Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 11 - Brian's a Bad Father - full transcript

Brian uses his son to get a writing job for a TV show, and Quagmire stops being friends with Peter after Peter shoots him.

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

Ah, this hunting trip
is long overdue.

Yeah, I mean, it's just too bad
that all the-the animals



are so spread out, you know?

I mean, wouldn't it
be awesome if-if they were all

grouped together,
like in a cafeteria,

and you could just go in there
with a trench coat

and just waste them?

Well, maybe I can stir up
some quail or pheasant

with my patented
bird calls.

Birds! Quail! Pheasant!

Come on out!

I'm a bird of the opposite sex
who's interested in mating!

Did you hear that?

We're gonna get laid!

Billy, Billy, come on.

Don't be stupid.



Should've taken
the shot, fat-ass.

Ah, ah, ow!

Hey, Peter, you got
your safety on, right?

Yeah, of course.

Okay, 'cause your gun is
pointing right at me.

Well, you want me
to pull the trigger

and prove it to you?

No, I just want to make
sure your safety's on.

There. See, Quagmire?

Safety's on.

Now this is a gun
without a safety.

Quite the difference, huh?

Damn it, Peter,
you son of a bitch!

You shot me!

Oh, my God, Peter!

That might be the dumbest
thing you've ever done.

No, the dumbest
thing I ever did

was open that
can of whup-ass.

Lois, why did you buy this?!

It was on sale!

A writer who inherits
a magic typewriter

that writes for him,

but then it turns out
the typewriter is... racist?

Totally makes sense.

Older technology,
older world view.

And that is a good day.

I earned some banana bread.

Oh, crap.

It's Dylan.

Dylan? Your son?

I haven't heard you
mention him in ages.

Yeah, I-I decided to step away
from the whole situation.

The last thing he needs
is a father who's,

you know, sometimes
there, sometimes not.

Really? When-when was the part
when you were there?

Hey, if I
click "ignore,"

will he know that I'm
sending him to voice mail?

Hey, Dylan!

Hey, it's Stewie!

Yeah, I'm right here
with your dad!

Hey... hey, Dylan.

Hey, Dad!

I know we haven't
talked in a while,

but I'm calling because
I'm on my way to Quahog.

Oh, really?

W-When are you
getting here?

Tuesday...
Oh, don't say Tuesday!

Aw, aw, I'm at the...
I'm at the...

I'm out at
the project all day.

Aw, hands on,
indispensable.

They-they need me there,
so, wow.

Rats. Bummer.

I can cover for you
at the project, Brian!

Go see your boy!

Dad, who's your coworker?

He sounds nice.

He's widely disliked
here, but, uh...

I'll meet you Tuesday
at the coffee shop.

Sounds great.
I'll see you then.

Okay, b-bye.

See? Don't you feel better?

You're gonna go
to that lunch,

you're gonna reconnect
with your son.

It'll be great.

I don't know, Stewie.

Trust me, you should
take my advice.

I mean, I'm the guy
who told Michael Chiklis

to wear tight shirts.

I'll tell you
anything you want,

just get your boobs
out of my face!

You know the difference
between you and me, dirtbag?

No matter how muscular I get,
I will never be muscular.

Hey, Quagmire,
what's with the cast?

Did you hurt your arm after
I shot you in the arm?

The shooting was
the injury, Peter!

Look, I already said I was
sorry, like, a hundred times.

Oh, and before I forget,
I want my Huey Lewis CD back.

Well, I want a new drug.

Okay, at least
you've been using it.

But I want
it back, Peter.

This is it.
Ooh-ah.

Damn it, Peter,
just give it back.

I can't give it back.
I lost it in a poker game.

What?
I didn't think he could beat a two.

Where the hell
do you get off

betting my CD
in a poker game?

I don't think
I like your tone.

W-What? You're-you're saying
I'm being the unreasonable one?!

Geez, calm down,
you guys.

No, no, Joe, Joe, Joe,

it's time somebody
said this to him.

Peter Griffin,
you are an idiot!

You can't even walk
and chew gum at the same time.

Peter, come on!

Walk over here.

I'm doing something.

One thing at a time.

Damn it, Peter, that's it!

I am done!
I'm done with you!

I'm done with
all your crap!

I never want to
speak to you again!

This friendship is over!

Well, fine!

I don't need your friendship!

I got other friends.

I got my silent movie friends.

Coming up, we'll meet
a Filipino man

who actually has
a grown-up haircut.

Hey, what are you
still doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be
having lunch with Dylan?

Yeah, you know, Stewie,
I've been thinking about it.

And I haven't seen
him in years,

and at this point,
I-I just don't see

what could possibly
be gained

from me getting
together with him.

In entertainment news,
Hollywood comes to Quahog

in the form of a new
Disney Channel show

called Parent Boppers,

about a group of
teen detectives.

The show, set and filmed
right here in Rhode Island,

stars local teen and
Irish trash Dylan Flannigan.

Brian, did you hear that?

Your son's gonna be a TV star!

Brian?

He's off to lunch, Meg.

Oh, that dog o' mine!

That's Mike Drunkbeater.

Look it up on the Internet.

Wow, my son Dylan
on a TV show.

Funny how life
turns out, isn't it?

You remember that weekend
we watched TV together?

Boy, little did I know
how much that was gonna rub off.

Did we watch
TV together?

Oh, probably.
But, wow, huh?

And-and you know what's weird?

You're on a show...
I'm a writer.

It's-it's almost like
the universe is trying to...

...I don't know,

make us work together
or something, I don't know.

You... you want
a job on my show?

Hey, hey, don't put
the universe's words

in my mouth, okay?

I don't know, Dad.

I've-I've barely seen you
in the past few years.

So, what better way
to reconnect

than by working
together every day?

Well, I suppose
I could talk to them,

see if they'd
go for it.

Why wouldn't they?

I-I mean,
it wouldn't be

the craziest idea
in show business.

When I grow up,

I want to stick my head
through a circle

at the beginning
of movies and roar.

What's up now, bitches?!

We now return to
Saving Private Ryan,

brought to you without
commercial interruption

by Mazda.

Shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh.

Zoom zoom.

Hey, Jerome, can you
clear out my booth?

Looks like somebody
left their trash here.

Jerome, can you tell
that

to get
the hell out of here

before I
kick him in the face?

Peter, why don't you just sit
in that booth over there?

Oh, man, that's where the
after-work secretaries sit.

What about Mr. Demerson?
Is he single?

I... I-I don't know.

What about Mr. Adelaide?
Is he single?

I don't know
who that is.

Well, who do you know
who is single?

Uh, I'm assuming you.

Oh-oh, hey, look! Cake!

Hey, Joe!
Hey, Joe, I'm over here!

Joe! Joe!
Come sit with me!

Come on, you guys.

Joe, I got a box of
salt water taffies,

and you can have two.

Joe, I got
a deck of cards

you can put in your
wheels to look cool.

Joe, I'll do the wavy
stomach for you.

Looks like a real wave.

Joe, I can scream
your name real loud!

Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!

I can yell it louder!

Joe! Joe! Joe!

Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!
Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!

What the hell
is going on here?!

I'm in there trying
to take a leak!

What, you think
I'm here to amuse you?

You made me dribble
on my Bruno Maglis

turning to see
who's calling my name!

Joe Pesci thought we were
talking to him

'cause his name is Joe.

Oh, you don't know who
Joe Pesci is, 'cause you're 14.

You see, in the '90s,
this was a tough guy.

Hey, multiracial
group of friends,

you want to hang out?

Cut! That's a five.

Tell my assistant I fell asleep
with a condom on again,

and to bring scissors
to my trailer.

All right, guys,
before we begin today,

I want to introduce our newest
staff writer, Brian Griffin.

Hi, guys.

Yes, I am that Brian Griffin.

You probably have my novel,
but just so you know, in here,

I'm just one of
the guys, all right?

You have my novel, right?

Nope? No?

You got it, though.
Nope?

You got it?

Nope, nobody's got it.

All right.

Okay, so we got to
come up with a story

for next week's episode.

How about we do one

where DJ gets his
driver's license?

That could work.
I don't think we've done that.

Love that idea.

No, no, no.

Guys, guys, come on,
where's the STWISTUSION?

Really?
Really?

I'm the only guy here
who's heard of that?

Stakes, twists, conclusion...
STWISTUSION.

That sounds made up.

Let me ask you something:
are you afraid right now?

What? No.

That's what's wrong.

You should be, you know?

Art is scary.

This is writing, man.

The viewer wants to be raped.

Are you saying my nine-year-old
daughter wants to be raped?

Now you're asking
the right questions.

Now you're being creative,
thinking outside the box.

Take what you think you know
and go a different way with it.

Like-like, for instance,
what if the daughter in Taken

was Zooey Deschanel?

Send me her head.

Peter, Quagmire, I've
called you here today

because this
has got to stop.

The petty vying
for my attention,

the late-night phone
calls, the attack ads.

Glenn Quagmire claims to be

Joe Swanson's good friend.

But would a "good friend"
not return a leaf blower

for four months
during the leafy season?

I'm Peter Griffin,

and I broke into a news station
to make this.

Hey, who's that guy?

Well, look, you guys have
given me no alternative.

I have to choose
one of you.

So I choose Quagmire.

What?!
Suck it!

I'm sorry, Peter,

it's just that
Quagmire's been there

for me in some
pretty dark days.

And he's been a wonderful
godfather to Susie.

There she is,
my little Susie-woozie!

I love Susie more!
Come here, Susie!

Uncle Peter's gonna
give you a raspberry.

Peter, that's not
where you do a raspberry.

I closed my eyes too early.

I think it's best
if you leave.

Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe I'll hang out
with my godson, Kevin.

Get out!

He was masturbating
with a knife.

We're rolling!

My stupid parents want me
to wear a bike helmet.

Parents are lame.

Hold on, other kids.
Maybe they just recognize

that nothing can protect us
from the tedium

of our mundane lives.

Aren't we all on bikes
without helmets?

Sometimes I just want
to put this gun in my mouth.

Cut! Your line is
"That's right, Cameron."

I know. My dad wrote
that one for me.

Again with this?

Yesterday, you had
Dakota give herself

an abdomen-punch abortion during
her volleyball tournament.

Hey, seventh grade
can be hell.

Brian, you're fired.

Wait, what?!

Sorry, Brian,
but you're done.

Oh, come on! You can't fire a
writer in the middle of a show!

That would be like
a doctor leaving

in the middle
of a surgery!

Help!

I'm supposed to have surgery,
but my doctor disappeared.

Okay, Josh, this is the shot
you've been waiting for.

Okay, Derek,
this is the shot

you've been waiting for.

Dylan, Dylan,
there you are!

Listen, you can't
let them fire me!

You're the star
of the show!

Dad, believe me, I want
you to work here with me,

but you can't keep
doing things like that.

And they know
you took those cases

of Diet Coke
home last night.

I thought they were
anybody's Diet Coke!

They're for work!
I work at home!

Oh, hey, by the way, are we all
getting those backpacks

with the name
of the show on them?

You know what, Dad?

I'm starting to think
that you've just been

using me to advance
your career!

God! You're
a terrible father!

I never want to
see you again!

My God, he's right.

I ama terrible father.

Brian, do you
know where...

What the hell
are you drinking?

Is that Rite Aid-
brand whiskey?

Stewie, I just feel so awful
about what happened with Dylan.

I mean, every terrible thing
he said about me is true.

Well, you're
a terrible guy, Bri.

I think being a paid writer
again just went to my head.

I mean, I just... I can't
believe I was so selfish.

It's-it's like Dylan just held
a mirror up to me,

and I could finally see how
poorly I'd been treating him.

I guess I didn't realize how
lucky I was to have Dylan back

in my life until I lost him
all over again.

Well, maybe you
should just apologize.

I tried to.

I mean, I texted him
"S-R-Y frowny face."

I mean, he knows that I'm sorry
and that I'm sad.

What are you guys
doing up so early?

What-what are we...

Where have you been?

Well, I certainly wasn't
at the Shriners' convention.

You know what
I think, Brian?

I think you've got to
get down to that set

and apologize
face-to-face.

You're right.

I just... I hope he's willing
to hear me out, you know?

I'm the worst father ever.

I'm even worse than
Marvin Gaye's dad.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

Marvin, if this another
tie, I'm gonna kill you.

Well, looks like it's just
you and me, shadow.

Shadow!

Oh, hey, is, uh...
is Dylan back here?

Sorry, Brian, Dylan says he
doesn't want to see you anymore.

We're not allowed
to let you in.

Well, you know what?
I'm sorry, too.

For what?
For this!

Yeah, you know, you probably
would've had a better shot

if you hadn't yelled
"For this!"

You know,
that-that kind of telegraphed

what you were gonna do.

Ah, Stewie,
it's no use.

They're never
gonna let us in.

Well, maybe
you can't get in,

but I think I know
someone who can.

Zac Sawyer?

I'm Zac Sawyer. Say "when."

Acting.

Singing: pop, classical,
light opera, Italian.

Dancing: classical, tap, jazz.

Horse riding.
Can I? Yes.

Accents: 13.

South American, South African,

British upper class,
British Cockney.

"What, Govnah?"
Somebody gonna stop me?

Fencing, nunchucks.

Driving?
Yes. Automatic and standard...

Okay, okay. Wow.

You're the worst.

Welcome aboard.

We now return to The
Love Boat with Somali Pirates.

I am the captain now.

Well, okay,
but that means

you're in charge of getting
Mr. Devlin to admit

that after 30 years,

he still loves
Mrs. Devlin very much.

That is not the captain's
responsibility!

Well, maybe not where
you come from,

but here on
the Love Boat...

Now, who is Mr. Devlin?

Try skinny-dipping with her
like when you were kids.

Hey, Lois, if I was
gonna kill myself,

do I slit my wrists
this way or this way?

Sideways for attention,
long way for results!

Meg is right.

Okay, I'll be in
the garage.

Peter, put that knife down.

Lois, I don't
have any friends!

So I'm gonna kill myself

and get a full page
in the yearbook.

Then they can't
ignore me.

Who's that?

I don't know.

Okay, Zac, remember,
your character's name

is Tevin Ashe-Taylor.

You surf
and enjoy surfing.

In this scene,
DJ Slopes is thinking

of quitting
the detective agency,

and you're like,
"No way."

Got it.

We're rolling!

Listen, Tevin, I think
I just need more time

to focus
on my snowboarding

and Web series
about energy drinks.

No, man, you got to stay
in the detective agency.

It's what your dad
would want.

What?
What are you talking about?

What the hell's
that new kid doing?

This isn't in the script.

I'm talking about your dad, DJ.

He sent me here with a message.

He said he can't believe
he was so selfish.

It's like you held
a mirror up to him

and he could finally see how
poorly he'd been treating you.

He didn't realize how lucky
he was...

Stay on me,
camera one.

...to have you
back in his life,

and now he feels like
he's lost you all over again.

But how do I know
he won't just hurt me again?

You don't. You never know that.

But isn't taking a risk
better than not having a dad?

Yeah, I guess
you're right.

You're damn right I am.

Cut!

You know, I don't know
where any of that came from,

but I liked it.

Who are you?

I'm Zac Sawyer.

And I go where I'm needed.

Here I go again on my own

Going down the only road
I've ever known.

Where you headed?

Wherever I'm needed.

No, no, it does
not work like that.

I need to put
address in machine.

Okay, maybe, you can
just take me home then.

Where is home?

I-I don't know.

It's-it's my mom
and dad's house,

but I don't
know the address!

I take you airport.

Okay!

All right, Quagmire, I have
given this a lot of thought.

I need you to shoot me
in the arm

so we can be friends again.

Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

No, no, I was supposed
to offer,

and then you were supposed
to say, "No, Peter,

"I'm not gonna shoot you,

although I do appreciate
the gesture."

Hand me the gun, Peter.

I, uh... I passed the test?

No, Peter. I'm gonna shoot you
like a dirty animal.

But-but just the fact

that I would make the offer
is so meaningful to you.

Your offer means
nothing, Peter.

The only thing that
means anything to me

is a bullet in your arm.
Now give me that!

Stop! Stop!
Quagmire, let go!

Come on! You're not leaving
here without being shot!

Look, I was trying
to do the decent thing,

like you'd see in a movie!

I'm putting that bullet
in your arm, Peter!

Ah! Son of a bitch!

It's over.
We're all friends again.

What the hell, Joe?!

I'm just trying
to settle this nonsense.

Nothing got settled!
You shot him!

I'm the one who
has to shoot him!

Wait a second. All right, then
I get to shoot Joe, all right?

He shot me! I mean, if we're
doing things fair here, then...

All right, we're good.

Hey, Dad.

Dylan?

I went to your house,

and Chris told me
you'd be here.

Look, Dylan, I-I'm really sorry
I hurt you.

I've been a really bad father,
like Ernest Hemmingway

or-or some other great writer.

But if-if you'll give me
a chance,

I-I'd like
to try to change that.

I'd like that, too, Dad.

Peter, I'm so glad you patched
things up with your friends.

Have I told you
that we're all friends again?

Yes, Peter, we were just
talking about it.

They're gonna take me
to the zoo and roll me around.

We're all friends again.