Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 9 - Peter Problems - full transcript

Lately Peter hasn't been able to perform very well in the bedroom. So he asks Quagmire and Joe to step in and help him get his mojo back.

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

Morning, Stella.

Morning, Peter.



Hey, listen, I-I got to
ask you something.

Last night, I heard,
uh, the song

"Pour Some Sugar On Me,"

and-and this question
popped into my head.

Are you... and please say
yes... are you related...

and even if you're not, please
say yes... are you related to...

and please say yes
because I need the attention

from my friends... are you
related to Def Leppard?

Griffin, can I talk
to you privately?

Stella, turn around.

You know, that is one nice thing
about having a deaf coworker.

Well, that and I can work
on my verbal sound effects

and not feel
self-conscious about

the ones that aren't
quite there yet.



What are you talking about?

I'm talking about this:
shabba dabba dabba dabba dabba.

That's a helicopter
hovering over a woman

swimming in her pool.

I also do animals.

Here's a mouse.

Mouse?

Oh, that one's ready.

Griffin, I actually
came to tell you

that you're being promoted
to forklift operator.

Really? That's awesome!

Yeah, Frank retired, and
since you're already required

to wear a helmet here...

which, by the way,
put on your helmet.

Oh, sorry.

Anyway, the job is yours.

Which means you'll be
receiving a five percent raise.

Wow, a raise!

I guess this means I can
afford to set up this cutaway

with a fancy
new transition.

Cutaway

End of cutaway

All right, you beautiful
bastard, show me what you got.

Peter, you can run now,

and no one will
call you a quitter.

What am I saying? No.

I learned how to use stickers,
and I can learn how to use this.

Oh, this is awesome.

Oh, guys, good,
you're here.

I am so excited.
Guess what.

I hope this isn't
about your podcast again.

Why? Did you
finally listen to it?

Yeah, it was just
15 minutes of you listing

all the hats
you could think of.

Sherlock Holmes hat.

Football man hat.

Angry working-class
Irish idiot hat.

Underwear 'cause you're a cat
in the laundry basket hat.

Vietnamese the sun
is my enemy hat.

Halloween mask that
I flip up to eat my candy hat.

College guy wearing
a pizza box hat.

Blue hat.

I think that's all the hats.

No, you guys, this
is really big.

You're not gonna
believe this.

Peter, we've
been over this.

You're not
allowed to say that

unless there's
a forklift outside.

Forklift!

Wow!

I know,
awesome, right?

Oh, my God,
I want to get on!

Hold on, remember the first
thing we said we'd do.

Wow.

So that's what the
tops of cars look like.

All right,
walking speed.

Afternoon, ma'am.

Afternoon to you,
normal sir.

No one can tell.

Uh, how's the weather
down there, you short idiot?

Should we tell him
his pants fell off?

No, let's wait awhile.

Well you can tell by
the way I use my walk

I walk all the time,
'cause my legs can walk.

Uh, are you gonna
stay for the bris?

Nah, I don't
want to see that.

This whale's
beached himself.

He needs to get back
in the water or he'll die.

Step aside,
I'll handle this.

Give me some room.

You're whale-come.

Aw, cool shell.

Ah, this is what it's
all about, huh, Duke?

600 gallons of beer
in one big thing.

This is what
we do, Peter.

You know, I always thought
I could chug that,

but I never tried 'cause
I figured I couldn't lift it.

Until now.

Are you nuts?
No way you can chug that.

No, I can totally do it.

I've only had, like,
four beers this morning.

He's doing it!

It's killing him,
but he's doing it.

So, as you can see,
sales are going very well.

Griffin, you're fired!

Eh, see if I care.

Hello, COBRA?

I'd like to pay $1,300 for
one month of health insurance.

How's the job
search going, Dad?

Eh, not great, Chris.

I'm looking
at the paper right now.

I don't see a lot here.

Hey, Lois, how much
you think a Sagittarius pays?

I think you're in
the wrong section, Peter.

Oh, pardon me.

Oh, looks like
the Dodgers just cut Pena.

Might be something there.

Peter, put
the paper down.

Okay, kids,
off to school.

Now, I know
it's picture day,

but we can't
afford them anymore,

so just run
behind another kid

when they're getting
their picture taken.

Peter, we should talk
about this job situation.

Our savings are
getting pretty low.

You know,
actually, Peter,

there's a lot
of job training programs

sponsored by the state

that could help you
get the skills you need

for another occupation.

You know, Brian,
you could get a job.

I have a job.

I-I'm a writer, Peter.
I'm working right now.

See this,
all of this?

This is the raw material
of a picture of life

that I'm gonna
paint with words.

Yesterday, it took you
30 minutes

to lap up a cold cut
off the floor.

That's my process!

It's been three weeks

and you haven't had
a single job lead.

Oh, that's not true.

I came really close
with that job at the school.

So, what makes you want
to be a crossing guard?

I don't know, I just
thought it would be cool

to decide which kids do
and don't get hit by a car.

Well, Peter, since you've been
having such a tough time,

I was thinking, maybe I
should look for a job.

Lois, I'll be damned if I will
let my wife be a prostitute.

What? No, I'll get
a regular job.

What,
like a lawyer?

Peter, there are jobs for women
between prostitute and lawyer.

Wartime nurse?

We need money.

I'm gonna look
for a job.

I guess you should;
and that'll give me more time

to focus on expanding
my record collection.

How's this one?
Oh, Bach.

Is very good.
I recommend.

And this one?

Oh, Mozart.

The boy genius.

The best.

Okay, how about this?

Ooh, Debussy.

I love Debussy.

Sometimes all I can
think about is Debussy.

Oh, look at the pianist.

The pianist is so good
with Debussy.

So, you like
his early work?

Oh, yes,
when Debussy was young,

that's when
you want Debussy.

Okay, I'll
take these two.

Very good, sir.

Just make sure
you finish on the Bach.

Never finish on Debussy.

Bravo! Bravo!

All right,
you can do this.

You've shopped here for years.

You know this place
like the back of your hand.

Now, Mrs. Griffin, where
did you go to college?

Groceries.

Are you available
to work weekends?

Groceries.

Very impressive.

This next one is
a trick question.

Groceries?

I'm hired.

Welcome aboard.

Hey, guys,
great news.

You're looking at
the new assistant store manager

of Stop 'N Shop.

You got a job
at the grocery store?

That's great!

You get to see all the food
before it's famous.

Well, you know
you've made it

when you've got
a teenage boss.

Lois, that's awesome!

Now I can spend
my days at The Clam

like we've always
talked about.

No, Peter, if I'm gonna
be out of the house working,

you're gonna have to take over
for me in the house.

Wait, wait, what,
I-I got to do what you do?

Spending the whole day
taking Tylenol PMs

and straddling
the bath faucet?

Well, the guy knows what's going
on here, I'll give him that.

No, I mean, you're gonna need to
cook the meals and do laundry

and take care of Stewie,
like I've been doing.

Are you serious?

Dad's gonna
run the house?

Hey, I can do it.

I mean, it can't be
any harder than that job

I used to have
at the bowling alley.

Bowlarama.

Yes, we're open.

Oh, yes, we have a wide
selection of balls

that are way too heavy
or have too-small finger holes.

Uh, no, you will not
be able to do anything

with your wrist
for seven days afterward.

Yes, sir, all of the joysticks
in the arcade

are completely covered in pizza
grease, no worries there.

What's that?

Oh, absolutely, there is always
a group of teenagers

throwing the ball real hard
and scaring everyone.

No, there is no smoking,
but we do let you smoke.

Yes, it's all terrible,
come on down.

Why are you doing laundry
in the dishwasher?

Oh, I can't use
the washing machine;

it's really been
acting up lately.

What the hell?

What's going on
down here?

This is washing
machine stuff.

Go back upstairs,
suck-bag.

All right, Stewie, I'm gonna
change your diaper now.

Which, unfortunately, means
I have to touch your privates.

All right, so here I
come with the cloth.

Okay? This is
not sexual.

All right, I've made contact
with your undercarriage.

I am moving it upwards
with a cupped hand.

I'm looking you
in the eye now.

Please meet my gaze.

And we're done.

That was intense.

All right, kids,
you are really gonna love

these Cornish game hens
I cooked for dinner.

Now, I don't want
to pat myself on the back,

but I worked all day
getting 'em just right...

Holy crap!

Oh, my God.

Then that means...

And that also means...

You know what, Peter?

You tried hard, and you
still earned that wine.

I'm home.

Wow, Peter,
the house looks amazing.

Yeah, well, let's
take off our shoes

and try to keep
it that way, huh?

No, really, Peter,
it seems like you've really

taken to being
a househusband.

Well, it hasn't
been easy.

Between doing the
laundry and vacuuming,

I barely had time to
put on a nice sweater

and clasp a cup of
tea with two hands.

Ah.

And now to tie this sweater
around my waist

and walk around
the neighborhood.

Well, what do you say
I reward you

for all your hard work?

Geez, Lois, is that
all you think about?

I'm tired.

Come on, Peter.

I need this release.

I had a long
day at work.

Oh, work.

I suppose work
is why you missed

Chris's father-son picnic.

Peter, you're still
Chris's father.

Why can't you just listen

instead of trying
to fix everything?!

Get in here, Peter.

Don't you want to have sex?

I don't think we've done it
since I started working.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Come on, where's my big,
strong man?

Putting on one of your
dress shirts to look sexy.

Mmm.

I want to do it on top
of the comforter.

I don't care if
we make streaks.

Well, of course you don't,

you're not the one
who cleans it.

Peter, just shut
up and take me!

Peter, get up! Get up!

There's a caterpillar
in the bed!

Oh, that's, uh...
that's me.

What?

How do I put this
delicately?

My hog cannot partake
in the slop this evening.

Peter, are you having
trouble getting... ready?

Yes, obviously,
I'm having trouble!

Well, somebody's gonna
have sex with me.

Lois, don't say that.

Quagmire will show up
like the Road Runner.

It's okay, your vagina's
just a painted-on hole.

Oh, Peter,
you're up.

That's not
what I heard.

Hey, Peter, you want
a little something

to put in that
orange juice?

What? Why? It's 9:00 a.m.

Well, I
figured you'd

like to start your day
with a stiff one.

You can't
get a boner!

You're a failure as
a man and a father.

Peter, it's nothing
to get upset about.

There's treatments
available.

We'll go see
Dr. Hartman.

I don't want to do that;
I'm embarrassed.

This shouldn't
embarrass you.

The size should
embarrass you.

How about now? Is this
doing anything for you?

No.

Hmm. Well, what if
I show you my tattoo?

Nothing.
Well, you got a dead rat

in your
pants, mister.

There's got to be
something you can do,

Dr. Hartman.

Have you tried
getting a divorce?

I've never seen this
problem in a single man.

Doctor, what about
Viagra or Cialis?

What about them?

Well, if Peter
could try them,

they might help
with his problem.

Those are for man troubles?

I've been prescribing them
as antidepressants.

Everything's just getting
harder and harder.

Hey, you guys
want another round?

Oh, I don't know, Peter,
it's getting kind of late.

Yeah, I got
to get going.

It takes me three hours
to get ready for bed.

Oh, please don't
make me go home

and disappoint
my wife yet again!

What are you
talking about, Peter?

You know how earlier tonight
we all said we had erections?

I lied.

So did I.

Dr. Hartman says I'm impotent.

Oh, you don't have to
take that from him.

You know, Dr. Hartman
once told me I had gonorrhea.

So I hit him
in the head with a bat.

I give gonorrhea,
I don't get gonorrhea. Okay?

It's terrible, guys.

I tried the pills he gave me,
but even they didn't work.

Well, look at it
this way, Peter:

without sex, you'll
have more time

to do the things you've
always wanted to do.

For me, it was learning
to play the trombone.

Why the hell would you
want to play the trombone?

For moments
like this.

Peter can't
get an erection.

Peter, I am gonna help
you beat impotence.

We can do
this together.

Thanks, Quagmire,
'cause this sucks.

I think even the people

at the office supply store
can tell.

Um, excuse me,
where do you keep

your three-ring binders?

Those are on aisle...

Hold on a sec.

We're all out
of binders.

All right, Peter, now, when
it comes to curing impotence,

sometimes you
have to get creative.

So, we're gonna try the Boston Method.
What's that?

Well, basically, some dirtbag
from Boston yells at your junk

to scare it
into working again.

So you got a
stupid penis, huh?

I-I guess so.

You hear me in there,
dum-dum? Let's look alive.

Listen, I could be nice about
this or I could get my brother.

And he did some
serious time

for throwing a turkey
off a bridge into a car.

It's-it's not working.

All right,
well, I got to go.

There's a ripped screen door
that needs slamming.

How could a town
with so many great colleges

produce nothing but dopes?

You sure this is
gonna work, Quagmire?

Of course. This isn't
the first time

I've rigged up
a sex puppet.

I now have full control
over your genitals.

Are you sure?

Yeah, check it out.

It looks like
an unmanned fire hose.

Stop smiling,
this is serious.

You got to have
your sex face.

Okay, okay, my sex face
is a ton of underbite.

Okay.

Lois, I'm ready.

Oh, Peter.

How about this?

Damn it, Peter,
I'll set the pace, you idiot.

All right, now to
let some line out.

Let her dance with it a little.

Oh, come on, Peter,
get out of my water glass.

I need to take a pill later.

Oh, sorry, I guess I need
to be a little more to the left.

A little more
to the left!

Come on, Quagmire, you were
a Navy pilot for six years.

Land this thing.

Oh, Peter, that's new.

Let me try.

Eh, tired.

Nothing seems to be
working, you guys.

Is it gonna
be like this forever?

Yes.
No.

Yes.

Hold on, Peter. You didn't start
having trouble in the bedroom

until you lost
your job, right?

Yeah, so?

Well, that
explains it.

I mean, you've been
completely emasculated

because you're no longer
the breadwinner.

What are you
getting at, Quagmire?

There's only
one thing

that's gonna restore
your masculinity.

We got to get you
your old job back.

It was a mistake for me
to ever take that promotion.

Wait a minute.

It was a mistake
giving you a promotion.

Quagmire.

I'm not following you.

So, by promoting
an incompetent man,

you were at fault.

Nice try,
but I'm not the one

who drove a forklift
into a conference room

and sent two people
to the hospital.

Come on, since
this man lost his job,

he can't pleasure
his wife.

Is that true?

I-I have what the kids call
"maje wien probs."

Angela, I really
need my job back.

And I could stand here
and give you a big speech

about second chances and promise
to work harder than ever before.

And I could remind you that
one day you might be in my shoes

and maybe you'll need
a second chance.

But I'm not gonna do that.

I'm gonna cash in
this coupon you gave me

last Valentine's Day.

"One Redo For Being Fired
For Gross Negligence."

"And One Hug."

The hug one is expired, Griffin.

This one's for free.

Welcome back, Griffin.

Aw.

Who's that?

Oh, I hired a studio audience
to do your old job.

You guys are fired.

Aw.

Peter, I can't
help you shake DVDs

out of the Redbox again.

I got in trouble last time.

Now, go away, I'm working.

You don't have to anymore,
because I got my old job back.

Peter, I'm so proud of you.

And you know what?

Something else is
working now, too.

Oh, my.

Let's go home.

No. I am gonna
do you right here

on a stack
of pita bread.

Oh, Peter.

Yeah, the bread's all
soft and doughy, isn't it?

And the inside of
the bag's always wet

because those hairy
dummies put it in too hot.

This is a cool place.