Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 4 - Yug Ylimaf - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 11x04 ♪
Yug Ylimaf
Original Air Date on November 11, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==



Hi, there.

Hi. I'm Cindy.

The only way I
believe I'm pretty

is if strangers
have sex with me.

Well, maybe I could help fill
you up with self-confidence.

Brian.

Hello there, sexy.

Hey, do you mind?

We were having
a conversation.

My house has 8,000 square feet,
zero bookshelves.

Wow, that's impressive.

I'm a writer,
published twice.

I own a cinder block yard.

Have over 12,000
cinder blocks.



If you ever need cinder block,
I can get you good price.

Thank you.

I-I have a six-CD changer,
so you can pretty much

fill the tray
and create a world.

Come have sex with me.

My mother will make you
farkshekoosh when we are done.

Okay.

Wait!

I have a time machine.

You do?

Yeah, you want to see it?

Yes, I want to see it!

Better luck next time, pal.

Some people got moves,
others don't.

Been that way forever.

You.

Me. Sex.

Him legend.

Shh.

Why do you keep a sleeping baby
in your time machine room?

I-I don't know,
my decorator's terrible.

Where are we?

Ford's Theater,
April 14, 1865.

Ooh, Valentine's Day.

How romantic.

Uh, yeah, sure,
you know me.

Oh, my God,
the president's been shot!

If you ask me, the
president's the lucky one.

How's that?

He doesn't have to sit
through the rest of the show.

Yes, I'd like
to return this printer.

The frame is
crashing to the ground,

not quite to the mooring mast!
Oh, the humanity!

And all the passengers
screaming around here!

And just when you thought
it couldn't get any worse,

there's a dog having sex
with a woman!

Oh, I know I said,
"Oh, the humanity!" before,

but seriously, oh, the humanity
even more right now!

I mean, come on!

So that's what restaurants
were like before desegregation.

It was quiet.
It was quiet.

Wow, Brian,
you've had quite a string

of female guests
spend the night lately.

Yeah, whatever you're doing,
it's working.

You should see the way
I have to pick up chicks.

Hi.

Well, I guess you can call
me the Man of La Muncha.

Hey, why does your
time machine have a sticker

that says
"property of Stewie Griffin?"

Uh, well, I-I...

All right, to be
completely honest,

and because we've already
had sex, it's not mine.

I use it all the time,
and the owner has no idea.

In fact, he'd
kill me if he knew.

Really? Won't he see that thing
on the control panel

that says "years traveled"?

What thing?

Here's where Brian goes berserk.

Look, it's no big deal.

Just reverse it
and take off the miles.

That's what I do
when I take my dad's car out.

Are you... are you 16?

I will be next September.

Well, I think someone

has a Barnes & Noble gift card
coming for their silence.

Brian, what the hell
are you doing in here?

What's happening
to my time machine?

I-I don't know, man.

I-I saw Meg leaving
a minute ago,

going, "Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha,"
but I-I don't know.

Oh, my God, it's having
a complete meltdown!

What happened?

I don't know.

Dear God, my
time machine!

You, uh... you want
to tell me about this?

See? I told you.
It was Meg.

I don't think so.

The crotch doesn't
look like a BMX track.

You bastard! You've been
using my time machine

to nail your
bar skanks!

Oh, come on,
they're not all bad.

Oh, yes, I've seen the
women you bring home.

That stutterer?
She was a real prize.

How are you enjoying
your meal?

L-L-Lois, it's
d-d-d-delicious.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Peter, why are you turning up
the heat again?

Lois, this woman
is obviously freezing.

Brian, I want
you to tell me

exactly what you did
to my time machine.

Well, I didn't want you
to find out I'd been using it,

so I tried turning the
chronological gauge backward.

It's not designed to
go backward, Brian.

The question is, how
am I going to fix it?

What the hell?

Dear God,
everything's moving backward.

What? What are
you talking about?

I don't know
what the hell you did

with all your
messing around, Brian,

but somehow my machine seems

to have reversed
the direction of time.

Reversed the
direction of time?

Stewie, what does
that even mean?

I don't get it.

Oh, ok, now I get it.

Stewie, you can't just change
the direction of time.

H-How is this even possible?

Well, clearly,
when you attempted

to reverse the gauge
on my time machine,

you somehow released a quantum
shock wave powerful enough

to push the flow of time
in the opposite direction.

I can only surmise that you and
I were isolated from its effects

because we were inside
the machine

at the moment
of temporal inversion.

Are you...
are you sleeping?

Huh? No, no, I...
No, I was listening.

What kind of jerk alters time,
and then falls asleep?

Look, I'm sorry, Stewie,
but do you think you can fix it?

Well, it's gonna take a while
to rebuild the machine,

and even longer to
recalibrate it for normal time,

but I've taken on
bigger challenges before.

I had to explain to America why
Heidi Klum broke up with Seal.

Face.

There, now you've got
a fresh new diaper, Stewie.

What are you talking about?

What's going on?

I think you're getting
a diaper change.

Aah! Get that poop-filled thing
away from me!

No! Oh, God,
it's cold!

Whew! Smells like somebody
needs a diaper change.

Damn right I do!

Now, get this turd-filled
sack off...

Oh, my God,
it just went back in my body.

Hey, look, what's
wrong with Peter?

Oh, you smell that?
He's passed out drunk.

Does no one in this house
have any dignity?

Hey, Lois, I'm home from
the Clam, and I'm horny.

Hmm. Seems like reverse
time did that kid a favor.

I'm not so sure about that.

Stand up! You're gonna
break that thermometer!

My God, it's...
it's extraordinary.

They all seem to be

completely unaware
that anything is amiss.

"Your trash barrels
were a little close

"to our driveway. Joe.

"P.S. Please close
the windows

"when you're giving
piano lessons.

My legs don't work,
but my ears do."

Brian, what are you doing
staring in Quagmire's window?

Man, watching sex
in reverse is just bizarre.

God, where does Quagmire
meet these women?

This is why Boxbuster
went out of business.

Hey, what's going on
over there?

My God, look at all
this devastation!

What the hell happened?

Okay, Seamus, today's the day

you finally ask out
that barista.

What's the worst
that could happen?

You know, that chicken's kid
is in my preschool class.

I don't really want
to be friends with him,

but he knows a lot of chicks.

And backwards rim shot.

Oh, Brian, this is gonna be
more difficult than I thought.

Damn it, I hate
these new stairs!

What are you watching?

Meet the Press;
it's really weird.

In reverse time, the Republicans
make outrageous statements

and then the host asks
an unrelated question.

Global warming is a myth.

God created everything, and
the world is getting colder!

What is your tax plan?

That's odd.

What?

Man, we got a large number
of clovers on our lawn.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, hey, Cleveland.

Australia, here I come.

Look at that, Brian.

Cleveland is back living
across the street.

Cleveland left Quahog
quite some time ago,

yet we only just recently
entered reverse time.

So what does that mean?

Well, it suggests that time may
not simply be flowing backwards;

it may, in fact,
be accelerating.

Accelerating?
Why would that be happening?

I'm not sure.

Have you ever heard
of a phenomenon

called time dilation, Brian?

Sure.
No, you haven't.

Time dilation,
in forward time,

is a phenomenon caused
by a variety of factors

in which time
moves more slowly.

In reverse time,
it stands to reason

that the same phenomenon would
cause time to accelerate.

I'll have to consult
my quantum calculations

to try to isolate the
factors responsible.

What the hell was that?

This is more intense
than when I fought a rabbit

in that karate tournament.

That's weird. You're doing
reverse cutaways now?

What the hell is...
What? What's the matter?

Dear God, I'm un-teething.

Brian, it appears the
flow of reverse time

is beginning to
affect us as well.

What does that mean?

It means I'm going to have
to relive everything.

Every painful,
awkward moment.

Like that time I forgot
what came after "G"

and had to fake it.

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G...

♪ H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P
♪ Ah-blah, blah-blah, blah-nah-wah ♪

♪ Q, R, S, T, U, V
♪ Standing here with these kids ♪

♪ W, X, Y and Z
♪ Waiting for the song to end ♪

♪ Now I know my A-B-Cs
♪ Yankee Doodle went to town

♪ Next time won't you sing with me? ♪
♪ Now I know my A-B-Cs.

What the devil is that?

It's Peter and Chris.

Sounds like they're
in trouble.

My God, why is there
vomit everywhere?

Is that the Ipecac bottle?

Oh, no.

No, please, not this.

Oh, God, it's not gonna be
coming out of us;

it's gonna be going...

Oh, dear God...

Aah! What the hell?

I don't wanna!
I don't wanna!

Dad, I'm scared.

Oh, God, this is so disgusting.

I think I'm gonna puke.

Stewie, I don't care
what it takes.

We have got to fix this.

We just ate so much vomit.

Brian, it gets worse.

Look.

Yeah, Bonnie's pregnant
with Susie. So?

That means Susie's
been un-born.

Oh, my God.

Stewie, you're not
that much older than Susie.

Brian, if we don't find a way

to push time forward again soon,

I, too, shall be un-born.

♪ You've got

♪ The AIDS.

That guy's gonna feel
so much better

after we do what we got planned.

How much time do we have
before you're un-born?

With the time acceleration,
I'm not quite sure.

But trust me, I can feel
myself getting younger.

All right.

The machine has
been repaired.

Now all I've got to do
is isolate the cause

of the acceleration curve

and see if I can
duplicate the shock wave.

What's the matter?

I've regressed to my
pre-ambulatory stage.

I can no longer walk!

My God, Stew,
you look terrible.

Brian, I suddenly feel as if

I've just been through
some sort of major trauma.

Uh-oh. I think I know
what that major trauma was.

My birth.

Dear God, I've got
to get out of here!

Oh, he's so cute.

Oh, my God, we're getting
closer to the beginning.

You're Lacey Chabert.

Oh, boy, a baby.

I saw my Spanish teacher
leave one of you in a trash can.

Brian, help!

Stewie, what do I do?

He's gorgeous, isn't he?

I want to be the baby!

Look at that head.

Well, Lois,
this kind of completes

your little carnival here.

Hey, little guy.

You ever need white,
corner-of-the-mouth stuff,

you come to your grandpa.

Stewie, this is
your new home.

Brian, help!
It's up to you.

You've got to restore
the flow of time.

My life depends on it!

What? Stewie, I don't know
how to fix that machine.

Trust me, you can do it.

You're so talented
in so many ways.

Like what?

Like... You...

Just write down however
you think you're talented,

and I'll sign it.

Well, it's up to you, buddy.

Save this marriage.

Oh, my God,
it's the greased-up deaf guy

running backwards toward
that grease truck explosion.

Oh, the grease burns so bad!

I can't hear!

Boy, I am late for that meeting.

Come on, math, you dick.

Come on, Brian.

All right, think, think.

What do I do? What do I do?

All right, could it be
as simple as this?

"Invert time flow."

Ah-ah-ah.

Ah-ah-ah.

Ah-ah-ah.

Oh, he's perfect.

11:34 a.m.

Come on, Brian, hurry.

It's a girl!

With a penis and no vagina.

No...!

I think I can hear the ocean.

Smell it, too.

All right, what do I do?

Wait a minute,
what did I do before?

That's all I have to do, right,

is duplicate the circumstances,
but do it the opposite way.

All right,
I was standing right here,

the machine was on,
I broke the glass...

and I turned the gauge backward.

Maybe if I turn it
in the other direction.

Ooh, a quarter.

Who cares what that doctor found
on my nuts?

This is a good day.

It worked.

I don't believe it. It worked.

Brian, there you are.

Where have you been?

Meg, where's Stewie?

Stewie? Who's Stewie?

Here it comes.
Push, Mrs. Griffin.

You know what?

I take it back, those panties
are gonna be in the way.

Okay, here comes the baby.

Bloody hell!

It's a boy.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, he's so beautiful.

Mrs. Griffin, your husband's
standing right here.

What should we name him?

I kind of like
Brian's name: Stewie.

That's a wonderful name, Brian.

Stewie.

Hi, Stewie.

You did it, Brian.
I've got to say,

I didn't think you were
gonna be able to pull it off,

but you did it.

You saved my life.

And for that,
I shall be forever grateful.

Hey, I couldn't imagine life
without you, buddy.

You know, I forgot what a
man cave I had in Lois's uterus.

While I was waiting for
you, I was shooting pool.

Had to hold the cue at
weird angles, but still.

Oh, Peter, isn't he amazing?

Is he smart, or is he...
like me?

He's perfect.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

You guys heard the baby

talking in there, didn't you?

Chris, that's ridiculous.