Family Guy (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 7 - Amish Guy - full transcript

(SINGING) It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex an TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

There it is, you guys.

The best roller coaster in all of Quahog.



(READING)

You know, I think they kind of figured

that movie was going to turn out
to be bigger than it was.

Oh, come on, Lois, it'll be awesome.

It simulates all the fun of, um...

What was it now?
It was like a tall guy in a black hat

and a cape or something?

Yeah, yeah. And there was the guy
with the mask who wore a mask.

And one guy had an umbrella.

Yeah, and I believe
he opened it at one point.

Yeah, and it wasn't overly long.

Yeah, not overly long.

Sorry, sir, there's a weight limit
on this coaster.

Oh, really, what's the limit?



The rule is you can't look hilarious
on this motor scooter.

(LAUGHS)

l'm sorry, there's just no way.

Big news out of Six Flags Columbus today,
as they unveil what promises

to be the largest roller coaster
in the United States.

That's right, Joyce.
They call it The Holocaust.

The ride has several
Jewish groups up in arms,

as they go aver the first rise.

(LAUGHS)

(STUTTERS) No, I'm kidding.
They 're actually pretty upset.

Wow! I had heard about the Holocaust,
but I never believed it till right now.

I have to ride that ride.

Peter, come on, they're not going to let you
ride that ride either. You're overweight.

I'm not overweight. l'm under tall.

Garfield, 1982.

Speaking of which, do you wanna read
something seriously messed up?

Go out and pick up, Garfield: His 9 Lives.

An absolutely bizarre,
fucked-up piece of fiction.

Half of them aren't funny.
They're just artsy, scary and disturbing.

Why did you do Garfield: His 9 Lives,
Jim Davis?

Why did you do that dark freaky one
where Garfield kills that old woman?

You wanna see a picture? Look at this.

This is an actual picture from the book.

(MIMICKING) "Hey.

"Nice to see you Garfield.

"What's the matter?

"You a little agitated?

"Out to commit murder?"

Come on, Jim, your job is to give us yuks.

A job you do damn well, make no mistake.

That's why old Peter's giving you
a get-out-of-jail-free card on this one.

But I don't wanna see another one of those.

All right?
'Cause it scared the bejesus out of me.

And I had to sleep
with my mother for a week.

I am quite finished.

Peter, if you want to ride
that roller coaster,

you're going to have to go on a diet.

A diet, huh?
All right, well, how's that work?

Well, I suppose you can start
by keeping a food journal,

like Quagmire does.

Yeah, in fact, I got it right here.

Today, I ate Peaches, Ginger, Honey,
Candy, Olive.

You know what? This is the wrong list.

All right, if that's what it takes
to ride that ride,

I am going on a diet. And l'm not stopping

till I look as good as my great aunt,
Legs Go All The Way Up Griffin.

Hey, baby, do those legs go all the way up?

Why, yes, they do.

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God! You're a monster!

- (TIRES SCREECHING)
- Come back.

I'll let you do me in the back of the head.

- Hey, what do you got there, Peter?
- Rice cakes.

Never had one, but somebody told me this
is a really good way to start your diet.

(SCREAMS)

(COUGHING)

Who could think of such a horrible thing?

(LAUGHING)

We know you not like rice cake.

(WOMEN SINGING ON-TEXT)

(GONG CLANGS)

All right, Peter, the most important thing
when you're on a diet is willpower.

Now l'm going to put this steaming pie
on the window sill to cool.

Now, no matter how many beckoning
fingers that steam morphs into,

or how badly it tries to sneak
its way up your nose,

I want you to resist the urge
to levitate off the ground

and float towards the pie.

- Doesn't seem too hard.
- All right, go stand over there.

(LAUGHS)

No, you don't.

No, no, you can't go in there.

No, no, stay out of there.
That's my special area!

(SCREAMS)

No! Stop! l'm saying no!

I'm saying no!

What kind of pie is this?

Peter, it's making me watch!

Peter, I don't understand why
we have to drive all the way to Ohio

to ride a stupid roller coaster.

Yeah, besides,
they're still not going to let you on.

You haven't actually lost any weight.

Oh, I think my lithe figure
would suggest otherwise.

A girdle is not a substitute
for weight loss, Peter.

Hey, l'm riding that roller coaster,
and that's all there is to it.

Now let's get out of here. This thing's
squishing my organs around.

(BEATING)

There it is, kids. Columbus, Ohio.

Now, remember, there are no rules about
who can wear stretch pants here,

so you're going to see
some pretty shocking things.

Brian, is this our vacation?

Yeah.

Oh.

Are we trash?

- Kinda.
- Oh.

I'm sorry, sir.
You're too fat to ride the coaster.

Oh, darn it.

Yeah, why don't you go back
to your pond, hippo? (LAUGHS)

How about me, sir?

Am I too fat to ride?

- No, you don't seem to be.
- (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

Well, you got to hand it to him.

He had a dream and he made it happen.

That's what the Wright brothers did.

So, how's your boyfriend, Orville, doing?

Ex-boyfriend, if you don't mind.

And who cares?

He's probably off in a barn somewhere
working on a contraption

- with that weird brother of his.
- Ew.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

ORVILLE: Ha-ha! Bitch.

You're so pretty. I miss you.

(GEARS GRINDING)

- (ALL SCREAMING)
- (CRASHES)

PETER: Well, this has given me
a lot to think about.

WOMAN: (SCREAMS) My son is dead!

We are going to have
to send that family money.

I know we are.

Mom, l'm hungry.
Can we stop and get some food?

Well, I guess it is close to dinner time.

Chris, Stewie, you hungry?

(YAWNS)

What are you looking at?

You going to propose?

- What?
- Yeah, exactly. "What?"

Eyes front.

(ENGINE SPUTTERS)

What the hell?

(AIR HISSING)

Looks like it's the radiator.

Wow! Brian identifies another problem
without a solution.

Let's see if I can walk home
before he shuts up.

Geez, Chris, what's your problem?

I wanted a ferret!

Well, we're just going to have
to find a local mechanic.

On a Friday evening?

I don't think we're going
to have any luck till Monday.

Besides, probably not a lot
of mechanics around here.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

So, we're stuck here?

Hey, Lois, you see that barn out there?

You know who it was built by?

By Mennonites.

Well, I guess we better see
if there's a hotel or something.

I can't believe
we're stuck in Amish country.

Yeah, I thought something was "a-mish."

Hey, excuse me, fella?

Yeah, we're looking for a room.

Are ye indeed, outsiders?

We do not see many
of your folk in these parts,

but we welcome all of God's children
in their hour of need.

Well, actually, I think we need it
for more than an hour.

Or do we, right, Lois? (LAUGHING)

I do not last very long.

Ew. Creepy. What's this?

It's an Amish doll.

They're not allowed to have faces.
Has something to do with vanity.

Looks like a cross-dressing
Cobra Commander.

- Who?
- Cobra Commander.

He's the head of Cobra.
The bad guys from G.l. Joe.

The guys who oddly shout the name
of their terrorist organization

as they're attacking.

Guys, we're under attack.

- By who?
- I don't know.

Cobra!

Oh, it's Cobra.

Oh, of course. Look, they have the pictures
of the snakes on their planes.

Duke, what have I been saying for years?

What makes a good terrorist organization?

- Brand recognition.
- Brand recognition.

Mom, I can't stay here.

There's no electricity, no telephones,
it's horrible.

ELI: Excuse me.

I assure you
our community is quite pleasant.

Perhaps I could show thee around.

Okay.

My name is Eli.

My parents run the inn.

If there is anything we can do
to make your room more plain,

do not be afraid to ask.

Ah, we'll be all right.

A hotel in Amish Country can't be any
worse than staying in a youth hostel.

Hi, I'd like a room.

Preferably one where I have to sleep
with my bag taped to my body.

We have one where
some Italian backpackers

have laid out every item
of clothing they own on all of the beds.

Perfect. Will my bunkmates
be constantly talking

about me in a foreign language?

- Yes, they will, sir.
- Oh, great.

Uh, also, l'm going to have some
mail delivered here,

and I want it to sit in that box
for four years.

Oh, and what street is the bathroom on?

So, what do you do for fun around here?

We do chores and
we watch other people do chores.

Sounds kind of boring.

Alas, there are times when I feel
as if there is much of life I am missing.

Yeah, it'd be tough having no technology.

I don't think I could
live without my iPhone.

You have an iPhone?

Yeah. You've heard of it?

Yes, but only because people sometimes
search for Amish farms on their iPhones.

Here come one now.

(BEEPS)

Thanks for a fun evening, Eli.

And thanks for being so nice to me.

I think you are the most
fascinating girl I have ever met, Meg.

Here. I want you to have this.

- Your iPhone?
- Yeah.

I made you a playlist of songs that I like.

Who is this I am hearing?

It's Avril Lavigne.

Why does she shout at me?

I don't know. Most of my music
I just get pressured to buy.

Thank you for this gift, Meg.

Eli! What are you doing with that outsider?

Her name is Meg, Father.

And I was just showing her our community.

You stay away from her.
She will try to corrupt you.

That is not true, Father. Meg is wonderful.

She is an outsider.

She does not follow the one true path.

You are not to see this girl again.
Do you understand?

I forbid it.

(SIGHS)

- Yes, sir.
- Now come home at once.

And, as for you,

I suggest you stay away
from my son, you harlot.

(SOBBING)

Hey, there, young one, why so sad?

It's just that I really like this boy,
but his dad...

- Oh! Look out.
- (MEG SCREAMS)

- (THUDDING)
- Sorry, there.

Didn't realize how long it had been
since OI' Dumper did his business.

- He'll be done soon enough. Oh!
- (THUDDING CONTINUES)

Maybe not.

Doesn't sound like pooping, does it?

Sounds more like someone dropping
sandwiches off a rooftop.

Watch out below, right?

Look like Hacky Sacks.

You'll be sorry if you kick 'em, though.
(INHALES)

All righty, well he seems
to be all done now.

- You have a good evening...
- (THUDDING RESUMES)

Oh, my goodness.

He must have gotten
into the chicken feed again.

You'd think they'd know
it wasn't in their diet,

but this is how they find out.

You may want to close your mouth.

(SOBBING)

Meg, what's wrong?

Eli's father, Ezekiel, said
that I can't see him anymore!

He said I was trying to corrupt his son.

He did, did he? Well, that does it!

We are gonna teach this town
how to dance!

Oh, Meg, l'm so sorry.

L'd try to talk to Eli's
father for you, honey,

but I don't know if it's my place.

Ezekiel wouldn't listen to you anyway, Lois.
You're a woman.

These people live in a patriarchal society.

The only member of our family
whose word would carry any weight

would be Meg's father.

Dad, will you talk to Ezekiel?

Will you tell him
l'm not trying to corrupt his son?

- Please?
- All right, l'll do it.

But don't expect any miracles.
L'm not good with confrontation.

Like when I got stuck behind
that giraffe at the ballgame.

Yeah! Nice hit! Frozen rope! Awesome!

- What just happened?
- Ground rule double! Whoo!

- I couldn't even see it.
- Yeah, it was something.

Ducks on a pond! Let's bring 'em in!

Could you please sit down?

I am sitting down. You sit up.

I am sitting up, but I
still can't see a thing.

Yeah, sounds like a "you" problem.
Let's go, Sox!

Before we commence with
Samuel Fisher's barn raising,

let us pray.

Dear Amish Lord,

thou looketh sternly
down upon us thine flock,

even though we did not do anything wrong,

and have been doing chores
like fucking crazy.

Please make us humble
and deliver us more hardship,

that we may get thick, calloused hands,

much larger than other people's.

And grant that we become dull,
like Eric Bana,

who we have never seen,
but are just going by reputation,

because it is your will.

We solemnly believe

that although humans have been around
for a million years,

you feel strongly that they had
just the right amount of technology

between 1835 and 1850.

Not too little, not too much.

Please deliver us from Thomas Edison,

the worst human being who ever lived.

And protect us from those
who laugh at our buggies or our hats.

And deliver us from mustaches.

Amen.

Hey, Ezekiel?

You must be Mr. Griffin.

Look, I know you guys are busy
with your barn raising and all, but, uh,

you know, I just wanted to tell you how
much my daughter Meg loves your boy Eli.

I promise you, she ain't trying
to corrupt him or nothing.

Mr. Griffin, with all due respect,

we live in two different worlds.

I must do what is best for my son,
and I have.

Hey, how do we know
what's gonna happen?

For all we know,
Meg might want to Amish herself.

I had not considered this.

I was verily preoccupied
with Eli's corruption.

Plus, it is the time of the month
when Eli's mother is on the burlap.

So what do you say,
let the kids give it a shot?

Perhaps, Mr. Griffin.

- Perhaps.
- Good.

Now, on another note, I notice you don't
have a damn lick of music in this town.

We do not believe in such ostentations.

Well, I am about to change your mind.

Introducing rock 'n' roll.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) I'm an a highway to hell

Highway to hell

I'm an the highway to hell

Highway to hell

You are banished
from our community at once!

And take your whore daughter with you!

How did it go, Dad?

Very well, Meg.

My recollection is
that it went extremely well.

Really? Oh, my God, Dad, that's fantastic!

So I can see Eli again?

EZEKIEL: Griffins!

(CROWD CLAMORING)

What's going on here?

Your family must leave our community
and return to the outside world.

Dad, what's happening?
I thought you talked to him.

Sir, please, whatever your quarrel is
with my husband,

l'm sure it's probably justified,

but l'm begging you,

don't punish the children for it.

They're innocent in all this.

Innocent, are they?

I found this in Eli's corn hole!

Well, I... His what?

A compartment in Eli's room
where he stores his corn.

Oh. Well, okay, whatever you say.

Look, Ezekiel, we would love
to go back to the city, believe me.

I haven't had a drink in three days.

But our car broke down.
We can't go anywhere until it gets fixed.

I have arranged to have that taken care of.

This ride's gonna be so frustrating.

- I know. These horses are so slow.
- Sexy.

Sexy.

Good-bye, Abraham Lincoln people.

(SOBBING)

l'm sorry, Meg.

Eli was the best boy l'll ever meet.

And now l'll never see him again.

ELI: Yes, you will, Meg.

- (GASPS) Eli.
- Eli? What are you doing here?

I could not let you leave without me, Meg.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Hey, Lois, watch me lay rubber
in front of these losers.

(URGES HORSES)

Yeah! Choke on that, nerds.

Eli, I agree that your father was
being somewhat unreasonable,

but I don't think running away
is the answer.

I know, Mrs. Griffin. And I am sorry.

But I just could not bear the thought
of never seeing Meg again.

You ever seen one of these, Eli?

It's a Coleco football game.

Pretty mind-blowing, huh?

You know what? This is garbage to us.

(CLATTERING)

What the hell is that?

Holy crap! Who did this?

It must have been my father.

This is how the Amish declare a feud.

But I thought they were nonviolent.

We are, but Peter must have
really pissed off my dad.

Hey, who raked the leaves?

And look, somebody mowed the lawn.
I was supposed to do that.

(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)

I have done your chores to rob
you of the joy of doing chores.

You bastard.

Peter, we don't have a choice.
We've gotta bring Eli back.

Oh, no, we don't.

What are you talking about?

We can't be part of a feud with the Amish.

I didn't start this thing, Lois,

but l'm gonna finish it.

Joe, go round up Quagmire and all
the modern day technology you can find.

We are going to war.

Oh! Oh, hey, Bonnie. Is Joe there?

Well, can I leave a message for him?

Yeah, it's what I said before
about the war thing.

(BEEPING)

All right, men, this is it.

Technology versus old-timey wooden stuff.

Let's hit 'em hard.

What, again, was the nature
of your beef with them?

I don't know.
Something about a roller coaster. Let's go.

(ALL GRUNT)

Apples! Fire!

(SCREAMING)

Damn it!

Quilters! Advance!

(ALL SHOUT)

(JOE GROANING)

JOE: I bet this hurts so much!

(SCREAMING)

QUAGMIRE: Oh, damn it! l'm bleeding!

Now it's an AIDS quilt.

Suck on this, you furry little weirdoes.

- (HORSE NEIGHS)
- (ALL SCREAMING)

Enough of this crap.

Ezekiel.

Call off your boys and let's
you and me finish this man-to-man.

Indeed. Prepare for a goodly beating.

Dad, stop. Leave him alone.

Father, what are you doing?

I am going to kill that man.

- That man is my girlfriend Meg.
- (PETER CHUCKLES)

This is against everything
our people stand for.

Will you listen to me for one moment?

You were so worried about these outsiders

coming into our community
and corrupting me.

But look at yourself.

You're the one who's allowed yourself
to be corrupted.

God in heaven.

You are right.

I am deeply ashamed.

I only wanted to protect you.

I know you did, Father.

PETER: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

(SIGHS) Son, it is your life to live.

I must accept the life you choose.

I choose to stay here.

- What?
- What?

Meg, you are the most beautiful woman
I will ever know.

You have shown me
so many wondrous things

that have opened my eyes
to the world beyond my home.

But this is where I belong.

I'm sorry if this upsets you, Meg.

I love you, Eli.

I'll always love you.

If this is what you have to do, then,

all I can say is...

l'll never forget you.

(SIGHS)

I am sorry there has been
conflict between us.

Allow me to make amends.

Please, help yourself
to anything in my corn hole.

Hey, don't worry about it.
We can still be pals.

And I know just the place for us
to go and blow off all this steam.

We went dancin'

Across the USA

On that crazy king's highway

Too much passion

Too much play

We went dancin', dancin', dancin'

Across the USA

Dancin', dancin' across the USA

Dancin', dancin', dancin '
Across the USA

Dancin', dancin '