey! Get away from him!
Peter, you okay?
Brian? What happened?
I was watching you
from the window.
When Lois pulled away
on that motorcycle,
you laid down on the ground
and went to sleep.
Well, I'm awake
now, Brian.
And I know what
I've got to do.
Well, before you
do anything,
for God's sake,
put some clothes on.
Brian, calm down.
In some countries,
this is a compliment.
Mmm.
Mmmm!
Oh, my goodness! Mmm-mm!
Oh, please, come on.
Is just something
I threw together.
What the hell?
Mi amore!
I am here to put you on a
pedestal with Italian romance.
Look, Peter, showing up here
in that stupid costume
isn't going to win me over.
That's because you lack
the passion of true Italian.
Mi amore!
Peter, stop it.
Speak with your heart,
not your mouth.
Ugh, damn it, Peter!
You mean "Pietro."
Well, by the laws
of Italy,
I must now kiss
myself passionately.
Peter, are you
all right?
Are you kidding?
I'm great!
Bouncing around Italia
'Cause I'm a little ball
I can fit wherever,
'cause I am really small
And now, the next scene.
Peter, put me down!
Lois, to prove my love,
I have convinced
20,000 soccer fans
to hold up a romantic
message just for you.
Peter!
Oh, they missed a letter.
Okay, I'll admit it...
this is pretty romantic.
Listen, Lois.
I'm sorry for being
such a jerk, all right?
I love you.
I want to have your baby.
Peter, not on a boat.
Peter...
Oh, Peter...
Come on, Lois, I got
a ninety-percenter going.
It could go either way.
Let's start making choices.
Oh, Peter...
I love you.
I love you, too.
Wow, Peter, last night was
the best sex I've ever had.
Me, too.
We haven't done it like that
since we were engaged
but allowed to sleep
with other people.
What-What are you
talking about?
The point is, Italy is the best
thing that ever happened to us.
I know, it's been
wonderful.
I wish we never
had to leave.
Well, then, let's not.
Let's live here.
What? Peter, but...
but we've built a life
back in Quahog.
Yeah, but you
were right, Lois,
we were stagnating
back home.
Let's start a new life,
right here in Italy.
Peter, those were our passports!
We don't need them anymore.
Kids, I got an announcement.
He's wearing
a rubber.
We're staying in Italy.
We're Italian now.
What?!
Are you kidding?!
Well, if we're
going to be Italian,
I guess we should start
murdering our brothers.
What are you...?
You break-a
my heart, Chris.
You break-a my heart.
Hey, Peter,
what's-a you rush?
I got-a the most beautiful woman
in the world at home,
and I no wanna keep her waiting.
Hey, Vincenzo,
play me a tune, huh?
Oh, Vincenzo!
Insalata Caprese!
Ah, Italy.
It 9:00 a.m.
and I've already kissed
eight guys twice.
Why-a you looking
at other babies, huh?
Why you make-a me
do that, Ruperto?
I no wanna do that!
Peter, I know you
love it here,
but riding your
bike around town
isn't paying the bills,
and the kids aren't
learning anything
at that Italian school.
Look at these
big ones, huh?
Rut-ta-ta ta-ta,
rut-ta-ta ta-ta,
rut-ta-ta ta-ta!
Is this calculus?
I don't know.
Rut-ta-ta ta-ta!
I think maybe it's time
to go back to our
real home in Quahog.
But I thought
you loved Italy.
And Italian Peter.
And Southern
Italian Peter.
Olive oil!
I do, but I love
American Peter even more.
Lois is right.
We're barely
surviving here.
I mean, you have to give
most of what you earn
to the mafia that
terrorizes this village.
Peter, I think it's time
we all go back home.
Of course we have to leave
as soon as I get
an Italian boyfriend.
You know, I still
don't understand
what he does for a living.
He gathers coins from the air
by jumping on mushrooms.
What's so hard to understand?!
Hey, Meg, let's go-a
two-player!
I got-a Luigi
here, huh?
Hey, Meg-a!
Mario said-a you were
into-a weird-a stuff.
So, you see, Mr. Consulate,
all we want to do is get back
to our home in America.
So, can we have
our new passports now?
Mr. Griffin, it's not
as simple as that.
Your family must take
a citizenship test
and go through
the immigration process
like any other
foreigner.
Foreigner?
We're not foreigners.
Sorry, Mrs. Griffin.
Not only did you
destroy your passports,
you renounced our citizenship.
When did we do that?
Oh, I did that
on the Italian social
networking site,
"Shut-up-a-you-facebook."
All right, Meg, part of
being an American citizen
is having an opinion on certain
hot-button political issues.
Now, what is your
abortion stance?
It's pretty much this.
Now, if you will,
please sing
the national anthem
of the United States.
O say can you see
By the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed
At the twilight's
last gleaming
And I...
Eee-I...
Will always love you-ooh...
Oh-I-ee-I...
Okay, I've reviewed
your application.
Now, where
you listed employment,
some of you wrote "Family Guy,"
and others wrote
"The Family Guy."
Which one is it?
It's "Family Guy."
All right,
now that you've completed
your initial application,
it will need to be filed
by an immigration lawyer
at a cost of approximately
$5,000 per person.
And assuming
that all goes through,
you should have your
citizenship back in 16 months.
Sixteen months?
If I didn't know any better,
I'd think you were making it
hard to become
a citizen on purpose.
Like you don't want any
immigrants coming to the U.S.
I wish that were true,
Mrs. Griffin,
and it probably might be.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go sit on my fat wife.
I'm ready for you,
String Bean!
What a weird guy.
Oh, this is terrible.
Peter, what are
we going to do?
I'll tell you what
we're going to do.
We're going
to sneak in.
Well, we better get there soon.
I want to be there for opening
night of Karate Kid 5.
Mr. Miyagi, this is
kind of embarrassing,
but I'm having a problem
with erectile dysfunction.
Aye, Daniel-san.
Miyagi fix.
Well, I'm so glad to finally
be back home in Quahog.
Although,
I will miss Italy.
You made the trip very
special for me, Peter.
Well, thanks for showing
me and the kids
what the rest of
the world is like, Lois.
I think we all learned a lot.
And we met a lot
of great people.
Hey, what about that
couple we met in Amalfi?
Did you get their number?
I did. You ready?
Yup.
Okay, it's
19-565-55018...
81-453...
989-90...
016-8945-2.
Well, I can't wait to see the
rest of the world with you guys.
Mario! You came for me!
Come with me, Meg,
my princess.
We gonna take this relationship
to the next level.
Luigi's here again?
I thought that was
a one-time thing.
He like-a my sloppy seconds.
We-a plumber brothers.
We-a not-a high class people.