Family Guy (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 10 - Meg and Quagmire - full transcript

When Meg turns 18, Quagmire tries to make his move on her, but Peter tries to stop him.

(SINGING) It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex an TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

You guys, don't you think l'm a little
old for the Teen Choice Awards?

I mean, I turned 18 today.



Oh, come on, Meg. You always used
to love the Teen Choice Awards.

Yeah, ever since Fox pulled this contrived
night of bullshit out of their ass

in an effort to get in
on the awards show business,

- it's been very special to you.
- (MUSIC PLAYING)

- (GIRLS SCREAM)
- ANNOUNCER: Coming to you live,

it's the Teen Choice Awards!

- Featuring Robert Pattinson...
- (GIRLS SCREAM)

-...Justin Bieber...
- (GIRLS SCREAM)

- ...Zac Efron...
- (GIRLS SCREAM)

- ...Selena Gomez...
- (GIRLS SCREAM)

I tell ya, every year,
I recognize fewer and fewer names.

- ...Lombard Montague...
- (GIRLS SCREAM)

- ...Grace McLady...
- (GIRLS SCREAM)

- ...Andy Colorado...
- (GIRLS SCREAM)



- ... The Mondo Twins...
- (GIRLS SCREAM)

- ...Purple Stuff...
- (GIRLS SCREAM)

- ...Tank Tap Gay Face...
- (GIRLS SCREAM)

- ...Chad Zachary...
- (GIRLS SCREAM)

- ...Zach Chadwick...
- (GIRLS SCREAM)

- ...Chad Chadinson...
- (GIRLS SCREAM)

- ...C. Zachary Chad...
- (GIRLS SCREAM)

...and a live performance by Starburst,
featuring N.Y.T.F.H.$.

Plus we tally your text votes
for the Biggest Whiff!

and Choice Bro-Ment of the Year!

And now, everybody scream
like fucking retards for your host,

- Wavyhair Doucheston!
- (SCREAM)

I touched him!

What's up, Teen Choice Awards!

(CHEERING)

We're gonna kick things off
with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile!

Give it up for our first presenter,
Wilford Brimley!

It's entirely too loud in here!

Quiet down!

There 's no accauntability anymore!

I have diabetes!

Hey, what do you say
we get some music in here, huh?

No, that'll only make things worse!

Give it up for our first nominated
Choice Band of the Night, Pee Hole Skin!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Uh, Feelings

(GIRLS SCREAM)

Uh, Feelings

Uh, Feelings

- I'm gonna put a stop to this!
- (CLICKING)

- (CLICKING)
- (SCREAMING)

Well, that was unfortunate.

Hey, what's with all the cars on the street?

They're all here
for your surprise party, Meg.

Peter, for God's sake, you idiot!

We were supposed to open the door
so everyone could yell "Surprise!"

Surprise!

Oh.

Oh, dear!

Mom, if it's a surprise party,
where is everybody?

Chris, what the hell?

I thought you were gonna pay
the kids from school to show up!

I gave you $300!

Why do you think Dad's here?

Hey, Meg, happy birthday.
You're the coolest.

Well, then what are all
the cars doing out there?

Oh, they must be for Mort's party.

Okay, the first rule of Jewish fight club
is if somebody says, "Ow," you stop.

- Ow!
- Okay, let's eat.

I'm really sorry about this, honey.
It looks like nobody's coming.

But we had fun
at the Teen Choice Awards, right?

I guess.

Well, I guess we ought to call it a night.
Come on, Stewie. Up to bed.

No party? Oh, come on!

I was gonna show a slide show
of all those silly photos I took of Meg.

Well, happy birthday anyway, Meg.
See you in the morning.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey, Quagmire. What's going on?

Well, Peter, a little birdie told me
that today is Meg's birthday.

- You giving me credit?
- Yeah, I just told him.

I'm the one who told him.

So, where is the birthday girl?

- Oh. Hi, Mr. Quagmire.
- Oh, please, my father is Mr...

Oh, no, he's...
Okay, well, he used to be Mr. Quagmire.

Now he's... Now he's just Ida Davis.

Anyway, this is a special day for you,
young lady. Here's a gift for ya.

A scented candle? As a girl, I love this!

That was originally $30.

- Thanks, Mr. Quagmire.
- Well, it's your 18th birthday, Meg.

That's a very important milestone
in a young girl's...

I mean, a young woman's life.

Hey, welcome to the adult club, huh?
And you know what?

You got another member right next door
if you ever want to talk and stuff.

Happy birthday.

Hey... Hey, where's that pinky going, huh?

Where's he going? What's he doing?
Get back here.

There you go.

Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank.
You know he's gonna close the deal.

Peter, that skank is your daughter.

Oh, my God, you're right!

You know, Meg, l'd love to see you
without your hat on.

Okay.

So, anyway, l'm on approach
into Lambert Field

in some of the worst turbulence
l've ever flown through.

I mean, I have never seen anything like it.

Everyone in the cabin was like, "Aah!"
But I kept my cool,

and I trusted my training
and brought the plane in safely,

and in fact, it turned out, ironically,

to be one of the smoothest landings
l've ever made.

Well, gosh, Quagmire,
this has been a fun night,

but I guess, you better be
getting home now, huh?

Yeah, it is getting late.

I guess l'll go home and rub out a giggity.

Take it easy, you guys. See you later, Meg.

Bye.

- Okay, that was weird.
- That was weird.

- Right?
- Oh, my God, so weird.

I tell you something,
if he touches my daughter,

l'm gonna be kicking butts
and taking names!

And then giving those names
to other people whose butts I kick.

(GRUNTS)

- What's your name?
- Derek.

- What's your name?
-(GRUNTS) Michael.

You're Derek now!

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

(BEEPS)

(BEEPS)

(BEEPS)

(BEEPS)

(BEEPS)

(BEEPS)

(BEEPS)

(BEEPS)

Okay, Glenn, time to reel her in.

(BEEPS)

(BEEPS)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Nah. lt's too much, too much.

(BEEPS)

I love stars!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to
"Grainy Footage ofa Potential Bigfoot"

that will surely spark
a lively debate in your household.

- Oh, my God! That is real!
- No, total fake.

(ALL ARGUING)

- Look at that. That is obviously a suit.
- Look at the way it walks.

Why would somebody make that up, Lois?
What's in it for them?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, hey, Mr. G. How's it going?

Quagmire, what are you doing here?

Hi, Glenn. Bye, you guys.
Me and Glenn are going out.

What? Like hell you are!

Don't worry, Dad! l'll take care of him!

Stay away from my sis!

Okay, you two have fun on your date.

- What?
- Drive carefully. We'll see you later.

Lois, are you out of your mind?

We can't let Quagmire take Meg
out on a date!

That guy'll bang anything.

Hey, Lois, l'm starving. What's for dinner?

I made meatloaf. It's in the fridge.

Hey, Peter, do you mind?

- But I have to get dinner.
- Go out!

Peter, nothing's gonna happen.
Don't you see?

She's only doing this to get a rise out of us.

If we fight her on it,
she'll only push further.

Well, she may not plan
on sleeping with him,

but you don't know how smooth
Quagmire is, Lois.

- He's like a vagician.
- Oh! That's clever.

I know! lsn't it? He practices vagic.

"Vagician" was funnier.

Okay, well, the point is
we ought to be worried.

Peter, trust me.
I know what's going on in her head.

It's just a game.
I used to do the same thing to my parents.

The problem is they pushed back
and the results were not good.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, we pumped your
daughtefs stomach and we found vodka,

Rohypnol, a fair amount of DNA
that is not her own and a class ring.

- Harvard?
- I think it was SUNY something.

Oh! I don't want to hear anymore!

- So, how're your studies going?
- They're going pretty good.

- School's good.
- What's your favorite class?

What was your favorite class?

Okay, let's say it at the same time
and see if they're the same.

Okay, one, two, three.

- Hist... Math!
- Math!

Oh, my God, we have so much in common!
Do you have any brothers or sisters?

- Yeah, I have two brothers.
- They sound terrific.

- Hey, you want to blow this joint?
- Sure.

Oh, wow. Really? All right, go for it!

- Come on. Let's go.
- Oh, you mean leave.

(STUTTERS) No, yeah, sure. No, let's go.

Gosh, Meg,
I sure had a swell time with you.

Me, too, Glenn.

God, it's so amazing that you've been
my dad's friend for, like, years,

and now we have this connection.

Hey, do you want to come in
for some Crystal Light or something?

Well, I do believe in me,
but it's getting kind of late.

Um, I really want to see you again, though.

Ah, you know it.

Oh, God, Peter! Scared the hell out of me!

- What're you doing here?
- I think you know.

- Did you have sex with my daughter?
- What? Come on, Peter.

- Did you have sex with my daughter?!
- Peter, trust me, it's not happening.

(SIGHS) All right. Good.

Yeah, she's really making me work for it.

Maybe you could talk to her.

Well, l'll try, but sometimes she can be
as stubborn as a mule.

I tell you, you tell her to do something
once she does the opposite.

You know, it's like she ain't even heard you
in the first place.

It's like talking to a brick wall.
Worse than talking...

Even a brick wall doesn't tell you
they understand you,

And then go do the opposite, you know?

So it's no surprise to me
that you're having these difficulties.

That just seems to be the way she is.

You know, whether it's just
that she's not listening

Or whether it's that she's making
a conscious decision

to defy your wishes,
who can say, you know?

And I would say, in some respects,
having a strong-willed kid

is a good thing, but it can get
frustrating as hell on the other side.

So, you know, believe me, I hear loud
and clear where you're... Wait a second!

No, I won't talk to her!

And I want you to stay
the hell away from her!

Peter, it's me, Quagmire. This is what I do.

Besides, Meg is 18 now,
and you've gotta let go.

You've done your job. lt's my turn now.

Look, Quagmire,
you're one of my best pals,

and l'm asking you not to do this.

I want to help you, Peter, I really do,

but it's like you're
asking a fish not to swim.

She's legal and l'm going in.

Well, we'll see about that.

I ain't afraid to stand up to friends.
Just ask Spartacus.

- I'm Spartacus.
- I'm Spartacus.

That guy's Spartacus.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to
"Two Lame Chicks on Vacation in Mexico."

Oh, my God, don't drink the water.

L'm so going to brush my teeth with tequila.

- Mexico!
- Mexico!

- Hey, is this beach topless?
- No, but my margarita's bottomless.

- Mexico!
- Mexico!

I'm totally gonna wear a sombrero
all the time when I get back home.

Me, too.

- Mexico!
- Mexico!

That cute guy's
been staring at you all night.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to go take a dump now,
so I don't have to later.

- Mexico!
- Mexico!

Hey, you want to see
my pictures from Mexico?

Look, Janine, I just... This is...
I can't with you anymore. lt's all the time.

This is a job. Please take off that silly hat.

(PHONE RINGS)

WOMAN: Mexico!

I... I can't talk right now.

- You okay?
- Yeah, babe.

I got to pee, but I don't want to move.
l'm so comfortable right now.

I can pause it.

I guess you could pause it...
But you can't pause me!

- Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward.
- Glenn, stop. Oh, I can't breathe.

I can't breathe either.
This is torture for me, too.

No fair. Stop. l'm going to...

(FARTS)

- Sorry.
- Oh, that's all right.

It's just your body.
Sometimes things slip out.

- Probably just making room for something.
- Like what?

Hey, gang, got room for one more
right in the middle of you two?

Come on, scooch apart, there.
Oh, What's this?

Quagmire's cell phone?
Well, now that you're with Meg,

you don't need to be talking to
Backbush anymore.

Oh, and l'll send a text to Possible
Nipple Ring saying you're off the market.

(BEEPS)

You're Possible Nipple Ring?

All right, well, I better send
a text to Backbush.

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

- Oh, come on. l'm Backbush?
- This can't be a surprise to you, Peter.

Yeah, I knew. ljust didn't know you knew.

- Okay, what compound is this?
- That's sodium chloride.

- That's right. How about this one?
- Hydrogen peroxide.

God, you're so smart. How about this one?

"QM2"? l'm not sure what that is.

It's Quag-megium.
lt's the strongest compound on Earth.

Nothing can separate it.
lt has an atomic weight of awesome.

You're such a cutie patootie.

If I'm a cutie patootie,
then you're a peenie-vageenie.

Aw!

I heard a cute "aw" in there. Cool down!

(HISSING)

Meg, there's something
we need to talk about.

Dad, I swear to God,
I thought you could flush those things.

- Meg, you ever heard of Joan Van Ark?
- No.

- Here's a picture of Joan Van Ark.
- Oh, my God, she's gorgeous.

Gorgeous. Yes. Yes, Meg, gorgeous. Yes.
Every man wanted her.

But one man got her.

A man she trusted to
keep her safe and beautiful forever.

That man was Glenn Quagmire.

And two short months later,
this is what happened to Joan Van Ark.

(GASPS) Oh!

Oh, my God!

I don't want this to happen to you, Meg.

I don't want you to turn
into a hilarious photograph.

Dad, I know what you're trying to do,
and I want you to stop it. Mom!

- What is it, Meg?
- Mom, tell Dad to leave me alone.

I'm 18, and he keeps treating me like a kid.

Peter, I told you not to push her
about this Quagmire thing.

If you push too hard, you're going
to push her right into his arms.

- Well, what am I supposed to do?
- Nothing.

This is a big game Meg is playing
and the only way to win is not to play it.

- Is that a WarGames reference?
- Might be.

- You know WarGames?
- Yeah.

- Still finding out new stuff about you.
- That's the adventure.

- There's a nerd in there.
- Maybe there is.

- I might bang her later.
- How about a nice game of chess?

I prefer banging.

- Dad, have you seen my book bag?
- What, Chris?

- (SCREAMS)
- (CRACKING)

Oh, Peter, there you are. Would you
go tell Meg that lunch is on the table?

- Oh, Meg's not here.
- What do you mean?

She and Quagmire
went up to his cabin for the weekend.

- What?
- Yeah, I drew you a crude flip book

to explain what's happening.

Okay, I got a little off track there,
but they went to his cabin.

Peter, Quagmire has a name for that cabin.
He calls it his "sex cabin."

No, he doesn't. He calls it "The Stuffet lnn."

Oh, my God, I can't believe you knew
about this and you let her go.

Hey, don't give me that crap.
l'm doing exactly what you told me to do.

You said don't mess with her business,
so I didn't.

Peter, this is different.

It's one thing to rebelliously flaunt
an older guy in front of your parents,

But it's a whole other thing to go away
with him for the weekend to his sex cabin.

Oh, is that right?

(MIMICS LOIS) Oh, don't worry, Peter,
he's not going to sleep with her.

That's you. Nerd.

Look, everyone knows if you go away
with a guy for the weekend

And don't have sex with him,
you're a huge bitch.

- We got to stop them.
- So you admit you were wrong.

- Yes.
- You admit you were stupid.

- Yes, yes.
- You admit all women are stupid.

- No.
- All right, l'll take what I can get.

Come on. To the Peter-dactyl.

(PTERODACTYL SCREECHING)

(CRACKLING)

Oh, no, now I got to take care of the babies.

(ALL SCREECHING)

Look, Peter, his car's still there.
Maybe they haven't left yet.

Quagmire, let me in, you son of a bitch!

QUAGMIRE: (ON RECORD) I'm sorry
I'm not home to receive you.

The reason being

That you have sufficiently scared me a way
from your wife or daughter.

I plan to get help
and use better judgment in the future.

Wait a minute. So Quagmire just
changed all of a sudden, just like that?

You want me to read this or not?

No, Grandpa, I don't.

No kid wants to be read anything anymore.
Computers exist. lt's just you won't leave.

Okay, where were we?
Quagmire's front door.

You think they're hiding in there?

- Oh, no. Peter, look.
- See you later, suckers.

- Aw. Good luck to them.
- Peter!

Oh, right, right. Let's go.

(CARS HONKING)

We're never going to get up there.
I wonder what's causing all this traffic.

Oh, boy. Yep, there's the problem.
Not drawn yet.

Come on, guys. Really? Let's go.
What the hell's going on up there?!

(SNORING)

What? Yep. Yep.

So tell the truth. Have you brought
other women up here before?

- Honestly? Two.
- Really?

Yeah, I brought the ashes
of my third grade teacher, Mrs. Nicholson,

and spread them across the lake,
per her last request.

Ah.

The other was some skag I met on a
dock four miles from here.

- What?
- (MIMICS BUZZER)

Strike four, Jelly Jealouson.

The other was my sister.

(SIGHS)

- It's so nice up here.
- I know.

I love the way the fire makes
the shadows dance around behind us.

One time, my friends and I went camping
and nobody could start a campfire.

And then I tried to start the
campfire, and I could.

That's insane.

Wha... What is going on over here? What...

Are we taking our shirts off now?
Okay, follow the leader.

- Come on, Peter, hurry.
- Wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

(LOON CALLING)

Listen to that. lt's a loon. That's beautiful.

You know, we ought to get
a "fuck cabin" up here.

Peter, we're wasting time.

Quagmire's in there about to have sex
with our daughter.

That son of a bitch. Let's... Wait a minute.

- Do you hear that?
- I don't hear anything.

I know.

- Isn't it bliss?
- Peter, let's go!

Mmm. Thanks for the ice cream, Glenn.

And you're right, somehow it does
taste better in my underpants.

Yeah, it's like being at the beach, huh?

Now get over here while the inside
of your mouth is still freezing cold.

There you are, you son of a bitch.

You get away from my daughter,
you pervert.

- Meg, get in the car, we're going home.
- I'm not going home.

I'm 18, and you can't tell me
what to do anymore.

Meg, l'm only going to say this once.

You may be an adult,
but you're still my daughter,

and it's my job to protect you
from errant wieners.

So, I don't care how old you are,
you're going to do what I say

And get in the damn car.

Yes, Daddy.

If you ever touch my daughter again,

- I will cut your thing offand feed it to Brian.
- Okay.

And Peter and I get this cabin
for one weekend a month.

- Do you understand me?
- Yes, ma'am.

- Peter, I got us the cabin!
- PETER: Yeah!

I don't want to see your face knocking
on our door for at least a month.

Would you sign the guest book
on your way out?

(SIGHS)

Lois Griffin. Peter Griffin. We heard a loon.

(SIGHS) You know, Mom and Dad,

I'm really glad that you kept me
from doing what I was going to do.

Well, that's what parents are for, Meg.
No matter what age you are.

We love you and we just
never want to see you hurt.

I only wish I'd seen what was going on
from the start, like your father did.

Well, I know the signs,

Because the same thing happened to me.

An older neighbor. Her name was Elaine.

I was 18 and my body was firm
from push-ups and sit-ups.

I was stunning. But while my body was
mature, I had the mind of a 12-year-old.

Elaine invited me over
with the promise of pie.

Little did I know this would lead

to an eight-year-long
psychosexual entanglement.

She's probably dead now.

Life's funny sometimes.

And, scene.