Fam (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - It's Been a While - full transcript

- Hey, babe.
- Hmm?

Coming to bed soon?

As soon as I'm done making
Shannon's lunch for tomorrow.

It's kind of like we're parents, huh?

- Sending our kid off to school for the first time.
- Mm.

Yeah, but instead of a cute
little kid with pigtails,

it's your 16-year-old terrifying
sister with a Hello Kitty bong.

Which I threw away.

Look at us. Making lunches,

confiscating drug paraphernalia.

We are nailing parenting.



Yeah, we are.

All right, catch you fools later.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where are you going?

Meeting some friends at a club.

And before you get all concerned,

yes, I have my fake ID.

Shannon, it's 10:30,

and tomorrow is your
first day at a new school.

10:30? Good point. Club'll be empty.

I'll leave in an hour.

You're not going anywhere.

School starts earlier than
you're used to getting up.

Yes. It's a time called...



morning.

The sun is out. The air is crisp.

Birds are tweeting.

Birds can't tweet.

Sorry, you're staying in.

But I don't even want to
go to this stupid school.

Okay, first of all,

Theodore Roosevelt High
School is not stupid.

They have some of the
finest teachers in the city.

You know what they
say about teachers, right?

Okay. Those who can't...

I'm a teacher.

Let me finish my sentence.

Those who can't do anything else...

teach.

Uh, Shannon,

you may not be into the ancient
Greeks or anything pre-Snapchat...

...but Aristotle said,
"The roots of education

are bitter, but the..."

Shannon, what are you doing?

I'm sending a snap of this to Janelle.

She's been having trouble
falling asleep recently.

I thought this might help.

Why do I even try?

I don't know.

All right, I'm going in my room.

Oh, has anybody seen a
little Hello Kitty, uh...

statue that I left out?

A statue, huh?

- Hmm.
- Didn't know you were into those.

What does it look like?

Well, it's got a couple,
um, statue holes and...

it's got some weed in it.

I threw your bong away, Shannon.

And you let him, Clem? You used to
smoke all the time when you were my age.

Yes, but I'm older now,

and I'm telling you to do the opposite.

Which is the funnest part of growing up.

Right about now,
I could use that Hello Kitty statue.

Hey, Nick, do you think
Shannon's gonna be okay

- at her new school?
- I'll tell you what I think.

I think all we ever talk
about now is Shannon.

Oh, God, you're right.

We're like those annoying parents

who can't stop talking about
how great their kids are.

Except we're not parents
and our kid sucks.

You know what makes us different
than those parents? We're young,

we're hot,

and we do it all the time.

Mmm...

Do we do it all the time?

We did do it all the time...

till Shannon moved in.

Maybe that's why we've been at
each other's throats lately.

Have we?

Yeah, like the other day,
you got mad at me

when I accidentally broke the blender.

Who puts frozen mango in
a blender with no water?

That's how you make a mango shake!

Look at us. We're doing it again.

Yeah, 'cause, again, we're not doing it.

It's hard having Shannon in our space.

But tomorrow, once school starts,

we're gonna get a lot of
structure back into our lives,

and maybe we can...

get back into our routine.

Wait, you think our sex is routine?

I mean, maybe steps one through four,

but, I mean, come on, five through 11?

How about we cut to step nine right now?

Ooh. It is on.

And it's gonna be the
opposite of routine.

But don't worry, Daddy's still
gonna throw in the greatest hits

and give Mama what she wants.

Hey, guys.

- Oh! Uh...
- Oh.

Get a room.

We're in our room.

Don't you knock?

I try not to.

My knuckles are a little sensy.

Anyway, we got any apples?

Do you need an apple so that
you can make a pipe out of it?

No!

I need an apple
'cause you threw away my bong.

Hey, Shannon...

get out.

- Oh, I'll just use a potato.
- Shannon...

Why haven't we put a lock on this door?

'Cause we've never had a Shannon before.

You know what?

Tomorrow morning Shannon
has to leave at 7:30.

We don't have to leave until 8:00.

That gives us a full 30-minute
window of opportunity.

Mmm...

I like what you're suggesting.

A good old-fashioned...

smash-and-dash.

_

Okay, I just saw Shannon.

She's dressed for
school and ready to go.

Any second now,
she'll be walking out of that room,

and we will be walking into ours.

Great. I got her lunch, packed her bag,
and manscaped all my business.

Okay, let's separate those thoughts,

- but you know what I'm saying.
- Mm-hmm.

Shannon?

Shannon!

She fell back asleep.

Brushing her teeth. Standing up.

You've got to see this.

- _
- Shannon, what is going on?

I'll tell you what's going on...
She's eating up half our time.

You know what that means.

No back tickles?

No back tickles.

Oh, Shannon, I swear to God...

Should I wear the flannel?

I'm not so sure about the flannel.

- You're wearing the flannel.
- Yes, yes.

Okay, what about breakfast?

- What about it?
- You told me not to leave without eating it.

Since when do you listen to us?
Don't listen to us.

Oh, man, I got OJ on my shirt.

- Orange goes with gray.
- Mm-hmm.

It's like tie-dye.

It brings the whole outfit together.

The whole thing together.

_

If she leaves in 30 seconds, one of us

can still have a positive experience.

What? I'm just trying to
salvage something here.

Shannon!

All right, I am good to go.

Now I just need shoes.

Oh, now she needs shoes.
Okay, well, other people

in this house have needs, too.

Now I'm late for work!
Just... "I need shoes."

You know, there's plenty
of shoes around this house.

I've bought many shoes.
There's just pairs all in the closet.

Now you can't find a pair.
This is crazy!

That dude needs to get laid.

Hey, hey, now,
this is what I like to see.

First day of school and already
digging into the homework.

You bet I am!

See, I thought that I
wasn't gonna like school,

but it turns out I really hate it.

What you got there?

Ooh, The Great Gatsby.

You know, I discover something
new every time I read this book.

Yeah, our homework assignment
was to read the first chapter,

and I just have, like,
one question about it.

- Yeah, hit me.
- What exactly happens in the first chapter?

So, Rose, you're picturing our
whole wedding on the beach?

She's not only picturing it,

she's been going up and down Long
Island looking at sand samples.

And the best part is,

when the string quartet starts to play,

Nick and his groomsmen will
come galloping in on horses.

Whoa, Ma, don't you think you're
getting a little carried away?

I mean, horses?

Oh, you don't know
what "carried away" is.

My mother took over every
detail of my wedding.

I didn't have a say in anything.

Hmm. I wonder what that's like.

Oh, God, I'm sorry. That was rude.

I've just been a little on edge lately.

Gentlemen, would you let us ladies
have a moment alone, please?

Of course, sweetheart. Come on, Nick.

Hey, Dad, uh...

you can talk her
out of the horses, right?

That's cute, son.

So, what's going on, baby?

Tell Mama Rose all about it.

Look, it's hard.

The day after we got engaged,
Shannon moved in,

and it's put a little bit of
stress on our relationship.

I get it.

Not long after Walt and I were married,

I found the cutest little
stray cat and brought her home.

Well, let me tell you,

that cat got a lot of "D."

You know what I mean.

I really hope I don't.

Diarrhea.

Oh, thank God.

But we got through it, together,

and our relationship
was stronger for it.

So, what are you trying to say?

Shannon is your diarrhea cat.

Ah...

Look, I know having anyone new
living in your house is a challenge.

Shannon's a great kid, but she...

Dresses like a homeless pirate?

No. I mean, well, yes,
yes, she does, but...

It's just she... she's always around.

I understand, son.

Figured you would, Dad.

- You're not getting any.
- Oh!

I... don't really want to
have that conversation.

I mean, you got a teenager living there,

and you got some thin walls.

Please, can we stop?

I mean, it's fine when they're babies...

They don't know what the hell's
going on in the other room.

They probably think you're
fighting a bear or something.

Please make it stop.

You know, when you were 16,
I was starring on Broadway

as the Wizard in Wicked.

Remember?

The Times called my performance
"a haunting tour de force."

I don't think they said that, Dad.

It was in the subtext. Anyway...

your mother used to sneak
away from work at lunch

and meet me in my dressing room.

- You want to know why?
- No, I don't.

- For a nooner.
- Oh! Okay.

All right, all right.

Conversation over. The subtext is...

Hey, Clem.

Am I about to be murdered?

Nope. Just trying
to keep out the diarrhea cat.

- Excuse me?
- We can't just let

some teenager ruin our sex life.

I say we do it right now
and just get it over with.

Get it over with?

Yep.

Just plow right through.

Okay.

I mean, it's been a while.

I was hoping for a little more romance,
but, you know, beggars.

- Do you hear that?
- Not if you didn't.

Guys! I'm knocking like you said,

even though it's hurting
my sensy knuckles.

- May we help you?
- Yep.

The school gave me this form
that needs your signature.

Don't read it, just sign,
and I'll be on my merry way.

"Disciplinary notice.

Shannon Barnes fell
asleep in history..."

You fell asleep in history?

"...English and math."

- You fell asleep in three classes?
- Hey.

It doesn't mention that
I stayed awake in bio.

That's the real triumph here.

Yes, congratulations for staying awake

in one out of the five hours
that you were in class today.

Hey, that's like 50%.

No, it's not, and you would know that

if you stayed awake in math.

Well, great job on your first day,
Shannon.

What do you have planned for day two?

Vape in the girls' bathroom?

Trash the teachers' lounge?

Why the hell am I giving you ideas?

It wasn't that bad.

Dude, I stayed in school all day.
I'm trying, okay?

For once in your life,
would it kill you to be on my side?

So... I guess
we're putting away the plow?

I can't believe she got in
trouble on the first day.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

If you want,
we can fight about the blender.

Babe, there's no fight there.

That's how you make a mango shake.

Look, I got an idea.

Tomorrow, while Shannon's at school,

we'll skip out of work at lunchtime,

come home, we'll have a nooner.

A nooner?

That's kinda hot.

It was my dad's idea.

That detail's not helping.

But I'm down.

It's just, I've been trying
to get a raise at work,

and I'd hate for my boss to
see me taking a long lunch.

Trust me, it won't take long.

Nick.

I'm just saying...

it's been a while.

Hey, John.

Here are the invitations

to the opening night of
the Rembrandt Exhibit.

Oh, wow! These look great.

Thank you, Clem.

You got it.

Oh, is it okay

if I'm a little late
coming back from lunch?

I've got a doctor's appointment.

Of course.

Nothing serious, I hope.

Nah. Just a little, um...

ear infection.

Oh! There's nothing little
about an ear infection.

My aunt was in London,
she went to cross the street,

somebody yelled, "Look out, trolley!"

But she couldn't hear it.

And then, bam!

Killed by an ear infection.

Look, John, the truth is, my ear's fine.

I've just got a personal thing.

You've got an interview with
another museum, don't you?

What? No.

- I...
- I cannot lose you, Clem.

You're the best event planner I've got.

Who is it? The Whitney?

The Guggenheim?

- The Frick?
- John...

It is the Frick, isn't it?

Yes, John. It's the Frick.

You don't want to work there.

Let me call Katherine,
see if we can get you a raise.

What? Wow. Thank you.

I... still think
I need to take the interview.

Ah, playing hardball.

I respect that,

but I think you're gonna be
very happy when you get back.

Oh, you can't even imagine.

All right, how you feeling, boys?

You ready for some back tickling?

Oh, dope.

Hey, baby.

Hey, baby.

Oh!

Shannon, what are you doing here?

It is the middle of the day.

I could ask you the same question,

but I think it's pretty
obvious what you're doing here,

you dirty dog.

All right.

Who's ready to rip and dip?

Shannon.

Shannon?

- Shannon.
- Sh...

So this is why you're so obsessed

with me going to school,
so you can come home

and smash during the day, huh?

Why aren't you in school?

I got sent to the principal's
office for no reason,

so I stood up for myself and
I got a five-day suspension.

- Five days?
- Yeah.

She's gonna be in this
house for five days.

You got suspended already?

What is wrong with you?

Oh, sure. Take the school's side.

Dude, you don't even know what happened.

Yes, that's exactly what I'm gonna do,

because they're the school,
and you're the...

reason we're not allowed
in Walgreens anymore.

Whatevs.

Five days?

Five days, that's 120 hou...

You know,
I might as well get a part-time job.

You know what? I could watch
every episode of Shameless,

still have time, she'd still be here.

Come in, come in. I'm Principal Kersey.

Have a seat.

I'd offer you coffee,
but we don't have any coffee,

because somebody forgot to buy coffee.

Principal Kersey, before we begin,
I'd like to apologize

for whatever my sister
said to get her suspended.

She called me an ass.

No, I didn't.

I called him a dumbass.

I'm so sorry.

And so is my sister.

Look, I know some students may
not agree with the dress code,

but they cannot react disrespectfully
when they're called out for a violation.

We totally agree.

I didn't realize this was
over a dress code violation.

Oh, yes. The code clearly
states that undergarments,

such as bra straps,
must not be visible at any time.

Wait. Really?

However, since Shannon is new and
you all have come here to apologize,

I would be willing to
waive the suspension.

That means Shannon's gonna be
in school during lunchtime.

Thank you, Principal Kersey.
It's been a pleasure.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

- Um, quick question.
- Question? What kind of question?

I thought we were done
with the questions.

What harm does a bra strap do?

Well, it's important that
girls not wear clothes

that distract the boys from learning.

You understand.

Yes, we sure do understand. See ya.

How is it a girl's problem
that a boy is distracted?

Doesn't that seem a little sexist?

Dude, it is on.

I didn't write the dress code,
Ms. Barnes.

I just enforce it.

Let me see this.

Oh, one, two, three pages for girls,

and only one paragraph for boys?

Why is no one worried that maybe

the girls might be
distracted by the boys?

If you saw the dudes here,
you'd understand.

Ms. Barnes,
male students are very distractible.

Yeah, well, so are girls.

We think about sex, too.

Yeah, we do. A lot.

Especially when we're not getting any.

There's been a lot of
distractions at home.

We live in a different time, Mr. Kersey.

I don't care what your code says.

You can't treat boys and
girls differently anymore.

Except for ladies' night,
when we drink for free.

That's cool.

I think the way my
sister dresses is fine.

And with all the problems
you've got going on in schools,

you're gonna focus on whether or
not someone's bra strap is showing?

That, sir,
is the definition of dumbass-ery.

I'm sure you realize the
suspension is back on.

Yes, I do.

Boom!

Whoa. Shannon.

What I'm about to tell you might confuse

or maybe even scare you.

But that thing in your hand,

it's not a phone.

It's a book.

I know. Every time I swipe left,
it just takes you to another page.

I'm proud of you, Shannon.

Really, I'm impressed.

Well, I really appreciate it
that you had my back today,

so I decided, what the hell?

Why not give this whole tedious,
soul-crushing school thing a shot?

That's the spirit.

Oh, cool. Janelle's having people over.

Tonight?

That's, uh, that-that's great,
right, Nick?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Yes. Definitely.

You should go out.

No.

I'm staying in and reading my book.

Well, don't feel like you have to.

I mean, y-you got five days.

Yeah, I mean, look, I mean,
you're already on page six.

- Six!
- I mean, you are flying!

- That's a lot.
- That's... six!

Okay, uh...

I just realized I'm,
like, really hungry,

so I'm gonna go get a burger,
finish my book.

Thank God.

I mean, thank you. I mean, good for you.

I'm gonna need 50 bucks.

50 dollars for a burger?

- Just give it to her.
- All right. Okay.

No pr... Just take the whole wallet.

That's fine, don't worry about it.

Bye.

More wine?

Baby, what's gotten into you?

I don't know.

I was just thinking about
when I was starring in Wicked,

and you used to come visit me.

Oh, I'll never forget.

It may be 10:00 p.m. here.

Mm-hmm.

But it's noon somewhere.

Oh.

Ah, great, you guys are home.

Clem and Nick kicked me out.

What you guys doing?

Remember that cat we used to have?

Indeed, I do.