Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 20 - Farmer Guy - full transcript
Due to the high crime rate in Quaghog, the family move to a farm, where they discover a meth lab in the basement.
It seems today
that all you see
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
We now return to
Germany's favorite talk show,
Dos Ist Gut.
Dad, what is this show?
I don't know. It's just
a German guy listing items
and then declaring them good.
Willkommen! Where are we?
Das! Ist! Gut!
Okay, sunsets.
Dos ist gut.
Ja.
Sauerkraut.
Dos ist gut.
The autobahn. Vroom vroom!
Das ist gut.
Oompa music.
Das ist gut.
Euthanasia for
the mentally feeble.
Das ist gut.
Das ist Gut
is filmed before an audience
of the mentally feeble.
God, l wish l could get tickets
to that show.
We interrupt this program
to bring you a Channel Five News
special report.
Good evening. l'm Joyce Kinney
with this special report.
The latest police
statistics have revealed
a significant rise in
crime throughout Quahog.
That's right, Joyce.
And just to put it out there,
Tom Tucker is packin'.
I drive a 2006 Infiniti,
and l don't intend to lose it.
So come and get some, punks.
An increase
in crime?
That can't
be right.
I haven't noticed
anything like that.
You're in the house 14 hours
a day. What would you notice?
Well, l hate to
admit it, Lois,
but over the last
couple of years,
this town has changed a lot, and
not necessarily for the better.
Yeah, l mean, the other day,
I left a doodie
right in the middle
of a Crate and Barrel.
Came back 45 minutes later,
it was gone.
Yeah, even school's
getting more dangerous.
The bullies
have been so busy,
they're outsourcing
their bullying to India.
MAN
Okay, do you see
the back of your underwear
in the mirror?
Yes.
Okay, l want you to pull it up
as high as you can.
Well, l disagree
with you guys.
I think Quahog
is still pretty great.
You know, it's hard for me
to take the things
you say seriously
when l know what's been
in that mouth of yours.
Look, l realize Quahog isn't
the small town it used to be,
but it's still
very special to me.
It's my home.
Yeah, come on, guys, she's got
dyed roots in this community.
Lois, l know you
love this town,
but nothing is ever as
innocent as it seems.
Attaboy, Ope.
Give me all
your money!
Okay, okay!
You have a white wallet?
Yeah, just like
Truman Capote.
Who's Truman Capote?
What a surprise!
The mugger's never
heard of Truman Capote.
There's a library card in there!
Use it!
And now, let's meet our star!
Give a warm Quahog Oceanland
welcome to Bojangles!
All the fish
in the bucket now!
Not one fish at a time
as a reward! All of them!
Okay, okay,
take it easy.
Okay, the one thing
you don't want to do
is tell me to take it easy.
Now do that thing
where you rub my belly!
I really like that!
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, now l'm gonna balance
a ball on your face.
One more push.
There we go!
It's a boy!
And he's got a gun!
Well, you guys,
we did it.
We finally went to a restaurant
without somebody yelling at us,
and then the rest of the place
applauding them.
Oh, my God!
We've been
burglarized!
To get that $17 insurance check
and start over.
Oh, my God,
it's so creepy to think
there were strangers
in our house.
I've never
felt so scared.
I have.
And now we wait.
Oh, no, they took my gym shoes.
Sorry, glutes,
no blasting today.
They took my dirty rope
that was tied in a knot!
They stole the chair
I use in the shower!
They stole
all my pens!
I... l don't have
a lot of stuff.
They also stole
my sense of wonder.
Nope.
Oh, this is horrible!
Maybe you guys were right.
Maybe our town has changed.
I know, it's awful.
Pretty soon, guys are
just gonna be showing
their boners to babies
and stuff, l bet.
It's sad to think that Quahog
isn't safe for families anymore.
I mean, all l ever wanted was
to raise our children
in a wholesome place,
far away from all the crime
and problems of the big city.
I'm reading you, Lois.
I'm reading you loud and clear.
Hi, l'm Peter Griffin.
Um, l'm looking for
a wholesome place
for my family to live, so
I'd like to buy your farm.
All right, well,
the going rate
for my farm is $875,000.
Uh... nobody
called ahead?
What?
Well, somebody... somebody from
Fox was supposed to call ahead.
They usually
take care of it,
and then l just go
ahead and do stuff.
I didn't get
no phone call.
Hello?
Oh, yes.
Yes, that'Il be fine.
Ah.
Hey, Lois, you know
how l'm always
buying things
impulsively?
Well, that's gonna
be very hard to do
now that we're
living on a farm.
What? What are you
talking about?
Um, a farm, Lois.
It's where
vegetables live.
Peter, you went out
and bought a farm
without even talking
to me about it?
Well, Lois, in my
defense, l have nothing
to back uthe beginning
of this sentence.
I can't believe this.
And it's not like
it's the first time you made
a big family decision
without consulting me.
Yes, l'd like to
see your quietest doctor.
Peter, where'd you
even get the money
to make that kind
of purchase?
I sold the house.
And l did it
on Craigslist,
so l also made a
dangerous friend.
What? How could
you sell the house?
Spooner Street is our home!
I mean, l have three aprons
that say "Quahog."
What do you want me to do,
start all over?
Lois, you were saying
yourself how you want
our kids to grow up
in a wholesome place
away from the big city.
I... l did say that.
And, Chris, you been
telling me how you wanted
to watch animals
humping other animals
what might not
be okay with it.
That's true.
And, Meg, you yourself
said ligloss unicorns
Channing Tatum something
something bullcrap.
You were listening
the whole time?
Don't you see,
you guys?
I did this for
the family.
Just think of this farm as
our next great adventure.
Like when we tried to
invade the city of Troy.
Peter, l don't think
this is the right horse.
I am 100% positive
this is the right horse.
Come on, guys,
what do you say?
Will you join me
in eating eggs
fresh out of a
chicken's butt?
Yay! Now l can be one
of those filthy teens
with sad eyes
at a farmer's market!
Well, with what's
become of Quahog,
maybe it is time
to make a change.
I'm in, Dad!
Me, too!
All right, let's do it.
HEY, What's going on?
Well, we've made a decision
as a family, Brian.
We've decided to take you to a
nice, big farm upstate.
Wh-What?
A farm with big
open fields, Brian,
where you can just run
and run and be free
and no one will
ever hurt you.
Doesn't that sound
wonderful, Brian?
Are you ready to go
to the nice farm?
No! No!
You'Il never take me alive!
Okay, l am at full
candy corn right now.
Here we are, everyone.
The Griffin family farm.
Wow, look at us, Brian,
frontier people.
I feel like those miners
who first struck gold
in San Francisco.
Oh, my God,
we did it!
We struck gold!
This is amazing!
We're gonna be rich!
Rich and gay.
Come here.
Peter, what are you doing?
Well, Lois, a big part
of owning a farm
is crossing a road
very slowly with cows.
Okay, okay, Bessie, now.
Get yourself out there.
Easy does it.
Hey, come on, man!
I got to get to work!
And so do they, sir.
Hurry it UP!
Wait a second.
Now get in line, you!
Hey, l thought l told you kids
to go plow in the field.
But, Dad, we've been
plowing all morning.
Yeah, l can't take
any more plowing.
I can barely walk.
Look, l know it seems
like dirty work, but, Chris,
you got to spread that seed
until your sack is empty.
And, Meg, you got to clear
away all that brush
so he can plant it deep
where it needs to be.
Okay, we'Il keep
at it, but l think
that hoe is pretty
much worn out.
Well, fliit over;
you can use both sides.
Peter, there's a guy
standing out in the yard.
Oh, yeah, that's Larry.
Part of being a farmer is having
a best friend named Larry
who l spend huge
amounts of time with,
but never actually talk to.
Ooh, you make me
live now, honey P
Ooh, you make me live
Oh
You're the best friend
That l ever had
Been with you
such a long time
You're my sunshine
And l want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you.
Peter, l'm dying.
This is the last time
I'Il ever see you.
Bye.
Peter, l've been running
the numbers on this farm,
and we're in deetrouble.
We haven't grown
a single croto sell.
And meanwhile,
you're spending half our money
down at the General Store,
and the other half
at the Specific Store.
Do you have almonds?
What kind of almonds?
Marcona almonds.
From what region?
The Basque Region.
The Basque Region's
pretty big.
North? South?
Southern Basque.
How much should
each almond weigh?
Point eight ounces?
Sorry, we only
have point sixes.
Aw.
Yeah, hi. Do you have stuff?
Yeah, we have stuff!
And is it true that you've been
spending the farm's money
on gingham shirts you tie into
a knot to expose your belly?
I bought a couple.
Well, with all this debt
and no income, there's no way
we're gonna be able
to keeuour bank payments.
Peter, if something
doesn't change,
I'm afraid we're
gonna lose this farm.
Great, just what l need
on my conscience:
another failed business.
Hi, l'd like to rent
The Proposal.
Hang on, let me check
the return slot.
I'm sorry, it hasn't
been returned yet.
I have a poster from The
Proposal you can look at.
You'Il get
most of the story.
Huh. They seem
pretty mismatched.
There you go.
Look, it's like
I've been saying,
farming is
very difficult.
When? W-When did
you say that?
Farming takes incredible
skill and knowledge
and the sort
of specialized experience
that takes generations
to acquire.
Dad, my favorite hen laid
this crazy-looking egg!
Cheep-cheep.
What's your point, Brian?
My point is that
maybe l should go
to the local state college and
take some agriculture courses.
With the proper training,
maybe l can actually
learn something that
will save this farm.
Wow, Brian,
that's a great idea.
And, hey, maybe l could give
the speech at your graduation.
I'm really good at that.
And so, as l look out at your
smiling faces filled with hope,
all l can think is,
you are completely screwed.
As Martin Luther King once said,
"Ouch, l've been shot."
Thank you.
Okay, that's
all my stuff.
I'm off to State Tech Ag
Central College Tech.
There's really two
"techs" in there?
The proudest day
of a man's life
is when his dog
goes off to college.
I'Il learn all l can.
And l'Il see you guys soon.
Aw, he packed a guitar?
What a douche.
Guys, what's that over there?
Oh, my God, it's a tornado!
And it's coming this way!
We got to run!
Hang on, guys, it might just be
the Tasmanian Devil.
Come on!
Into the storm cellar!
What is this place?
It's really dark down here.
Shh. MEG: What?
Did you hear something?
No, l just want you
to stotalking.
Wait, l think
I found the lights.
Wh-What is that?
Aw, sweet!
It's some kind of lab.
Hey, maybe it has
one of those things that goes...
'Cause that's
important for science.
Look at all this stuff.
Burners, plastic tubing.
12 cases of
cold medicine?
You guys...
I think this is
a meth lab.
Oh, my God.
You mean like
as in...
D-R-U-G-S?
Aren't those
I-L-L-E-G-A-L?
What's going on?
What are you guys
talking about?
Uh-oh, someone's
getting cranky.
I think he
needs an N-A-P.
What's happening?
Where are you taking me?
Man, l got to crack this code.
Oh, my God!
You guys, there's
a fully functional meth lab
in our basement.
Boy, we should
clean this place up.
It's a meth.
Brian?
Oh, right, you're at college.
We have to call
the police.
Whoa, whoa,
hang on, Lois.
Now, l know you're
freaked out,
but when you really stop
and think about it,
this meth lab is our
family's best chance
to make meth in a lab.
What... what are you
talking about, Peter?
I'm talking about
saving the farm.
Don't you see?
This lab is just what we need
to get back on our feet.
No way, Peter.
Dealing drugs
is morally wrong,
not to mention
incredibly dangerous.
Come on, we've always
been risk takers.
You remember
when we did it
in the bathroom at
that restaurant?
I can't believe
we're actually gonna do this.
Yeah. You go in first,
and l'Il go in a minute.
PETER
Oh, wow!
Oh, my God!
Oh, this is amazing!
You dirty girl.
Peter, l haven't
left yet.
You sick whore.
Look, it'd just be
temporary, Lois.
Just for a bit, just till we
get the farm back on its feet.
Till we get our family
back on its feet.
I don't know...
Lois, we've always
given our family
whatever it needs.
Well, right now,
our family needs us
to sell illegal drugs to
the tank tocommunity.
What do you say?
All right, Peter, we can make
one meth, and that's it.
And it's only because l don't
see any other way out of this.
Thanks, Lois.
Oh, this is gonna
work out great.
Hey, are you guys
gonna feed us anytime soon?
No, sorry, we're
doing meth stuff now.
I'Il eat that.
You just got clean.
Everyone, now that
I'm a meth dealer,
I'm going to respond
violently to outside noises
that the rest of
you don't hear.
Uh, okay, Peter,
but l...
What was that?!
Dad, l think that
was just a cricket.
Then what the hell was that?!
That was just
me saying,
"That was just
a cricket."
Dad, settle down.
There's no one
out there, Peter.
You sure?
Yeah, yeah, you're right,
it's probably just a-
Did you guys lock the truck?!
Dad, we don't
even have a...
What the hell is
going on out there?!
Come on out,
whoever you are!
I want to show my kids
what it looks like
when a bitch dies!
Peter, there's
no one there.
Well, maybe l
should just fire
a couple of rounds
into the darkness.
Don't hear those
crickets no more.
I'm not...
gonna make it.
You hang in there,
you hear me?
Listen to me.
I want you to take
care of my kids.
I will.
And l want you to be there
whenever there's a bad joke.
Let them know.
Let them know.
Gee, l hope l didn't
scare the cows.
I don't want to put
them in a bad mood.
What's that, Dad?
It's my new meth
distribution system.
I've trained this
carrier pigeon
to do all my deliveries for me.
Fly away, Benjamin!
Ah, perfect, perfect.
Now this is the money
I owe Peter.
I want you
to take it back to him.
Do you understand?
Round and round
With love, we'Il find...
Yes, hello, l'd like to buy
400 blister packs of Actifed,
or similar pseudoephedrine-based
decongestant.
Why?
I have a cold.
Achoo.
Hang on, let me
check something.
Okay, you're fine.
Be right back.
Well done, Stewie.
That could've gone really wrong.
Like that Kid Rock concert.
Oh, my God, help!
He's having
a heart attack!
Is anyone here
a doctor?!
No way
someone's a doctor here.
Hey, everyone, l'm back!
Hello?
What the hell?
Hey, Brian's home!
What the hell
is going on?
Nothing, nothing.
Just working on
a family project.
Getting in some
together time.
I have a crossbow!
Chris has a crossbow.
Okay, well, uh...
I'm back
from agricultural school,
and l might have the solution
to our farming trouble.
I brought some
heirloom tomato seeds.
That's nice, Brian.
Here's a new kind of meth
you put in your pee-hole.
Wh-What?
Oh, yeah,
we're meth dealers now.
Yeah, you missed it.
My teeth came in
and then fell out again.
I don't believe this!
Are you guys insane?!
We're rich
is what we are!
Look at all
that cash, Brian.
He don't get none of that!
He wasn't
here for it!
Well, this is just great!
I turn my back for a month,
and this place
turns into a drug den!
For your information,
it is also a drag queen hangout.
Hey, look, our meth
is on the news!
Good evening, l'm Tom Tucker.
Our tostory: Methamphetamine
is flooding into Quahog
in epidemic amounts, and is
believed to be originating
from the nearby
rural community of Farmton.
Farmton- that's the name
of the place we live.
For more on the story,
we now go live
to Asian correspondent
Tricia Takanawa.
Tom, meth is fine!
Everything's fine!
Go back to your own business!
Thanks, Tricia.
She's doing fun things
for me, for money.
Oh, my God.
We're hurting
our own hometown.
All those drugs that are
flooding into Quahog
are from us.
Oh, yeah?
Well, if we're dealing
so many drugs to Quahog,
why is the Quahog envelope
so light this week?
Yeah, l say
we go down there
and talk to
those people in Quahog.
No! This is
what l'm talking about.
Meth has turned
us into monsters.
Lois, take it easy.
No. You know what?
This is my own fault
for listening to you.
I forgot you don't even
know your ass
from a hole
in the ground.
Is that... is that my ass?
Lois, where
the hell you going?
I'm going back home to
Quahog, where l belong.
If any of you want to come
with me, you're welcome to.
First of all,
you sat in something green
and it's on your butt,
so no one's gonna follow you.
And second,
no one's gonna leave a place
where there are
tons of beakers
for a place where
there are zero beakers.
Peter, don't you see?
We left Quahog because
of the crime problem.
But now we've become
part of that problem.
Yo, what is this bitch
trippin' about?!
Look at our
lives, Peter.
Look at our family.
I don't recognize
us anymore.
It's time to go back
to Spooner Street
and be the
Griffins again.
Let's go, Peter.
Let's go back
to Quahog.
But... but what about
this farm?
And this house?
And the lab inside the house,
which is currently producing
an incredibly volatile
and explosive batch
of thermo-reactive chemic...
There were a lot of
Rottweilers in that house.
Well, it's good to be
back in our old house.
How did we get this place
back, by the way?
Well, luckily the value
of this place plummeted
because this is
a meth town now.
You know, l think the
lesson here is that
if your community has problems,
you don't abandon it.
It's better to stay put and
helfix those problems.
That's right, Lois, 'cause
wherever you run to,
your problems have a
funny way of finding you.
Hey, are you guys in there?
Peter, l need a taste!
Oh, my God, it's Jodie Sweetin.
Quick, everyone
lie on the floor.
Peter, come on! l've got
Maureen McCormick with me.
She'Il let you
finish anywhere.
Okay, everyone hide upstairs.
Daddy's gonna take care of this.
that all you see
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
We now return to
Germany's favorite talk show,
Dos Ist Gut.
Dad, what is this show?
I don't know. It's just
a German guy listing items
and then declaring them good.
Willkommen! Where are we?
Das! Ist! Gut!
Okay, sunsets.
Dos ist gut.
Ja.
Sauerkraut.
Dos ist gut.
The autobahn. Vroom vroom!
Das ist gut.
Oompa music.
Das ist gut.
Euthanasia for
the mentally feeble.
Das ist gut.
Das ist Gut
is filmed before an audience
of the mentally feeble.
God, l wish l could get tickets
to that show.
We interrupt this program
to bring you a Channel Five News
special report.
Good evening. l'm Joyce Kinney
with this special report.
The latest police
statistics have revealed
a significant rise in
crime throughout Quahog.
That's right, Joyce.
And just to put it out there,
Tom Tucker is packin'.
I drive a 2006 Infiniti,
and l don't intend to lose it.
So come and get some, punks.
An increase
in crime?
That can't
be right.
I haven't noticed
anything like that.
You're in the house 14 hours
a day. What would you notice?
Well, l hate to
admit it, Lois,
but over the last
couple of years,
this town has changed a lot, and
not necessarily for the better.
Yeah, l mean, the other day,
I left a doodie
right in the middle
of a Crate and Barrel.
Came back 45 minutes later,
it was gone.
Yeah, even school's
getting more dangerous.
The bullies
have been so busy,
they're outsourcing
their bullying to India.
MAN
Okay, do you see
the back of your underwear
in the mirror?
Yes.
Okay, l want you to pull it up
as high as you can.
Well, l disagree
with you guys.
I think Quahog
is still pretty great.
You know, it's hard for me
to take the things
you say seriously
when l know what's been
in that mouth of yours.
Look, l realize Quahog isn't
the small town it used to be,
but it's still
very special to me.
It's my home.
Yeah, come on, guys, she's got
dyed roots in this community.
Lois, l know you
love this town,
but nothing is ever as
innocent as it seems.
Attaboy, Ope.
Give me all
your money!
Okay, okay!
You have a white wallet?
Yeah, just like
Truman Capote.
Who's Truman Capote?
What a surprise!
The mugger's never
heard of Truman Capote.
There's a library card in there!
Use it!
And now, let's meet our star!
Give a warm Quahog Oceanland
welcome to Bojangles!
All the fish
in the bucket now!
Not one fish at a time
as a reward! All of them!
Okay, okay,
take it easy.
Okay, the one thing
you don't want to do
is tell me to take it easy.
Now do that thing
where you rub my belly!
I really like that!
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, now l'm gonna balance
a ball on your face.
One more push.
There we go!
It's a boy!
And he's got a gun!
Well, you guys,
we did it.
We finally went to a restaurant
without somebody yelling at us,
and then the rest of the place
applauding them.
Oh, my God!
We've been
burglarized!
To get that $17 insurance check
and start over.
Oh, my God,
it's so creepy to think
there were strangers
in our house.
I've never
felt so scared.
I have.
And now we wait.
Oh, no, they took my gym shoes.
Sorry, glutes,
no blasting today.
They took my dirty rope
that was tied in a knot!
They stole the chair
I use in the shower!
They stole
all my pens!
I... l don't have
a lot of stuff.
They also stole
my sense of wonder.
Nope.
Oh, this is horrible!
Maybe you guys were right.
Maybe our town has changed.
I know, it's awful.
Pretty soon, guys are
just gonna be showing
their boners to babies
and stuff, l bet.
It's sad to think that Quahog
isn't safe for families anymore.
I mean, all l ever wanted was
to raise our children
in a wholesome place,
far away from all the crime
and problems of the big city.
I'm reading you, Lois.
I'm reading you loud and clear.
Hi, l'm Peter Griffin.
Um, l'm looking for
a wholesome place
for my family to live, so
I'd like to buy your farm.
All right, well,
the going rate
for my farm is $875,000.
Uh... nobody
called ahead?
What?
Well, somebody... somebody from
Fox was supposed to call ahead.
They usually
take care of it,
and then l just go
ahead and do stuff.
I didn't get
no phone call.
Hello?
Oh, yes.
Yes, that'Il be fine.
Ah.
Hey, Lois, you know
how l'm always
buying things
impulsively?
Well, that's gonna
be very hard to do
now that we're
living on a farm.
What? What are you
talking about?
Um, a farm, Lois.
It's where
vegetables live.
Peter, you went out
and bought a farm
without even talking
to me about it?
Well, Lois, in my
defense, l have nothing
to back uthe beginning
of this sentence.
I can't believe this.
And it's not like
it's the first time you made
a big family decision
without consulting me.
Yes, l'd like to
see your quietest doctor.
Peter, where'd you
even get the money
to make that kind
of purchase?
I sold the house.
And l did it
on Craigslist,
so l also made a
dangerous friend.
What? How could
you sell the house?
Spooner Street is our home!
I mean, l have three aprons
that say "Quahog."
What do you want me to do,
start all over?
Lois, you were saying
yourself how you want
our kids to grow up
in a wholesome place
away from the big city.
I... l did say that.
And, Chris, you been
telling me how you wanted
to watch animals
humping other animals
what might not
be okay with it.
That's true.
And, Meg, you yourself
said ligloss unicorns
Channing Tatum something
something bullcrap.
You were listening
the whole time?
Don't you see,
you guys?
I did this for
the family.
Just think of this farm as
our next great adventure.
Like when we tried to
invade the city of Troy.
Peter, l don't think
this is the right horse.
I am 100% positive
this is the right horse.
Come on, guys,
what do you say?
Will you join me
in eating eggs
fresh out of a
chicken's butt?
Yay! Now l can be one
of those filthy teens
with sad eyes
at a farmer's market!
Well, with what's
become of Quahog,
maybe it is time
to make a change.
I'm in, Dad!
Me, too!
All right, let's do it.
HEY, What's going on?
Well, we've made a decision
as a family, Brian.
We've decided to take you to a
nice, big farm upstate.
Wh-What?
A farm with big
open fields, Brian,
where you can just run
and run and be free
and no one will
ever hurt you.
Doesn't that sound
wonderful, Brian?
Are you ready to go
to the nice farm?
No! No!
You'Il never take me alive!
Okay, l am at full
candy corn right now.
Here we are, everyone.
The Griffin family farm.
Wow, look at us, Brian,
frontier people.
I feel like those miners
who first struck gold
in San Francisco.
Oh, my God,
we did it!
We struck gold!
This is amazing!
We're gonna be rich!
Rich and gay.
Come here.
Peter, what are you doing?
Well, Lois, a big part
of owning a farm
is crossing a road
very slowly with cows.
Okay, okay, Bessie, now.
Get yourself out there.
Easy does it.
Hey, come on, man!
I got to get to work!
And so do they, sir.
Hurry it UP!
Wait a second.
Now get in line, you!
Hey, l thought l told you kids
to go plow in the field.
But, Dad, we've been
plowing all morning.
Yeah, l can't take
any more plowing.
I can barely walk.
Look, l know it seems
like dirty work, but, Chris,
you got to spread that seed
until your sack is empty.
And, Meg, you got to clear
away all that brush
so he can plant it deep
where it needs to be.
Okay, we'Il keep
at it, but l think
that hoe is pretty
much worn out.
Well, fliit over;
you can use both sides.
Peter, there's a guy
standing out in the yard.
Oh, yeah, that's Larry.
Part of being a farmer is having
a best friend named Larry
who l spend huge
amounts of time with,
but never actually talk to.
Ooh, you make me
live now, honey P
Ooh, you make me live
Oh
You're the best friend
That l ever had
Been with you
such a long time
You're my sunshine
And l want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you.
Peter, l'm dying.
This is the last time
I'Il ever see you.
Bye.
Peter, l've been running
the numbers on this farm,
and we're in deetrouble.
We haven't grown
a single croto sell.
And meanwhile,
you're spending half our money
down at the General Store,
and the other half
at the Specific Store.
Do you have almonds?
What kind of almonds?
Marcona almonds.
From what region?
The Basque Region.
The Basque Region's
pretty big.
North? South?
Southern Basque.
How much should
each almond weigh?
Point eight ounces?
Sorry, we only
have point sixes.
Aw.
Yeah, hi. Do you have stuff?
Yeah, we have stuff!
And is it true that you've been
spending the farm's money
on gingham shirts you tie into
a knot to expose your belly?
I bought a couple.
Well, with all this debt
and no income, there's no way
we're gonna be able
to keeuour bank payments.
Peter, if something
doesn't change,
I'm afraid we're
gonna lose this farm.
Great, just what l need
on my conscience:
another failed business.
Hi, l'd like to rent
The Proposal.
Hang on, let me check
the return slot.
I'm sorry, it hasn't
been returned yet.
I have a poster from The
Proposal you can look at.
You'Il get
most of the story.
Huh. They seem
pretty mismatched.
There you go.
Look, it's like
I've been saying,
farming is
very difficult.
When? W-When did
you say that?
Farming takes incredible
skill and knowledge
and the sort
of specialized experience
that takes generations
to acquire.
Dad, my favorite hen laid
this crazy-looking egg!
Cheep-cheep.
What's your point, Brian?
My point is that
maybe l should go
to the local state college and
take some agriculture courses.
With the proper training,
maybe l can actually
learn something that
will save this farm.
Wow, Brian,
that's a great idea.
And, hey, maybe l could give
the speech at your graduation.
I'm really good at that.
And so, as l look out at your
smiling faces filled with hope,
all l can think is,
you are completely screwed.
As Martin Luther King once said,
"Ouch, l've been shot."
Thank you.
Okay, that's
all my stuff.
I'm off to State Tech Ag
Central College Tech.
There's really two
"techs" in there?
The proudest day
of a man's life
is when his dog
goes off to college.
I'Il learn all l can.
And l'Il see you guys soon.
Aw, he packed a guitar?
What a douche.
Guys, what's that over there?
Oh, my God, it's a tornado!
And it's coming this way!
We got to run!
Hang on, guys, it might just be
the Tasmanian Devil.
Come on!
Into the storm cellar!
What is this place?
It's really dark down here.
Shh. MEG: What?
Did you hear something?
No, l just want you
to stotalking.
Wait, l think
I found the lights.
Wh-What is that?
Aw, sweet!
It's some kind of lab.
Hey, maybe it has
one of those things that goes...
'Cause that's
important for science.
Look at all this stuff.
Burners, plastic tubing.
12 cases of
cold medicine?
You guys...
I think this is
a meth lab.
Oh, my God.
You mean like
as in...
D-R-U-G-S?
Aren't those
I-L-L-E-G-A-L?
What's going on?
What are you guys
talking about?
Uh-oh, someone's
getting cranky.
I think he
needs an N-A-P.
What's happening?
Where are you taking me?
Man, l got to crack this code.
Oh, my God!
You guys, there's
a fully functional meth lab
in our basement.
Boy, we should
clean this place up.
It's a meth.
Brian?
Oh, right, you're at college.
We have to call
the police.
Whoa, whoa,
hang on, Lois.
Now, l know you're
freaked out,
but when you really stop
and think about it,
this meth lab is our
family's best chance
to make meth in a lab.
What... what are you
talking about, Peter?
I'm talking about
saving the farm.
Don't you see?
This lab is just what we need
to get back on our feet.
No way, Peter.
Dealing drugs
is morally wrong,
not to mention
incredibly dangerous.
Come on, we've always
been risk takers.
You remember
when we did it
in the bathroom at
that restaurant?
I can't believe
we're actually gonna do this.
Yeah. You go in first,
and l'Il go in a minute.
PETER
Oh, wow!
Oh, my God!
Oh, this is amazing!
You dirty girl.
Peter, l haven't
left yet.
You sick whore.
Look, it'd just be
temporary, Lois.
Just for a bit, just till we
get the farm back on its feet.
Till we get our family
back on its feet.
I don't know...
Lois, we've always
given our family
whatever it needs.
Well, right now,
our family needs us
to sell illegal drugs to
the tank tocommunity.
What do you say?
All right, Peter, we can make
one meth, and that's it.
And it's only because l don't
see any other way out of this.
Thanks, Lois.
Oh, this is gonna
work out great.
Hey, are you guys
gonna feed us anytime soon?
No, sorry, we're
doing meth stuff now.
I'Il eat that.
You just got clean.
Everyone, now that
I'm a meth dealer,
I'm going to respond
violently to outside noises
that the rest of
you don't hear.
Uh, okay, Peter,
but l...
What was that?!
Dad, l think that
was just a cricket.
Then what the hell was that?!
That was just
me saying,
"That was just
a cricket."
Dad, settle down.
There's no one
out there, Peter.
You sure?
Yeah, yeah, you're right,
it's probably just a-
Did you guys lock the truck?!
Dad, we don't
even have a...
What the hell is
going on out there?!
Come on out,
whoever you are!
I want to show my kids
what it looks like
when a bitch dies!
Peter, there's
no one there.
Well, maybe l
should just fire
a couple of rounds
into the darkness.
Don't hear those
crickets no more.
I'm not...
gonna make it.
You hang in there,
you hear me?
Listen to me.
I want you to take
care of my kids.
I will.
And l want you to be there
whenever there's a bad joke.
Let them know.
Let them know.
Gee, l hope l didn't
scare the cows.
I don't want to put
them in a bad mood.
What's that, Dad?
It's my new meth
distribution system.
I've trained this
carrier pigeon
to do all my deliveries for me.
Fly away, Benjamin!
Ah, perfect, perfect.
Now this is the money
I owe Peter.
I want you
to take it back to him.
Do you understand?
Round and round
With love, we'Il find...
Yes, hello, l'd like to buy
400 blister packs of Actifed,
or similar pseudoephedrine-based
decongestant.
Why?
I have a cold.
Achoo.
Hang on, let me
check something.
Okay, you're fine.
Be right back.
Well done, Stewie.
That could've gone really wrong.
Like that Kid Rock concert.
Oh, my God, help!
He's having
a heart attack!
Is anyone here
a doctor?!
No way
someone's a doctor here.
Hey, everyone, l'm back!
Hello?
What the hell?
Hey, Brian's home!
What the hell
is going on?
Nothing, nothing.
Just working on
a family project.
Getting in some
together time.
I have a crossbow!
Chris has a crossbow.
Okay, well, uh...
I'm back
from agricultural school,
and l might have the solution
to our farming trouble.
I brought some
heirloom tomato seeds.
That's nice, Brian.
Here's a new kind of meth
you put in your pee-hole.
Wh-What?
Oh, yeah,
we're meth dealers now.
Yeah, you missed it.
My teeth came in
and then fell out again.
I don't believe this!
Are you guys insane?!
We're rich
is what we are!
Look at all
that cash, Brian.
He don't get none of that!
He wasn't
here for it!
Well, this is just great!
I turn my back for a month,
and this place
turns into a drug den!
For your information,
it is also a drag queen hangout.
Hey, look, our meth
is on the news!
Good evening, l'm Tom Tucker.
Our tostory: Methamphetamine
is flooding into Quahog
in epidemic amounts, and is
believed to be originating
from the nearby
rural community of Farmton.
Farmton- that's the name
of the place we live.
For more on the story,
we now go live
to Asian correspondent
Tricia Takanawa.
Tom, meth is fine!
Everything's fine!
Go back to your own business!
Thanks, Tricia.
She's doing fun things
for me, for money.
Oh, my God.
We're hurting
our own hometown.
All those drugs that are
flooding into Quahog
are from us.
Oh, yeah?
Well, if we're dealing
so many drugs to Quahog,
why is the Quahog envelope
so light this week?
Yeah, l say
we go down there
and talk to
those people in Quahog.
No! This is
what l'm talking about.
Meth has turned
us into monsters.
Lois, take it easy.
No. You know what?
This is my own fault
for listening to you.
I forgot you don't even
know your ass
from a hole
in the ground.
Is that... is that my ass?
Lois, where
the hell you going?
I'm going back home to
Quahog, where l belong.
If any of you want to come
with me, you're welcome to.
First of all,
you sat in something green
and it's on your butt,
so no one's gonna follow you.
And second,
no one's gonna leave a place
where there are
tons of beakers
for a place where
there are zero beakers.
Peter, don't you see?
We left Quahog because
of the crime problem.
But now we've become
part of that problem.
Yo, what is this bitch
trippin' about?!
Look at our
lives, Peter.
Look at our family.
I don't recognize
us anymore.
It's time to go back
to Spooner Street
and be the
Griffins again.
Let's go, Peter.
Let's go back
to Quahog.
But... but what about
this farm?
And this house?
And the lab inside the house,
which is currently producing
an incredibly volatile
and explosive batch
of thermo-reactive chemic...
There were a lot of
Rottweilers in that house.
Well, it's good to be
back in our old house.
How did we get this place
back, by the way?
Well, luckily the value
of this place plummeted
because this is
a meth town now.
You know, l think the
lesson here is that
if your community has problems,
you don't abandon it.
It's better to stay put and
helfix those problems.
That's right, Lois, 'cause
wherever you run to,
your problems have a
funny way of finding you.
Hey, are you guys in there?
Peter, l need a taste!
Oh, my God, it's Jodie Sweetin.
Quick, everyone
lie on the floor.
Peter, come on! l've got
Maureen McCormick with me.
She'Il let you
finish anywhere.
Okay, everyone hide upstairs.
Daddy's gonna take care of this.