Family Guy (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 20 - Leggo My Meg-O - full transcript
Meg gets kidnapped in Paris. Stewie and Brian fly to Europe to rescue her.
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
# Family Guy 10x20 #
Leggo My Meg-O
Original Air Date on May 6, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
All right, ladies,
let's pick teams
for dodgeball.
Connie, would you like
to be a captain?
Sure.
I pick everyone
except Meg.
Fair enough. Go!
Oww!
Hey, where's
everybody going?
That's not how we end
this class.
Good job today.
Good job today.
Great class.
Nice hustle.
Hey, how was gym class?
Terrible.
You know, I don't think
I can take
another semester
at this school, Ruth.
It's torture.
It's worse than sitting
next to a baby on an airplane.
So what brings you
to Kentucky?
I'm visiting my family.
Ah, family man.
Me? Single
and ready to mingle.
Tom Brunell's the name.
Insurance is the game.
And right now,
the game is very good to me.
Hey, I know!
If you hate it
so much here,
why don't you
come to Paris
for a semester
with me instead?
I'm leaving next week.
You're going to Paris
for a semester?
Yeah, it's a program
sponsored by the high school.
My aunt even has
an apartment there
that we can stay in
for free.
Oh, my God,
that sounds so amazing!
Excuse me,
I was wondering
if you would go to the dance
with me on Friday.
Chris, it's me, Meg.
Well, that's everybody.
We now return
to Ethiopian Hoarders.
I don't know
how it got like this!
Dad, Mom,
there's something
I want to ask you.
Can I go to school
in Paris
for a semester?
What? Paris?
Hey, you know,
I have a pen pal in Paris.
Would you mind bringing him
this letter?
We're fighting.
Meg, I'd love to send you
to Paris for a semester,
but we can't afford that.
But I can pay
for it myself.
I've been saving up
from all my part-time jobs.
That's smart of you, Meg.
You know, sometimes I do
part-time jobs
for extra cash.
Gimme money. Gimme money.
Gimme money. Gimme money.
Gimme money.
You be careful,
sweetie,
and call us as soon
as the plane lands.
Okay, Mom, I will.
I'll miss you, Dad.
I've never been very good
at saying good-bee.
Good-bee, Meg.
And I'm gonna
bring you back
something special,
little guy.
Don't worry about me.
Just get yourself laid.
Will you get me
French Stewart's autograph?
Say hello
to the Pont Neuf for me,
or as I like to call it,
my inspiration point...
Oh, you're gone.
And the family's gone.
Oh, my God, we're
actually here in Paris.
This is so exciting!
Good day, foreigners.
On behalf of the country
of France, we surrender.
Oh, my God,
I love your breath.
Hi, I'm Meg.
This is my friend, Ruth.
Would you ladies
like to share a cab,
Or as we say,
"sharre a cabbuh"?
Sure.
That sounds great.
Oh, and please
do not be suspicious
that I am
at the airport
with no baggage
whatsoever.
A cool name to say
with a French accent
is Ashtahn Kootchere.
Bye!
Thanks!
Hey, it's me.
I've got
some fresh arrivals for you.
How are they?
On a scale from un to dix,
they're about a trois.
Wow, this place
is awesome!
I know!
Hey, you wanna dance around
like morons to loud music?
I'll be right back.
I've been holding in
a dump since America.
Griffin residence.
Hi, Dad, it's me.
Just wanted you to know
I got here safe.
And sound?
Yes, Dad, and sound.
Oh, good.
The "sound" is what concerns me.
Oh, it's so amazing here, Dad.
Yep.
You should see it.
Uh-huh.
The apartment we're staying in is huge,
Uh-huh.
and has an incredible view of...
Uh-huh.
Dad, something's
going on.
Some men just broke in.
Oh, my God!
They've got Ruth!
And now, I think
they're coming after me!
All right, Meg,
I need you to listen to me
very carefully:
panic.
Pay no attention to detail.
Let your mind race.
Take short, rapid breaths.
Then hide under the bed,
but leave two of your feet
sticking out.
Oh, my God, Dad!
Are they gonna take me?
I'm so scared!
Meg? Meg?
I don't know who you are.
I don't know what you want.
But I have a very particular
lack of skills.
I will never be able
to find you,
but what I do have
is two dollars
and a Casio wristwatch.
You can have one of them.
Drakkar Noir.
These guys are serious.
Lois, Meg's dead!
Please, there's gotta be
something you can do!
My little girl is
in terrible danger!
Ma'am, the men
who took your daughter
are most likely members
of a sophisticated network
of human smugglers.
If she's not found
within 96 hours,
chances are
she's gone forever.
Then we've gotta hurry!
Sorry, we can't
begin our search
until she's been missing
for 96 hours.
Oh, my God! My baby!
Yeah, there's a pretty grisly
sex trade over there.
Usually we just end up
burying framed pictures.
Oh, Peter!
This is a nightmare!
What's going on
down there?
Are they gonna
find her?
Doesn't look good.
Stewie, I think
there's only one way
we're ever gonna
see Meg again.
You and I have to take matters
into our own hands.
What? What are you
talking about?
Look, you're the only one
who's got the know-how
and the technology
to help us track her down.
Hmm. Interesting.
Last week, all my gadgets
were "hooey,"
I think was the word.
I didn't say...
You said "hooey"!
All right, I've booked us
on a flight
that leaves in two hours,
so, um, whose credit card
shall we put it on?
Just put it on yours
and I'll pay you back.
Yeah, I feel like
when that happens,
I sometimes don't
get paid back.
Like when?
Jersey Boys, Morton's
Steakhouse, Foxwoods...
Foxwoods and Jersey Boys
was the same trip!
You know what? Fine.
I'll-I'll put it
on my card,
but I-I-I'm just gonna say
it's a gift
because that's the only way
I can do this anymore.
All right, the first thing
we've got to do when we land
is check the apartment
where Meg was abducted
and see if we can find
some clues.
That sounds good.
That's what I was thinking.
Excuse me, do you mind
if we switch seats
so my family can sit
all together?
No, we don't...
we-we don't switch.
'Cause when we booked,
they didn't have
three together...
Ma'am, ma'am,
your poor planning
does not constitute
an emergency for me.
You'll see him in Paris.
Go sit down.
God, Meg's kidnappers could be
anywhere in France by now.
Well, we do have
one lead, Brian.
I have a recording
of the kidnapper's voice.
What? You do? How?
I recorded
the kidnapper's phone call
with the fat man.
You see, Brian,
I record
all phone calls coming in
or out of the house.
Y-Y-You do?
Yep. This one's
one of my faves.
Hello, Fundamental Industries.
How can I help you?
Yeah, um, is this...
is this Bang Brothers?
Yes.
Oh. Okay. I-I-I'd like
to cancel my subscription.
Uh, what's your name?
Brian Griffin.
And which site
did you belong to?
Uh... Captain Stabbin'.
And how are you spelling that?
Uh... uh, "Captain", full word,
then "Stabbin',"
S-T-A-B-B-I-N apostrophe.
Okay, I'm checking.
You know, in-instead
of a "G" at the end.
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm not finding that site.
Uh, what was the subject matter?
Um... a guy
doing chicks on a boat
in a, uh, captain's hat.
Okay, I'm checking.
The, um...
the, passengers had, uh,
just signed up
for a tour of the harbor
and then
all that stuff happened.
Okay, you made
your point.
Well, this is where
Meg was staying.
Oh. I thought Paris would be
a bit more picturesque.
Instead it's just traffic
and some big guy
using a jackhammer.
But monsieur,
ziss is not a jackhammer.
It is a "Jacqueshammer."
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-
ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-
ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-
ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho...
Oh, God, it's worse
than I imagined.
You know, maybe
it'd help
if we just tried
to track Meg's movements
from the moment
she arrived in France.
That's a good idea, Brian.
Let's try Google Earth.
Worth a shot.
There. Enhance.
Wow, I never knew you could
do this on a computer.
'Course not, you spend
all your time on this
watching Captain Stabbin'.
All right, we've got
to find this man.
Let's see, this was
taken at the airport.
He could be
some sort of lookout
who spots girls
fresh off the plane.
Yes, you're probably right,
Brian. Such scum.
I'll bet they target
young girls
the way Army commercials
target minorities.
Hey.
Other black guys.
It ain't so bad.
Oh, my God, Stewie!
There he is!
Hey, buddy, we've got
a few questions for you!
Excuse me, but this is
a "smoking only" area.
Oh, sorry.
Do you have a, uh...
You know, I really only smoke
when I drink.
Oh. Well, this is nice.
This is a nice way
to do this.
Look, we need to know:
have you seen this girl?
Quick!
He's getting away!
Oh, no, he's one of those
parkour, free-running guys.
We'll never catch him!
Oh, no. I have
chateau'ed myself.
Damn it. He died before he could
tell us anything.
Brian, he's
the first guy.
The first guy
always dies.
Well, I'm sure
he didn't work alone.
Maybe there's something
in here we can use.
Ugh, this guy has
a Velcro wallet.
Grow up.
All right, this is the address
that was in his wallet.
Yeah, but how are we
gonna know for sure
if these are the guys
who took Meg?
Well, we have the kidnapper's
voice on tape, remember?
Drakkar Noir.
I can use the voice
recognition software
in this recorder
to confirm a match.
Now, here.
Take this briefcase.
We're Eastern European
cologne salesmen.
We ask them
what they want,
and when they say
"Drakkar Noir"--
which they all will--
we'll know
if we have our man.
Drakkar Noir?
All right, well,
that's not him,
but this is
gonna be easy.
Well, gentlemen,
now that you have smelled
all of our colognes,
what'll it be?
I will take
some Drakkar Noir.
How 'bout you?
I am disgusting,
so I will take
two bottle Drakkar Noir.
How 'bout you, chief?
Hmm.
Let me quickly grow beard
and think about it.
I will take
Drakkar Noir.
What the hell
are you doing?!
We haven't eaten
since the plane.
I'm starving.
Where is this girl?
Where is she?!
We keep girls upstairs.
I hope you burn in hell
along with the guy
who came up with
stuffing a turkey.
Hey!
Who wants to try
some of my "Butthole Bread"?
Meg?
Meg?
Help... me.
Oh, we're here to help
somebody else, sweetheart.
Go, go, go, go. Don't...
Don't look at her.
Don't look at her.
That was my mistake.
Stewie, I don't see
Meg anywhere.
Brian, look!
Oh, my God!
Meg!
What the hell?
Where'd you get that hat?
Uh, a girl
gave it to me.
Well, what did she
look like?
She had a great
personality.
That's her.
Where is she?
Is she here?
No, uh, they took her
just a little while ago.
Every Wednesday night,
they auction
some of the girls off.
Wednesday?
What a weird night
to auction girls off
into slavery.
Well, you know,
on the weekend,
people probably
have plans.
Have plans?
What are you doing
that's more important
than buying somebody?
Look, where is
this place?
Where do they have
the auction?
I don't know,
but there is
a courtesy shuttle
that runs
every 20 minutes.
What?
Aw, damn it.
We just missed it.
What do you wanna do
for 20 minutes?
Well, I don't know
'bout you,
but I'm gonna work out.
That's how you stay in shape.
You just fit it in
when you have free time,
wherever you are,
wherever you can.
There's semen on this floor.
Stewie, look!
We gotta get in there!
Hey, got one more here!
Oh, where are we?
I'm from Atlanta.
I don't know
where we are!
Hey, you better hurry.
They're starting soon.
You know what's messed up?
This is all for charity.
All the proceeds
are going to Oxfam.
I hope we're not too late.
You should not
be out here.
Bidding is about to start.
What the hell?
Stewie!
The current bid is $200,000.
Oh, my God.
Going once, twice...
Sold for $200,000.
Remember:
There is cash back
when you use your Visa Gold.
Our next item appears to be
a late entry.
It is not in the catalog.
What the hell?
All right, fellas,
bring the lights up a bit,
play the CD I gave you
and let's do this!
("California Gurls"
by Katy Perry playing)
♪ California girls,
we're unforgettable ♪
Ah, that's right.
You like that?
I have $50,000.
♪ Daisy Dukes, bikinis on top ♪
I have $75,000.
♪ Sun-kissed skin so hot ♪
Thank you, Brett Ratner.
♪ We'll melt your popsicle... ♪
Do I have $100,000?
Oh, for God's sake.
$500,000.
We have $500,000.
Going once, going twice,
sold...
to the man
who doesn't quite get auctions.
That was so fun.
How do you
be paying?
Oh, I, uh, I don't
have any money.
Can we work it out,
uh, maybe, some...
other way?
Wait a minute.
Something doesn't
smell funny here.
You're not Arab!
You two are coming
with me.
This next girl is perfect
for those of you
who want to buy a sex slave
but don't want to spend
sex-slave money.
Oh, my God, Meg!
Wonder what music
they're gonna use for her?
("Let's Make A Deal"
zonk musical cue playing)
Huh, seems about right.
Damn it. We were so close
to saving Meg.
Hey, where's my sister?
She's probably having
her shish kabobbed as we speak.
I heard that from Samantha
in Sex and the City 2.
Ah-ba-ba-ba-ba,
I haven't seen it yet.
That doesn't hurt
the story.
And now prepare to...
We have a jail cell.
I always tell them,
"Put the prisoners
in the jail cell,"
but they always say,
"Just chain 'em up to a pipe."
Idiots.
Hey, that was some
good teamwork, Brian.
We were like Lewis and Clark
and the guy who likes
to tip over canoes.
Ugh, these rapids
are treacherous.
We should reach calmer waters
by nightfall.
Uh-oh!
Earthquake!
Hey, come on!
Careful!
Damn it. Why is he
still with us?
I know!
Until now, walking
to the other end
of the United States seemed
like such a good job.
There she is! Hurry!
Stewie, what are you doing?
We'll never catch
a speeding car on foot.
Haven't you ever seen
an action movie?
All we have to do
is cut diagonally
across any nearby field.
See?
Aw, crap, they're taking her
onto that yacht.
All right, we just gotta
catch up to the boat.
Well, how we
gonna do that?
Oh, cool!
They got Car Chase GPS.
Back up dangerously into traffic.
Proceed wrong way
down busy street for 500 meters.
Say "hang on"
and drive down staircase.
Hang on!
Poorly edited shot where driver
is obviously stuntperson.
Leave fart in closed car
like a dick.
Sorry about that!
All right, they're probably
holding her below deck.
You take the right side.
I'll take the left.
You're gonna need this.
What? I-I-I've never
killed anybody before.
Relax, they're Arabs.
People will still be rooting
for you.
Hey!
Son of a bitch.
Oh. This is like
a video game.
Ah, I'm kinda good at this.
Later, dink.
That's for shooting
one of our guys!
We got you!
In your face!
Our boat!
Our boat!
This boat!
Let me go,
you fat bastard!
I will never be
your sex slave!
You misunderstand.
I did not buy you
to be my slave.
I bought you for my son,
and not to be his slave,
but to be his wife.
Wife?
Faisal!
This is Faisal,
my son and the heir
to my throne.
My father was correct.
Your beauty
knows no bounds.
Fair goddess,
it is my hope
that you will agree
to be my wife,
but the choice is yours.
If you say "no,"
I will have you flown back
to your family
on our private jet.
But if you say "yes,"
I will spend
the rest of my days
making your every wish
come true.
Will you be my wife,
Princess Meg?
Oh, yes! Yes!
Nooooo!
Stewie?
Hi, Meg.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Oh honey, we are so glad
to have you back
but you really don't
remember anything?
Not really, Mom.
I mean, one minute,
I was being proposed to
by a handsome
Arabian prince,
and the next thing
I know,
I'm waking up
in a French hospital.
Oh, and we heard
from Ruth's parents.
She had her tongue ripped out.
I guess we got off easy, huh?
Well, we put
all your mail
on the desk in your room,
sweetheart.
Thanks, Dad.
I'm kidding.
You didn't get any mail.
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
# Family Guy 10x20 #
Leggo My Meg-O
Original Air Date on May 6, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
All right, ladies,
let's pick teams
for dodgeball.
Connie, would you like
to be a captain?
Sure.
I pick everyone
except Meg.
Fair enough. Go!
Oww!
Hey, where's
everybody going?
That's not how we end
this class.
Good job today.
Good job today.
Great class.
Nice hustle.
Hey, how was gym class?
Terrible.
You know, I don't think
I can take
another semester
at this school, Ruth.
It's torture.
It's worse than sitting
next to a baby on an airplane.
So what brings you
to Kentucky?
I'm visiting my family.
Ah, family man.
Me? Single
and ready to mingle.
Tom Brunell's the name.
Insurance is the game.
And right now,
the game is very good to me.
Hey, I know!
If you hate it
so much here,
why don't you
come to Paris
for a semester
with me instead?
I'm leaving next week.
You're going to Paris
for a semester?
Yeah, it's a program
sponsored by the high school.
My aunt even has
an apartment there
that we can stay in
for free.
Oh, my God,
that sounds so amazing!
Excuse me,
I was wondering
if you would go to the dance
with me on Friday.
Chris, it's me, Meg.
Well, that's everybody.
We now return
to Ethiopian Hoarders.
I don't know
how it got like this!
Dad, Mom,
there's something
I want to ask you.
Can I go to school
in Paris
for a semester?
What? Paris?
Hey, you know,
I have a pen pal in Paris.
Would you mind bringing him
this letter?
We're fighting.
Meg, I'd love to send you
to Paris for a semester,
but we can't afford that.
But I can pay
for it myself.
I've been saving up
from all my part-time jobs.
That's smart of you, Meg.
You know, sometimes I do
part-time jobs
for extra cash.
Gimme money. Gimme money.
Gimme money. Gimme money.
Gimme money.
You be careful,
sweetie,
and call us as soon
as the plane lands.
Okay, Mom, I will.
I'll miss you, Dad.
I've never been very good
at saying good-bee.
Good-bee, Meg.
And I'm gonna
bring you back
something special,
little guy.
Don't worry about me.
Just get yourself laid.
Will you get me
French Stewart's autograph?
Say hello
to the Pont Neuf for me,
or as I like to call it,
my inspiration point...
Oh, you're gone.
And the family's gone.
Oh, my God, we're
actually here in Paris.
This is so exciting!
Good day, foreigners.
On behalf of the country
of France, we surrender.
Oh, my God,
I love your breath.
Hi, I'm Meg.
This is my friend, Ruth.
Would you ladies
like to share a cab,
Or as we say,
"sharre a cabbuh"?
Sure.
That sounds great.
Oh, and please
do not be suspicious
that I am
at the airport
with no baggage
whatsoever.
A cool name to say
with a French accent
is Ashtahn Kootchere.
Bye!
Thanks!
Hey, it's me.
I've got
some fresh arrivals for you.
How are they?
On a scale from un to dix,
they're about a trois.
Wow, this place
is awesome!
I know!
Hey, you wanna dance around
like morons to loud music?
I'll be right back.
I've been holding in
a dump since America.
Griffin residence.
Hi, Dad, it's me.
Just wanted you to know
I got here safe.
And sound?
Yes, Dad, and sound.
Oh, good.
The "sound" is what concerns me.
Oh, it's so amazing here, Dad.
Yep.
You should see it.
Uh-huh.
The apartment we're staying in is huge,
Uh-huh.
and has an incredible view of...
Uh-huh.
Dad, something's
going on.
Some men just broke in.
Oh, my God!
They've got Ruth!
And now, I think
they're coming after me!
All right, Meg,
I need you to listen to me
very carefully:
panic.
Pay no attention to detail.
Let your mind race.
Take short, rapid breaths.
Then hide under the bed,
but leave two of your feet
sticking out.
Oh, my God, Dad!
Are they gonna take me?
I'm so scared!
Meg? Meg?
I don't know who you are.
I don't know what you want.
But I have a very particular
lack of skills.
I will never be able
to find you,
but what I do have
is two dollars
and a Casio wristwatch.
You can have one of them.
Drakkar Noir.
These guys are serious.
Lois, Meg's dead!
Please, there's gotta be
something you can do!
My little girl is
in terrible danger!
Ma'am, the men
who took your daughter
are most likely members
of a sophisticated network
of human smugglers.
If she's not found
within 96 hours,
chances are
she's gone forever.
Then we've gotta hurry!
Sorry, we can't
begin our search
until she's been missing
for 96 hours.
Oh, my God! My baby!
Yeah, there's a pretty grisly
sex trade over there.
Usually we just end up
burying framed pictures.
Oh, Peter!
This is a nightmare!
What's going on
down there?
Are they gonna
find her?
Doesn't look good.
Stewie, I think
there's only one way
we're ever gonna
see Meg again.
You and I have to take matters
into our own hands.
What? What are you
talking about?
Look, you're the only one
who's got the know-how
and the technology
to help us track her down.
Hmm. Interesting.
Last week, all my gadgets
were "hooey,"
I think was the word.
I didn't say...
You said "hooey"!
All right, I've booked us
on a flight
that leaves in two hours,
so, um, whose credit card
shall we put it on?
Just put it on yours
and I'll pay you back.
Yeah, I feel like
when that happens,
I sometimes don't
get paid back.
Like when?
Jersey Boys, Morton's
Steakhouse, Foxwoods...
Foxwoods and Jersey Boys
was the same trip!
You know what? Fine.
I'll-I'll put it
on my card,
but I-I-I'm just gonna say
it's a gift
because that's the only way
I can do this anymore.
All right, the first thing
we've got to do when we land
is check the apartment
where Meg was abducted
and see if we can find
some clues.
That sounds good.
That's what I was thinking.
Excuse me, do you mind
if we switch seats
so my family can sit
all together?
No, we don't...
we-we don't switch.
'Cause when we booked,
they didn't have
three together...
Ma'am, ma'am,
your poor planning
does not constitute
an emergency for me.
You'll see him in Paris.
Go sit down.
God, Meg's kidnappers could be
anywhere in France by now.
Well, we do have
one lead, Brian.
I have a recording
of the kidnapper's voice.
What? You do? How?
I recorded
the kidnapper's phone call
with the fat man.
You see, Brian,
I record
all phone calls coming in
or out of the house.
Y-Y-You do?
Yep. This one's
one of my faves.
Hello, Fundamental Industries.
How can I help you?
Yeah, um, is this...
is this Bang Brothers?
Yes.
Oh. Okay. I-I-I'd like
to cancel my subscription.
Uh, what's your name?
Brian Griffin.
And which site
did you belong to?
Uh... Captain Stabbin'.
And how are you spelling that?
Uh... uh, "Captain", full word,
then "Stabbin',"
S-T-A-B-B-I-N apostrophe.
Okay, I'm checking.
You know, in-instead
of a "G" at the end.
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm not finding that site.
Uh, what was the subject matter?
Um... a guy
doing chicks on a boat
in a, uh, captain's hat.
Okay, I'm checking.
The, um...
the, passengers had, uh,
just signed up
for a tour of the harbor
and then
all that stuff happened.
Okay, you made
your point.
Well, this is where
Meg was staying.
Oh. I thought Paris would be
a bit more picturesque.
Instead it's just traffic
and some big guy
using a jackhammer.
But monsieur,
ziss is not a jackhammer.
It is a "Jacqueshammer."
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-
ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-
ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-
ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho...
Oh, God, it's worse
than I imagined.
You know, maybe
it'd help
if we just tried
to track Meg's movements
from the moment
she arrived in France.
That's a good idea, Brian.
Let's try Google Earth.
Worth a shot.
There. Enhance.
Wow, I never knew you could
do this on a computer.
'Course not, you spend
all your time on this
watching Captain Stabbin'.
All right, we've got
to find this man.
Let's see, this was
taken at the airport.
He could be
some sort of lookout
who spots girls
fresh off the plane.
Yes, you're probably right,
Brian. Such scum.
I'll bet they target
young girls
the way Army commercials
target minorities.
Hey.
Other black guys.
It ain't so bad.
Oh, my God, Stewie!
There he is!
Hey, buddy, we've got
a few questions for you!
Excuse me, but this is
a "smoking only" area.
Oh, sorry.
Do you have a, uh...
You know, I really only smoke
when I drink.
Oh. Well, this is nice.
This is a nice way
to do this.
Look, we need to know:
have you seen this girl?
Quick!
He's getting away!
Oh, no, he's one of those
parkour, free-running guys.
We'll never catch him!
Oh, no. I have
chateau'ed myself.
Damn it. He died before he could
tell us anything.
Brian, he's
the first guy.
The first guy
always dies.
Well, I'm sure
he didn't work alone.
Maybe there's something
in here we can use.
Ugh, this guy has
a Velcro wallet.
Grow up.
All right, this is the address
that was in his wallet.
Yeah, but how are we
gonna know for sure
if these are the guys
who took Meg?
Well, we have the kidnapper's
voice on tape, remember?
Drakkar Noir.
I can use the voice
recognition software
in this recorder
to confirm a match.
Now, here.
Take this briefcase.
We're Eastern European
cologne salesmen.
We ask them
what they want,
and when they say
"Drakkar Noir"--
which they all will--
we'll know
if we have our man.
Drakkar Noir?
All right, well,
that's not him,
but this is
gonna be easy.
Well, gentlemen,
now that you have smelled
all of our colognes,
what'll it be?
I will take
some Drakkar Noir.
How 'bout you?
I am disgusting,
so I will take
two bottle Drakkar Noir.
How 'bout you, chief?
Hmm.
Let me quickly grow beard
and think about it.
I will take
Drakkar Noir.
What the hell
are you doing?!
We haven't eaten
since the plane.
I'm starving.
Where is this girl?
Where is she?!
We keep girls upstairs.
I hope you burn in hell
along with the guy
who came up with
stuffing a turkey.
Hey!
Who wants to try
some of my "Butthole Bread"?
Meg?
Meg?
Help... me.
Oh, we're here to help
somebody else, sweetheart.
Go, go, go, go. Don't...
Don't look at her.
Don't look at her.
That was my mistake.
Stewie, I don't see
Meg anywhere.
Brian, look!
Oh, my God!
Meg!
What the hell?
Where'd you get that hat?
Uh, a girl
gave it to me.
Well, what did she
look like?
She had a great
personality.
That's her.
Where is she?
Is she here?
No, uh, they took her
just a little while ago.
Every Wednesday night,
they auction
some of the girls off.
Wednesday?
What a weird night
to auction girls off
into slavery.
Well, you know,
on the weekend,
people probably
have plans.
Have plans?
What are you doing
that's more important
than buying somebody?
Look, where is
this place?
Where do they have
the auction?
I don't know,
but there is
a courtesy shuttle
that runs
every 20 minutes.
What?
Aw, damn it.
We just missed it.
What do you wanna do
for 20 minutes?
Well, I don't know
'bout you,
but I'm gonna work out.
That's how you stay in shape.
You just fit it in
when you have free time,
wherever you are,
wherever you can.
There's semen on this floor.
Stewie, look!
We gotta get in there!
Hey, got one more here!
Oh, where are we?
I'm from Atlanta.
I don't know
where we are!
Hey, you better hurry.
They're starting soon.
You know what's messed up?
This is all for charity.
All the proceeds
are going to Oxfam.
I hope we're not too late.
You should not
be out here.
Bidding is about to start.
What the hell?
Stewie!
The current bid is $200,000.
Oh, my God.
Going once, twice...
Sold for $200,000.
Remember:
There is cash back
when you use your Visa Gold.
Our next item appears to be
a late entry.
It is not in the catalog.
What the hell?
All right, fellas,
bring the lights up a bit,
play the CD I gave you
and let's do this!
("California Gurls"
by Katy Perry playing)
♪ California girls,
we're unforgettable ♪
Ah, that's right.
You like that?
I have $50,000.
♪ Daisy Dukes, bikinis on top ♪
I have $75,000.
♪ Sun-kissed skin so hot ♪
Thank you, Brett Ratner.
♪ We'll melt your popsicle... ♪
Do I have $100,000?
Oh, for God's sake.
$500,000.
We have $500,000.
Going once, going twice,
sold...
to the man
who doesn't quite get auctions.
That was so fun.
How do you
be paying?
Oh, I, uh, I don't
have any money.
Can we work it out,
uh, maybe, some...
other way?
Wait a minute.
Something doesn't
smell funny here.
You're not Arab!
You two are coming
with me.
This next girl is perfect
for those of you
who want to buy a sex slave
but don't want to spend
sex-slave money.
Oh, my God, Meg!
Wonder what music
they're gonna use for her?
("Let's Make A Deal"
zonk musical cue playing)
Huh, seems about right.
Damn it. We were so close
to saving Meg.
Hey, where's my sister?
She's probably having
her shish kabobbed as we speak.
I heard that from Samantha
in Sex and the City 2.
Ah-ba-ba-ba-ba,
I haven't seen it yet.
That doesn't hurt
the story.
And now prepare to...
We have a jail cell.
I always tell them,
"Put the prisoners
in the jail cell,"
but they always say,
"Just chain 'em up to a pipe."
Idiots.
Hey, that was some
good teamwork, Brian.
We were like Lewis and Clark
and the guy who likes
to tip over canoes.
Ugh, these rapids
are treacherous.
We should reach calmer waters
by nightfall.
Uh-oh!
Earthquake!
Hey, come on!
Careful!
Damn it. Why is he
still with us?
I know!
Until now, walking
to the other end
of the United States seemed
like such a good job.
There she is! Hurry!
Stewie, what are you doing?
We'll never catch
a speeding car on foot.
Haven't you ever seen
an action movie?
All we have to do
is cut diagonally
across any nearby field.
See?
Aw, crap, they're taking her
onto that yacht.
All right, we just gotta
catch up to the boat.
Well, how we
gonna do that?
Oh, cool!
They got Car Chase GPS.
Back up dangerously into traffic.
Proceed wrong way
down busy street for 500 meters.
Say "hang on"
and drive down staircase.
Hang on!
Poorly edited shot where driver
is obviously stuntperson.
Leave fart in closed car
like a dick.
Sorry about that!
All right, they're probably
holding her below deck.
You take the right side.
I'll take the left.
You're gonna need this.
What? I-I-I've never
killed anybody before.
Relax, they're Arabs.
People will still be rooting
for you.
Hey!
Son of a bitch.
Oh. This is like
a video game.
Ah, I'm kinda good at this.
Later, dink.
That's for shooting
one of our guys!
We got you!
In your face!
Our boat!
Our boat!
This boat!
Let me go,
you fat bastard!
I will never be
your sex slave!
You misunderstand.
I did not buy you
to be my slave.
I bought you for my son,
and not to be his slave,
but to be his wife.
Wife?
Faisal!
This is Faisal,
my son and the heir
to my throne.
My father was correct.
Your beauty
knows no bounds.
Fair goddess,
it is my hope
that you will agree
to be my wife,
but the choice is yours.
If you say "no,"
I will have you flown back
to your family
on our private jet.
But if you say "yes,"
I will spend
the rest of my days
making your every wish
come true.
Will you be my wife,
Princess Meg?
Oh, yes! Yes!
Nooooo!
Stewie?
Hi, Meg.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Oh honey, we are so glad
to have you back
but you really don't
remember anything?
Not really, Mom.
I mean, one minute,
I was being proposed to
by a handsome
Arabian prince,
and the next thing
I know,
I'm waking up
in a French hospital.
Oh, and we heard
from Ruth's parents.
She had her tongue ripped out.
I guess we got off easy, huh?
Well, we put
all your mail
on the desk in your room,
sweetheart.
Thanks, Dad.
I'm kidding.
You didn't get any mail.