Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 16 - 12 and a Half Angry Men - full transcript
Mayor West is on trial for murder, and Brian is the only one on the jury who thinks he is not guilty.
It seems today
that all you see
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
We now return to Bottom Chef.
Daniel L.,
please pack your fudge and go.
Fine!
We interrupt this
broadcast with breaking news.
An aide to Mayor
Adam West has been found
stabbed to death
at the mayor's mansion.
That's right, Tom.
Police say the
victim was killed
by a knife
belonging to the mayor,
who is considered the
prime suspect at this time.
Oh, my God.
Uncle Adam!
Uhp, town emergency.
Don't got to
finish my green beans.
Peter, you stay there and
finish those green beans.
But my stomach's upset
on account of the news.
Also found
in the mayor's residence
was a blackmail note
from the victim
threatening to expose the mayor
in a corruption scandal
unless the victim was paid off.
You can put a picture of a note
above my shoulder any time now,
Tony.
No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade.
That's the Pumpkin Festival.
Okay, okay,
you think that humiliates me?
You- l-l don't care.
Oscar De La Hoya does it.
We now go live to
Tricia Takanawa,
who is outside
the mayor's mansion.
Torn, l'm standing outside
the mayor's mansion,
where, against the wishes
of his attorneys,
the mayor has agreed to an
impromptu press conference.
What do you
know about the murder?
Did you
kill that man?
Yes, l'Il take a question
from the reporter
from the Quahog
Elementary School Gazette.
Timmy?
Are you afraid of the dark?
I thought
we had an understanding
that the dark was off limits.
This press conference is over.
This has been
Tricia Takanawa with the news.
And now l will have
my normal post-news review
from my mom in her car.
You no good!
You no good on news!
You stiff, like
watching board!
Joan London
mother, so happy.
Tricia Takanawa
mother, so sad.
Wow, he really did it.
I always knew Mayor West
was a little crazy,
but l never thought he was
capable of something like this.
The mayor's going to jail.
That means anything goes.
I pushed a lady.
God, l can already
hear the jokes
Jay Leno's gonna be
telling about our mayor.
Oh, yeah,
like what?
Oh, you know,
it's like you can
already hear them.
You know?
Like what?
Like exactly
what jokes do you hear?
Tell me one of the jokes.
Brian, all l have to do is
start fake sneezing around you
and you'Il spend the rest
of your life outside.
Oh, yeah, yeah, l can
hear some of the jokes.
Well, l guess
you just never know
what kind of rage
some people have bottled up.
Well, we all
got anger, Chris.
The important thing
is finding a healthy way
to channel it.
For me, as you know,
it's the family bath.
Peter, how long
do we have to sit here?
Until l'm
not angry anymore,
you naked
bunch of bitches!
Everyone,
please be seated.
We will now hear
the defense attorney's
closing statement.
I switched seats.
In closing, although
it seems pretty clear
that my client
committed this murder,
I would consider it
a personal favor to me
if you found
him not guilty.
That's your
closing argument?
Whoa, those karate
lessons are really paying off.
Thank you, Sensei.
Welcome.
He came.
Jurors, you
have now heard
all the facts
of this case.
I remind you that because
we are a small town,
many of you may have ties
with the defendant
or the victim.
You must set aside
these personal connections
and render an impartial
and unanimous verdict.
Does anyone have any questions?
Yeah, is Toblerone
the fanciest thing in the world?
L-I just don't understand.
How could
Uncle Adam do this?
He's the mayor
of our town.
Well, Meg, life
isn't always as simple
as what they
teach you at school.
I don't know, Mom.
I have a pretty realistic
home ec class.
Okay, kids.
Now l'm gonna take
the casserole out of the oven.
Okay, it's a little burned.
No reason to panic.
Oh, God, that's Daddy.
He's home early.
Let-Let's get some spices
in here and fix this.
Okay, he's inside the house.
Let's-let's hope his meeting
went well.
God, that
meeting went awful!
Oh, boy.
What's that smell?
Did you burn dinner,
you stupid pig?
Okay, kids, put your heads down.
Put your heads down.
And don't try to stand between
me and your father;
it'Il just make it worse.
So l's been asked by the judge
to be the foreman,
and l want y'all to know
that we's gonna run
a fair jury and a clean jury,
so l brought some wet naps
for everyone to wipe off
their areas.
'Cause one of us gets sick,
we's all gonna get sick.
And that may lead to some of us
getting sicker than others.
Look, can we
get this underway?
I mean, we were
all in that courtroom.
What-what is
there to discuss?
It's obvious
he did it.
Plus, l got to get
back to the station.
If l'm not there by 5:00,
Joyce will anchor the news,
and l don't think
anyone wants
that to happen again.
Our top story:
Guys, right?
Yes, it's open and shut.
Now let's just vote him guilty
and get out of here.
Look, l know
everyone's in a hurry,
but shouldn't we at least
go over the evidence
once before we vote,
just to be fair?
You know what would shed
some light on this case?
If we huck water balloons
at people in the street.
They were carrying a trampoline.
Here's the facts:
there was a note
from the victim,
threatening to expose the mayor
in a corruption scandal.
The murder weapon
was the mayor's own knife.
And finally, that lady with
the Peter Gallagher eyebrows
on the witness stand
saw the whole thing.
Okay, let's get
down to business.
All in favor of "guilty,"
raise your hands.
Guilty.
All "guilty."
Good, well, that's it,
let's get out of here.
Anyone for "not guilty"?
What the hell?
All right, looks like
we's gonna be here a while.
Who wants pizza for dinner?
And who wants
Purina Moist and Meaty Dog Chow?
I had that
for breakfast!
What do you mean "not guilty"?!
What's wrong with you?
Oh, shoot,
that was a stomachache.
I told that guy he had polio.
Look, the system specifies
the defendant
must be proven guilty
beyond a reasonable doubt.
Mayor West's life
is on the line here.
I'm just saying,
it's possible he didn't do it.
That's for the jury
to decide.
Mayor West is crazy.
He should've been locked up
a long time ago.
Yeah, there's definitely
something off about him.
I'm his physician.
Okay, now we'Il just
test those reflexes.
MAN
Hey, did you hear that?
There's someone out there.
Hello?
WOMAN
We're in here!
There are six of us!
Look, we all saw
that blackmail note.
Mayor West is
the only one with a motive.
I don't even know
why we're discussing it.
Well, was Mayor West
the only one with a motive?
I mean, there are
people who would benefit
if he were
put away for murder.
Political rivals,
special interests.
I mean, it's possible
he could have been framed.
Enough!
Was a movie with Jennifer Lopez
that did not
live up to expectations.
Well, Mayor West did say
he never saw the letter.
And he was under oath.
Yeah, he lied.
Of course he lied;
he's a politician.
They're all liars.
Yeah!
John F. Kennedy swore he'd serve
a full four-year term.
Liar.
Look, we should be sticking
to the facts, not stereotypes.
It's unfair to say
that all politicians are liars,
therefore Mayor West is guilty.
Brian's right.
I was a county alderman once
and l never told no fibs.
I bent over
backwards and forwards
for them constituents.
It's important
to make sure everyone is happy,
so l took a lot of polls.
Gay stuff.
Yeah, and l served honorably
as a U.N. interpreter.
Okay, he's mad about something.
He appears to be
talking really fast.
He spits whenever
he makes the "ch" noise,
which, in this language,
happens a lot.
I'm expected to entertain him
and his wife tonight,
so if anyone knows a good
restaurant in the area...
Sushi or tapas,
something where they're always
bringing stuff to the table
so you have something
to talk about.
You know?
"Hey, what's this?
This looks good..."
War, oh, war, war!
That last sentence
was about war!
Look, an expert
confirmed
that the blackmail note
was signed by the victim.
That points
irrefutably to West.
Well, maybe we should
take a look at that letter.
Yeah, l'd like to see that.
'Cause l can read it
just like everybody else.
And the charade continues.
Bailiff, please.
Yeah?
Mr. Bailiff, we
request that you
bring us the note
from the victim.
Joe, what the hell
are you doing out there?
You're a cop, not a bailiff.
Eh, l'm undercover.
Someone's been raping
all the bailiffs.
So you're just sitting around
waiting to be raped?
MAN Hey,
Bailiff, can l talk to you
for a second in
this broom closet?
Sure, strange man.
I can't wait to hear
what this is all about.
Well, there's your motive.
A note from the victim
threatening Mayor West.
What more proof
do you want?
Yeah, are you trying to
suggest that Mayor West's
enemy faked
a corruption letter
and then
killed himself?
That's idiotic!
But it just might work.
What?
You know, something bothered me
about the stationery
that note was on,
with the-the decorative
"M" border.
It's from the
office of the mayor.
The "M" is for "mayor."
What are you
getting at?
No, no, l'm pretty sure
the "M" is for "Marriott."
How do you know? Because
I once got a note
from the Marriott
written on the same paper.
"Dear Brian.
"You were amazing last night.
Love, Ida.
This is from the night
you had sex with Quagmire's dad.
Ah, come on!
I did a dog once,
but l was in the Philippines,
and l sure as hell
didn't write him a letter.
What's- w-w-what, so
what does that prove?
The victim had access
to all the "Office of the Mayor"
stationery he could ever want,
yet he hand-made a letterhead
on stationery from a Marriott?
As far as l'm concerned,
that casts doubt.
Look, you guys
just say the word
and l'Il put this ball with
cheese in it on the floor.
We won't hear from him
for an hour and a half.
Look, if l'm still the only
one who says "not guilty,"
I won't hold
things up any longer.
Let's vote again,
and l'Il abstain.
If it's unanimous,
I'Il change my vote
and we can all go home.
Okay, everyone take one of these
here and write their vote.
Hey, Quagmire, y-you gonna
write something funny?
No, Peter, l'm not.
I'm starting to think
all you do is dick around.
Sorry.
Everyone vote?
Okay, now let's count.
"Guilty," "guilty."
Some hurtful slurs followed
by the word "guilty."
"Guilty," "guilty."
"El guilto."
"Guilty," "guilty."
This one's just a squiggly line.
That's, uh,
that's "guilty" in Latin.
You're playing
o dangerous game, Carl.
"Guilty."
"Not guilty."
Ew!
I farted during the murmuring.
What monumental douche
voted "not guilty"
on this no-brainer?
I think we know who
the flip-flopper is.
Bruce didn't change his vote.
I did.
I respect Brian's courage.
It's not easy to stand alone.
Or find the child
who stands alone.
But that's the one you want.
Look, we have been cooped up
in this room for five hours now.
I'm starting to feel
like an animal in a cage.
Yeah, or a T. rex
trying to masturbate.
All right,
Internet porn- check.
Tissues- check.
Lotion- check.
Okay, let's go.
Aw.
And that's why they were
such vicious killers.
I Oh, he couldn't masturbate
because his arms are too short
They feared him
from Kilpatrick
Down to Gamay Bay Port
I Luckily he found a wife
so he could have sex
The non-masturbatin'
F Tyrannosaurus vex.
Okay, look, tempers are starting
to get a little heated,
so why don't we all go take us
a little potty break?
Now you're all gonna have
to witness me taking
an old-man pill that looks
way too big to swallow.
Oh, there we go.
It's his fault
we're still here.
How is it you think
you know everything anyway?
You don't even understand
your feelings for the mailman.
You get out of here!
I'Il kill you!
But come back
tomorrow same time.
I get very sad on Sundays
when you're not here.
Aw, damn it.
What happened?
I dropped my phone
in the toilet.
Oh, it's so cold and
it's under everything.
I feel like l'm rooting
around a pitcher of sangria.
Where is it?
Oh, my God, why haven't
I found it yet?
Oh, no, l didn't roll
my sleeve up far enough.
Oh, why didn't l flush
when l got in here?
Aw, this isn't even all mine!
Oh, no, there's a spider
crawling on my face.
Aah, why didn't l use the
hand that was on the floor?!
Why did l use
my toilet hand?!
Oh, wait, here it is
behind the toilet.
This is ridiculous.
Even if you don't believe
the note was legitimate,
there was an eyewitness
who saw the entire thing.
Well, l have questions
about her testimony.
She said she was at a party.
Not just any party-
a sex party.
Now, how could a woman
at an orgy witness a murder?
The bedroom was a hundred feet
from the window.
Okay, first of all,
the term "orgy" is outdated.
We call them
"genital jamborees."
But still, l don't see
how she could look out
a window and witness a crime.
Trust me, you're banging
eight strangers who responded
to a flyer, at some point
you're gonna look out a window
and question every decision
you've ever made.
Look, l'Il demonstrate.
You people come here.
Okay, Torn, you're over
here on all fours.
Carter, l need
your face right here.
Nope, even closer.
You're gonna want to feel
the heat coming off him.
Okay, Consuela, l'm gonna
need you on your knees.
And we're probably
partway into it here,
so one of your eyes
is stuck shut.
All the way shut- there
are 11 of us, dear.
All right, Tom,
you're squinting.
You're anticipating-
don't-don't do that.
Carl, you can take your fist
out of your own mouth.
Bruce, great work.
Bruce seems like
the only garner here.
Thanks, it's okay
to look the other way
when y'all pass me on the
street with y'all's wives.
I understand.
And that places
the witness right here,
next to the lubricating station
and the terrible
smelling guest book.
Would she be face up?
No, she had small breasts
but a great ass.
She's definitely face down.
But then, how could
she see the window?
Oh, my God.
You're right.
She couldn't have.
And now to take
my position.
This is what l call
the Butter Pat.
Okay, y'all, so we's
now at six "guilty,"
six "not guilty."
So we's all gonna
have to stay here
until we's unanimous
in our verdict.
Well, so what if that woman
at the orgy couldn't see?
There's plenty of other evidence
that West is guilty.
Yeah, let's wrap this up-
I got the director's cut
of Raiders of the Lost Ark
waiting for me at home.
Don't look, Marion.
Okay.
By the way, l'm pregnant.
Maybe just one quick peak.
Come on, people,
he obviously did it.
You know his type-
they're all guilty.
Well, what type is that?
He's one of those plain-lippies.
You know, no mustache
like a normal person.
Prancing around
with his naked lip out
for all the world to see.
Sir, you are talking
to a plain-lippy.
Oh, now,
don't take it like that.
Some of them are all right.
But you know what l mean-
they're all over the place.
How about me, Tucker-
am l all right?
Well, of course
you're all right.
Huh, imagine that.
What happened to me?
I've become my father.
Not guilty.
That really hurt because
it was a real mustache.
Okay, the majority
of this room now believes
that there is reasonable doubt
about Mayor West's guilt.
And what do
the rest of you think?
Look, l just don't think
he could've done it.
Guilty.
Oh, oh, guilty is
the other one?
Well, l don't know!
Okay, it's good
we're talking this out.
Now l'd really like to hear
from the holdouts
because a man's life hangs
in the bal...
Peter, what are you doing?
It's getting very tense in here.
Do you guys mind if l struggle
to open these blinds?
Damn it, come on, stay up there.
You got to yank
it to the side, Peter.
I'm yanking it
as far as it goes.
You got to catch
it on the thing.
Oh, that's helpful.
The left side's getting
lower than the right side.
I can see what's happening.
Now twist it.
All right.
See? Now it's open.
Okay, we's
at 11 to one.
Carter, you're the only person
who still thinks he's guilty.
You're damn right l do-
look at the facts.
There was a dead guy found
in Mayor West's home.
There's no one else
with any motive.
And the police detective who
examined all the evidence
named him the prime suspect.
You guys paid
attention that whole trial?
Lame- not me.
I was too busy
being cool.
The jury is instructed
to disregard
the witness' last remark.
Yeah, whatever, Judge.
None of this stuff's ever
gonna apply to my real life.
I'm just gonna go work in
the mines anyway like my dad.
How would you like to stay
for an hour after the trial?
Oh, l'm real scared.
Is your dad
hitting you, Peter?
Shut up, just shut up!
You have no right, man!
You don't know nothing
about my side of town!
Look, he's guilty,
I just know it.
He's a double-dealing
spineless politician.
But how do you know
he's guilty?
Oh, l know.
Mayor West has
let people down.
Guys, l feel like all
we talk about is Mayor West.
Like who, who has he let down?
Someone who got him elected.
Someone who padded
his expense account.
And all l wanted was
to fire a missile
into a fault line to sink half
of Quahog into the ocean
and make
my real estate waterfront.
You got that from Superman.
Nobody likes you.
I even let him marry
my daughter
Carol, damn it.
I mean, doesn't that
mean anything?
No, not to West, that
ungrateful bastard.
It wasn't that aide that
got stabbed in the back,
it was me!
Not guilty.
Well, l guess that's it.
Yeah, looks like
we've reached our verdict.
You know what
I just realized?
My jury duty's tomorrow.
Ladies and gentlemen of Quahog,
I feel vindicated.
Today the truth has prevailed.
And we've witnessed
the power of the greatest
justice system in all the world.
Yes, Miss Takanawa.
Now that you've been acquitted,
what does the future hold
for Mayor Adam West?
Oh, l don't know.
Into the great wide open
Under them skies of blue
Out in the great wide open
A rebel without a clue.
I'Il probably just remain mayor
of this great city.
This also is part
of my fantasy sequence.
I'Il probably just remain
mayor of this great city.
And l know this is real because
you're not rabbit-people.
Ah, what a day.
You both did your civic duty
and you saved Mayor West.
Yeah, l mean, it was
a pretty intense experience,
but the important thing is,
in the end,
justice was served.
All you did was
let a guy go.
There's still
a murderer out there.
Yeah, but we saved
an innocent man today.
And that's something
to feel good about.
"Feel good about"?
They found eight more
bodies last night.
One of them was
on this block.
There's a maniac out there.
He's cutting people's power off,
breaking into their homes,
and slitting their throats.
And we're dead.
that all you see
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
We now return to Bottom Chef.
Daniel L.,
please pack your fudge and go.
Fine!
We interrupt this
broadcast with breaking news.
An aide to Mayor
Adam West has been found
stabbed to death
at the mayor's mansion.
That's right, Tom.
Police say the
victim was killed
by a knife
belonging to the mayor,
who is considered the
prime suspect at this time.
Oh, my God.
Uncle Adam!
Uhp, town emergency.
Don't got to
finish my green beans.
Peter, you stay there and
finish those green beans.
But my stomach's upset
on account of the news.
Also found
in the mayor's residence
was a blackmail note
from the victim
threatening to expose the mayor
in a corruption scandal
unless the victim was paid off.
You can put a picture of a note
above my shoulder any time now,
Tony.
No, that's the Rose Bowl Parade.
That's the Pumpkin Festival.
Okay, okay,
you think that humiliates me?
You- l-l don't care.
Oscar De La Hoya does it.
We now go live to
Tricia Takanawa,
who is outside
the mayor's mansion.
Torn, l'm standing outside
the mayor's mansion,
where, against the wishes
of his attorneys,
the mayor has agreed to an
impromptu press conference.
What do you
know about the murder?
Did you
kill that man?
Yes, l'Il take a question
from the reporter
from the Quahog
Elementary School Gazette.
Timmy?
Are you afraid of the dark?
I thought
we had an understanding
that the dark was off limits.
This press conference is over.
This has been
Tricia Takanawa with the news.
And now l will have
my normal post-news review
from my mom in her car.
You no good!
You no good on news!
You stiff, like
watching board!
Joan London
mother, so happy.
Tricia Takanawa
mother, so sad.
Wow, he really did it.
I always knew Mayor West
was a little crazy,
but l never thought he was
capable of something like this.
The mayor's going to jail.
That means anything goes.
I pushed a lady.
God, l can already
hear the jokes
Jay Leno's gonna be
telling about our mayor.
Oh, yeah,
like what?
Oh, you know,
it's like you can
already hear them.
You know?
Like what?
Like exactly
what jokes do you hear?
Tell me one of the jokes.
Brian, all l have to do is
start fake sneezing around you
and you'Il spend the rest
of your life outside.
Oh, yeah, yeah, l can
hear some of the jokes.
Well, l guess
you just never know
what kind of rage
some people have bottled up.
Well, we all
got anger, Chris.
The important thing
is finding a healthy way
to channel it.
For me, as you know,
it's the family bath.
Peter, how long
do we have to sit here?
Until l'm
not angry anymore,
you naked
bunch of bitches!
Everyone,
please be seated.
We will now hear
the defense attorney's
closing statement.
I switched seats.
In closing, although
it seems pretty clear
that my client
committed this murder,
I would consider it
a personal favor to me
if you found
him not guilty.
That's your
closing argument?
Whoa, those karate
lessons are really paying off.
Thank you, Sensei.
Welcome.
He came.
Jurors, you
have now heard
all the facts
of this case.
I remind you that because
we are a small town,
many of you may have ties
with the defendant
or the victim.
You must set aside
these personal connections
and render an impartial
and unanimous verdict.
Does anyone have any questions?
Yeah, is Toblerone
the fanciest thing in the world?
L-I just don't understand.
How could
Uncle Adam do this?
He's the mayor
of our town.
Well, Meg, life
isn't always as simple
as what they
teach you at school.
I don't know, Mom.
I have a pretty realistic
home ec class.
Okay, kids.
Now l'm gonna take
the casserole out of the oven.
Okay, it's a little burned.
No reason to panic.
Oh, God, that's Daddy.
He's home early.
Let-Let's get some spices
in here and fix this.
Okay, he's inside the house.
Let's-let's hope his meeting
went well.
God, that
meeting went awful!
Oh, boy.
What's that smell?
Did you burn dinner,
you stupid pig?
Okay, kids, put your heads down.
Put your heads down.
And don't try to stand between
me and your father;
it'Il just make it worse.
So l's been asked by the judge
to be the foreman,
and l want y'all to know
that we's gonna run
a fair jury and a clean jury,
so l brought some wet naps
for everyone to wipe off
their areas.
'Cause one of us gets sick,
we's all gonna get sick.
And that may lead to some of us
getting sicker than others.
Look, can we
get this underway?
I mean, we were
all in that courtroom.
What-what is
there to discuss?
It's obvious
he did it.
Plus, l got to get
back to the station.
If l'm not there by 5:00,
Joyce will anchor the news,
and l don't think
anyone wants
that to happen again.
Our top story:
Guys, right?
Yes, it's open and shut.
Now let's just vote him guilty
and get out of here.
Look, l know
everyone's in a hurry,
but shouldn't we at least
go over the evidence
once before we vote,
just to be fair?
You know what would shed
some light on this case?
If we huck water balloons
at people in the street.
They were carrying a trampoline.
Here's the facts:
there was a note
from the victim,
threatening to expose the mayor
in a corruption scandal.
The murder weapon
was the mayor's own knife.
And finally, that lady with
the Peter Gallagher eyebrows
on the witness stand
saw the whole thing.
Okay, let's get
down to business.
All in favor of "guilty,"
raise your hands.
Guilty.
All "guilty."
Good, well, that's it,
let's get out of here.
Anyone for "not guilty"?
What the hell?
All right, looks like
we's gonna be here a while.
Who wants pizza for dinner?
And who wants
Purina Moist and Meaty Dog Chow?
I had that
for breakfast!
What do you mean "not guilty"?!
What's wrong with you?
Oh, shoot,
that was a stomachache.
I told that guy he had polio.
Look, the system specifies
the defendant
must be proven guilty
beyond a reasonable doubt.
Mayor West's life
is on the line here.
I'm just saying,
it's possible he didn't do it.
That's for the jury
to decide.
Mayor West is crazy.
He should've been locked up
a long time ago.
Yeah, there's definitely
something off about him.
I'm his physician.
Okay, now we'Il just
test those reflexes.
MAN
Hey, did you hear that?
There's someone out there.
Hello?
WOMAN
We're in here!
There are six of us!
Look, we all saw
that blackmail note.
Mayor West is
the only one with a motive.
I don't even know
why we're discussing it.
Well, was Mayor West
the only one with a motive?
I mean, there are
people who would benefit
if he were
put away for murder.
Political rivals,
special interests.
I mean, it's possible
he could have been framed.
Enough!
Was a movie with Jennifer Lopez
that did not
live up to expectations.
Well, Mayor West did say
he never saw the letter.
And he was under oath.
Yeah, he lied.
Of course he lied;
he's a politician.
They're all liars.
Yeah!
John F. Kennedy swore he'd serve
a full four-year term.
Liar.
Look, we should be sticking
to the facts, not stereotypes.
It's unfair to say
that all politicians are liars,
therefore Mayor West is guilty.
Brian's right.
I was a county alderman once
and l never told no fibs.
I bent over
backwards and forwards
for them constituents.
It's important
to make sure everyone is happy,
so l took a lot of polls.
Gay stuff.
Yeah, and l served honorably
as a U.N. interpreter.
Okay, he's mad about something.
He appears to be
talking really fast.
He spits whenever
he makes the "ch" noise,
which, in this language,
happens a lot.
I'm expected to entertain him
and his wife tonight,
so if anyone knows a good
restaurant in the area...
Sushi or tapas,
something where they're always
bringing stuff to the table
so you have something
to talk about.
You know?
"Hey, what's this?
This looks good..."
War, oh, war, war!
That last sentence
was about war!
Look, an expert
confirmed
that the blackmail note
was signed by the victim.
That points
irrefutably to West.
Well, maybe we should
take a look at that letter.
Yeah, l'd like to see that.
'Cause l can read it
just like everybody else.
And the charade continues.
Bailiff, please.
Yeah?
Mr. Bailiff, we
request that you
bring us the note
from the victim.
Joe, what the hell
are you doing out there?
You're a cop, not a bailiff.
Eh, l'm undercover.
Someone's been raping
all the bailiffs.
So you're just sitting around
waiting to be raped?
MAN Hey,
Bailiff, can l talk to you
for a second in
this broom closet?
Sure, strange man.
I can't wait to hear
what this is all about.
Well, there's your motive.
A note from the victim
threatening Mayor West.
What more proof
do you want?
Yeah, are you trying to
suggest that Mayor West's
enemy faked
a corruption letter
and then
killed himself?
That's idiotic!
But it just might work.
What?
You know, something bothered me
about the stationery
that note was on,
with the-the decorative
"M" border.
It's from the
office of the mayor.
The "M" is for "mayor."
What are you
getting at?
No, no, l'm pretty sure
the "M" is for "Marriott."
How do you know? Because
I once got a note
from the Marriott
written on the same paper.
"Dear Brian.
"You were amazing last night.
Love, Ida.
This is from the night
you had sex with Quagmire's dad.
Ah, come on!
I did a dog once,
but l was in the Philippines,
and l sure as hell
didn't write him a letter.
What's- w-w-what, so
what does that prove?
The victim had access
to all the "Office of the Mayor"
stationery he could ever want,
yet he hand-made a letterhead
on stationery from a Marriott?
As far as l'm concerned,
that casts doubt.
Look, you guys
just say the word
and l'Il put this ball with
cheese in it on the floor.
We won't hear from him
for an hour and a half.
Look, if l'm still the only
one who says "not guilty,"
I won't hold
things up any longer.
Let's vote again,
and l'Il abstain.
If it's unanimous,
I'Il change my vote
and we can all go home.
Okay, everyone take one of these
here and write their vote.
Hey, Quagmire, y-you gonna
write something funny?
No, Peter, l'm not.
I'm starting to think
all you do is dick around.
Sorry.
Everyone vote?
Okay, now let's count.
"Guilty," "guilty."
Some hurtful slurs followed
by the word "guilty."
"Guilty," "guilty."
"El guilto."
"Guilty," "guilty."
This one's just a squiggly line.
That's, uh,
that's "guilty" in Latin.
You're playing
o dangerous game, Carl.
"Guilty."
"Not guilty."
Ew!
I farted during the murmuring.
What monumental douche
voted "not guilty"
on this no-brainer?
I think we know who
the flip-flopper is.
Bruce didn't change his vote.
I did.
I respect Brian's courage.
It's not easy to stand alone.
Or find the child
who stands alone.
But that's the one you want.
Look, we have been cooped up
in this room for five hours now.
I'm starting to feel
like an animal in a cage.
Yeah, or a T. rex
trying to masturbate.
All right,
Internet porn- check.
Tissues- check.
Lotion- check.
Okay, let's go.
Aw.
And that's why they were
such vicious killers.
I Oh, he couldn't masturbate
because his arms are too short
They feared him
from Kilpatrick
Down to Gamay Bay Port
I Luckily he found a wife
so he could have sex
The non-masturbatin'
F Tyrannosaurus vex.
Okay, look, tempers are starting
to get a little heated,
so why don't we all go take us
a little potty break?
Now you're all gonna have
to witness me taking
an old-man pill that looks
way too big to swallow.
Oh, there we go.
It's his fault
we're still here.
How is it you think
you know everything anyway?
You don't even understand
your feelings for the mailman.
You get out of here!
I'Il kill you!
But come back
tomorrow same time.
I get very sad on Sundays
when you're not here.
Aw, damn it.
What happened?
I dropped my phone
in the toilet.
Oh, it's so cold and
it's under everything.
I feel like l'm rooting
around a pitcher of sangria.
Where is it?
Oh, my God, why haven't
I found it yet?
Oh, no, l didn't roll
my sleeve up far enough.
Oh, why didn't l flush
when l got in here?
Aw, this isn't even all mine!
Oh, no, there's a spider
crawling on my face.
Aah, why didn't l use the
hand that was on the floor?!
Why did l use
my toilet hand?!
Oh, wait, here it is
behind the toilet.
This is ridiculous.
Even if you don't believe
the note was legitimate,
there was an eyewitness
who saw the entire thing.
Well, l have questions
about her testimony.
She said she was at a party.
Not just any party-
a sex party.
Now, how could a woman
at an orgy witness a murder?
The bedroom was a hundred feet
from the window.
Okay, first of all,
the term "orgy" is outdated.
We call them
"genital jamborees."
But still, l don't see
how she could look out
a window and witness a crime.
Trust me, you're banging
eight strangers who responded
to a flyer, at some point
you're gonna look out a window
and question every decision
you've ever made.
Look, l'Il demonstrate.
You people come here.
Okay, Torn, you're over
here on all fours.
Carter, l need
your face right here.
Nope, even closer.
You're gonna want to feel
the heat coming off him.
Okay, Consuela, l'm gonna
need you on your knees.
And we're probably
partway into it here,
so one of your eyes
is stuck shut.
All the way shut- there
are 11 of us, dear.
All right, Tom,
you're squinting.
You're anticipating-
don't-don't do that.
Carl, you can take your fist
out of your own mouth.
Bruce, great work.
Bruce seems like
the only garner here.
Thanks, it's okay
to look the other way
when y'all pass me on the
street with y'all's wives.
I understand.
And that places
the witness right here,
next to the lubricating station
and the terrible
smelling guest book.
Would she be face up?
No, she had small breasts
but a great ass.
She's definitely face down.
But then, how could
she see the window?
Oh, my God.
You're right.
She couldn't have.
And now to take
my position.
This is what l call
the Butter Pat.
Okay, y'all, so we's
now at six "guilty,"
six "not guilty."
So we's all gonna
have to stay here
until we's unanimous
in our verdict.
Well, so what if that woman
at the orgy couldn't see?
There's plenty of other evidence
that West is guilty.
Yeah, let's wrap this up-
I got the director's cut
of Raiders of the Lost Ark
waiting for me at home.
Don't look, Marion.
Okay.
By the way, l'm pregnant.
Maybe just one quick peak.
Come on, people,
he obviously did it.
You know his type-
they're all guilty.
Well, what type is that?
He's one of those plain-lippies.
You know, no mustache
like a normal person.
Prancing around
with his naked lip out
for all the world to see.
Sir, you are talking
to a plain-lippy.
Oh, now,
don't take it like that.
Some of them are all right.
But you know what l mean-
they're all over the place.
How about me, Tucker-
am l all right?
Well, of course
you're all right.
Huh, imagine that.
What happened to me?
I've become my father.
Not guilty.
That really hurt because
it was a real mustache.
Okay, the majority
of this room now believes
that there is reasonable doubt
about Mayor West's guilt.
And what do
the rest of you think?
Look, l just don't think
he could've done it.
Guilty.
Oh, oh, guilty is
the other one?
Well, l don't know!
Okay, it's good
we're talking this out.
Now l'd really like to hear
from the holdouts
because a man's life hangs
in the bal...
Peter, what are you doing?
It's getting very tense in here.
Do you guys mind if l struggle
to open these blinds?
Damn it, come on, stay up there.
You got to yank
it to the side, Peter.
I'm yanking it
as far as it goes.
You got to catch
it on the thing.
Oh, that's helpful.
The left side's getting
lower than the right side.
I can see what's happening.
Now twist it.
All right.
See? Now it's open.
Okay, we's
at 11 to one.
Carter, you're the only person
who still thinks he's guilty.
You're damn right l do-
look at the facts.
There was a dead guy found
in Mayor West's home.
There's no one else
with any motive.
And the police detective who
examined all the evidence
named him the prime suspect.
You guys paid
attention that whole trial?
Lame- not me.
I was too busy
being cool.
The jury is instructed
to disregard
the witness' last remark.
Yeah, whatever, Judge.
None of this stuff's ever
gonna apply to my real life.
I'm just gonna go work in
the mines anyway like my dad.
How would you like to stay
for an hour after the trial?
Oh, l'm real scared.
Is your dad
hitting you, Peter?
Shut up, just shut up!
You have no right, man!
You don't know nothing
about my side of town!
Look, he's guilty,
I just know it.
He's a double-dealing
spineless politician.
But how do you know
he's guilty?
Oh, l know.
Mayor West has
let people down.
Guys, l feel like all
we talk about is Mayor West.
Like who, who has he let down?
Someone who got him elected.
Someone who padded
his expense account.
And all l wanted was
to fire a missile
into a fault line to sink half
of Quahog into the ocean
and make
my real estate waterfront.
You got that from Superman.
Nobody likes you.
I even let him marry
my daughter
Carol, damn it.
I mean, doesn't that
mean anything?
No, not to West, that
ungrateful bastard.
It wasn't that aide that
got stabbed in the back,
it was me!
Not guilty.
Well, l guess that's it.
Yeah, looks like
we've reached our verdict.
You know what
I just realized?
My jury duty's tomorrow.
Ladies and gentlemen of Quahog,
I feel vindicated.
Today the truth has prevailed.
And we've witnessed
the power of the greatest
justice system in all the world.
Yes, Miss Takanawa.
Now that you've been acquitted,
what does the future hold
for Mayor Adam West?
Oh, l don't know.
Into the great wide open
Under them skies of blue
Out in the great wide open
A rebel without a clue.
I'Il probably just remain mayor
of this great city.
This also is part
of my fantasy sequence.
I'Il probably just remain
mayor of this great city.
And l know this is real because
you're not rabbit-people.
Ah, what a day.
You both did your civic duty
and you saved Mayor West.
Yeah, l mean, it was
a pretty intense experience,
but the important thing is,
in the end,
justice was served.
All you did was
let a guy go.
There's still
a murderer out there.
Yeah, but we saved
an innocent man today.
And that's something
to feel good about.
"Feel good about"?
They found eight more
bodies last night.
One of them was
on this block.
There's a maniac out there.
He's cutting people's power off,
breaking into their homes,
and slitting their throats.
And we're dead.