Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 10 - Grimm Job - full transcript

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

MAN
We now return to An Early Draft

of A Streetcar Named Desire.



Deb? Deb!

Debbie!

Good night, Lois.

Sorry about hitting
you at dinner.

It was nice of the manager
not to call the cops.

Yeah, it worked out.

Happy anniversary.

Hey, hey!

I can't remember if I'm supposed

to sleep on my stomach
or my back.

What does
the current literature say?

Peter, go check
on Stewie.

Fine.

Oh, my God, look at you.



You're out of breath.

It's 15 feet
from your door to mine.

Aw, what's the matter, Stewie?

You a little scared in here?

Don't worry,
there's no monsters.

Of course there's
no monsters.

Or are you worried
about what happened

to that family
down the street?

Those three guys broke in,
beat up the father

with a croquet mallet,
and then stole the baby,

and nobody knows
where the baby is now?

Is that what you're
thinking about, buddy?

I am now!

Tell you what, Daddy'll
read you a bedtime story.

Ah, let's see.

Dr. Seuss, Peter Rabbit...

Ah, here we go,
James Michener's Hawaii.

Let's skip three feet in.

Aah, Pearl Harbor!

Okay, let's see, uh...

Ah, here we go.

Fairy Tales.

Oh, not on your lap.

Aah, gross!

"Jack and the Beanstalk."

Now, that title could be
a fairy tale or a porn.

Let's find out.

Jack, we need to put
food on the table.

Oh, give me a break, Wife.

You know, if you could
spin straw into gold

or-or maybe meth,
I wouldn't need a job.

Well, then, sell the cow!

And be sure you get
real money for it.

What else would I get?

I don't know... magic beans?

There are magic beans?

I don't know.

Who cares?

Well, what's
magic about them?

Don't get magic
beans, you idiot.

What? I-I'd never
even freaking heard

of magic beans
till you said them.

If I do get them,
it's you what caused it.

So, you're selling me?

Yeah, well, you heard
her back there.

She wants her stupid magic beans
so the whole world has to stop.

Halt, travelers!

Oh, my God!

Why do you look like that?

Ah, all of these stories
were written by Germans.

But nobody can cross my bridge
without paying a toll.

A toll? Like what?

You have to name three
great Jewish athletes

or pay a thousand
gold coins.

Uh, Hank Greenberg,

Sandy Koufax

and, uh, Gal Fridman,

Olympic windsurfer.

Took gold in Athens in 2000

and the bronze
in Atlanta in '96.

I can see you're
on your phone.

Oh, come on,
I'm supposed to go into town

and sell this cow.

Ooh, you're selling that cow?

I don't have much, but I'll give
you some magic beans for it.

That's exactly
what I was supposed to get!

I said not magic beans.

Look, le-let's
just admit we both

kind of got our
wires crossed,

and commit to being
clearer in the future.

Jack, I'm sick of your
irresponsible behavior.

Like when you were supposed
to be babysitting Georgie Porgie

and his sleazy brother
Rick Porgie.

Hey, Rick, you want to kiss
some girls and make them cry?

No, but let's thumb-blast them
and make them puke.

What the hell are we supposed
to do with these anyway?

I knew you'd be mad, so
I've asked the band Heart

to explain these beans in a
way you can dreamily digest.

These beans

Go on when I close my eyes

Every second of the night

I live another life

These beans that sleep
when it's cold outside.

They changed the word
"dreams" to "beans."

I-I was hoping they'd
change a few more words

to pertain to our situation,

but I-I-I'm just
happy they did this.

Jack, this is ridiculous.

Tomorrow I want you
to go back out there

and look for a job
that pays actual money.

These things are worthless.

I know she's gone,
but can you do the other one?

What about beans?

Don't you want someone
to care about you?

"Mary Davis gives birth to...

lamb?"

Holy crap!

Oh, my God!

Wha-What is that?

I think those magic beans
grew into a giant beanstalk.

Hey, where the hell'd
that thing come from?

It's blocking my view of
Little Miss Muffet's tuffet.

Ooh, isn't my tuffet soft

and pink and wonderful?

Ah, damn it!
I need to see that

so I can make curds and whey.

Relax, Rumpleforeskin.

This is a magic beanstalk
that grew overnight.

And I'm gonna climb it.

Jack, what are you
talking about?

You can't climb all
the way up there.

I have to.

My old gym coach is over there
with a whistle.

Come on, Jack,
your brother was

varsity beanstalk climbing.

He's dead!

And now to throw
this handful of change down

because I'm a psychopath.

Aah, damn it!

Thank you!

I say, who the
devil are you? Go away!

Aw, I-I'm sorry.

Are you taking
a goose poop?

I'm not defecating,
you nitwit.

I'm laying an egg.

Golden eggs!

Oh, my God!

This is probably
what famous black rappers

eat for breakfast.

Who goes there?!

Oh, boy.
You woke up dum-dum.

Fee-fi-fo-fum.

I smell the blood
of an English man.

It's odd that you would speak
gibberish of your own choosing

and not make it rhyme.

How did you get here?

By beanstalk.

How did you get up here?

This is just a house
floating in the air.

I fell from a higher cloud.

That is not what happened.
H-He's out of his mind.

He just sits in his room all
day and inhales hair spray.

Well, you can't have my goose.

Okay, two men
fighting over me.

Neat.

All right, we're just gonna
have to quietly run away.

I'll create a diversion.

Aah! Look at me!

Look at me! Look at me!

Aah!

Damn beanstalk.

Hey, Little Boy Brown!

You said you were
gonna help me saw.

I can't
find no gloves!

Aah!

Aah!

Jack six, giant zero.

What? What? Why-why
is that six points?

Oh, Jack, you're safe.

I was so worried.

And I got this golden goose.

Our troubles are over.

Well, our-our money
troubles are over.

Our sexual troubles are still...
are still very much alive.

Now we wait.

"The end."

So, the lesson there is
if you steal,

you better be ready
to murder, too.

What do you say
we read another one?

Wow, you got a great view
into Bonnie's window from here.

Man, how do you get
any work done?

What do you mean?
Lois is prettier than Bonnie.

Oh, I get it.

It's worse, but it's different.

Okay, all right,
so that's something.

Okay.

So I got out of the
car to take a leak,

because I'd been drinking,
and I didn't know

it was next to a
children's park.

But anyway, that's
why this lady

has to watch whenever
I play with you.

Both hands
on the book, please.

It's my son!
Come on!

Geez!

Thank you, Maya.

All right, the next story is
"Little Red Riding Hood."

Red Riding Hood
was choosing her clothes

for a journey
across the forest.

You know, if I had the guts,

I would be
Little White Turtleneck.

And by "guts," I mean "body."

Red, don't forget this basket
of food for Grandma.

This whole thing is
way too heavy.

Wh-Why are you putting
a bag of ice in here?

Is this... is this
a Coors Party Ball?

Is Grandma going
to be entertaining

Florida Jet Ski people?

Remember, stay on the path
and you'll be fine.

Oh, yes, great advice
from mother of the year.

You do realize Grandma
lives 68 miles away, right?

You-you're sending your
child out there to die.

Tra-la-la-la-la

Skipping song,
skipping song

No one's here
to call me gay.

If you were my son,
I would kill you.

Really? Because I hear
your son is a sap.

If you're gonna
hit the king,

you better kill the king.

Oh, hey.

You're the wolf, right?

Yup, and don't forget
"big" and "bad."

Nah.

So, um, what happened with you
and those three little pigs?

Wh-Why did you want
to eat them so badly?

It-it's so amazing that that's
what people think happened.

First of all, I didn't want
to eat them, all right?

I wanted to talk
to one of them.

About what?

Well, she was
my ex-girlfriend,

and I believed
I was due an explanation

about why she was
such a whore.

All right, well, I'm
off to my grandmother's,

but before I go, I better
take a deep-woods dump.

Her bathroom is right
off the dining room.

So, it's either now
or three days from now.

Where are you going, dear?

I got to go check
on my shoe apartment complex.

Old woman breeds
like a gopher.

Hello?
Is anyone home?

Ay, no, no.

I can hear
the muffled Mexican music.

Look, if you guys
don't shape up,

I'm gonna rent this place

to Goldilocks
and the three bears.

Ooh, this is nice.

It's every bit as
darling as you said.

They're gonna
fix up the place.

Who is it?

It's your granddaughter, Red.

How do I know it's you?

Oh, come on, that's
a perfect imitation.

Open up. I brought strawberry
shortcake and Cool Whip.

And what?

Oh, sorry.
I mean Cool Hwhip.

That's my little girl.

Oh, my!

Come in.

Who the hell are you?

Why, your grandma,
of course.

All right, fine.

I guess we're doing this.

My, what big eyes
you have, Grandma.

All the better
to see you with, my dear.

My, what big...
You know what?

I-I'm sorry, I-I can't.

I-I can't do this.
I-I'm not an idiot.

My grandma is a human woman.

How-how was this ever a scene?

All right, fine, yes.

It's me, the wolf.

Must we go through
this charade?

It's insulting.

I don't know
why you're complaining.

I'm the one who's about

to get violently bisected
by the woodsman.

What woodsman?

Ha-ha!

You know, I'm not sure
if that's our hero

or just a lunatic

going house to house
murdering people.

Ha-ha!

Yeah, he-he-he
just did it again.

I think we should...

I think we should call somebody.

Aw, look at the little guy.

So peaceful.

Hey! Wake up! We got one more!

Now, if this don't get you
to sleep, nothing will.

"Cinderella"
by nobody remembers.

A long time ago,
in a magical, faraway land,

several women lived together
and, surprise, surprise,

they didn't exactly get along.

Hey, Cinderella,
how's the scrubbing going?

God, we have so few female
characters to work with.

You just keep scrubbing
that poo spot

so I can come back
and poo on that spot again.

You guys are gonna regret
being mean to me someday.

Mean to you? Us?

When are we ever
mean to you?

Remember the time
you told King Midas

to go to third base with me?

Now I'm dealing with this.

I dated him, too.

It's so unfair that we're called
the "evil" stepsisters.

Yeah, I mean,
you'd be evil, too,

if your stepdad was
Bruce Jenner.

Hey, girls, feel my cheek,
it's like a bottom!

He stole me horn!

Well, I don't,
I don't know what that was,

but th-the first one has
a parchment from the Charmings.

It's an invite to a party
for the prince!

I hear he's looking
for someone

to spend the rest
of his life with.

Well, it won't be you.

Yeah, there's a reason this
story's not called "Cinderella."

Actually, it is.

Ah, that does not
bode well for us.

Now, since we're all
planning on drinking,

I called us a pumpkin.

Wait for me!

You said, if I had
a nice dress,

I could go to the ball.

How did you even make
that dress so fast?

Oh, you know,
I-I have an eye for fashion,

and I'm pretty good
with my hands.

Unbelievable.

Now I'm worried about that
screenplay we gave her.

You're not going
to the ball!

It's for ladies,
not scumbag nobodies.

Girls, shred her dress and
divvy it up for monthlies.

Well, that's
not cool, either.

They're all kind of bitches.

And then they ripped up my dress
so now I have nothing to wear.

Well, sometimes
"nothing to wear" is a fun time.

You know, just get weird.

Cinderella, I am
your fairy godmother.

"Fairy" in the magical sense,
not about kissing guys.

Oh, my God!

I want that bitch Snow White to
just admit she had an abortion.

Whoa, whoa!

I was thinking more like
a new dress for the party.

Or a bunch of chew toys.

Your choice.

Chew toys.
Take the chew toys.

A new dress?

Well, that means I
could go to the ball!

Oh, what a beautiful dress.

B-But how will I
get to the ball?

I-I don't have a horse
or a carriage.

Oh, yeah, that's... yeah,
just change me into whatever.

Yeah, that's cool. Thanks.

Well, is everything
all right in here...?

This hurts! This hurts!

This ball is kind of lame.

All these royal types
are inbreeding, walleyed,

bucktooth monsters
who have to be wheeled around

under a blanket.

I say! Wherever is Grandmum-mum?

She would so enjoy
the festoonities!

That's not a word, sir.

My mind races from the damp!

Hey, how are you?

Hey, hi, there.
Thanks for coming.

These are my daughters,
and they will do anything

to be your princess,
right, girls?

See anything
you like?

Oh, I'm so fancy
and moist.

Ew, you guys are gross.

But stick around in case
I don't find anyone else.

Okay, first of all,
obviously the dress.

Wow.

And you smell slightly
less worse

than everyone else
in the kingdom.

Oh, why, thank you,
I just bathed last year.

Hey, wh-where you going?

Come back here!

You brushed up against it!

You got to take care of it now!

Wait, wait, you forgot
your glass slipper.

And a box of condoms.

Aw, man!
Things were gonna happen.

We almost kissed.

Why couldn't the magic have
lasted five more minutes?

Now I'll never get to be
a rich, do-nothing wife.

Sorry your dreams
haven't come true.

My lord, there is no sign
of her, and we searched far.

Did you search wide?
No.

You got to search wide,
that's like half of it.

And so the prince searched
all over the kingdom

for the foot
that fit the glass slipper.

Well, not "all" over.

He skipped the, uh,
south side of town,

which, uh, even
in fairy tale times,

was, um...

let's just say "loud."

And so, whoever fits in this
slipper will be my princess.

Or prince.

I'm bi.

Oh, there's my slipper!

Oh, I've been looking
all over for it.

Well, when I'm not
doing gymnastics.

This could be your life.

Enough!

It's you.

Her?

I can't wait to make love
to you a hundred years

before the invention
of toilet paper.

And so, two people who danced
together one time

entered into an ill-advised,
long-term relationship.

And they lived happily ever
after for seven months

and then separated with
the goal of fixing themselves

and getting back together.

They got into a huge fight
when his mom got sick.

And now they don't even follow
each other on Twitter.

The end.

Good night, Stewie.

Good night, Chris.

Good night, Meg.