Family Guy (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 5 - Back to the Pilot - full transcript

(SINGING) It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex an TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Oh, hey, there you are. Hey, listen, I got
something really cool I want you to see.

- What is it?
- This.



I found it in the yard.

A tennis ball.
That's very impressive, Brian.

Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs
in the neighborhood.

- They'll be jealous.
- You son of a bitch.

And this is nothing.

There's one tennis ball out there
that's even cooler 'cause I peed on it.

Buried it years ago.
I just can't remember where.

I'd give anything to find it, though.

Well, if you could recall exactly when
you buried it,

I suppose I could help you out.

I remember the exact day.
January 31, 1999.

Very well, follow me, Brian.

Watch out for Ernie.
He's getting a CAT scan.

(MECHANICAL BEEPING)



Well, here we are.

That's odd. lt's our house,
but somehow it looks a little different.

MEG: Mom, my lips are too thin.
Can I please get collagen injections?

Meg, you don't need to
change the way you look.

You know, most of the world's problems
stem from poor self-image.

Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice?

She sounds like someone who's about to
give up a huge opportunity.

That's nothing. Look at you.

You look like a prize
at some Mexican church carnival.

Excellent. The mind-control device
is nearing completion.

I recall this day.

You know, I actually think
this might be my first memory.

Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

Damn you, vile woman!

You've impeded my work since the day
I escaped from your wretched womb.

Oh, don't pout, honey.

You know, when you were born,

the doctor said you were
the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen.

But of course. That was my victory day.

The fruition of my deeply laid plans
to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille.

Return the device, woman!

Jesus. What, did you carry
a thesaurus around with you?

You know, it's amazing I could speak at all
with that circumcision still healing.

Hey, wait a minute, Stewie.
That's the spot!

That's where I buried my tennis ball!

Whoa, whoa, Brian, what are you doing?
You can't dig it up here.

Just make a mental note
of where you buried it,

and as soon as we're back in the present,
you can dig it up then.

Why?

Because we can't risk doing anything
that alters the past.

You know, I never got that. I mean,
wouldn't you want to alter the past?

I mean, you could make
life better for yourself.

And not just for yourself, for everyone.
You could stop 9/11.

Brian, there's one rule of time travel,
and that is,

do not alter the past in any way
or the consequences could be dire.

- Yeah, where'd you hear that?
- Quantum Leap.

That guy changed the past all the time!

Quick, Brian! Get down!

Hey, Peter, my thing went off.
Your thermostat okay?

- PETER: Yeah, it's all right.
- Hey, is my kid over here?

MAN: Forget it. False alarm.

Whoa, ass ahoy.

Hey, Peter, it's 7:00
and you've still got your pants on.

What's the occasion?

You know, l'm only telling you this now,
but I didn't even know we had a dog then.

Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye
did that weird, creepy thing

where it went over his nose.

Come on, you're worrying about nothing.

Oh? Remember when you got drunk off
the communion wine at church?

STEWIE: Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that.

Wait, what are they doing?

I don't know.
They're just standing there like zombies.

Do you think they're all right?

(STAMMERING) l'm not sure.

And then there was that time
at the ice cream store.

They're doing it again. What the hell?

(STAMMERING) I... I'm at a loss.

I mean, I know we're not supposed
to mess with the timeline,

but should we call an ambulance?

That is so creepy.

And remember you had an Irish coffee
the day we went to see Philadelphia?

Oh. They're... They're setting up
fucking cutaways.

Oh, my God, is that what
we did back then?

Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like,
return text messages

and screw around and whatnot.

Lois, l'm not going back to work tomorrow.

That new boss has it in for me.

He's meaner than a shifty salesman.

You sure you got time to smoke?

Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington.
It goes on for a while.

All right, look, we found out
where your ball is buried.

Now let's get back to our own time.

Okay, get the return pad. Let's go.

Not out herein the open.
Someone could see us.

Remember? No altering the timeline?
Come on, let's get up to my room.

Hey, wait a minute, Stewie,
I got to take a leak.

Will it screw up the timeline if my
future pee goes in a past toilet?

Uh, no, as long as it goes in the toilet.

One splash on a magazine in there,
and we're getting chased by dinosaurs.

Huh. Looks more or less the same.

Oh, my God, my Japanese children's books.
I forgot about these.

You Poop Now. Horton Hears a Suicide.

The Little Engine That Will,
Or Get Great Shame.

Oh, there you are. All right, come on, Brian.
Let's get out of here.

PAST STEWIE: Blast, that draggle-tailed,
blunt-edged, matriarchal despot!

Who the deuce does she think she is?

(GASPS) Quick, Brian, hide!

I shall cleverly disguise this lethal plasma
disruptor device as a tuna fish sandwich,

whereupon I shall end that wretched
woman's Draconian reign of tyranny!

(SNEEZES)

(GASPS)

Oh. Hey.

Who the deuce are you?

Uh, well, l'm, uh... l'm you.

You look like me,
but that's utterly impossible.

I'm afraid it's true. l'm you from the future.

- I've traveled back in time.
- That's absurd.

Look, I can prove to you
that l'm you from the future.

I know about the Eddie Bauer catalog.

(GASPS) It is you!

Okay, bye, Lois. l'm going to the stag party.

Brian, you might as well come out now.
He knows everything.

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

Uh-oh.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

- Brian, are you all right?
- Yeah, l'm fine.

Where'd you get that?

The Stewie from the past has a lot
more gadgets and things than I do.

I've kind of slacked offa little bit.

- How's the party?
- Oh, looks like fun.

- Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"?
- Right here.

- You win!
- All right! What do I win?

Another beer!

Okay, take a last look,
'cause we're out of here.

(BEEPS)

Oh, look at that.

There's the old gang we've gotten to know
so well over the years.

(ALL SLURPING)

TV's not even plugged in.

(CROWD CHEERING)

What is this? Where the hell are we?

JOHN MADDEN: The air is electric here
at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight.

- Stewie, what's going on?
- I don't know.

For some reason, the time machine
didn't take us back to the present.

We're still in 1999.

Wait a minute. I remember this.

I think l'm up in that blimp.

Amazing. You can barely drive a car,
and yet you were allowed to fly a blimp?

Yeah, America's great, isn't it?
Except for the South.

Oh, no wonder the return pad
didn't take us all the way.

The batteries are almost depleted.

Are those D batteries?

Yes, ever since we had that
trouble in Germany,

I found a way to convert it so it takes
D batteries instead of uranium.

Only problem is,
I didn't bring any cash with me. Did you?

I don't think that's gonna be a problem.

Oh, my God! Quick, grab some money!

You... You have pockets?

Are you putting that in pockets?
That's so cute.

(CLAMORING)

JOHN MADDEN: The crowd is storming
the field. This is pandemonium.

(GUN FIRING)

(AIR HISSING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Quick, Brian, get on!

PAST BRIAN: Whoa, crash ahoy.

Oh, God! Now where are we?

Well, you know,
I figured the sooner I cashed the check,

the sooner they'd catch their mistake.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Look, why are we making
a federal case out of this?

Oh, man, this is the day Peter
went to court for his welfare fraud.

(COUGHS)

- Hey.
- Huh? Oh, hey.

- You're the Kool-Aid guy.
- Yeah.

- What are you doing?
- Just waiting.

- For what?
- I'm just waiting, dude. Relax.

Hey, is there any place around here
that sells batteries?

Guys, don't distract me, all right?
I gotta really be up.

Mr. Griffin, I think your words
have touched us all.

I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison!

- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.

- Oh, no!
- Oh, no!

So there's no organs or glands or
anything, right? lt's just the liquid?

Yeah. Yeah, it's just the liquid.

Um, I don't know if this is a weird question,
but can I have some?

All right, fine. Tilt your head back,

and l'll lean my liquid
down into your mouth.

Oh, now I don't want it.

Oh, crap! Did I miss it?

Look, my husband may be
a bit thoughtless at times,

he may even be downright, well, stupid,

but I know he only accepted
that money because he...

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

You guys did this!
You guys fucking did this!

Talking about my guts?
Fucking me up? Fuck you!

Okay, this is good. We got the D batteries.
Let's get back to the present.

All right, get on.

(SIGHS) We made it.

Yeah, the Super Bowl was cool, but
frankly, no Tommy Brady, no Stewie likey.

Brian, there you are! Come quick.

They're about to announce the unveiling
of your statue on the news.

Statue? For what?

What do you think, Mr. National Hero?

For stopping the 9/11 terrorist
attacks and saving our country.

Oh, you! I can't even express
how mad I am at you right now.

If it wasn't for you, those planes
would've hit the World Trade Center.

Brian, what the hell did you do?

I, uh,
may have told my former self about 9/11.

What did I tell you about altering the past?

Wait, wait, when did you even do that?

Well, you remember when I said
I was going to take a leak?

Brian, you shouldn't have done that.

Who knows what unforeseen consequences
are awaiting us.

Saddam Hussein could be President.

Mexico could be the
world's dominant super power.

Cookie Monster could have
invented Facebook!

- What is this?
- Cookiebook.

LOIS: Brian! Hurry, it's starting!

- Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
- And I'm Joyce Kinney.

Our top story, Quahog prepares to
unveil a new statue

commemorating perhaps
its greatest hero ever.

That's right, Tom. It was 10 years ago
that an almost inconceivable plot

to destroy the World Trade Center was
thwarted by Ouahog's own, Brian Griffin.

This amateur video
captured Griffin's heroism

in the face of o shadowy terrorist
organization called,

holy shit, look at all those vowels,
Al Oua-ay-ee-da.

Here. Make sure you get all this.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Time to terrorize the terrorists.

Ugh. You prepared
catchphrases for yourself?

No. Not necessarily.

(GRUNTS)

Mohamed Atta stayed home.

Nobody knows that guy's name yet. You're
using information that nobody knows.

Houston, we have a solution.

Houston's for space,
not everyday air travel.

Tell them to ground
every plane out of the East Coast.

Seacrest out.

(ALL CHEERING)

Wow! Whats hero.

Coming up next in sports, Arizona Cardinal
Pat Tillman tackled by his own team?

Oh, Brian, we're so proud of you.

Yeah, buddy.
Great job stopping those terrorists.

And thank God their follow-up attack
on St. Louis was a bust.

TERRORIST: We missed!

Brian, I promise you,
all of this can only end badly.

Stewie, it's fine. I prevented 9/11.

How could that possibly be a bad thing?
I mean, come on, I saved, like, 200 lives.

- 3,000.
- Wow! 3,000?

Oh, you knew what you were doing there.

TOM: This major breaking news just in.

Nine Southern states have declared

that they are seceding
from the United States.

The announcem ent came from
former President George W. Bush,

who reformed the Confederacy after a
bitter lass in his 2004 reelection bid.

Bush lost in 2004?

Yeah, he probably couldn't exploit
people's fears with no 9/11.

Bush appeared before the
press today to make this brief sta tem ent.

lf anyone out there can
get their hands an a clown's suitcase,

I'd very much like to see
what's inside of there.

I think we have the wrong clip.

What? No?

(STAMMERING) It... This... Okay.

That was George W. Bush declaring
civil war an the Northern states.

Oh, my God! Civil war?

See, Brian? This is exactly
what I was talking about.

Look, Stewie, this doesn't necessarily
mean things are going to turn out badly.

In fact, I bet, five years from now,

the world will still be
better off for what I did.

Is that so?

Well, Brian, if you're that sure of yourself,

Then let's go five years into the future,
and you can prove me wrong.

Fine.

Wow! This is the future?
Everything looks slicker.

Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape.

I think I can do about seven minutes
worth of funny stuff with it.

That should get us to the
Meg kissing booth story.

Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh?

Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me
borrow your screwdriver set.

You know, I just want to say how nice it is

to be back here with y'all
on Spooner Street.

Oh, I guess things
didn't work out in Virginia.

Chris, I heard you got a D
on your report card.

Here's a cutaway.

Matthew McConaughey is terrible.

Good Lord! What's happened to us?

Okay, maybe things seem a little off,
but other than that, the world seems okay.

Which proves my point. Me stopping 9/11
led to a world that's just fine.

Well, l'll see y'all tomorrow.

(GUNS FIRING)

Brian, you might want to look outside.

Oh, my God!

(CLEVELAND SCREAMING)

CLEVELAND: Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe!
Pebble in my shoe. Pebble in my shoe.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Nice work, Bri.

Whoops. Well, at least
Joe gets to be a cyborg.

Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew,

And therefore,
in violation oflocal ordinance.

Ribbity.

What the hell happened?
Could I really have caused all this?

It says here that the new
American civil war you set into motion

ended up in a series of concentrated
nuclear strikes

all along the Eastern seaboard.

- It killed 17 million people.
- Oh.

Including Cesar Millan.

No! Okay, okay, I get it.
Stewie, I screwed up.

All right? I shouldn't have altered the past.
ls there anything we can do?

Well, the only way to fix this
is to return to the moment

When we first arrived in the past

and stop you
from spilling the beans about 9/11.

Okay. Okay, let's do it.

PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy.

All right, look, there we are.

PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00
and you've still got your pants on.

What's the occasion?

- Stop! Both of you!
- What the hell?

- Who are you?
- We're you, from the future.

Oh, boy, this can't be good news.
Who screwed up?

Take a wild guess.

- What did I do?
- Well, nothing yet, but listen.

Whatever you do, you cannot tell your
former self, that Brian, about 9/11.

If you do, America as you know it
will cease to exist.

My God, Brian. What the hell?

We've been here two minutes,
and already you've destroyed America.

I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11.

That's a lie. You had the idea
a couple of seconds ago,

and you were so excited about it
that your tail is still wagging.

Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything.

Also, if you don't give that Stewie
a back rub, it really messes everything up.

All right, can we go now?

Did that do it? Did we restore the past?

Well, let's check.

9/11.

Oh, there it is. We did it, Brian.
We made 9/11 happen. High five!

- All right! High five!
- Yeah!

Wow, that... That probably wouldn't
look very good out of context.

There's the writer
of the Harry Potter series.

Must be weird hanging out
with us Muggles, huh, Brian?

- Yeah.
- Well, laundrium insertum. Huh? (LAUGHS)

Oh, my God. All right,
you obviously have no self-control,

so we've got to go back and do this again.

- PAST BRIAN: Whoa, ass ahoy.
- All right, let's go.

PAST BRIAN: Hey, Peter, it's 7:00
and you've still got your pants on.

Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here.

BRIAN: Wait!
STEWIE: Wait!

- Who the devil are you?
- We're from the future.

- So are we.
- We're from the further future.

- We came to stop you.
- Why?

What they did actually
turns out to be damage-free.

It's what you're about to do,
stopping them, that causes utter bedlam.

Oh, come on.

Wait! Stop!
We're from the further-further future.

What you guys do eventually works out.

It's what you two are about to do
that ruins everything!

- Stop!
- Don't do anything!

Oh, for God's sake.

We're from the
further-further-further future.

What these two do is fine. lt's what
you two do that makes things worse.

- Stop!
- Wait!

- Hold it!
- Stop!

- Wait!
- No!

- Hold it!
- Stop!

I don't know what l'm doing here.
I'm just looking for the can.

- Don't move!
- Hold it!

- Freeze!
- Stop!

- Wait!
- No!

- Oh, for God's sake, why?
- This is why!

- Don't move!
- Hold it!

- Freeze!
- Stop!

- No!
- Wait!

Oh, my God. What's that?

I don't know what happened.
This is life for some reason.

- Don't do whatever you're about to do.
- God help us. This is no way to live.

(BOTH RETCHING)

(ALL CLAMORING)

(CLAMORING CONTINUES)

All right, everybody, shut the hell up!

All right, this is bullshit, all right?

I can't follow what's going on anymore,

And l'm assuming
the rest of you can't, either.

So let's make this easy and take a vote.

How many think we should prevent 9/11?
Raise your hands.

Three, four, five, six, seven, eight,
nine... Okay, all right, looks like 42.

All right, who votes yes, 9/11?

(MUMBLING)

Okay, all right, 57. All right, 9/11 wins.

Wait, wait, shouldn't it be an even number?
Why is the total an odd number?

- Oh, yeah, I think one of the Brians died.
- What? What do you mean?

I don't know. One of them landed here
with its throat slit.

But wait, if one of me is dead,
then shouldn't all the mes be dead?

Brian, I don't... (SIGHS) I... It's... I don't...
I don't know anymore. I...

You know what? I guess not. All right?

Okay, listen up. Everybody, get back
in your individual time machines

very carefully.

Nobody touch anything.
No Harry Potter novels.

Don't step on a bug.
Don't give earlier yous investment advice.

Just go back to where you came from,
and stay there!

There. Now, we're going to do what
we should have done in the first place.

Get on.

Wait a minute.
lsn't this where we just were?

- Where are the other two us's?
- They're not here yet.

Just to make sure there are absolutely
no loose ends,

l've sent us back in time to the moment
just before you and I originally arrived.

- Why?
- You'll see.

- Get the fuck back in your time machine!
- Ahhh!

- Who are you?
- Never mind who I am!

Just get back in your time machine,
get back to the present, and stay there!

Look, just calm down. Ahhh!

You gonna flap your lips
or you gonna do what I said?

- Okay, okay!
- All right! God!

You just talked to yourself.
Won't that alter the past?

Don't worry, Brian. If I was successful in
restoring the past just now,

you and I will never have existed.

The chronological tangent
that created us will have been erased.

Oh, is it going to hurt?

Just a little.

BRIAN: Ow.

Oh, God, my leg is killing me.

Well, time travel is risky.

Every time you step into that machine,

you invite the possibility
ofaltering the world as we know it.

Thankfully, the alternate versions
of us were there

to prevent us from doing
whatever it is we apparently did.

- I wonder what it was.
- We'll never know.

But look on the bright side.

You might be sitting here
with a hole in your leg,

but at least our present universe
hasn't been affected.

Sorry, guys. l'm gonna need the couch.

The gang and I are gonna watch the game.

All right, let's unplug the TV and get going.

(ALL SLURPING)