Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 11 - The Giggity Wife - full transcript

After a drunken night out at Harvard with the guys, Quagmire discovers that he married a decrepit old prostitute.

(SINGING) It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

(SINGING) Everyone has fingernails
And everyone wants cash



So send us all your fingernails
And we'll send you some cash

Remember it's just fingernails
So don't expect much cash

Just take the cash
And don't ask why

We want your fingernails

'Cause we might be building
a fort with them

(MAN READING)

- Here you go, fellas.
- Thanks, Horace.

Oh, here, let me get this one, Peter.

(VELCRO RIPS)

Geez, what the hell kind of
stupid wallet is that, Joe?

Ugh. Bonnie's making wallets now.

Look, she's gonna ask you guys to buy one.
I'll just give you the money.

Just don't throw it out
within five miles of where we live.

(VELCRO RIPS)



Hey, why do you have
a Harvard dining hall I.D.?

I pulled over some punk Harvard kid

who gave me a bunch of lip, so I took his I.D.

Man, I bet they got fancy food
up there at Harvard.

Like them turkeys with paper shoes.

Or pigs with apples in their mouths.

Or them lambs
what ain't never seen the light before.

Oh, yeah, I love eating food that's sad.

Hey, you know, we should drive up there
and use that card to eat for free.

That's a great idea! Let's go to Harvard!

Oh, I don't know, you guys.

We'll be as out of place there
as a black guy in Sweden.

ALL: Ooh!

(SPEAKING MOCK SWEDISH)

Wow, so this is it. Harvard University.

The alma mater of Fred Grandy,
Amy Brenneman and Ted Kaczynski.

Are we sure this is
the way to the dining hall?

Oh, I'm sorry, are your feet getting tired?

God, I'd love to be able
to wheel around in a toy all day.

Ah, this is it, you guys.
The Harvard Dining Hall.

Holy crap! This place is amazing!

And just think, this is where Helen Keller
used to eat when she went here.

Tonight, I want to go out
and just get wasted.

And not one of these campus bars.
I want to get wrecked by a townie.

Helen, you're outrageous.

I can't believe you're
getting away with this.

I've been getting away with this
since I was seven.

Believe me, I know what I'm doing.

Good morning, girls. Helen.

(MOANING INCOHERENTLY)

No freaking way.

They have breakfast for dinner.
Lois never lets me do that!

(TOUCHTONES BEEPING)

(RINGING)

Lois, do you have any idea
what I'm looking at right now?

LOIS: Peter, we 're not doing this again.

l am at Harvard,

the smartest school in the country,
and they have...

Peter, breakfast for dinner is anarchy.

It's fun, Lois! it's whimsical!

It's ridiculous!
Pancakes are not a nighttime food.

- You're ridiculous!
-(BEEPS)

Boy, breakfast for dinner is a real
hot-button issue for you guys, huh?

She's also mad 'cause I shook Stewie
and now he's walking weird.

Hey, was Beowulf a Teen Wolf sequel
with Scott Baio?

- No.
- Ugh.

Then I just totally failed
that Medieval Lit midterm.

So this is a Harvard bar, huh?
Seems pretty normal.

Hey, check it out,
there's the Winklevoss twins.

- Let's get a drink.
- Get a drink.

Let's get a drink. I thought of it first.

Hey, you guys noticed how many Asians
there are at this school?

- I mean, how'd they all get so smart?
- I don't know.

Guess that's just the way God made 'em.

Gentlemen, I give you the Asian.

ALL: Ooh!

Compact, hairless and fiercely intelligent.

The penises, while tiny,
are extremely efficient.

We're projecting 10 billion
within five years.

Also, there'll be different varieties

that will all hate each other
for some reason.

- Do they eat just, like, regular food?
- No, no, no, the opposite.

(SLOW DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(MEN WHOOPING)

All right, this is more like it.

Way better than
that lame-ass college joint.

Yeah, finally a terrible Boston bar
with a giant low-def TV.

Let's go, Celtics!

I think that's The Dr. Oz Show.

What are you talking about?
This is the last scene of Independence Day.

Hey, look, even the bartender's low-def.

Hey, what can I get you fellas?

- Hey, what do you say we get some shots?
- Yeah! Let's get wasted!

Yeah! Let's get wicked bombed!

Sorry, pal, we already
have an intense wheelchair guy.

Well, now, hold on, hold on.

- What's your name, friend?
- Peter.

Yeah, we already got a wheelchair guy.

Oh, hey, Stewie.

Hey, sometimes when
daddies drive home drunk,

they come from faraway places,

but it's okay
because they didn't get arrested

and they're still kind of drunk
so they think it's okay.

You should know that Mom
has emotionally let you go.

It won't belong before she takes a lover.

Oh, my head!

She already has two cellphones.

Oh, man, what happened last night?

WOMAN: (WITH RASPY VOICE)
I can tell you what happened.

What the... Who the hell are you?

Who the hell do you think I am, sweetie?

- Oh, no. You mean...
- That's right, baby.

As of last night, we're man and wife.

By the way, I need you to call my pimp
and tell him I quit.

Oh, my God, I...

- I married a hooker?
- Married?

All right, bachelor party!
Come on! Back to Boston!

(ENGINE STARTS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Oh... Oh, damn it. I guess we're not going.

Hey, Stewie, here's five bucks. Get naked.

This can't be possible!
I can't be married to a prostitute!

Where will you two be going
on your scummymoon?

And can I plan your bridal golden shower?

- I don't even know your name!
- It's Charmese.

- Perfect.
- Listen, Charmese,

I was obviously very, very drunk.
This whole thing is a huge mistake.

Now, we got to fix this right away.

Like hell we do, sweet cream.

This is just what I've always wanted,

to settle down, find a husband
and live the married life.

And now I got that.

Your new wife is a human toilet.

Look, I don't remember
anything about last night.

How do I even know we're really married?

I got our marriage certificate right here.

It's legit.

And it looks like I signed
one of the witness lines

and Peter partially signed the other.

(CHUCKLES) Joe, look.

You know, after 40 years
in my line of work,

I've learned the difference
between true love

and doing the entire bowling team
of a pizza restaurant

on a box spring by a brook.

This is true love.

Hey, what's our last name again?

Hey, I hope you guys don't mind,
but I got you a little wedding gift.

A carrot?

It's the one she used on herself
in front of us.

Oh, come on!

Quagmire, if you're gonna
be married to a whore,

you're gonna need
to have a sense of humor.

You know, Quagmire,
I was thinking last night,

I might remember Charmese
from a stag party in 1991.

Ask her if she remembers
getting hit in the forehead

with a meatball sandwich.

You guys, I can't stay married to her.

This whole thing is a complete disaster!

In fact, you know what?

I got to go down
to the courthouse right now

and file for divorce. This thing ends now.

Hang on, Quagmire.
I'm not sure that's a good idea.

Why not?
I got to get that woman out of my life.

I had to pour halfa box
of Carpet Fresh on her crotch,

just to stay asleep last night.

Yeah, but listen, Quagmire.

Quahog has some extremely
draconian laws governing divorce

that all heavily favor the woman.

- What? What do you mean?
- Well, to be honest,

if you divorce her,
she'll probably get everything you have.

What? No, that's impossible!
I can't lose all my money and my house!

Then I'll have to move into some
depressing divorced-guy apartment!

As you can see, we have plenty
of cabinet space for your plate.

The oven, of course, is just decorative.

Seems okay.
Do you have any other units available?

This is our only one.

- I hope you're happy, Marsha!
-(THUDS)

We might have something upstairs.

Sorry, Quagmire,
but the only way around the law

- is if the woman consents to a divorce.
- Consent?

But Charmese will never agree to that.

You heard her,
the crazy skank wants to be a wife.

She's found herself a husband
and she's not letting go.

I bet she's what happens

if you put a Hooters girl
in the microwave on "high."

Well, the only other choice
is to let her take all your money.

Ugh. Well, I obviously can't do that.
I guess I'm just gonna have to suck it up...

Let her suck it up, she's the expert.
Sorry, keep going.

...and at least try to make
things work with Charmese.

And who knows?
Maybe it won't be that bad.

After all, I liked her enough
to marry her last night.

I must've seen something in her.

There you go, that's the spirit, buddy.
There's a little bit of good in everyone.

Except that president guy
from The Hunger Games.

He was pretty bad.

This year, in addition to the Hunger Games,

we're going to do
the Special Hunger Games.

- I'm Andy!
- I love you, Andy!

Come on, guys, fight.

So, Doc, I figured if Charmese and I
are gonna live as man and wife,

I ought to get her checked out.

Of course. Charmese, when's the last time
you had a pelvic exam?

- When was the Missouri Compromise?
- Uh, I think 1821.

- Then I've never had a pelvic exam.
- All right, I'm going in.

If I tug on the rope twice,
that means pull me out.

God, who are the pigs

who just throw
their empty beer cans down here?

Hey, Charmese.
You know, I really love your clothes.

I found a lot of them
on strung-out teenage corpses.

That's so lovely.
But I was thinking, maybe this afternoon

you'd like to borrow my credit card
and buy yourself a new wardrobe.

You know, something
a little more conservative.

Really? That's so sweet, Glenn.

No one's ever cared
about me like that before.

Thank you.

(SINGING) Uptown girl

She's been living in her uptown world

I bet she never had a backstreet guy

I bet her mama never told her why

I'm gonna try for an uptown girl

She's been living in her white-bread world

As long as anyone with hot blood can

I would like to pawn all these clothes
for crack money.

Gosh, thanks so much
for having us over, you guys.

Of course, Glenn.

Welcome to our home, Charmese.
Sit anywhere you like.

That chair with the garbage bag
taped over it looks pretty good.

Meg, you look pretty next to her.

So, Charmese,

I was thinking of writing an article
about you for my school paper.

Do you charge black guys more or less?

Mmm. That's a hard question to answer.
Most of them get a group rate.

Come on, now, let's not talk about work.
It's a dinner party.

Are you and Glenn thinking about children?

Unfortunately, I can't have children.

Oh. Menopause?

No, I got knifed
in the vagina one Christmas.

Oh, the holidays are always stressful.

I have $3.74. Do something to me.

(SPITS)

I love you.

I want to take you away from all this.

They're supposedly putting
an ice cream place

where the shoe store was.

Excuse me, Lois, where's your bathroom?

I got to check on a whistling sound.

Upstairs, to the left.

Um, I'm obsessed with Charmese.

Hey. Let's do it.

- What? You mean, like sex?
- Yeah, and we should go now.

I just stuffed everything back into place.

Uh, you know, Charmese,
I don't really think I'm in the mood.

What? You're never in the mood.

We've been married two weeks,

and we haven't done it
since that first night.

I haven't gone two weeks without sex
since I was in a coma for six weeks.

Yeah, sorry, Charmese,
I'm just not feeling it.

Geez, what the hell's your problem?

- What are you, gay or something?
- Excuse me?

You heard me. Are you some kind of 'mo?

Oh, God, please tell me I'm
not married to some Nancy boy.

Why? Would that be a problem?

Are you kidding? 'Course it would.

My dream is
to live the married life and settle down.

- I can't be doing that with no gay.
- I see.

Well, Charmese, I have something
to tell you, and this isn't easy.

- But I'm gay.
- What? No. You can't be.

(STAMMERING) You were so into me
that first night.

Honestly, I thought your vaginal gatherings
were the timid penis of a coy first date.

Well, first of all, I'm flattered,
but, Glenn, this is heartbreaking.

I was gonna be your perfect little wife.

I was gonna make you breakfast
maybe once a week,

and give you stuff to do

right when you walk
through the door after work.

And I would've loved that, Charmese,
if I just weren't so super-duper double gay.

(SOBBING)

This is awful.

Oh, don't cry, Charmese.
You'll find the right guy.

There's someone for everyone.
Even if you're a narcissistic pedophile.

Hey, Ma, we got any pictures
of me when I was a kid?

Maybe something in a tub?

- I'm really sorry it didn't work out, Glenn.
- Me, too, Charmese.

I'll send the divorce papers to that Rite Aid
where you brush your teeth.

-(DOOR CLOSES)
-(ENGINE STARTS)

- Hey, buddy, what happened? She gone?
- Yep, I'm off the hook, Peter.

I told Charmese I was gay,

and now she's gonna consent
to a no-fault divorce.

That's brilliant, Quagmire.

It's the exact opposite
of what Hugh Jackman does.

Pretend you're gay to get out of marriage.

Oh, thank God.
I really dodged a bullet there.

I don't know what the hell I was thinking.

Everybody makes mistakes. Even doctors.

(CHARGING)

- You forgot to say...
- I forgot to say "clear."

Ah, finally, back to my old life.

Hello, Internet porn.

Man, I haven't done this in two weeks.
I should weigh myself before and after.

Sorry, I forgot my prescription mouthwash.

-(SCREAMS)
- Oh, my God. What are you watching?

That's straight porn.

Listen, Charmese,
it's not what you think, all right?

I've been poisoned,
and I'm trying to make myself throw up.

Gay men don't watch straight porn.

- You lied to me, you son of a bitch.
- No, no, I'm gay, I swear!

Here, watch me, go there.

Jen Aniston?
More like Jen Can't-get-a-man-iston!

See? I went there.

Damn it, Glenn, if you're not gay,
then the divorce is off.

No, no, I am. I swear to God.

All right, fine.

If you're really gay
and you want that divorce,

All you got to do is one thing.

- Anything, Charmese. Name it.
- Prove it.

- Let me watch you have sex with a man.
-(STAMMERS) What?

You heard me.
I want to see you get it on with a guy.

(SIGHS)

All right, Charmese, I'll do it.

If that's what it takes,
I'll have sex with another man.

(RINGS)

Look, Daddy.

Teacher says every time a bell rings,

some gay guy's gonna have
sex with another gay guy.

We're gonna pull you out of that school.

MAN: (ON TV) We now return to
"The Dyslexic Baseball Wrap-Up."

And the Yew Nork Nankees bave beaten

The Oltimore Barioles nive
to foo here at Yamden Cards.

The Borioles now lace a fong toad rip

Where they'll face the Sed Rox,
the Revil Days and the Jue Blays.

(KNOCKING)

- Hey, Peter, you got a minute?
- Oh, yeah, sure. Come on in, Quagmire.

Listen, I need to ask you to do something,
and it's something huge.

I mean, it's, like, the biggest thing
a guy could ever ask his friend to do.

Hey, we're best pals, right?
Whatever you need.

All right, and you have to understand,

I would never ask you to do this
if I had any other choice

and if what were at stake

was anything less
than my entire way of life.

Geez, Quagmire, what is it?

(SIGHS) Charmese won't give me a divorce
because she doesn't believe I'm gay,

So I need you to have sex
with me while she watches.

- I have some demands.
- Of course, of course.

Nobody can ever know.

Absolutely.
I'm right there with you on that one.

There will be no kissing on the mouth.

- Okay.
- I changed my mind.

- There will be kissing on the mouth.
- Uh, all right.

Good. Now, what else? What else? Uh, yes.

If, per chance, it is beautiful,
I reserve the right to cry.

Peter, I can't imagine any scenario
where this is gonna be beautiful.

Oh, I can. I'm a very passionate man.

Haven't you ever seen
my Spanish soap operas?

Mi amor.

(MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS)

Papa!

(MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS)

Niño!

(MARIACHI GUITAR PLAYS)

Bueno.

(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS)

Ugh. Peter, can we just get out of here?
I want to get this over with.

This was part of the deal, Quagmire.

- I need this to be a lovely evening.
- Fine.

- How was work today?
- I don't want to talk about work.

Hey, should we go
someplace else for dessert?

You know, someplace fun, downtown,
where the college kids go?

What? I'm not taking you to
two different restaurants.

Huh. Hard to believe
your marriage isn't working out.

- A rose for the gentleman?
- What? No. Scram.

Hey, I'm not just a
poorly cleaned butt-hole.

There's a whole man around it
that you have to please.

Ugh. Fine. Here.

(SMELLS)

Quagmire, what's going on with you?
You don't seem very present tonight.

Why are you so tense?

I'm tense because
I have to bang you in 20 minutes!

Well, if it's so much of a chore.

What the fuck is going on with my life?

Okay, Charmese, here we go.
Are you sure you want to watch this?

I'm just warning you,
you're in the splash zone.

- If I get anything out, I'll be happy.
- Get on with it.

Uh, okay.

Here, let me stroke your hair.

Thank you. I want to do gay things for you.

L... l crave your groin.

Yes, and I cannot wait
to intertwine our bodies

and make each other's fingers
smell terrible.

Enough! Kiss each other.

(RETCHING)

(SWALLOWS)

- Yeah, that was so hot.
- Just like we always do.

Now take off each other's clothes.

- Oh, God, I'm so excited for gay sex.
- Me, too.

Your body makes me so horny.

Shut up and do it.

(WHIMPERING)

It's very close, Peter.
It's grazing your hairs.

Come on, Peter.

Sir lan McKellen does this.
You can do this.

- Here we go.
- Here we go.

- Here we go!
- Just do it!

Wait.

(SIGHS) Stop.

Look, Glenn, you're obviously not gay.

-(STAMMERING) Yes, I am.
- Well, I'm something

'cause I've been at full-sail
for the last half hour.

No, Glenn, you're not.
I see that now, and the truth is,

if you're willing to go this far
to get a divorce,

then maybe we shouldn't
be married after all.

What... What are you saying?

I'm saying, I'll give you your divorce.
You're off the hook.

Oh!

Oh, thank you, Charmese.
Thank you so much.

(STAMMERS) I can't believe
you'd do that for me.

Well, it's for me, too.

You were real nice to me, Glenn,
nicer than any other guy's been,

but I wanted to be somebody's wife,
not somebody's burden.

- Good luck to you, sweetie.
- And good luck to you, Charmese.

Thanks. You're very special to me.

I'm sorry my urine melted a hole
through your toilet.

Aw.

- Oh, thank God that's over.
- Yeah, no kidding.

Hey, you know,
there's not too many guys in the world

who would be willing to do
something like that for their pal.

Ah, don't mention it.

No, no, you're an amazing friend,
and I really owe you.

- Thanks, Peter.
- Ah, you're welcome, buddy.

Hey, Quagmire, why is the red
light blinking on your computer?

What are we watching? Glee?