Fam (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Stealing Time - full transcript

Check me out, Clem. I'm ready to go
to Walt and Rose's on time. Happy?

I would be happier

if you weren't wearing
my favorite pants.

Oh, honey,

you can't pull these off.

Whoa, those are some dope kicks.

When'd you get Yeezys?

Bigger question:

How does someone in their
late 40s know what Yeezys are?

I'm 30 and a college professor.

My finger is on the pulse.



He just learned about
them on 60 Minutes.

That is not true.

It was the Sunday Style section
of The New York Times. Thank you.

How'd you pay for Yeezys, Shannon?

Aren't they super expensive?

Won 'em off some dumb rich girl.

You know how when someone gets arrested

they'll read their Miranda rights?

- Mm-hmm.
- I bet her I can recite 'em by heart.

How do you know the Miranda rights?

- Because our dad is a cop.
- Mm.

Yeah, that's... why I know them.

So, who is this girl?

Some stuck-up idiot.



My new school's full of 'em.

Always doing their
makeup in the bathroom

when people are just trying to vape.

Other people. Bad people.

It never changes.

When I was in high school,
the mean girls, they would...

talk about me behind my back and
start rumors that I was a slut.

And also rumors that weren't true.

Got it.

Freddy, my man!

Dad. Hi. You're here.

Yet we did not invite you.

I need a family picture
for that newsletter thing

they put out at the precinct.

It's... it's silly,
but in the next issue,

- I'm Hero of the Month.
- Nice, Freddy.

What'd you do, like,
solve some big murder case?

Well, I hate to brag, but, uh...

I'm sleeping with the woman
who puts out the newsletter.

Here.

- Take a picture of me and my girls.
- Sure thing. You know,

I called you the other day
about lunch... did you get my message?

Yep. Now, take the picture,
Annie Leibovitz.

So I guess that's a no on Benihana.

Great. Now, Shannon,
here, you put this on.

What is this?

Dad, it's not my birthday.

Well, it's in case they
make me Hero again in July.

Ugh.

My birthday's in November.

Whatever. Just smile.

- Got it.
- Great.

Dad, what's really going on?

Why do you ruin every nice
moment that we have, Clem?

Come on, we'll do graduation
and a couple of Christmas shots.

Come on, Dad, spill it.

All right. Fine.

Those bastards at the IRS are
sending an agent over to audit me,

and I've been claiming
you as dependents.

So I need to scatter some
photos around my place

to make it look like you're
still living with me.

Also, I'm gonna need a couple
of bras to hang in the bathroom.

Come on, Freddy,

what's... what's the real story?

Oh, my God, that's the real story.

Dad, how are you a cop

and yet basically everything
you do is illegal?

What am I gonna do, arrest myself?

Quick Halloween one.

Boo!

Hey! Ah...

here are our favorite people.

- Hey.
- Ooh, thank you.

Now, see, this is how you greet family.

Oh, my God, Nick,
are you still butt-hurt

because my dad doesn't want
to be besties with you?

I'm just trying to have a relationship

with a guy that's gonna
be my father-in-law.

And if that makes me butt-hurt,
then yes, my butt is hurt.

I don't know why you think
my dad's ever gonna like you.

The man doesn't like anybody.

I once saw him flip off a baby.

Well, how could anyone not like my son?
Mwah!

Well, maybe it's because
Nick never asked Freddy

for his blessing to marry Clem.

Well, it never crossed my mind,

because I was under the
impression that Freddy was dead.

You know,
because Clem told me he was dead.

I only told you that because I thought

that if you ever met him,
you would think less of me.

And then you met Shannon,
and I realized that...

you'd accept anything.

You know, Nick, honey,
it's never too late.

There's still time to ask Freddy.

- Maybe I should.
- No. Please.

- I don't care.
- Yeah, but maybe your dad does.

You know, I remember asking
Rose's dad for his blessing.

Made a special appointment
to talk to him.

And you were so stressed out,

'cause you were late.

Well, I was starring in a
Broadway production of Hair

at the time...
I got mobbed at the stage door.

He got his fro

caught in a fan.

But he gave me his blessing

and his watch... it was his way
of welcoming me to the family.

Wait, wait.
Is this the watch that's engraved:

"Show up on time, you little bastard"?

That's the one.

I'll get it for us.

You know, I miss Grandpa.

He was such a hard-ass.

Oh, he was.

That man fought his way
through the Korean War.

Really? Where was he stationed?

At home with my mother.

Uh, guys, I can't find the watch.

It's gone.

Someone must have stolen it.

Are you sure, Walt?

It was in a locked drawer.

Who could've done it?

I know... the handyman!

He was in our bedroom with a wrench.

What is this, a game of Clue?

No way it was Arthur.

He's a nice, sweet old man.

If not him, who?

Yeah.

If not him, who?

Yeah.

If not him, who?

So, Shannon,

tell me again how you got those shoes?

Told you. Won them off that rich guy.

You said it was a girl.

Uh, yeah, that's because it was a girl.

But now it's a guy.

You see, kids don't identify anymore.

Hes are shes. Shes are hes.

You're a dinosaur. Let's move on.

Shannon, did you steal my dad's watch?

Me?

Steal?

Never.

Oh, please.

You stole a taxi when you were 13.

- Really?
- Really.

They caught her driving
a family of five to JFK.

Yeah, and the cheap
bastards didn't even tip me.

Shannon, tell us the truth,

or we're gonna take your
phone away for a month.

Okay. Okay, okay, fine, fine.
I did it. I did it.

Yes! I knew she took it!
I told you she took it!

Why am I celebrating? I am very angry!

I'm sorry!

Sorry is not gonna cut it.

This is such a violation of our trust.

How could you steal from my parents?

Walt has, like, a million watches, dude.

I took it two weeks ago,
and he just noticed it was gone.

Just because someone doesn't
notice something is gone

doesn't make it okay to steal.

Well, then technically,
I can't be blamed,

because I have never
heard that concept before.

Shannon.

They'll never find out.

I used gloves, just like Dad taught us.

Can everyone stop being so dramatic?

I will get the watch back.

Really? How? It's at a pawnshop.

How are you gonna pay for that?

I'll steal a taxi. Give me three days.

No! The stealing has to stop.

I can't believe that you would do this,
Shannon.

And for a stupid pair of shoes?

They're not just shoes, okay?

What does that mean?

I don't want to talk about it.

What is going on, Shannon?

It's just...

everybody at this dumb,
bougie school has these,

and... I'm already the weird new kid...

I guess I just wanted to fit in.

I get it.

I remember wanting to fit in, too.

That's how I ended up in mall jail
for stealing a belly button ring.

There's a jail in the mall?

- It's awesome.
- Yes. It's fun, actually.

Look, this is no excuse.

I'm sorry that you
were feeling left out,

but we're going to Walt
and Rose's right now,

and you're gonna tell them
the truth. Right, Nick?

Uh-uh. No.

No, no.

No.

What? We have to.

My parents have a zero-tolerance
policy about stealing.

You know my cousin Eddie?

- No.
- Exactly.

He stole from my parents

one time, and he was banished
from the family forever.

Banished? Like one
of those old ladies on The View

when they talk back to Whoopi?

Look, we can handle this without
my parents ever finding out.

Right. Blame it on the handyman.

I like where your head's at, kid.

No. We're gonna get the
watch from the pawnshop,

plant it in my parents'
place and claim we just found it.

And you're gonna pay us back the money.

Good idea. I just won't take
my next two months' allowance.

We don't give you an allowance.

Well, maybe if you did,

we wouldn't be in this predicament.

Man, there's a lot of tubas in here.

I still can't believe
you stole the watch

and sold it to a
sketchy place like this.

Sketchy?

Dude, Dad used to take us
here every Christmas Eve.

Called it Santa's Workshop.

He made me get my school supplies here.

I got a lunchbox with a bullet hole.

Lost a lot of Skittles that year.

Hey, guys. How can I help you?

You want a tuba?

Buy one, get the rest free.

Uh, we're actually looking
for a silver Rolex.

Oh, sick.
There it is, that one right there.

Oh, that's a beautiful piece.

Sure is. Here's your $400.

Uh, it's $1,500 now.

What? We can't afford that.

Sorry. I always wanted to try a tuba.

So let me get this straight.

You gave this poor,

innocent little girl $400 for that watch

and now you're charging
us $1,500 to get it back?

This is a pawnshop, lady.

I sell the items for
more than I buy them.

It's a radical scheme called profit.

Ladies,

if I may.

- Let's cut to the chase.
- Okay.

Name your real price, my man.

$1,500, my man.

Oh.

You want to dance? Let's dance.

We'll give you $500.

How 'bout $1,500?

Oh! Oh. See, now I see
what you're trying to do.

All right, look, do-si-do.

$650 or we walk.

How 'bout you walk to that
ATM and get me $1,500?

This guy's a really good dancer.

No. No! No!

Get out!

Now how are we gonna get the watch back?

Come on, Shannon.

We know how to get the watch back.

Damn it.

I thought you were Uber
Eats bringing me my Big Mac.

Dad, I need your help.

And I need yours.
That guy you live with keeps texting me.

He wants to get together and talk.

It's like I'm in an episode
of Sex and the City.

That guy is my fianc?.

And he's downstairs with Shannon.

So I'm gonna get straight to the point,

because the pawnshop closes in an hour.

Pawnshop? What happened?

Shannon stole something
from Nick's parents

- and then pawned it.
- She did?

I feel like you want me to
have a problem with that.

I just need you to fix it, okay?

The owner is being
a real scumbag, and...

How do I put this nicely?

We need an even bigger scumbag.

Look, I'm flattered.

But shaking people down
for money is one thing.

Doing it for my daughter,
that just... feels wrong.

Fine, Dad. Have it your way.

Where did you get this
picture of us from the beach?

Oh, that was photoshopped
from one of the pictures

we took at your place.

One of the hookers in lockup did it.

She's studying design
at the Art Institute.

A lot of 'em are. It's weird.

Yeah, well,

it sure would be a shame
if the IRS found out

that I haven't been living here for
the last ten years like you claim.

Are you trying to blackmail me?

Please.

Blackmailing people is awful.

But doing it to my own dad?

That just feels right.

Dad, would you slow down?

The faster I go, the safer you are.

I slow down, I get distracted.

Like by that hot blur over there.

Hey, darlin'!

So, Freddy, I was thinking that, uh,

maybe later we can
get together and talk.

We're together now. Talk.

Nick, just drop it.

Look, I just never got a chance

to talk to you before
I proposed to Clem.

Are you trying to ask me for
my daughter's hand in marriage?

Yes. Yes.
And I'd appreciate your blessing.

It'd mean a lot to me...

It's showtime.

Wow, Nick.

Swing and a miss.

Your dad is really hard to connect with.

You want to connect with him?

Get a job as a cocktail
waitress at a bowling alley.

Dude, why you got to slam my mom?

Look, man, I know you're just
trying to make a buck here,

but I also know that everything
in this place is stolen.

Except for the tubas.

But I'm willing to look the other
way if you help me out on the watch.

I don't know what's
stolen and what isn't.

I'm just an honest businessman

who exploits people when
they're at their most desperate.

So if you want this watch,

it'll cost you $1,500.

So there's nothing I could
say that'll change your mind?

Only the words, "Here's $1,500."

- Well, I gave it a shot, yeah?
- Right.

Don't get me wrong.
I know your dad is far from perfect.

But he showed up for you guys today.

Deep down, I think he's a good guy.

Give the watch to my daughter!

Now!

Open the window, pumpkin.

Oh, oh, oh!

Thank you.

Now say you're sorry.

I'm sorry.

So, who's buying me a Big Mac?

Okay, so you guys
are good with the plan?

It's not a plan. We're just gonna

hide the watch in the couch and
then pretend that we found it.

Okay, yes, it's not Ocean's Eleven,
but it is a plan.

Well, you better not blow this,

because I don't want to be
banished like Cousin Eddie.

I think I got this. Watch this.

"Hey. Wait, is that the... No!"

"Hey, Dad, is this your...

No!"

Pretty good, huh?

No!

So, we're having cameras
installed tomorrow.

Ever since the robbery,

- your mother is shook.
- Mm.

That's the way you use that word,
right, Shannon?

That is correct, sir.

Well, I'm sorry.
I just won't be comfortable

until I know this place is secure.

Well, I'm not gonna be comfortable
walking around naked anymore.

Well, that may be for the best,
sweetheart,

because we have windows.

And every time we go across
the street to that Starbucks,

we get looks.

Oh, God, we do.

I'm gonna get dinner ready.

Uh, hey, Dad,
aren't you gonna go help Mom?

Wasn't planning on it.

Walt,

are these chips organic?

I don't know.

Would you mind checking? Because...

I read recently that,

if you're gonna eat junk food,

it really should be organic.

Because of, you know...

global warming.

I never heard that. Have you guys?

- Oh, huge. Huge!
- Oh, it's a big thing.

Yeah.

Would you go make sure?

You know, for... the planet.

Okay, he's gone. Do it now.

- I can't.
- Why not?

I don't think I can pull this off.

I just realized I've
never lied to my parents.

What? You've never lied
to your parents before?

Clem, who are you marrying?

Fine, throw it to me. I'll do it.

They're organic!

I love this dip.

And I love the fact that
we're doing our part

to save the environment.

Dad! Don't eat that.

Wh-Why not?

Uh, because...

you're fat.

There, I said it. I said it.

Fat? What do you mean, fat? I'm not fat.

Clem, do I look fat to you?

I just think he wants
you to look your best

for the wedding photos.

Yeah. I totally agree, because you...

...are a whale.

Dinner's ready, everyone.

Rose, am I not in great shape?

Doesn't matter, Walt.

You shouldn't be walking around naked.

Well, I think I look good.

- No!
- No!

No!

Is that the...

No!

I know, I know.
You guys have been so cool to me,

and the last thing I ever
wanted to do was hurt you.

But you did, Shannon.

And I think what hurts the most

is we welcomed you into
our home and trusted you.

I think what hurts the most is
the gratuitous body shaming.

And the trust thing.

Look, I know this is no excuse,

but before my dad potty-trained us,

he taught us how to steal.

He called it "doing number three."

So, you're not gonna banish me?

Banish you?

Yeah. I was worried this whole thing

was gonna turn into a
Cousin Eddie situation.

A what?

Eddie. The cousin that was
banished from this family

because he stole a hundred
bucks from you guys.

You still believe that, Nick?

There is no Cousin Eddie.

We just made him up to keep you
from doing something stupid.

You made him up?

Yes. Whatever we didn't want you to do,

we just said Cousin Eddie did it

and suffered horribly
so you wouldn't do it!

Wait, so Cousin Eddie never jaywalked

and got hit by a truck?

Cousin Eddie never jaywalked,

because he never crossed the street,

because he never existed.

Damn!

Your parents did you dirty, Nicholas.

Excuse me. We're not
finished with you, Ms. Shannon.

Now, I know your father wasn't
exactly the best role model.

But stealing from your family?

No, that's the thing.

Family doesn't mean anything to him.

And it didn't mean
anything to me either.

Until now.

And that's because of you guys.

All of you guys.

Which is why I'm-I'm really,
really sorry.

Aw, Shannon.

Aw, you guys.

I don't want the people in
Starbucks to see me cry.

Honey, they've seen it all.