Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 22 - No Country Club for Old Men - full transcript

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

Hey, Brian,
have you seen the remote?

I want to watch
The Weather Channel.



There are tornados
in the Midwest,

and l like watching
poor people scramble

to save
what little they have.

Uh, l don't know
where the remote is.

All right,
I'Il find it myself.

Oh, my God, my old harmonica!

I'm gonna play this
really loud tonight

to get back
at our Armenian neighbors.

Hey.

Hey, looks like
a fun party.

Um, hey, listen, it's
2:00 in the morning.

Uh, when is your five-year-old
gonna go to sleep?

Soon, very soon.

You want weird food
wrapped in weird leaves?



Yeah, look, l'm guessing
there's some kind of

soccer match from your
home country going on,

and l get that, l do.

But, uh, some of us
are trying to sleep,

and l could almost
deal with the noise,

but it's the
cologne, all right?

I can smell it in my bed, and
I live two houses from here.

That's how powerful
it is, okay?

That's how powerful it is.

You like it?

Yeah, l kind
of like it.

Okay, so l know
you're a harmonica,

but right now
you're a 40-year-old woman

with a good body
in a hotel pool.

Hey, everybody, look at me.

I work out seven days a week
for these five minutes.

Your attention
is going to keeme

from swallowing
a bottle of pills.

LOIS
Hey, everyone, l made brownies!

I better hurry up.

I'm gonna miss the show.

What did l do?

What did l do?

I love brownie day.

Hey, so, uh,

I'm digging a hole
under the fence in the backyard.

Brian, you have a car.

You don't have to escape.

Just don't
say anything, okay?

Oh, you know what, hang on, l
left my harmonica in the tub.

I think Peter's in there
taking a bath.

Aah! Son of a bitch!

What the hell did
I just sit on?

Where is it?
Where's my harmonica?

Peter, have you seen
Stewie's harmonica?

It was in the tub.

Oh, my God, it
was in the tub,

and now it's
in my butt!

No!

Stewie, Daddy needs
your tiny hands

for a very
special project.

Well, good heavens, that's
something, isn't it?

By the way, Mr. Griffin,
regarding your X-rays,

we're making a
coffee table book.

Can you sign this
release, please?

Okay, but first can we address
my husband's situation?

Well, the harmonica's
uthere pretty good.

Unfortunately, removing
it would require

a very expensive surgery

that's not covered by your
T.G.l. Friday's gift card.

What was that?
I don't know,

but suddenly it smells
like John Popper in here.

That was me.
I got musical farts.

Holy crap, this is awesome.

I will not allow
this opportunity

to go to waste.

Hey, Lois, how
was your day?

Terrible. l accidentally
backed over a kid

in the grocery store
parking lot.

Peter, l'm serious.

I ran right over
the soft part of the face.

I had to run away.

I ditched the car
and jumped on a passing train.

I was so scared.

I didn't get off
until l was in the South.

What'd you do today?

I pushed a boy
behind your car

so l could do all
this harmonica stuff.

Meg loves to listen
to music when she sleeps.

Let's see how she likes this.

Uh, Dad, l don't think
that's how it works.

This had nothing to do
with the harmonica.

Everybody, brace yourselves,
'cause l have got big news.

I have been selected
to be a contestant

on America's Got Talent!

And they're gonna fly us all
to America for the show!

What?! Oh, my God!

Finally, we make'a da dreams

come true in America!

I am gonna make
this family proud,

and not just you guys,

but that old painting
of my ancestor in the attic.

I did it! l'm
gonna be on TV!

Did you kill the others?

I shan't!
You must.

I'm gonna go talk to
the statue in the basement.

Did you kill
the painting?

This place is a nuthouse.

Yo, welcome back
to America's Got Talent!

Let's welcome
our next performer,

here to play the harmonica,
Peter Griffin.

Hi.

So, where are you from, Peter?

Urn, l'm from
Quahog, Rhode Island.

Quahog!

That's my family.

My wife daytime drinks
on vacation.

Okay, Peter,
let's hear what you've got.

Wow, he's nailing it.

I know, shut up.

Well, there goes
my music career.

I wonder if l can get
my old job back

painting kids' faces
at birthday parties.

There you go, Timmy.

Sir, you're gonna have
to leave.

You're just drawing penises
with a Sharpie

on children's faces.

I don't know how
to draw a cat.

Hi, l'm Amanda.

I'm Chris.
You look nice,

so l'Il blow my burps
the other way.

You're funny.

Oh, thanks.

Usually people
just find me awkward.

I have a hard time
with small talk.

Did you find everything
you were looking for?

Eh, l did all right

for a guy who just had his
first homosexual experience

with his guitar teacher.

All right, guys,
keean eye out for our stuff.

I got tired of not being able
to find my bags,

so l tied a vaguely
Hanna-Barbera-looking

character to it.

This triwas imposserous!

There we go.

I really enjoyed sitting next
to you on the plane, Chris.

Me, too.

I'm sorry l screamed

when that guy from India
got uto stretch.

Look, l'm having brunch
tomorrow with my grandparents

at the Barrington
Country Club.

Maybe your family
could join us.

Okay, that sounds like fun.

Oh, my God.

Chris is dating
a Barrington.

Who are the
Barringtons?

They're the richest family
in all of Rhode Island.

I must notify GossiGirl!

"Pass this along
to GossiGirl."

It's me. l'm GossiGirl.

I still can't believe Chris
is dating a Barrington.

They own this whole club.

Yeah, look at
all this luxury.

It's like being in
a gay guy's dream.

Enjoying the view?

It's glorious, Edwin.

Would you like
another salad bowl

of chocolate-covered oysters?

Is that gay enough?

And then some.

This has been the gayest
vacation l've ever had.

I love smelling me
on your breath.

Peter, what are
you doing here?

You're not a member!

And that means me
and the other jocks

get to throw you
in the pool.

Hey, Banks, Duffy,
get over here!

This guy's going
for a swim.

Grab him!

All right,
you're kind of heavy,

so-so-so
we're gonna pee on you.

Not happening-

All right, all right,
we'Il just spit on you.

Oh, nothing we have works.

Daddy, we're here to have
brunch with the Barringtons.

The Barringtons?!
How is that possible?

That family is the pinnacle
of high society.

They-they haven't worked
in eight generations.

All the kids have drug problems.

Most of them have O.D.'d.

That's terrible.

Well, not all kids
make it, Lois.

Just ask the
Sugar Smacks frog.

I'm sorry, l'm afraid
you've lost two more.

What should we do
about the graves?

Dig 'em.

You look really
handsome today, Chris.

Thanks, Amanda.

Hey, Chris, say it.

I use Stewart Griffin
Facial Cleanser.

Try some.

Give her
the Web site.

No, no, no,
th-th-that's something else.

Hey, listen,
Mr. Barrington,

y-your granddaughter
ain't no tease, right?

'Cause Chris really
wants to get in there.

Oh, you're a funny guy,
Griffin.

I like that.

Oh, well, you should hear
my prank phone calls.

Hey,
is your refrigerator running?

Yes, it is.

Are your doors unlocked?

What? Why?

I don't know, they all
kind of look the same.

What do you mean "they
all look the same"?

Hey, there's all
my favorite people!

Oh, no, not this suck-up.

What are we talking about?

Black people? Mexicans?

Jews?

So good to see you,
Barrington.

Hey, hey, where we going today,
Reginald?

Huh? Huh?
Where we going today?

You and me is pals,
ain't we, Reginald?

Pewterschmidt,
settle down!

I was having a nice
conversation with Peter.

Uh, Peter, why don't you tell me
more about your job.

You said you like
to drink at work?

I do.
Oh, me, too!

Me, too.
I'Il drink anything.

Even that hollandaise sauce.
Give me that.

Hey, Brian,
Meg's Benedict.

Oh, God.
Ho, ho, ho.

Stop. Stop.

Stop.
I'm sorry l even said it.

I'm so...
It was a mistake.

It was a mistake.
I'm sorry l said it.

Peter, why don't you
and l grab some air, huh?

Daddy, you're making a
fool out of yourself.

Why are you
acting like this?

Look, l've been
trying to get

into Reginald Barrington's
inner circle for years.

They've been
the most elite family

in this country
ever since it was founded.

They were the ones who invented
the buckle on the hat.

Hey, l like
your zipper hat.

I like your zipper hat.

Morning, fellas.

Oh, that's gonna
be a game changer.

Do you hunt, Peter?

Well, l went to three
stores to find this shirt.

Peter, you-you've got moxie.

I like that.

Hey, l've got moxie, too!
Watch this!

Carmen Miranda,
Carmen Miranda P

Was she a singer?

Was she a dancer?

Nobody knows

They just remember
the fruit. P

Pewterschmidt,
you imbecile!

You think that's funny,
wasting fruit?

There are people dying
in hilarious places.

That is it!

You are officially
kicked out of this club!

What?

Griffin,
we just had an opening.

Congratulations,
you are now a member.

Oh, my God, really?

And to think,
yesterday l was just a guy

at home eating catnip.

Excuse me, Mr. Pewterschmidt,

but you're no longer
a member at this club.

Don't worry,
he's my guest.

Now, look, Peter,

j-just because you're
a member now and l'm your guest,

that doesn't mean things are
gonna change between us, right?

No, no, of course not.

Excuse me a
moment, Carter.

Hey, guys, l just bumped into
Carter Pewterschmidt outside.

What a loser, huh?

Okay, when he
wasn't looking,

I stuck a springy
snake in his wallet.

What? Aah!

And l switched out
one of his eyeballs

for a gag
exploding eyeball.

What? That's impossib...

Aah!

And then l paid a
couple of Mexicans

to run over him
with their car.

I hope they don't just take
the money and skitown.

Okay, you ready
for some polo?

All right,
this is more like it.

Where's Buttercup?

Oh, only members
can ride Buttercup.

Guests have to ride Topsy
the Roid Rage Horse.

Now, whatever you do,
don't say his trigger word.

What? Aah! That's
his trigger word!

Don't yell! His parents
were slaughtered by yellers.

Just submit.

I am submitting!
It's getting worse!

No, l mean really submit.

Okay, okay!

Oh, my God,
I meant say you're sorry,

not take off your pants.

Carter, what are you doing?
Oh, my God!

And now that l've made you aware
of the misunderstanding,

you're still continuing with it.

Oh, my God!
And l'm still watching.

What's wrong with me?

Oh, my God!

We now return
to Game of Thrones on BET.

I got a big-ass coat,
chair to sit in,

chalice cuof wine
and a midget,

but l ain't going out there

with all them monsters
out there!

Daddy, what
happened to you?

I can't live
without the country club.

You did this, Peter!

This is all your fault!

I like your hair.
Well, Daddy,

you've been treating
Peter like dirt for years.

It's-it's choppier;
it's more texturized.

Did you go to the Asian
guy with the one name?

Well, now that you
know how it feels,

maybe you want to
give him an apology.

You went to Taki,
didn't you?

Look, Peter, l'm sorry
for the way l treated you,

but is there anything you can do
to get me back in the club?

Well, l suppose l could
talk to Barrington.

Really? Oh, Peter,

you don't know
what this means to me.

Oh, you know, l was so desperate
there for a while,

I even tried a Jewish club.

Oh, you don't want
to get involved

with them
religious groups.

They believe in all
kinds of weird stuff.

If l believe
in Jesus hard enough,

I will not die.

If l believe
in Snake Jesus hard enough,

he will die.

If l believe
in Tree Jesus hard enough,

both of them will die.

Yay! Thank you, Tree Jesus!

Hey, Mr. Barrington.

Oh, hello, Peter.

I'm so glad you're here.

We're shooting bald guys
under five-seven today.

Hey, there's the guy

who denied
my health insurance claim.

Sir, your nipples are fine!

You don't need
to reconstruct them!

I want Hershey Kiss nipples,
and l want you to pay for them!

Look, Mr. B.,
if it's okay with you,

I'd like to give
my membershiback to Carter.

I'm sorry, Peter, but
I just don't think

Pewterschmidt is
country club material.

Now if you'Il excuse me,

I'm about to shoot
Michael Stipe.

Is that...

Is that him
in the corner?

Yes, that is him
in the corner.

Is that him
in the spotlight?

Would you...
Oh, damn it!

Now he got away!

Oh, no...
I said too much?

I want you
out of here!

Look, Mr. Barrington,
he's my father-in-law.

So if he goes, l go.

Fine, l don't care.

Your low-brow antics no
longer amuse me, Griffin.

You're both out
of the club.

Well, l guess that's it then.

Oh, there is one
more thing, actually.

Can you talk to that
angry little boy

down by the river bank?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Hey, what's eating you?

Grown-ups.

Yeah, grown-ups suck.

Why do they get to make
all the rules?

I know it seems
unfair, but, hey,

there ain't no rules
in a tickle fight.

Stop!

You're tickling!

Timmy, there you are!

Who the
are you?!

Get away from our son!

But Mr. Barrington
told me to...

Who's Mr. Barrington?

From the club.
What club?

You're in a lot
of trouble, mister.

I'm sorry l got us both
kicked out, Carter.

I was just trying
to helyou out.

Mr. Barrington told me
I couldn't see Amanda anymore.

We never even got
a chance to have sex.

Everyone knows rich, Waspy girls
are the best at it.

I'm really gonna miss that club.

You know what part
I liked the most?

Walking around
the locker room naked

and offering people sections
of a tiny clementine.

Clementine?

Oh, thank you.

Clementine?

None for
me, thanks.

Clementine?

Yes, thank you.

Clementine?
Yeah, l'Il have one.

Ooh, softly.
Sorry.

Yes, l'Il have one.

There you go.

God, it's good
to be old and nude.

Look, Carter,
you can't be that surprised.

I mean,
it's just human nature

to suck uto the people
above you,

craon those beneath you
and undercut your equals.

Well, then we just
got to figure out a way

to make you fancier
than Barrington,

so he's got
to suck uto you.

I don't know, Peter.

That'd be pretty
tough to pull off.

We just got to be bold.

Like those
backwards-knee birds.

Oh, what? What?

Oh, what? What are
you looking at?

Oh, you coming for me?

No, no, l'Il just take

a big backward-knee step
in the opposite direction.

Yeah, yeah, you think
I'm afraid of you?

I slept on your back
last night, you.

Yes, l'Il have
the filet mignon,

and they can start
the sunset now.

Someone important
must be arriving

because they're making
a big entrance.

Announcing the arrival
of His and His Majesty,

the exceedingly wealthy
and very important

Viscount James Earl
Tennis Racquet,

and Duke of
Lacrosse Team.

Hello, l'm Reginald
Barrington.

Where are you fine
gentlemen from?

We are European,

from the United
Coloreds of Benetton.

But you don't sound
like you're from Europe.

Is that so?

Well, perhaps l should take
my thong elsewhere.

Well, let's
not be hasty.

Your Majesty, won't
you please join me

as my personal guests
in the Barrington Room?

The Barrington Room?!

Peter, that's the most exclusive
room in all of New England.

Yeah, l hear it's even
harder to get in there

than the University
of Arizona.

Well, it's beating.

Welcome to the Wildcats.

This is the
Barrington Room.

Have a seat in
the deepest,

most luxurious leather chair
in the world.

Oh, that's nice.

Sir, may l offer you
a shoe drink?

Why, yes, that'd
be lovely.

Ah, the finer things.

So, what brings
you gentlemen to town?

We're here on business.

In fact, we just
came from a meeting

with the venerable
Carter Pewterschmidt.

Outstanding man.

Really? Yeah, well,

he used to be a member here,
but he was very annoying.

Oh, my, that's-that's
surprising.

L-I've heard he has quite
the blue-blood pedigree.

You know, he got a
piece of Jackie Kennedy

before she was defiled by
that hairy olive-eater.

Yeah, and-and
he once made me

a grilled cheese
sandwich after this.

Well, l wasn't sure
about Pewterschmidt,

but after hearing
you gentlemen talk,

maybe l could give him
another chance.

Really?
Oh, wow!

That's great news,
Carter. You're back in!

Hey, let's get a
couple of girls

and have seventh-grade-in-
the-same-room-make-outs.

"Carter"? Wait a minute.

You're not
Duke of Lacrosse Team!

And you're not Viscount
James Earl Tennis Racquet!

Security!

Come throw these frauds
out of my club!

Damn it, Peter,
you blew it!

I knew l
couldn't depend on you!

You're not worthy to lick
my designer shoes,

you fat, low-life slob!

But, Carter, please!

Here, skithis rope and do
a lively schoolgirl chant.

But, Carter, l don't know
any city girl rhymes.

Do it!

Lettuce,
carrots, peppers and peas.

Your mother says to
got to have these.

Now do it double time
with new vegetables!

Cabbage, taters,
spinach and peas.

You already said "peas"!

I don't know any
more vegetables.

Wait a second,
hang on there.

The way you abused
that man just now,

the way you treated
your lesser-

I underestimated you,
Pewterschmidt.

I thought you were just
some suck-uloser,

but you have shown me

that you've got the mettle
to be one of us.

You are back in the club.

Oh, thank you,
Mr. Barrington!

Yes. Now, l believe
there is just one last piece

of unfinished business
to take care of here.

I'm sorry, but the Viscount
James Earl Tennis Racquet

and Duke of Lacrosse Team
already arrived two hours ago.

But that's impossible!

Peter, l'm sorry

you've got to give up
the country club life.

Oh, that's okay, Lois.

'Cause you know,
I got to say,

I don't think those rich guys
have it all that great.

Too much stress.

You know,
you give me the choice,

I'Il choose our life
any day of the week.

Me, too, Peter.

Can l have $50 to
get my hair cut?

Absolutely not.
That's a waste of money.

I will cut it myself.

You look like garbage.
What happened?