Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 19 - Save the Clam - full transcript

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

All right, Drunken
Clammers, this is it,

the most important
game of the season.



Now, is everybody drunk?

Completely.
Okay, good.

And did nobody warm up?

Good. 'Cause there's nothing
an unstretched middle-aged body

likes more than
explosive movements.

Now remember, we're here
to impress the girlfriends

of guys we barely know,

so when you get the ball,
throw it like a cannon.

You must throw your arm out
on every play.

Any other softball-related
questions?

Yeah, l got a question:

Can we leave
our bad-for-the-environment

Styrofoam coolers behind
when we leave?

Yes, you must
leave them behind,



and they must be
in a crumbly mess

so that the city clean-up
workers have to chase

the little bits
when the wind blows.

You know, Stewie, this is
actually a good park.

I've found a lot
of old tennis balls here.

Eh, l don't care
for this place.

Last time l was here,

I accidentally walked
into a Spanish picnic.

Excuse me, has anyone seen
a toy car around here?

Ooh. Es baby.

I make beautiful.

Don't get any ideas
about Julio.

I'm his number one.

Here comes
Goldman's Pharmacy.

Can you fill out a prescription
for us for diarrhea?

We're about to get the runs!

Oh, yeah?
Well, speaking of things

that are brown and can run,

meet our new teammate!

Holy crap.
They got a ringer.

What the hell?
Jerome's on your team?

That's right.
We got to know each other

while l was following
him around my store.

What's up, fools?
I'd like to dedicate

my performance today
to Miss Whitney Houston.

Oh, we are.

Come on, Jerome!

Get a hit so l can bring

a sports trophy home
for my parents!

Jeffrey Lipsitz
has two soccer medals!

I can't play soccer-
I have newborn-calf ankles!

You know this, damn it!

I'm gonna tear the cover
off this ball.

But, hang on, first l got
to adjust myself.

Are you having
a nice morning, dear?

Oh, yes, l love living here,
in the next town over.

All right, chick batter!

Everyone bring it in!

Bring it on in!

Get a hit, babe!

You know it, babe.

All right, move it back!
Move it back!

Peter, why do you look
so nervous?

I promised a kid in the hospital
I'd hit a home run for him.

Sorry, l struck
out looking.

Wait, you're not
the kid l promised.

No, he died last night.

Oh, phew.

All right, guys, one more out
and the game is ours.

Come on, Horace!
Strike him out!

Horace! You okay?

Oh, my God!
He's really hurt bad!

You're out of the baseline,
by the way.

You're out. Game's over.

But, oh, my God,
Horace is really hurt.

He's dead.

Let him rest in peace.

Let's put
some leaves on him

and go get some ice cream.

I can't believe Horace is dead.

I can't believe we left Brian
in the car with the windows up.

I'm gonna pee!

Listen, l just
feel awful about this.

Horace was a good bartender
and a good guy.

I wish there was something
I could do.

Well, we know you
didn't mean it, Jerome.

It's just a
terrible situation.

Like when you're the
only one at the table

where the waiter doesn't
say, "Good order."

I'Il have the halibut.
Ah, great choice.

One of the chef's specialties;
you'Il love it.

It was caught fresh less
than ten miles from here.

I'Il have the New York
stristeak.

Mmm! My absolute
favorite dish here.

It is a spectacular cut,
superbly seasoned

and the marbling is some
of the best l've ever seen.

And l'Il have
the chicken.

Mm-hmm.

Good afternoon.

I'd just like to say that...

before today, l didn't know
the Munsters were driving around

in a funeral car.

I'm beginning to think
everything on that show

was a big joke.

I'd, um... l'd just like...

Whe... When you lose...

Um, there's
so... There's so mu...

There's so much...

Thank you, Quagmire.

Perhaps there are some men who
would like to say a few words.

Horace owned the Clam
for over 30 years.

During that time,
he touched all of our lives.

He was a great bartender
and a great friend.

And so let us take
a look back on his life

through this video
commemorating all the DUl's

that he was responsible for.

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life

Pass you by

Ouch.

Is there a bathroom in here?

I've been yo-yoing a turd
for the last 20 minutes.

Oh, sorry.

I was looking
for the bathroom.

I shouldn't have left
the door open.

Sorry if you're grossed out
by this.

No. No, no, l'm just...

not used to seeing corpses
that big and not in a toilet.

Oh, here, let me
helyou with that.

There you go.

Now you're all set
for your big day.

Thanks. You know, l could use
some part-time helhere

preparing the bodies,
if you're interested.

Really? Yeah,
that'd-that'd be great.

I could use the money,

and l'm getting kind of
tired of my old job.

Only a half a point
divides our totwo competitors

as we enter the last event,
the Meg Roll.

You think it's cool
to go drinking

right after Horace's funeral?

Of course. It's what
he would've wanted.

Listen, we all
got to move on.

Like the Secret Service did
on November 23, 1963.

All right, guys,
I know that yesterday

was a rough one for us.

But it's with great pride

that l'm gonna turn this zero
into a one.

All right!

Nichols, you should
go home and change.

What the hell?
Hey, pal, what're you doing?

This is our bar.

Not anymore.

Horace owed more
than this place is worth,

so it's the bank's now.

I'm sorry but The Drunken Clam
is permanently closed.

Closed?!

That was the start
of the dark times.

The banks took our bars, our
businesses and then our homes.

A change had to be made.

A change only one man
could make.

lam the Wind Maker...

...and l shoot monkeys now.

We now return
to Joanie Loves Chris Brown.

Joanie! Chris!

Welcome to the party.
Can l offer you some punch?

No, thanks. l had
some in the car.

Joanie Loves
Chris Brown was taped in front

of 0 very uncomfortable
studio audience.

Man, it really sucks
they closed down the Clam.

Yeah, but I... l mean,
this is good, right?

I mean, as long as we got a
place to drink and a restroom

for businessmen to have
homosexual encounters.

Hey, thanks for the sex.

Thank you for notarizing
those documents.

Peter, what's
going on down here?

Why are there beer bottles
all over the floor?

Well, we needed a new spot
to drink, Lois.

Forget it, Peter.

You're not turning our
living room into a bar.

Oh, come on, Lois, we got
to have a place to drink.

Drinking is the only thing

holding this friendship
together.

Everything we try to do sober
just ends badly.

I just don't think a good way
to start a screenplay is,

"400 years ago
in Bethesda, Maryland."

Yeah, and don't you think it's
confusing that every character

in the movie is named Movie Guy?
Come on, you guys.

The Oscars are next week,
so let's get this done.

Meg, l'm needed upstairs,
so l'Il let you finish up.

Just put some blush
here and here.

It makes the eyes look
a little less dead and hollow.

Wow, that really works.

Hmm. Maybe l'Il try
that on myself.

Oh, uh... you have what we call
a "closed casket face."

Hey, Meg,
who's your date?

He looks like a real stiff.

Chris, what the hell
are you doing here?

I told you not to
bother me at work.

I got locked out of the house,
and l need your key.

No way! You get to work
with all these dead people?

Hey, look,
this guy's picking his nose.

Look, now he's eating it!

Chris! Knock it off!

You're gonna get me
in trouble!

Meg, they're dead.

Would you stobeing so uptight?

You're like one
of those Asian-Americans

who fought in Vietnam.

Oh, it's just me.

Peter, l thought you were taking
us to a new drinking spot.

What are we doing at the Clam?
Look, guys,

we tried other bars,
we tried drinking at home,

we even tried the big
end-of-the-year

high school party
that will change everything.

If we don't lose our
virginity tonight,

we're never gonna
make it in college!

Hey, where's Peter?

Only talking to Amanda Small,
the hottest girl in school.

But aren't you going out
with Joanne Fuller?

JoJo? No, she's my neighbor.
I've known her forever.

She works at her dad's garage.

She's practically a guy.

JoJo?!

Looking from
a window above... P

Hi, Peter.

But l thought you was workin'
on your garbage sculpture.

There was someone
I had to see first.

Sorry, Amanda.
By the law of '80s movies,

a newly transformed tomboy

supersedes your
long-standing hotness.

And all l ever knew

Only you...

Let's face it- there's only
one drinking spot for us,

and it's the Clam.
But, Peter, it's closed.

We can't go in there.

Quagmire, when a girl
says she doesn't want

to have sex with you,
do you take that as an answer?

My lawyer has advised me
not to answer that question.

Look, l bet you could squeeze
through that window.

It's not even locked.

And all the booze
is still in there.

Come on, guys,
this is trespassing

and it's against the law.

Maybe we should
just let the Clam go

and, l don't know,
spend more time

with our families.

Yeah, l tried that.

I just spend most of the time

testing Chris to see
if he's autistic.

No!

Not overly affectionate.

Guys, this is where we belong.

Yeah, no question
about that.

Yeah, we got roots here.

We've been coming
to this place for 15 years.

Our roots go back
further than that.

My grandfather
used to bring me here

when l was a kid.

And his grandfather
brought him here.

Good day, gentlemen!

Welcome to the Drunken Clam!

Can l get you boys
a mug of stout?

Why, certainly.

This is a bully establishment
you've got here.

The doors are a little short,

but that's okay,

because we're smaller back now.

To the Clam!

Hear, hear!

And to brain-damaging
venereal disease.

I wake uwith blood
on my penis pillow.

I'm gonna go insane

in a wheelchair,
staring at the sea.

This is everything about..

If it's the Clam, l love it.

I was just
gonna... that's exactly.

Hey, uh, remember...
remember-remember when...

remember when... remember
when Quicktime here

passed out in this...
in this booth...

this booth,
and we did stuff to him

that you do to ladies
and we-we promised

we'd never tell you.

Wha...?

To the Clam!

Joe, you- wha...
your hair looks stupid.

All... all the greatest...

all the greatest
moments of my life,

I spent right here
in-in this booth.

Maggie's first word.

Bart jumping that canyon.

Mr. Plow.

All the greatest
moments of my life.

Why is... why is Label Guy

trying to punch me?

Punch you first, Label Guy.

I got to go peg

I don't want to get up.

Joe, where's the... that thing?

Where's the thing?
Where's the catheter thing?

No, it's mine,
it's private.

Hey, what happens
if l blow in this end?

Don't, l'Il 'splode.

I'm gonna.

You do it better
than Bonnie.

It takes a man
to know what a man likes.

Meg, the Dougan family
called and they now want

Mr. Dougan in a gray suit
for the wake tomorrow.

'Cause it so matters.

Could you change
his suit, please?

Sure.
I'Il be back in a bit.

Oh... my... God!

All right, Chris,
where is it?

And don't try to act like

you don't know what
I'm talking about.

Fine, you caught me.

So l borrowed your bra.

My boobs hurt when l
go down the stairs!

No, not that, you idiot.

Where is the dead body?

I know you took it.

And don't lie, or l'Il
tell Jennifer Connelly

that you're the one
who's been mailing her

those dog heads.

Uh, yes, l'd like
to mail this to a whore.

Okay, fine, Meg!

I used the body to get me
into R-rated movies.

After that,
I took him swimming

and he fell apart.

Chris, Mr. Dougan's
wake is tomorrow,

and there's going to be
a body in that casket.

If it's not his,
it's going to be yours.

Hey, guvs,
what's goin' on?

And no one says anything,

which means they hate it.

Oh, God.

I am so hung over.

Me, too.

But luckily,
when l'm hung over,

I can just molt
into another Peter.

Wow, that's amazing.

Yeah, but for the next
ten minutes,

I'Il be very vulnerable
to predators.

Mountain lion.

Make yourself look big!

What the hell?

There's a bunch
of bulldozers out there.

Hold it, hold it!
What-what's going on?

We're here to
demolish this building

by order of the bank.

Like hell you are!

Wh-What are you
talking about, Peter?

We ain't goin' nowhere.

This bar belongs to us.

Ice cream truck!

You didn't get any ice cream?

The ice cream man
was handsome.

I got nervous.

We interrupt this program

for a Channel Five
breaking news report.

Three local men
have barricaded themselves

inside a Quahog bar,
and are currently

in a standoff with authorities.

We now go live to Joyce Kinney,

who attended her sister's
wedding last night.

Thanks, Tom.

One of the suspects has been

identified as Peter Griffin.

But the real story is,

I'd be married, too,

if l were willing
to date a Persian.

Guys, they found him.

Don't bother
with the posters.

My God,
what is Peter thinking?!

Yes, he's crazy as
a serial killer.

All right, what do you
want for your last meal?

Uh, l think l'Il
just have a salad.

Dressing on the side.

I had a huge last lunch.

All right, listen uin there!

Let's not make this
any harder than it has to be.

We have a lot of dumb cops here.

Guys, this is crazy.

Plus, l'm a cop.

I can't be a part of this.

Come on, Joe, this is our bar.

It's where the three of us
made that suicide pact

that Quagmire and l are gonna
back out of at the last minute.

I'm sorry, guys,
but it's my job.

I got a family to support.

That jerk!

How could he desert us?

Relax, Quagmire,
he's just doing his job.

You'Il forgive him.

Just like Kathleen Turner
forgave her mirror.

Sorry.

Turns out you were
right about me.

Officer, wait!

I'm his wife;
give me that bullhorn.

Peter, you get out here
right now,

or else l'm throwing away

all of your
Mr. Potato Heads, l swear.

It's okay, she only knows
where the decoys are.

Swanson, there you are.

Listen, you hang out
at this dump.

I want you to go in there
and end this thing.

I'Il do my best, sir.

PETER".
This is our bar.

It's the cornerstone
of our friendship.

Joe, this is Tim Gunn.

I agree with your friend.

I got to get that guy
out of my head.

Look, they're sending Joe in.

All right, listen up, fellas.

Joe, wait, put your gun down.

There's no point
in fighting anymore.

We'Il leave quietly.

Like hell you will.

This is our Clam,

and we are not
gonna let them take it.

Yay! All right!
All right! Yeah!

We love Joe!

Swanson, what the hell's
going on in here?

I'm sorry, Chief.

I just can't let them
bulldoze this building.

Hey, Joe, is this
the same chief

whose wife is a real hog?

Swanson, don't be a fool.

You really want to throw away
your career on this?

Guys, your bar is gone.

And since
it's bank property,

I have no choice but to place
you all under arrest.

It ain't
bank property no more.

Jerome?!
What are you doing here?

Listen, it's kind of
all my fault

this happened
in the first place.

I'm responsible
for Horace's death.

Plus, as a former athlete,
it's my responsibility

to invest my earnings
in a restaurant, bar,

or car dealership.

What sport did you play?

Lacrosse.

Which is also
my brother's name.

Look, l felt bad
about what l did to Horace.

So, when l heard on the news

that they were tearing down
his bar,

I saw buying it as a way
to carry on Horace's legacy.

So l own the Clam now.

Chief, you can call
off your cops.

And you can send those
bulldozers home.

Yay, the Clam is saved!

Yeah! All right.

We pulled it off, guys.

Oh, thank God.

And all because
I believed in myself

like Pop-Poalways said.

Please give me rat poison,

I want only to die.

No, we did it, Pop-Pop.

Meg, the family is here

for Mr. Dougan's wake,

so could you please
bring in the body?

Meg, l'm not doing this.

You have to, Chris.

Siblings have to look
out for each other.

Like the Mannings.

Eli, you threw
for three touchdowns today,

which isn't bad,
except Peyton had four.

Well, Cooper got pre-approved
for a Visa card today.

Come on, guys,
we all had a good day.

Stoit.

I have an itch.

I don't care.

Dead people don't
scratch their balls.

Well, l can't helit.

It's these damn wool pants.

I'm going bananas.

If l can't scratch them,
you have to.

Shh!

Just, uh, straightening out
his pants a little.

Oh, yeah...
yeah, that's good.

Scratch it. Scratch it.

Oh, thank you.

Hello, l'm Helen Dougan.

My husband had filled out
an organ donor card

before he passed away,

and a woman just lost
her face in a freak accident.

Meg, though you cannot tell,
lam frowning.

Wow, Jerome, the
place looks great.

Yeah, look at you,
owning a bar.

You guys are doing
pretty good.

First you get to run
Somalia, now this.

Well, it sure is good

to be back in the old Clam.

Hey, there's some guys
sitting in our booth.

Maybe we should tell them
it's our booth.

Uh-huh. Or we could just sit on the
floor, next to these garbage cans.