Family Guy (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 21 - Tea Peter - full transcript

(SINGING) It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex an TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Wow, congratulations
on your grand re-opening, Mort.

Looks like your customers
are coming back.



Thanks, Lois.
It's good to be up and gouging again.

Careful. Watch out there, Brian.
Looks like the floor is wet.

Excuse me. I'm kind of in a hurry.

(SCREAMS)

Son of a bitch!

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

(GROANS) I'm sorry.
I've been a little distracted lately.

I think my wife has been crossing
the street with another man.

God, I hope Alan doesn't find out.

Hey, forget that klutz.

Hmm. Maybe this one.

Hey. Looking at you pretty normal, huh?

No!

Ah, fudge. Wait, I know!



I'll figure this out. The pieces are all there.
I'll go home and figure this out.

Ah, cool. Hey, Mort, what's this thing?

Oh, that? That's my
"Come in, we're open" sign.

What's that, like an iPad?

- No, it's a sign.
- Wish I had one of those.

I've got a whole box of them.
Take it. lt's yours. No charge.

Typical Jew.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: Coming this fall,
from the producers of "Gone Baby Gone,"

comes the riveting sequel,
"Gone Severely Disabled Baby Gone."

I promise you,
we are going to find your daughter.

Okay, but, you know, do what you can,
but seriously, don't, like, kill yourself.

Oh, and if you do find her,
honk this horn a couple times.

It's the only way to get her
to stop biting you.

But again, no rush.

(HAMMERING)

Peter, what are you doing?

I'm just putting up my new sign.

Don't put that thing on our door.

If you want to hang it somewhere,
hang it in the basement.

Oh, why? So you can hog it
while you're doing laundry?

- No way.
- Peter, we're not a business.

- Hey, I saw your sign. So, you're open?
- That's right.

- What do you do?
- What do you need?

- Milk.
- We have milk.

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Peter, I told you, I don't like all these
strangers walking around in our house.

They're not strangers, Lois.
They are our valued customers.

And if we don't show them
we appreciate their loyalty,

- they're gonna go someplace else.
- For what?

Not to alarm anyone, but some guy
took me in the closet and tried me on.

She's right, Dad.
None of this makes any sense.

Meg, go take your 10. And you may
consider this a verbal warning.

Peter, I want these people to leave.

I fit, by the way.

Lois, I'd love nothing more
than to sit here and chat with you,

but I have a business to run.

Hi, there. May I help you folks?

Yes, my family and I
would like our portrait painted.

Well, you came to the right place.

Looking good. Almost done.

And there. Done.

- (WOMEN GASP)
- What have you done?

I painted the truth.

I painted my truth.

Give me a spin, sweetie.

What do you think, Mom? Is that
the most beautiful bride you've ever seen?

I love it!

Oh, it's just so much money.

It's true. lt's true.

Take the dress off, sweetheart.
Your mother says you can't have it.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Do you really love it?

I do. It just feels like my wedding dress.

Oh, Mom, she loves it.

Okay. We'll take it.

Peter, what is that girl
doing in my wedding dress?

- PETER: She gone?
- No.

Okay, well, while l'm down here,
let me give you my card.

There you go.

There you go. A half pound
of honey maple turkey, sliced thin.

- I wanted a duplicate key made.
- You have a good one.

Oh, hey, Joe. What's going on?

Peter, I'm afraid I'm here to shut you down.

You're running an unlicensed business,
and that's against the law.

Oh, that is such bullcrap.

Well, you can't fight City Hall.

Oh, we'll see about that!

City Hall knows karate.

I'm sorry, Peter,
but the government makes the rules.

I just enforce them.

I don't believe this, Joe.
This is like living in Russia.

I might as well just move there.

You don't want to do that.

It's dark, it's cold,
and hooking up is just a crapshoot

'cause of all the big coats.

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT)
All right, drop the coats on three.

One, two, three!

- Yeah!
- Oh...

Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate
to young pictures of your mom?

Who the fuck starts a conversation
like that? I just sat down.

Geez, what's your problem, Peter?

I'm sorry, Quagmire.

I'm still just upset
about the damn government

sticking its nose in my business.

I hear you. Wasting our tax dollars
on ridiculous causes.

We gotta protect bald eagles?

Bald eagles should be allowed
to make their own decisions!

Honey, I don't care that you're bald.
I find you just as attractive.

It's not about you. lt's about
my confidence as an eagle architect.

ANNOUNCER: Just for Eagles will give you
thicker, fuller, more natural hair

so you can just focus an eagle stuff

You're an excellent architect.

Freakin' government.
Giving all the good hoses to firemen.

I want them hoses.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

And I'm Joyce Kinney.

Coming up, autism.
Is it real or just another excuse

for kids these days
to forget their manners?

But first, thousands are expected
for tomorrow's Tea Party rally

celebrating their new
Quahog headquarters.

That's right, Joyce.
The Tea Party has gained a sizable following

based on their message of low taxes,
limited government,

and happy birthday, Tom...
Oh, my God, you guys!

Tea Party, huh?
Well, l'd like to be part ofa movement,

but what movement would want
an angry fat guy with a lot of opinions

who hates listening?

For more details on the Tea Party platform,

we now go to this totally boss
fireworks show.

(BAND PLAYING LIVELY MUSIC)

Oh, my God! That's everything I believe in!

Why are they trying
to take that away from us?

I hear you.

Well, that's it.
I am going down to that rally tomorrow

and I am joining the Tea Party!

Oh, wait, that's the same time
as my men's knitting club,

although they have been
really critical lately.

You're still not knitting honestly, Peter.

You're knitting like you want us to like you.
It's not coming from inside.

It's very superficial.

Thank you!
You've made my decision easier!

Yes! That! Knit that!

Good Tea Party morning, everyone!

- Peter, you joined the Tea Party?
- That's right, Brian.

I finally got something better to do
with my Saturdays than sit at the mall

and watch Japanese girls
laugh at normal conversation.

So, I drove to work this morning...

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

...and I had to stop for coffee.

So, there's a Starbucks near my house...

You people are a circus.

Finally, I'm part of a movement
of regular people

trying to take back our government.

Look, the Tea Party isn't the grassroots
movement you think it is.

It's actually funded by big business types

who are using you to get the government
out of their way

so they can roll over everyone.

Mom held hands with a woman
at the gas station this morning.

Don't know what that means.
Just reporting it.

All l'm saying is you're being used,
and you're too clueless to know it.

Well, you just think
you're so superior, don't you?

Like that first creature to walk on dry land.

- Hey, where'd you go?
- I went for a jog.

What's a jog?

It's a great way to stay in shape,
is what it is.

- Is it like a swim?
- (LAUGHS) No, no, it's nothing like a swim.

Wow, a lot of people here today.

Yeah. Man, I love street fairs.

They got rides, games, and ethnic food
cooked horribly by white Americans.

Tacos! Hot tacos here!

- Oh, are those tacos?
- You better believe they're tacos.

I love tacos! Especially on a corn tortilla.

Aah! I love tacos on a corn tortilla!

(ALL CLAMORING)

Boy, they're really against socialism.

That's right.
The Tea Party is all about self-reliance.

Look, there's even a Tunnel of Self-Love.

Would you like to buy a photo
of yourself on the ride, sir?

No, I would not.

Welcome, everyone!

It's great to see so many
regular people out here.

Folks who are tired of big government
and are ready to stand up for their rights.

MAN 1: Yeah!
MAN 2: Down with the Spend-o-crats!

PETER: We are Marshall!

And now, it's my privilege to introduce
another regular, blue-collar guy,

our Quahog chapter spokesman,
Joe Workingman!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Good afternoon,
friends and socioeconomic equals!

Is anyone else out there
sick of government crap?

Oh, my God. lt's like he's saying
everything I'm listening to.

That's right. The government wants
to tell you what foods to eat.

(ALL BOOING)

And what church you can go to.

(ALL BOOING)

And that you can't own a chimpanzee
because you're not responsible enough.

(ALL BOOING)

I would feed it!

Also, the government wants to tell you
how many children you can have.

What? No!

And the government wants to tell you
you can't throw your old TVs into the river.

Then how I supposed to find TV?

If you join the Tea Party,
together, we can fix all that.

But you probably
don't wanna join the Tea Party

because all you get are these stupid,
awesome key chains!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Oh, my God,
it's the keychain from the dream!

I gotta say that guy made a lot of sense.

He sure did. The governmenfs
really gotten out of hand.

Yeah, those bastards
have ruined everything.

The same way the Village People

ruined any gathering ofa cop,
an Indian chief and a construction worker.

Oh, my God,
can we get a picture with you guys?

We're not those guys.

Yes, please leave us alone.
We're very busy.

Now, where were we? Oh, yeah.

We've gotta solve that security problem
for the Indian casino we're constructing.

Hey, you guys want to head to the Clam?

I'll catch up with you. I got to hit the john.

Hey, buddy, is there a bathroom
around here, or a second floor window?

- (GASPS) Carter?
- Oh, hey.

You're involved with the Tea Party?

Wait a minute.
This is what Brian was warning me about,

that the Tea Party is run by rich guys
who are only out for themselves.

Brian? You mean that arrogant,
unemployed dog of yours?

Peter, he's just one of those liberal elites
who spreads lies and hates patriots.

Yeah, he kind of is.

You and I are both businessmen
who work hard and pay taxes.

Except that I make 10,000 times
what you make.

Yeah, we're the same, you and me.

You know, Peter, the truth is,
I could actually use a regular guy like you

to help get our message out,

and I know Joe Workingman
agrees with me.

Love to have you on board, Peter.

Wow, thanks, Joe. You can count on me.

Oh, Carter,
you just missed Joe Workingman.

(LAUGHS) Oh, I think he'll know I was here.

- (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
- (LAUGHING POLITELY)

I'm not sure what's happening.

Oh, hi, Peter. How was your rally?

It was great, and now I know
it's the right cause to get behind

'cause a smart guy like your dad
is involved.

What? Carter was at the Tea Party rally?

Yeah, he was running the whole thing.

Peter, what did I tell you about rich guys?

Look, I know what you're thinking, Brian,
but don't worry, it's all okay.

Turns out you're the enemy.
They're the ones who are on our side.

Oh, of course, Carter Pewterschmidt, an
industrialist with oil refineries in this city,

is on your side.

He wants to get rid
of environmental regulations for you.

Brian, he doesn't get sarcasm.

No, it's notjust
environmental regulations, Brian.

Carter wants to get rid
of the whole city government of Quahog.

He even put me in charge
of the PR campaign to do it.

Get rid of the government?

Peter, if I know my dad,
he's probably using you.

Lois, I'm so glad you're done
with the dishes

so that you can hang out
and chime in on this.

Actually, Peter, I haven't done the dishes.

Oh, you haven't?

- Well, then, I'm confused.
- Oh, he does get sarcasm.

All right, now, remember,
the Tea Party is a grassroots movement.

We're not covered
by the lame-stream media,

so we got to reach out
to the common man individually.

Right, common man.

(DIALING)

- WOMAN: Hello?
- Oh, geez, it's a girl.

May I speak to the man of the house?

WOMAN: This is the woman of the house,
and there is no man living here.

No? What is... I...
How are you paying for this phone?

WOMAN:
(SCOFFS) I'm a lawyer.

Oh, I see, and are you in your little
courthouse right now, representing Barbie?

(LINE DISCONNECTS)

Okay, one vote for the Tea Party.

All right, kiss government goodbye.

Yeah, I can't wait to fire
all them city employees,

starting with that half-asleep
construction worker.

What the hell? Which one is it?
Stop or go forward?

This is a big deal. They're not at all similar.

Ah, no, no, no, no.
You, sir, have lost my business.

(CROWD CLAMORING)

People, please, first things first.

Is there anyone here
for the couch off of Craigslist?

- I am.
- Oh, good, come on in.

- That is the picture from Craigslist.
- No way it is.

- It is.
- No way it is.

All right, what do the rest of you want?

We want the city government shut down.

(CHEERING)

Oh, I see. And all of you feel the same way?

ALL: Yes!
MAN: No!

- (GUNSHOT)
- ALL: Yes!

Well, I'm nothing if not a public servant,
and the public has made its feelings known.

I hereby declare Quahog's city
government disbanded.

(ALL CHEERING)

It has been my pleasure to serve you,
and now I take my leave.

This column is mine.
I brought it from home.

Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story, Quahog is now
completely government-free,

which means I'm free
of all broadcast regulations.

So no more trips to the bathroom
for this reporter,

just a big-ass coffee can under the desk.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Hello, family.

Peter, what the hell
were you doing out there?

You know, for years l've been
sick of taking the roads home,

so today I took the yards.
Didn't hit one light.

Man, getting rid of the government

has been the best thing
to happen around here in a long time.

That's right. Without government,
I'm free to take a lot of mescaline

and drive to Vegas.

Wait till you see Debbie Reynolds on stage.

Yeah, and now my Spanish teacher
and I can finally hold hands in the halls.

Meg, dónde esta la biblioteca?

Because I'm going to bang you
in the bibliateca.

Well, I'm glad you're all enjoying
your freedom,

but have you taken a look
out the window lately?

- What is that?
- Where's all that smoke coming from?

The Pewterschmidt Industries refinery,
and it's not smoke.

It's a giant cloud of pollution.

Oh, my God. If that gets past
the bad neighborhoods and reaches us,

that's going to be a big problem.

They can't do that. We should report them.

To who? There's no government.

Then it's up to us, the people,
to find a solution.

Close the curtains.

(SIGHS) Tea Party.

Damn it, this is what I was afraid
was going to happen.

This town is going to go to hell.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.

I'm glad we waited.

(GRUNTING)

Giraffity.

Yeah, see, that's not mine.

Hey, Mort, what gives with the blond hair?

Yeah, you look weird like that.

Historically, in instances
of mass lawlessness,

the first thing they do is round up the Jews.

Excuse me, fellow Aryan,
have you seen any Jews around?

Is there a reward?

Wait a minute. Are you Jewish?

I mean, unashamed locker room nudity?

This guy's kosher.

- Oops.
- Let's get him!

Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.

It's day five of the new government-less
Quahog, and I'm wearing a T-shirt.

Tom, I don't think the government
was requiring you to wear a suit.

Well, they were stopping me
from punching you in the face.

Is that what you want?

No, you know what? You know what?
Give me your wallet.

- What?
- You heard me.

I said, "Give me your wallet."

This is a crappy wallet. You have bad stuff.

What the hell? Lois, the TV went off again.

It's the electricity, Peter.

There are power lines down,
and there's no one to fix them.

The cops don't come,
the toilets don't flush,

and there's garbage piling up in the streets.

Ryan Phillippe's been out there for days.

Would anyone like to be impregnated?

We had a nice town, Peter.

I had a nice life, but you and your
anti-government buddies ruined it.

Hey, so how's that Tea Party going, huh?

More like T.P. Party.

Toilet paper.

I don't know what happened, Brian.

Not having a government
worked great in Somalia,

but somehow we seem
to have botched it all up.

- Looks that way.
- Wait a minute.

- There might be a way out of this.
- What?

We just talk to the guy who got us into this.

He'll know what to do.

Mr. Pewterschmidt. Mr. Pewterschmidt!

CARTER ON INTERCOM: Go away.

But, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
you gotta do something.

The potholes ain't getting fixed no more.

The stoplights ain't working.

Tampon commercials no longer use
blue liquids in their demonstrations.

(ALL GROAN)

Make it blue. That's always been the deal!

You show whatever you want,
but you make it blue!

Come on. You got to help us out.

CARTER: Go to hell.

I don't think he's going to help, Peter.

But if rich people
aren't looking out for us, who is?

Well, maybe we need to look out
for each other.

Come on, Brian.
It's time to make this right.

CARTER: Wait, before you go,
take two steps to the left.

Look up. Okay, smile.

Aw, I suck.

- (WOMAN SCREAMS)
- (PEOPLE CLAMORING)

People of Quahog, I have something to say.

Now that we've freed ourselves
from the terrible shackles of government,

it's time to replace it
with something better.

(ALL GRUMBLING)

The first thing we need is a system of rules
that everyone must live by.

Gotta have rules.

And since we can't spend
all our time making rules,

I think that we should elect some people
to represent us,

and they should make rules
and choices on our behalf.

(INDISTINCT)

Now, this may be kind of expensive,
so I got a plan.

Everyone should have to give some money
from their salaries each year.

Poor people will give a little bit of money,

and rich people will give
a larger amount of money,

and our representatives
will use all that money

to hire some people who will then provide
us with social order and basic services.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Ugh. There's not one shirt
I wish I had out there.

Now, it won't be perfect.

Some of our representatives
may end up being bastards.

But you know what?

That's okay, 'cause later
we're going to have more elections,

and we can use those elections
to get rid of the bad guys

and replace them with good guys,

and then the system will just keep
going on and on, just like that.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

So who's with me?

Will you join me
in trying this new crazy thing?

(CHEERING)

Then let's do it.

(CHEERING LOUDLY)

Yeah, and we did it all
without government.

I'm very proud of you, Peter.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, Lois,
that means nothing to me.

I only care what they say
on the Internet message boards.

Aw!