Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 16 - Herpe, the Love Sore - full transcript

Stewie gets herpes from Brian, while Peter and the guys discover that another group has taken their favorite booth at the Drunken Clam.

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

We now return
to VH1's Behind the Music:

Dr. Teeth
and the Electric Mayhem.



It must've been around 1979
when Animal started

snorting crushed-up
pieces of felt.

It got pretty ugly.

Me had big problem
before me found God.

He, like, threw me down
and he said,

"I hope your puppeteer
has big hands,

because I'm not using lube."

Me no remember that,
but me believe it happened.

I got it.

Huh, it says "Glenn Quagmire."

But if you squint and imagine
it says "Peter Griffin,"

it says "Peter Griffin."

Peter, it's Quagmire's.

Take it next door.



Now, now, hold on, Lois.

Now, this poses a very
difficult ethical dilemma.

Do I deliver the package
to its rightful owner?

Or do I open it up and see
if it contains He-Mans?

Do not open that box.

You know, Lois,
physicists believe

there are two
alternate universes:

one in which I don't
open the box

and one in which I do.

I'm not gonna open the box.

I'm gonna open the box.

Aw, sweet! It's a whip!

Peter, be careful
with that thing!

Remember, we're renting
this house.

That's depressing.

Wow, I haven't felt
this powerful

since I got to decide which
ant lives and which ant dies.

You shall battle to the death,

and the winner
will be given his freedom.

Why are you looking
at me like that?

Peter, would you like
a glass of...?

Oh, my God!

I told you not to play God
with those ants!

All right, Meg,
stay incredibly still.

I'm gonna whip that cigarette
out of your mouth.

And maybe not slice
your face in half.

Dad, I don't
want to do this.

Stay still!

Aah!

Okay, tha-that's
pretty cool, too.

Hey, Dad, that's
a cool hwhip.

Aah! I thought
you couldn't understand me!

When a good time
turns around

You must whip it

You will never live it down

Unless you whip it

No one gets away

Until they whip it

I say whip it...

Okay.
Aah!

Whip it good...

I'm doing my very best.

Thanks. That was way
too much heat on my neck.

Ooh, a message from Joe.

Hey, Cleveland.

I just wanted
to give you a heads-up

that Peter has a whip,
because, well, you know,

given your racial heritage,
it seems like something

you might want
to keep an eye out for.

Grape soda-gram.

I know this is very risky,

but the upside is so good,
I'm taking it.

We now return
to The Outlaw Josey Wales.

Should we bury them?

Nah, leave them
for the buzzards.

I like that guy.

Oh, boy, here comes Harry.

He thinks no one will notice
he got his neck done.

Hey, fellas, I'm back
from that family wedding.

Hey, what you watching?

The Outlaw Josey Wales.

It's a Western.
Ah.

When do the cowboys
go into the tent,

lick their palms and
have sex with each other?

Different kind of Western.

Ew! What's Clint Eastwood
doing with that Indian chief?

Oh, they're-they're just
becoming blood brothers.

"Blood brothers"?
What the devil is that?

Well, it's an ancient ritual
where two friends

intermingle their blood,
thus sealing a bond

even deeper than friendship.

Yes, yes. Let's do that.

Brian, I want you inside me.

You-you don't have
to say it like that.

Oh, come on, we're
best friends, right?

Stewie, I'm not...

Actually, we're even
more than best friends.

I mean, we share
the same home.

We've been on countless
adventures together.

And, besides, you
owe me, Brian.

Remember what you did to
my last Halloween costume?

I am going to be
the cutest fire hydrant

in the whole... Aah!
What are you doing?!

Okay, your turn.

I think we should
hold hands more often.

There you go,
we're blood brothers now.

You happy?

Actually, yes.

I mean, I really
feel the bond, Brian.

I feel like we're closer now.

You know, more connected,
more intertwined.

Yeah, I guess in a way we are.

Hey, are-are you blood
brothers with Meg

because you ate her
tampon out of the trash?

No, tha... no, that's...
that's something else.

Oh, man, I could
use a cold beer.

Yeah, me, too.
I just had a killer rehearsal.

I'm not biting.
Me, neither.

You forget
how many scenes Tevye's in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's this?

That's our booth!

Uh, uh, excuse me.
Hey, fellas.

Uh, hey, listen, this is,
uh, a little awkward,

but, uh, you guys
are sitting in our booth.

Listen here, pencil neck.

This is our booth now,
and we ain't leaving.

So, what are you gonna
do about it, bitch?

Look, dudes, clearly
you don't want to move.

And that's fine.

We'll come back in an hour.

Nice try, wheelie, but this
ain't your booth no more.

That's right, we see you losers
anywhere near this booth,

and we'll bust your kneecaps.

We're willing to take that risk.

Shut up, Joe.

All right,
I was hoping

it wouldn't have
to come to this, but...

you fellas are in big trouble.

If, uh... if you could just
move back like eight feet.

Is that my whip?

Hey!

Is that my Taser?

All right, I'll just strangle
him with this Hawaiian shirt.

Will you stop going
through my mail?!

All right, bitches, either
you tuck your little wangs

between your legs and
waddle out of here

or we're gonna beat
the crap out of you.

So, what's it gonna be?

Uh, I think we're gonna
do the wang thing.

What the hell?

Ow!

Ew!

What's this?

You son of a bitch!

You gave me herpes!

What?
What are you talking about?

When we swapped blood!
Look at my lip!

It's a disgusting herpes sore!

And now I have some

very uncomfortable
phone calls to make.

Hola. Handy Manny's
repair shop.

You break it...

We fix it!

Manny? Manny?

I'm gonna need you to take me
off speakerphone for this.

Stewie, that's crazy!

There's no way
I gave you herpes.

Then how do you explain this?!

I don't know.
You're a gross slut.

Look, it-it can't be
my fault, Stewie.

I don't even have herpes.

Oh, yeah? Let me see!

Hey, hey, hey! What are
you doing? Stop it!

Ugh! Oh, my God!
Look at you!

You're more herpes
than dog!

Okay, fine! I admit it.

I gave you herpes.

You bastard!

You knew you had herpes,
and-and you still agreed

to swap blood with me!

Relax, it's not
that big a deal.

Not that big a deal?!

It's a disgusting,
unsightly, unsavory disease,

and it lasts for life!

Yeah, but, you know, I mean,
isn't the worst thing

about herpes just the stigma?

I mean, like, what if it
wasn't called "herpes"?

Like-like, what if it was
called "boppo," huh?

Oh, I got a little boppo.

Oh, that's cute.
Ah, I want boppo.

You know, my uncle
was in the Army,

and he got genital boppo
from a Saigon whore...

Shut up! Just shut up!

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

I mean, look at me.

And on the same day
I'm supposed to help

with my friend's
wedding invitations.

So, I was thinking, I know

they're kind of
overused lately...

but your colors should be,
like, yellow and gray.

You know, I've always been
against destination weddings,

but it's nice
to finally see Denver.

And now, The History Channel
presents

The Guy who Lived In-Between
the Hatfields and the McCoys.

I'm just going to get my mail.

And I'm not going to ask
who killed my daughter.

It's water under the bridge.

I'm just getting my mail.

Aw, what happened?
I couldn't see.

I have no idea.

The TV is, like,
directly over my head.

All I can see
are the spider veins

of alcoholics wearing shorts.

What?
I said...

Huh?

All I can see is...

What? You can't see what?

I can only see...

What? Damn it, Peter!

Ow!

Joe, what are you
trying to say?!

Eh, it doesn't matter.

I just...
I hate sitting at the bar.

I wish we had
our old booth back.

Well, what are we
supposed to do?

Fight those guys?

They would've kicked our asses.

Peter's right.

We just got to accept
the fact that, well,

we're... we're
kind of cowards.

I know.

Yesterday, I even went

to a Cowards Anonymous meeting.

Hello. My name's Cowardly Lion,

and I'm a coward.

I'm afraid of
small dogs,

girls with pigtails,
flying monkeys...

Wait-wait, th-there's...
there's flying monkeys?

That's a thing?
Sure.

They got sharp
fangs, claws...

God, they sound terrifying!

Wait, you think so, too?

Yes, and fear is a logical
response to actual danger.

Huh. I guess you're right.

Hey. I'm the Rational Lion.

So, guys.

Whew, what a morning.

By the time I got done
with my pubes,

I just didn't feel
like shaving anymore.

Hey, Charlotte.

That's very cute, Stewie,
but if I let you dress up

like H?ctor Elizondo,
I have to let everyone.

Oh, my God!

Your mouth looks like
the underside of a boat!

Good Lord, nobody wants
to be near me.

This is lonelier
than a Kennedy family reunion.

Where is everybody?

Oh, yeah. They're dead.

All right, flight attendants,
please prepare for crosscheck.

I'm not crosschecking anything.

I heard what happened
to you at The Drunken Clam.

I'm not doing
what you tell me to do.

I'll do what he tells me to do.

I was in the military
for 30 years

back when that
meant something.

I don't deal
with gay people.

See? Him I respect.

Hey, Bonnie,
you want to fool around?

I bought one of those

crippled-guy robot suits
from Avatar,

so now I can be on top.

No, thanks, Joe.

I heard about what
happened at the Clam,

and I'm not interested
in having sex

with a quarter of a man.

Hey, I'm half a man!

Not anymore.

Fine. Well, I'm gonna
go sleep on the couch.

You need something, Joe?

Yes, Elton, I'd like
to sleep on the couch.

All right, Joe. Come on.

Love lift us up

Where we belong.

Hey, Chris, your mom's
done with the laundry.

Can you help her fold?

No, but you know what?

You put on her bra.

I-I don't want to.

Well, you're gonna.

Everybody heard about what
happened over at the Clam

and how those guys
made you their bitch.

Um, okay.

That's right, you wuss.

In fact,
the way I see it,

I'm the man
of the house now.

Which means
there's gonna be

some big changes
around here.

It's not very
comfortable, Chris.

My back kind of hurts.

I'm just staring up
at the ceiling.

Shut up!

I promised changes,
and I delivered!

We now return
to Bryan Cranston Sneezes.

Thank you.

Um, Rupert?

You know how we promised
never to lie to each other?

Well, I lied earlier tonight.

It's not a burn from
Dunkin' Donuts coffee.

It's herpes.

You should get yourself tested.

Hey, Stewie.

How long have you
been there?

Long enough to know
you have herpes

and do weird stuff
with your teddy bear.

Yeah, he does weird stuff.

I-I just don't stop him.

Yeah, well, I just wanted to
let you know you're not alone.

Oh, yeah? How so?

Good Lord!
You've got herpes, too?

This house is like backstage
at a Whitesnake concert!

Not only that, but I
also got it from Brian.

We're blood brothers, too.

You... you are?

Yup, he knew he had herpes
and he didn't say anything.

Maybe he was mad
I gave him fleas.

I don't know.

That bastard!

Well, we need
to teach him a lesson.

He's a menace.

Like that coked-up giraffe
at Studio 54.

Yup, yup, people are watching.

I'm that good.

Are you Donna Summer?

Why, yes, I am.

I just want to thank you
for helping me reach

a state of cocaine-fueled
1970s euphoria.

Robert Mapplethorpe?

Can I put this fire extinguisher
someplace interesting

and take your picture?

I would love that!

Um, uh, Meg,
can you, um...

can you please
pass the milk?

Shut up, Dad.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'll shut up.
What?!

She-she's right, Lois.
She's right.

I-I don't need milk.

I'll just moisten
my cereal with spit.

Mmm, mmm, good spit.

Peter, what the
hell is going on?

Please tell me this isn't still
about how you punked out

in front of those
guys at the Clam.

Oh, God, you're angry.

I'll clean the dishes.

Peter, stop it!

Are... are you crying?

No!

Oh, this is insane.

Peter, I want you
to march down to the Clam

right now and get
your booth back.

Oh my God, Lois, you're right.

If they see me crying, they'll
have to give us our booth back.

No! I'm saying you got to go
down there and take it back.

Like a man.

Yeah.
I mean, I mean, yeah!

I am going to the Clam and
I'm getting my booth back.

And, Meg, you're gay.

No, I'm not.

You like guys, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's
called being gay.

Hey.

Uh, hey, Kevin.

You, uh... you smell
like a rabbit, buddy.

Did something just
happen with a rabbit?

I'll go get my dad.

Listen, you guys.

I think we're
all suffering

from what happened
down at the Clam.

Yeah, I had to
start taking pills

so I'd stop
thinking about it.

Quagmire, that's a Cialis.

That's right, I'm not
thinking about it anymore.

I'm thinking
about that couch.

Well, I think
we gave up too easy.

We need to march
back down to the Clam

and take back what's ours.

He's right.
We need to sit up to those guys.

No way.

You want to get
yourselves killed,

that's your business,
but I'm not going.

Fine, me and Joe
will go without you.

But just know
you're letting us down.

We're supposed
to stick together.

Like goatee guys
at a barbecue.

Do you mind if I stand next
to you while we eat standing?

No problem.

Hey, let's go grab
some good beer

even though we
brought the bad beer.

And these two barbecue scumbags

formed a lifelong friendship

until their deaths
at the ripe old age of 52

in separate ATV accidents.

You know, I'm so glad
you finally agreed

to go out with me, Jenna.

Me, too. I'm having
a really nice time.

You seem like a great guy.

Yes, thank you, we'll take
the table in the corner,

next to the herpes dog.

Oh, hey, Brian.

And who's your date?

Wow, you must be
such a good person

to knowingly go out with
a herpes-riddled dirtbag.

Ew! I'm sorry, Brian.

I-I've got to go.

Damn it, you guys!

Her dad's really rich!

Wow, you weren't kidding.

Yeah.

Hey, you bums!

If you bastards
want our booth,

you got to go
through us to get it.

Smells like this guy's
already wet himself.

Don't flatter yourself.

That was from this morning.

Oh, man, this is gonna be fun.

Yeah, and there's only
two of you losers.

Where's your skinny friend?

Right here.

Quagmire! You came!

Sure did, Peter.

Thanks for calling me
skinny, by the way.

I realized you
were right.

If we don't stand up
for ourselves now,

we'll regret it
for the rest of our lives.

And this might be the stupidest
thing I've ever done, but...

Oh, now you're gonna get it.

Whelp, I'm out.

Aah!

Hey! That was my pool cue.

I brought it from home.

Oh, sorry.

It screws together.

And I even have
this special little case for it.

I-I feel bad now. I...

Aah!

Hyah!

Hey, that was my
Pawtucket Patriot sign.

I brought it from home.

Okay, now I'm starting
to doubt everything you said.

All right, guys,
I know this looks desperate,

but I've got
this can of spinach.

Aah!

Aw, God, it's all watery.

Aah!

You know, I almost said
"no chairs" at the beginning.

Haven't you guys
had enough?

Why don't you just admit
you're beat and get out of here?

Okay.

No! Never!

We will never stop fighting
for this booth.

This booth is my home.

I was born in this booth.

I was married in this booth.

My children were all conceived
in this booth.

Hell, I witnessed every
significant historical event

in my lifetime right here!

I was in this booth
when the Challenger exploded.

Oh, my God, no!

I was in this booth on 9/11.

Oh, my God, no!

I was in this booth when
President Obama was elected.

Oh, my God, no!

So, if you want this booth,
you're gonna have

to pry it
from my cold, dead hands.

Why are we even bothering
with these idiots?

We're shipping out to
Afghanistan tomorrow.

You guys are soldiers?

It's our
third tour of duty.

If I could touch my own head,
I'd salute you.

With his head,
I salute you.

Everyone,
I declare this to be

These Three Guys Day.

And not
These Three Guys Day.

I can't believe I have
to root for Afghanistan now.

Ah, damn it!

Stewie! Chris!

Yes, Brian?

You hacked my
Facebook account!

Oh, yes, we actually just
changed your profile picture.

Aah! Damn it!
Look, enough, okay?

What the hell do you
guys want from me?!

I want to drive
your Prius

to the end of the block
all by myself.

That's it?
Yes.

Okay.

Yay!

That's, uh... that's way past
the end of the block.

Yeah, his room's empty.

I don't think
he's coming back.

Huh.

Well, what about you?

I want to go on a date
with Neve Campbell

so I can give her a
nice ladle of Stew.

What? How am I supposed
to even find her?

Damn it, Stewie, why are you
being so vindictive?

Because, Brian,
for the first time in my life,

I realized I couldn't trust you.

I couldn't trust
my own best friend.

I... I'm sorry, Stewie.

You're right. I let you down.

I guess... I guess
I was just too embarrassed

to admit I had herpes.

It was a rotten thing to do,

and I promise I will
never lie to you again.

Thanks, Brian.

That's all I really wanted.

So, do you forgive me?

Yes. I do.

So, I'm gonna have herpes
for the rest of my life, huh?

Yeah, but most of the time,
it won't even be an issue.

It only really flares up
during periods of great stress.

Like your wedding day
or a big job interview.

So, what would you say some
of your weaknesses are?

That... that-that's
probably one of them.