Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 12 - Valentine's Day in Quahog - full transcript

Shows how the individual characters spend their Valentine's Day.

(SINGING) It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Okay, I got one. Who would you rather do?
Lois or Bonnie?

- Well, Bonnie has a moisture issue.
- So does Lois.



Punch Lois in the back of the head.

She just black out or is there a chance
she might have a seizure?

- I don't know.
- Okay. I thought you guys were married.

MAN ON RADIO: Ail units,
we've got a possible homicide

at Number One, Mayor's Mansion lane.

My God. That's the mayor's mansion.

Thank God he's finally gone.
Here's your drugs, Peter.

We now return to Bottom Chef.

- Daniel L., please pack your fudge and go.
-Fine!

TOM: We interrupt this
broadcast with breaking news.

An aide to Mayor Adam West

Has been found stabbed to death
at the mayor's mansion.

That's right, Tom.

Police say the victim was killed
by a knife belonging to the mayor,



who is considered the
prime suspect at this time.

- Oh, my God.
- Uncle Adam!

Uptown emergency.
Don't got to finish my green beans.

Peter, you stay there
and finish those green beans.

But my stomach's upset
on account of the news.

Also found in the mayor's residence,
was a blackmail note from the victim

threatening to expose the mayor
in a corruption scandal

unless the victim was paid off.

You can put a picture of a note
above my shoulder any time now, Tony.

No, that's the Rose Bow! Parade.

That's the Pumpkin Festival.

Okay, okay, you think that humiliates me?

I don't care. Oscar De La Hays does it.

We now go live to Tricia Takanawa,
who is outside the mayor's mansion.

Tom, I'm standing outside
the mayor's mansion,

where, against the wishes of his attorneys,

the mayor has agreed to an
impromptu press conference.

- Mayor West!
- Mayor West!

- What do you know about the murder?
- Did you kill that man?

Yes, I'll take a question from the reporter

from the
Quahog Elementary School Gazette.

Timmy?

Are you afraid of the dark?

I thought we had an understanding
that the dark was off limits.

This press conference is over.

This has been
Tricia Takanawa with the news.

And now I will have
my normal post-news review

from my mom in her car.

You no good! You no good on news!
You stiff, like washing board!

Joan Lunden mother, so happy.
Tricia Takanawa mother, so sad.

Wow, he really did it.

I always knew Mayor West
was a little crazy,

but I never thought he was
capable of something like this.

The mayor's going to jail.
That means anything goes.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I pushed a lady.

God, I can already hear the jokes

Jay Leno is gonna be
telling about our mayor.

- Yeah, like what?
- You know,

it's like you can already hear them.

- You know?
- Like what?

Like exactly what jokes do you hear?
Tell me one of the jokes.

Brian, all I have to do is
start fake sneezing around you

and you'll spend the rest
of your life outside.

Yeah, yeah, I can hear some of the jokes.

Well, I guess you just never know

What kind of rage
some people have bottled up.

Well, we all got anger, Chris.

The important thing is
finding a healthy way to channel it.

For me, as you know, it's the family bath.

Peter, how long do we have to sit here?

Until I'm not angry anymore,
you naked bunch of bitches!

Everyone, please be seated.

We will now hear
the defense attorney's closing statement.

I switched seats.

In closing, although it seems pretty clear
that my client committed this murder,

I would consider it a personal favor to me
if you found him not guilty.

That's your closing argument?

Those karate lessons are really paying off.
Thank you, Sensei.

- Welcome.
- He came.

Jurors, you have now heard
all the facts of this case.

I remind you that
because we are a small town,

many of you may have ties
with the defendant or the victim.

You must set aside
these personal connections

and render an impartial
and unanimous verdict.

Does anyone have any questions?

Yeah, is Toblerone
the fanciest thing in the world?

I just don't understand.
How could Uncle Adam do this?

He's the mayor of our town.

Well, Meg, life isn't always as simple
as what they teach you at school.

I don't know, Mom.
I have a pretty realistic Home Ec class.

Okay, kids. Now I'm gonna
take the casserole out of the oven.

Okay, it's a little burned.
No reason to panic.

-(CAR SCREECHING TO HALT)
-(DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)

Oh, God, that's Daddy. He's home early.

Let-Let's get some spices in here
and fix this.

(DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)

Okay, he's inside the house.
Let's hope his meeting went well.

- MAN: God, that meeting went awful!
- Oh, boy.

MAN: What's that smell?
Did you burn dinner, you stupid pig?

Okay, kids, put your heads down.
Put your heads down.

And don't try to stand
between me and your father,

it'll just make it worse.

Sol has been asked by the judge
to be the foreman,

and I want y'all to know

that we's gonna run
a fair jury and a clean jury,

so I brought some wet naps
for everyone to wipe off their areas.

'Cause one of us gets sick,
we's all gonna get sick.

And that may lead to some of us
getting sicker than others.

Look, can we get this underway?
I mean, we were all in that courtroom.

What is there to discuss?
It's obvious he did it.

(ARGUING)

Plus, I got to get back to the station.

If I'm not there by 5:00,
Joyce will anchor the news,

and I don't think anyone
wants that to happen again.

Our top story. Guys, right?

Yes, it's open and shut.

Now let's just vote him guilty
and get out of here.

Look, I know everyone's in a hurry,

but shouldn't we at least
go over the evidence once

before we vote, just to be fair?

You know what would shed
some light on the case?

If we huck water balloons
at people in the street.

They were carrying a trampoline.

Here's the facts.

There was a note from the victim,

threatening to expose the mayor
in a corruption scandal.

The murder weapon
was the mayor's own knife.

And finally, that lady

with the Peter Gallagher eyebrows
on the witness stand,

saw the whole thing.

Okay, let's get down to business.
All in favor of "guilty," raise your hands.

Guilty.

All "guilty." Good.
Well, that's it, let's get out of here.

Anyone for "not guilty"?

(ARGUING)

What the hell?

All right, looks like
we's gonna be here a while.

Who wants pizza for dinner?

And who wants
Purina Moist and Meaty Dog Chow?

(ARGUING)

I had that for breakfast!

What do you mean "not guilty"?
What's wrong with you?

Shoot, that was a stomachache.
I told that guy he had polio.

Look, the system specifies the defendant

must be proven guilty
beyond a reasonable doubt.

Mayor West's life is on the line here.
I'm just saying, it's possible he didn't do it.

(ARGUING)

That's for the jury to decide.

Mayor West is crazy. He should've
been locked up a long time ago.

Yeah, there's definitely
something off about him.

I'm his physician.

Okay, now we'll just test those reflexes.

- MAN 1: Hey, did you hear that?
- MAN 2: There's someone out there.

- MAN 3: Hello?
- WOMAN: We're in here!

MAN 4: There are six of us!

Look, we all saw that blackmail note.
Mayor West is the only one with a motive.

I don't even know why we're discussing it.

Well, was Mayor West
the only one with a motive?

I mean, there are people who would benefit
if he were put away for murder.

Political rivals, special interests.

I mean, it's possible
he could have been framed.

(ARGUING)

Enough!

Was a movie with Jennifer Lopez
that did not live up to expectations.

Well, Mayor West did say
he never saw the letter.

- And he was under oath.
- Yeah, he lied.

Of course he lied, he's a politician.
They're all liars.

Yeah! John F. Kennedy swore
he'd serve a full four-year term.

Liar.

Look, we should be sticking
to the facts, not stereotypes.

It's unfair to say
that all politicians are liars,

therefore Mayor West is guilty.

Brian's right.

I was a county alderman once
and I never told no fibs.

I bent over backwards and forwards
for them constituents.

It's important to make sure everyone
is happy, so I took a lot of polls.

Gay stuff.

Yeah, and I served honorably
as a U.N. interpreter.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Okay, he's mad about something.
He appears to be talking really fast.

He spits whenever he makes the "ch" noise,

which, in this language, happens a lot.

I'm expected to entertain him
and his wife tonight,

so if anyone knows a good
restaurant in the area...

Sushi or tapas,

something where they're always
bringing stuff to the table

So you have something to talk about.
You know?

"Hey, what's this? This looks good..."

War, war, war!
That last sentence was about war!

Look, an expert confirmed

that the blackmail note
was signed by the victim.

That points irrefutably to West.

Well, maybe we should
take a look at that letter.

Yeah, I'd like to see that.
'Cause I can read it just like everybody else.

And the charade continues.

- Bailiff, please.
- Yeah?

Mr. Bailiff, we request that you
bring us the note from the victim.

Joe, what the hell are you doing out there?
You're a cop, not a bailiff.

I'm undercover.
Someone's been raping all the bailiffs.

So you're just sitting around
waiting to be raped?

MAN: Hey, Bailiff, can I talk to you
for a second in this broom closet?

Sure, strange man.
I can't wait to hear what this is all about.

Well, there's your motive.

A note from the victim
threatening Mayor West.

What more proof do you want?

Yeah, are you trying to
suggest that Mayor West's enemy

faked a corruption letter
and then killed himself?

That's idiotic!

But it just might work.

What?

You know, something bothered me
about the stationery that note was on,

with the-the decorative "M" border.

It's from the office of the mayor.
The "M" is for "mayor."

- What are you getting at?
- No, no.

I'm pretty sure the "M" is for "Marriott."

How do you know?

Because I once got a note from the Marriott
written on the same paper.

"Dear Brian.
You were amazing last night. Love, Ida."

(LAUGHS) This is from the night
you had sex with Quagmire's dad.

Come on!

I did a dog once,
but I was in the Philippines,

and I sure as hell didn't
write him a letter.

What? So what does that prove?

The victim had access

to all the office-of-the-mayor
stationery he could ever want,

yet he hand-made a letterhead
on stationery from a Marriott?

As far as I'm concerned, that casts doubt.

(ARGUING)

Look, you guys just say the word

and I'll put this ball with cheese in it
on the floor.

We won't hear from him
for an hour and a half.

Look, if I'm still the only one
who says "not guilty,"

I won't hold things up any longer.

Let's vote again, and I'll abstain.

If it's unanimous,
I'll change my vote and we can all go home.

Okay, everyone take one of these
here and write their vote.

Hey, Quagmire,
you gonna write something funny?

No, Peter, I'm not.

I'm starting to think all you do
is dick around.

Sorry.

Everyone vote? Okay, now let's count.

"Guilty." "Guilty."

Some hurtful slurs
followed by the word "guilty."

(LAUGHS)

"Guilty." "Guilty."

"El guilto."

"Guilty." "Guilty."

This one's just a squiggly line.

That's "guilty" in Latin.

You're playing a dangerous game, Carl.

"Guilty."

"Not guilty."

(ARGUING)

ALL: Ew!

I farted during the murmuring.

What monumental douche
voted "not guilty" on this no-brainer?

I think we know who the flip-flopper is.

Bruce didn't change his vote. I did.

(ALL GASPING)

I respect Brian's courage.

It's not easy to stand alone,
or find the child who stands alone,

but that's the one you want.

- I'd like to change my vote.
- Me, too.

- I wanna change mine back then.
- Me, too.

Great minds.

Look, we have been cooped up
in this room for five hours now.

I'm starting to feel like
an animal in a cage.

Yeah, or a T. rex trying to masturbate.

All right, Internet porn, check.
Tissues, check.

Lotion, check. Okay, let's go.

Aw!

(GROWLS)

(ROARING)

And that's why they were
such vicious killers.

(SINGING) He couldn't masturbate
because his arms are too short

They feared him from Kilpatrick
down to Galway Bay Port

Luckily he found a wife
so he could ha ve sex

The non-masturba tin' Tyrannosaurus rex

Okay, look, tempers are starting
to get a little heated,

so why don't we all go take us
a little potty break?

Now you're all gonna have to witness me

taking an old-man pill that looks
way too big to swallow.

(GRUNTING)

(GAGGING)

(GULPS)

There we go.

It's his fault we're still here.

How is it you think
you know everything anyway?

You don't even understand
your feelings for the mailman.

(BRIAN BARKING)

You motherfucker, get out of here
or I'll kill you!

But come back tomorrow same time.

I get very sad on Sundays
when you're not here.

- CARL: Hey, what the hell, man.
- What?

CARL: You just made eye contact with me
through the crack in the door,

like, for a long time.

Just seeing if anyone was in there.

CARL: Yeah, but you knew that
after half a second, but you kept looking.

You're gross. You're a gross guy.

- PETER: Damn it.
- MORT: What happened?

PETER: I dropped my phone in the toilet.

-(SPLASHING)
-(PETER GROANS)

it's so cold and it's under everything.

I feel like I'm rooting around
a pitcher of sangria.

Where is it?
Oh, my God, why haven't I found it yet?

Oh, no, I didn't roll
my sleeve up far enough.

Why didn't I flush when I got in here?

(GROANS) This isn't even all mine!

Oh, no, there's a spider
crawling on my face.

(GROANS) Why didn't I use the hand
that was on the floor?

Why did I use my toilet hand?

Wait, here it is behind the toilet.

(CLOCK TICKING)

This is ridiculous.

Even if you don't believe
the note was legitimate,

there was an eyewitness
who saw the entire thing.

Well, I have questions about her testimony.

She said she was at a party.
Not just any party, a sex party.

Now, how could a woman at an orgy
witness a murder?

The bedroom was 100 feet
from the window.

Okay, first of all,
the term "orgy" is outdated.

We call them, "Genital jamborees."

But still, I don't see how she could look out
a window and witness a crime.

Trust me, you're banging eight strangers
who responded to a flyer,

at some point
you're gonna look out a window

and question every decision
you've ever made.

Look, I'll demonstrate.
You people come here.

Okay, Tom, you're over here on all fours.

Carter, I need your face right here.

Nope, even closer.

You're gonna want to feel
the heat coming off him.

Okay, Consuela, I'm gonna
need you on your knees.

And we're probably partway into it here,
so one of your eyes is stuck shut.

All the way shut. There are 11 of us, dear.

All right, Tom, you're squinting.
You're anticipating. Don't do that.

Carl, you can take your fist
out of your own mouth.

Bruce, great work.

Bruce seems like the only gamer here.

Thanks, it's okay to look the other way

when y'all pass me on the street
with y'all's wives. I understand.

And that places the witness right here,

next to the lubricating station
and the terrible-smelling guest book.

Would she be face up?

No, she had small breasts, but a great ass.
She's definitely face down.

But then, how could she see the window?

Oh, my God. You're right.
She couldn't have.

And now to take my position.
This is what I call "The Butter Pat".

(CLOCK TICKING)

Okay, y'all, so we's now at six "guilty,"
six "not guilty."

So we's all gonna have to stay here
until we's unanimous in our verdict.

Well, so what if that woman
at the orgy couldn't see?

There's plenty of other evidence
that West is guilty.

Yeah, let's wrap this up.
I got the director's out

of Raiders of the Lost Ark
waiting for me at home.

- Don't look, Marion.
- Okay.

- By the way, I'm pregnant.
- Maybe just one quick peak.

Come on, people, he obviously did it.
You know his type, they're all guilty.

- Well, what type is that?
- He's one of those plain-lippies.

You know, no mustache
like a normal person.

Prancing around with his naked lip out
for all the world to see.

Sir, you are talking to a plain-lippy.

Now, don't take it like that.
Some of them are all right.

But you know what I mean,
they're all over the place.

How about me, Tucker, am I all right?

Well, of course you're all right.

(GASPING)

Imagine that.

What happened to me?
I've become my father.

Not guilty.

That really hurt because
it was a real mustache.

Okay, the majority of this room
now believes

that there is reasonable doubt
about Mayor West's guilt.

And what do the rest of you think?

L...

Look, I just don't think
he could've done it.

Guilty.

Guilty is the other one?
Well, I don't know!

Okay, it's good we're talking this out.

Now I'd really like to hear
from the holdouts

because a man's life hangs in the...

Peter, what are you doing?

It's getting very tense in here.

Do you guys mind if I struggle
to open these blinds?

Damn it, come on, stay up there.

QUAGMIRE: You got to yank it
to the side, Peter.

I'm yanking it as far as it goes.

- CARL: You got to catch it on the thing.
- That's helpful.

DR. HARTMAN: The left side's getting lower
than the right side.

I can see what's happening.

- QUAGMIRE: Now twist it.
- All right.

See? Now it's open.

Okay, we's at 11 to one.

Carter, you're the only person
who still thinks he's guilty.

You're damn right I do. Look at the facts.

There was a dead guy found
in Mayor West's home.

There's no one else with any motive.

And the police detective
who examined all the evidence

named him the prime suspect.

Pfft. You guys paid attention
that whole trial? Lame. Not me.

I was too busy being cool.

The jury is instructed to disregard
the witness' last remark.

Yeah, whatever, Judge.

None of this stuffs ever
gonna apply to my real life.

I'm just gonna go work in the mines,
anyway, like my dad.

How would you like to stay
for an hour after the trial?

I'm real scared.

Is your dad hitting you, Peter?

Shut up, just shut up!
You have no right, man!

You don't know nothing
about my side of town!

Look, he's guilty, I just know it.
He's a double-dealing spineless politician.

- But how do you know he's guilty?
- I know.

Mayor West has let people down.

Guys, I feel like all
we talk about is Mayor West.

Like who, who has he let down?

Someone who got him elected.
Someone who padded his expense account.

And all I wanted was to fire a missile
into a fault line

to sink half of Quahog into the ocean
and make my real estate waterfront.

You got that from Superman.

Nobody likes you.

I even let him marry
my daughter Carol, damn it.

I mean, doesn't that mean anything?
No, not to West, that ungrateful bastard.

It wasn't that aide
that got stabbed in the back,

it was me!

(SOBBING)

Not guilty.

Well, I guess that's it.

Yeah, looks like we've reached our verdict.

You know what I just realized?
My jury duty's tomorrow.

Ladies and gentlemen of Quahog,
l feel vindicated.

Today the truth has prevailed.

And we've witnessed
the power of the greatest

justice system in all the world.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Yes, Miss Takanawa.

Now that you've been acquitted,

What does the future hold
for Mayor Adam West?

I don't know.

(SINGING) Into the great wide open

Under them skies of blue

Out in the great wide open

A rebel without a clue

I'll probably just remain
mayor of this great city.

This also is part of my fantasy sequence.

I'll probably just remain
mayor of this great city.

And I know this is real because
you're not rabbit-people.

What a day.

You both did your civic duty
and you saved Mayor West.

Yeah, and you know,
I wasn't Facebook friends

with a lot of those guys before,
but now I am.

God, Seamus has listened to Many Many
on Spotify over 2,000 times.

Yeah, I mean,
it was a pretty intense experience,

but the important thing is, in the end,
justice was served.

All you did was let a guy go.
There's still a murderer out there.

Yeah, but we saved an innocent man today,
and that's something to feel good about.

"Feel good about"?
They found eight more bodies last night.

One of them was on this block.

There's a maniac out there.
He's cutting people's power off,

breaking into their homes,
and slitting their throats.

STEWIE: And we're dead.