Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 1 - Finders Keepers - full transcript

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

We now return to

11 Angry Men and One
Developmentally Disabled Man.



Okay, the vote is
11 for "guilty"

and one for "kitty."

All right,
let's keep talking it out...

Has the jury
reached its verdict?

We have, Your Honor.

We find the defendant...
kitty.

Boy, am I beat.

Peter, what's
with the tie?

Oh, I bought a tie so I can
loosen it when I'm beat.

Oh, my God, Dad!

Peter, your breath!
It's horrible.

Is Whoopi Goldberg
working out down there?

Peter, I think
what everyone's saying

is that you've
got "dad breath."



What the hell's
"dad breath"?

You know,
"dad breath."

Guys get older,

they stop paying
attention to hygiene,

their bodies
are changing...

It's just a fact that,
at a certain age,

men start to rot
from the inside out.

I don't smell it.

Huh. Maybe that
explains what happened

with that new guy
at work today.

All right, so this
is Pawtucket Patriot's

national distribution.

As you can see,

we are predominantly
an East Coast beer.

Hey, there's gonna be a quiz
on all this later.

I'm just kidding.

Someone said that
to me once,

now I say it.

Hey, Lois,
what do you say

we do what Anderson
Cooper tried once

before he decided
he hated it?

Oh, Peter...

Hi, there.

Ugh. Oh.

Let's do some
role-playing.

You're you
and I'm Peter,

only with
much worse knees.

Ow, my knees!

Actually, Peter,

I think I finally
want to make love

to a 1950's spaceman.

Really? You mean it?!

All right, let's go!

Good.

Ugh, Dad, it smells like
rotting flesh in here.

Take the window lock off!

Can't do that, Meg.

I don't trust myself
not to jump out the window.

But Minnie had a heart

Ah, now this
is music.

As big as a whale

Hidee hidee hidee hi

Hidee hidee
hidee hi

Hodee hodee hodee ho

Hodee hodee
hodee ho

Heedee heedee heedee hee

Heedee heedee
heedee hee

Oh, my God!
Meg, are you okay?

Do you need mouth-to-nose
resuscitation?

Ah... politics.

Ah... coach
is a bum.

Oh, bloody hell!

Heh! Beetle Bailey.

Heh! Ha-ha! Ha!

Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, that's it!

All right, fat man,
two can play at that game.

Aah! Friendly fire!

All right,
that's it, Peter,

we've got to do something
about that awful breath.

I'm making an appointment,

and you are going
to the dentist.

Geez, you are not gonna
let this go, are you?

You're as stubborn as
a four-hour erection.

Well, she's long gone,
so, uh, you can go, too.

Oh, no,

you got me for another
three and half hours, pal.

Go ahead,
seek medical attention.

I'm not going anywhere.
You can't stay!

I'm chaperoning
my daughter's

Girl Scout dinner
in 45 minutes!

Well, tuck me
into your waistband

and try not to pee
up your shirt.

Oh, boy.

All right, I think
I found the culprit.

This shrimp was lodged
under one of your gums.

Wow, that must've been
in there a while.

It's been weeks since I ordered
from Hurry Up, Shrimp.

Where the hell is this guy?

I ordered that shrimp
two hours ago.

Uh-oh!

Looks like
you should've ordered

from Hurry Up, Shrimp.

Hurry Up, Shrimp?
Well, that just sounds fast.

On average, Americans spend
upwards of 50,000 hours

waiting for shrimp
over the course of their lives.

When I heard that,
I thought to myself,

"Why on earth don't
these guys just hurry up?"

So that's just what we did.

Come on! Come on!

No way
this is the shrimp.

Wow, it is!

Hurry Up, Shrimp,
Hurry up, Shrimp

Hurry Up, Hurry Up,
Hurry Up, Shrimp.

Well, I'm very proud
of you, Peter.

And since you were so well
behaved at the dentist,

you can order
anything you want.

Oh, Dad, when do I get
to go to the dentist?

When you're older, Chris.

Good evening,
countrymen.

And women.
Oh!

Welcome to
The Founding Father.

Hey, little guy.

You know,
that's a real treasure map you've got there.

Okay, well, I guess treasure
hunting isn't for everyone.

Treasure, you say?

Ah, yes.
You see, legend has it

that Quahog founder
Miles "Chatterbox" Musket

hid his fortune
in fear of it being taken

by British soldiers
during the Revolutionary War.

He died before
he could retrieve it,

and left behind only this map.

Many believe his treasure
is still buried

right here in Rhode Island.

Okay, I'm gonna
go do diarrhea,

and then I'll be right back
to take your order.

Lois, I know where this is!

Peter, please,
that's just a place mat

to distract your children
while you're eating.

There's no treasure.
Well, what if there is?

Ah, see?
Surprised you with that one.

You see, you see that rock
next to the "X"?

I know that rock, Lois...
it's right near Route 2.

I'm finding that treasure.
Peter, the map is a joke.

You're being played
for a fool.

Like George McFly.

Hey, Lorraine,

whatever happened to that guy
Marty from high school?

Don't know.
Never saw him after the prom.

Really? Sure you didn't run into him,
oh, say, about 16 years ago?

George, what are
you talking about?

I'm talking about
the fact that our son,

who you insisted we name
after that guy Marty,

looks exactly like him!

You think I'm an idiot?
That I wouldn't notice

that our son is a dead ringer
for the guy who fixed us up?

Mom, Dad, I accidentally set
fire to the living room rug!

I am not going easy on him!

Hey, guys, who wants to dig
for buried treasure with me?

What? What are you
talking about?

Well, this child's
place mat is telling me

to dig for buried treasure
by the side of the highway.

Who's in?

Aw, forget it, Peter.
That's crazy talk.

Yeah, we're not going along with
another one of your stupid ideas.

I don't have
stupid ideas.

Haven't you seen my
documentary film?

Each year,
the environment covers

more than 40% of the Earth.

Every animal on Earth
lays eggs.

This is a birch tree.

Today it will begin
its 10,000-mile journey.

The Earth neither
hates nor loves,

but sits, waiting patiently,
for people to do famous stuff.

Peter, it's time
to come home.

You been out here
digging all day.

I-I told you this whole thing
was ridiculous.

What the hell was
I thinking, anyway?

I must be some
kind of idiot.

What was that?

Holy crap!
Lois, it's the treasure!

Oh, my God!

Peter, you were right!

Oh, no, it's the one kid

who also followed
the treasure map.

I don't believe it!

There really was something
buried out there!

Well, it's not the treasure,
but it looks like

it's a clue
to where the treasure is.

"Face the circle
in the square,

you'll see me,
I'll show you where."

Interesting.

Interesting, interesting.

Okay, well, if there is
a treasure out there,

we don't want anybody else
to know about it.

None of this leaves this room, okay?
Obviously.

We're not idiots, Brian.

Hey, look!
Dad's on TV!

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker,

here with local fortune seeker
Peter Griffin, who appears

to have found a clue
to a hidden treasure.

That's right, Tom,
and I sincerely hope

that the caption beneath me

doesn't say "Local Fatty."
Let's do something about that caption.

All right, well, you can check
out the clue at our Web site:

We were a little late
getting a Web site.

Quick, Neil! Sign into
the neighbors' Wi-Fi

so we can get that clue.

Nurse, write down that clue,
and then go out in the waiting room and...

maybe start lowering
expectations.

Treasure?!

Yeah, baby?

Bring me a grape wine.

Peter, what the hell!

Now everyone has the clue!

Why would you do that?

Because I'm tired
of people saying

I don't know nothin'.
Everyone doubted me,

so I wanted to rub it
in their faces that I was right.

All right, where is it?

Give me that!
Is this all there was?

Yeah, is there
anything else

we should know before
we start looking?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is our thing.

We're not sharing
this with anyone.

Peter, come on,
are you serious?

If Joe or I found this, we'd
want you right alongside us.

Well, yeah, we're
like peas in a pod.

Wait-wait.
Don't go in there.

He's doing his podcast.

Oh, that's cute.

Now, that I like.

What do you think about this,
you old bag?

Oh, no.

Look, you guys
doubted me, mocked me,

constantly handled my Eggo
despite my clear instructions,

and now you want a
piece of my treasure?

I don't think so. Well, fine!
We don't need you anyway!

Peter, I don't like this.

It seems like this treasure

is already turning people
against each other.

Hang on, you guys.

I think I might have
figured something out.

"The circle in the square."

That could be the clock
in the town square.

Wow, that... You're right!
Brian, that could be it!

Well, let's get down there
before anyone else does.

Son of a bitch!
Everyone's already here!

Let's see, "Face
the circle in the square."

"Face the circle."

"Face."

Okay, the gesturing
needs to stop.

No one else is doing that.

Look!
When you face this way,

you're looking at
the statue of Miles Musket.

Crap, you guys, there's
already other people here.

They must have
figured it out, too.

You're right.
Okay, gather round, kids.

Family suicide.

Look... there's a plaque!

"This square
shall forever honor

"the memory of my son,
Timmy Musket.

"Always a chip
off the old Block.

"May he rest in peace.

Miles 'Chatterbox' Musket."

Wait... when I played Jane Musket
in the school play

the last three weekends...
thanks for coming...

I couldn't.
I had a thing.

I had a lot of
dog stuff that day.

Yeah, weekends I like
to spend with my kids.

I learned that
Timmy Musket is buried

in a cemetery
on Block Island.

I remember it because
my big speech was, "Timmy..."

Meg, please.

That must be what "chip off
the old Block" means!

That's it!
Meg, take the car home!

Your mother and I are taking
the ferry to Block Island!

Chris, we need to find that
treasure for ourselves.

What do you mean?

Even if Dad finds
the treasure,

he's not gonna share.

He'll just blow
through it all.

Maybe you're right.

I mean, last time
we came into some money,

he just wasted it
on all those

diamond pinkie rings
for everybody.

What?!

Uh, well, uh, yeah,
we should probably go.

What the hell?
Where are they going?

Oh, forget them.
They're dead weight.

If this treasure's going
to be found,

it's up to you
and me, Brian.

What do you mean?
Come on! You think

the fat man's gonna
figure out those clues?

He's an idiot.
Yeah, I guess you're right.

Yes, I mean,
he's the guy

who put all those
little bald men in incubators

because he thought
they were babies.

Look at you.

You came early,
but you're gonna make it.

I'm a senior vice president
at an investment firm!

Oh, someone's a fussy britches.

Sailing

Takes me away

To where I've always

Heard it could be...

Want half a Mounds bar?

What?

Who eats a Mounds bar?

I do.
My whole life, I don't think

I've ever seen a single
person eat a Mounds bar.

Well, you're about
to see one now.

So, you walk
into a store,

you see the hundreds
of options for candy,

and you choose
a Mounds bar?

Yep.

So what is it you like?

The coconut?
The chocolate?

Yeah.
Both those things.

How long you been
eating 'em?

Uh, I've probably
been having a Mounds bar

two or three times a day
for the last 25 years.

Geez, no wonder
you can't walk!

You have total
renal shutdown!

Your kidneys are
drowning in a stew

of chocolate and coconut!

Give me that!

What are you doing?

Why are your nipples
poking into me?

Sorry. That happens
when I'm cold.

But why are there
three of them?

There aren't.

Two of them are moles.

Those numbers
still don't add up!

Why the hell are we taking
a hot air balloon?

I don't think we're anywhere
near Block Island.

Oh, I know.
We passed that miles ago.

What? Well, then what
about the treasure?

Two friends sailing in
the sky in a wicker basket

with a strange man
holding a cheese plate?

This is the treasure, Bri.

You want a Vicodin?

Isn't it dangerous to do drugs
10,000 feet in the air?

Yeah. Exactly.

What the hell?!

Never gonna die!

Your friend is, like,
the coolest guy

I've ever had up here.

Oh, damn it, Lois,
they're already here!

This is all your fault!

What?! How is this my fault?

Because you just had
to stop for ice cream!

Then you get in there,
and you order

like you never
heard of food before!

Oh, "Coffee Fudge Swirl with
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups."

Oh, I wonder
what's in that!

You just listed off
all the ingredients!

Everything you just said
is what's in that!

Well, I hate to say it,
but I guess

we're supposed
to dig this kid up.

Any volunteers?

I dig kids.

All of you,
hold it right there!

If anyone's digging

into this little kid's grave,
it's me!

You're too late.
We got here first.

No, it's my treasure hunt!

I found the first clue!

You guys are just horning in!

You guys, calm down!

See, this is what
I was talking about.

You can't desecrate
a child's grave!

Don't worry, Lois.

We're gonna do it
with reverence.

Hey, how about
a little digging song?

Little Peter Griffin

Diggin' up a casket

Shovelful of dirt
and bop ya on the head.

I didn't care for
the end of that song.

Oh, my God!
The treasure's in the casket!

Come on, Meg,
let's get it!

My treasure!

Oh, my God!
You hit your own son!

That's it, Peter.

I am not gonna stand here
and be a part of this madness.

You're on your own,
because I quit!

Chris, Meg,
we're going home.

Well, good! You were just
slowing me down anyway!

You, Asian lady,
you're the new Lois.

I will have one scoop of mint
chocolate chip in a waffle cone.

You are a practical,
straightforward people.

What do you guys think
is in here?

Sounds like books.

Oh, my God!

Feels so weird to be
looking at a dead kid

and not have angry
parents nearby.

Hey, look! There's something
written inside the lid.

"You've crossed the miles,
you've pawed through clues.

Find where he hits, misses,
cheers and boos."

By the way, for those
who came on my boat,

I have those
sandwiches.

"Hits, misses,
cheers, and boos."

Could be... baseball?

And "pawed through clues."

Could it be Paw... tucket?

The Pawtucket Red Sox play
at McCoy Stadium.

Quagmire, let's get
to that stadium!

Eh! Lois took the bike.

Hey, wait a minute.

This is a great time for me
to do my Suzuki Samurai promo!

Are you a Hawaii scumbag?

Do you chug energy drinks
in Arizona?

Suzuki Samurai...
ninja name, garbage car.

You sons of bitches,
this is my...

Oh, my God, look at 'em.

Lois was right.

This treasure hunt has
turned them all into animals.

There's more
where that came from, mister!

He was right.
There was more!

Oh, look who's back...
the grave robber.

Hey, Lois.

So, what happened?
You find your treasure?

No. I realized something
after you left.

It's not the treasure
that matters.

All that really matters
is the money you get

in exchange
for the treasure.

I guess I had
to learn that the hard way.

Peter, you were a real jerk
out there!

I know.

You were right.

I took this thing way too far.

And I'm really sorry about
how I treated you and the kids.

But you know me.

If I read anything
on a place mat,

I just kind of go nuts.

Can you forgive me?

Chris forgave me.

I can't wait for you
to fall asleep tonight.

Of course I
forgive you, Peter.

So I guess everyone else came
to their senses, too, huh?

No, they all ran off
to McCoy Stadium.

What? Why? What's
at McCoy Stadium?

Ah, there was a clue
at the graveyard.

Here, I took a picture
with my phone.

Oh, it's the
next picture.

Just swipe it
to the next one.

She saw me.

"You've crossed the miles,
you've pawed through clues.

Find where he hits,
misses, cheers and boos."

Peter, this can't be leading
them to a baseball stadium.

Baseball wasn't invented
until the 1800s.

Wow, you're really smart, Lois.

You know, Peter,
in the first eight minutes

of Meg's play,
before I walked out,

they said Miles Musket
was a horrible drunk

and a wife beater.

So, when it says,
"hits, misses,"

it might be talking
about hitting Mrs. Musket.

And he probably misspelled
"missus"

because he was drunk
when he wrote it.

Or maybe he misspelled it
because cursive is hard,

and everyone should
get off his back.

And "cheers" and "boos"
might be referring to a bar

where he would "cheers,"
and drink his "booze."

"Hits missus,
cheers and booze."

Wait a minute... it's got
to be an old bar, right?

The Clam's
the oldest bar in town.

That must be
where the treasure is!

All right, let's you
put some makeup on

and get right down
to The Clam!

Oh, no, they're closed.

Hang on. I got an idea.

But you have to believe.

What?
You have to believe.

Say you believe.

Okay. I believe.

This is worse than the time
we were in The Clam right now.

Yes!

Peter, look!

That's Miles Musket!

It is?
Yes!

How have you never seen
this painting before?

Lois, I'm completely hammered
every time I'm in here.

We did it!

We found the treasure!

You know what, Peter?

Why don't you open it?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, okay,
I'll-I'll open it.

Here, hold this.

"Congratulations.

"You have won
The Founding Father Restaurant

"Treasure Hunt Challenge.

"Please enjoy one free meal

"at select
Founding Father locations.

Expires May 16, 2006."

Wait a second.
What year is it?

It's 2013, Peter.

So that's...
It's before.

The coupon's no good.

Oh, man!

Um, this sucks worse

than when I went
to that strip club without Lois.

Yay!

Well, Peter, I hope
you're not disappointed

we didn't find
any treasure.

No, it's fine.

You know, the important thing is

we figured out
those clues together.

I mean, so what
we won't be able to pay

to fix them veins
in your legs.

You're my treasure, Lois,

and I want you
on my team for everything.

Except for sports.

Me too, Peter.

I love you.

I love you, too, Lois.

No way that's the shrimp.