Family Guy (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 8 - Cool Hand Peter - full transcript

Peter and the guys take a stand against their wives and flee to the Deep South on a road trip, only to earn a one-way ticket to jail.

(SINGING) It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex an TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

So, Cleveland, you got to be pretty psyched
about President Ubama, huh?

What?



Well, I mean, you remember how
a lot of people said, like,

"Oh, Ubama's not gonna be able to do it,"

but he's hanging in there.

Peter, it's "Obama."

You-bama, Me-bama, We-bama,
who cares?

It's a black guy in a suit,
let's just marvel at that.

Gosh, Cleveland, it sure is great
having you back at The Clam,

even if it's just for a week.

(PETER'S PHONE RINGING)
My name is Cleveland Brown

and I am proud to be...

Oh, hang on, that's my cel lphone.

Aw, Peter, you're using the song!
Thank you.

Well, the numbers ain't so good,
so we got to do everything we can.

Hello, Lois.



LOIS: Peter, where the hell are you?

You told me you were gonna
clean out those boxes in the basement

and put them in the attic.

- Lois, it just sounds like busy work.
- It is busy work.

I'm trying to keep you off the streets
and off drugs.

I'm selling those candy bars!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, hey, hey,

you want to buy some candy bars

so we can get some new uniforms
for our baseball team?

Where'd you get those candy bars?

LOIS: Peter, I need you home.

You also promised
you 'd fix that shelf in the garage.

Lois, l'm losing you...
(MAKING STATIC NOISE)

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Oh, hey, Lois. This is somebody else now.

There must've been a cross-connection.

My name is Mike,

and I'm somewhere else
trying to make my own call.

LOIS: Fine, Mike.

You tell Peter
he's in trouble when he gets home.

You can tell him yourself,
because Mike is Peter!

Oh, my God. Are you serious?

That was very good, Peter.

I know! (CELL PHONE BEEPS)

(SIGHS) Geez, that's all my life is lately,
just a bunch of chores.

I'm sick of Lois always making me do
stupid stuff.

I know what you're saying, Peter.

Bonnie's always making me do
all these impossible household tasks.

BONNIE: Joe, make sure you
get all the tire tracks out of the carpet.

Learn to live with it, Bonnie!

There are tracks! People make tracks!

Boy, I hear you, too.

It's a lot of work just to keep my
single-guy fridge sufficiently depressing.

Let's see. Ex-girlfriend's Yoplait.

Root beer from two Julys ago.

Here we go, expired milk.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God, Jenny,
look how young you look.

I sympathize with y'all.

Donna makes me listen to Gayle King
on XM Radio,

19 hours a day.

I tried to kill myself
by swallowing a nail clipper,

but I passed it.

What the hell happened to us?

We used to be able to do
whatever the hell we wanted.

Now here we are, in the prime of our lives,

and we're slaves to our women.

I know. An exciting day for me
is when I watch wheelchair porn.

Boy, do the sparks fly on those.

Oh, is it hot?

Nah, it's mostly just
chairs smashing into each other.

Sometimes
the director has to come on camera

just to turn the chairs around.

Well, why don't we make
our own excitement?

What do you mean?

I don't know, like, maybe the four of us

should do something
to reclaim our freedom.

Like go on a road trip, find some adventure.

Quagmire, that's a great idea!
Let's do a road trip! Who's in?

PETER: No. No, no. No, not you, Seamus.

SEAMUS: Ah, poo.

All right, listen up, ladies.

We got something to say
and we ain't taking no for an answer.

We are going on a road trip.

We don't know how long we'll be gone,

And don't expect a call from us to check in.

This trip is about men being men.

We will drive after a couple of beers
and not make a big federal case about it.

We're gonna sneeze
and not put our hand over shit.

And there ain't nothing you can do
to stop us!

Yeah. Okay with me.

- Sure.
- Fine.

That'll be nice. lt'll give us a chance
to have some girl time.

Oh, all right, then.

Where are you boys going?

We're going to New Orleans.
The party capital of America.

Home of the All-You-Can-Pee Street.

L'll tell you one thing,
it's all about the beads down there.

We all know what's going on here.

It's just implied,

but we all know
what's going on in this thought bubble.

The kids don't know, but we do.

Boy, l'm sure getting
my money's worth out of this rental car.

Okay, all right, I got one.

Would you rather be a hobo

with a five percent chance
of getting inherited by a rich guy,

or be Hitler
two years before the end of World War ll?

'Cause you know you're gonna have to
shoot yourself,

but you still got two more years as Hitler.

If you're the hobo,
do you have a place to sleep,

Like an underpass or...

Different every night.

As Hitler, can I change certain policies

so that maybe l'm looked on
more favorably at the end of the war?

No, you already screwed up big time.
Lot of dead Jews.

Am I a blue state or a red state hobo?

Blue, but Midwestern blue.

- Oh, boy.
- (CLEVELAND GRUMBLING)

lt's cold out there.

Am I allowed to alter the mustache?

Dude, why do you keep trying
to make Hitler work?

Am I allowed to kill other hobos
to increase my odds?

Kill anyone you like. You're a hobo.

- Am I a walking hobo?
- No.

Quagmire and Cleveland are,
but you're not.

So, wait, I would also be a paralyzed Hitler?

Yeah.

Would I be a black Hitler?

Yes. No.

Well, wait a minute,

now how come I got to be crippled Hitler
and he's still white Hitler?

If you got such a problem with it, Joe,
just be the hobo!

This one isn't very fun.

Wait a minute, where are we?

Yeah, this doesn't look like
the main highway anymore.

- You think we made a wrong turn?
- I hope not.

These backwoods parts of the Deep South

Ain't a place you want to get lost in.

- (POLICE SIREN BLARING)
- Oh, no.

Don't worry about it, guys.

I read nowhere that Southern sheriffs
really want to be talked down to

by big-shot Northerners.

Afternoon.

Officer, what is it?
We are in a tremendous urban rush.

You fellas ain't from around here, are you?

Hey, Sheriff, l'm trying to learn Southern.
ls this saying anything?

A-doy-doy-doy-doy!

We're very sorry, Sheriff,

and we want to cooperate
to the fullest extent possible.

- You threatening me?
- Uh, no, sir.

Who you calling "sir," boy?

I'm an officer of the law,
paid by this county.

And I can't help noticing
you got a headlight out.

- Really? I don't see any...
- (GLASS BREAKING)

And I see
that turn signal ain't working neither.

(GLASS BREAKING)

Now, look, sir, l'm a police officer, too.

I know all the games, I use them myself.

So what do you say
we just work something out?

So, you're a cop, huh?
Let me see your badge.

Looks like you're a civilian now.

I'm gonna have to search your vehicle.

Well, lookie here.
What do we got in this thing?

Oh, come on! You planted that there!

We had drugs?

Oh, my God, why am I driving drunk
when I could've been driving high?

You boys are in a lot of trouble.

Dispatch, Sheriff Nichols.

Bringing in four perpetrators
under suspicion of drug possession.

Descriptions. One African-American,

One crippled, one skinny, one handsome.

Yes.

You're all coming down to the station
with me.

Oh, crap!

Hang on, hang on, you guys.

Don't worry.
I know how to speak this guy's language.

Keith Urban.

Go on.

Brett Favre.

Uh-huh.

I'm listening.

William H. Macy?

You guys are going away for a long time.

Look at this, Cleveland.

Front of the bus, back of the bus,
middle of the bus,

you guys are doing great.

I can't believe this.

Two weeks in prison
on trumped-up charges.

That trial was a total sham.

Yeah, I knew we were in trouble
the minute I saw the jury.

Well, at least they're a jury of our peers.

I don't think they see it that way, Peter.

Hello, gentlemen. I am the warden.

You are here because you are criminals.

This is not a resort.

You will be worked harder
than you have ever been worked

in your miserable, pathetic lives.

And play harder, right? I bet.

Step forward, maggot!

(GRUNTS)

Next time, that'll be you.

Well, why wasn't it him this time?

Oh, l'm so scared.

(GRUNTING)

Peter, stop it!

Yeah, you're real big
when you got that stick, ain't you?

Okay, l'll stop now.

This is so much fun, isn't it?

I know. What should we talk about next?

- I know, let's talk about actresses.
- Oh, yeah.

I feel like Natalie Portman thinks
she's so much better than everybody.

She's nothing, and her husband's a nobody.

Why does Laura Linney always look like
she's just finished skiing?

I don't know who that is.

Really? The Big C? Love Actually?

No, never heard of her.

Would you know who she was
if I said Tyler Perry's Laura Linney?

Ooh, I love her.

(THUDDING)

Oh, God, it's so hot out here.

Yeah, you knew it was gonna be hot

when you heard that lonesome slide guitar
and that hawk's cry.

(GUITAR PLAYS SOMBER RIFF)

(HAWK SCREECHES)

Hey! This ain't break time!
Get back to work!

(SINGING) Gonna see Miss Eliza

Gonna go to Mississippi

ALL: (SINGING) Gonna see Miss Eliza

Gonna go to Mississippi

Gonna see Miss Eliza

Gonna go to Mississippi

Man, listen to what
the black guys are doing.

We need a white guy work song.

- (SINGING) Hello
- (SINGING) How are you?

- How's the folks?
- What's new?

- I'm great
- That's good

- Ha-ha
- Knock wood

- Well, well
- That's life

- What do you know?
- How's the wife?

- Got to run
- Oh, my

- Ta-ta
- Olive oil

Good-bye

Hey. Let's not be that kind of chain gang.

- You Peter Griffin?
- Oh, yeah, thanks.

- What the hell is that?
- It's a jet pack.

I'll come back for you guys, I promise.

You're my friend and everything,
and I feel bad saying this,

but I wanted to see you fail.

Official prediction,

When they let us out of here,

we're gonna have to
go through the prison gift shop.

- (ALL GRUMBLING)
- I hate doing that.

Yeah, that's how they get you.

Man, it's gonna feel so good
to walk out of here tomorrow.

Yeah, you know, the time actually went by
faster than I would have thought.

Uh, you know something?

We left Quahog to find adventure

and get away from
all those lame chores at home,

but I'll tell you this.

Looking back on it now,
I don't think our lives are so bad.

Yeah, I sure do miss Lois and the kids.

I'll tell you one thing. When I get home,
l'm gonna sleep like a log.

Hey, l'm gonna plug in the night-light
if you don't mind.

Actually, you know what? l'm gonna
go ahead and ask you to not do that.

Knock off that chitchat! lt's lights out!

Oh, hey, Warden,

since it's our last night in here,
can I have a glass of milk?

I feel like having dream diarrhea.

Last night? (SCOFFS)

Where do you think y'all are going?

Says here you got another 30 days
on your sentence.

What? But the court said
we're supposed to go home tomorrow!

Well, the court ain't here, is it?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, man, how the hell are we gonna do this
for another 30 days?

(CHUCKLES)
That's the way it goes around here.

Once you come in,
you're never allowed to leave.

I got my sentence extended 30 days once.

That was 45 years ago.

Oh, my God, you hear that?
We're gonna be stuck in here forever!

Oh, God, what are we gonna do?

Well, I know what l'm gonna do.

If we're gonna be here a while,

l'm gonna find the biggest guy here
and kick his ass.

Wait a minute. That's me!

Oh, no, I have a knife!

Oh, what are we gonna do?

They're gonna keep us locked up here
forever!

We're not staying in here forever.
We're getting out of here.

- How?
- We're breaking out.

What?

Look, sometimes in life, you got to say,
"What the hell," and just go for it.

I mean,
that's how we won the Revolutionary War.

Colonel, the British are too entrenched
across the river.

I've told the men we'll hold our position.

Negative. Tell the men we're going across.

But Colonel Goatbanger, we've...

No, we need to do this, 'cause...
For... 'Cause of... For strategy.

All right, if we're gonna break out of here,

we got to get past these guards.

Well, I got an idea.
lt won't be pretty, but bear with me.

(GROANING)

Oh, no, I fell out of my wheelchair!

(GROANING)

Don't help me!
I need to do this on my own!

What are you doing, Joe?
You're embarrassing us.

Oh, really? Are they looking?

No.

They're actually going to great lengths
to avoid it.

Exactly.

No one wants to watch
a handicap struggle for independence.

This will buy us at least 15 minutes
of averted gazes.

All right, l'm gonna nail this home.

(JOE GROANS)

Oh, this is so humiliating,
l'm about to be an adult man crying.

(JOE SOBBING LOUDLY)

I can't walk!

Why the hell can't I walk?

This isn't part of the act anymore!

No, no, no, don't look.

If you make eye contact,
you'll have to help.

Hey! They're getting away!

Release the dogs.

(DOGS BARKING)

(PANTING)

(DOGS BARKING)

Oh, we did it! Your plan worked, Joe!

I told you those guards would turn away.

Yeah, Joe, that was amazing!

That was easier than
taking candy from a premature baby.

(MONITOR BEEPING)

Uh.

I'm just gonna take this.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, I got an idea for something
that's gonna be so fuckin' funny.

(WHISPERING)

Okay, Bonnie, go get it. lt's in the closet.

Brian! Brian, come out here!

- What are you doing?
- I'm reading.

What... What... What...

What are you reading?

Well, I was just finishing
Jonathan Franzen's book.

You know, l'll admit it has its moments,
but it's completely overrated.

I mean, l'm not saying

I wrote something similar to it
several years ago,

but I am saying...

- Grab him!
-(ALL LAUGHING)

What? What? What?
Hey, what are you doing? Hey!

- Hey! Hey! Hey! What?
- Get his paw! Hold still!

- Push him down onto all fours!
- No. What are you do...

I don't want to do this.

If he really starts freaking out,
put your pinkie in his butt!

Calm down! Calm down!

(LAUGHING)

Now Stewie!

All right,
I guess this is the night bitches die.

I wonder what the chain gang did today.

I hope we're not missing anything cool.
Maybe we should go back.

Hey, guys, look, there's a house.

Maybe there's something inside we can use
to get these chains off.

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

It looks like nobody's home.

Hey, these look like
handcuff-and-shackle keys.

- How do you know that?
- (CHUCKLES)

These are handcuff-and-shackle keys.

Hey, it worked!

You know, there's an awful lot of pictures
of the Sheriff in this house.

Well, he's a good-looking man.

I bet a lot of people in town
have pictures of him.

Oh, no! lt's the Sheriff!

Quick, into the closet!

(PETER FARTING)

Who's there?

PETER: (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Just me, sweetie.

Oh, I didn't know you were home.

What are you doing in the closet there?

Um, wife things?

Oh, all right.

Well, l'll only be home for a minute.

Some prisoners escaped
from the work camp,

And I'm helping the warden
track 'em down.

Oh, well, maybe you should let 'em go.

You know I can't do that.

You're always working.

I wish you'd spend more time at home.
More time with me.

Maybe you're right, honey.
Maybe I do work too much.

You know what?
l'm gonna let those fugitives go.

You'd do that for me?

I'd do anything for you. I love you.

I love you, too!

Now, come out here and give me a kiss.

JOE: Peter, no!

Wait a minute! I don't have a wife!

(GUNSHOTS FIRED)

(POLICE SIRENS BLARING)

(TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDS)

Head for the tracks!

(GUNSHOTS FIRED)

Oh, no, they're shooting at us!

Good thing
bad guys are such terrible shots.

Man, these guys are elusive!

Quick! Hop on!

(CHEERING)

- All right, we did it.
- We made it.

That was a close one!

(SIGHS) Well, guys, we made it.

Boy, I feel like I haven't eaten in a week.

Hey, if we pass a McDaniel's
or a Burger Queen,

let's hop out.

That's right, we're on television.

I'd love a flame-broiled Bopper!

So frustrating.
We all know what we're talking about.

(TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDING)

Well, this was quite an adventure.

Yeah, it's good to be back
in familiar territory.

(GUNS COCKING)

Where do y'all think you're going?

You boys are fugitives of my county,
and l'm gonna take you back.

Oh, no!

I don't think so.

You're in my jurisdiction now,
Sheriff Butt Breath.

(GUNS COCKING)

Wow, Joe, how'd you pull that off?

I put in a call
from the McDaniel's pay phone

While you guys were getting
that nine-piece chicken McFingers

and those Diet Conks
and those Fresh Fries.

Oh, come on.
They don't own "French fries!"

You know, you got some nerve

driving around my town
with a busted headlight.

And a busted windshield.

(GLASS CRACKS)

And an untreated flesh wound.

Aah!

(GROANING)

You took an oath
just the same as me, Sheriff.

To protect and serve.
Not to harass and douche.

Just 'cause you have a badge doesn't mean
you can treat people any way you like.

And as a law enforcement professional,
you have an obligation

to be more ethically upstanding
than the average man.

Not less.

Now, get the hell out of my town.

(CAR ENGINES STARTING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Nice going, Joe.

Well, it's great being back in the North,
where people are civilized.

(BICYCLE BELL RINGING) Hey, what,
are you guys all on a date?

Gay!

Oh, my God! Peter, what an experience.

But the important thing is,
you're home safe.

Yeah.

And you know,
I guess I learned something from all this.

(SIGHS) You know what?

We've done this a billion times,
so you know what?

I'm just gonna do the cadences.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(ALL LAUGHING)