Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 10 - Brian's Play - full transcript

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those good
old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
fam... ily... guy!

Wow, l'm so excited
for Brian.

Remember, kids-
if it's terrible,



at the end, we all say,
"You did it!"

I can't believe we're
going to the theater

the same day Chris
drowned a mouse in a puddle.

I mean, don't we need a day
to clear our heads?

Boy, this takes me back.

You know, l was, uh...

kind of one of those theater
kids in high school.

Suddenly Seymour...

He purified me

He purified you

Suddenly Seymour...

Mrs. Andrews, l pooped
in the pot again.

I'm gonna need somebody
to clean me up.

It's really bad this time.



Wow, what a turnout.

Oh, hey, there's Glenn.

Hey, guys.

Hey, this is my date,
Consuela.

No, no, no.

Okay, we're here
as friends,

but l'm gonna change
your mind one day.

Oh, l'm so proud of Brian.

It's hard to believe
he's the same dog

who barked at a pineapple
for four hours.

Close your purse.
I can see your tampons.

And why do you need six?

What happens to you?

There's the man
of the hour.

Hey, Brian, can you believe

I found this blazer
on the side of the highway?

Hey, guys.
Thanks for coming.

Big night, Brian.
How you feeling?

Well, a little nervous.

I just want it to go well.

Fingers crossed.

Will there be
an intermission?

Because that will determine
whether or not

I bring this empty Gatorade
bottle into the theater.

This is
unacceptable!

Sorry, guys,
I got to go-

They didn't put masking tape
over a seat for Tom Tucker

and he's in there
pitching a fit.

Do you
know who l am?!

I'm Tom Tucker,
damn it!

I make more in an hour
than you make in two hours!

Oh, the play's about to start.

Mom, am l going to fit
in the seat

or is this going to be
like last time?

This should tide you
over for a while.

I'Il come back
as soon as l can.

She's not coming
back, you know.

How do you know that?

'Cause she's
my mom, too.

Excuse me, that's my seat.

We'Il talk
about this at home.

Let's see.

Who's in this thing?

Sad. Nobody.

Sad. Sad. Nobody.

Victor Garber?

That's pretty good.

How did he get Victor...?

Oh, of course.

Tonight it's Randall Evan
Battincourt.

God, l hate understudies.

King Louis the Sixteenth

has been sentenced to death
by guillotine.

The part of King Louis
the Sixteenth

will be played
by Jean de Menard.

Relax, you're
going to do great.

Nailed it.

Well, as usual,

this is gonna suck
for one of us.

Donna? It's Grant,
your new husband.

Hi, honey.

I've got great news.

What is it?

First, where do we keep
the good scotch?

At your brother's house.

I got an audition for the
hottest new play in town.

This could really
make my career

and we can finally
start our family.

What's it called?

A Passing Fancy.

That's the name of this play.

How did he do that?
How did he do that?!

I got you your ten-year
anniversary present.

Suntan lotion?

But we live
in the Northeast.

That's right, we do.

Unless we were moving
to California.

He must've got the part.

When he going
to meet Evita?

Not every play is Evita.

Oh, no.
I feel terrible.

Why?
Don't you want to go?

No- l got you
a parka.

Those two are never
on the same page.

Wait for the look...

And that's why it works.

Donna, don't go!

It's not too late.
We can still start our family.

Don't you see?

You already have
a family.

It's right there.

Those won't keep you
warm at night.

Good-bye, Grant.

It's funny, isn't it?

All these years, l was
the passing fancy.

Get up, you jerk.

Wow, that was amazing!

I mean, usually,
the shows suck in this town.

Like Moishe, the low-energy
Bar Mitzvah clown.

Ooh, what's this?

A quarter.

I found it behind
your ear earlier.

All right, that's enough
tricks for you.

I'm going to go lie
down on the coats.

Hey, has anybody seen
the review yet?

No, we've been waiting for you.

Thanks.

Oh, here it is.

"Here's hoping A Passing Fancy
is actually a staying fancy.

"The highest praise goes
to playwright Brian Griffin

"for his hilarious
and insightful look

"into modern relationships.

"If you see only one play
as an adult,

I urge you to see this one."

Hey, can you read
that page

with all the little paragraphs
about dead people?

Those are hilarious.

This is amazing, Brian.
How do you feel?

You're a hit!

It's... overwhelming.

This is all l've ever wanted,
you know?

For people to appreciate
and respect my writing.

I want to write
a play!

Aw, that's cute, Stewie.

Maybe someday.

No, l'm going
to write a play.

I can do lots
of things.

I was the human resources
director for the Muppets.

Mr. Beaker, it is my
unfortunate task

to inform you
that your services

will no longer be required
by this company.

Well, if you must know,

it's because we've
noticed large quantities

of benzene, ephedrine

and everyday Epsom salt
have gone missing.

Oh, please.

We both know those
are the ingredients

used to make
crystal meth.

And l've got
a pretty good idea

who you've been
selling it to as well.

Oh, hey, uh, Beaker,

when you're done
talking to your friend,

I want to, uh, eh...

I want to talk to you
about that thing.

Hey, what you doing?

I was going to start
rehearsing my new play.

Want to hear it?

Oh, you actually wrote
a little play.

Aw, boy, l wish
I could hang out,

but it has just
gotten so crazy.

Really?
I know, right?

I mean, l'm not
complaining, you know?

But l just... l want
my old life back.

I'm just kidding,
of course.

I'm so grateful,
you know?

I mean, every
performance is sold out

and they just added
a Wednesday matinee.

It's great.

I mean, there's only
one thing l'm not getting

out of this experience.

What's that?
Sleep.

No, no, l'm so
grateful, really.

It's just that l'm-I'm
so busy all the time.

But it's great.
It's all great.

Well, do you think you might
have time to read it?

All right, all right.

But be patient,
all right?

I've got interviews and
appearances all week.

I mean, they're squeezing

every last drop they
can out of me,

like a bottle of ketchup.

Listen, we've been at this
for 15 minutes.

I don't think anything's
coming out.

I'm fine.
I can keep going.

I'm just really tired.

What if l stick my finger
in your hole?

Eh, that only works
when l'm already close.

The American play was dying.

Have-have we brought it
back to life here?

I can't say that,
but it has a pulse.

You're such an amazing
writer, Brian.

How do you do it?
What's your process?

Oh, God, Allison,
how do l even answer that?

Uh, l mean, what's
a rainbow's process?

Two parts rain, one part sun,
one part childlike wonder.

What we do know, though,

is that the end result
in both cases is joy.

Wow.

Wow, are you glad you left
the lighthouse now, Seamus?

Oh, l think so, Seamus!

Excuse me, l noticed
you were talking loud,

so that means you're smart.

But would you mind-
and l hate asking-

but would you mind
signing this?

Is this guy giving you
a hard time, Brian?

Nah, he's all right.

All right. Cool, cool.

How you doing, buddy?

My God.

It's miraculous.

Hey, Brian, can you
read my play?

Sorry, there was a fart
trapped in the play.

Hey, Jasper, how are you?

Hey, Brian!

Congratulations
on your new play.

Oh, thanks.

What's wrong?
You look awful.

What happened?

I read the play Stewie wrote.

She writes plays now?

Yes, and it was brilliant.

Jasper, l've never read anything
like it in my life.

It was insightful and fresh
and intelligent.

It's like his play
is mocking me.

He wrote it in a night.

Ugh, that's how l feel whenever
I see Brad Goreski on Bravo.

God, everyone's on Bravo but me.

Anyhoo, have you told him
how good it is?

No. l just read it.

He gave it to me
'cause he wanted my feedback.

Okay, listen to me.

Tell Stewie it's awful,
it's garbage.

Do whatever
you have to do, Brian,

but never let him know
he's got talent.

Yeah, you're right.

It won't be so hard.

After all, l've
certainly clone worse.

I replaced Peter's
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

with real butter.

Buh... wuh... suh... muh-wuh...

I... l can't...
I can't believe...

Muh... wuh...

I don't know, Doctor.

Looking back, l think it
may have been real butter.

Your husband murdered
three children.

Oh, my God.
Look at this.

Brian, get in here.

What?

Your play has
been nominated

for a local Hoggy Award
for Best Creative Anything.

Oh, that's great.

Um, l'm gonna...

I'm going to go get some air.

Look at that.

Nominated
for an award.

What have you
two done today?

I found a lump
under one of my balls.

Okay, that's
something.

I ate three quarters
of an Entenmann's strudel.

Youse are good kids.

Hey, so did you get
a chance to read my play?

Uh... l did.

I did.

Ooh, l'm so nervous.

What'd you think?

Stewie, you and l
are friends, right?

Yeah, l mean,
I know you

through our mutual
friend Greg,

but sure, l'd say
we're friends now.

Exactly. And-and
as your friend,

you'd want me to be
honest with you, right?

Totally.

It wasn't good.

Oh, no, really?

Oh, l worked
so hard on it.

Oh, l thought it
was good. Aw.

Oh, l know, l wanted it
to be good so much.

Oh, l am so bummed out
right now.

I-I... Now l don't even know
if l should submit it.

Wha... Submit it?

Yeah, l was planning
to submit it

to the Roundabout Theater
Company in New York.

No! l mean...

Oh, l mean, that-that
would be a bad idea.

Definitely not.

No, no, they won't let
you down easy like l did.

New York can be pretty harsh,
especially to outsiders.

Hello, New York!

Ugh, maybe you're right.
I'Il think about it.

Anyway, can l have that back?
It's my only copy.

Your only COPY?

Yes.

And thank you
for being a good friend

and telling me
the truth, Brian.

I know that was
hard for you.

And to show my appreciation
for reading my play,

I made you this.

Wow, "good dog."

And it's official?

That's what it says,
doesn't it?

I wish my dad was
alive to see this.

Hey.

Who the hell
are you?

I'm the guy Stewie pays
to watch him sleep.

Who are you?

I'm Brian.
I live here.

Oh.

Do you mind if
I take this script?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

He just pays me
to watch him sleep

and rub this knife
across my face while l do it.

Oh.

Okay.

Hey, how much
does Stewie pay you?

$4,800 a week.

Yeah.

Hey, Brian.

Oh, hey, Stewie.

Listen, have you
seen my play?

You know, Stewie,
I have seen your play,

and it is
exhilarating to me.

A child's play is one of

the most beautiful
things in the world.

Continue to play,
little one.

You're our future.

What the are
you talking about?

The play l wrote.
Have you seen it?

Uh, l don't know.
Let me call my lawyer.

Hello. l'm
being cross-examined.

No, l haven't...
I haven't seen it.

Really? 'Cause l had it
sitting right on my table...

I said l haven't
seen it, all right!

And what does it matter?
It was terrible anyway!

We've had this conversation!

Do yourself a favor
and move on!

Well, that's interesting, Brian,
because l found this

buried in the backyard
next to your soup bone.

Stewie, l...

You tried to destroy it,
didn't you?

I knew my play was good.

Just like l knew your play
was a mediocre patchwork

of hackneyed ideas
and tired clich?s.

You have no idea how hard it was

to sit in that theater
with all those braying hyenas.

Couldn't you tell
something was up

when Chris and the fat man
could follow the plot?

I mean, it took Peter a year
to figure out Stuart Little.

I just figured it out.

"Stuart" means "mouse."

No, Peter.

"Little" means "mouse"?

No, Peter.

I feel so old
and in the way.

It's still a good play!

It's filled with terrible
double entendres,

puns and stolen bits.

There's a line in there
from Seinfeld!

I never saw that episode!

I have a voice.

Do you understand that?

A writer needs a voice,
and l have one.

You don't.

Your play panders to the lowest
common denominator, Brian.

And it doesn't even
do that well.

Shut up!

May every person

that laughs at your
sophomoric effort

be a reminder
of your eternal mediocrity

and pierce your heart
like a knife.

Come here, you bastard!

You stink!

And your play stinks!

This ain't about me, is it?

No.

And l'm sorry...

but nobody can ever know that.

Donna? It's Grant,
your new husband!

Hi, honey.

I've got
great news.

What is it?

First, where do we keep
the good scotch?

At your
brother's house.

Lois, can l
have my birthday here?

Seems to be going well.

What do you want?

Wanted to share
a bit of good news.

I just found out
that my play

is going to be
produced on Broadway.

What?

And l'm taking Randall
Evan Battincourt with me.

Hi, Stewie.
I'Il be right there.

I just got to
finish this crap.

Hey, l need you
to take me to New York

for the opening night
of my play.

No way.

Besides, l checked,
and there's no play

by Stewie Griffin
opening in New York.

I submitted it
under a pseudonym.

They think it was written
by Tony Dovolani.

I thought your pseudonym
was Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower.

That's my dodge ball
pseudonym.

Look, if you won't take me,

I'm sure the New York Theater
League would send a car.

New York Theater League? Why?

Because they're throwing
a welcome dinner in my honor.

Really?

Well, l guess l could
clear my schedule.

Oh, you won't
regret it, Brian.

All the most important
Broadway people will be there.

Playwrights, money men,
even Stanley Kowalski.

Hi. l'm Michael.

Michael!

Um, and this is my wife, Nancy.

Nancy!

And this is our Uzbekistani
friend, Bokyavroychesku.

Hi.

Stewie, don't you think you're
overdoing it with that outfit?

I don't wear anything l can't
take off with a flourish.

Wow, this is amazing.

Every major
playwright is here.

Yes, and it seems to be
quite a successful party.

Several of them have
already committed suicide.

Great party.

Totally!

Hey, Tony.

Oh, my God,
that's David Mamet.

There's the man
of the evening.

I read your play,
An American Marriage.

It was incredibly raw.
I was pretty damn impressed.

Oh, thank you, David.

David, this is Brian.
Brian, David.

Oh, it's an honor.

Listen, l just
want to say

what an inspiration
Glengarry Glen Ross was to me

when l was writing
my own play.

Easy.

Is that
Tony Dovolani?

Hello. Alan Bennett.

Fantastic play.

And l'm
Yasmina Reza.

Oh, are you his night nurse?

No, l'm
a playwright.

I wrote Art and
God of Carnage.

I won
a Pulitzer.

You want to say your
grade point average, too?

Boy, it's just
so weird to be in a room

where every single person
in the room is a playwright.

Every single
one of us.

Everyone.

Including me.

I'm a playwright.

Brian, my God,
take it down a notch.

You're a playwright?
In New York?

Well, Quahog,
Rhode Island.

You're kidding.

We just went and saw a play
in Quahog, Rhode Island.

Really?

Have you ever heard
of A Passing Fancy?

I have!

Oh, my God,
what a load of rubbish.

We have this thing
where we go

to the worst regional theater
we can find

and laugh ourselves sick.

And this one took
the grand prize.

Really?

I-I had heard
only good things.

It was a piece
of on a!

Oh, my God.

I got to hear David Mamet
curse in person.

Oh, there you are.

That was the worst
night of my life.

It's not like you were
the only fat guy in there.

What?

Oh, this is about
the play. Sorry.

I was so happy until
I read your play, Stewie.

I finally had some kind
of success as a writer.

It wasn't big,
but it was mine.

I was fine being an okay writer,

until l discovered l was living
in a house with a brilliant one.

I know we don't talk
about doggy years a lot,

but l-l just wish
you could have waited

to find out how talented
you were until l was gone.

By the time l'm dead,
you won't even be ten.

You'Il have 70 more years
to be great.

I just wish l could have
had five to be good.

There's your voice, Brian.

It's a depressing voice,
but it's yours.

Write from that.

Listen, me and
the other playwrights

are going out
to have drinks

with Woody Allen
and his daughter-wife.

You want to come?

All right.

We can just sit here
for a while.

They talked a lot more crap
about you after you left.

Oh, God, that was just terrible.
Terrible.

I don't understand.

Stewie, what happened
to the play you wrote?

That was terrible.

Well, l gave it
a final polish.

Changed a few things.

Guess l kind of mucked
the whole thing up.

But how? You...

Wait.

Did you do that... for me?

What are you talking about?
I'm a young writer.

I just wasn't as ready
as l thought l was.

Maybe in a couple of years,
who knows?

Stewie, you shouldn't
have done that.

But... thanks.

No problem, Brian.

Hey, what do you say we head back home?
That sounds good.

You know, l'm going to move to
New York City when l'm older,

'cause it's
twinkly and big

and this is where
dreams come true,

and that giant bird's
coming for us, isn't he?