Family Guy (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 19 - Mr. & Mrs. Stewie - full transcript

(SINGING) It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex an TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Come on, Stewie. Hurry up.
I want to get good seats.

Ugh! I hate going to hear authors
read from their work.



That Dr. Seuss reading was dreadful.

MAN: And when the drugs
stopped numbing the pain,

the sex became even more violent.

It doesn't rhyme.

MAN: The new stuff doesn't rhyme!

Hey, there.
You a big fan ofJonathan Franzen?

Oh, my God, I worship him.

Yeah. Yeah, of all my writing students,
he's probably done the best.

I'm sorry, everybody.

Mr. Franzen has informed us
he's not coming.

Like most real authors,
he's too good for this dumb town.

ALL: Aw!

MAN: I hate it here!

Well, this crowd was promised an author.



No!

Oh, well.

I guess I should be getting back
to my dorm anyway.

I've got a short story due
for my creative writing class tomorrow.

Oh, creative writing, huh?

Well, if you'd like me to look it over
before you turn it in,

I'd be happy to.

Really? (GIGGLES) That'd be great.

Cool, cool. I'll follow you in my car.

(WHISPERING) Come on. We're going.

All right, hold on. ls this what your parents
are paying all that tuition for?

So you can fuck dogs?

I'll print up for you what I have so far.

Okay, I'm gonna go in there with her.
You just sit out here and be quiet.

Here, watch one of her movies
or something.

Ugh! Charlie St. Cloud?

And why are there so many fingerprints
on this?

Who's handling their Charlie St. Cloud DVD
all the time?

(SHOUTING) Lois,
can I have a Pop-Tart in bed, please?

Lois?

- Hey, Chris?
- CHRIS: Yeah?

Do you think Lois would be okay
if I ate a Pop-Tart in bed?

- CHRIS: Probably.
- Probably, right?

Lois, you in the bathroom?

(GASPING)

Well, Mrs. Griffin,
you have three crushed ribs,

but I was able to stop the internal bleeding.

Doctor, this has happened seven times
in the last month.

Peter rolls over in his sleep
and almost kills me.

I see.

Well, that sucks.

Look, I don't do it on purpose!

Well, looks like you got a handle on it, then.

No, we don't.
He practically smothers me every night.

- Well, are you hogging the blankets?
- No!

"Probably hogging blankets."

And if he's not smothering me,

he's keeping me up all night
writing with that giant plume of his.

- (PLUME SCRATCHING)
- Dearest Augustine,

I do hope this latest damp has not
aggravated your gray lung.

Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip.

Matters stateside have taken a tragic turn
as this year's gourd crop has fallen prey

to a rather unexpected infestation
of salt-marsh cutworms.

Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip.

Peter, it's 4:00 in the morning.
Come to bed!

Marital concerns continue to bedevil me.

Look, I'm sorry.

I wasn't planning on
spending all night there.

Look, how about
if I take you to the park, huh?

Come on! You like the park, right?

We're about to pass the turnoffs.

Here it comes!

You may take me to the park.

Um, excuse me. I didn't bring any of
my toys. Can I play with some of yours?

No! Mine!

(BRITISH ACCENT) Are you all right?

I'm fine.

I didn't push him back
because he has leukemia.

My name's Penelope. What's yours?

Stewie.
I've never seen you around here before.

I'm new to town
and I don't have many friends.

(CHUCKLING) All right.

A lot of pressure on me instantly, but okay.

Would you like to play
with some of my toys, Stewie?

Well, what have you got?

I have a set of jacks, a paddleball
and this taffy with superglue.

Isn't that the little boy who pushed you?

Hmm.Yes.

You, there. Would you like a piece of candy?

(CHOKING)

Don't push.

Uh, Lois, why do we have
Lucy and Ricky beds?

Because I'm sick of you crushing me
in the middle of the night.

Dr. Hartman called about my x-rays.
He said my spine is now disfigured.

Lois, if God wanted me
to not sleep with my wife,

he would have made me John Travolta.

Peter, I'm really tired, okay?
Just give the bed a try.

There you go. Good night, Peter.

I can't sleep like this, Lois.
I need someone to cuddle with.

Believe it or not, men like to cuddle.

Even cold, unfeeling men
like Charles Bronson.

Hey, Charles Bronson's wife. Scooch over.
I want to cuddle.

Mmm! That's nice.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

All right, as soon as they answer,
you can go.

I don't want Penelope to think
I need an escort to a playdate.

Oh, you got yourselfa little girlfriend, huh?

She's not my girlfriend.

Unlike you, I don't view every female I meet
as some kind of pork holster.

Stewart, darling. Hello.

What? That's how they do it in Europe.

Now, get out of here!

Go sit in the car and agree with yourself
while you listen to NPR.

I don't know what the big deal is.
I stopped for one drink after work.

Yes, but it's every night.

There! Now you can be upset about that.

This is fun.
I like playing with you, Penelope.

- What shall we play next?
- Well, let's see what you have.

You have a pop-up version of
The Unabamber's Manifesto?

Yes. At the end
the brother pops up and turns you in.

What's this on your Etch A Sketch?

Oh, those are some
advanced mathematical formulas

I've just been tinkering with.

You're kidding! I do that, too!

But what are these formulas for?

- For these.
- (BEEPS)

(WHIRRING)

(GASPS) Oh, my God!
You've got a weapons room, too?

And look at the size of it. It's amazing!

Yes, although sometimes
I think it's too big.

It takes the cleaning woman
forever to clean it.

Was already broken.

My word, Penelope,

you and I seem to have
quite a lot in common.

Do you actually use these?

Only when fear, spite, jealousy
and revenge demand.

I bought that to kill
the women from Sex and the City,

but time seems to be doing it for me.

(GASPS) You're wicked.

Do your parents have any idea?

My mother's not a concern.

I don't really have to worry
about her anymore.

Oh, do you have one of those
white-wine zombie moms?

No, she died.

She was taking a tub and
somebody came in and cut her head off.

Wait a moment. Did...

Did you kill her?

Well, I held the knife.

And her hair.

Oh, my God!

I've been dreaming about doing that
for years,

and you've actually gone ahead
and done it!

Penelope,
I've never said this to anyone before,

but I feel like I may have finally found,
in you,

my one true soul mate.

- Do you feel this way, too?
- I do, Stewart.

It's as if our meeting were more
than a mere coincidence.

It's as if we were meant to be together.

Indeed.

This must be how Maverick felt
when he met Goose.

I feel the need.

- The need for speed!
- The need for speed!

- And Scientology.
- No, just speed.

So, listen, Quagmire,

there's something
I kind of wanted to talk to you about.

Ever since Lois got us twin beds,
I can't fall asleep.

I'm used to having another person there.

I know. I always sleep better
when l'm next to someone.

Yeah, it's only natural, right?
I'm glad to hear you say that,

'cause, you know,
I guess what I'm trying to say is,

I want to propose an arrangement
that could benefit the both of us.

Okay.

Men need someone to spoon with
and snuggle with

just the same as women.

And when you don't have that, it's...

I... Well, what l'm getting at is,

I would like for you
to sleep with me in my bed.

And this is not about sex, it's about sleep.

No, no, I totally get it, Peter.
Snuggling is a basic human need.

Right, I mean, who says
that the body next to you

has to be male or female
or, you know, whatever?

- Or alive.
- Yeah!

Well, no, but, yeah.

Look, I think it's a great idea,
and I'm completely with you.

I'm in. Let's try it.

Yay! That is such good news!

And I'm so happy they gave us a booth.

I know,
'cause they're supposed to be reserved

for parties of three or more.

I know!

Oh, Stewie, it's so nice

to finally have someone
to do naughty things with.

Definitely.

All right, I made a wallet bomb
and I planted it on Mort.

As soon as he opens it, boom!

(DOOR OPENING)

(BOTH GIGGLING MISCHIEVOUSLY)

Oh, bloody hell. How do you go two weeks
without opening your wallet?

Yeah, he's been out to dinner,
like, four times.

We're clearly not going to get him this way.

I know,

which is why I just planted another bomb

that's set to go off
every time he burps into his hand.

(GROANING)

I'd better make sure my wallet's okay.

I say, we're on quite a run.

We blew up the Great Wall of China,
bombed the Eiffel Tower,

and look at this note I sent off.

"Dear Pakistan, up yours. Love, India."

Let's see what happens.

(COMPUTER BEEPING)

They did not need much.

All right, Stewie, your turn.

Okay, I have to destroy Copenhagen with a

tidal wave,

and the theme is

the Roaring Twenties.

That's... That's a challenge.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(LIVELY '20s-ERA MUSIC PLAYING)

Roarin' twenten tidal waven!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Peter, what's going on?

Quagmire's having a sleepover with me.

- You can't be serious.
- Look, Lois,

I told you that I need to have
somebody sleeping next to me, all right?

Now if that's not going to be you...

Fine! Do what you want. I don't care.

But I think it's very strange.

- Okay, that's the one thing it's not.
- Yeah, it's not strange.

I already told you, I don't care.

- It's not strange.
- I know.

All right, let's see here.
Now, just, uh, wrap yourselfaround me.

Is that okay?

Yeah, actually,
you can hold me even tighter.

Okay, I just need to put this arm

(STRAINING) right around here.

Yeah, there we go.

(EXHALES) Good.
Now let's just fall asleep like this.

Your boxers are a little starchy.
Can I take 'em off with my foot?

Sure.

Come on, you.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story, authorities are
still searching for the culprits

in a series of horrific acts of destruction
all across...

Scroll dawn, guys.

...the globe.

That could've fit an there.

There was a long space
at the end of that line.

My God, it's you, isn't it?

It's you and Penelope

who've been doing
all these horrible things!

So?
I've always been about world domination.

What the hell did you think
I was talking about

when I said, "Victory shall be mine"?

You have not said that in a very long time.

Well, I'm back on it.

Stewie,
Penelope is taking you down a dark path.

Look, in the past
you've done terrible things,

but it's always been about the pursuit
of your greater goal of world domination.

But this girl, she just creates chaos
for the sake of chaos.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying, she's a bad influence on you,

and you should
stop spending time with her.

I shall do no such thing!

Penelope is wonderful.
We're going to be together forever.

Well, Rupert, this is a big mess.

What the hell were you doing
talking to him?

You know who I think is an ugly slut?

Miss Sharon.

- Miss Sharon from your daycare?
- Yes.

This is a map of her house.

I thought we could burn her in her bed
while her children watch.

You know, Penelope,

maybe we don't have to kill someone
every day.

There are other things to do.

- Like what?
- I don't know...

You know what? Forget it.

I think Brian just got in my head a bit.
That's all.

Brian? Why? What did Brian say?

Oh, nothing.
He just thinks you're a bad influence on me.

- (LAUGHS) Thinks I should stop seeing you.
- He does?

How dare he?

Babe? Babe? Don't worry about it, all right?

Stewart, do you love me?

More than anything!

Then swear on that love
that you'll do what I ask.

Just name it.

Kill him.

Kill Brian for me.

(EERIE ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE ANNOUNCER: "Family Guy" is brought to you
by AXE Body Spray.

AXE Body Spray.

Spray it an after gym class
instead of getting beat up in the shower.

Kind of weird
those guys want to fight you naked, huh?

AXE Body Spray.

Oh, God, I can't kill Brian.
Even for Penelope.

He's my dog, my friend.

Well, I wonder what words
are gonna come out of this pen today.

All right, I can do this.

(TWANGING)

(THUDDING)

Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do this.

(SNEEZES)

(ROMANTIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) You're looking kind of lonely, girl

Would you like someone new to talk to?

Oh, yeah
All right

I'm feeling kind of lonely, too

If you don't mind
Can I sit down here beside you?

Oh, yeah
All right

If I seem to come an too strong

I hope that you will understand

I say these things 'cause I'd like to know
If you're as lonely as I am

And if you'd mind

Sharing the night together

Whoa, oh
Yeah

Sharing the night together

Whoa, oh
Yeah...

I don't care how many children
you've lost in childbirth.

You're fired!

But I was only having a child
because you and the mister...

You don't get to speak
of me and the mister!

Oh, Stewie. So, did you do it?

Have you removed that wretched cur
from our existence?

I just couldn't bring myself
to kill him, Penelope.

Brian is my best friend.

Perhaps you're right.

Perhaps it was wrong of me
to ask you to do such a thing.

Oh, thank you.

I'm so glad
you're being so understanding about this.

I was actually dreading
having to tell you about this. (CHUCKLES)

(IMITATES SHUDDERING)

- It appears I'll have to kill him myself.
- What?

I knew you were too weak to do this.
You're nothing but a coward.

No, Penelope, wait!

(GROANS) Strong women
always turn out to be nightmares.

Like Joan of Arc.

Hey, guys, I'm not like other girls.

I kill people and burp
and watch so much porn.

- Isn't that cool?
- No.

I like a lot of goofball comedies
that other chicks don't like.

My favorite thing to play is Call of Duty.

Look me up. I'm GuitarGurrrl76.

Let's burn this chick at the stake.

I love steak! Other girls don't.

I'm actually more like a dude.

Hey, guys, don't come in my room.
I might be rubbin' one in.

Peter, this is ridiculous.
It's time for you to come home.

I live here now, Lois.

Look, I'm sorry that I ever got us separate...

Is that a bracelet you're wearing?

It's a giggity band, Lois.
You wouldn't understand.

Look, Peter, if you come home now,
we can get our old bed back

and you can snuggle with me
as much as you want.

Well...

- You promise?
- I promise.

'Cause, you know,
I missed cuddling with you, too.

- You did?
- I sure did.

Well, then...

Hey, what do you say we go home, huh?

Sounds good to me.

(GASPING)

- Oh, Brian, there you are! Thank God!
- Oh, hey, Stewie.

Did you make that coffee?

Uh, no, it was here when I came in.
I assume Lois made it.

Don't drink that!

Hey! That mug was my crew gift
from Class Holes!

Did you take a bite out of this donut?

Yeah, it was from a box on the counter.
So what?

- How long ago?
- I don't know, five minutes?

There's still time!

(CHOKING)

(CHOKING)

God, Stewie, are you out of your mind?

Trust me,
I'm only doing what's best for you.

Well, I do feel pretty thin and wonderful.

And I still got to eat the donut.

- Why isn't everybody doing this?
- They are.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- I've got a package here for Brian Griffin.
- Oh, that's me.

Brian, no! (GRUNTS)

Stewie, what the hell is going on?

(CRYING) I'm so sorry, Brian.

Penelope told me I had to kill you
because you said we should break up,

but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

So then she said
she was gonna kill you, and...

This... This is not for you.

That was weird. What was he doing?

Anyway, Penelope's trying to kill you!

I told you she was bad news.

Look, let's just get you someplace safe.

Dude! Get out of here!

Stewie, step aside.

Penelope, I can't let you do this.

Stewie, she's one year old.
I think I can handle this myself.

(EXCLAIMING)

All right, Stewie, tag in.

(IN SLOW-MOTION VOICE)
Slow-motion diving at you!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(ACTIVATING WEAPON)
(PENELOPE FIRING)

Ah!

Anti-gravity gun!
This is beyond my technology.

Perhaps if I detonate
an electromagnetic pulse,

it will disable it.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GUN FIRING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

Stay away from my dog.

Very well, Stewie, I shall.

- But just one thing.
- What?

(STEWIE EXCLAIMS)

That was

beautiful.

I'm gonna tell my friends I banged her.

Hey. Thanks for saving my life.

Well, it was the least I could do.

Obviously, it turns out
you were right about Penelope.

- You okay?
- I will be.

I will be, babe.

Oh, hey, Meg. What have you been up to?