Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 3 - The Old Man and the Big 'C' - full transcript

Brian and Stewie learn that Carter Pewterschmidt's company has developed a cure for cancer, but is keeping it from the public.

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

Boy, what a great day
for a baseball game.

Yeah, and these
are the best seats



in the house
for catching home run balls.

Aw, that'd be sweet.

The only souvenir I ever got was
at that stock car race.

All right,
I got the guy!

I got the guy.

Man, I hate
the Yankees.

Yeah! You are all villains
to me

because I happen to live in this
region of the country. Yeah!

(crowd cheering)

What's going on?
Did I miss something?

Nah, just some idiot streaking
across the field.

Ha ha. You're all looking
at my penis.

You didn't plan on it,
but it's happening.

Oh, cool. Two
spots opened up.



You, uh-- y-you go ahead.

I can wait. I might--
I might wait for a stall.

Oh, come on, Peter.

We're missing the game.

(unzipping)

Hey. Hi.

Hey.

PETER: Damn it.
He already started.

If I don't start peeing soon,
it's gonna be weird.

He'll be all done,
and I'll still be here.

Come on, Peter. Pee.

Your dad fought
in World War II,

and you can't even pee
in a urinal?

What the hell's
wrong with you?

All set?
Yup.

(zipping)

I know you didn't go.

I'm'a go pee
in a stairwell.

STADIUM ANNOUNCER: Now batting
for the Red Sox,

number 34, David Ortiz.

Come on, Big Papi!

(crack of bat, crowd cheering)

It's coming straight for us!

I got it, I got it!

Mine! I got it!
It's my ball

Damn it, Brian!
That came to me!

That's my ball!

(wind whistling)
What?

Holy crap!

(crowd murmuring)
(gasps)

(crowd laughing hysterically)

(slowly increasing
horrified scream)

Wow, I guess
all this time,

Quagmire should've
been saying "wiggity."

Ha!
No, but he's
our friend.

TV ANNOUNCER: And now it's time

for
the Channel Five Sports Report

brought to you by Kia.

Kia: Too bad it's a Kia.

A big day at Fenway today,

as the Red Sox bested
the Yankees seven to six.

But what really
has everyone talking

is the fan who lost his toupee
at the game.

The hilarious video already has

over two million views
on YouTube.

Comments ranged from sympathy
all the way to racial slurs

directed at others
who chose to comment.

Great, I'm a
laughingstock.

What do I do?

Come on, Quagmire.
It's not so bad.

You could kill yourself.

Well, it's just a thought,

but have you ever considered
just embracing your baldness?

Yeah, Brian's right.

You know, there's lots of
big Hollywood celebrities

who have gone bald with dignity.

John Travolta, David Spade,
Nicolas Cage, Jeremy Piven...

And besides,
don't you think

you'll be happier just
being who you really are?

(sighing): Maybe you're
right. What the hell.

I mean, wh-what other choice do
I have at this point?

Everybody knows
now anyway.

Great.
Trust me.

Nobody's gonna give
you a hard time.

And even if they do,
just ignore them.

That's what I do
with that weekend bully.

Hey, your weekend sucks!

I've already
gone on a hike

and fixed a few things
around my house!

What are you doing?!

Peter, who is that man?

I don't want to talk
about it.

Dad, there's a weird bald guy
out in front of our house.

Ah, that's just Quagmire.

He's acting all different
now that he's bald.

I'll go talk to him.

Hey, slow down!

Drive like hell,
you'll get there!

Quagmire, what the
hell are you doing?

I'm just letting
all these hot-rodders know

that this is a neighborhood,
not a speedway track.

Too fast, too fast!

Our children should not have
to live in fear!

Okay, well, how come
you're not doing this

in front of your own house?

Oh, my ham radio interferes
with the radar gun.

Talked to a fella in Papua
New Guinea last night.

You should come by sometime
and join in the fun.

VOICE ON RADIO: Hello?

H-Hello?

Are you bald?
(static crackles)

Yeah.

Can I help you?

Well, I hope you can, Sharon.

I'd just like to return this
VHS copy of Pete's Dragon.

Watched, enjoyed
and rewound.

Uh, there are a lot
of people waiting.

Is there anything else?

Uh, yes. Do you have
a garbage can back there?

I have the backings
to some Fruit Roll-Ups
I need to discard.

I'm sorry. That's for
library trash only.

I understand.
That's okay.

I'll just hold on to these
for the rest of the day.

It ain't easy
bein' green, huh?
(weak chuckle)

That's from a song.

Is that all?

Yeah. Is there
an age restriction

for the sleight-of-hand
magic show this afternoon?

Twelve.
Ooh.

Maybe I'll just stand
in the hallway and look in.

Now, we all saw you put
your card back in the deck.

So, how did it end up...
in your shirt pocket?

Oh, my God,
how did he
do that?

Oh, no, there's Quagmire.

He's been so
weird lately.

You notice now
that he's bald,

whenever he thinks
about something, he
scratches his wrist?

Hey, Quagmire,
we got a pitcher.

You want a beer?

I was planning on looking
at pictures of birds later,

and I don't want to be all
fuzzy-headed for that.

Listen, Quagmire,
we hate you now.

Yeah, you used to be fun.

Yeah, now you're always either
preparing for a colonoscopy

or just coming back
from a colonoscopy.

The (bleep) going on
down there?

Well, that's what we're
trying to figure out.

Come on, we want
our buddy back.

I'm not putting that
toupee on again, Peter.

So... I-I'm not sure
what you want me to do.

You could get
a hair transplant.

Oh, yeah. Like one of
those guys pretending
to get out of the pool.

That looks all right.

Yeah, come on, Quagmire.
Get the hair transplant.

Come back to us.

You're right.
This isn't me.

Baldness is for women's
crotches, not men's heads.

There you go,
that's pretty gross.

Yeah, that's the spirit,
Quagmire.

Oh, boy, listen, thanks
for putting up with me

the last couple weeks.
Hey, no problem.

You put up with me
when I was barefoot guy.

Boy, nothing like a beer
with the fellas, eh?

Peter, would you mind
putting on some shoes?

Oh, you mean
foot prisons?

Yes, I would.

Glenn Quagmire?

Why does that name
sound familiar?

Oh, yeah, I treated
you for butt flu.

Hey, you want
to keep it down?

Easy now. That's
my privilege

as a doctor to talk
about that stuff.

How's it going,
Dr. Kamada?

Bob!

Mattaaayy.

Oh, hiya, Rachael.

Oh, hey, Dr. Geller.

Sarah.

Jim.

Merianna.

Geez, Joe.

Yeah, I come here a lot.

All right, I'm gonna
hit the john.

Good. Me and Joe can stay here
and tell secrets.

I'm wearing my dead
grandmother's panties.

DOCTOR: I'm sorry
to have to tell you this,

Mr. Pewterschmidt,
but the cancer is terminal.

If you're lucky,
you've got two weeks to live.

I understand.

Oh, my God!

Carter's dying?!

I now declare this
hair transplant
officially over!

(fires gun)

Hey, hey, hey!

He's back!

You look great,
Quagmire.

(pager beeping)

Oh, my God.
One of my patients
on Two has been shot.

Hey, Stewie.

Um, hey, what's up?

Were you-- were you just
looking at Rollerblades?

What? No.
Yeah, who cares?

What do you want?

Listen, I was at the hospital
earlier,

and I heard something
I wish I hadn't.

Oh, please do not tell me
it was a sexist remark,

because... because
that is not okay.

You know, those nurses
are busting their asses,

weighing people and
seeing how tall they are.

Stewie, I heard a doctor tell
Carter he has two weeks to live.

What? Are you sure?

I saw it with my own eyes.

I gotta check this out.

Oh, my God, you're right!

He looks awful.

(beeping)

Wait, how are
we seeing this?

Oh, I've got a nanny cam
hidden inside his house.

Watching him nail his
cleaning woman is how
I'm learning Spanish.

Although I'm not sure what
the Spanish word "no" means,

because it doesn't seem to mean
the same thing as it does here.

And the worst part is, I don't
think Lois even knows he's sick.

Oh, this is going
to destroy her!

Oh, just thinking about
it makes me all giddy.

Like a group of women
ordering dessert.

And then we
have a chocolate,
chocolate cake

that's infused
with chocolate served
with chocolate ice cream

and a molten
chocolate topping.

We'll have one of those
with four spoons.

More like four of those
with one spoon for me!

(continuous, staccato,
giddy laughter)

Oh, hi, Brian.

Hey, Lois.

Listen, I have something
I need to tell you, but...

it might be difficult for you
to hear.

What is it?

Lois...

I think your father is dying.

What?!
(flashbulb pops)

Ha!

Brian, what are you
talking about?

Well, yesterday at the hospital,

I heard a doctor tell him
he has cancer...

and that he has
two weeks to live.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Daddy!

Yeah, I feel really
horrible for you,

and I hate to do this,

but I'm trying to
catch a 4:50 movie,

and it's, like, 4:40 now, and,
so, if I'm going to make it,

I have to leave,
like, now.

Yeah, this-this stinks,

but I've already
blown this guy off,
like, twice, so...

I've been trying to call
my parents all day,

and I can't get
ahold of them.

I'll tell ya, this
obituary came out great.

"Carter Pewterschmidt died
today of the disease cancer.

"In lieu of flowers,
please send

carnival rides to Peter Griffin
at 31 Spooner Street."

If we get just one
ride out of this,

it will have
been a success.

Lois?

Wh-What are you
doing here?

Mom, I've been trying
to get ahold of you.

Is Daddy okay?
Where is he?

Oh, he's fine, dear.

But now's not
a good time.

He's very busy.

Look, I know
something's going on.

I want to see him.

Daddy?!

Well, look who's here!

Daddy! You're okay!

Of course I'm okay!
Why wouldn't I be?

Well, Brian said
you were dying!

And I finished a book!

I promised myself
I'd work that in.

I-It's-- I might've
jumped the gun.

I didn't finish it.

I'm so glad
you're all right.

Brian, how could you get us
all worked up like that?!

Yeah, shame on you!

Oh, you're gonna
get it, Brian.

You are gonna get it
when I drink.

What the hell's going on?

Last night,
Carter was on
his deathbed,

and now he looks better
than he ever did.

Well, they say laughter
is the best medicine.

Maybe he went to a
comedy club or something.

(audience laughing)

In my neighborhood,

we didn't have no Kool-Aid.

We had food colorin' and water.

Mama used to call it
"Fool-Aid."

(laughter)
CARTER: No, I don't get that.

And everybody had an Uncle Earl.

You know, that uncle
that sit around in the house

all day in his underdrawers,
saying he "between" jobs.

To be between jobs,

you had to have had a job
in the first place!

CARTER:
That's accurate!

And Earl got that cell phone.

He on the Sprint plan.

When the bill come, he sprint.

CARTER: Yes! So many of them
are delinquent in payment.

Rupert, move your legs.

I can see your balls.

Stewie, this is
going to sound crazy,

but I have a theory about
what's going on with Carter.

Really? What is it?

Well, think about it.

If Carter Pewterschmidt,

the dynamic chairman of
Pewterschmidt Industries,

were to fall ill
or even die,

the stock price
would plummet.

I don't want you to think
I'm not listening,

but when's Christmas?
Not for a while.

But what I'm saying is,
I think Carter is sick

or possibly even dead,
and that the man we saw today

was an imposter
brought in to keep

Pewterschmidt Industries'
stock price up

and to keep people
from knowing the truth.

Boy, you are just
going to keep on talking

with that poppy seed
stuck in your teeth, aren't you?

Anyway, what are you
suggesting?

We can follow him, see
if he's really Carter.

Okay, but I got to be
home by 7:00.

I'm supposed to talk
to the police

about that shooting
I witnessed.

Good Lord, are
you all right?

If I die,

leave two dollars
worth of flowers right here.

Here's my fourth grade
class photo.

Lean it against
a cheap candle.

Well, should I call
an ambulance?

No. Call Channel Nine.

And have a gap-toothed
woman say, quote,

"He never bothered nobody."

Okay, if this guy is an
imposter, he's going to have

to do everything
Carter normally does.

We just have to wait
and see if he slips up.

All right,
here he comes now.

All right, Stu, now,
if we can just...

No.
What?

You know what you did.

Hey, wait a minute.

If this is an imposter,

then this guy we're following
never had cancer.

Yeah, so?

Well, you're a dog.
Can't you just sniff cancer?

No, that's just a
myth we started

so we could stick our
snouts in girls' boobs.

It's nice to have a
clean bill of health.

Well, for now.

The key is
weekly follow-ups.

You know, cervical cancer
is also a problem.

My boyfriend thinks he
might have prostate cancer.

Nope, doesn't.

Okay, now we've got him.

The real Carter would
never go to a Starbucks.

He thinks they're too
liberal and pretentious.

Coffee for Brent.

(snickering)

Latte for Cecil.

(snickering)

Beanie?

(laughs) None of those
people are real.

I'm stealing all your
sugar packets and napkins.

Woodstock's over, (bleep).

Wow. You certainly
look a lot better

than that walking corpse
I saw last week.

Well, no one's ever
going to see that again,

I can promise you that.

I can't stress how
important it is

our secret be kept
from the public.

I understand, sir.

And I assure you
that Specimen Z

is secure on level 12.

That "walking corpse" was
Carter dying of cancer.

This guy is an imposter.

Oh, my God.

And I bet Specimen Z
is the real Carter's body.

You two didn't
hear that, did you?

BRIAN:
Hey, buddy, we're...

we're just trying to
read the paper here.

I'll have you fired
for talking to me like that.

I don't work here.

Then I'll have you killed.
I want to die.

I hated that guy back there.

Okay, this is level 12.

There's the lab.

Let's get in there
and find Carter's body.

Oh, crap, there's a keypad.

All right, we're just
going to have to try

and figure out the code.

When's his birthday?

I think it's in March.

Stewie, are you crazy?

That's so loud.
The guards will hear.

Don't worry
about it, Bri...

MAN: Hey, what's
going on down there?

Nothing.

All right.

All right, now,
where would they keep

a dead body
in a pharmaceutical lab?

(gasps) Brian, look.

That's it.
I bet he's in there.

Oh, my God.

Specimen Z isn't Carter's body.

What is it?

Specimen Z is a
cure for cancer.

Carter didn't die.
He cured himself.

CARTER:
Hold it right there.
(both gasp)

Damn it, Brian.
You broke into my lab.

And you didn't wear a suit.

Hey, why didn't he
have to wear a suit?

See what you've started now?

Carter, you've found
a cure for cancer?

Well, I didn't come up with it.

A couple of eggheads
I hired did.

One of them's a Chinese.

Boy, I don't like those people.

But holy crap, wind 'em up
and watch 'em go.

How long have you had this?

I don't know.
When... when was that

"Who Let the Dogs Out?" song?

You've had this since 1999?

You know when "Who Let
the Dogs Out?" came out?

It's a song about dogs
and letting them out.

I could have you arrested
for breaking in here.

Carter, you've discovered the
holy grail of modern medicine.

Why the hell would you
keep it buried like this?

I'll tell you why.

Because there's
far more money to be made

in treating a disease
than in curing it.

Why cure someone
of cancer in a day

if we can treat them
for a lifetime

and bill them
every step along the way?

What? That's insane.

Brian, it's so cold in here,
look how big my nips are.

They're almost like a woman's.

Oh, look, I'm tugging at 'em
and they're getting even bigger.

Carter, what you're
doing here is criminal,

and I'm going to tell the
whole world about it.

Is that right?
Who's going to believe you?

The Internet?

You'll be just another nut-job,
left-wing blogger.

Security!

MAN:
Everything's fine.

No, it isn't. Get in here.

Ah! Damn it! You bastards.

I don't know why you're
surprised by this, Brian.

Big corporations
never tell the truth.

Look at the
Kleenex industry.

Well, we had another
good quarter.

I guess a lot of people
are sneezing out there.

Jerry, I'm going to let you
in on something,

and it can't
leave this room.

Our research shows

the primary use
of our product is sperm.

What?

Yeah, and brace
yourself for this.

The second biggest use
is women crying about nonsense.

But I thought
sneezing was...

Jerry, Jerry,
it's sperm and nonsense.

I can't believe Carter

would sacrifice
millions of lives

just to protect
corporate profits.

Well, don't be too upset.

Old Stewie here snagged

a little souvenir
on his way out.

Oh, my God, Stewie.

You got the cancer cure.

How'd you manage to steal it?

Oh, it was easy--
I just took it

while you guys
were yammering on.

I swear, I felt
like I was waiting

for Lois to get
off the phone.

Well, that is amazing.

All right, Bonnie.

Well, it was good
talking to you.

No way. She did?

When did she say that?

You know what?

That doesn't surprise me.
That's how she is.

Okay, then. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

All right,
I'll see you Tuesday.

Oh, no. What happened?

(gasps) That's terrible.

Oh, my God, just awful.

Well, you
give them my best.

Okay, I got to go.

Stewie and I are headed
out to the beach.

Oh, I didn't tell you?

He's learning to swim.

Oh, I got him
the cutest swim trunks.

At Kohl's.

You've never
been to Kohl's?

Well, let me tell you
about Kohl's.

(sighs)

All right, well, you know
the mall with the Chili's?

It's across the street.

(gunshot, Bonnie shrieks)

Bonnie?
Bonnie, are you there?

What happened?
STEWIE:
Let's go!

Oh, there you two are.

Lois, there's
something incredible

I have to tell you.

And there's
something incredible

I have to show you.

I learned how to
do a somersault.

Did I do it?

There he is.

Crap.

Daddy? What's going on here?

Brian here has stolen something
very important from me.

Give it to me, Brian.

Lois, your father
has a cure for cancer,

but he won't release it
because it's not profitable.

So I stole it.

Daddy, is this true?

Yeah. So what?

So I found the cure for cancer
and didn't announce it.

Big deal.
I also took a dump today

and didn't issue
a press release.

Oh, that's interesting,
because I did.

Good for Peter.

It's about time the media
covered something positive.

Daddy, you're the chairman
of a billion dollar company.

You've got more
money than anyone

could ever spend
in one lifetime.

Are you challenging me
to a Brewster's Millions?

Is money all that
you care about?

What if somebody close
to you got cancer?

What if... what if the
maid who raised you

'cause your parents were too
wealthy and busy got cancer?

You mean Mamie?

Yeah.
What if Mamie got cancer?

Mamie's not getting cancer!

Or how about one of us?

What if I got cancer
or, God forbid,

one of your grandchildren?

For once in your life,
do the right thing.

All right, pumpkin.

I'll do it.

I'll do it for you.

You will? You promise?

Yes.

I'll make the
announcement tomorrow.

Oh, Daddy.

Thank you so much.

You're my hero.

Oh, that's her father?

Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story:
a big announcement

out of Pewterschmidt
Pharmaceuticals today.

Company chairman
Carter Pewterschmidt

released a statement
announcing the launch

of a deodorant
for the developmentally disabled

called Slow Stick.

It's also edible because,
you know, those people...

don't, uh... don't know...

And now sports.

That's it?
What the hell?

Where's the cancer
cure announcement?

That son of a bitch
went back on his word.

CARTER:
Hello.

Daddy, we're all sitting here
in front of the TV

awaiting the big announcement.

Remember the one that's
going to benefit all mankind?

The one you promised to make
for me, your daughter?

I lied.
(line clicks)

Lois, you can't
stay mad at him.

He's rich and successful.

It doesn't excuse
what he did.

It'll be fine.

He'll just do
a magazine cover

with a wink to who he is,
and all will be forgiven.

Oh, Daddy.
I know. If he's such a bad
guy, why's he on a magazine?