Fam (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Drunk In Love - full transcript

Dude, if I have to sit
through another minute

of this corny rom-com,
I'm gonna do something unthinkable.

Like homework.

Shh. This is the best part.

When I lived with Dad,
the sappiest movie we ever watched

was... oh, Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

When you lived with Dad,
you ate Pringles for dinner

and didn't have hot water half the time.

Well, I'd rather freeze to death
in the shower than sit here

watching white people trying
to stop other white people

from getting married.



Hey, I happen to like movies about love

when they make me feel
all warm and fuzzy.

And anything with The Rock in it.

Especially Moana.

He's a sucker for romance.

I love love.

- Clem and I are like a rom-com.
- Aw.

The stars aligned,
destiny brought us together.

I truly believe that.

- That's nothing to be embarrassed about.
- Of course not.

- Totally is.
- What?

I think it's sweet that
Nick is such a romantic.

You know, he remembers
everything about us.

First meal we shared?



Hot dog. We ate it
Lady and the Tramp style.

[imitating eating sounds]

Well, Clem's a tramp,
so I guess that makes Nick, um,

yeah, the lady. That's right.

Clem knows everything
there is to know about us, too.

When was our first kiss?

CLEM: Central Park,

- near the ice rink.
- Mm-hmm.

That homeless guy asked
if he can get down with us.

Yuck... That's right.

Listen, it's great you guys
got together and all,

but I hate to break it to you: destiny

[laughs]: had nothing to do with it.

If you two hadn't met each other,
you would have met

other people, and you'd be saying

you'd be destined to be with them.

Now can we please watch something rated
"R" for extreme violence and gore?

No. And if you interrupt
Sandra Bullock one more time,

there's gonna be a lot of
extreme violence and gore

up in here.

♪

Clem, this place is gonna be transformed

for your engagement party.

Standing table here, here, and the bar

will be over there.

Which means I will be over there.

Don't worry,
we'll put up "do not serve" posters

with Shannon's face all over the bar.

Well, Shannon's not the
guest I'm worried about.

Your father has insisted on inviting

his old college buddy Joe,
and the man's in love with me.

Oh, God. Here we go again.

ROSE: He is, Walt.

And just because you can't see it

doesn't mean it's not there.

[in Irish brogue]: Yeah,
like when we went to Ireland,

and you swore you saw a leprechaun?

So, what are we gonna do for music?

[in normal voice]: Well,
it's too bad you don't know

a Tony-nominated performer

who could sing at the party...
Oh, wait, you do. It's me. Me.

ROSE: You're gonna be busy, Walt.

Because after the cocktail hour,

your father will be hosting
The Nearly-Wed Game.

What the hell is a Nearly-Wed Game?

It'll be fantastic.
I'll ask Clem and Nick questions

about their relationship,

and then they'll compare
answers to see how well

- they know each other.
- [gasps] Oh.

Cool. You should totally ask
about when they had a three-way

with a homeless man.

It was not a three-way.

One person got naked, it was not us.

Okay, okay.
Well, I'll give you an example

of what kind of question I might ask.

Uh, all right.
What was the name of Clem's first pet?

[scoffs] Goldie the goldfish.

BOTH: May she rest in peace. Jinx!

[both laugh]

CLEM: Ooh!

And after the game,
I will give my speech.

It's gonna be so funny.

Oh, yeah? Who's gonna give it?

Me. In fact, why don't I give
you a taste of the goods?

[exhales] Ooh.

"They say when you marry someone,

"you marry their whole family.

Well, I hope that's not true,
because that's polygamy."

'Cause, 'cause it's illegal.

And that's her opener.

Sweetheart, as funny as you are,

maybe you ought to try
the more romantic route.

Like, uh... ooh.

Tell the story about
how you and Nick met.

Oh, Rose, that is a great idea.

We know you met in a bar,

but I don't think we
know the whole story.

Mm-mm.

The whole story? About how we met?

Yeah, yeah, the whole story.

[laughs] Ah, no. I don't think
anyone cares about that.

Oh, come on, Clem.
Just because I don't care

doesn't mean nobody cares.

Hey, people love that kind of stuff.

Come on. What do you say?

Sure.

Wonderful.

I remember

how your father swept me off of my feet.

It was in a hot little
jazz club in Harlem.

And Joe has been heartbroken ever since.

Yeah.

[in Irish brogue]:
And the leprechaun disappeared

into a hollow log.

ROSE: Walt.

I know what I know,
and I saw what I saw.

Shannon.

I mean... [scoffs] Shannon.

Evan. I mean...

Help.

My parents are going to
the engagement party.

I'll be there, too.
Are you looking forward to it?

I was.

Would you open the trash chute?

Oh. Oh, I shouldn't.

I'm allergic to bees.

The last time I threw out the trash,
I got stung by one.

My tongue swelled up so
much that I couldn't speak.

[laughs]

Come on, bees. Save me.

I'm allergic to basically everything.

That's why I always keep
an EpiPen in my pocket.

And I thought you were
just excited to see me.

Uh, I am excited to see you.

Oh, Evan, you sweet
little innocent boy, you.

See you, virgin.

What... what makes you think I'm a...?

Mm, she's right.

Ugh. Evan is so desperate.

Why do you find guys
like that attractive?

Excuse me?

Well, you know, Nick and Evan
are, like, basically

the same person, so I'm just wondering,

at what age do we start settling?

Can you not right now? I'm freaking out.

I'm working on this speech
about how I met Nick.

So?

So, I don't remember how I met Nick.

What?

I was super drunk,

and I don't remember
anything from that night.

But I guess I met him at some bar,
and he gave me his number.

Wait, so you texted him,
even though you didn't remember him?

Not exactly.

Later that week,
I was with my bestie, Ben...

_

Who am I going home with tonight?

Ooh.

- 1-800-Waiter.
- Yes.

Excuse me. Hi.

Uh, could I have the... you?

I get off at 10:00.

Guess who's getting off at 10:15.

[chuckles]

Wait, but if you leave me,
what am I gonna do?

Aren't you still dating that super tall,
blond dentist dude?

What's his name? Nick?

Nick. Yeah, no, we're not dating,
we're just hooking up.

He is so hot but so dumb.

But since you're ditching me,
I guess I will text him.

"U up?"

I love how that's all it takes.

Like, why would anyone not date men?

[murmurs]

Wait, so Nick used to be
a super tall, blond dentist?

No. That's the whole point.

I didn't remember meeting Nick,
so I didn't realize

that I had two Nicks in my phone.

Oh, my God!
So you booty-called the wrong Nick.

Exactly.

Okay, so what happened next?

- _
- Hey, Nick. Where are you?

I just got here. I don't see you.

I'm sitting at a table.

Where?

- Hey.
- Hi?

- Nick?
- Yeah.

From the other night.

Nick from the other night.

I remember you. [chuckles]

Yeah. Uh, which is why I texted you.

Obviously.

Well, I remember, too.

Which is why I showed up.

Obviously.

- Yeah.
- Here...

Yeah, thank you.

Wow. Uh...

Are these flowers for me?

These? Yeah.

You know, who else would they be for?

"For my Poopkins."

Poopkins?

Yeah, I just...

you just looked like a Poopkins,
so I, I took a swing.

It-it was, it was stupid.

No, it-it's sweet.

This whole thing is surprisingly sweet.

[laughs softly]

Oh, my God, I love this story!

[laughs]

It's not funny, Shannon.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
So what do you do

when people ask how you guys met?

- Oh, my God, what's that?
- What?

That's what I do.

I love that the night you
guys met was so romantic

that he named you Poopkins,
and you don't even remember.

Ha!

What am I gonna do?

Tomorrow night I have to give
a speech about how we met,

and if Nick finds out
that I don't remember,

it'll break his heart.

Hey, um, you always got the other Nick.

What? Maybe he's up.

Are you sure this is the
bar where I met Nick?

Tell me everything that you remember.

Girl, I remember everything.

Oh, thank God.

- I love you. Go.
- Okay.

There was a thunderstorm,
so you looked, like, all wet and sexy.

And you saw Nick from across the room.
Your eyes met,

and you turned to me and you said

[imitates Clem]:
"That is the man I'm going to marry."

Oh, I did?

Mm-hmm. And as you guys
walked toward each other,

it was as if everyone else
in the bar disappeared.

And then you said

the most romantic thing.

What did I say?

You said, "I'm just a girl,

standing in front of a boy,
asking him to love her."

That's from Notting Hill.

I know. I love that movie.

If you don't remember how I met Nick,

why did you say that you did?

Because, ever since you met Nicky,

you're all in love and boring,

and I really miss day drinking with you.

Mmm, Rose.

These little fried cheese
puffs are the bomb.

How did you make these?

They're Cheetos, Walt.

They're Shannon's.

Well, she's got terrific taste.

Oh, look who just walked in.

- Joe.
- Oh, no. It's the competition.

Laugh it up. You'll see.

- Walt.
- Joe!

God, it's good to see you, Walt,

- I feel like it's been forever.
- Hello, Joe.

How you doing, Rose?

Congratulations on your
boy getting married

and... o-oh, there he is.

Got to give that kid a hug.

- Yeah. [chuckles]
- Wow, Rose.

That was some red-hot
knuckle-on-knuckle action.

Hey, Shannon.

Hey, Evan.

Did you notice I've been ignoring you?

No, but, um...

keep doing it.

So you don't remember how you met.

Just go out there and talk about
something else in your speech.

Do that polygamy joke I wrote for you...

It's not just about the speech, Ben.

I have to tell Nick the truth.

I mean...
do you think that he'll understand?

Of course he'll understand;
he loves you.

Or he'll dump your ass,
and you're back to being

my hot mess bestie.
It's a win-win, you know?

My dad's running low on Cheetos.

Oh, hey, Ben. I didn't see you come in.

I've been hiding out in the kitchen.

I'm pretty sure I had sex
with one of your cousins.

I don't have a gay cousin.

Oh, honey.

So, Nick, I was thinking,

what if I didn't tell
the story of how we met?

Babe, come on. Everyone wants to hear.

I know, it's just...

it's... it's so good.

- [laughs]
- And it might make

people feel bad about
their relationships,

and... that's not
what this night is about.

Clem, what's going on?

I don't remember how we met.

[loud crunching]

I'll take these to Daddy.

- You don't remember how we met?
- I was hammered.

And I should have told
you but I didn't tell you

and then I waited too long
and then I couldn't tell you.

I'm sure it was some
super romantic story,

but I don't remember any of it.

I'm sorry.

I don't remember how we met either.

- What?
- I was completely wasted, too.

But you never get wasted.

I had two drinks and...

I was taking antibiotics
for my eye infection, so...

- Oh, my God, this is such a relief.
- [laughs]

- [sighs]
- [chuckles]

Wait, hang on.

Quick question.

If you don't remember meeting me,

then why did you rush to
see me when I texted you?

And bring me flowers?

'Cause I'm a big ol' cutie.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

They were for a "Poopkins."

Who the hell is Poopkins?

Poopkins...

- was Kristen.
- Your ex-girlfriend?

We had just broken up

- and I deleted her number from my phone.
- [scoffs]

So, when you texted,
I thought it was Kristen

trying to get back together.

Wow.

"Wow"?

Go wow yourself,
because if you don't remember

meeting me, why'd you text, "U up?"

'Cause... I'm a big ol' cutie?

No-no, no-no,
no-no-no-no-no, you thought

you were meeting someone different, too.

Who was it?

Fine, it was a different Nick.

Which Nick?

This dentist that I used
to hook up with.

You were texting your booty call Nick?

Booty Call Nick?

Unbelievable.

What's unbelievable is
that you were trying

to get back together with
a woman that you loved.

Well, at least I wasn't trying to bone
any random Nick in my phone!

WALT:
It's time to play The Nearly-Wed Game!

Clem and Nick, come on down!

Okay, everyone,
Nick and Clem are getting married!

But how well do they know each other?

Not as well as we thought we did.

[both laugh]

I'll do the jokes here.

All right.

Here's how it works.

I'll ask one of you a question,

and then the other will
write down what you think

your fiancé will say.

All right. Question number one:

Nick, what is the silliest nickname

you've ever called Clem?

Are you ready?

Nick, what do you say?

Uh, I'm gonna say "Big Toe."

Because her pinky toe
looks like a thumb.

Clem, what you got?

"Poopkins."

[imitates buzzer] Sorry, 0 for 1.

All right, next question.

Clem, what would Nick say
was the best vacation

you guys ever took?

Nick, to your board. All right, Clem.

Best vacation, what's your answer?

I don't know, some Airbnb in Bridgeport.

Well, it's not Paris,
but you guys are still young.

Nick!

Show me Bridgeport!

"Ask her about Booty Call Nick."

Okay, um... [chuckles]

I think I'm done with this game.

No-no, no-no. We are not done here.

Whoa, son, son.

What's going on? Are you guys okay?

I just always thought we were...

like one of those great
couples from the movies

who were destined to be together.

Turns out, we're not.

ROSE: But...

Uh... All right, give me the mic.

I'm making the speech.

Uh, do I need to warn the church people?

Hello, old people.

I'm Clem's sister, Shannon.

Oh, God. What is she doing?

See, Clem was supposed
to give a speech tonight

about how her and Nick met.

But the problem is,

she doesn't remember
anything about that night

because she was a drunk mess.

Because she used to be fun.

I'll drink to that.

And Nick here doesn't
remember anything either

because he's a little
baby who can't handle

a Z-Pak and a Chardonnay.

And that could have been
the end of the story, but no.

[scoffs]

Destiny brought them back together.

Come on, guys, seriously,
think about it.

Think about all the
stars that had to align

to make this happen.

Nick had to have been
pathetically obsessing

over his ex and Clem had to have
accidentally texted the wrong guy

because she was horny
for man meat... it's beautiful.

It's beautiful.

You two are exactly
like those lame couples

in those stupid rom-coms you love.

Dude, it's such a cliché.
The gay best friend.

The cynical sister who
makes the dope speech

that brings the couple back together.

Here's to Nick and Clem...

who made me believe in destiny.

Blech.

See?

We were meant to be.

I know.

We're just a pair of big ol' cuties.

[chuckles]

You're welcome.

Rose.

- Joe.
- I got to tell you

that what the kids
said really got to me.

- Oh.
- You are my destiny.

And I've always loved you.

Can you say that to Walt?

- No. No. Oh, no.
- What...

Well, can you text me?
So I can have proof.

I heard your speech.

You know, in every rom-com,
the cynical girl

always winds up with the lovable loser.

That's me.

Yeah, I don't think so, kid.

Oh, but, um, come here.

If you steal me a couple beers,

I'll let you get to zero base.

What's zero base?

It's where nothing happens,

but you get to watch me drink beers.

Sold!

They're so cute.

We're gonna be like them some day.

I hope so.

You know, at least we'll never forget
the night that we met because...

we don't remember it.

Well, if it was anything
like our relationship,

it was probably the most
magical night of all time.

_

Yo, dude.

My girlfriend broke up with me tonight.

[laughs] I don't care.

I don't.

I am totally over it.

I am... moving on.

Good for you.

I even deleted her phone number.

[voice breaking]:
So I can never call Poopkins again.

Let's go.

[gasps]

The drink fairy left me a drink.

Hey, that's mine.

Whoa... Oh, you're hot.

I mean, it's hot... in here.

And you're hot.

I'm so sweaty.

- Oh, my God. Are you crying?
- No.

I have an eye infection.

Can I have your number?

Why don't... you give me yours?

Okay.

There you go.

Call me.

- Nick.
- Hey, that's me.

Okay, bye.

Take that, Poopkins.

- You gonna call that dude?
- [scoffs]

The crying one? [laughs]

I'm never gonna see that guy ever again.

[yelps]

It must have been
the greatest night ever.