Family Guy (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 6 - Thanksgiving - full transcript
Joe's son, who was reported missing in Iraq, suddenly and unexpectedly appears during Thanksgiving dinner, but the story of his disappearance doesn't add up.
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
♪ Family Guy 10x06 ♪
Thanksgiving
Original Air Date on November 20, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
And we're back with our coverage
of the Quahog
Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Happy Turkey Day, Quahog.
This is Tom Tucker
and Joyce Kinney
live at the parade.
We've got some on-and-off
drizzle here today,
and we're a little w,
as you can see,
because, apparently, there are
no awnings that exist anywhere.
There's your top news
story right there.
Mysterious awning
shortage ravages the Northeast,
but miraculously has not
affected Channels 2 or 6.
No no. Keep the camera
over there.
I want everyone to see it.
This is why we're third.
And here comes our first
float of the day, Tom.
It's the James Woods
High football team
with their
"Not Gay Revue."
♪ We just won the big game ♪
♪ We just won the big game ♪
♪ We drilled 'em and banged 'em ♪
♪ And plowed 'em a lot ♪
♪ And though that
sounds suggestive ♪
♪ Let me stress that it's not. ♪
And here comes the Rocky and
Bullwinkle float.
Always a popular sight
here at the par...
S-Somebody want
to handle that?
Does some--
does some--
Does somebody want
to deal with that?
The car alarm,
"what."
You're kidding.
Well, viewers,
to top it off,
that's the Channel 5
news van you're hearing.
Ph-Phil, Phil just open it--
unlock the doors.
You don't have to put
the key in the ignition.
Well, open the
driver's side first.
Okay, well, I guess
it's broken, then,
and there's nothing
we can do about it.
Okay, happy Thanksgiving,
Quahog.
Here's a car alarm.
All right, well,
I guess we'll just...
Ahhh, there we go.
Oh, that must be
Joe and Bonnie.
Now remember everyone,
let's be cheerful,
'cause Thanksgivings
are very hard for them.
'Cause Joe can't walk?
No.
'Cause his bum doesn't
open up to poo anymore,
and a nurse has to
go digging up there
to get up after
his stuff?
Oh, my God!
I know.
That was told to me
in confidence.
No. Don't you
remember, Peter?
It was
on Thanksgiving
that their son Kevin
got killed in Iraq.
Look who's here!
Happy Thanksgiving.
Gobble gobble.
You guys, thanks so much
for having us over.
Well, we're just glad we
can have people over again
now that that giant
crab's gone.
Hey, guys, how ya doin'?
Come on in.
No-no-no-no-no-no-no.
No-no-no-no-no,
no-no-no-no-no.
Just go around it.
He's not gonna
hurt ya.
Just go around it.
No-no-no-no-no-no-no.
No-no-no-no-no,
no-no-no-no-no.
No-no-no-no-no.
All right, try just
going under him.
I think we should
probably just go home.
Maybe we'll do it
another time.
No-no-no-no-no.
What the hell?
Mom!
Mom, it's me! Mom!
Oh, yeah, it's a baby.
It's a big balloon, baby,
just like you're a baby.
No, it's me!
It's a balloon of me!
Peter, come
look at this.
He sees a baby and knows
that he's also a baby.
So smart.
Mama's smart little boy.
Aah, check out Quagmire.
It's been a year and a half,
and he still looks
uncomfortable around his dad.
Well, it's a
big adjustment.
After all, his dad did have
a sex-change operation.
So, uh...
how-how are things, Dad?
Oh, Glenn, I can't tell you how
wonderful it is to be back here.
This is gonna be a really
special Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving!
We brought
chicken wings.
Oh, yum. I hope they're the
kind with the bone removed.
Hey, Aunt Carol.
Hey, Uncle Adam.
♪ La la la la la. ♪
Don't mention last night's
Project Runway.
I've got it on TiVo.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I brought Marshmallow Peeps.
Oh.
Okay.
I'm gonna need
that Pyrex dish back.
Okay.
I'm gonna need it back now.
Oh.
I don't want
anything else today
to get as tense
as that just got.
Carol, it's so good
to see you.
You, too, Lois.
God, that is
one nice ass.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
This is nice.
This is very nice,
the time that we're spending
together right now.
Easy, Joe.
Sorry.
Just making mental memories
for when you're all
inevitably dead,
and I'm left alone.
Geez. Quagmire, help me out
with this.
No, he's right.
I mean, sometimes
chicks die, and it's
not anyone's fault.
Okay, everyone, it's 2:30.
Time for dinner.
'Cause on Thanksgiving, 2:30
is dinnertime for some reason.
Oh, my.
Lois, those sweet potatoes
look delicious.
That's the
stuffing, Ma.
Now put on your glasses before
you run over another black guy.
Oh, this looks fantastic.
I can't wait to poop this out.
Hey! Who's gonna get
the Thanksgiving dump trophy
this year?
You are!
Dad's gonna get it!
Who else?
Loving.
Loving family.
Well, dig in, everyone!
Hello, Ida.
Hello, Brian.
How have you been?
Very well, thank you.
He threw up when he found out
you were a monster.
This food is so (bleep) good,
Lois.
Oh. Okay.
Wow.
Hey! Is there room at that table
for one more?
Oh, my God!
Kevin Swanson!
Son, you're alive!
Aw, and I stayed up all night
writing dead kid jokes.
All right, you know what,
I'm gonna do one anyway.
Kevin, go back outside.
Everybody pretend
this didn't happen.
Hey, Joe, what's your favorite
preparation of a tomato?
Is it son-died tomato?
Is it son-died tomato?
Okay, Kevin, you
can come back in.
Welcome home, soldier.
Son-died tomato.
Kevin, you're alive!
I don't believe it.
Oh, my God, it's a miracle!
Well, I guess
you replaced real butter
as the star of the dinner.
But I don't understand.
The Army said you'd
been killed in action.
What happened?
Well, it's quite a story.
In some ways, Army life in Iraq
is what you'd expect,
what with the blistering heat,
the constant sense
of impending danger,
and the one gay soldier
awkwardly avoiding
the use of pronouns.
Man, I sure miss my
sweetheart back home.
I can't wait to get
back to that person.
Chow time, boys.
Yes, sir, Sergeant
Major General Captain!
Ah, come on, boys,
it's Thanksgiving.
Call me Major
General Captain.
Now you eat up.
I don't trust that turkey
those Iraqis made.
Ah, you're all wet, Swanson.
I call the white meat.
I call the dark meat.
I call the cell phone
duct-taped to the side!
Noooooo!
They're all dead, sir,
except for Swanson.
He's in a coma, but he's
unlikely to recover.
Okay, well, just send Swanson's
parents a letter saying
that he's dead, 'cause
those are already printed.
You know what? Send one
to my parents, too.
I spent five years in a
Kuwait military hospital.
I woke up from
the coma last week,
and I flew straight here.
Kind of a
Thanksgiving surprise.
Hey, when you get sexually
abused while you're in a coma,
do you know
it's happening
and just can't do
anything about it?
Or do u not even
know what's going on?
I also am curious about that.
Hey, Kevin, you know
I put a yellow ribbon
on my car for you guys?
And-and a little thing that says
"I support the troops."
'Cause there's nothing
I wouldn't do for you guys.
but I don't have
any change on me right now.
Well, all that matters
is that my boy is home.
Kevin, I want you to meet
your little sister, Susie.
Wow.
Hey, little sis.
I guess we got
some catching up to do, huh?
Hope you
don't get scared
when I scream and
have night terrors.
It's quite all right.
I've seen worse.
A human centipede.
How ghastly.
Your mother and I are
very proud of you, Kevin.
You're a war hero.
I don't feel
like a war hero.
Only a war hero
would say that.
Hey, so what about the female
soldiers over there?
Were they able to contribute?
Eh, you know,
they did their best.
What with their
regular bleedings
when they got shot,
did they even know?
Look, guys,
I'm not a hero.
And I don't want to be treated
any different than before.
Just that you would say that
means we should treat you
different.
Come on, guys, let's give him
all our best food.
Okay, now you eat up, and then
we're all gonna go out back
and play some Thanksgiving touch
football-- excuse me:
war hero Thanksgiving
touch football.
Yeaaaaah!
U.S.A.!
I didn't even know
there was a war.
Okay, let's pick teams.
I'll be a captain,
and, uh, Mayor West,
you can be a captain.
All right.
I pick you.
You can't pick me;
I'm a captain.
No one had ever stood up to me
like that before.
I respected him
from there on out.
That's a great
story, Grandpa.
I didn't like it.
None of my grandchildren
had ever disliked one
of my stories before.
From then on,
he was my favorite.
Well, I don't like that
story, Great Grandpa.
Future old people
are wizards.
I'm... I'm drunk,
and I'm gonna throw the football
too hard at my kids.
Oh, Dad, do we have to--
Ow!
Don't cry!
Don't cry!
Game's over if you cry.
I want you to learn
about life, Chris,
'cause of, in life
it's like this.
Peter, I think you may
have had one too many.
Maybe it's time
to ease off, huh?
What are you talking
about, Lois?
Dads getting drunk
on Thanksgiving
is a holiday tradition.
I work hard to put
a cornucopia on this table,
and you're out
showing your lower ankle
to every Tom, Tom, and
other Tom in our village!
Don't talk to mother
in like fashion!
That's it.
The belt is coming off.
All right, son.
Let's put these bozos
in a hurt locker.
Right? 'Cause, uh,
"hurt locker" means
some kind of war hero
thing, or something.
Pfft. My friends
and I used to laugh
about how fake
that movie is.
But...
Well, wait, I, uh...
I'm pretty sure
that movie came out
after you went
into your coma.
Right-- no, no, uh, I-I-I was
talking about a different movie.
Let's play ball!
Yeah, let's play ball.
The world has changed around me,
and I'm mad and scared!
Lois, this pumpkin pie
looks delightful.
Hey, Kevin, can I see
your Purple Heart?
'Cause I never
actually seen one.
One-one time this homeless guy
showed me his purple head,
but looking back,
I'm-I'm not so sure
that that was really
a military thing.
Pfft. I didn't want
that stupid medal.
You know what I
did with it?
I threw it back over
the White House fence.
Wait a minute.
I thought you said
you flew straight
home from Kuwait
after you woke
from your coma.
When did you throw your medal
over the White House fence?
N-N-N-No, I-I-I told you, I flew
to D.C., ditched the medals,
and flew home.
I guess that was just
his dirty hobo penis, huh?
Kevin, why would you
want to get rid of
your war medals
like that?
'Cause it was
a stupid war, you know?
All it did was put me in a coma
and kill one of my bunkmates
and cripple the other one
for life.
W-Wait a minute.
Now, I thought
earlier you said
that both of your
bunkmates were killed.
Now you're saying
only one of them was?
But I just want
you guys to know
I barely even stared
at that penis for an hour.
What? Come on, Dad.
Whatev.
H-Hey, why's it
so hot in here?
It's too hot in here.
Wait a minute.
An Ed Hardy T-shirt?
That particular
strain of douche bag
didn't arise
until 2007,
while you were
supposedly in your coma.
Look, get off my case, Dad!
What do you want from me?
The truth.
Fine! Here's the truth!
I was never in any coma, okay?
I bailed.
I faked my death and went AWOL.
I faked my own death once.
No dentist appointment
for this guy.
So, there it is.
I'm not a war hero.
I abandoned my platoon.
So now what do we do?
Me?
Am-Am I, am I supposed
to say something?
Kevin,
you're under arrest for
the crime of desertion.
Oh, my.
Um, maybe it's time for us
girls to hit the powder room.
You may use
the yard.
So you were lying
to us this whole time?
You weren't really
injured in Iraq?
First Pat Tillman lies
about how he died and now you?
Kevin, I don't
understand.
There's nothing to understand.
Our son is a deserter.
Come on, Kevin,
I'm taking you to jail.
Joe, wait!
Not now, Bonnie.
Joe, you can't!
Bonnie, we'll discuss
this later!
Joe! You're not taking
my son anywhere.
Damn it, you guys
are ruining Thanksgiving!
And it's my second
favorite holiday,
right after Pretend Not
To Notice People's Race Day.
Hey, you seen
Reggie around?
Which one is Reggie?
Oh, uh, today he's
wearing yellow pants,
uh, yellow shirt, yellow
hat, yellow shoes.
Uh, he's got a gold tooth,
uh, diamond earring.
Um, he's got that big necklace
with the dollar sign on it.
Uh, he's always
grabbing his crotch
when he's
telling a story.
Like the one about
when he found out
his mother is really
his grandmother.
Could you be more specific?
Uh, oh, let's see.
Uh, he always wears
cheap cologne.
Uh, drives a Mercury Cougar
with a crown on the dashboard.
Uh, never pays
his alimony.
Uh, he's extremely cut for
a guy who never works out.
Oh, there he is.
Thanks anyway.
Hey, Reggie!
Look, maybe we should
just let Kevin
explain why he did what he did.
At first,
I believed in the cause.
But then I saw what we were
doing to the people of Iraq.
Innocent people.
There was one
that I'll never forget.
He was a little
Iraqi street kid.
I'd befriended him
a few months earlier.
Couldn't have been
more than 12 years old.
I taught him how to crack wise,
American style.
I guess that store's
having a fire sale.
I tell you, that kid was
strong-headed for his age.
Smart, but innocent.
And then one day,
there was a fire fight.
We bring in this civilian who
got killed in the crossfire.
I pull back the sheet,
and who is it?
Not the kid, but, like,
the kid's dad's, like,
coworker's neighbor.
He was 74 and he had actually
tried to rape someone.
But just looking down
at his dead face
and knowing that he lived near
someone who worked with the dad
of the kid whose name I never
found out, I lost all hope.
That's when I knew
I had to get out of Iraq.
I just had to wait
for my chance.
I call the white meat!
I call the dark meat!
I call the cell phone
duct taped to the side!
No!
Somehow, I'd been spared
that Thanksgiving.
But I can't say the same
for my bunkmates.
There were bits and pieces
of them everywhere.
I knew the Army would never be
able to identify who was who.
So that was my chance
to disappear.
So I left.
How could you
do that?!
Coward!
Traitor!
If you think
that I'm gonna masturbate
after this tonight,
you're right.
We don't have to sit
here and listen to this.
Come on, Kevin, let's
get out of here.
Nice try, skank.
Worth a shot.
Well, where did you go
after you left the war?
I spent a few years laying low.
Wrote some poems.
You want to hear some?
No.
Are you sure?
They're pretty intense.
No.
Here, let me just read one.
If I can guess a line in there,
will you not read it?
I don't think you'll be able
to guess a line.
Is it something like,
"Ice burns as hot as fire"?
Okay, so then I went to Europe,
Australia, Canada, all over.
But I really missed you guys.
I wanted to be with people
who love me, no matter what.
So I came home.
Well, it sounds
to me like
you're a regular
Benedict Arnold Drummond.
W-What's he expecting us
to cut to?
I think he wants maybe--
I don't know--
Gary Coleman
in a Napoleon hat?
But we don't have that.
We-We got to come up
with something.
Well, we got, uh, we got
"The Cowardly Lion is
Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist."
Play it, play it.
But he didn't set it up.
Play it!
All right, I'm gonna
check her for diseases.
There's just one thing
I want you to do.
What's that?
What's that?
Talk me out of it.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
What the hell
is going on up there?
Well, I'm sorry
you all feel the way you do.
But I walked away from
an illegal war of aggression
being fought 6,000 miles away
from our shores.
Better there than here
where all my stuff is.
So, what, you figured you'd just
let 'em get away with 9/11?
Mr. Griffin, Iraq had
nothing to do with 9/11.
And the war we started in Iraq
has killed a half a million
of their people, which
is like 200 9/11's.
So, I guess those moments
of silence we had
at those sporting events
meant nothing to you.
I'm just saying
this war is wrong.
Son, your job isn't to decide
whether it's right or wrong.
Your job is to
follow orders.
Well, that's what the Nazi
soldiers did, isn't it?
They followed orders.
You're saying our troops
are like the Nazis?!
No, I'm just saying that blindly
following orders has resulted
in the deaths of millions
of people throughout history.
You know, I have not talked
to Carol all night.
Carol, how are you?
Look, I think you guys are
all rushing to judge Kevin
without knowing what it was like
to be in his shoes.
He saw horrific things,
in a horrific war,
that only one other person here
could possibly come close
to understanding: Ida.
She was in the military.
She's seen battle.
She's seen innocent people
butchered by war machines.
And I'm sure that Ida,
more than anyone else here,
can understand and support
the choice that Kevin made.
No, Brian, I do not understand
Kevin's choice,
and I do not support it.
Okay, well, that's just
some dumb drag queen.
Son, when you go to war,
you don't end up
fighting for your country
or your family or your flag.
You're fighting for
your fellow soldiers
there in the foxhole with you.
You walked out on those men, and
that's what's most unforgivable.
You know what, everyone?
Forget it.
Up till today,
you guys thought I was dead.
Well, I'm not.
But after all this,
Dad, you may as well
take me to prison,
'cause right now
I wish I was dead.
If anyone has wanted whip cream
on their pie, it's not my fault.
I can't get a (bleep) word
in edgewise around here.
Kevin, I don't want
to lose you again.
But I do have
a job to do.
So get moving.
'Cause there's at least
one Swanson man in this room
who does his duty.
Doodie means poop.
It does.
Are you, Dad?
Are you the only one
who does his duty?
That's not
how I remember it.
What are you
talking about?
You don't remember, do you?
I was in first grade.
You took me out with you
on one of yo shifts.
I just think it's
presumptuous.
I mean, come on, "the
country's best yogurt"?
You know, prove it.
Show me your data.
Help! Police!
That man's a thief!
Go get him, Dad!
Reach for the sky, dirtbag!
What the hell?
I'm sorry, Officer.
I-I was just trying
to feed my family.
I don't care what you were
trying to do, you broke the law.
I know.
I didn't know what else to do.
I have three very wide-eyed
children to feed.
Wide-eyed children
are the hungriest.
Kids, Daddy has to go away
for a while, okay?
Take care of Mommy
until she dies tomorrow.
It's okay, Daddy.
I'll be the man of the shack
while you're gone.
Uh, listen,
there's been a mistake.
I'm not here
to arrest your father.
You're not?
No, Son.
I just came over to tell you
what a great guy your father is
and how hard he's been
working for all of you.
Wait. You're letting me go?
I don't understand.
I'm not sure I do either.
I know the law says
I have to arrest you.
But sometimes the law
is just a piece of paper.
There's right, there's wrong,
and somewhere in between,
there's life.
You folks have a good day.
I never forgot what you did.
Well, thanks for
coming, you guys.
You know what you were
doing that day, Dad?
You were breaking the law.
You knew what your duty told you
you were supposed to do,
but instead, you did
what you thought was right.
I haven't thought about
that family in years.
I think about them
all the time.
And the example
you set for me that day.
It's the very reason
I left Iraq.
It sucks how early
I have to work.
Well, Kevin,
I still can't say
that I agree
with your choice.
Not one bit.
But I suppose
sometimes a man
has to do
what he thinks is right.
And if that's what
you thought was right,
I guess I can accept it.
I'm glad you're
home, son.
Me, too, Dad.
You know, there's still
some pumpkin pie left, everyone.
That sounds
good to me.
Me, too.
Hey, happy Thanksgiving
to us all, huh?
USA! USA!
Wait!
That man's an imposter.
I'm the real Kevin Swanson!
Guys, I don't think
we have time for this.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
♪ Family Guy 10x06 ♪
Thanksgiving
Original Air Date on November 20, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
And we're back with our coverage
of the Quahog
Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Happy Turkey Day, Quahog.
This is Tom Tucker
and Joyce Kinney
live at the parade.
We've got some on-and-off
drizzle here today,
and we're a little w,
as you can see,
because, apparently, there are
no awnings that exist anywhere.
There's your top news
story right there.
Mysterious awning
shortage ravages the Northeast,
but miraculously has not
affected Channels 2 or 6.
No no. Keep the camera
over there.
I want everyone to see it.
This is why we're third.
And here comes our first
float of the day, Tom.
It's the James Woods
High football team
with their
"Not Gay Revue."
♪ We just won the big game ♪
♪ We just won the big game ♪
♪ We drilled 'em and banged 'em ♪
♪ And plowed 'em a lot ♪
♪ And though that
sounds suggestive ♪
♪ Let me stress that it's not. ♪
And here comes the Rocky and
Bullwinkle float.
Always a popular sight
here at the par...
S-Somebody want
to handle that?
Does some--
does some--
Does somebody want
to deal with that?
The car alarm,
"what."
You're kidding.
Well, viewers,
to top it off,
that's the Channel 5
news van you're hearing.
Ph-Phil, Phil just open it--
unlock the doors.
You don't have to put
the key in the ignition.
Well, open the
driver's side first.
Okay, well, I guess
it's broken, then,
and there's nothing
we can do about it.
Okay, happy Thanksgiving,
Quahog.
Here's a car alarm.
All right, well,
I guess we'll just...
Ahhh, there we go.
Oh, that must be
Joe and Bonnie.
Now remember everyone,
let's be cheerful,
'cause Thanksgivings
are very hard for them.
'Cause Joe can't walk?
No.
'Cause his bum doesn't
open up to poo anymore,
and a nurse has to
go digging up there
to get up after
his stuff?
Oh, my God!
I know.
That was told to me
in confidence.
No. Don't you
remember, Peter?
It was
on Thanksgiving
that their son Kevin
got killed in Iraq.
Look who's here!
Happy Thanksgiving.
Gobble gobble.
You guys, thanks so much
for having us over.
Well, we're just glad we
can have people over again
now that that giant
crab's gone.
Hey, guys, how ya doin'?
Come on in.
No-no-no-no-no-no-no.
No-no-no-no-no,
no-no-no-no-no.
Just go around it.
He's not gonna
hurt ya.
Just go around it.
No-no-no-no-no-no-no.
No-no-no-no-no,
no-no-no-no-no.
No-no-no-no-no.
All right, try just
going under him.
I think we should
probably just go home.
Maybe we'll do it
another time.
No-no-no-no-no.
What the hell?
Mom!
Mom, it's me! Mom!
Oh, yeah, it's a baby.
It's a big balloon, baby,
just like you're a baby.
No, it's me!
It's a balloon of me!
Peter, come
look at this.
He sees a baby and knows
that he's also a baby.
So smart.
Mama's smart little boy.
Aah, check out Quagmire.
It's been a year and a half,
and he still looks
uncomfortable around his dad.
Well, it's a
big adjustment.
After all, his dad did have
a sex-change operation.
So, uh...
how-how are things, Dad?
Oh, Glenn, I can't tell you how
wonderful it is to be back here.
This is gonna be a really
special Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving!
We brought
chicken wings.
Oh, yum. I hope they're the
kind with the bone removed.
Hey, Aunt Carol.
Hey, Uncle Adam.
♪ La la la la la. ♪
Don't mention last night's
Project Runway.
I've got it on TiVo.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I brought Marshmallow Peeps.
Oh.
Okay.
I'm gonna need
that Pyrex dish back.
Okay.
I'm gonna need it back now.
Oh.
I don't want
anything else today
to get as tense
as that just got.
Carol, it's so good
to see you.
You, too, Lois.
God, that is
one nice ass.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
This is nice.
This is very nice,
the time that we're spending
together right now.
Easy, Joe.
Sorry.
Just making mental memories
for when you're all
inevitably dead,
and I'm left alone.
Geez. Quagmire, help me out
with this.
No, he's right.
I mean, sometimes
chicks die, and it's
not anyone's fault.
Okay, everyone, it's 2:30.
Time for dinner.
'Cause on Thanksgiving, 2:30
is dinnertime for some reason.
Oh, my.
Lois, those sweet potatoes
look delicious.
That's the
stuffing, Ma.
Now put on your glasses before
you run over another black guy.
Oh, this looks fantastic.
I can't wait to poop this out.
Hey! Who's gonna get
the Thanksgiving dump trophy
this year?
You are!
Dad's gonna get it!
Who else?
Loving.
Loving family.
Well, dig in, everyone!
Hello, Ida.
Hello, Brian.
How have you been?
Very well, thank you.
He threw up when he found out
you were a monster.
This food is so (bleep) good,
Lois.
Oh. Okay.
Wow.
Hey! Is there room at that table
for one more?
Oh, my God!
Kevin Swanson!
Son, you're alive!
Aw, and I stayed up all night
writing dead kid jokes.
All right, you know what,
I'm gonna do one anyway.
Kevin, go back outside.
Everybody pretend
this didn't happen.
Hey, Joe, what's your favorite
preparation of a tomato?
Is it son-died tomato?
Is it son-died tomato?
Okay, Kevin, you
can come back in.
Welcome home, soldier.
Son-died tomato.
Kevin, you're alive!
I don't believe it.
Oh, my God, it's a miracle!
Well, I guess
you replaced real butter
as the star of the dinner.
But I don't understand.
The Army said you'd
been killed in action.
What happened?
Well, it's quite a story.
In some ways, Army life in Iraq
is what you'd expect,
what with the blistering heat,
the constant sense
of impending danger,
and the one gay soldier
awkwardly avoiding
the use of pronouns.
Man, I sure miss my
sweetheart back home.
I can't wait to get
back to that person.
Chow time, boys.
Yes, sir, Sergeant
Major General Captain!
Ah, come on, boys,
it's Thanksgiving.
Call me Major
General Captain.
Now you eat up.
I don't trust that turkey
those Iraqis made.
Ah, you're all wet, Swanson.
I call the white meat.
I call the dark meat.
I call the cell phone
duct-taped to the side!
Noooooo!
They're all dead, sir,
except for Swanson.
He's in a coma, but he's
unlikely to recover.
Okay, well, just send Swanson's
parents a letter saying
that he's dead, 'cause
those are already printed.
You know what? Send one
to my parents, too.
I spent five years in a
Kuwait military hospital.
I woke up from
the coma last week,
and I flew straight here.
Kind of a
Thanksgiving surprise.
Hey, when you get sexually
abused while you're in a coma,
do you know
it's happening
and just can't do
anything about it?
Or do u not even
know what's going on?
I also am curious about that.
Hey, Kevin, you know
I put a yellow ribbon
on my car for you guys?
And-and a little thing that says
"I support the troops."
'Cause there's nothing
I wouldn't do for you guys.
but I don't have
any change on me right now.
Well, all that matters
is that my boy is home.
Kevin, I want you to meet
your little sister, Susie.
Wow.
Hey, little sis.
I guess we got
some catching up to do, huh?
Hope you
don't get scared
when I scream and
have night terrors.
It's quite all right.
I've seen worse.
A human centipede.
How ghastly.
Your mother and I are
very proud of you, Kevin.
You're a war hero.
I don't feel
like a war hero.
Only a war hero
would say that.
Hey, so what about the female
soldiers over there?
Were they able to contribute?
Eh, you know,
they did their best.
What with their
regular bleedings
when they got shot,
did they even know?
Look, guys,
I'm not a hero.
And I don't want to be treated
any different than before.
Just that you would say that
means we should treat you
different.
Come on, guys, let's give him
all our best food.
Okay, now you eat up, and then
we're all gonna go out back
and play some Thanksgiving touch
football-- excuse me:
war hero Thanksgiving
touch football.
Yeaaaaah!
U.S.A.!
I didn't even know
there was a war.
Okay, let's pick teams.
I'll be a captain,
and, uh, Mayor West,
you can be a captain.
All right.
I pick you.
You can't pick me;
I'm a captain.
No one had ever stood up to me
like that before.
I respected him
from there on out.
That's a great
story, Grandpa.
I didn't like it.
None of my grandchildren
had ever disliked one
of my stories before.
From then on,
he was my favorite.
Well, I don't like that
story, Great Grandpa.
Future old people
are wizards.
I'm... I'm drunk,
and I'm gonna throw the football
too hard at my kids.
Oh, Dad, do we have to--
Ow!
Don't cry!
Don't cry!
Game's over if you cry.
I want you to learn
about life, Chris,
'cause of, in life
it's like this.
Peter, I think you may
have had one too many.
Maybe it's time
to ease off, huh?
What are you talking
about, Lois?
Dads getting drunk
on Thanksgiving
is a holiday tradition.
I work hard to put
a cornucopia on this table,
and you're out
showing your lower ankle
to every Tom, Tom, and
other Tom in our village!
Don't talk to mother
in like fashion!
That's it.
The belt is coming off.
All right, son.
Let's put these bozos
in a hurt locker.
Right? 'Cause, uh,
"hurt locker" means
some kind of war hero
thing, or something.
Pfft. My friends
and I used to laugh
about how fake
that movie is.
But...
Well, wait, I, uh...
I'm pretty sure
that movie came out
after you went
into your coma.
Right-- no, no, uh, I-I-I was
talking about a different movie.
Let's play ball!
Yeah, let's play ball.
The world has changed around me,
and I'm mad and scared!
Lois, this pumpkin pie
looks delightful.
Hey, Kevin, can I see
your Purple Heart?
'Cause I never
actually seen one.
One-one time this homeless guy
showed me his purple head,
but looking back,
I'm-I'm not so sure
that that was really
a military thing.
Pfft. I didn't want
that stupid medal.
You know what I
did with it?
I threw it back over
the White House fence.
Wait a minute.
I thought you said
you flew straight
home from Kuwait
after you woke
from your coma.
When did you throw your medal
over the White House fence?
N-N-N-No, I-I-I told you, I flew
to D.C., ditched the medals,
and flew home.
I guess that was just
his dirty hobo penis, huh?
Kevin, why would you
want to get rid of
your war medals
like that?
'Cause it was
a stupid war, you know?
All it did was put me in a coma
and kill one of my bunkmates
and cripple the other one
for life.
W-Wait a minute.
Now, I thought
earlier you said
that both of your
bunkmates were killed.
Now you're saying
only one of them was?
But I just want
you guys to know
I barely even stared
at that penis for an hour.
What? Come on, Dad.
Whatev.
H-Hey, why's it
so hot in here?
It's too hot in here.
Wait a minute.
An Ed Hardy T-shirt?
That particular
strain of douche bag
didn't arise
until 2007,
while you were
supposedly in your coma.
Look, get off my case, Dad!
What do you want from me?
The truth.
Fine! Here's the truth!
I was never in any coma, okay?
I bailed.
I faked my death and went AWOL.
I faked my own death once.
No dentist appointment
for this guy.
So, there it is.
I'm not a war hero.
I abandoned my platoon.
So now what do we do?
Me?
Am-Am I, am I supposed
to say something?
Kevin,
you're under arrest for
the crime of desertion.
Oh, my.
Um, maybe it's time for us
girls to hit the powder room.
You may use
the yard.
So you were lying
to us this whole time?
You weren't really
injured in Iraq?
First Pat Tillman lies
about how he died and now you?
Kevin, I don't
understand.
There's nothing to understand.
Our son is a deserter.
Come on, Kevin,
I'm taking you to jail.
Joe, wait!
Not now, Bonnie.
Joe, you can't!
Bonnie, we'll discuss
this later!
Joe! You're not taking
my son anywhere.
Damn it, you guys
are ruining Thanksgiving!
And it's my second
favorite holiday,
right after Pretend Not
To Notice People's Race Day.
Hey, you seen
Reggie around?
Which one is Reggie?
Oh, uh, today he's
wearing yellow pants,
uh, yellow shirt, yellow
hat, yellow shoes.
Uh, he's got a gold tooth,
uh, diamond earring.
Um, he's got that big necklace
with the dollar sign on it.
Uh, he's always
grabbing his crotch
when he's
telling a story.
Like the one about
when he found out
his mother is really
his grandmother.
Could you be more specific?
Uh, oh, let's see.
Uh, he always wears
cheap cologne.
Uh, drives a Mercury Cougar
with a crown on the dashboard.
Uh, never pays
his alimony.
Uh, he's extremely cut for
a guy who never works out.
Oh, there he is.
Thanks anyway.
Hey, Reggie!
Look, maybe we should
just let Kevin
explain why he did what he did.
At first,
I believed in the cause.
But then I saw what we were
doing to the people of Iraq.
Innocent people.
There was one
that I'll never forget.
He was a little
Iraqi street kid.
I'd befriended him
a few months earlier.
Couldn't have been
more than 12 years old.
I taught him how to crack wise,
American style.
I guess that store's
having a fire sale.
I tell you, that kid was
strong-headed for his age.
Smart, but innocent.
And then one day,
there was a fire fight.
We bring in this civilian who
got killed in the crossfire.
I pull back the sheet,
and who is it?
Not the kid, but, like,
the kid's dad's, like,
coworker's neighbor.
He was 74 and he had actually
tried to rape someone.
But just looking down
at his dead face
and knowing that he lived near
someone who worked with the dad
of the kid whose name I never
found out, I lost all hope.
That's when I knew
I had to get out of Iraq.
I just had to wait
for my chance.
I call the white meat!
I call the dark meat!
I call the cell phone
duct taped to the side!
No!
Somehow, I'd been spared
that Thanksgiving.
But I can't say the same
for my bunkmates.
There were bits and pieces
of them everywhere.
I knew the Army would never be
able to identify who was who.
So that was my chance
to disappear.
So I left.
How could you
do that?!
Coward!
Traitor!
If you think
that I'm gonna masturbate
after this tonight,
you're right.
We don't have to sit
here and listen to this.
Come on, Kevin, let's
get out of here.
Nice try, skank.
Worth a shot.
Well, where did you go
after you left the war?
I spent a few years laying low.
Wrote some poems.
You want to hear some?
No.
Are you sure?
They're pretty intense.
No.
Here, let me just read one.
If I can guess a line in there,
will you not read it?
I don't think you'll be able
to guess a line.
Is it something like,
"Ice burns as hot as fire"?
Okay, so then I went to Europe,
Australia, Canada, all over.
But I really missed you guys.
I wanted to be with people
who love me, no matter what.
So I came home.
Well, it sounds
to me like
you're a regular
Benedict Arnold Drummond.
W-What's he expecting us
to cut to?
I think he wants maybe--
I don't know--
Gary Coleman
in a Napoleon hat?
But we don't have that.
We-We got to come up
with something.
Well, we got, uh, we got
"The Cowardly Lion is
Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist."
Play it, play it.
But he didn't set it up.
Play it!
All right, I'm gonna
check her for diseases.
There's just one thing
I want you to do.
What's that?
What's that?
Talk me out of it.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
What the hell
is going on up there?
Well, I'm sorry
you all feel the way you do.
But I walked away from
an illegal war of aggression
being fought 6,000 miles away
from our shores.
Better there than here
where all my stuff is.
So, what, you figured you'd just
let 'em get away with 9/11?
Mr. Griffin, Iraq had
nothing to do with 9/11.
And the war we started in Iraq
has killed a half a million
of their people, which
is like 200 9/11's.
So, I guess those moments
of silence we had
at those sporting events
meant nothing to you.
I'm just saying
this war is wrong.
Son, your job isn't to decide
whether it's right or wrong.
Your job is to
follow orders.
Well, that's what the Nazi
soldiers did, isn't it?
They followed orders.
You're saying our troops
are like the Nazis?!
No, I'm just saying that blindly
following orders has resulted
in the deaths of millions
of people throughout history.
You know, I have not talked
to Carol all night.
Carol, how are you?
Look, I think you guys are
all rushing to judge Kevin
without knowing what it was like
to be in his shoes.
He saw horrific things,
in a horrific war,
that only one other person here
could possibly come close
to understanding: Ida.
She was in the military.
She's seen battle.
She's seen innocent people
butchered by war machines.
And I'm sure that Ida,
more than anyone else here,
can understand and support
the choice that Kevin made.
No, Brian, I do not understand
Kevin's choice,
and I do not support it.
Okay, well, that's just
some dumb drag queen.
Son, when you go to war,
you don't end up
fighting for your country
or your family or your flag.
You're fighting for
your fellow soldiers
there in the foxhole with you.
You walked out on those men, and
that's what's most unforgivable.
You know what, everyone?
Forget it.
Up till today,
you guys thought I was dead.
Well, I'm not.
But after all this,
Dad, you may as well
take me to prison,
'cause right now
I wish I was dead.
If anyone has wanted whip cream
on their pie, it's not my fault.
I can't get a (bleep) word
in edgewise around here.
Kevin, I don't want
to lose you again.
But I do have
a job to do.
So get moving.
'Cause there's at least
one Swanson man in this room
who does his duty.
Doodie means poop.
It does.
Are you, Dad?
Are you the only one
who does his duty?
That's not
how I remember it.
What are you
talking about?
You don't remember, do you?
I was in first grade.
You took me out with you
on one of yo shifts.
I just think it's
presumptuous.
I mean, come on, "the
country's best yogurt"?
You know, prove it.
Show me your data.
Help! Police!
That man's a thief!
Go get him, Dad!
Reach for the sky, dirtbag!
What the hell?
I'm sorry, Officer.
I-I was just trying
to feed my family.
I don't care what you were
trying to do, you broke the law.
I know.
I didn't know what else to do.
I have three very wide-eyed
children to feed.
Wide-eyed children
are the hungriest.
Kids, Daddy has to go away
for a while, okay?
Take care of Mommy
until she dies tomorrow.
It's okay, Daddy.
I'll be the man of the shack
while you're gone.
Uh, listen,
there's been a mistake.
I'm not here
to arrest your father.
You're not?
No, Son.
I just came over to tell you
what a great guy your father is
and how hard he's been
working for all of you.
Wait. You're letting me go?
I don't understand.
I'm not sure I do either.
I know the law says
I have to arrest you.
But sometimes the law
is just a piece of paper.
There's right, there's wrong,
and somewhere in between,
there's life.
You folks have a good day.
I never forgot what you did.
Well, thanks for
coming, you guys.
You know what you were
doing that day, Dad?
You were breaking the law.
You knew what your duty told you
you were supposed to do,
but instead, you did
what you thought was right.
I haven't thought about
that family in years.
I think about them
all the time.
And the example
you set for me that day.
It's the very reason
I left Iraq.
It sucks how early
I have to work.
Well, Kevin,
I still can't say
that I agree
with your choice.
Not one bit.
But I suppose
sometimes a man
has to do
what he thinks is right.
And if that's what
you thought was right,
I guess I can accept it.
I'm glad you're
home, son.
Me, too, Dad.
You know, there's still
some pumpkin pie left, everyone.
That sounds
good to me.
Me, too.
Hey, happy Thanksgiving
to us all, huh?
USA! USA!
Wait!
That man's an imposter.
I'm the real Kevin Swanson!
Guys, I don't think
we have time for this.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==