Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 4 - A Fistful of Meg - full transcript

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

We now return
to Captain Central America.

It worked!



Gracias.
What are my powers?

Oh, yeah. It's weird.

You're, like, really good
at painting my living room.

Up, up, and get it done
by Saturday.

We're having a party.

Hey, Brian. Can you come
in here a sec?

Sure, Peter,
what's up?

You're a well-read guy, right?

Well, I don't know. I guess
when I read my Henry David,

I tend to be
pretty Thoreau.

Shut up!
Yeah, 'cause, you see,

I been reading this
novel about three guys,

happen to be pigs, uh,

that decide to build
their own houses.



So, now, one of 'em builds
his house out of straws.

Right? Now, how the hell do
you build a house out of straws?

And-and three pigs
living together?

Gay. You know?
And so's the wolf.

He's chasing pigs and
blowing everything in sight.

Peter,
what are you doing?

I'm just getting ready for bed.
What's wrong?

You're-you're naked.
I'm-I'm right here.

Who cares? You're my dog.

Everybody gets naked
in front of their dog.

Besides, you're always naked,

except for when Lois dresses
you up in that rain gear.

Okay, everyone
in the car!

We're going
to Martha's Vineyard!

Do I have to wear this on the ferry?
Yes, you do.

What about Peter?

Why-why doesn't he
have to wear this crap?

Peter's
in his crate.

I'm actually relieved.

The ferry would be
overstimulating.

Mama!

What are you doing
out of your box?

Hey, Megan.
Oh, hey, guys.

Wait, did you
just call me Megan?

That's your name, isn't it?

Actually, "Meg" is short
for something else.

Peter, would you give this
to the nurse?

Uh-huh.

Robots in disguise.

Hey, did you guys hear
about that new kid?

The emo Muslim?

Death to America.

No, this other guy,
Mike Pulaski.

He's a complete psycho.

I heard he knifed a kid
on the playground,

then beat up the knife.

I heard he can watch Friday
Night Lights without crying.

I heard the volleyball team's

playing a tournament
in San Diego.

There's a lot
of exciting stuff going on.

Man, he looks mean.

You're very judgmental
lately.

I don't like this, Brandon.

The best way to disarm a
bully is to befriend him.

Watch and learn.

Hey, what's up,
my main man?

Listen, if you ever
need the scoop

on the local babe scene,
just ask.

Yeah, I'll do that.

Awesome.

Doo doo doo doo doo,
taking a shower

Taking a little break
to bite at the water...

Ah!

Oh, hey, Brian.
Don't worry,

there's no blade in the razor
'cause I'm learning.

Peter, what the hell?!
What? What's the matter?

What do you mean what's the
matter? You're completely naked!

I told you I'm not
comfortable with that!

Brian, I can get nude
whenever I want, all right?

This is my home,
and a man's home is his castle.

Halt, wench!

State your business.

Peter, will you please
put down the drawbridge?

I got a car
full of groceries.

Hmm. Anything else?

I also went
to the video store

and got Garfield:
A Tail of Two Kitties.

Hey, you guys want
to sleep over this weekend?

My moms are going out of town to
a scrapbooking-clambake retreat.

What are they
gonna do there?

They'll just be scissoring stuff
and eating clams all weekend.

Sure, sounds grea...

Oh...

fudge.

Only I didn't say "fudge."

I said.

Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry!

What's your name, dude?

Meg Griffin!

3:00, Friday.

I will destroy you.

Chris, you have
my back, right?

I don't know.
Let me check.

Yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna need it for the fight.

We now return
to the Kentucky Derby,

where 90% of the audience

roots for the horse
with the cutest name.

And they're off!

It's Battle Axe, followed by
Redbeard, followed by Bishop,

followed by Smiling Pink Bear!

Oh, my God, that's my horse!

And on the outside,
here comes Tiny Kitten Kisses!

No, no, that one!

And here comes It's Bedtime!

Oh, I do not like him.

Meg, what's wrong?

Some psycho just transferred
to my school,

and he's going
to kill me!

Boy, she must really
be PBS-ing, right?

What? I mean, it's like,
pop a couple of tampons, you know?

Stewie, do you even know
what a menstrual cycle is?

Uh, yeah, Brian.

It's a good way to get around
town, that's what it is.

Oh, good,
you're alone.

Hey, Lois.
Why are you wearing a robe?

Well, I heard about how Peter's
making you see him naked lately,

so I thought the only way to get
even is for you to see me naked.

Wh... Really?
Yeah.

It only seems fair.

You know what, that makes sense
to me. I mean...

All right, here we go.

You thought you were
gonna see my wife's penis,

but, no, it's mine!

You idiot!

Good morning, students.

This is Principal Shepherd
with the morning announcements.

Remember that all wagers on
Friday's Meg Griffin slaughter

must be on my desk by Thursday.

Also, Zack Morris,
if you could stop freezing time

to talk to the camera,
the day would go a lot faster.

Oh, my God, you guys,
what am I gonna do?

That psycho
is going to kill me.

Meg, you've got to find a way
out of this fight.

Yeah, Meg. You can do it.
You're a smart woman,

and women can do
anything nowadays.

I guess you're right.

It's not
like it's the 1950s.

So I see you graduated
number one

in your class from Princeton.
That's right.

And I'm certified as an accountant
and also have a law degree.

That's all very impressive.

We'll keep you in mind.

Let's see, Pointy Boobs,
Medium-Pointy Boobs,

Not-So-Pointy Boobs.

That's a shame.

Hey, Mom, I need to transfer
to a different school.

Meg, we've been over this.
Just because a Facebook page

has over 2,000 likes doesn't
mean you have to kill yourself.

I-It's not that.
Mom, please?

There's other schools.

Carlisle Academy leads the state
in teen pregnancies.

So... I might
meet somebody.

Meg, Carlisle Academy's
a private school.

We can't afford it.

Don't you remember how much
money your father wasted

so he could make grand
staircase entrances?

Hey, is Peter here?

Hang on.

Peter!

Why, Glenn Quagmire.

It's been 10 years
if it's been a day.

I figured out how to get out
of this fight.

All I have to do
is get expelled.

That sex tape I released
should be everywhere by now,

and then they'll have
to kick me out of the school.

Come on! Really?

Ooh.

You know what?

Good for her.

Hey, guys, you four
are pretty much

the toughest guys
in school, right?

What would it take to get
you to beat up Mike Pulaski?

Mental Mike?
Are you kidding?

Come on, guys,
I'll do anything.

I-I'll give you
a Swallow Friday.

You mean
a Follow Friday?

Oh...

I've been doing
Twitter all wrong.

Okay, okay.
I-I'll just pay you.

Oh, yeah? Well,
you're looking at 1,000 bucks

for something like that.

$1,000? All right.

But it's gonna be hard
to get that kind of money.

I mean, I'm not Judge Judy.

Hi, I'm Judge Judy.

I get paid $45 million a year to
yell at people who have nothing.

Now here's an ad about
a fat-people disease you have.

We now return to B.E.T. E.T.

Don't you need
to phone home?

Nah, I do it later.

Brian Griffin?

Uh, yeah, that's me.

Here you go.

Aah! Oh, God!

What's in the
box, Brian?

I got you good!

I don't feel right.
I want it back.

What's going on?

Did that kid from
the future come back?

Oh, no!

Meg, are you okay?

You guys, I've tried
everything, but it's hopeless!

He's going to kill me.

I can already
picture my funeral.

Thanks. Didn't want
to pay for the hole.

This is such
a nightmare!

At least I
have you guys.

I don't know what I
would do without you.

Yeah, uh, about that.

Listen, Meg,
we decided that maybe it's best

if you don't talk to us anymore.

Yeah, we could be
targeted by association.

I don't want to get
beaten up by a guy

unless it's in a limo
after prom.

So you're all gonna ditch me
when I need you most?

Yeah, Meg,
it's natural selection.

This is how it works
in the wild.

Hey. Hey, how you doing?
Hey there.

Hey. Nice spot, huh?
Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's great.

Especially 'cause of
that thing over there.

You know what's in there? Corn.

Really? Wow.
I could go for some corn.

You're dark, Rog.

I don't care.

Good luck, Meg.

Now we must retreat
into the shadows.

What am I gonna do?

Sounds like you have
a pretty big problem, Meg.

Huh?

Mr. Quagmire?

What are you doing in here?

This is my base
of operations.

WOMAN
Mr. Quagmire,

the girls' gym class

will be in the showers
in 20 minutes.

Thank you, Shirley.

She's been with
me 12 years.

It's her birthday today.

Didn't get her anything.

So, I guess you heard
about the fight, huh?

Oh, yeah, they're talking about
it in all the girls' bathrooms.

I'm so dead.

No, you're not,

because I'm gonna help you
defeat Mike Pulaski.

You are?

That's right.

Be at my house first
thing tomorrow morning,

and we'll get started.

Wow, thanks, Mr. Quagmire.

Well, I better get home.

What a good way
to get around town.

Okay, Meg, you've got a bully
problem, and I'm gonna help you.

But, Mr. Quagmire,
why would you want to help me?

Because I was once
in your shoes, Meg.

I wasn't always the confident
guy you see before you.

You see, I, too,
was terrorized by a bully.

It was 1986, and the cola wars
were at a frenzy.

I was sitting in the RC section
of the cafeteria

when Tracy Bellings approached.

Why aren't you drinking
Coke, you dork?

Pepsi would also
be acceptable!

It doesn't have
to be a two-cola system!

RC is what keeps the big guys
on their toes!

You know what "RC"
stands for, don't you?

"Chicks Rule!"

She was dyslexic.

Anyway, that was the beginning

of a long,
abusive relationship.

It's one thing if you put
your penis inside-out

in the safety
of your own bedroom,

but to have it done
in the cafeteria...

To this day,
I can't have sex with a woman

against her will
without thinking about rape.

And that's
why I'm gonna help you, Meg.

I never faced my bully.

I don't want you
to make the same mistake.

But how?

Over the years,

I've tested the limits
of the human body.

How much it can stuff in,
swallow or choke on.

How a scrotum can be stretched

into a makeshift sail
if stranded at sea.

All this knowledge is gonna
help you win your fight.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Quagmire.

I'll take any help I can get.

I haven't been this scared

since my dad stopped showering
for six months.

Great meatloaf, Mom.

Thanks, honey.

Hungry!

Hungry!

Pour food on my pile!

Okay, Peter, here you go.

Mmm. I will assimilate
this new smell

into the larger Borg
of my smells.

Oh, by the way,
Rupert, good news.

I pooped out your bow tie.

Gaah!

Geez, what the hell, Brian?!

I can't take it anymore!

Message for Brian Griffin!

I lost my ass gambling.
Have you seen it?

Leave me alone, you jerk!

Stewie, you got to help me.

Peter just won't let up
with the nudity.

Well, you know how
the fat man operates.

He won't stop
unless he's stopped.

The only way
you're going to end this is

if you find a way
to even the score.

You've got to be nude.

Stewie, I am nude.

I'm just covered with fur.

Well, shave it off.

Give him a taste
of his own medicine.

Maybe you're right.

I mean, I got to do something.

This is just one of those things
he won't let up with.

Like when he was guest hosting
Inside the Actor's Studio.

Jeff Daniels, what
is your favorite Care Bear?

I, uh, uh... I don't know
any of the Care Bears.

Right, but if you had to pick
one, who would be your favorite?

Well, like I said,
I'm not really familiar...

You can just say the color.
I know all the Care Bears.

I... I don't know.
The blue one.

There's, like,
11 blue ones, Jeff.

Are you here to dick around,

or you want to do
Inside the Actor's Studio?

All right, Meg, the best way
for you to focus your rage is

if I wear the
mask of the person

who's bullied you
every day of your life.

Now, when I give the word,

I want you to come at me
with everything you got.

Oh, hey, Meg.
Hey, Peter.

You know, Peter,
I'm glad I ran into you.

We really need
to talk about Quagmire.

You got time for a beer?

I don't know.
He's just so needy.

And I feel like he's
jealous of our friendship.

You all right, Peter?

You seem a little
quiet today.

I'm fine!
Oh, okay, good.

Hey, Peter.
Hey, Joe.

I'm glad
you guys are here.

I've got terrible,
gross medical news for Quagmire.

Maybe you can help me
break it to him.

Mr. Quagmire,
how am I supposed

to beat a guy
like Mike Pulaski?

He's massive!

He may be stronger
than you, but you're grosser.

And you're gonna use that.

Your weird body can be
a dangerous weapon

if used properly.
Okay.

Now, did you ever play old-school Nintendo?
No.

Well, then what we're about
to do may seem strange,

but just go with it.

Now, Meg, in order
to get you into fighting shape,

I want you to drink
this glass of raw eggs.

I don't see any yolks.

Just drink it.

Hello?

Cynthia!

Oh, my God! So good
to hear from you!

Sure, I can talk.

I'm just sitting
out here in the open.

My car? It's a Prius.

I wouldn't say I'm specifically
a hero for driving one.

The heroes are the ones
who come back from Iraq

and drive a Prius.

Gotcha!

Wha... what the hell?!

Hey!

You looking for me?

Oh, God,
what the hell is that?!

What's wrong?
You look uncomfortable.

Here, let me give you a hug.

Aah! Get away from me,
you gremlin!

Aah! No!

Why don't you rub
my belly, pal?!

Your skin is so loose
and wrinkly!

It's like I'm just
pushing around

a plastic bag full
of chicken bones!

Ugh! Why do you have
so many nipples?

You gonna put your clothes on?!
Yes! Yes! I swear!

You gonna keep 'em on?!
Yes, I promise!

I'll never bother you
again with my body!

Please, just make this stop!

Good.

Dad, can you give me
a ride to the...?

What is that thing?!

Aah! Make
it go away!

What's going on in here?

Oh, my God,
is that a rat?!

Peter, hold it down,
I'm getting the gun!

Hey, who you taking
to Meg's funeral?

I'm taking
Jill.

Ooh!

Wise guy,
we're going as friends.

All right, Meg, remember
what I taught you.

Relax my throat
and make eye contact?

No, no,
the fighting stuff.

Um, listen, before we start,
could you not hit me here

because these are pretty
sensitive?

He punched her pretty!

Oh, he punched her ugly again.

Ah!

Aw!

Ah!

Aw!

Ah!

Just stop there!

Aw!

Punch Rocky Dennis!

It's okay, guys.

I'm at peace
with what I'm all about.

Meg, remember
what I taught you.

Use the gross.

You ready for more?

Are you?!

Ugh!

Your kiss is definitely
not on my list!

He's older.

You missed!

Oh, what's the matter, Mike?

Can't punch a girl
in the face?

You'd be surprised
what my face can do to you!

Ugh! What's your
problem, dude?!

You've got major issues!

Oh, my God, she's crazy!

Did you hear the volleyball
team lost in San Diego?

All right, you little bitch,
it's time to end this thing!

Yeah, it is!

Oh, my gosh!
Meg won!

Huh, not bad for a loser.

Thanks for your help,
Mr. Quagmire.

I guess I get
to die another day.

Meg, I got a feeling

you're gonna be around
for a real long time.

Come on, let's
get out of here.

But I wasn't around
for a long time.

A year later, my body reacted
to a frozen hot dog,

and I died of septic shock.

I became the public face
of internal hot dog defrosting.

Cold.

Well, it worked.

Thanks for your help, Stewie.

If I knew you were
actually gonna do it,

I wouldn't have
suggested it.

You look like my foot that time
Lois made my bath too hot.

Come on! It's not that bad.

My fur will grow back
in about three months.

Well, I can't look at
this for three months,

so I've come up
with a solution.

Put these on.

Stewie, I...
Hold still.

There you go.

You look good.
You look really good.

Hi, Stewie, and...
Stewie?!

This is next week's story.
Get there.