Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 14 - Fresh Heir - full transcript

When Chris is made the sole future heir to Carter's fortune after caring for him, Peter takes drastic measures to keep the wealth within his reach - by marrying Chris.

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

The Travel Channel presents,

"Backpacking Through Europe
with a Bowlegged Man



in Short Shorts."

Hello. Come, let's see some
beautiful sites together.

Hello, Tree.
Thank you for shade.

Hello, Mountain Cat.

Thank you for controlling
local rat population.

Hello, Windmill.

Thank you for the cheese ride
and ball cooling.

Next week, bullet trains.

Hello...!

Hey, Dad. Are you busy?

I was thinking we could
spend some time together.

Okay, are you a
television set,

or the Internet?

No.



Oh, then no.
No, thank you.

Are you sure?

Cause there's a
three-day weekend coming up

and I thought maybe you and I
can finally go fishing

like we've been
talking about.

Aw, sorry, Chris, I can't.
I got insanity practice.

Pinwheels! Pinwheels in my head!

Voices! Angry fish!

How's he doing?
Not good.

He still thinks this is
"practice" of some sort.

But you promised
we'd go fishing.

Aw, Chris, I was just
lying to you so you'd go away.

But, if you leave me alone now,
I'll give you a billion dollars.

You've got a deal!

Peter, you know,
i-it might help Chris

to be able to spend
some time with his father.

Well, what's in it
for ol' Pete?

He's your son.

Don't you want someone
to bond with.

No. I only form
unspoken bonds.

PAT BENATAR
Hit me with your best shot

Why don't you hit me
with your best shot?

Hit me with your best shot

Fire away...

You come on
with a "come on"...

O-Okay.

I'll talk to you later. Bye.

You guys, that was my mom.

She said that
Daddy broke his leg.

How?!

A-Apparently, he got hurt
at the mall.

Carter, please stop
doing that.

We need to get you
some new corduroys.

No! None of the other boys
are wearing corduroys!

I want dungarees!

You're going to
get hurt doing that.

No I'm not!
I'm the champ at doing this!

Ow! You jinxed me!

Aw, damn it!

Hey, call that beeping cart

that carries around
the fat black people.

Well, I guess Babs has
her work cut out for her.

Actually, Mom can't take care
of him, she's out of town

doing a photo shoot for the
cover of Veins Magazine.

So, are you gonna go
take care of him, Mom?

I can't go. I've got to go get
my hair very minutely changed

and then spend the next 14 hours
trying to get people to notice.

Well...?

Lois, move.
You're blocking the TV.

What do you think?

I think you're
blocking the TV.

Peter, i-is there anything
you want to say to me?

All right.
Amy at work kissed me.

It itrue
that I did not step away,

but I did not lean in.

However, in my defense,

she had recently gotten
her hair done differently.

I was actually thinking that
maybe you could go help Daddy.

Well, not me, Mom.

Last time I was
at Grandpa's,

I beat him at checkers and he
punched one of my hogans.

Well, what about Chris?

Wai-Wait, where is Chris?

He's upstairs
in his room.

That's odd.
He never misses a meal.

I-I better go check on him.

Yeah, good idea.

I better check on my
hairless twin in the storm shed.

Close the door,
the moonlight burns!

It's almost Christmas.
It's almost Christmas.

Christmas?!

Yes. Keep being good

and all the eggshells and
coffee grounds will be yours.

Can I meet the family?

You've overstepped!
No Christmas!

Hey, Chris. Are you okay?

Holy crap, it smells
like farts in here.

Those are my farts.

Why doesn't Dad ever
want to spend time with me?

Chris, come here.

Sit down.

You know I love you,
right, sweetie?

Mom... not in front
of my posters.

And your father
loves you, too.

He just has trouble
expressing his emotions.

I love Mike & Molly!

I love Mike
and I also love Molly!

And I don't care
who knows it!

You know, Chris,
you've got a grandpa

who could use
your help right now.

I'm sure he'd enjoy
spending time with you.

Okay... I'll give
it a shot.

You're not gonna
kill yourself, are you?

That would be a severe black
mark on my record as a mom.

Oh, I'd have to make up stories
of a severe mental illness.

Make is seem a miracle
you made it this long.

I could do that.

Sucks about your leg, Grandpa.

How you been doin'?

Well, let me tell you,
this is awful.

I-I'm so bored.

I can't sleep,
I-I just have to lie here

and wait for my
stupid leg to heal.

Oh, I'm really
sorry, Grandpa.

And the worst part about it,
is I can't have sex.

God! I wish there was a way
I could just do it myself.

You know, just-just to be done
and napping within four minutes.

Let me show you something.

That... was... amazing!

And Lynda Carter
wasn't actually here?

No! That was just
in your mind.

Incredible!

So-So you can do that like,

wh-what, once a year
or something?

No. You can do it basically

whenever you're not
doing something else.

Cool!

Hey, next time I want to
try it with my hand.

Hey, Grandpa.
What should we do now?

You wanna order a pizza?

Well, that doesn't sound
very exciting.

But now you can
follow your order online!

There it is.
It's on Van Buren!

Oh. Oh. He's almost here!

Wow, he's really fast.
Hey, I got an idea,

let's put in two different
orders and have 'em race!

You think it'll
crash the system?

Only one way to find out.

Here's your pizza.
That's $16.50.

We were playing
a game with you.

That's what you are.
You're a clown.

Are you gonna
pay for the pizza?

Yes. Your money is in
this pile of mashed potatoes.

Eat your way out. No hands.

This is fun, Chris.
I like hanging out with you.

Don't look up.
You're not a part of this.

It's sounding really
good, Grandpa.

I know, I know.

Sorry I'm late.

Look, Jason, are you
taking this seriously?

Because Chris and I
take this seriously.

You know, if you're not
gonna show up to rehearsal,

we'll find someone else
who will, all right?

We want to get some paying gigs!
Sorry. Geez.

Remember, this is about writing
music that means something to us!

Okay, from the top.

Halls Mentho-lyptus

You can feel it
in your nose

That's how you know
it's a medicated cough drop

And not just a candy.

Hey, can we play
one of my songs?

No! No one wants to hear
your stupid songs about nothing!

Now, let's play "I Fell in the Shower,
So Maybe We Do Need That Bar."

Five, six,
seven, eight!

Listen, Chris, I really
want to thank you

for coming to take care of me
and helping me get well again.

Oh, it was no big deal.
Well, it is to me,

and I want to give you some
money for all your time.

Come on, y-you don't
have to do that.

I just like getting to spend
time with my grandpa, you know?

I... Wait, wait, what?

You're... you're not
gonna take the money?

No, I don't want
your money.

I had fun
hanging out with you.

Well, all right, then.

Hey, Grandpa,
check it out.

When I make
my elbow like this,

it looks like
women's private parts!

Oh, Chris!
You just have a way of looking at things

that's delightfully fresh!

We're not supposed
to be doing this.

I bet we're not supposed
to be doing this.

Daddy!
You're all better!

That's right, pumpkin.
And I have an important announcement to make.

I have decided
to change my will,

and name
my grandson Chris

the sole heir
to the Pewterschmidt fortune.

You what?
What? Oh, my!

Oh, no!
My hairless twin got out!

Hello, family.

Let's eat all
the garbage we want.

Daddy, you're seriously leaving
your entire estate to Chris?

I-I mean,
what about Mom?

I promise she'll be dead
before I am. I promise.

But, Grandpa, I don't
even want the money.

See? This is exactly
why you should get it!

So refreshing!

Well, I-I don't
want it, either.

Good, 'cause
you're not getting it.

Come on, what
are you doing?

Listen, Carter, you take
me out of your will,

I'm taking you
out of mine.

Peter, that wasn't your will,
that was your birth certificate.

Oh, no!

There's no light!

There's only fire!

Look, Carter, I suppose you're
entitled to do what you want,

but, you know, I'm just
saying, if it were me,

I would give all the
money to charity.

Oh, yeah?
Which charity?

Well, there are
just so many

that do such
great work.

Name just one.

Um... well,
you know...

Poor... Green...

Whale... Guns...

Books?

You are
such a fraud.

Why won't anyone help us?!

What the hell?
I can't believe your dad's

giving all his cash
to Chris!

I know it's strange,
but in the end it's his money,

so who really cares?

Well, yeah, but...

But what?

Peter... did you marry
me for my money?

Of course not, Lois,
but even you can't deny

it was always gonna
be a huge perk.

D-Did I use that right?
Perk? Yes, Peter.

Yeah, I thought so, but then it just
sounded kind of weird when I said it.

It was fine.
Thanks.

Anyway, I don't plan on losing
out on any of that money.

So if you ask me, we got to start
sucking up to Chris right away.

What? Wh-What are
you talking about?

I'm talking about
brownnosing Chris

and getting on
his good side perk.

No, that's wrong.
No "perk."

Okay, my bad.
But I've been counting on that money, Lois.

It's always been critical
to my master plan.

What master plan?

Look, I never
told you this, but...

for years now, I've been
planning on retiring at 45

so I can work on finding a
cure for Ballzheimers disease.

Peter, are
those testicles?

Wh-where did
you get those?

I don't remember!

Hey, hey, there he is!

Oh, boy, hot dogs and
Nintendo, huh, Chris?

Dad, what are you doing?
What's going on?

Good one, Chris!

Good one!
Why are you dressed like that?

I don't know. I-I
just kind of felt

like this is what
cool people wear.

Hey, hey, Chris, how about you
and me do a secret handshake

that has way too many steps
to remember, all right?

Okay. Shake, bump, bump,
slap, pinky hook,

pretend to slick your hair back,
represent, bump,

one spin, slap high, slap low,

reverse spin, bump, explode,
shake, belly rub,

fake yawn, finger gun,
hitchhiker, hitchhiker,

shimmy shimmy sham sham,
shake, shake, shake, bump,

something smells
and shake again.

Okay, ready?

Oh, my God, it's nighttime.

MAN We now return to the director's
cut of Mission: Impossible 5,

with the step stools
not edited out.

You're coming with me because
I'm definitely over six feet,

and you're not handsome.

Hey, Chris, hey,
you remember that kid

you said was bullying
you at school?

Well, here's his head!

That's not even him!

That's the deaf kid!

Oh, that was
sign language.

I thought he was
trying to defend himself

with terrible karate.

Chris, I want to share with you
a timeworn father/son tradition.

I am gonna show you
a film comedy

from my youth
that won't hold up.

Welcome to the classic comedy,
Meatballs.

Oh, that sounds great.

Is it about a pasta
factory or something?

No, that's part of the joke.

Who's the guy?

That's not a guy.
That's the hot chick!

Where are her boobs?

Flat with a decent face
was the best

we could hope for back then.

Miley Cyrus had sex
with a foam finger

at, like, 6:00 p.m.
Central Time.

This movie has a canoe
that slowly sinks.

All right, you know what?
Forget it!

I'm just gonna take my VCR,
my VCR head-cleaning tape,

my VCR head-cleaning spray,
my head-cleaning rag,

and my rewinder, and just
get the hell out of here.

MAN
We now return to At the Movies

With Two Guys Who Watch
the Films On Their iPhones.

Good evening.
First off, we're going

to review Paul Greengrass'
Captain Phillips.

What did you think, Bill?

Well, it got off
to a great start,

but when it was my turn
to play Words With Friends,

it really took
me out of it.

Well, that's a shame,
because visually...

Ooh!

When we come back, the guys
will review American Hustle.

Hmm?

Hey, you guys.

Geez, Peter,
you look exhausted.

Ugh, I am. I've
been busting my ass

for the last week trying
to suck up to Chris.

To Chris?
What the hell for?

Well, Carter
kind of decided

he's gonna leave all
his money to Chris.

So, I've been trying to
get on his good side.

I even cleaned his room
for him the other day.

Wish I hadn't done that.

Chris, our
bath is ready.

I... uh...

I don't... I don't know
what to do now.

I... I don't have
the parenting skills necessary

to deal with this.

I say we never
speak of this again.

I... I might move.

You know what?
I say, good for Chris

and whatever lucky girl
he ends up marrying.

Yeah, or lucky guy,
if he ends up being gay.

Lucky guy?

Wait a minute.

You guys just gave me an idea!

What's he doing up there?
He's a cat!

He can't play no tuba!

No, wait!

Actually, you guys
gave me two ideas!

Mumbling while I sleep
to indicate dream content.

Chris, Chris, wake up.

I have something very
important to ask you.

Chris, there comes a time when
every man looks at his son

and thinks, "I want to take
this to the next level."

Chris Griffin...
will you marry me?

What?! Is it even legal
for a man to marry his son?

It is in Vermont.

As long as it's a man and a
man, anything goes up there.

They're a bunch of
liberal degenerates.

I don't know.
It seems really weird.

I mean, aren't men
supposed to marry women?

No, no, no, that's just
all of human history

except for the
last five months.

We'll just be
like best pals.

And besides, there's
plenty of people

who are married
and don't have sex.

Like Will Smith
and that pit bull.

Why do you even
want to marry me?

It's time to settle down
and simplify things,

like maybe having one ATM
card and one bank account.

Say, yours.

Oh. I get it.

So, what do you say?

When you're married, you get
to spend all your time together,

doing things like playing catch
and going fishing, right?

Well, the best marriages
give each other space,

but, yes, Chris.

Then, yes, I will
marry you, Dad!

Oh, that's
wonderful news!

You should know this
ring is very special.

It used to belong
to your mother.

Wait. What about Mom?

I'm afraid that's
over, Chris.

Lois, wake up.

I need you to sign
this legal document.

Huh? Wha-What is this?

It's a petition
to force that hot mom

to wear something appropriate
at PTA meetings.

Oh, thank God.

No, Dad.

I don't know
what normal is anymore.

So now you know my complete
sexual history, Chris.

Wow. I'm surprised you got
fooled by a bear in a wig.

It wasn't a wig,
it was a hair system.

Well, whatever.

Why do we have
all these appointments?

Wedding DJ, florist.

Because, Chris, it takes time
to plan a perfect wedding.

You don't want
to jump the gun.

You know, like when you
respond to a text too quickly.

So, should we get started
with your bridal registry?

Yeah, um, I'd like
to furnish my kitchen

as if I'm the greatest
chef in the world,

even though I've
never cooked before.

That's what we do!
Okay, great.

All right, we'll start
with the nine grand

in copper-bottom
cookware.

Holy wack-a-zoly!

Dad!
What?

Don't "what" me.
You know what you did.

Hey, I may be your husband and
your dad, but I'm still a man.

Yeah, we're looking to plan our
post-wedding Sunday breakfast.

You know,
when everyone's sick of us.

Of course.

Excellent. Do you have
a table for the couple

that barely made it through
the weekend without breaking up?

Absolutely. Can I put
them near the couple

that hooked up drunk and now
have to make awkward small talk

until their cab to
the airport arrives?

Sure. And maybe
they could go next

to the vastly-underdressed
cousin

who thinks
the world revolves around him?

I have just the spot.

Will there be a
physically-frail,

fall-down uncle?

Indeed. And we'd like
to have him walk

through a maze
of chair legs.

Anything else?
Yes.

We did invite
a black couple.

Um, even though we only met them
three months ago,

but we would like them
to be prominently featured

to let the other guests know how
tolerant and wonderful we are.

I'm excited for
your first dance.

And now we're
ready to add music.

What's your song?

You know, I've given it
a lot of thought,

and I went with the most
romantic song ever,

"Stars And Stripes Forever"
by John Philip Sousa.

March! March!
March! March!

Can you feel the
soldiers, Chris?

So many have fallen.

And this is why
they were fighting.

For a man to marry his son

in a state with
enough trees around

that nobody can
see what's going on.

It was nice of the
guests at the cat funeral

to stay for our wedding.

Yeah, and I bet
you're especially happy

we're getting married
on a Thursday.

School, yuck, right?!

Welcome, friends, loved ones,

and people who are waiting
for the 3:00 check-in time

with nothing better to do.

Just let us put
our bags in there.

I'm literally gonna
grab my shorts and leave.

I understand the two of you
have written your own vows?

Chris, to express my love,

I turn to the words of the only
poet that blue collar,

New England scumbags
like me know: Robert Frost.

"Two roads diverged
in a wood, and I...

I took the one less traveled."

Now, I ain't no scholar,
but if that's not a metaphor

for major-league butt stuff,
I don't know what is.

Thank you. Chris?

Stop the wedding!

Lois! How did you
find out about this?

Peter, several people
have called the police

about a man marrying his son.

It's not normal!

Peter? Peter
Griffin?

Oh, God.

Is everyone
from your past here

to walk you down
the aisle?!

Peter, you
cannot do this!

You cannot
marry your son!

I don't care how much
money Daddy's left him.

Don't listen
to your mother, Chris.

It's 'cause of her
we have bedtimes!

Chris, come on,
we're going home!

He can't make
you do this.

But, Mom,
I wantto do this.

What?

I know he's marrying me
for my money, but I don't care.

Dad and I spent more time
together planning this wedding

than we ever have before.

And if being married means

I get to spend even more time
with my dad, then it's worth it.

Wait. You knew all along I
just wanted you for your money?

Yeah, Dad, I did.

Wow.

Oh, boy, I've
been a real jerk.

I'm sorry, Chris.

But you know what?

I'm gonna make it up to
you, starting right now.

Chris Griffin...
will you be my son?

Yes, Dad.

OMG, the photographer is,
like, obsessed with me.

Well, let's all go home,
you guys.

I think we've had enough
excitement for one day.

Yeah, and
I guess I learned

it's wrong to take
your son to Vermont

under false
pretenses

to try to marry him
for his inheritance.

You... you should've
known that.

Well, we should
probably get going.

I think this
adventure is over.

Interestingly, however,
I did run into Chris again.

It was on the Upper West
Side of Manhattan.

He was with another dad.
I was with another son.

But it was nice reminiscing
about old times.

For you kids watching,

this is a reference
to a Woody Allen movie.

He also married one
of his children.