Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 18 - Total Recall - full transcript

Peter, come on, it's
time to wake up.

You got to get to work.

Uh, Lois, l ain't feeling good.

Peter, what happened
to your voice?

It-lt's so deep.

I think l'm sick.

Well, you don't
sound like yourself.

In fact, you sound
kind of hot.

I just threw up
two chicken gyros out my nose.

They're on your side of the bed.

Oh, say that again.



But l want you to
keep talking to me

in that sexy voice
while we do it.

Okay, great.

Let's pretend
you're a tollbooth worker,

and l'm molesting you.

Okay.

I don't have any change.

Now take off that parka.

Uh-uh-uh.

You're gonna have
to pay a high toll

if you want to get
into this tunnel.

Come on,
don't say stuff like that.

I want you to be scared,
not make puns.

Hey, hey



Hey, hey, hey.

Good afternoon, l'm Tom Tucker.

For those of you who turned out

to see my stand-up comedy debut
at Zany's last night,

I again apologize
for what l said about Moroccans.

But today's breaking news

is that the New England Toy
and Game Company

has issued an immediate recall
of all of its stuffed bears,

like the one shown here.

The bear's eyes
can become easily detached

and pose a potential
choking hazard.

Oh, my God, that's the same
teddy bear Stewie has.

We got to send that thing
back right away.

Boy, l wonder
if there's anything more

on Channel Two about this.

Our top story, Channel Five
News anchor, Torn Tucker,

has a meltdown
at a local comedy club.

Look at you, you fat,
gross Moroccans

with your ooga-booga food.

Oh, my God, that
was amazing.

I'm gonna have to
crawl to the bathroom.

Yeah, that was incredible.

It was the first time
I had an orgasm

out the front and back.

God, Peter, this voice of
yours is really something.

Oh, l can't get
enough of it.

Yeah, it's been pretty great.

You know,
I even won a deep voice contest

with Joe yesterday.

I heard you coming.

I made myself heard.

Where have you come from?

I've come from
where l've been.

You still riding with that
mangy polecat Fletcher?

Fletcher met the
long arm of the law

at the wrong end of a shotgun
and the deep end of a grave

at the far end of
a dead-end road.

Winner!

Well, l should
probably get going.

Me, Joe and Quagmire
are going bowling again.

We got a big tournament
coming up next week.

Well, hurry
back, handsome.

Oh, Peter, this
is so much fun.

I feel like l have
a secret lover

nobody else knows about.

Just like Carly Simon.

Ms. Simon, enough
years have gone by

since you wrote your classic
hit, "You're So Vain."

Don't you think it's
time to tell the world

who that song was
written about?

No. That will always be a secret
between me and him.

You're so vain

You probably think this song
is about you

You're so vain
You're so vain.

Come on, Rupert, let's go.

This is the first day
we're allowed

to the end of the driveway,

and l intend
to take full advantage.

Rupert?

Rupert?

Hey, What's going on?

Brian, l can't find
Rupert anywhere.

Have you seen him?

Oh, l thought Lois
would've told you.

She sent him back
to the factory.

What? Why?!

She was afraid he
was gonna choke you.

Oh, that was
a game we played.

Believe me,
I was in control the whole time.

No, the company
issued a recall.

But don't worry, they
sent a replacement.

Here, the guy just
delivered it.

Replacement?

What the hell is this?

What? Come on,
he's a cute little giraffe.

Maybe you could call him,
like, Gizmo or something.

Oh, look, he can fly.

Whoosh.

I hate him.

His mouth is always open
like P. Diddy.

Well, what do you mean?

You ever notice how
in every photo of P. Diddy,

his mouth is hanging open?

Well, actually, Diddy hired a
guy to close his mouth for him.

I'm telling you, this kid
is the next Justin Bieber.

Young girls love him, but
he makes real music that...

Sorry l'm late.

Traffic.

Good morning, Lois!

How's it going, Brian?

Peter, what happened
to your voice?

Oh, ho, ho.

You know what happened,
you sexy minx.

My white blood cells
attacked the pathogens

and created antibodies,
and then the pathogens

were filtered out
by my kidneys into my urine

and then expelled from my body,
you slut.

Peter, not now.

What the hell, Lois?

Yesterday you were
all over me.

And then, for a confusing
period, inside of me.

I had no control over what
I did yesterday, Peter.

I mean, l'm glad
you're feeling better,

but, boy, that sick
voice of yours was hot.

Damn it,
this sucks, Brian.

I was getting laid
left and right.

Yeah, sounds like being sick
was really working for you.

Well, you know
what l got to do?

I got to make myself sick again
and get that voice back.

Peter, that might
be the worst idea

anyone has ever had.

Well, you're wrong there.

The worst idea anyone ever had
was silver bullets.

Barbara Liebowitz's husband just
bought her a diamond brooch.

You know how he
afforded that?

He uses regular bullets.

Meg, have you seen Dad?

Yeah, he's at the dentist.

He's trying to get sick.

Okay, go ahead
and spit.

It's okay, go ahead.

All right, Chris,

I figured out a great
way to get sick.

I'm gonna be a woman at work
who cannot get sick right now.

Sweetie, maybe you
need to go home.

I'm not going home.

I cannot get sick right now.

I have way too much to do.

It's okay, everyone
will understand.

No. l cannot get sick
right now.

There's Kendra's birthday
and the baby shower,

and with this move, l-l just
cannot get sick right now.

I have to finish typing this...

typing this...

That's it; l'm
taking you home.

You did this to me!

Miss Lohan!
Lindsay!

Over here, Lindsay!

Excuse me, which one was
Lindsay Lohan's dessert fork?

I think it
was that one.

Give me cocaine!

The History Channel presents

Where in World War Two
is Waldo?

Do l sound sexy?

Tell me l sound sexy.

Peter, what the hell?
You look terrible.

Clear off the couch, kids.

I'm gonna do your mother
right here.

Oh, my God, Peter!

Oh, l'm leaving.

I cannot get
sick right now.

Dr. Hartman,
is Peter gonna be okay?

If one more person
asks me about a patient today,

I'm gonna scream.

What time is it?

Peter, what are you doing?

Get back in bed.

I can't, Lois.

I got the bowling
tournament this afternoon.

Quagmire and Joe
are counting on me.

Forget about bowling, Peter.

You're very sick.

You're not going anywhere.

But if l don't go,
we'Il have to forfeit.

I'm sorry, but you need
to stay here and get better.

Well, then, you're gonna
have to bowl for me.

What?

Peter, l haven't bowled
since college.

Please, you got to do
me this favor, Lois.

You owe me from when l took you
to see Shakespeare in the Park,

even though it was
the part of the park

where the gay guys
go to have sex.

To be, or not to be...

Aah!

Aah! Right there!

Ignore that;
that's not part of the play.

That is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler...

This isn't
love, by the way.

Brian, get your keys.

I need you to drive me
to that toy factory

so l can get Rupert back.

Stewie, Lois sent him back
'cause he's not safe.

But, Brian, l miss him!

Without Rupert, I...

Are you watching
porn in the kitchen?

Come on, man,
we eat in here.

Anyway, l need you to
drive me to Middleborough.

Middleborough? That's, like,
two hours from here.

I'm not doing that.
Come on, Brian.

Tell you what, you drive
me to Middleborough,

and l'Il teach you my secret
to picking up chicks.

Hey.

You-me, ba-boom, huh?

Thanks for filling
in for Peter, Lois.

Yeah, okay, but l hope
you brought it today,

'cause this ain't
no ladies' lunch.

Well, l'Il certainly do
the best l can.

But don't worry, Glenn,

I'm one woman who knows
a thing or two about sports.

Yeah, l know you think you are.

Your softball chatter
made that quite clear.

Okay, that's two down, guys,
two outs.

Two out of the three outs
required.

Okay, guys, let's go.

Tom Brady is a quarterback.

Okay, heads up, two down.

College football is on Saturday.

Okay, come on, look alive.

NBA players
are predominantly black.

Oh, hi, Lois.

What are you doing here?

I'm filling in
for Peter.

He's sick.

All right,
finally a little harpoon

in the bowling alley.

All right, what do you say
we get this thing started, huh?

Nice roll, Lois!

My God.

If she chews gum,
she's got the whole package.

Yes!
That's what l'm talking about!

Take that, you jagoffs!

I hope you die!

God, Quagmire gets so
competitive with sports.

Hey, Quagmire,
it's just a game.

Take it easy.

I'm not gonna take it easy!

These guys are going down!

You're going down
in front of all these people!

All right, Lois,
it's all up to you.

We only need six to
beat the Pinheads.

And it would be four

if someone could've hit
that seven-ten split, right?

Joe!

Joe, Joey, Joey,
Joey, Joe, Joey, Joe!

Yes!
Yeah!

Yeah! We did it!

Oh, what's this?
What's this?

It says right here we won!

We won, you dicks!
You suck!

Um, excuse me,
would you mind keeping it down?

We're having my son's
birthday party over here.

Yeah, sure, sure,
sure, honey.

What's his name?
Mikey.

Happy birthday, Mikey!

Yeah!

Well, this is great.

So when you guys
aren't celebrating

a big bowling victory,
what do you normally do here?

Uh, well,
sometimes we compare women.

Talk about who we'd rather
have sex with.

Oh, that sounds fun.

How do you DEV?

Well, it's like, um-

Okay, who would you rather do,

Kristen Stewart
or Scarlett Johansson?

Oh, definitely
Scarlett Johansson.

For one thing,
there's the boobs,

which Kristen Stewart
does not have.

Also, l get the sense
that Kristen Stewart

is more of a bath person
when she really needs a shower.

She does seem
kind of dirty.

Yeah, someone should write
"wash me"

in the dust
on that flat ass.

Ha!
Ho-ho!

Move over funnyman
Richard Lewis.

We got Richard Lois!

Well, here we are.

Oh, great.
Hey, maybe on the ride home,

someone else can tell
a story.

So what exactly is
your plan here?

I've got it all
figured out, Brian.

This tour will take us
deep into the factory,

and when the time is right,
we'Il slip away and find Rupert.

Does anyone have
any questions so far?

Who's that up there?

Oh, that's our gunman.

Every once in a while,
one of our toys becomes real,

and we have to make sure
it doesn't get out.

Brian, look!
That must be where Rupert is!

Rupert!
My God, you're all right!

Oh, you missed so much!

I had to deliver a speech
to Britain,

and l overcame my stutter
through some pretty kooky means.

Brian, don't say
anything.

Uh, Stewie?

Oh, crap.

This is not the way out!
This is not the way out!

Hey, Horace, get that
wiener out of your hand

and give us three more beers
over here!

Lois, you're always
giving me the business.

Hey, l meant
to tell you guys.

We shot some drug dealer
this morning,

and he had three Red Sox
tickets in his pocket.

That's awesome!

Oh, this'Il be so fun!

You know, if we leave
right now,

we can probably still get there
before the first pitch.

HEY, you guys.

Oh, hey, Peter.
How's it going?

Peter, it's so good
to see you up and around!

Yeah, how ya feeling?

I'm feeling shipshape.

If the ship is
the S.S. Minnow!

Doctor said l'd be
making bland jokes

for about a week,
then l'd be good as new.

Ah, that's good to hear.

Well, we were just on
our way up to Fenway.

Aw, you got tickets?
That's sweet.

You know, there's
no better outing

than watching
nine innings.

Sorry, l'Il perk up
at the game.

Oh, well, actually,
we only have three tickets,

and we're going with Lois.

With Lois?

Oh, yeah, we've actually been

having a great time with her.

And she's quite
a bowler, too.

Is that all right,
Peter?

Do you mind if l go
to the game with the guys?

Yeah, no, that's,
that's fine.

I mean, yeah, you only
got three tickets.

I mean, that's cool.
Have fun.

Okay, we'Il see you later.

Hey, Horace,

why don't you take that
wiener out of your hand

and get me a beer.

Don't talk to me that way,
you son of a bitch!

Oh, hey, Peter!

Oh, hey.

Did you have fun
at the game?

Oh, yeah,
it was so exciting.

They scored the winning hit
right at the buzzer.

I'm sorry you missed it.

Yeah, no,
th-that's okay.

I've just been hanging out here
having a great time with...

Meg?!
Hey.

I thought you was a bag
of peeling potatoes.

Well, maybe next time
you can come

with us when we go
to Red Sock Field.

Nobody calls it that.

Quags and Swanny were so funny
yelling things at the visitors.

Quags and Swanny?!

Lois, it's one thing
to steal my friends,

but don't go giving them
stupid new nicknames.

What are you
talking about?

I didn't steal
your friends, Peter.

I'm only doing
what you asked me to do.

No, l asked you
to take my place

at the bowling
tournament, that's it!

Look, Lois, l have
my friends,

and you have groceries

and all those rusty
pink razors in the shower.

Now just stick to what's
intended for you

and leave my
things to me.

Are you saying
you want me

to stop hanging out
with Joe and Quagmire?

They're my friends.
They're all l got!

And you know
how hard it is

for me to make
new friends.

Is this friends?

Stewie, we're never
gonna find him.

They're all
exactly the same.

Wow. l wish you could hear how
racist you sound right now.

Come on. Can't you give

that giraffe at home
another chance?

You know, for every one
they sell,

they save a giraffe
in the wild.

Sorry, giraffes!
They only bought one!

Nah, they returned it!

And so Lois sweet-talks
her way backstage.

Next thing you know,

we're partying all night
with the trapeze people!

One of them drives a Volvo!

Drives a super-safe car,
does that for a living!

Go figure!

So what? She can name
a kind of car.

Big whoop.
I can do that, too.

Vikki.

Vikki Carr.

Peter, relax.
It just happens

that your wife has some
funny stories, that's all.

Well, l got some
funny stories.

I knew a guy
who choked on an almond.

And he had a stroke.

Now he can't take care
of his own bathroom needs.

That's not funny.
That sounds sad.

Yeah, l feel
bad for him.

Oh, don't feel bad
for him.

He got his name
in the paper.

What?

Please look at me!

What the hell's wrong
with you, Peter?

Nothing. What the hell's
wrong with you, Swanny?

I'm Quags.

I don't know
who any of you are anymore!

Oh, he's really upset.

I haven't seen him like this

since he saw
that Rocky Dennis movie.

Take off the mask!
That's your problem!

Right?

That's it, Brian.
He's not here.

None of these
bears are Rupert.

Stewie...

You don't have
to say it, Brian. l know.

So this is what it feels
like to be a grown-up, huh?

All alone in the world.

Look, Stewie,
nothing lasts forever.

You and Rupert had
some special times together,

and you'Il always have that.

What the deuce?
What's that noise?

I don't know.

Oh, my God!
Brian, look!

That's him!
That's Rupert!

How do you know?

You can't hear
him calling me?

He's calling me,
clear as day!

Ah. Yeah,
now l hear him.

Rupert, yes, we're here
to rescue you!

Stewie, wait!
It's too dangerous!

I won't let it end
like this, Brian!

Don't you give up on me, Rupert!

Hang on, Stewie!
Maybe l can help!

Maybe l can use this helicopter

to knock Rupert off
the conveyor belt...

Ah! Son of a bitch!

Recall room, Brian.
Nothing works in here.

Now come on!
Rupert's in trouble!

Okay, l'm coming, l'm coming.

Almost there.
You can do this, Stewie.

Damn it!

Brian, do something!

Oh, Rupert!
Thank God, you're alive!

I'm... l'm ready now.

I'm ready to get off the pill.

I think we should start trying.

Look, Peter, l think
there's something

we should talk about.

I'm not reading the last page
of that dinosaur book.

I know something bad
happens to 'em.

No, Peter, we need
to talk about

this situation
with the guys.

Look, of course l like hanging
out with Joe and Quagmire.

But l like hanging out
with you more.

I mean, it's nice to make
new friends, but not if it means

losing the best friend
I've ever had.

Yeah, well, l was
probably kind of a jerk, too.

I guess l shouldn't be
telling you who you can

and can't be
friends with.

HEY, You guys want to go

with me and Joe
to the roller derby?

It's great. You get
to see big, husky chicks

elbow each other
right in the jugs.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Yeah, and l'm bringing
my grill

so we can eat corn in the
parking lot before we go in.

What do you say?
Who's in?

Sounds great!

Yeah, that'Il be really...

You know what, you guys?

I think l'm gonna
just stay in tonight.

I got a huge stack
of coupons to go through.

Plus, l'm planning on having
my period really hard later,

and l want to be
in the tub when it happens.

You what?!
Gross.

Oh, l get it.

Guys, l think Lois
is getting a visit

from her Aunt Period.

Yeah, and lots
of other chick stuff

you guys wouldn't be
interested in.

Peter, go have fun
with your friends.

Thanks, Lois.

Oh, hey, Brian.
Where have you been?

Oh, just reuniting
some old friends.

Huh. Me, too.

Feels good, doesn't it?

Sure does.

I love you, Rupert.

Don't you ever leave me again.

Mom, Stewie's dead!