Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 17 - Bigfat - full transcript

It was awfully nice of our
new neighbors

to invite us
over for dinner.

I don't know, Lois.

Going to
Cleveland's house

with someone else
living there just seems weird.

Like when a new Pope
moves into the Vatican.

Hi, l don't know
who to complain to about this,

but l'm still getting
XVlll's mail.

Yeah, no.

No, he's not here anymore,
this is XXIV.

Yeah, no, l don't need
Newsweek.



No, l don't need
National Geographic.

Oh yeah, no, yeah, we'Il-we'Il
hang on to Boys' Life.

Hello, neighbors.

Joe, you can walk.

How do you do?

I'm Stan Smith.

Please, come in.

Oh, l'm so glad
everyone could make it.

Stan, l need $50.

They're selling a biopsy of
Celine Dion's uterus on eBay.

What the hell
kind of dog is that?

I was going to
ask the same thing.

Oh, uh, that's
our alien, Roger.

He lives in our attic,
but nobody can know.



And don't tell
anybody about our attic.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Quagmire.

Hey, you're not gonna
believe this.

I'm over here with Joe,
and he's got a space alien.

Peter, wake up.

You're having
a nightmare.

Oh, Lois.

Thank God,
it was just a dream.

Hey.

Lois, what's that
fat man doing in our bed?

Ugh, damn it,
I always wake up

before l find out if they can
understand the baby.

Thanks for helping me set
up this jungle gym, guys.

Lois says Stewie's been
getting a little chunky.

Ugh, everybody's
always commenting on my weight.

This is why
I almost died from anorexia.

You...

look...

fat.

All right, l got the
monkey bars all put together.

Aw, God,
look at that,

they already got
Al Qaedas all over them.

Get, get
out of here.

Scat!

Man, they're gonna be so good

at swinging bar-to-bar,
when they invade.

Wow, Quagmire, how did you
build that part so fast?

It was easy.

I just followed
the instructions.

I couldn't find
the English ones.

These are in Latin
and those stuffy

Ivy League professors
won't help me.

Nullum gratuitum
prandium, eh, Peter?

Oh, yeah?

Why don't you catch
a football, you nerds?

Nerds.

No, l just read the back,

where it's printed in French.

You speak French?

Sure, they love me
in France.

Oh, Quagmire! Shh. Quagmire!

Silence!
C 'est Quagmire.

Quagmire.
Aw, Quagmire.

Oh, Quagmire, don't
fall near ze mouse trap.

Yeah, and French also
comes in handy

when l have layovers
in Montreal.

That place is the best.

I always wanted to go
to Canada,

but then South Park went,
so we couldn't go.

Oh, man, you guys should
come with me sometime.

Montreal has the best
strip clubs in the world.

They do?

Yeah, they're unbelievable.

The girls
up in Canada are gorgeous.

And they
all play ice hockey,

so they lose
their teeth by age ten.

Wow.

In fact,
I'd even go so far as to say

that a Canadian strip club

is the most magical place
in the world.

Nip nip here, nip nip there

And a bevy of porno stars

There's jugs and mugs of
Molson beer

In Canadian nudie bars

Dirty ho's put on shows

And a lot
of 'em don't have scars

They'Il even take it
up the nose

In Canadian nudie bars

You can touch
and squeeze 'em

They don't even care

Would they even dye
their pubes

To match my hair?

Uh-huh

Color me there

Like me, say "Oui-Oui"

And tell them you're a friend
of Bill Maher's

That's how you'Il get
to watch them pee

In Canadian nudie bars

Ha, ha, ha

Ho, ho, ho

Ha, ha, ha, ha

Ha

A guy can get
his hockey pucked

In Canadian nudie bars.

That sounds incredible!

We got to go.

Yeah, will you
take us, Quagmire?

Please?

All right,
let's do it!

But l don't want to
get any crap

from your wives about me

taking you to a strip joint.

So you guys are gonna have to

lie about where we're going.

Okay, sure.
Yeah, no problem.

I'm a great liar.

Okay, we're
good this way.

Is it clear
in your direction?

Yep.

We now return to
Stabbed in the Butt,

the only game show where if
you get the answer wrong,

you get
stabbed in the butt.

All right, Bradley,
here's your question.

What is the
atomic weight of nitrogen?

Get him, guys!

Stab him
in the butt!

Okay,
bye, you guys.

I'm leaving now.

Peter, tell me again
why you're going to Montreal?

Hey, do l give you
the third degree

every time you go for one of
those luxurious mammograms?

Dad, why can't we all go?

Because somebody's
got to stay here

and round up all
these rattlesnakes.

Bye.

Hey, guys.

Check it out.
What do you think?

Wow, a private plane?

How'd you swing
that, Quagmire?

Well, let's just say
I walked in on John Travolta

with not Kelly Preston.

Oh, my God,
this plane is awesome, Quagmire.

Hey, who's that?

Oh, that's
J. Private Planington.

He invented
private planes.

He was also the world's
foremost squid hunter.

I've got a lot of big
ideas, too,

but everybody's
just so jealous.

Boy, this is nice.

Hey, Joe, l'm gonna
go check out the john.

Oh, my God,
have you seen this?

Look how fancy this thing is.

They even got a special map
that lets you choose

who you wan to dump
your poop on.

Geez, the synagogue
button's almost worn out.

Oh, my God, Joe,
there's a man on the wing.

Peter, there's
no man on the wing.

There is! l saw him!

Peter, stop
being ridiculous.

I'm telling you,
lift up the shade.

There's a man on the wing.

Fine.

It's me.

I'm the
man on the wing.

Peter, how the hell
did you get out there?

Are you crazy?!

Get back
in here, Peter!

What the hell's going on
back there?

We're losing altitude.

Hang on, you guys;
I don't know

if l can pull out
of this- giggity!

Wow, from up here,
everything looks

so huge and coming faster.

Uh, what happened?

Did we crash?

Yeah, we crashed.

Wow.

Still, you know,
we saved so much trouble

not flying commercial,
I think we came out ahead.

Sure.

Drive right up to the plane.
Exactly.

If we went to Logan,
that plane wouldn't crash

for another hour,
at least.

Oh, they made
pretty good time.

I'm bored.

Peter, you made me crash
the damn plane!

Okay, l know you're a
pilot and everything,

but not everyone
likes to talk about planes

as much as you, Quagmire.

Well, we're out
of cell phone range

and the radio's shot.

This is not good.

No one knows
we're out here,

and we've got
no food or water.

Relax, Quagmire,
there's food all around us.

The trick is just knowing

what's safe to eat
and what's not.

Okay, these are a "maybe."

You guys, l think,
for the time being,

we're gonna have to start
thinking in terms of survival.

Yeah, we're just
gonna have to do

what Davy Crockett
would do.

I mean, that guy killed a
bear when he was only three.

Honey, don't you
think it's weird

that our
three-year-old son

is murdering animals?

Nonsense.

He's a healthy,
normal young boy.

Ma, Pa, l
killed my pet raccoon.

Why, Davy?

So l could
have this cool hat

and 'cause it felt like
heaven when l was doing it.

Well, it's getting dark.

We should
probably start a fire.

Man, how do
we do that?

Hey, do you think
there's directions

about starting
fires in the song

"We Didn't
Start the Fire"?

I don't think so.

I better go
through it all.

Stuff, stuff,
stuff and stuff

History and stuff and stuff

People, people, someone's
name, history and sports

Big disaster, someone's name

Stuff and stuff
and stuff and stuff

History, someone's name

Something l don't know

Famous guy, movie star

Don't know who
these people are

Stuff and stuff and history

Yelling really loud at me!

Okay, how's
the fire coming?

Okay, this should work.

If it rains, at least
we know we can stay dry.

Yeah.

So, how out number one concern

is that Predators
are watching our body heat.

Peter, that's
just a movie.

That's not real.

No, l think we
need to cover ourselves in mud

to avoid being seen.

Peter, Joe's right.

That's
only a movie.

Oh, God,
somebody farted!

Ugh, it stinks!

We should not rule out
the Predator

having been the farter.

Okay, we still
got nothing to eat,

so it looks
like we're gonna

have to hunt
animals for food.

And since we
have no weapons,

I set up some
traps and snares.

Well, l was about to
take a leak.

Can l go
in that direction?

Yes.

No.

Ah, damn it, my legs!

I think they're broken!

Yay, Joe.

Now you have a friend.

Damn it, Peter,
this is all your fault.

Listen, l wish
you had a family

to take care of you, too,
but that's a choice you made.

Here you go, guys.

First time in a while
I've had wood in my lap.

Are... are we supposed
to laugh at that?

'Cause it's upsetting.

Man, being
out here sucks.

I mean,
I'm not a forest guy.

I-I'm more of a

"take-it-all-in-
at-the-beach" guy.

Excuse me, sir.

This is
private property.

What are you doing?

Just taking it all in.

You're staring
at my daughter's bedroom.

She's really
grown into her body.

This is gonna
be a fun summer for her.

You guys, we've been out here
a couple days now,

and l don't think
anyone's coming to get us.

It might be time
for one of us to go for help.

Well, what do
you want us to do?

Peter's the
only one who can walk.

What?!

You want me to
just walk out there,

straight into the woods?

Peter, if you don't,

the only other option
is we sit here and wait to die.

All right, l'Il do it.

If l just keep walking,

I gotta hit civilization

at some point, right?

Thanks, Peter.

Yeah.

And good luck.

Uh-oh.

What?

Well, l hate to ask
you this, Quagmire,

but do you know how
to change a diaper?

Yeah, of course l know
how to change a diaper.

I saw
Mr. Mom four times.

That's not how you dry a baby.

He has to do it
'cause his wife has the job.

But motherhood's a job.

M-Motherhood's
a job, too, though.

Morning.

What the hell?!
Where'd you come from?!

Yeah, what are...
what are you doing

out here in the middle
of nowhere?!

Middle of nowhere?!

No, l live right
over there.

What?! A plane crashes
in your backyard,

and you don't say anything?!

This is Canada, eh?

I thought it might be rude to
intrude on your plane crash.

Well, this is
great news!

We're saved!

Yes, l suppose so.

Listen, why don't we
head back to my place,

grab a bite to eat and watch
the big curling match on TV?

Canada is in the world
final against Mexico.

NO, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no!

Okay, well, we have
to grab our friend Peter.

He just headed out
that way to get help.

Oh. That's not good.

There's nothing
in that direction

but wilderness for
thousands of kilometers.

What?! You're kidding.

Oh, crap. Peter!

Peter, come back! Peter!

Peter! Peter!

I think he's gone.

I'm afraid he might not
have survived, Mrs. Griffin.

We've been searching
these woods for weeks.

We've got to keep looking.

He's got to be out there
somewhere.

Oh, my God,
we're in Canada.

I get to use my
new passport.

I hope my picture
looks okay.

That's Liam Hemsworth.

No, it's not. It's me.

It's just a
really good angle.

God, just look
for Peter. God.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin,

there's been no sign
of your husband for two months.

We're gonna have
to suspend our search.

But there's got to be
something we can do!

Well, the odds were always
against us.

Most black men don't
possess the skills

to survive out here
in the wilderness.

My husband isn't black.

Oh, boy.

Well, then, we need
to regroup because...

we haven't been looking.

Wait! We may have a possible
lead on Peter Griffin!

What?! Oh, my God,
where is he?!

Well, we didn't find him,
but we found this.

And there's some scribbling
on the back

that says, "Mrs. G."

We figured "G" has
to stand for "Griffin."

No. That G isn't for "Griffin."

It's for "Garrett."

This is Mrs. Garrett
from The Facts Of Life!

And Diff rent Strokes.

Why does everyone forget that?

Kids, your father
made this.

That's so weird.

Dad gets lost in the woods,
and he makes a doll?

Eh, it's not that strange.

It's kind of what Tom Hanks did
in Castaway.

I'm sorry, Wilson!

Right here is where
we found the doll.

Okay, everybody fan out
and look for your father.

Peter!
Peter!

Dad!
Fat-ass!

Peter?!

Oh, thank God!
We found you!

Are you okay?!

What the hell?!

It looks like he's become
some kind of feral beast.

Oh, my God!

I can't live by
society's rules, either.

Mom, l still
don't get it.

How could Dad turn
into some kind of feral creature

just from two months
in the wilderness?

Yeah,
it's weird.

He doesn't
even talk.

Well, he was living among
wild animals for two months,

and you know how impressionable
your dad can be.

Hmm.

Peter, this
is your home.

This is the couch
where you sit.

Oh, yes, that's
the television.

Kids, l think he
recognizes the TV.

We're all thinking it,
and he just does it.

You guys, this is gonna
be harder than we thought.

I guess we're all just
gonna have to work together

to reintroduce your father
to civilized society.

Well, that's gonna be
a challenge.

But it can't be any harder

than folding
that thousand-mile-long sheet.

All right, l got my corner.
Everybody ready?

Ready. Chris?

Ready. Meg?

You know, long ago,
before this happened,

your father did make some videos
in case he ever became feral.

I guess
they're worth a shot.

Hello, feral Peter.

If you're listening to this,
you've probably become feral,

and you're probably thinking of
a nice juicy rabbit right now.

But this isn't
who you really are, Peter.

We got to get you back on track.

Isn't that right, buddy?

Look, it's working!

Okay, good. So, feral Peter,

why don't you put in tape number
two and let's get started.

Don't listen to that Peter!
That Peter is a liar!

Run! Be free!
They will enslave you!

All right, now,
I've been trying

to figure out something
we can do together,

and l think
I've found it.

We're gonna sing a song.

Now, l'Il start, and
when l point to you,

you'Il sing your part.
Ready?

War!

Yeah! What is
it good for?

Absolutely nothing!

Okay, all right,
good job.

Now, let's try
something else.

l wanna get you
home and Ugh

Double up
Ugh, ugh.

Okay, l like where
this is going.

Let's take it
from the top.

I like big butts
and l cannot lie...

Oh, damn it, he's in
the garbage again!

Oh, my God!

Come on! Get out
of the trash.

Who threw out my sequin top?

You're 43! Accept it!

Hey, Lois.

Oh, hi, Glenn.

We just thought we'd come by
and see how Peter was doing.

Yeah, has he gotten
any better?

I'm afraid not.

He's still only
speaking gibberish.

Yeah, and we could live
without the semen throwing,

I'Il tell you that.

I don't know
what else to do.

We've tried everything
to bring the old Peter back,

but we can't
break through to him.

Lois, l think you've
done all you can.

Hard as it is to admit,

it might be time to let
Peter be where he belongs.

What do you mean, Brian?

We might have to release
Peter back into the wild.

What?! We-we can't do that.

We'Il never
see him again!

Eh, enough time passes,
you'Il forget all about him.

Just like
Inspector Gadget forgot

about that one-night stand.

Suzanne, we have to talk.

Okay.

Someone has made
contact with me.

Someone from my past, and,
well, long story short,

go, go, Guatemalan son.

Peter, we all
love you very much,

but we think maybe
this is where you belong

and where you'Il be happy.

This is barely
even a forest.

I can see an Arby's
through the trees.

You're free, Peter.

Whatever adventures
lie ahead of you,

know that my heart
will always be with you.

Now, go! Go on!
Get out of here!

I always knew, one day,
this would happen.

We will never forget you,
but you're better off here.

Why are we dragging this out?
It's 6:30.

Go ahead, Peter.
Go on!

Be with your own kind!

We're all gonna
miss you, Dad!

More than you know!

What?
My God, I...

I think he's trying
to talk to you.

Say something else!

Well, okay, um...

I love you, Dad,

and no matter where you are,
you'Il always be my father.

Shut... up...

M-Meg-

I don't believe it!

Peter, you talked!

Shut up, Meg.

Shut... up, Meg.

Shut up... Meg.

Shut up, Meg.

Peter!
Dad!

You're back!
MEG Yay.

Jim.

Your name is Jim.

Close enough, Peter!

Come on, you guys,
let's go home!

Yeah!

Is she...
is she letting him drive?

Boy, l sure am happy
to be back.

Yeah, Peter, we thought
we'd lost you for good.

And luckily,
I don't know many words,

so l was able to relearn them
all in a day.

Don't ever leave
us again, Dad.

Aw, sorry, Chris,
but this weekend,

Quagmire's taking me
to a Canadian strip club.

He said he's put together a very
special surprise, just for me.

MAN
Mesdames et monsieurs,

all the way from America,
please welcome,

Miss Charlotte Rae!

Mrs. Garrett!
Mrs. Garrett!

Girls, girls, girls!