Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 21 - Roads to Vegas - full transcript

Thanks for encouraging us
to come to Gay Pride Day, Brian.

Yeah, this seems
like it'Il be fun.

Real fun, not "entertain-
you r-wife's-pa rents-

while-your-wife-
is-at-work" fun.

Laura gets home at 7:00,
so l figure we can stare

at our wine glasses
till then.

So, uh... so, when...

when do you guys think
you're gonna die?

Wow, a parade.

It's like l'm walking
past stuff,

but l'm not going anywhere.



Look, there's the float
commemorating sham marriages.

Sorry, this stomach thing
is acting up again tonight.

Oh, and l'm going on a business
trip to Mykonos for July.

And it says this next one is
the "Shocking Reveal Gay Float."

I had no idea.

Hey, check it out.

There's an air show.

Oh, my God-
they're gonna crash!

No, no, don't worry-
it's a gay air show.

They're just gonna
lightly touch tips.

Aw!

Well, listen up, everybody,
'cause it's time

for our grand prize drawing
for those tickets

to see Celine Dion live
in Las Vegas!



DEEP VOICE
Infertility!

Here we go!

Our grand prize winner is...

Brian Griffin.

Wow, l don't believe it!

Hey, congratulations, buddy.

The only thing l ever won
was an extra day of summer.

Okay, Peter-
one more day.

Yay!

I saw what l look like
in a car window,

and now l don't want to go.

We now return
to Frank/in and Bash

with Indicators to Show
Which One is Franklin

and Which One is Bosh.

Defensive blows to their heads
were to send a message...

Oh, sorry, sorry.

"Help me get
into used car sales."

Hey, Stewie, l don't know if
you have any interest in this,

but l was wondering if you
want to go to Vegas with me

and see Celine Dion.

Are you kidding?
Of course l want to go!

Wow, these are good seats!

I know- apparently they were
donated by Goldman's Pharmacy.

Turns out Mort's cousin
is Celine's opening act.

Really? What's his talent?

I understand he's a
magician of sorts.

All right, for this next trick,

I need a quarter
from the audience.

Okay, thank you.

You almost ready, Stewie?

We should probably start
heading to the airport.

Yes, l was gonna talk to
you about that, actually.

Last night, l was
thinking to myself,

"Why fly, when we can
get there instantly?"

What? What do you mean?

Well, you see, l recently
completed construction

on a teleportation device,
and it occurred to me,

this may be the perfect
chance to try it out.

Wow, Stewie,
that's incredible!

Oh, hey, guys.

Peter, what do
you have there?

Give me the scissors.

I was just gonna make
some masks!

Use your scissors.

They're not sharp!

So, what do you say?

Hmm, teleport to Vegas, huh?

All right, let's do it!

Okay, now, the device is
powered by kinetic energy,

so you've got to dance
to make it work.

You, uh... really?

Yeah, you've
got to dance.

What are you doing,
you tool?

Do you know anything
about science?

You just saw
me program it.

What the hell, Stewie?
It didn't work.

Hmm, that's odd.

It appears there
may still be

a few more bugs
to work out.

Well, it was
worth a try.

Oh, my God, Stewie-
it-it worked!

We're in Vegas!

Yeah, all right!

Well, let's hit the
hospital, get checked

for teleportation
cancer and then party!

Well, since the teleportation
machine failed to get us

to Vegas, l suppose we should
just catch our plane.

I'Il repair it
when we get back.

You know, this is
going to be a good trip, Brian.

I really feel like fate
is on our side.

Scissors are jerks.

And l'm a owl.

Oh, wow, look at
that, Stewie.

Perfect timing.

Everything's just
so beautiful here.

This is miserable.

Three-hour delay
and a completely full flight.

Don't look at us,
you pig.

Take your Juicy sweatpants
and your dirty pillow from home,

and your bucket of Coke, and
get the hell out of my sight.

What was her problem?

You see that, Brian?

That's going to be our
penises later, right?

Stewie, that teleportation
machine is amazing.

It's so great
that we're already here.

Yep, drink it in, Bri.

Time to enjoy all the
Bellagio has to offer.

Classic architecture.

Beautiful art.

Plus, the air is clean
because they suck up

all the cigarette smoke and
dump it in the bad hotels.

Smell that, kids?

It's been in a rich
person's mouth.

Hi. We're checking in-
Griffin?

Ah, yes.

I see you've requested
a bed that's good

for bouncing
and jumping?

That is correct.

I am a businessman.

Just sign here, please.

And you can actually keep
that pen if you'd like.

No way! Really?

Wow, you see that, Brian?

Good luck already.

You know, l know we're
switching to a digital world,

but l-l think this little
guy's still got a place in it.

Hey, we should try one of those
slot machines by the entrance.

You know, they always set
those things to pay out more

so they can lure people
into the casino.

Well, that's a great idea.

Oh, my God-
I don't believe it!

Brian, we won!

We won the jackpot!

Oh, this is unbelievable.

I haven't had this much fun
since l hosted the Oscars.

Good evening.

I just want to say
that l have the utmost respect

for women everywhere.

And also, the Jews.

Good night.

Oh, thank God,
we're finally here.

That plane ride took forever.

Kind of weird they showed
Flight 93 on Flight 93.

Hi. We're checking in-
Griffin?

Hmm, l do have a Griffin
here, but that room

was checked into hours ago.
What?

Yes, and l'm afraid we have
no other rooms available.

I see- is there
a less heavy person

that could check again for me?

I'm sorry, we're
all booked up

because the Slut
Convention's in town.

Slut Convention?
Yeah.

They were promised a
single millionaire,

but it's really just a
bunch of horny squirrels

in a rich-guy suit.

So...

you made your money
in business?

Where's your
room, handsome?

Can l at least have that pen?

No, that's
Bellagio property.

Aw.

Well, this sucks.
Hey, l'm gonna go try one

of those slot machines
by the entrance.

They always set
those things to pay out more

so they can lure people
into the casino.

Damn it, Vegas!

Excuse me, where can l find
some smoking Asians?

Oh, everywhere? Okay.

Luck be a lady tonight

Luck be a lady tonight

Luck if you've ever been

A lady to begin with

Luck be a lady tonight

Luck let

A gentleman see

How nice a dame you can be

Oh, my God, this
place is a dump.

Well, let's not be
so quick to judge.

It says here there's
a continental breakfast.

Oh, the continent is Africa.

Stewie, this place
is a complete pit.

I mean, doesn't it seem
weird to you that we have

to re-check-in
every 20 minutes?

Also the porn is free, but we
have to watch it in the lobby.

Okay, let's see if we can
turn this trip around.

I'm gonna try some blackjack.

Here, take $40.

I'm gonna go get
some ice cream.

All right, l'Il
catch up with you.

Hey there...

Denise.

How you doing today?
I don't know.

I usually have to check
with my boyfriend first.

Oh.

Uh... hit, please.

24? Crap!

Do you know what it's
like to go to the doctor

and see your own foot
in the garbage can?

Okay, you have a good night.

Hey, Stewie, l need
some more money.

I lost it all, Brian!

What?

Well, l was on my way
to get ice cream

and l passed a roulette table,
and l put it all on 16

because of that
Taylor Swift song, "Sixteen."

That song is
called "Fifteen."

It came up 15!

Stewie, that was all
the money l brought.

I knew l should've brought
Peter instead of you.

Oh, come on, you would've
done much worse with him.

He's got a terrible tell.

Any cards, Peter?

No, l'm good.

Oh, this is gonna be great.

I hear she puts on
an amazing show.

She does- you'Il be
amazed that that voice

comes out of that face.

Oh, thank God,
we made it in time.

I didn't realize how far

that awful hotel is
from the Strip.

The woman who cleaned
our room had no ears.

I'm sorry,
these tickets are invalid.

What?

It's showing that they've
already been scanned.

I can't let you in.

Oh, this trip has
been a disaster.

I know. l actually thought
I was gonna win big

and get that plastic surgery
I always wanted.

Oh, my God!

Look at him.

He's so cute.

I'm small,
so this is okay.

You know what, screw it.

I say we just cut our
losses and fly home.

Yeah, l'm not so sure
about that.

What? Why?

Well, l may have...

And-and you are gonna
laugh about this,

if l know your dark
sense of humor,

but l may have gambled away
our plane tickets.

You what? How do
you even do that?

It's Vegas, Brian.
You can gamble anything.

I'd like to bet
my daughter's virginity on 23.

I'm sorry, it's 31.

Cw!

How's it going here?

Not great.
I know what you mean.

We just took a pounding
at the craps table.

Look, why don't we just
call Lois and the fat man?

Maybe they can help us.

I don't know about that.

You know that
500 bucks we lost?

I sort of took that from
Lois without asking.

If she finds out it's
all gone, she'Il kill me.

Oh.

Did you fellas say you were
in a bit of a fix?

My buddy's got the inside track
on a basketball game.

It's a sure thing.

I like how all your teeth
are different shapes.

Why are you
telling us this?

What do you want from us?

Honestly,
I'm trying to sell my condo,

and l need people to come
to the open house

and talk
about how nice it is.

Wow, the price per square foot
is quite competitive

with similar homes in the area.

Yes, l also love it.

I will likely purchase it

unless others
put in a rival bid.

Well, what's stopping you?

You know, you've always been
so noncommittal

in our relationship.

Do you know how much
it hurt my feelings

when you paused before
introducing me to your parents?

And it's the same reason you
didn't take that job in Denver.

I'm sorry, l didn't mean
to waste your time.

I just remembered my husband
is a total chicken.

I'm not 100% sure
what we're doing anymore.

It's like l say, the best
thing you can see in Vegas

is bar, bar, bar.

Yeah, and he's not talking
about slot machines.

Ugh!

Stewie, l'm still not sure
this is a great idea.

Relax, Brian; we're betting
on one basketball game.

That's it.

Then we'Il be out of debt
and on our way home.

I suppose.
I just wish

we didn't have to borrow money
from a loan shark.

I mean, that guy seemed
pretty serious.

Okay, and just a couple
of remaining items.

Please indicate here
if l look like a schmuck to you.

I'm gonna say "no."

Great. Then please check here
and initial there.

Uh, next, do you think
this is some kind of game?

Urn, no.

Okay, initial, please.

And finally, my date of birth.

Was it yesterday?

And that'Il do
it for us here

with Duke losing
by just three points.

We... we lost, Brian.

Oh, crap, we're screwed.

Hey, Stewie, give me
$100 from the backpack.

I want to pay a
Wayne Newton look-alike

to beat up a
Rita Rudner look-alike.

I'Il give you $1,000.

Pay him to beat up Rita Rudner.

Stewie, we got to get
the hell out of here

before that loan shark finds us.

Yes, you're right.

I've got a bad feeling, Brian.

I've got a good
feeling, Brian.

I'm gonna get
me that honey.

I say, Brian,
this backpack feels

a bit lighter
than it did before.

Well, l wasn't gonna
tell you till later,

but l actually used
part of my portion

to take care of some
personal business.

All right, fine.

Hey, boss, it's me.

I just spotted those two idiots
who borrowed all that money.

Yeah, well, now they're
strutting around

in flashy suits.

Don't worry; l'Il get that
money back no matter what,

and for sure l'm not
gonna stop first

and get some crepes
in the lobby.

Where can l get
some crepes?

Hey, Stewie,
thanks for coming with me.

This really has been
an amazing trip.

Yeah, it's been great.

Um, listen, Brian,

this might be a good
time to tell you, uh,

I invited, um, somebody

to come to the room.

Well, what do you mean?

Oh, that must be him now.

Okay, come on, you look nothing
like your picture in the ad.

Shut up and give
me the money!

What? What the hell
are you talking about?

Okay, l'm starting to think
you're not Apollo.

You bastards think you can
just borrow a bunch of money

from a loan shark and then
waste it on tacky suits?

Tacky?
Sir, l'Il have you know

I bought this
in the lobby of a casino.

Well, don't shoot.

You must have us confused
with somebody else.

We didn't borrow
any money, l swear.

Sounds like somebody
wants to die.

Aah! No, no!
Stewie,

just give him the money
from the backpack.

Okay, okay. Don't shoot.

Wha... It's empty.

It's just Cheerios
and coloring books.

What? Where the hell
is the money?

Sir, we can't give you
any money,

but if you've got
some milk and a bowl,

we can give you a pretty
healthy way to start your day.

All right,
enough of this.

You, dog,

pick which one of
you two is gonna die.

What? You can't ask me
to decide something like that.

The life of every being
is sacred, just like the life...

Fine. l'Il kill you.

No, no, kill him.
He's a baby.

He-he won't even remember
he was alive.

You son of a b...

Aah! Stewie!

Now, get us the
money you borrowed.

Oh, my God, Stewie, no!

Yeah, l was booked
for three hours

by Archibald Meatpants.

He's... he's dead.

Okay, well, either way,
I'm getting paid,

and somebody's
getting torn open.

What the hell
are we gonna do, Stewie?

We have no money,
no way to get home,

and one of the loan shark's
goons is probably gonna bust

through that door
any minute and kill us both.

I wish my daddy were here.

He always knows what to do.

Oh, son of a bitch.

Well, l better leave a note.

It's the right thing to do.

God, l've never felt
so hopeless.

I mean, what are we
supposed to do?

Just wait for them
to come kill us?

Well, we could
go on the run.

With what money?
And they'd still find us.

Well, why don't we
just hitchhike home?

Even if we could get
back there,

we'd just be putting
the whole family in danger.

I don't see
any way out of this.

Well, there is one
thing we could do.

What? What's that?

We could go out
on our own terms.

What? You're saying
we should kill ourselves?

Well, think about it.

We're stuck here,
just waiting

for some mobster
to do it.

At least this way,
we can go out together.

But think
about what you're saying.

Brian, we're dead
no matter what.

At least this way,
it'Il be quick and clean.

Well, not clean for the staff
of the hotel,

but that's not really gonna be
our problem anymore.

L-I don't know.

Look, it's not like we've got
a lot to live for.

I mean, l'm just gonna
end up like Chris,

only l'Il be smart enough
to realize how miserable l am.

And you've only got
a few good years left anyway,

and that's if we even get
out of here alive.

All right, Stewie.

Let's do it.

Yeah, see, l'm glad
you came around.

You know, the only thing
that was holding me back

even a little is knowing how
much Lois is gonna milk this.

Everyone, l truly want
to thank you for your support

and remind you that,
as far as casseroles go,

we're good on pasta,

but we could use
some more dessert items.

Oh, l miss my baby so much,

and l'm more
of a chocolate person

than a fruit person.

Well, this is it.

I guess so.

Count to three?

Yep.

One, two...

Three!
I'm sorry.

I can't. l want to live!

I didn't really think
we were gonna do it.

You dick!

Oh, my God, Brian!

Brian, no!

Good Lord, what have l done?

I better get the hell
out of here.

What the deuce?

Where did this come from?

Well, looks like
Archibald Meatpants

is gonna have a fun night.

One-way to Providence, please.

Yeah, how much to get
to Providence?

Brian?

Stewie, what the hell?

But how can you be...

Oh, my God.

C-Could it be?

What the hell is going on?

My teleportation machine worked.

Of course it did;
that's how we got here.

No, that's how
you got here.

I flew.

The machine must have
created two pairs of us-

one that was teleported
to Las Vegas

and the other that wasn't.

You're kidding.
That's unbelievable.

I know, it... Wait.

Where's the other me?

Oh, um... What?

Where is the Stewie
you came with?

Oh, well, th-these thugs
came to shoot you,

and l tried to throw myself
in front of the bullet,

but it must have gone, like,
under my armpit or something

'cause it-it exploded
your face.

Wait, what about
the other me?

Oh, it was so sad.

You took your own life.

I tried like hell to
talk you out of it,

but you jumped
off a balcony.

People keep coming
back every hour

because they think
it's a regular show,

like-like the volcano or
the pirate ship thing.

Wow.

Well, l-I'm so glad
you're alive.

Yeah, same with you.

Well, we should
probably head home.

Definitely.

Um, uh, the only thing is,
I'm a little short.

Is there any chance
you could cover me

for the ticket?

Oh, let me see
how much l have.

Good news!
I have just enough.

ANNOUNCER
Now departing for Providence.

HEY, did you guys see O?

No, that seemed lame.

You know, the other you
was a lot more fun.

Which one is O?

Is that the-the
swimming one?

Don't-don't try to demean it.

How does it feel to be
the least cultured person

at a bus station?

Hey.