Fam (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Freddy Returns - full transcript

Good morning, beautiful.

I think I might've messed
up the coffee again.

Oh, come on, Clem. I'm sure it's fine.

That is delicious.

Aw...

Nick, your mom is so adorable.

She keeps texting me asking

if I have the guest list to the wedding.

That woman is obsessed with
sending out save the dates.

Unfortunately, she calls them STDs.

Oh... that explains her other text.



Yeah.

Have you guys seen the OJ?

I swear I left the carton
on the couch last night.

Uh, yeah, you did.

I put it back in the refrigerator,

you know, to keep it refrigerated.

My bad.

It's Gucci.
Just don't mess with my system.

"My system"? Juice on the couch?
Dishes everywhere?

- That's a broken system.
- She's 16.

And up until a week ago,
she was living with my dad.

He never taught us things
like putting away dishes

or, you know, eating off of dishes.

You know what? I'll talk to her.



Even though she does not
respond to criticism well.

There's a good chance
she's gonna kill me,

hide the body,
and my face is gonna end up

on a milk carton that she left out.

Yo, Shannon,
can I talk to you for a second?

You got to do something
about your medicine cabinet.

The funnest thing you
have in there is Claritin.

Look, Shannon,

now that you're living here,
which we are so excited about...

I mean, I know I am...

It'd be great if you could try to
keep the place a little tidier.

- Tidier?
- Yes, tidier. Like that plate...

When you're finished with it,
what are you gonna do with it?

I don't know,
probably leave it here, walk away.

If anyone asks, say it's Clem's.

I'll put it this way: if you don't start
putting the dishes in the dishwasher,

I'm gonna change the Wi-Fi password.

Mm-hmm, yeah. I cracked your ATM code.

I'm pretty sure I can hack your Wi-Fi.

You did what?

Don't worry. I changed it.

To what? Your birthday?

I'll change it again.

Look, Shannon,
we're not asking for a lot.

We just want you to do a little bit more

than you're doing right now,

which is... absolutely nothing.

Okay. Fine. Whatever.

Oh, hey, girl. Talk to me.

Uh, uh, excu... excuse me, Shannon?

Shannon? Plate.

Oh, I think that's Clem's. Sorry, I'm...

Rose, that pot roast was amazing.
Do you mind

if we take a little
bit of it home with us?

Why would you want to
take the pot roast home?

There's, like, zero pot in it.

Of course you can.

In fact, take it all.

Walt and I can't eat it,
that's for sure.

Seriously? I got 11 hours of
televised golf this weekend

and half a gallon of gravy.
I mean, take it, Clem, we insist.

I'll go put it in some Tupperware.

- Ooh...
- Ooh...

You have no idea what
you just signed up for.

That woman is a Tupperware hawk.

What does that mean?

She is gonna ride your
ass till you return it.

Mm-hmm.

I don't understand.

She said it was fine.

Of course she did.

She's an incredibly generous host.

But when it comes to her Tupperware,
that woman is like Liam Neeson

and those little glass containers
are like her abducted daughters.

Ah, here you go.

Just return this to me any old time.

Before I forget,

I was going over the guest
list for your wedding,

and there seems to be a mistake.

You left your father off.

Oh, yeah, no, that's not a mistake.

I was just worried
that if we invited him,

he might actually come.

But, Clem, if Dad's not there,

who's gonna get drunk and hit on the
"most gettable" bridesmaid?

Babe, I know we discussed this,

but he is your father.

If you don't invite him,

I'm pretty sure you're
gonna regret it later.

And I have so many STDs.

Your wedding is supposed to be
the happiest day of your life.

And if my dad comes...

Okay, have you ever been on vacation,

and you're so excited,

and then the cruise
ship sinks and you die?

That's how it'll feel.

Oh, Clem, I understand.

Honey, there's a lot of pain here.

I won't push.

Here comes the push.

But I believe that no
relationship is beyond repair.

So, why don't we have your
father here for dinner,

and you two can start mending fences.

Have I ever mentioned

that when my appendix burst,
my dad told me to walk it off?

Sweetheart,
let me put my therapist hat on.

This is a chance for you
to accept your father

for who he is and begin
healing the wounds of the past.

What do you think, Shannon?

I think it's weird to be
taking advice from someone

who's wearing an invisible hat.

Well, honey, if you want my opinion,

I don't think one dinner could hurt.

And I know for a fact that

my mom's never gonna give
this up if you don't say yes.

It's true.

She is gonna wear you down, girl.

What? You know I'm right.

He's right, I will.

You don't answer your phone?

I've been calling and texting all day.

You think I text?

Who am I, Steve Jobs?

The only people who call
me are bill collectors.

Wait, Best Buy didn't send you,
did they?

I need to ask you something.

Hang on, I'm filling out
my racing form here.

You remember when you used
to help me pick the horses?

Yep. When you lost,
we'd go to the pawn shop.

When you won,
we'd go back to the pawn shop

and pick up my bicycle.

Come on, sit with me.

What do you think?

- You're the best at this.
- I don't care, Dad.

Well, you're not the one
in deep to your bookie,

and Best Buy.

Help me out here.

Any of these horses catch your eye?

"Tar Heel,"

"Jimmy J,"

"Call Me By Your Mane"?

Go with "Poor Child Eats."

He's finished just out
of the money twice,

and he dropped down a class.

"Poor Child Eats" it is.

Okay, sweetie, thanks for stopping by.

That's not why I came here.

Nick's parents want to know

if you'd like to come over
for dinner tomorrow night.

I know you're gonna say no,
but I promised I'd ask.

Okay. Sure, I'll come.

Uh, excuse me?

Why would I say no?

Because when have you
ever done anything for me?

Hey, who got you that bike?

Several times?

So anyway, this, uh,
this dinner thing...

should I bring Shannon?

She moved out of here a week ago.

She lives with me now.

Did you seriously not notice?

Hey, I'm a busy homicide detective,

you can't expect me to pay
attention to every detail.

Oh, hey, Shannon,
can I talk to you for a second?

Sure. One Mississippi, bye...

Okay, seriously.

Shannon, I really appreciate
you loading the dishwasher.

Let's check out your work.

Now, you started off pretty strong.

Plate, plate, plate.

Now, here's where things
get a little rocky.

Right, mm-hmm.

- Plate, empty slot...
- Yeah.

...bowl, sideways bowl,

high-top.

Cool. The gum came off.

Oh, hey, babe.
How'd it go with your dad?

Fantastic.

Okay, what happened?

I invited him to dinner,
and guess what he said.

"I can't go.
I have a date with a hooker."

He said yes. Hence...

Ah, ah, ah. Okay.

Come on, Clem.

I think this can be a good thing.

Look, I know you.

You're a strong woman.
You can handle anything.

Maybe not the coffee maker.

But I have no doubt that
you can handle your dad.

That's easy for you to say.

Your dad's perfect.

Perfect? You didn't grow up with him.

The man is far from perfect.

Aw, really?

What did he do to you?

Did he give you too much ice cream?

No. He's more of a fro-yo guy.

I mean, every Thursday night.

I mean, come on, switch it up, Walt!

Okay... let me get this straight.

My dad wouldn't let me take
ballet lessons when I was six

because, and I quote,

"My daughter ain't
gonna be no stripper."

And you're complaining that your dad

would occasionally
get you frozen treats?

Well, excuse me for trying
to fit in with you guys.

Why you got to be so mean?

This dinner is gonna be a disaster.

Let's hope.

What do you mean?

If Dad's his typical jerk self,

then Walt and Rose will
finally get off your back

about having him come to the wedding.

You know what, you're right.

This is perfect.

I'll get credit for giving Dad a chance,

and they'll think that I'm the mature,
evolved person

that I absolutely am not.

Come in, come in.

Wait till you see the
meal this lady prepared.

But save some room,
'cause we got fro-yo.

We are so excited about
having your father over.

So, no Tupperware?

We haven't finished the pot roast yet.

Oh, no problem. Totally fine.

No rush. When you're finished,
you'll bring it back.

Absolutely.

When do you think that'll be?

Oh.

Here we go.

Hey. Somebody call the police?

Freddy, so good you could make it.

Ah, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Hello, girls. Don't you look lovely?

- Thank you?
- Thank you?

Walt, this is for you.
I hear you're a wine guy.

Oh, Freddy,
this is a very nice bottle of wine.

You-you shouldn't have.

Oh, no, no, I didn't buy it.

God, no. I swiped it
from the evidence locker.

Big hedge fund manager got
whacked in his brownstone.

His loss, our gain, right?

I should be horrified,
but you don't pass up

a '93 Chateau Margaux.

Grab some glasses, Nick,
we're gonna open this bad boy up.

So nice to have you here, Freddy.

Well, thank you so much
for inviting me, Rose.

And, uh, what is that
that smells so terrific?

Oh, it's just my chicken marsala.

- Oh. Elegant and a good cook.
- Thank you.

You remind me of the woman that
broke up my first marriage.

How sweet of you to say.

Um, I'm gonna go check on the dinner.

Make yourself comfortable.

All right, Dad, what's going on?

You're on time, you brought a gift,

it's 6:00,
and you don't smell like tequila.

What, I can't make a good impression?

No. That is why we're confused.

Hey, Freddy, just curious.

These red spots on the bottle,
it's not...

Yeah, it's blood.

Okay.

So the guy aims the gun at me,

cocks the hammer, and bang.

When you're staring death in her face,

time completely slows down.

So, what happened, Dad?

Were you killed?

Very funny.

The truth is, I thought of you, Shannon.

And you, Clem.

And I realized in that moment

that I haven't been much
of a dad to you girls.

And if that bullet hit me,
I'd never get that chance.

I was once nearly concussed
when a lighting rig fell

when I was starring in
the Broadway production

of Miss Saigon.

But continue.

Anyway, it all ended happy.

I ducked and shot him in the face.
The end.

These potatoes are dynamite.

I've never heard that story before, Dad.

Happened last Thursday.
It was a real wake-up call.

It just proves

that sometimes it takes
a life-changing event,

like a near-death experience,
or a wedding,

to realize

there is nothing more
important than family.

I gotta say, Freddy,

your life sounds incredibly exciting.

Well, you should stop
by the station tomorrow.

I'll show you around.

Can I ride in the patrol car?

Hell, you can shoot my gun.
You're family.

Oh, no, I got it. Let me help you.

Can you believe he
expects us to fall for this?

Wait, you're not falling for this.

Oh, my God, are you falling for this?

How could you fall for this?

Dude, did you not hear that story?

I think it really affected him.

I think so, too.

And I can't believe
I just agreed with someone

who put aluminum foil in the
microwave six times today.

I don't care what he said.
People don't just change.

Oh, really?

You're always talking
about how you've changed,

how you're all together
now with your fancy job

and your young-mom-
in-a-mini-van outfits.

"Young mom"?

Yeah.

This is cocktail sexy.

Oh, sure. Very... very sexy.

Um, by the way,
do you mind if I watch Shrek

on your back seat DVD player?
Is that okay?

You are so pretty.

Yo, Nick, did you notice my surprise?

I noticed those are my headphones.

Okay, look at this. Look, look, look.

I unloaded the dishwasher,
just like you asked.

Well, Shannon, thank you.
I am impressed.

Now, when you ran it,
did you use rinse aid

or just detergent?

When I ran what?

Coming.

Hi.

Oh, hey, Mom and Dad. What's up?

Oh, nothing.

We were just out for a little stroll,

and we thought that we would pop by

for a quick hello... Hello.

She's here for the Tupperware.

Mom, mo... There's still food in there.

You had your time.

I just wanted to thank you
guys for having my father over.

Oh, not a problem. And like I told you,

you never know someone's changed
until you give them a chance.

He did seem different.

I mean, he was charming, he was funny.

I've never seen him do karaoke before.

Who would have guessed
that he knew all the lyrics

to "Baby Got Back"?

It seems your father's
turned over a new leaf.

And that new charity he started?
Very impressive.

Charity?

Yes, the one for children.

He's very passionate about it.
What's it called?

- Poor Child Eats.
- Yes.

I wrote him a check for
it when I visited him

at the police station today.

- Come on, Rose.
- Mm. Bye.

Bye.

I knew it.
I knew Dad was working some angle.

What are you talking about?
Did you not just hear them?

He started a charity.

He doesn't have a charity.

Then what did my dad give money to?

Two grand on Poor Child Eats to win.

And if he does,
I'm taking you... Gloria,

to... Chipotle.

Of course you're here.

You are seriously the most
horrible person in the world.

Well, it's good to be
the best at something.

I can't believe the only
reason you came to dinner

was to scam Walt out of $2,000
so that you could bet on a horse.

Do you know how that makes me look?

I guess, by comparison, pretty good.

I had no choice, Clem, I told you.

I'm in deep with this bookie,

and I got the Geek Squad
guys breathing down my neck.

But if this bet hits,
everything's gonna be fine.

Come on, the race is about to start.

Let's watch it, like we used to.

Like we used to?

Does that mean you're gonna
give me a cigar to smoke, too?

You want one?

No. I didn't like cigars when I was 11,

- and I don't like them now.
- Come on, stay.

And they're off.

Call Me By Your Mane is
quick out of the gate,

followed closely by
A Horse With This Name

and No, You're the Puppet.

Right behind them, Poor Child
Eats is making an early charge.

Look at that, he's pulling up
on the outside. Come on, baby.

I don't care.

Bojack Horsehorse leaps into second

as Poor Child Eats is hanging tough.

Around the corner they come.

Could be anyone's race at this point.

- As the finish approaches...
- Come on.

...it's Poor Child Eats
pulling up on the rail.

- Poor Child Eats closing in.
- Come on.

It's Poor Child Eats by a nose!

- Yes!
- Yeah!

Yes! Yes!

You did it, Clem.
You picked another winner.

- Damn right I did.
- Just like old times, huh?

Yeah. Wait. No, don't even.

I'm still mad at you.

Hey, I know I wasn't the perfect father,

- but you turned out okay.
- No thanks to you.

Did you ever think there
was a method to my madness?

I mean, I knew I was no good,
so instead of half-assing it,

I zero-assed it.

- Excuse me?
- Yeah.

I figured if I didn't try at all,
you'd be forced

to sink or swim on your own,

and you swam.

I'm proud of you, Clem.

There was no philosophy.

You were just a terrible father.

Yeah, but the "zero-assed"
thing sounded pretty good.

The truth is I am proud of you.

And you got to admit,
we had some good times, right?

Yeah, I guess we did.

Occasionally.

You know, in baseball, if you hit .300,

you're in the Hall of Fame.

And in parenting,
if you use the ball pit at IKEA

as a babysitter,
you get a call from Child Services.

I did get a call.

The woman was nice.
I took her to Mexico.

I'm so sorry about my dad,
but at least I was able

to get your money back.

Oh, don't worry, sweetheart.

These things happen, especially to Walt.

He bought a time share in India.

We went there to see it, and guess what?

No time share.

I am so sorry I pressured you into
inviting your father to the wedding.

Sometimes I just need to back
off and mind my own business.

No, you know what,
if you hadn't done that,

I wouldn't have had the first
nice moment I've had with him

in years, so... thank you.

Well, if you change your mind
and you do want

to invite him to the wedding,
you just say the word,

and I will give your daddy an STD.

You wouldn't be the first.

You okay?

Yeah. I just feel like a giant idiot
for believing that Dad changed.

No, don't.

It's good that you still have hope.

It's completely misguided,
but hold onto it.

For what it's worth,

I'm happy I'm living
with you guys and not him.

- Mm.
- Oh, my parents took off?

Yeah, they split.
I was just about to tell Shannon

how happy we are that
she's living with us.

Right, Nick?

♪ I like big butts and I cannot lie ♪

♪ You other brothers can't deny ♪

♪ When a girl walks in
with an itty bitty waist ♪

♪ And a round thing in
your face you get sprung ♪

- Ah!
- ♪ Want to pull up tough ♪

♪ 'Cause you notice
that butt was stuffed ♪

♪ Deep in the jeans she's wearing ♪

♪ I'm hooked, and I can't stop staring ♪

♪ Oh, baby, I want to get wit'cha ♪

♪ And take your picture ♪

♪ My homeboys tried to warn me ♪

♪ But with that butt you got ♪

- ♪ Makes me so horny ♪
- ♪ Me so horny ♪

♪ Use me, use me ♪

♪ 'Cause you ain't
that average groupie. ♪

Ow!