Family Guy (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 9 - Grumpy Old Man - full transcript
Lois's dad retires to a senior community in Florida, but has trouble getting used to it.
# It seems today
that all you see #
# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV #
# But where are those
good old-fashioned values #
# On which we used to rely? #
# Lucky there's a family guy #
# Lucky there's a man
who positively can do #
# All the things that make us #
# Laugh and cry #
# He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! #
* Family Guy 10x09 *
Grumpy Old Man
Original Air Date on December 11, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Good morning.
I'm Tom Tucker.
Coming up, we talk
to a man on the street
while a man further back
on the street flips you off.
But first, Quahog was hit by
a major blizzard last night.
Here with more details
on the snowstorm
is Asian correspondent
Tricia Nakahoma.
That's wrong.
That's wrong.
You're not doing
good so far.
I'm standing here surrounded
by snowdrifts, stalled cars,
and the one douchebag
who wears a tank top
every time there's a blizzard.
Yeah, this is nothin'.
Guy at work drank a
quart of motor oil once
and didn't even
die from it.
Put that on the
news, but you won't.
Hey, guys, check it out.
I peed my name in the snow.
- Geez, Joe.
- That's normal.
Wow, looks like the whole
neighborhood's out here.
Yeah, I just hope
that weird albino
up the street doesn't show up.
That guy creeps me out.
- Hello, Peter.
- Dah! Dah!
H-Hey. Hey, Bill.
What are you doing out
here in all this snow?
Just taking my rabbit
to the vet.
Well, I'm all done shoveling
your walk, Mr. Herbert.
Thanks, Chris, but
there's some in here, too.
Hey, check
it out-- lemon snow.
- What?
- Yeah, that stuff's delicious.
Lemon snow? You mean it just
falls from the sky like that?
You bet. One of nature's treats.
- You gonna have some?
- Nah, I'm already full.
But you should have some before
the other kids get to it.
What is it?
Like Italian ice?
Yeah, exactly,
like a sorbet.
Ugh! That's not lemon!
- No, it's not.
- You bastard!
I was having fun playing in the
snow, and now you've ruined it,
like a pizza place
ruins a salad.
Okay, four pizzas
and a salad.
Salad? How do
you make a salad?
First, you throw in
the whole head of lettuce.
Even the hard-to-eat
white part at the bottom?
That's what the people want!
Now, what else?
I got a can of
whole black olives.
Should I slice them up?
What are you, crazy?
No, you keep 'em whole.
You're gonna want to know you've
got an olive in your mouth.
What about this tomato?
Cut it into thirds.
It should be big enough
to pretend you've got red teeth.
How about this carrot?
Should I cut it up?
Yes, but very thin lengthwise.
The whole length
of the carrot.
One thin slice.
Okay, what else do we got?
Well, we got these hot peppers,
but you can't really eat them.
No problem. Dump 'em all in.
Now, should we
put it in a bowl?
No, let's put it
in a lasagna tray.
Okay, great, I'll take it.
Oh, and make sure to stick it
right on top of the pizzas
so it stays nice and warm.
Hello, every pizza place.
All right, Stewie, you
all set to spend the day
with Grandma and Grandpa?
Ugh, I hate being around
old people.
They've always got weird stuff
in their refrigerator.
Ah, I'm hungry.
What do we got?
Let's see. Eye drops,
baking soda and some film.
Close the door.
You're running up
long distance charges!
Ah, sorry.
Thought I had more time.
Hi, Daddy.
Stewie's all ready.
You boys have fun.
There's my little guy.
# Well, Grandpa's here. #
Oh, God, it's
the song again.
# Yes, Grandpa's here! #
It doesn't even
rhyme at all.
# He's going to buy you a soda
and drive you around. #
Let's go.
Hey, just so you know, we're not
listening to a radio station.
We're listening to the hiss
between two radio stations.
Whoa. Watch your driving!
Is he... Is he sleeping?
Hey! Hey, wake up! Wake up!
You, lady, wake him up!
You like the Tom and Jerry,
do you, dear?
Well, we'll dial them up
when we get home.
What the hell are you talking
about?! We're about to...
What happened?
Where are my
knitting needles?
Goodness, dear, I'm so sorry.
No worries.
Now I can work at Hot Topic
and make people sick
as I ring up their purchases.
Oh, damn it.
Dude, bad news.
You're dead.
What? But I'm Death!
Sorry, dude.
Super Death.
You're done.
So what now?
I go to Heaven?
Nope, when a Death dies,
he gets reincarnated.
You're being reincarnated as
a Chinese baby right... now!
- Girl?
- Girl.
Oh, no!
The egg that I was supposed
to take care of
for my high school project!
Mr. Burke was right.
I'm not ready to be a parent.
Wait a minute.
I'm not in high school anymore.
Maybe this is all a dream.
Aah! It was a dream!
I need a glass of water.
Wait a minute.
I moved out of the desert
years ago.
Maybe this is a dream!
Aah!
Phew.
I am ready
to be a parent, Mr. Burke.
Daddy, I'm so happy
you're all right.
We're lucky
it wasn't more serious.
Hey, how's
the old guy doing?
Ugh, now here's Joe.
Why is everybody
we know depressing?
Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm afraid
I have some bad news.
I'm gonna have to revoke
your driver's license.
What?!
It's obvious your advanced age
has impaired your ability
to drive safely.
Please, Joe, I know he had
an accident,
but can't you look the
other way
this one time
as a friend?
Yeah, you know, Joe,
you owe this family.
I didn't tell anyone about
your Fiona Apple tribute video.
# #
# I've been a bad, bad girl #
# I've been careless
with a delicate man #
# And it's a sad, sad world #
# When a girl will break a boy,
just because she can. #
I'm brok.
Joe, open the garage.
I've earned this private time!
Listen, I don't
have time for this.
I'm late for a hostile
takeover of a jelly factory.
I'll show those Smuckers.
That's fine,
but you can't drive.
Oh, don't be
ridiculous!
Driver Pete at
your service, sir.
- Peter, we're not doing that.
- Aw.
Carter, you work
too much as it is.
You're not a young
man anymore.
You need to slow down.
Slow down?! I
can't slow down.
I'm running a six-billion-
dollar company.
If I slow down, the
company goes under.
It just seems
to me that perhaps
it's time to think
about retirement.
Never! Retirement's
for old people.
I can work till I die.
Maybe even after that.
Mr. Pewterschmidt, the
gentlemen from Zurich
are here for your 10:00.
Will you need
anything else?
Mr. Pewterschmidt!
But, dear, we are old.
We can't keep pretending
that nothing's changed.
I mean, we almost injured
our grandchild today.
Besides, you're always
complaining
that you don't have
enough time to play polo
or sit in a chair
and moisten your mouth.
That is true.
It does sometimes take me
a while to moisten my mouth.
There we go, all moist.
You see, dear?
And that's only
the beginning.
Retirement will be
a wonderful adventure,
and we'll do it together.
You're gonna retire?
From what?
There, isn't it fun already?
Okay. I'll retire.
Oh, Daddy, I think
that's for the best.
I need a doctor!
Is there a doctor?!
We now return to
The Superfriends' Accountant.
Look, you guys
are hemorrhaging money.
This Hall of Justice is sitting
on five acres
of commercial real estate.
How do you afford this?
We're the Superfriends.
Yeah, but you guys
have no income.
You owe four million dollars
in back property taxes.
We fight evil
wherever we find it.
Well, that's not
gonna be enough.
Look, you may
need to reach out
to some wealthy benefactors
for financial backing.
Do any of you know
billionaire Bruce Wayne?
No. None of us do.
And he wouldn't want to lend
us money anyway... I hear.
Hey, hey, hey!
What's up, Ginas...
'g-'ginas... vaginas?
What's up,
vaginas?!
Ah-ha, gotcha!
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
what are you doing here?
I'm retired now. Got
a lot of free time.
So what do you guys
do here?
Well, we usually just sit here
and complain about our lives.
Like this morning, Lois was such
a pain in the ass...
Hey! That's my daughter
you're talking about!
Oh. I mean this, um,
redheaded lady
who lives in my bed was a real
pain in the ass this morning.
Oh, she sounds like a bitch.
Yeah, what a bitch.
Bitchazoid, right, guys?
Yeah. I hope you're doing her.
Oh, big time.
Yeah, that's hot.
That's hot. I'm gonna think
about that tonight.
Oh, we do all kinds
of crazy stuff.
Sometimes
we even have phone sax.
Don't you mean
phone sex?
No, Joe.
Phone sax.
Are you ready?
You better believe it.
(playing "Baker Street")
Oh, Peter!
Yeah. Now your turn.
And do it how I like.
Okay.
Yeah. Don't wash
the mouthpiece.
Good news, guys.
Now that Grandpa's retired,
he's gonna have more time
to spend with us.
Oh!
We don't want to do that, Mom.
Yeah, all he ever does is
ask you what you want to do
so he can shoot it down and
tell you what he wants to do.
Hey, there's
my family!
So, what do you guys
want to do today?
I'd like to go
to the mall, Grandpa.
No parking at the mall.
It's a terrible place.
What else?
Um, how about
the zoo?
Too much walking.
Too much noise.
You can't have
any good conversation.
Not like at Chili's.
Where else?
Well, there's always the beach.
No, you got to sit
on the ground to eat.
I need a cushioned chair with
back support like at Chili's.
Okay, well...
how about Chili's?
Maybe, maybe.
Let's get in the car
and see where it takes us.
Hey, Carter.
Hello, Quandary.
It's, uh...
It's Quagmire.
You looking for Peter?
No, he's at work. Lame.
Oh. Well, what
do you want?
I hear you're kind of
a cool guy.
Thought maybe
we could hang out.
Uh... okay.
Okay! Carter and Quandary,
hanging out.
All right, I just got to go take
a misty, stop-and-go piss
in your bathroom,
then we'll be good to go.
Lois, how the hell much
longer is your dad gonna
be hanging around here?
- He's starting to drive me crazy.
- I know, Peter,
but he's my father and I
don't know what else to do.
Well, I don't know how
much more I can take.
I can't even get
any sleep with him here.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Wha-Wha-Wha-Wha- What is it?
I can't sleep.
I'm scared of ghosts.
Carter, there's
no such thing as ghosts.
Are you sure?
Well, now I'm not.
Come on, get in here!
It's safe under
here, right?
I think so,
but I'm not sure.
I just recently started
believing in ghosts.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy.
Lois! What are
you two doing here?
Well, we wanted to talk
to you about something.
Hmm. What's that?
Well, we were just thinking,
now that Daddy's retired
that you and he might be happier
in a place where you can be
with people your own age.
You know, make some new friends.
What are you talking about?
Well, we actually
brought you a few brochures
of some lovely retirement
communities in Florida.
And I helped.
Florida?!
Mm, this one's even
got the word "sunset"
four times in
the name of it.
Huh. These people are
biking without helmets.
Must be a pretty
kick-back place.
These actually
look quite nice,
and we could finally get away
from these dreadful winters.
Yeah. We'll even help you
move in and get settled.
Wait a minute, why would
I want to live in Florida?
Black people's votes go
right in the garbage.
All right!
We're moving to Florida!
Oh, Carter,
this is wonderful!
Aw, look at
that smile, Lois.
Reminds of that guy
who was way too happy he
didn't get killed on 9/11.
I'm ten minutes
late for work!
Look at that!
I stayed up late
watching Monday Night Football
and that saved my life, huh?
Isn't that awesome?
Oh, but oh...
Hi there. Welcome.
I'm Ryan, the manager
here at Oceanside,
and I'll be showing
you around today.
First question, though:
are you two old enough
to be here?
Oh, dear!
I like you, Ryan.
You're cool.
Over there is our statue
of Angela Lansbury.
Protect us, oh, Lansbury,
from rude teenagers,
from soup that is both
too hot and too cold,
and from anyone who calls,
but please have people call.
Our state-of-the-art movie
theater is equipped
with some terrific innovations
to cater to our residents,
including a button on every seat
that will pause the film
whenever anyone
has a question.
Hey, guys.
- Why is he blue now?
- Is it cold on that planet?
Why are they mumbling?
Why does everyone
in pictures today mumble?
I can't hear!
# #
Is that Sig-nory Weaver?
That's not how you say it.
Well, she shouldn't be smoking.
She's a handsome woman,
and that'll ruin her fast.
# #
Is Unobtainium
very easy to obtain?
Well, I hope you
enjoyed the tour.
Oh, yeah, it was great.
Except for that lady who
kept yelling "Byaah! Byaah!"
Well, we'll just need you
to fill out this paperwork,
and then we'll get you
moved into your condo.
Oh, isn't this
wonderful, dear!
No! No, it's not
wonderful at all!
There's no way in hell
I'm gonna live here!
This place is nothing but old
people marching to their deaths!
You hear me?
I'm not one of you!
And I never will be!
Hey, look, it's
old man Withers,
the guy who owns
the amusement park!
But let's see who's
really under there.
A skeleton!
- Can I have my face back?
- No!
You're going to jail!
Oh, this is dreadful.
I thought Carter and I were
going to be so happy here.
I'll tell you what, Babs,
let me have a talk with him.
Hey there, buddy.
Go away!
You know, you remind
me of a guy I know.
This guy worked and worked
and never wanted to retire,
even though it would've been
the best thing for him.
You know what that
man's name was?
Jon Benet Ramsey.
I-I-I think.
I think that's the guy.
- What?
- You're darn right what.
Now, let's get
back in there.
Peter, get lost! I'm not gonna
retire, and that's that!
Come on, Carter, everybody's
got to retire at some point.
Like that drill sergeant
with Alzheimer's.
Looks like we got
a joker here.
What's your
name, soldier?
Sir, McArdle, sir!
Well, no!
You look like some
kind of joker to me.
What's your
name, soldier?
Sir, McArdle, sir!
Are you me?
Probably some
kind of joker.
What's your
name, soldier?
Sir, McArdle, sir!
Well, la-dee da!
I guess we got some
kind of joker here!
Look, Carter, I'll
make a deal with you.
You give me just one day
to show you how great retired
life can be for an old fella,
and I'll let you honk
the horn one time.
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
I'm pretending
there's traffic.
There you go, that's...
- Once!
- God, I wasn't even gonna do it!
So, how do you
win this game?
Just fill this out when they
say the letter and the numbers?
Eh, that's a sucker's bet.
There's only one way
to win this game--
wait for someone else to win
and steal his card.
G-27.
Bingo!
- It's go time.
- What do we do, sneak up behind him?
No, he's got cataracts.
Follow my lead.
Bingo, bitches!
Bingo.
All right, Carter,
now that you're retired,
you're gonna need a
whole new wardrobe.
And what better place to start
than the Slightly Open Robery?
# Hey, hobo man #
# Hey, Dapper Dan,
you've both got your style #
# But, brother,
you're never fully dressed #
# Without a smile... #
Yes. The penis one.
All right, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
now, you know how
in your building
your office temperature
was controlled
by a central air system
that you had nothing to do with?
Yeah, I hated that.
Well, check it out-- this room
has its very own thermostat
that you can fiddle with.
- Really?
I can change the
temperature in here?
You're retired-- you
can do anything you want.
Well, I am kind of warm.
I'll try it out.
Oh, that's perfect.
Now I'm cold.
Crank up the thermostat.
Ah, wonderful.
Hotter than
blazes in here.
But wait-- I can
turn the heat down.
He's learning.
Bye, you guys.
We'll be down
to visit real soon.
Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm glad you
finally came around about this place.
Peter, I got to admit,
it's not bad at all.
Never thought I'd get
used to the idea
of giving up work and just
devoting my life to leisure.
I guess this is what people
mean by the word "relax."
Take care, dear.
We'll see you soon.
Yeah, have fun.
Just remember not to go out
into actual Florida.
You don't want
to meet those people.
Hi. I just moved
into the neighborhood,
and I'm required by law to inform
you that I am a sex offender.
Oh, don't worry
about it-- so am I.
This whole block
is S.O.'s.
We use the abbreviation "S.O's"
because it saves a lot of time
over saying "Sex Offender," because
that's all we talk about.
Well, I'm also into football.
Don't care.
No time for F.B.
All about S.O.
Make no mistake, Florida
is the South's trash can.
Boy, these eggs
are delicious.
Good job, Lois.
Good job, local hen.
Aw, bucka bucka baw.
Hello?
Hi, Mom.
What?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, o-okay, we'll be
down there as soon as we can.
Mom, what's wrong?
We're going
to Florida.
Why? What happened?
There's something horribly wrong
with your grandpa.
Oh, Lois!
I'm so glad
you made it.
He's been like this for days.
Oh, my God!
...cream of wheat.
...Jeopardy.
...butterscotch pudding.
This is awful!
What's happened to him?
I don't know, dear.
He sleeps 18 hours a day,
he refuses to bathe,
and he's stopped
making any sense.
Aw, that sounds like
the sad little fat girl
who lives in all of us
and is struggling
to get out.
Did my parents
call yet?
Nobody's looking for you!
Now, stay in there!
Sometimes she tries
to get out the other way.
That's why I keep
a cork in my bum.
Daddy?
Daddy, can you hear me?
Oh, God, we should never
have brought him here.
You're right, dear.
I can't stand
to see him like this.
Well, we got
to do something.
Don't worry, you guys, I think
I might know how to fix this.
But first look-- I turned
him into Groucho Marx.
That's hilarious.
Peter, what is this
supposed to accomplish?
Don't you see, Lois?
When we forced him to retire,
we took all the challenge
out of his life.
Perhaps some people aren't
meant to retire at all.
Exactly! Now, let's see if we
can put some fire back into him.
Margot, it's time to take this
company in a new direction--
starting with being honest with
the IRS about our profits.
We're also gonna stop
reading employee e-mails.
...our servers.
And from now on it's
against the rules
to pat female employees
on the fanny.
...like touching butts!
And tell the African-American
elevator attendant
he no longer has to
wear white gloves.
Why don't you just tell him
he can sleep with my wife, too?!
Daddy!
Oh, Carter!
You're back!
You're damn
right I am!
Don't you ever try to
stick me in one of those
retirement places again!
I plan on sitting behind this desk
until the day I die.
Getting old is right
for some people,
but not for me.
- I know, Daddy.
You were right,
and we're sorry.
Hey, Mom.
No, Mom, you're staying
in the nursing home.
I... I don't care.
I-I don't care.
M-Mom, believe me, no one
is touching you in your sleep.
'Cause you're gross.
And even if they are, so what,
who are you saving yourself for?
Hey, look, I-I got to go.
I don't know if we're coming
to Thanksgiving.
Because I don't know!
- She's staying in there.
- I know.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
that all you see #
# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV #
# But where are those
good old-fashioned values #
# On which we used to rely? #
# Lucky there's a family guy #
# Lucky there's a man
who positively can do #
# All the things that make us #
# Laugh and cry #
# He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! #
* Family Guy 10x09 *
Grumpy Old Man
Original Air Date on December 11, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Good morning.
I'm Tom Tucker.
Coming up, we talk
to a man on the street
while a man further back
on the street flips you off.
But first, Quahog was hit by
a major blizzard last night.
Here with more details
on the snowstorm
is Asian correspondent
Tricia Nakahoma.
That's wrong.
That's wrong.
You're not doing
good so far.
I'm standing here surrounded
by snowdrifts, stalled cars,
and the one douchebag
who wears a tank top
every time there's a blizzard.
Yeah, this is nothin'.
Guy at work drank a
quart of motor oil once
and didn't even
die from it.
Put that on the
news, but you won't.
Hey, guys, check it out.
I peed my name in the snow.
- Geez, Joe.
- That's normal.
Wow, looks like the whole
neighborhood's out here.
Yeah, I just hope
that weird albino
up the street doesn't show up.
That guy creeps me out.
- Hello, Peter.
- Dah! Dah!
H-Hey. Hey, Bill.
What are you doing out
here in all this snow?
Just taking my rabbit
to the vet.
Well, I'm all done shoveling
your walk, Mr. Herbert.
Thanks, Chris, but
there's some in here, too.
Hey, check
it out-- lemon snow.
- What?
- Yeah, that stuff's delicious.
Lemon snow? You mean it just
falls from the sky like that?
You bet. One of nature's treats.
- You gonna have some?
- Nah, I'm already full.
But you should have some before
the other kids get to it.
What is it?
Like Italian ice?
Yeah, exactly,
like a sorbet.
Ugh! That's not lemon!
- No, it's not.
- You bastard!
I was having fun playing in the
snow, and now you've ruined it,
like a pizza place
ruins a salad.
Okay, four pizzas
and a salad.
Salad? How do
you make a salad?
First, you throw in
the whole head of lettuce.
Even the hard-to-eat
white part at the bottom?
That's what the people want!
Now, what else?
I got a can of
whole black olives.
Should I slice them up?
What are you, crazy?
No, you keep 'em whole.
You're gonna want to know you've
got an olive in your mouth.
What about this tomato?
Cut it into thirds.
It should be big enough
to pretend you've got red teeth.
How about this carrot?
Should I cut it up?
Yes, but very thin lengthwise.
The whole length
of the carrot.
One thin slice.
Okay, what else do we got?
Well, we got these hot peppers,
but you can't really eat them.
No problem. Dump 'em all in.
Now, should we
put it in a bowl?
No, let's put it
in a lasagna tray.
Okay, great, I'll take it.
Oh, and make sure to stick it
right on top of the pizzas
so it stays nice and warm.
Hello, every pizza place.
All right, Stewie, you
all set to spend the day
with Grandma and Grandpa?
Ugh, I hate being around
old people.
They've always got weird stuff
in their refrigerator.
Ah, I'm hungry.
What do we got?
Let's see. Eye drops,
baking soda and some film.
Close the door.
You're running up
long distance charges!
Ah, sorry.
Thought I had more time.
Hi, Daddy.
Stewie's all ready.
You boys have fun.
There's my little guy.
# Well, Grandpa's here. #
Oh, God, it's
the song again.
# Yes, Grandpa's here! #
It doesn't even
rhyme at all.
# He's going to buy you a soda
and drive you around. #
Let's go.
Hey, just so you know, we're not
listening to a radio station.
We're listening to the hiss
between two radio stations.
Whoa. Watch your driving!
Is he... Is he sleeping?
Hey! Hey, wake up! Wake up!
You, lady, wake him up!
You like the Tom and Jerry,
do you, dear?
Well, we'll dial them up
when we get home.
What the hell are you talking
about?! We're about to...
What happened?
Where are my
knitting needles?
Goodness, dear, I'm so sorry.
No worries.
Now I can work at Hot Topic
and make people sick
as I ring up their purchases.
Oh, damn it.
Dude, bad news.
You're dead.
What? But I'm Death!
Sorry, dude.
Super Death.
You're done.
So what now?
I go to Heaven?
Nope, when a Death dies,
he gets reincarnated.
You're being reincarnated as
a Chinese baby right... now!
- Girl?
- Girl.
Oh, no!
The egg that I was supposed
to take care of
for my high school project!
Mr. Burke was right.
I'm not ready to be a parent.
Wait a minute.
I'm not in high school anymore.
Maybe this is all a dream.
Aah! It was a dream!
I need a glass of water.
Wait a minute.
I moved out of the desert
years ago.
Maybe this is a dream!
Aah!
Phew.
I am ready
to be a parent, Mr. Burke.
Daddy, I'm so happy
you're all right.
We're lucky
it wasn't more serious.
Hey, how's
the old guy doing?
Ugh, now here's Joe.
Why is everybody
we know depressing?
Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm afraid
I have some bad news.
I'm gonna have to revoke
your driver's license.
What?!
It's obvious your advanced age
has impaired your ability
to drive safely.
Please, Joe, I know he had
an accident,
but can't you look the
other way
this one time
as a friend?
Yeah, you know, Joe,
you owe this family.
I didn't tell anyone about
your Fiona Apple tribute video.
# #
# I've been a bad, bad girl #
# I've been careless
with a delicate man #
# And it's a sad, sad world #
# When a girl will break a boy,
just because she can. #
I'm brok.
Joe, open the garage.
I've earned this private time!
Listen, I don't
have time for this.
I'm late for a hostile
takeover of a jelly factory.
I'll show those Smuckers.
That's fine,
but you can't drive.
Oh, don't be
ridiculous!
Driver Pete at
your service, sir.
- Peter, we're not doing that.
- Aw.
Carter, you work
too much as it is.
You're not a young
man anymore.
You need to slow down.
Slow down?! I
can't slow down.
I'm running a six-billion-
dollar company.
If I slow down, the
company goes under.
It just seems
to me that perhaps
it's time to think
about retirement.
Never! Retirement's
for old people.
I can work till I die.
Maybe even after that.
Mr. Pewterschmidt, the
gentlemen from Zurich
are here for your 10:00.
Will you need
anything else?
Mr. Pewterschmidt!
But, dear, we are old.
We can't keep pretending
that nothing's changed.
I mean, we almost injured
our grandchild today.
Besides, you're always
complaining
that you don't have
enough time to play polo
or sit in a chair
and moisten your mouth.
That is true.
It does sometimes take me
a while to moisten my mouth.
There we go, all moist.
You see, dear?
And that's only
the beginning.
Retirement will be
a wonderful adventure,
and we'll do it together.
You're gonna retire?
From what?
There, isn't it fun already?
Okay. I'll retire.
Oh, Daddy, I think
that's for the best.
I need a doctor!
Is there a doctor?!
We now return to
The Superfriends' Accountant.
Look, you guys
are hemorrhaging money.
This Hall of Justice is sitting
on five acres
of commercial real estate.
How do you afford this?
We're the Superfriends.
Yeah, but you guys
have no income.
You owe four million dollars
in back property taxes.
We fight evil
wherever we find it.
Well, that's not
gonna be enough.
Look, you may
need to reach out
to some wealthy benefactors
for financial backing.
Do any of you know
billionaire Bruce Wayne?
No. None of us do.
And he wouldn't want to lend
us money anyway... I hear.
Hey, hey, hey!
What's up, Ginas...
'g-'ginas... vaginas?
What's up,
vaginas?!
Ah-ha, gotcha!
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
what are you doing here?
I'm retired now. Got
a lot of free time.
So what do you guys
do here?
Well, we usually just sit here
and complain about our lives.
Like this morning, Lois was such
a pain in the ass...
Hey! That's my daughter
you're talking about!
Oh. I mean this, um,
redheaded lady
who lives in my bed was a real
pain in the ass this morning.
Oh, she sounds like a bitch.
Yeah, what a bitch.
Bitchazoid, right, guys?
Yeah. I hope you're doing her.
Oh, big time.
Yeah, that's hot.
That's hot. I'm gonna think
about that tonight.
Oh, we do all kinds
of crazy stuff.
Sometimes
we even have phone sax.
Don't you mean
phone sex?
No, Joe.
Phone sax.
Are you ready?
You better believe it.
(playing "Baker Street")
Oh, Peter!
Yeah. Now your turn.
And do it how I like.
Okay.
Yeah. Don't wash
the mouthpiece.
Good news, guys.
Now that Grandpa's retired,
he's gonna have more time
to spend with us.
Oh!
We don't want to do that, Mom.
Yeah, all he ever does is
ask you what you want to do
so he can shoot it down and
tell you what he wants to do.
Hey, there's
my family!
So, what do you guys
want to do today?
I'd like to go
to the mall, Grandpa.
No parking at the mall.
It's a terrible place.
What else?
Um, how about
the zoo?
Too much walking.
Too much noise.
You can't have
any good conversation.
Not like at Chili's.
Where else?
Well, there's always the beach.
No, you got to sit
on the ground to eat.
I need a cushioned chair with
back support like at Chili's.
Okay, well...
how about Chili's?
Maybe, maybe.
Let's get in the car
and see where it takes us.
Hey, Carter.
Hello, Quandary.
It's, uh...
It's Quagmire.
You looking for Peter?
No, he's at work. Lame.
Oh. Well, what
do you want?
I hear you're kind of
a cool guy.
Thought maybe
we could hang out.
Uh... okay.
Okay! Carter and Quandary,
hanging out.
All right, I just got to go take
a misty, stop-and-go piss
in your bathroom,
then we'll be good to go.
Lois, how the hell much
longer is your dad gonna
be hanging around here?
- He's starting to drive me crazy.
- I know, Peter,
but he's my father and I
don't know what else to do.
Well, I don't know how
much more I can take.
I can't even get
any sleep with him here.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Wha-Wha-Wha-Wha- What is it?
I can't sleep.
I'm scared of ghosts.
Carter, there's
no such thing as ghosts.
Are you sure?
Well, now I'm not.
Come on, get in here!
It's safe under
here, right?
I think so,
but I'm not sure.
I just recently started
believing in ghosts.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy.
Lois! What are
you two doing here?
Well, we wanted to talk
to you about something.
Hmm. What's that?
Well, we were just thinking,
now that Daddy's retired
that you and he might be happier
in a place where you can be
with people your own age.
You know, make some new friends.
What are you talking about?
Well, we actually
brought you a few brochures
of some lovely retirement
communities in Florida.
And I helped.
Florida?!
Mm, this one's even
got the word "sunset"
four times in
the name of it.
Huh. These people are
biking without helmets.
Must be a pretty
kick-back place.
These actually
look quite nice,
and we could finally get away
from these dreadful winters.
Yeah. We'll even help you
move in and get settled.
Wait a minute, why would
I want to live in Florida?
Black people's votes go
right in the garbage.
All right!
We're moving to Florida!
Oh, Carter,
this is wonderful!
Aw, look at
that smile, Lois.
Reminds of that guy
who was way too happy he
didn't get killed on 9/11.
I'm ten minutes
late for work!
Look at that!
I stayed up late
watching Monday Night Football
and that saved my life, huh?
Isn't that awesome?
Oh, but oh...
Hi there. Welcome.
I'm Ryan, the manager
here at Oceanside,
and I'll be showing
you around today.
First question, though:
are you two old enough
to be here?
Oh, dear!
I like you, Ryan.
You're cool.
Over there is our statue
of Angela Lansbury.
Protect us, oh, Lansbury,
from rude teenagers,
from soup that is both
too hot and too cold,
and from anyone who calls,
but please have people call.
Our state-of-the-art movie
theater is equipped
with some terrific innovations
to cater to our residents,
including a button on every seat
that will pause the film
whenever anyone
has a question.
Hey, guys.
- Why is he blue now?
- Is it cold on that planet?
Why are they mumbling?
Why does everyone
in pictures today mumble?
I can't hear!
# #
Is that Sig-nory Weaver?
That's not how you say it.
Well, she shouldn't be smoking.
She's a handsome woman,
and that'll ruin her fast.
# #
Is Unobtainium
very easy to obtain?
Well, I hope you
enjoyed the tour.
Oh, yeah, it was great.
Except for that lady who
kept yelling "Byaah! Byaah!"
Well, we'll just need you
to fill out this paperwork,
and then we'll get you
moved into your condo.
Oh, isn't this
wonderful, dear!
No! No, it's not
wonderful at all!
There's no way in hell
I'm gonna live here!
This place is nothing but old
people marching to their deaths!
You hear me?
I'm not one of you!
And I never will be!
Hey, look, it's
old man Withers,
the guy who owns
the amusement park!
But let's see who's
really under there.
A skeleton!
- Can I have my face back?
- No!
You're going to jail!
Oh, this is dreadful.
I thought Carter and I were
going to be so happy here.
I'll tell you what, Babs,
let me have a talk with him.
Hey there, buddy.
Go away!
You know, you remind
me of a guy I know.
This guy worked and worked
and never wanted to retire,
even though it would've been
the best thing for him.
You know what that
man's name was?
Jon Benet Ramsey.
I-I-I think.
I think that's the guy.
- What?
- You're darn right what.
Now, let's get
back in there.
Peter, get lost! I'm not gonna
retire, and that's that!
Come on, Carter, everybody's
got to retire at some point.
Like that drill sergeant
with Alzheimer's.
Looks like we got
a joker here.
What's your
name, soldier?
Sir, McArdle, sir!
Well, no!
You look like some
kind of joker to me.
What's your
name, soldier?
Sir, McArdle, sir!
Are you me?
Probably some
kind of joker.
What's your
name, soldier?
Sir, McArdle, sir!
Well, la-dee da!
I guess we got some
kind of joker here!
Look, Carter, I'll
make a deal with you.
You give me just one day
to show you how great retired
life can be for an old fella,
and I'll let you honk
the horn one time.
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
I'm pretending
there's traffic.
There you go, that's...
- Once!
- God, I wasn't even gonna do it!
So, how do you
win this game?
Just fill this out when they
say the letter and the numbers?
Eh, that's a sucker's bet.
There's only one way
to win this game--
wait for someone else to win
and steal his card.
G-27.
Bingo!
- It's go time.
- What do we do, sneak up behind him?
No, he's got cataracts.
Follow my lead.
Bingo, bitches!
Bingo.
All right, Carter,
now that you're retired,
you're gonna need a
whole new wardrobe.
And what better place to start
than the Slightly Open Robery?
# Hey, hobo man #
# Hey, Dapper Dan,
you've both got your style #
# But, brother,
you're never fully dressed #
# Without a smile... #
Yes. The penis one.
All right, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
now, you know how
in your building
your office temperature
was controlled
by a central air system
that you had nothing to do with?
Yeah, I hated that.
Well, check it out-- this room
has its very own thermostat
that you can fiddle with.
- Really?
I can change the
temperature in here?
You're retired-- you
can do anything you want.
Well, I am kind of warm.
I'll try it out.
Oh, that's perfect.
Now I'm cold.
Crank up the thermostat.
Ah, wonderful.
Hotter than
blazes in here.
But wait-- I can
turn the heat down.
He's learning.
Bye, you guys.
We'll be down
to visit real soon.
Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm glad you
finally came around about this place.
Peter, I got to admit,
it's not bad at all.
Never thought I'd get
used to the idea
of giving up work and just
devoting my life to leisure.
I guess this is what people
mean by the word "relax."
Take care, dear.
We'll see you soon.
Yeah, have fun.
Just remember not to go out
into actual Florida.
You don't want
to meet those people.
Hi. I just moved
into the neighborhood,
and I'm required by law to inform
you that I am a sex offender.
Oh, don't worry
about it-- so am I.
This whole block
is S.O.'s.
We use the abbreviation "S.O's"
because it saves a lot of time
over saying "Sex Offender," because
that's all we talk about.
Well, I'm also into football.
Don't care.
No time for F.B.
All about S.O.
Make no mistake, Florida
is the South's trash can.
Boy, these eggs
are delicious.
Good job, Lois.
Good job, local hen.
Aw, bucka bucka baw.
Hello?
Hi, Mom.
What?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, o-okay, we'll be
down there as soon as we can.
Mom, what's wrong?
We're going
to Florida.
Why? What happened?
There's something horribly wrong
with your grandpa.
Oh, Lois!
I'm so glad
you made it.
He's been like this for days.
Oh, my God!
...cream of wheat.
...Jeopardy.
...butterscotch pudding.
This is awful!
What's happened to him?
I don't know, dear.
He sleeps 18 hours a day,
he refuses to bathe,
and he's stopped
making any sense.
Aw, that sounds like
the sad little fat girl
who lives in all of us
and is struggling
to get out.
Did my parents
call yet?
Nobody's looking for you!
Now, stay in there!
Sometimes she tries
to get out the other way.
That's why I keep
a cork in my bum.
Daddy?
Daddy, can you hear me?
Oh, God, we should never
have brought him here.
You're right, dear.
I can't stand
to see him like this.
Well, we got
to do something.
Don't worry, you guys, I think
I might know how to fix this.
But first look-- I turned
him into Groucho Marx.
That's hilarious.
Peter, what is this
supposed to accomplish?
Don't you see, Lois?
When we forced him to retire,
we took all the challenge
out of his life.
Perhaps some people aren't
meant to retire at all.
Exactly! Now, let's see if we
can put some fire back into him.
Margot, it's time to take this
company in a new direction--
starting with being honest with
the IRS about our profits.
We're also gonna stop
reading employee e-mails.
...our servers.
And from now on it's
against the rules
to pat female employees
on the fanny.
...like touching butts!
And tell the African-American
elevator attendant
he no longer has to
wear white gloves.
Why don't you just tell him
he can sleep with my wife, too?!
Daddy!
Oh, Carter!
You're back!
You're damn
right I am!
Don't you ever try to
stick me in one of those
retirement places again!
I plan on sitting behind this desk
until the day I die.
Getting old is right
for some people,
but not for me.
- I know, Daddy.
You were right,
and we're sorry.
Hey, Mom.
No, Mom, you're staying
in the nursing home.
I... I don't care.
I-I don't care.
M-Mom, believe me, no one
is touching you in your sleep.
'Cause you're gross.
And even if they are, so what,
who are you saving yourself for?
Hey, look, I-I got to go.
I don't know if we're coming
to Thanksgiving.
Because I don't know!
- She's staying in there.
- I know.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==