Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 15 - Secondhand Spoke - full transcript

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

Okay, Brian, here we are.

Hey, thanks for fitting in
the ride to school



in between your texts.

Totally, Chris, totally.

I'm sure it'll all
work itself out.

And good luck on that thing.

You know, that was a stroller,
not a speed bump.

Uh-oh. This looks like trouble.

I'll know they're bullies
if they use my full name.

Well, look who it is.

Chris Griffin.

Oh, boy.

Hey, fat ass.

Your boobs are bigger
than your sister's.

Oh, yeah? Well...

you have a sister as well.



That's your comeback?

Oh, man!

Oh, my God. Poor Chris.

He's a social outcast
like Scarface.

Okay, we have a deal.

You bring the money,
I get you the coke.

You got it, Scarface.

Oh, my God!

You can see that?

The doctor said
you wouldn't be able to!

Yes, everyone can see that.

That's why we call
you Scarface.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! "We"?

Well, I have officially seen
every video ever on YouTube.

Got to say,
there's not a bad one.

I need these shipping invoices
filed immediately.

I'll be right back.

There she goes again.

How come she always skips out

when there's work to do?

She's just taking
a smoke break.

A deaf person smoking.

That's-that's weird.

Why is that weird?

That... I mean, there's
no reason that that's weird,

but it-it-it is weird, right?

Yes, Griffin, it's weird.

Wait, so you mean to tell me,
if I ever want to get out

of something, all I got
to do is take a smoke break?

Well, I suppose.

But you don't smoke.

Well, actually I do.

All right, Griffin.

You're clearly a smoker.

Enjoy your break.

Wow, I can use smoking
to get out of anything.

Finally, I'm above the law
like my 14th century ancestor

King of Denmark Griffin.

More wine! More women!

More table!

I'm having a heart attack!

Is anyone at the table a doctor?

I am!

Come here! Hurry! Run!

"But the very far-away doctor
couldn't make it in time."

And that's why here in Denmark
we have very small tables.

Okay, Stewie, time to
change your diaper.

Ooh! Oh, smoke break!

Well, this is
how Scott Caan was raised,

and he turned out okay.

Hey, Dad, want to hear a story
about my day at school?

It's about my hot
friend Melissa.

Okay.

She didn't wear a
bra to school today.

Okay.

And someone spilled water
all over her white shirt.

Okay.

And it was cold, so you
could see everything.

Okay.

Then she left and I realized
I was all alone...

Smoke break!

Hey, Chris?

I-I wanted to talk about
what happened at school...

Is that a dead gerbil in there?

That's a fur fish.

It's a weird species.

You put them in there,
and they swim like hell

for, like, 30 seconds,
and then they go to sleep.

This joker still
hasn't woken up.

Get up, lazy!

You know, the way those kids

were picking on you
today in school...

you really got to stand
up for yourself.

Stewie, it's not so easy.

What would you say if I said,
"Hey there, shorty"?

I'd say, "Have another
doughnut, you albino gorilla."

Oh, yeah? Well...

you have a sister as well.

Oh, Stewie, I-I could never
come up with stuff like you do.

Of course not.
You're sweet and simple.

But even you could learn
enough to outsmart

those cretins at your school.

And they'll respect you for it.

In fact, I'll teach you how.

Why would you do that for me?

I'm your brother, Chris.

We're a team and we've got
to look out for each other.

Like Owl and Costello.

I mean the fellow's
name on first base.

Who.
The fellow playing first base.

Who.
The guy on first base.

Who.
I'm asking you who's on first!

Who.
That's what I'm asking you!

Nothing will ever be funnier
than misunderstandings.

All right, Chris,
here they come.

Now, remember what we practiced.

Now, what are you gonna call
the one in the middle?

Isosceles triangle?

What?! Come on, Chris!

We worked on this all night.

I know! I also had
a geometry test!

Well, how'd that go?

Hey, look who it is.

Dorky Pig.

Go on, Chris. It's now or never.

Let them have it.

Nice muscles.

What, do you belong to a gym?

Oh, for God's sake, Chris.

Here, put me on your back
and repeat what I say.

Quick! Here they come!

You're even uglier
up close, Griffin.

Okay, now say...

I heard you were born
out of your mom's butt.

I heard that from your mom
while I was doing her.

You're a butt baby.

That's why you've got moles
all over your chest.

Leftover birth dook.

Oh, man!
Griffin schooled him!

I can't believe I'm
moving tomorrow,

and I won't get to see
how this works out.

Wow, Stewie, we're gonna
work perfectly together.

Like Sherlock
Holmes and Watson.

Watson, a clue!

The intruder has
tracked in a red clay,

which can only be found near
London's homosexual bathhouse.

Amazing, Holmes.

How did you know that?

Just from, like,
books and stuff.

Your turn.

You know, Peter, it's so nice

that after all these years
we've been together,

we can still...
Smoke break!

What? Peter, what are you
doing down there?

Nothing.

Well, it doesn't
seem like nothing.

Peter, since when
are you a smoker?

Put that out right now!

Smoking is highly addictive.

I'm not addicted.

I just need a couple
every hour or so,

so I don't go
completely insane.

Peter, that's exactly
what addicted means.

You have a serious problem.

Cigarettes will kill you.

Relax, Lois.
I can quit any time I want.

Look, I'll toss
this one out right now.

I'm so sorry I threw you
out the window!

Hey, man, can you keep it down?

Sorry.
Wait, whose bedroom are you in?

Meg's.

Okay, that's fine then.

Where's Dad?

Your father got up early
and went for a run.

Ah, nothing
like an after-run mint

to get rid
of that jogger's breath.

Okay, now sit down
and have some breakfast.

I made your favorite...
waffles and...

Hey, uh, did anybody get
the paper today?

Ah, nothing
like an after-paper mint

to get rid
of that paper-getting breath.

You know, I feel like
these waffles could use

a little fresh air.
Come on, boys.

Peter, sit down.

You need your breakfast.

Oh, Peter,
I meant to tell you.

Remember my cousin Sylvia's
husband Robert? Well...

Does this story
have an end?!

Peter, I just started.

Oh, Meg's out of milk.
I'll get you a carton.

Hey, good story, Lois.

You wrapped it up nicely.

I know it's technically
not illegal,

but it seemed wrong when
your music teacher wrapped

a trash bag around his waist
so he could change pants.

Hey, Jew-bacca!

Passover's stupid and I'm gonna
prove it by breaking your nose.

Hey!

Why don't you pick on someone
your own religion

who can fight for themselves?

And you're not so tough.

You frequently opt
out of swim class

because of your gross
microcephalic penis.

It's not gross!

It's special.

I can use it
to reset my cable box.

Hey, Chris, what you did there
for that sweaty Jew?

That was really nice.

Back away, foul wench!

Your wide hips hold
no temptation for me!

Uh... I mean...

you have...

...a-a vulva...

and fallopian tubes.

Finally!
A guy who listens!

Here's my number.
Call me.

Peter, when'd you
start smoking?

Well, you know, at first
it was a way to get out of work,

but then I discovered
it's a delightful habit

that has lots of benefits.
Yeah? Like what?

Like I get to punctuate
tough conversations

by ashing a cigarette.

Joe, your
marriage is over.

Oh, please. Bonnie and I
are stronger than ever.

Your marriage...

is over.

Well, now that you
say it with the cigarette...

God, there's, like, no one hot
at this school this year.

Okay, students, take your seats.

First off, we have a new rule:

no more asking the gym teachers
if they went to college.

They did not.

Next, it's time for nominations
for student body president.

As of now, we have
the perpetually upbeat black kid

running unopposed.

Come on, yo, this is gonna be
a great year for all of us!

Surely there's another student

who'd like to throw
his hat in the ring.

I nominate Chris Griffin!

Chris, they love you.

I'm a better coach
than God.

Come on, you're getting
crucified out there!

I know. It's
a crucifixion.

Well, yeah, I know.

But that doesn't mean
you should stop trying.

Dad, you're not
the coach!

Peter, your fart didn't
go off until 8:30.

Get up. We're late!

What the hell?!

What? What? What?!
Peter,

i-it's horrible!

Other people
live here!

Oh, my God!

How did this happen?!

It's from smoking!

It's not that bad.

Peter, you can't live
like this.

I'm taking you
to Dr. Hartman.

No! I hate the doctor!

Are you sure?

There are Cheez-Its in there.

Cheez-Its?!

Huh? W-Wait. What's going on?

I'm scared! I'm scared!

Oh, it's nighttime.

Good night.

Mr. Griffin, I'm gonna need
to ask you a few questions.

Do you think I can jump
and touch that pipe up there?

I don't know.
The hell I can't!

There, got it.

Yeah, I guess
your fingertips grazed it.

Yeah, that counts
as a dunk.

Dr. Hartman, we're here for you
to help Peter quit smoking.

Mrs. Griffin, I can't do
that. It's an addiction.

I can't even get my
son to quit being gay.

Well, you got to do something!
He's killing himself!

All right, how many Vicodins for
you guys to just leave me alone?

Forty.

Well, it's too bad
Dr. Hartman couldn't help us.

I guess we should go
to the Stop Smoking Clinic

and then maybe get
a couple bottles of wine.

Oh, hey, Stewie.
Ready to go to school?

Well, actually, Chris,
I've got good news.

Aw, I'll take
the bad news first.

No. What? There
is no bad news.

Oh, all right. Then give me
the good news first.

The good news is, I've taught
you everything you need to know

to fend for yourself.

So from now on, you can
go to school without me.

What are you talking about?

I'm running for class president.

I need you!

What are you doing?

You're coming to school with me
whether you like it or not!

Let me out! You can't keep me
in here forever!

I have too many plans
for the future!

I'll never win a Nobel Prize!

I'll never be a member
of Parliament!

I'll never get to express
disappointment with young people

while putting in my dentures!

Stupid younger generation.

Back in my day, we had
Katy Perry, Justin Bieber.

That was real music.

Lois, why do all the people
in here look

like Emperor Palpatine?

Because they're all
heavy smokers, Peter.

I'm gonna sign you in.

Would the driver of a 1978
Camaro please move your car?

Man, how the hell
am I gonna quit smoking?

I wish smoking
could just quit me instead.

Thank you
for meeting me here.

I have something
very important to tell you.

I have something
important to tell you, too.

Peter, I think we
should see other people.

Okay.

Uh, good, that's what
I was gonna say, too.

Excuse me, I'm Mr. Stone
with the ad agency

of Anderson, Wheeler
and Thirdname.

And I think you'd be perfect for
our new anti-smoking campaign.

Me? You'd want me on TV?

Even though I'm hideous?

Sure. Have you seen
Boardwalk Empire?

It's just a crap-fest
of faces.

There is one catch: if you're
gonna be our spokesman,

you have to keep smoking.

We need you to stay wrinkled
and sickly.

But my wife brought me here
to quit smoking.

Wives, huh?

O-Okay,
now I'm on your side!

Oh, this is awesome!

I'm gonna be on TV!

But no more talk
of quitting, right?

You got it. So, um,

does somethin' like this
pay a lot of money?

What do you think
a lot of money is?

I-I don't want to say.
I'm embarrassed.

And now a word from
the American Lung Association.

Oh, hey, hey, guys! Here
comes one of my TV spots!

Hi, Peter Griffin,
sickly smoker.

This is your heart.

This is your heart
on cigarettes.

Any questions?

Yeah, where'd you get
that heart?

Hey, Peter, now that
you're a celebrity,

could I get a picture
of you to put on the wall?

Sure, here you go.

Thanks, man.

I'll put you up next
to these black celebrities

who are just
confusing strangers to you.

Who's Marlin Johnson?

Oh, come on, man.
Stand-up comedian?

He got that whole thing
about the "Oh-Ee-Oh-Ee-Hey-Yo."

I can't even
get through it.

Hey! You talkin'
'bout Marlin Johnson?

You know it!
Oh-Ee-Oh-Ee-Hey-Yo!

That's right.

Hey, Lois.

Peter, I saw your ad on TV,
and I got to say,

I'm glad you're finally
doing the right thing.

Yeah, it feels good
to be helping people.

Peter, what are you doing?!
I thought you quit!

Hey, if George Michael
doesn't have to give up butts,

why should I?

I'm serious.
You have to stop smoking!

Have you looked in the mirror?
You look terrible.

Eh, what do you care?

It's not like you have to look
at my face when we have sex.

Not since we started
role-playing.

Peter, I'm ready.

Okay, now put on yours.

Wow, isn't it weird that
we both picked Mario Lopez?

Yes, Peter.
It's very weird.

Yeah, it shows that we both
go Latino but soft Latino.

Day five of my imprisonment
inside Chris' backpack.

Feces and the buildup thereof
continues to be

my number one problem.

I think a teacher saw me
the other day but said nothing.

I waved and he looked away.

This could be my chance
to escape this canvas cage!

That sounds like an open door.
Which way is out?

God, I love walking
in the hall!

There! That way!

Must escape!

Must... escape.

Mu...

You're gonna die in there.

Welcome back,
Mr. Griffin!

You look terrible!

Thanks, man named Sandy!

Oh, hey, uh, you know,
I don't know if you're the guy

to talk to about this,
but when I went to my trailer

this morning, there was
a hairy naked guy in it.

We don't provide trailers.

We're just next door to a trailer park.
Ah.

That would explain the violent
lovemaking that followed.

Listen, Peter, we need to talk.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but
we no longer need your services.

Wait... What?

How could you do that?!

Well, I went to a NASCAR event

and realized you're just
an average-looking man.

Please! I'll do anything
to keep my job!

N-Name anything you want
and I'll do it!

Touch your toes.

Please give me
something else!

I'm sorry, Peter,
it's over.

Why are your eyes
crying, Peter?

They fired me, Larry!

Come on. Let's go kidnap
my neighbor's dog

and tell them
we don't have it.

Good morning, students.

First of all, I don't care
what the courts say,

let's thank
the Christian God together.

Now then, we're here today

for the presidential candidate
debate.

Okay, remember,
people think I'm smart now.

So it's got to be clever
and it's got to pop.

I'm done! I'm not
saying another word.

You can't hold me prisoner
in here forever!

Why not?
Name one person who loves you.

Wow. Not a
proportional response.

All right, let's begin
with an opening statement

from the perpetually upbeat
black kid.

Thanks for letting me go first.

I got an hour-and-a-half drive
home after this.

You're not getting it,
Chris, are you?

You were being bullied
day in and day out,

so I tried to help you.

I tried to be a good brother.

And you've repaid me with abuse.

You're the bully, Chris Griffin.

Oh, my God.
You're right.

And now an opening statement
from our second candidate,

the King of the Zingers,
Chris Griffin.

Go easy on me, Chris.

My sister has M.S.

I'm worried what you're
gonna do with that.

I'm out. I'm not running.

And neither is she.

I knew you'd
have something.

No, you don't understand.

I'm dropping out
of the election.

I'm a big fraud,

and I've treated people
terribly.

Much like Jeff Zucker
when he ran NBC.

I'm sorry, Stewie.

Can you forgive me?

Well, I may no longer be
on your back,

but I'll always be on your side.

All right,

this election is postponed.
Go back to class.

Oh, and another thing,

stop making fun of teachers
who don't have cars.

Life's not as easy as you think
it's gonna be right now.

You know, Chris, what you did on
that stage took a lot of guts.

Thanks, Stewie.

And thanks to you, I'm no
longer getting bullied.

Well, that's great.

I guess we put those bullies
in their place, huh?

Yeah. Two of them
shot themselves.

Oh, that's so good
to hear, Chris.

Are they done?
They're-they're all done?

Okay, all right,
let's finish ours.

Well, I finally quit smoking and
I'm ready to go back to normal!

Peter, that's not
how it works.

The damage you've done
is irreversible.

Yeah, Lois is right.
As bad as you look,

the damage you've done
to your heart and your lungs is,

no doubt, exponentially worse.
What?!

Well, try cuttin' to the outside
of the house over some music.

That usually works.