Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 15 - Turban Cowboy - full transcript

Peter becomes a Muslim but later discovers that he is also part of a terrorist plot to blow up a bridge in Quahog.

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

I All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

We now return
to Jeopardy Presents:

"The Best of Contestant Banter."



So, Ben, it says here
you have a connection to milk.

Yes, funny story.
I discovered recently

that l have an allergy to milk.

So l guess we won't
be eating any cheese around you.

And Dennis, you once spent
a night in a tent?

So, uh, what do you guys got
planned for the weekend?

I don't know. l might sit
out in the front yard

with a rake and
wave at cars.

Yeah, and l found a hole
in my fence

I was gonna maybe
stick stuff through.

God, look at us.

How'd we become so dull
and pathetic?

You're right.

I mean, we used
to have hobbies.



Remember when l was
a horse whisperer?

Shh, shh, shh.

That's right.
I bet you're hungry.

It's okay.

That calmed you down,
you horse.

Maybe it's time
the three of us

do something exciting
to shake things up.

Hey, now that's
a good idea, Joe!

All right, okay,
I have two ideas.

One that l think is awesome,

and one that l think
is stupid.

See if you can guess
which one is which.

We could either
A) Rob a Mafia poker game,

or B) Skydive.

Skydiving, huh?
I'd be totally up for that!

Yeah, l've always wanted
to try skydiving!

Really? Eh, could be fun,
I guess.

Besides, l haven't done
anything new

since l learned
to use a palm frond.

So do l try
to match your speed?

Yeah, just match my speed.

And do we stagger
our waves

or do 'em
at the same time?

Um, they should've covered this
in orientation.

Guards, have
the new guy executed!

Am l the new guy?

All right, we're almost at
our jumping altitude.

Does anyone have
any questions?

Yeah, l got one. Can l listen
to my iPod on the way down?

Of course. Just as long

as it's not
Tom Petty's "Free Fallin"'.

I'Il just keep
it in my pocket.

Any other questions?

Let's do this!

That wasn't a question.
Back of the line.

Okay, let's do this!

Hey!

Whoa, is that
Harrison Ford?

Yeah. It said in
the brochure

that he assists
with all the jumps.

Get off my plane!
Get off my plane!

Get off my plane!

Oh, look, he even brought
Calista Flockhart with him.

Uh, Peter, l think that's
just a piece of paper.

Good, 'cause
she looked fat.

Get off my plane!

Get off my plane!
Get off my plane!

All right!

Yeah! This is amazing!

I know,
it's unbelievable!

Hey, guys, let's try
to re-create this feeling

for the rest of our lives,
with drugs.

Oh, it looks like
it's almost time

for us to pull our cords.

Wait, wait, guys.
How about this?

Last one to open their chute
gets 20 bucks.

Okay.
I'm in.

Damn it!

I'm dead already, Peter.

You're looking
at a dead man.

I might not even pull
the cord at all.

Holy crap, this is awesome!

I haven't felt a rush like this
since l won that marathon!

I'm Bob Costas,

here with Boston Marathon
winner Peter Griffin.

Peter, how did you do it?

I'Il tell ya, Bob.

I just got in my car
and drove it.

And when there was a guy
in my way, l killed him.

Kids, have you seen
your father?

Hello?

Is dinner almost ready?!

Yes, Peter.
God, where are you?

I can barely hear you.

Pull back my chair
ever so slightly.

Daddy's home.

All right, it's 4:59.
In just a few seconds,

all the unreturned library books
will be officially late.

The wieners was already drawed
in the books when l got 'em.

"Libra: A strange man will
drop into your life." Hmm.

"Pisces: Be careful
at work today."

Go, go, go, go,
80, go, go, go, go...

Aw! He so shoulda died!
This is bullcrap!

Stop smiling.

90% of the people
playing this are pooping.

Hey, Lois, when are you
gonna do the laundry?

I got, like, six
parachutes in there.

Peter, those things are choking
up the washing machine.

Oh, so now l got you
a bad washing machine

for Christmas.

Little tip, Stewie:

Love dies, and
that's okay.

I write down all his advice
in a little notebook.

Yesterday's was, "I've
never seen a pigeon die

"from eating food
on the ground,

so what's the big whoop?"

Peter, this skydiving thing
has gotta stop.

You've destroyed half
the neighborhood.

And l'm afraid you're
gonna really hurt yourself.

I'm sorry, Lois.

But skydiving is
who l am now.

It's like they say,
fish gotta swim,

birds gotta fly,
and gay guys gotta criticize

the host of the party
behind his back.

Oh, my God, look,
a bowl of M&M's.

What are we, six?

I know. And remind me
to get the recipe

for those chopped-up
hot dogs.

Oh, my God, Josh,
this party is so amazing!

Everything is perfect!
We're having so much fun!

Oh, thanks! l'm so glad
you guys could make it!

Come on. He saw us.
Let's go.

First time?

Yeah.You?

No.
No, not my first time.

Thanks for the lift, Gil.

I think l'Il take
the express down.

Ah, just as gorgeous as ever.

Actually puts me in the mind
to write a spoken word poem.

Am l falling or am l flying?

Am l living or am l dying?

O, Great Spirit, free me

from the bonds of gravity
and criticism.

Deliver me
from my greatest enemy.

His name is Peter.

More specifically,
Peter's Shyness In Public.

O, Great Spirit,

why do l hold myself back
in such situa...?

Oh,
the ground!

Damn it!

The Eiffel Tower?

Oh, cool, l'm in Paris!

Hey, look at that douchebag
who got stabbed in the butt!

Aw, crap, l'm in Vegas.

Well, Peter, l'm glad
you're all right,

but l hope this is the end
of your skydiving career.

Yeah, l'm sorry, Lois.

You know, when l thought
I was gonna die,

I saw my whole life flash
before my eyes,

and we did way too much
Star Wars crap.

I should get the kids home.
It's way past dinner.

What she really means is

that it's shaky Mommy's
white wine time.

Let's go, kids! Come on!
We really gotta go, kids.

Let's go! Come on!

Excuse me. Now that
your family is gone,

would you mind if
we turn on the TV?

Oh, hey. l didn't know
anyone was here.

I, uh, l was just kidding

when l told my family
I loved 'em.

I am Mahmoud.

I'm Peter. You know,
I never seen a hat

like that before,
so l'm very scared of it.

No, this is just
a taqiyah.

It's a traditional
Muslim prayer cap.

Oh. Hey, you know who'd look
funny wearing one of those?

The Monopoly guy.

Correct!

Go directly to jail
and convert to Islam!

'Cause they do that!

Yes,
that is what l intended.

Hey, you're all right,
Mahmoud.

You, too, Peter.

So, what do you
wanna watch?

Well, if you turn on
Channel 14,

we can probably catch the end
of Muslim Looney Tunes.

As a pig, l am very dirty

and should not be touched
by humans.

So, how was
the hospital, Peter?

Oh, my God,
that place was incredible.

They have this one jar, whole
thing was full of cotton balls.

It's amazing how far
medical technology has come.

Well, sure is good
to have you back.

Joe is, uh...

chattier than you'd think
he'd be when you're not here.

Look, l'm just saying

if "pro" is the opposite
of "con",

what is the opposite
of "progress"?

Think about it.

You know, l actually had

a pretty good time in
the hospital.

I even made a new friend.
You did?

In fact, l told him to swing by
if he had time.

It's "congress."

Hello, Peter!

Oh, hey! You made it!
Hey, guys, this is Mahmoud.

Mahmoud, this is Brian,
Quagmire and Joe.

Hello.
Hi, there.

Hey, there. Hello. How are you?

Have a seat.

Any friend of Peter's is
a friend of ours.

Hey, Mahmoud, you know,
I'm actually glad you're here.

Settle an argument
we were having earlier.

Which Spanish chick has
better jugs:

Salma Hayek
or the other one?

Oh, but l do not pay
attention to such things.

I am married.
What?

Okay, well,
how about this, Mahmoud?

You know "progress" has
the word "pro" in it, right?

Shut up, Joe!

Hey, you guys, come on.
Let's get the man a drink.

What are you having?

How about a ginger ale?

But if you'Il excuse me,
right now l have to go

bring great shame to myself
by using the restroom.

Isn't he great?

No, he's weird.

Why'd he order
a ginger ale?

And who the hell doesn't
look at jugs?

Yeah, and he's got
his cell phone clipped

to his belt like he's some
kind of big shot on vacation.

Oh, l see what's going on.

You guys are uncomfortable with
Mahmoud because he's Muslim.

What? What are you
talking about?

This is your post-9/11 racism
talking.

I, for one, think it's great
that Peter has enough

of an open mind
to have a Muslim friend.

You know, a lot of dogs
just sit outside, tied to poles.

Look, Mahmoud's my friend, okay?

So he's Muslim.
Every culture has its quirks.

Italian guys talk
with their hands a lot,

Irish guys drink a lot,

black guys change their shirts
while they tell you a story.

So, how's Bernadette?
She's all right.

She's taking interior
design classes

down at the
community college.

I mean, she's good at
haircutting and everything.

They gave her the chair
right by the door.

But l guess now
she wants

to hang plates on the
wall or whatever.

And you know she gained
the weight back

from the Lap-Band,
right?

That Bernadette
and her pie.

You know it, brother.

Okay, l'm gonna go eat this
steak in the bathroom.

Thanks for getting
dinner, man.

Wow, this place is
really cool, Mahmoud.

It's like ear-bloodening
sounds had sex

with nose-bloodening smells
and this is their baby.

I am glad
you are enjoying yourself.

Would you like some
of my meat fooshnoosh?

It's a chicken that has
been yelled at for two hours

and then run over
by a Mercedes.

Mmm! Mmm! Oh!

You can really taste
the fear in the chicken.

You know, Peter,

a lot of people are
not as accepting

of Muslim culture
as you are.

Well, l think everything
about it is the best.

Like this hookah.

I mean, who doesn't want
to sit around a table

with a bunch of guys and
suck on the same thing?

Mmm, it's like smoking
my grandfather's jacket.

Man, l wish l could stay
here all night, Mahmoud.

But l'm supposed
to pick up

the dry cleaning
before it closes.

I killed a mouse
with my tie.

Nonsense.

I'Il have my wife
pick it up for you.

What?
She'd do that?

Oh, absolutely.

I need you to run an errand
for my friend Peter.

Of course.

Anything for you,
husband.

That was amazing.

She just listened
to everything you said.

Of course she listened.

In Muslim culture,

wives are much more obedient.

No way!
That's awesome!

So wait, let me
get this straight:

Sweet hat, obedient wife,

and l get to shout
"Admiral Akbar"

when l do stuff?

You, sir, have got
yourself a Muslim.

Peter, where
are you going?

And why are you
dressed like that?

Well, Lois, l happen
to be a Muslim now,

which means l'Il be
spending a lot of my time

in mostly-empty cafes,
watching soccer

on an eight-inch
black-and-white TV.

Yes! The team l like
is kicking it!

Oh no! The team l don't like
is kicking it!

Yes! The team l like
is kicking it again!

I will celebrate
with finger cymbals.

Hey, is that for real,

that-that "Diarrhea Only" sign
on your bathroom?

Peter, this is my friend Omar.

He can teach you many things
about our faith,

including how to ululate.

What's that?
It's this:

Oh, my God!
That's terrifying.

I don't know if
I'm ready for that.

No, Peter, it's okay.

Just sing the
beginning of "La Bamba,"

but don't say the "La Bamba" part.
Oh, okay.

Yes, good job!

You're doing it!
I Bamba.

Ooh, so close.

All right, Lois,
I'm off to the bazaar.

What do you mean?

You mean the market?

Yeah, the bazaar.

Well, if you're
going to the market,

can you pick
up some cereal,

some butter, and
a loaf of bread?

I'Il see what
they have.

All right, Lois.

Here's six cobras,
a bolt of silk,

and a ram's horn.

Peter, what the hell?

Hey, can you help me
with the 20 paper bags

of dates l got in the car?

Why the hell would you
get 20 bags of dates?

The monkey in the little
vest who was selling them

happened to be
very persuasive.

You know what?

Fine.

I'm just gonna
assume this will pass,

like your "everywhere is a
racquetball court" phase.

So, Mike, now that you've
thoroughly kicked my butt

all over the court,
what do you say we take

one quick second to talk
about the Wichita account?

And let me assure you,
my racquetball game

is no indication of how we do
business here at J.T. Stern.

Okay, zero serving zero.

I have to say, Peter,

lam impressed by how much

you have committed
yourself to Islam.

Are you kidding?
It's awesome.

I even started wearing
leather sandals

with way-too-long
toenails.

See how the big ones
are getting yellow?

Ah, yes, very Muslim.

Listen, Peter, some
friends of mine and I

are getting
together tonight

and we wanted to invite
you to join us.

O.M.A.

lam so there!

Whose crappy van
should we take?

Actually, we are
meeting here.

Follow me.

Oh, hey, you guys.

Hey, is anyone
gonna object

if l pick my nose
with a dagger?

Mahmoud,
who is this man?

Why would you
bring him here?

Do not worry.
This is Peter.

He believes
in our cause.

How can
you be sure?

Give him the test.

Who is better?

Hulk Hogan or the Iron Sheik?

Um, the Iron Sheik?

Okay. He is one of us.

I told you.

Look at him,
he is the perfect man

to help us blow up
the Quahog Bridge.

Ah! Oh my God!

Everybody down!

So are these toys just, like,
to take?

Hey, guys, what football
team should l like?

Mahmoud says
we all need

to act like we're fans
of American football

so we seem less...
b-buh... buhspicious.

What?
What are you talking about?

I'm talking about Mahmoud.

You know, l actually feel
really bad for him.

Did you know he knew 19 guys
who died on 9/11?

I mean, what are the odds?

Peter, l think
you joined

a terrorist
sleeper cell.

What?! That's crazy.

Look, l'm gonna
call Mahmoud right now

on this cell
phone he gave me.

He'Il tell you.

Damn phone's busted.

Maybe l dialed wrong.

Peter, please stop trying
to call Mahmoud.

This is very
serious.

Your friends
are terrorists.

Think about it.

They're... they're
meeting in secret,

they're creating
cover stories...

Oh, my God, you're right!

See, l told you
Mahmoud was bad news!

Those guys are
all bad news.

Hang on there,
Quagmire.

Just because these few
guys are terrorists

doesn't mean
all Muslims are.

Every ethnic group
has their nut-jobs.

We have the Unabomber,
Timothy McVeigh,

and even that fat guy
at the Atlanta Olympics

who didn't do it,
but he looked mean,

so we said he did.

Joe, you don't get to talk
about the regular Olympics.

Well, l gotta go
down there right now

and tell Mahmoud we can't
be friends anymore.

Wait a minute, Peter.

This could actually
be an opportunity.

You're already
in their group.

They trust you.

If you can find out what
they're planning next,

we might actually be able
to stop an act of terror.

You'd be a hero.

Well, l...
I could try.

I mean, l am a
pretty good actor.

Remember how upset
I seemed to get

when Lois said she
was leaving town

with the kids
for a few days?

Oh, my God, l'm gonna
miss you guys so much.

Don't forget to call
and let me know

exactly when
you'Il be back.

Get out.

Okay, you're all set.

Remember, we'Il be in the van
listening to everything,

so if anything goes wrong,

we'Il pull you right
out of there.

Don't you worry, Joe.

I'Il blend in
like a chameleon

in Courtney
Love's crotch.

Oh my God!

Where did you
just come from?

A very, very
bad hiding place.

Okay, before we get started,

I have an announcement
from headquarters.

"No more shorts."

And this isn't coming from me,
this is management.

This is about me, isn't it?

They don't name names.

They just say,
"No more shorts," okay?

All right, this is our target.

The Quahog Bridge.

We loaded a van
with explosives,

which we will drive
to the bridge and...

Wait a minute- explosives?

Is this not improv class?

No.

Is...

is this improv?

Are you doing improv?

No. Now get out that door!

The real door!

Yes, l have a question:

When exactly are we
doing the bombing?

The attack will
happen tomorrow

during afternoon
rush hour.

And that's actually where
you come in, Peter.

In order to get past the
checkpoint at the toll plaza,

we will need an American
behind the wheel

to arouse the least amount
of suspicion.

Sorry, can you repeat all that?

I just had an itch
right by my microphone.

Microphone?!

He's wearing a wire!

Hey, Joe, can l ask
you a question?

Can you fart? Oh,
of course l can.

I've got a button
for it right here.

Aw, cool!

Hold on. Oh, no!

It sounds like they
found Peter's wire!

Change of plans.

The attack happens now.

Now drive.

Man, l never thought
it would end like this.

Why, what did
you imagine?

Basically the same thing,
only Nathan Lane.

Now, drive!

Okay, you're
good to go.

Pull over up here.

Please, Mahmoud,
don't do this.

It is too late.

The job must be done.

Look, l know you're mad
at our government,

but you gotta realize,
that's only part of America.

We're the land of the free

and the home of the sunburnt,
freckled fat guy.

A place where Jenny McCarthy
has a role

in the debate over
childhood vaccinations.

A country where you can walk
into any IHOP

and see black women fighting.

And where Ubu is considered
a good dog

even though he never sat.

We're the proud nation
where someone can

shoot up their entire workplace
with a thing,

and then the next day nobody
talks about banning that thing.

It's the land that
lets people on Twitter

spell the word "their"
any way they want.

And where, if you think
you can dance,

that assertion will be
challenged and evaluated.

For we...

are America.

You will not convince me.

America must pay for its sins!

Hold it right there!

Mahmoud, you're under arrest.

Look, Joe,
I drove a van.

Oh, Peter,
I'm so glad you're okay.

Oh, me too, Lois.

That was some
pretty rough stuff.

You... you didn't
cry, did you?

Well, l mean, l went
through an awful lot.

Peter, if you cried,
we are done.

Great job, Peter.

Thanks to you, 30 terrorists are
behind bars,

and every middle-class Arab
in this town

is now under suspicion.

So what
happens next,

do those guys
all get trials?

Well, you know...

It's a long... it's the
process, and... whatever.

Well, what do
you guys say

we all go celebrate
at the Clam?

That's a great idea.

Yeah, l think we could
all use a drink.

Tell you what,
let me call Horace

and tell him to
get our table ready.

Peter, did you just... Let's
go, let's go, let's go...