Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 5 - Joe's Revenge - full transcript

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

This just in: Wanted fugitive,
Bobby "The Shirt" Briggs,



notorious for always wearing
shirts while committing

his crimes,
has finally been caught

after 15 years on the lam.

A police spokesperson
was quoted as saying,

"Duh, I'm a dumb cop.

I like to give
Tom Tucker a ticket."

I was going, like, 41.

Oh, my God,
I don't believe it.

They finally got that
son of a bitch, Briggs.

You know that guy?

You're damn right, I do.

Bobby Briggs is the one who
put me in this wheelchair.

(crying):
They got him.

They finally got him.



Geez, Joe, you okay?

(crying)

Here, use my handkerchief.

It's wet and cold.

Well, yeah,
it's my handkerchief.

I've been blowing
my nose in it all day.

Wait a minute, Bobby Briggs
is the one who crippled you?

You always told us
you fell off a roof

during a fight with the Grinch.

(sighs) I lied.

I lied because I was ashamed
of the real story:

that I let a vicious
criminal get away.

What happened?

Well, it was 1996.

Briggs was one of the
biggest heroin dealers

east of Providence, which is
mostly just open water,

but still, I'd been undercover,
tracking his operation

for six months and had finally
gained his confidence.

I had almost
gathered enough evidence

to put Briggs away for good,

but I knew a taped confession

would make the case
a slam dunk.

This is gonna take us
to the next level.

We're gonna be banging
so many hot chicks

with jeans up to
their navels.

Bobby Briggs, you're
really good at heroin.

How much heroin
is here, Bobby Briggs?

Why are you
talking like that?

Are you wearing a wire?

Oh, you're dead,
Joe Swansonson.

My undercover name
was Swansonson.

Easy, Briggs.

You kill a cop,
they'll put you away forever.

Then get ready to spend
the rest of your life

as a lame gimp
with an annoying-voiced wife.

He'd met Bonnie.

(screaming in pain)

Briggs got away,

and I've been in this wheelchair
ever since.

I like that you
can tell me a story

starting at the Clam
and ending on a Ferris wheel.

Yeah, people
are starving in Africa,

and I'm at a carnival

with my best buddies
on a beautiful night.

Blessings. Blessings.

So, Joe, it must
feel great to finally

have some closure
with Bobby Briggs.

Yeah.

You know last night was
the first time in 15 years

I didn't strangle
Bonnie in my sleep?

Okay.

Hey, Dad, you're gonna
want to see this.

Again recapping
our breaking news,

longtime fugitive Bobby Briggs
has escaped from police custody.

His whereabouts
are currently unknown.

News of Briggs's escape
first broke on Telemundo,

if you can believe that.

Escapo!
Escapo! Escapo!

Briggs reportedly escaped
during a prison open house,

an event that will most likely
be canceled in the future.

No, no!
I can't believe it.

Oh, don't worry, Joe,
they'll get him back.

No, they won't!

It took 15 years
to catch him.

Well, this seems like a good
time to be heading out.

I should be getting back anyway.

I left Rupert with a sitter.

Well, you know
where everything is.

Feel free to help yourself
to anything in the fridge.

And Mr. Con Man here can have
pudding or ice cream, not both.

Chief, can I have a word?

Yeah, but first,
you have to agree

there's a huge
difference

between bisexual men
and homosexual men.

Sure, Chief.
Thank you. Huge.

What is it?

Well, Chief, I'm here
because I want you

to put me on the Briggs case.

Absolutely not.

Come on, Chief!

I know everything about Briggs.

I'm the only one
who can catch him.

No, Swanson, you're
too close to the case.

I'm putting Officers
Grant and Casey on it

because they're so
far from the case,

they don't care
about it at all.

Hi, Chief.
Hi.

This isn't fair!

Swanson, you know
your assignment.

You get me the guy who's
been rubbing his butt

all over Dunkin' Donuts.

Can I help you?

Not illegal. Not illegal.

Show me the law.
Not illegal.

Hey, Joe, look,
I know you're down

about this Briggs thing,
and that kind of bums me out,

so I got you
this Cookie Puss.

(laughs)
Isn't that funny?

Look at that weird nose.

I think your nose
is weird.

Guys, I'm telling you, I...

I just don't think
I could live with Briggs

on the lam for another 15 years.

Well, why don't you
do something about it?

I can't do anything about it.
The chief won't let me.

Joe, if they don't
find this guy,

it's gonna eat you alive
for the rest of your life.

You got to take matters
into your own hands.

You got to go after this guy.

But that's a breach
of police protocol.

This isn't about you
as a cop.

This is
about you as a man.

Come on, what do you say?

Quagmire and I will help you
bring this guy to justice.

(chuckles) Peter,
what did I say

about you volunteering
me for (bleep)?

All right, let's do it!

MAYOR WEST:
Well, if you're gonna do it,

you're gonna need someone
who's very good at disguise.

Who said that?

I'd love to go with you,
but I can't.

I'm supposed to be
the gift table

at a Bar Mitzvah tomorrow.

All right, if we're
gonna go after Briggs,

this might be a good
place to start.

I've spent the
last 15 years

gathering
information on him,

and it's all here.

Every crime he's committed,
every associate he's...

Oh, look, Briggs
was All-County JV swimming.

Well, I don't just
focus on the negative.

Joe, your 25-year-old son
and your baby daughter share

a room just so you can keep
a weirdo Beautiful Mind room?

Isn't that a little bizarre?

And then we dug the bullets out
of that Iraqi family's skulls

so they couldn't
be traced back to us.

MAN'S VOICE:
Today, I saw a balloon.

Briggs' FBI profile
says the only relationship

he's maintained over the years
is with a stripper named Tanya.

Tax records show
she currently works

at a club in Atlantic City.

So that's our first stop.

Is there touching
at the club?

I-I-I don't know,
Peter. Maybe.

Okay, this is good,
this is good.

I'll be sure to pack
my blamming jeans.

Hey, listen,
thanks for agreeing

to take care of Principessa
while we're gone, Lois.

It's our pleasure.

She looks like
a nice kitty.

Uh, kitty?

Lois, she is
a purebred Persian.

I can trace her lineage
to the cats kept by Cleopatra.

Just tell me what
I need to do, Glenn.

Well, first, she has
a very active bowel.

You can't be too generous
with the baby wipes.

Stroke front to back
like you would on yourself.

Otherwise, you're smashing
feces into her genitals.

Also, she's very skittish,

so you have to
touch her like this.

I'm going to touch you now.

Is that okay?

See how I'm going?

Slowly, slowly.

Oh, the mysteries
you keep inside of you.

PETER:
Quagmire, come on,
let's go.

(car engine starts)

All right, I guess we're off.

Hey, you guys,
check out the look

on Lois's face
when I do this.

(tires screech)

Peter!

Clean that up, you idiot!

Love you.

Boy, it'll be satisfying
to finally slap the cuffs

on Briggs once and for all.

Hey, you ever just drive
through a town and wonder,

"Who the hell lives here?"
All the time.

Look at this place.
I mean, what-what's going on?

There's an adult
with a lemonade stand.

That Chinese restaurant
still has the sign

from when it was a mechanic.

I don't want to eat lo mein

where they were
just changing mufflers.

There's an apartment
above that Arby's.

With toys in the window.

Someone has built
a life up there.

What a mess.

I'm telling you,
the Founding Fathers would be

very disappointed in
where their country ended up.

Eh, it wasn't so perfect
back then, either.

And so I say unto you,

sons of liberty,
no longer will free men

live under the yoke
of giant predatory birds.

Shrieking, swooping down,
stealing our livestock.

What's going on in here?

N-Nothing, uh, just
bellyaching about the British.

Get back to warming
those eggs.

(muffled music playing)

(brakes screech)

All right,
this is the place.

We got to see if we
can find Briggs's girl.

Hey, we're looking
for a stripper named Tanya.

She here tonight?

Yeah, she's working
the Champagne Room.

Follow me.

Hey, Quagmire, you, uh...

you ever been to
Atlantic City before?

Once, about 20
years ago. Why?

All right!
All right!

All right!
All right!

Hey, are you Tanya?

Yeah. Who are you?

A guy who's looking
for Bobby Briggs.

Where is he?

I don't know any Bobby Briggs.

And even if I did,
I wouldn't tell you.

You're lying!

Joe, let me handle this.

I know how to communicate
with strippers.

All I need is one dance,

and I'll know
everything she knows.

You free for a dance?

Sure.

I need information.

I was molested by my dad.

I know that.
I need other information.

I want you to tell me
where I can find Bobby Briggs.

Come on, you know
I can't give out

a client's personal
information.

All right, I'm gonna have
to do the Vulcan V-Meld.

He lives at 2820
Ocean Boulevard,

across from the park,
apartment two.

Atta girl.

Okay, now spit
in your own mouth.

This is a cool place.

Boy, it sure is nice having
Mr. Quagmire's cat around.

I got to say, cats are
so much better than dogs.

Well, that's kind of
a broad statement.
It's true.

Okay, show me one way in which
cats are better than dogs.

Well, okay, uh,
for one thing,

they always land
on their feet.

Watch.

So? Big deal.
Dogs do that, too.

Here, go ahead, do what you
just did, but with me.

Ow! Oh, my God!

Oh, my neck! Ow!

Oh, my God, Brian!

Don't touch me! Don't touch me!
Call somebody! Oh!

We need one of
those boards

they use for
football players! Ow!

Hey, what's going on?

Nothing.

I just figured out
why cats are better than babies.

Well, that's kind of
a broad statement.

Okay, 2820 Ocean,
this is it.

All right, apartment number two.

We'll just pick the lock.

What? What is that?

Let's use our eyes to see.

Aw, this guy has sugar cereals.

His mom must be so cool.

And he's got a trash compactor.

(machine clattering)

It compacted it all.

That is so boss.

Aha! We meet again, Briggs.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who are you?

Joe Swanson.

Who?

Wait, you... you
don't remember me?

I infiltrated your
heroin operation.

We saw Reality Bites
together.

(Joe groans)

You guys, I found him!

He went that way!

(grunts)

(cell phone ringing)

Damn it. That's Lois.

If I don't get this,
she's going to kill me.

(grunting)

Hi, sweetie.

Yeah, everything's great.

Of course, I miss you.

Well, how does the supermarket
run out of parsley?

I'm as angry as you are.

Peter, I'm going to fall!

It looks like
you're out of roof.

Damn it.
There's no way across.

Spidey, can you swing us
across with your web?

No, I can't
swing you across.

And it's Spider-Man,
not Spidey.

I'm pretty sure I've heard
people call you Spidey.

Yeah, close friends.

What's your name?
Peter.

Hey, Petey,
do stuff for me.

Oh, I don't like that.
Yeah, you don't like it.

And you're a fat nobody,
and I'm (bleep) Spider-Man,

so how do you
think I feel?

He's getting away.
Guys, drop me over the side!

Are you crazy, Joe?!

That fall
will kill you.

Not if I land on my legs.

(grunting)

PETER:
Heads up.

(panting)

I got you now, Briggs.

CROWD:
Move that bus!

(cheering)

(gasps)

Enjoy your new home.

He's gone, you guys!

I had him!

That was our one chance!

It's all right, Joe.

You got nothing
to be ashamed of.

You're a great cop

with a very
distinguished career.

You caught that guy
who was killing

all those
Filipino girls.

Yeah, but this was important!

This was the guy
who ruined my life.

The one perp
who meant everything to me.

If I caught this guy,

I'd finally be able
to sleep at night.

Damn it!

(siren whoops)

Oh, thank God. Cops.

Oh, good.

You guys
can still catch Briggs.

He's headed that way.

We're not here for him.

We're here for you guys.

You're under arrest
for interfering

with a police
investigation.

What?

Yeah, what the hell?

You should be out there
arresting the real criminals.

Like switchblade-wielding
white guys

from movies and TV
who don't talk like people talk.

Easy, mama.

Hand over that purse,
and everything

will be real cool,
you dig?

Guys, you got to let us
out of here.

Yeah, the bastard's
making a break for it,

just like
South America.

Hmm.

Lot of black guys over there.

Hey, man,
where you going?

I'll be back.
I'm coming back.

I'll be right back.

Why would the cops
arrest us

instead of going
after Briggs?

Flannigan?
Wait a minute.

That's one of the corrupt cops
who helped harbor Briggs

while he was on the lam
for 15 years.

These guys are bad news.

Oh, my God.

What are they
going to do to us?

We're not going to stick around
to find out.

Joe, hold your handcuffs
over my lap.

(zip)

What the hell is that?

Swiss Army penis.

(sawing)

Wow, Quagmire.
That's incredible.

Peter?

(sawing)

Yours are made
of a stronger metal.

We're going to have to go
with the acetylene torch penis.

Don't...
don't look right at it.

My STDs help it
burn brighter.

The keys are in
the ignition. Let's go!

I told you to search
that guy's penis.

You say that
about everybody.

Yeah, we did it!
But we lost Briggs.

How are we
going to find him now?

We got nothing.

Well, I don't know if
it helps, but I found

this number next to the
phone in his kitchen.

I was saving it 'cause
I was going to make

a scrapbook of the
trip for you guys.

Let me see that.

This is the area code
for Juarez, Mexico.

He's trying to get
over the border!

You think so?
Definitely.

There's only one road
into Juarez,

and it goes
through El Paso.

We got to get
to El Paso.

Joe, how do you know

the area code for
Juarez, Mexico?

There was a stem cell doctor
I went down there to see.

He just rubbed, like,
salsa on my legs.

Hey, you're not
in uniform.

Are you guys cops?

Are you guys cops?

They know we're not cops!

(tires squealing)

All right, guys,
the next flight

to El Paso leaves
in 40 minutes.

But Briggs is ahead of us.

Won't he already be there?

No, he'd never risk
going through an airport.

Too many cops,
too many cameras,

too much security.

I don't know, Joe.

Sometimes the
security's pretty lax.

I mean, the last plane
I was on got gay-jacked.

This plane's going to Miami!

(passengers gasp)

(electronic dance music playing)

Hey, Lois?

Shh. Quiet, Brian.

Mom's taking a nap
on the couch.

Yeah. And look,
she fell asleep

with the cat right
on her chest.

Isn't that cute?

(purring)

Meow.

Purr. Purr.

I think you're dreaming.

No, I'm not.

BRIAN:
Stupid cat!

God, it's so damn hot.

Hey, I got an idea.

Let's make
scalding asphalt angels.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

(sizzling)

Second-degree burns;
first-degree fun.

Geez, how long we got to
stand out here like this?

Till Briggs comes through.

You know, I was thinking
about that, Joe.

If Briggs is driving here,
that's like 2,000 miles.

It's going to be at
least a couple of days.

Huh. I guess you're right.

Well, what are we going to do
for two days in El Paso?

There's a Chicano
heritage festival.

No way.

KC and the Sunshine Band
is playing.

Why?

Or we could visit
the Pershing House

where John Pershing
took control

of the Eighth Army
Brigade in 1914.

So, that's his bed?
Yes.

So, that's his desk?
Yes.

So, that's his lamp?
Yes.

So, that's his dresser?
Yes.

So, that's his window?
Yes.

So, that's his floor?
Yes.

Wow.

What do you got
there, Quagmire?

Is that Briggs?

No, this guy's clean.

Well, send him through.
What's the holdup?

Sombreros! Maracas!

Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls!

Get 'em now, folks!

You're not going to find
this stuff in Mexico!

Come on. What's
going on up there?

Briggs.

Damn it!
He's getting away!

(grunts)

You're not going to get away
this time, you son of a bitch.

Please, don't kill me.

I'm not married.

My life is awesome.

I've waited 15 years
for this moment, Briggs.

Do you have any idea
what it's like

to have to lift yourself
into a wheelchair every morning?

To have your wife look at you
like you're half a man?

To get preferential parking?

To board a plane early
with the first-class people

and gold card members?

All right, it's not all bad.

But I'm not going to kill you.

I'm not an animal like you.

So, what are you going to do,
arrest me?

No.

I don't arrest cripples.

(groaning)

By the way, you're under arrest.

I only said that last thing
'cause it seemed cool.

Oh, my God,
that was so awesome.

I saw everything.

You were all like...
(deep mumbling)

And Briggs was all like...
(high-pitched mumbling)

And then you were all like...
(mimics two gunshots)

And then Briggs's legs
were like...

(mimics video game
sound effects)

Oh, crap, he's dead.

I think he bled out.

I must have hit
the femoral artery.

Ah, just kick him into Mexico.

Guys, I can't thank you
enough for what you did.

You risked your
lives for me,

and I couldn't have
done it without you.

Hey, that's what
pals are for.

Yeah, and thanks for letting me

fire a few rounds
into Briggs's corpse.

That was the most powerful
I've felt in a couple years.

Well, you guys helped me

finally have some closure
in my life.

I feel like a new man--
like I'm reborn.

Joe, you have blood just
pouring out of your pant leg.

Yeah, I had a ball
blow in the river.