Faking It (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 4 - Know Thy Selfie - full transcript

Amy gets Shane's help to find out if she's into boys or girls.

- Time to occupy hester!

Liam's really
into this protest,

So I'm gonna be
the protestiest protester

Who ever protested.

- I am so sick of the way

You've been acting lately,
and for what?

So some boy you hardly know
will fall in love with you.

- I'm oliver.

I finally meet a girl I like,
and she's a lesbian.

Karma and I
are faking it.

At least karma is.

I'm not so sure.

It's been 12 hours
and 32 minutes of silence.

That's ten more minutes
than when you got

Your tonsils out.

I can't stand not talking.
I'm in physical pain.

Please call me back.

And you were right
about liam booker.

I don't know
what I was thinking.

I'm sorry, and I miss you.


No. No.


- Welcome.

Why can't
I have normal parents?

trouble in paradise?

- Things are complicated.

Well, perhaps this crane
will lift

Your spirits with its wings.

Dorky fact...I'm learning
the captivating art

Of japanese origami.

- Okay, thanks, oliver.

Hey, what are you doing
right now?

Going to school
like a normal person.

Did you snort some meth
this morning?

I need you to help me find
a girlfriend. I think.

Amy, you already
have a girlfriend.

If these people find out
you're faking it,

They will lynch you
and not even notice the irony.

Well, I'm not faking it,
and that's the problem.

If I'm having these feelings
for karma,

Then I must be a lesbian.

Whoa. I think it's too soon
to bust out the label maker.

You're the one who outed me
to the whole school, remember?

Yes, but now I realize
you're much more complicated.

And interesting.

Well, yesterday
I kissed oliver,

And I didn't feel anything.

Why didn't I feel anything?

He makes really cool cranes.

Shocking you didn't jump him
right there.

Look, if I find
a real girlfriend,

Then my fake girlfriend
can go back

To being my best friend.

- That's what this is about?

These feelings
are killing me.

Yesterday I blew up at her
because I was jealous of liam.

Who does that?

Trashy women on reality tv,
that's who.

Help me.

- I'm going to agree,

Both because I can see
you're in pain

And because I'm dying to see
how this plays out.

d oh, you got me going,
got me going d

It was interfering
with your chakra,

So we just need to cover 'em up,

There you go.
Oh, so much better.

- You guys.

- What are you doing here?

I know,
isn't this so exciting?

No, no.
This isn't exciting.

Please go somewhere else.
I mean, we live in austin.

There's always
a stupid festival.

Well, honey,
where better to sell

Organic juice
than at school?

And besides, we want to show
our support for you,

Our proud lesbian daughter.

Oh, lucas, show her
the sign.


I mean, wow.

It really pops, doesn't it?

- No! No!

I allowed you to take
that photo.

I didn't give you permission
to blow it up,

Just like I didn't give you
permission to be here.

- Well, the truth is,

We could use the money.

What do you mean
you could use the money?

- Don't worry.

No, a few good days
and we'll be fine.

I promise.
- Honey.

If you want us to...pbbt...

- Okay, you can stay.

I'll come back after everyone's
gone to help clean up.

But keep that sign rolled up.

- Okay.

- Hey.

Did you get my text?

I wanted to tell you
how great that song was.

- Well, you've told me.

You can die happy.

- She didn't mean that.

She gets a little snippy
when she's fighting

With her girlfriend.

Not that I have ever met
that girl before.

I'm a little psychic.

- Women, you know, they...
- let me see.

Oh, yes, that's constricted.
- Oh.

You are in dire need
of a dragonheart shot,

On the house.

And it comes with a free hug.

- Wow. Thanks.

- You seem uncomfortable.

Yeah, I don't really come
from a family of huggers.

- Oh, you poor thing.

Just relax and enjoy.

I'm humiliated.
Everybody is staring at me.

Wow, they're being
so discreet,

You can't even tell.

- Tommy asked me to sext him,

So I sent a photo of me
in my bra.

I know everybody's seen it.

I don't know
what I was thinking.

- You should've used snapchat.

- Obviously.

hey, what's up, bro?

- Check it out. Look at this.
- Oh.

I knew it.

Tommy ortega!

I knew I never
have sent you tha...

I put a crown
on mr. Squiggles.

- Oh. Thank god.

I was worried
you were showing these guys

What I sent you
last night.

- Don't worry, I deleted it.

I know you don't want that
getting around.

- No. Wouldn't want that.

- Welcome to the twain.

Lesbian coffee shop by day,

Gay bar by night,

And ne'er the twain shall meet.

Wow, I've never seen
this many lesbians in the wild.

Well, you asked.
I delivered.

So first things first.
What's your flavor?

We got your lipsticks,

We got your sporties,

You got
your kristen stewart groupies.

Or are you more classic butch?


I have to pick a favorite?

I don't know.

I like her belt.

Who here makes
your no-no place say yes-yes?

- That's the problem.

I didn't have those feelings
for karma until we kissed.

I guess I have to start kissing
some lesbians.

Or you could
just start by...

Shoot me a look
if you need me.

Creators, protectors,
and nurturers.

We get our strength from gaia,
mother earth.

And when I look into
all of your beautiful faces,

I see just how powerful
we are.

- Aw.
- Hey, mom, how are you?

meet my parents.

Karma, you're acting
very erratic.

Just this morning
you didn't want anyone

To know we were related.

- I was joking.

I'm proud to be
a part of this family.

Where's my kale suit?
I'll help pass out samples.

Oh, your friend liam
has that covered.

Oh, but you can clean
the juicer.

It's full of pulp.

d do you ever think
about me? d

d I think about you

d I remember
that time in my life d

d and I wonder, do you?

d meeting in between class

d thinking all about us

- Hi.
- d kissing in between class

d thinking all about us

d I'm drowning in d

d I cannot swim
in memories, memories d

d I'm drowning in,
I cannot swim d

- Hey, what you studying?
- Anatomy.

That could come
in handy one day.

- Hopefully.

I really want to go
to med school.

Why bother when
we can play doctor right now?

- You're joking.


- d I think about you

d I remember that time
in my life d

d and I wonder, do you?
- Oh.

- I'm so sorry.

Do you want
to get out of here?

- Yeah.

- You do?
- Hell yeah.

Let's go to my car.

- Oh, uh...

Am I right?

- I have a girlfriend.

d oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh d

I shot you a look.
You were supposed to be looking.

I had to look away.
It was too gory.

- Was I that bad?

Eh, you were lewd
and aggressive

And overly sexual.

And that works for gay guys,

But lesbians don't want
to just hook up.

You know, they want to bond,
and they want to nest,

And they want to fall in love
and let themselves go.

sounds amazing.

How do we make this happen?

There's an app for that.
It's called syzzr.

- And upload.


- "about me:

"the best way to get
to know who I am

Is to understand
the things I hate"?

- What? It's true.

I can't date someone
who likes reggae.

"or someone who wears
sunglasses inside

Or someone who pays for jeans
with holes in them"?

This profile makes you sound
a wee bit negative.

I'm already faking
one relationship.

If I'm gonna have a real one,
I want her to like me for me.

That's not
how online dating works.

If you get a hit off this,

It'll be a...


Bet she's a bow-wow.

Only desperate people
respond that fast.

Oh, my god, super cute.

- You're so lucky.

Molly and lucas
seem like great parents.

- "molly and lucas"?

Look, I don't know what
you're up to, but cut it out.

- What is your deal?

This morning I came to tell you
how much I liked your song,

And you treated me like
I'd groped you in an elevator.

- Oh, you know what you did.
- No, I don't.

Can one of you help me compost
these vegetable scraps?

- I got it.

Liam was just leaving.

- Aww.

I'm really gonna miss you.

- I'll miss you too.

Oh, I almost forgot.
Your share of the tips.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I can't take that.

- You wore a kale suit.

No one should do that
for free.

I was just having fun
hanging out with you two.


You remind me so much
of my beautiful zen.

Doesn't he remind you so much
of our beautiful zen?

Wow. Trippy.

- Who's zen?

it's karma's older brother.

He just dropped out of amherst

To dig wells
in rural zimbabwe.

He's a special soul.

with passion and integrity

Just like you.

- "integrity"?

Liam wouldn't know
what integrity was

If he searched for it
on skwerkel.

- You saw.
- Saw what?

Saw you protesting
all day against the man.

Or the woman from skwerkel.

The one you slept with,
remember her?

- I didn't sleep with her.

because you're so discriminating

In that department...

- She's my sister!

Thank you for today.

I don't know,
it's a little

"I'm trying to be
a professional lesbian."

- Should I be more lipstick?

I could steal a dress
from lauren

And then sedate myself,
so I'd wear it.

What happened to just wanting
to be yourself?

That was
before she was cute.

And "myself" would wear my
doughnut shirt and bacon sweats.

It is unfortunate
that your favorite clothes

Are food-themed.

If I hold it,
I'll answer it.

I haven't spoken to karma
in 15 hours and 26 minutes,

And my resistance
is cracking.

This has to work.
- Relax.

You're putting way too much
pressure on yourself

And way too much pressure
on jessica.


- Jasmine.
- yeah, right.


I keep wanting to make
a magic carpet joke,

But I will just keep it classy
and wish you luck.

And you're right.

We'll just take it slow
and get to know each other.

Yep, don't let her
rub your bottle

Until at least
the second date,

Okay, genie?

- Aren't you coming?

- I'll wait here for you.

You got this.

- Okay.

Here goes.


Wrong angle. Bad lighting.
Add filter.

- Shut the door!


Since I came out,
there's not a single day

There's not
some sort of snide comment.

It's no hester.

I heard about
your lesbian homecoming queens.

Sounds like a gay hogwarts.

Yeah, it's really open
and accepting.

And now I feel bad
for hating it.

No, it's cool, it's still
high school, you know.

Yeah, I don't know
why they keep making

Movies and tv shows about it.

I think it's so we won't
forget how terrible it was...

Both: Like world war ii.

So I got a vespa.

Last weekend
I rode it to canyonlands,

And my parents freaked...

Whoa. Dude.

- I'm so sorry.

- Arch your back.

Chin up.


No, up.

Can you just take
the damn picture?

Do you want him
to forward this

To the whole school or not?

Trust me.

d yeah, you got
your bored look all worked out d

- Wow, I look...

- Banging...I know.

And you didn't even have
to show your boobs.

I just can't stop changing
lives today.

d on entry-level
middle class d

Come on.
Come on.

- d pretty and ridiculous
- thank you.

- Hallelujah.

- Still hate you.
- Still hate you too, boo.


Jacket, please.

I'll send you
the dry-cleaning bill.

Can we just pretend
that didn't happen?

That coffee shop brings out
the worst in me.

As much as I'd like
to think that kiss

Is because you find me

I'm sensing
there's something else going on.

I kissed my best friend,
karma, and now,

Nothing makes sense.

- Oh. Been there, sister.

- Seriously?

- Oh, yeah.

Being with her
was torture.

Not being with her
was torture.

I wanted to tell her but knew
I'd risk everything if I did.

Yeah, exactly.
What did you do?

- I finally told her.

- And?

And...I'm on a date
with you.

- Oh.


Maybe your situation
will be different.

But if things crash and burn,
call me.

Maybe I can help you
pick up the pieces.

- Look, about earlier,

I came to apologize.

I'm sorry, all right?

When I saw you leaving
the protest with her,

I just jumped
to conclusions.

Apology accepted.
Now if you'll excuse me.

If the skwerkel lady is
your sister, then...

Why were you protesting?

My family is complicated.
You wouldn't understand.

Maybe not,
but I'd like to try.

My sister is being groomed
to take over the company

Once my dad retires.

Your dad is the head
of skwerkel?

- Yep, he founded it.

Shane is
the only other person who knows.

So please
do not tell anyone.

- I won't.

Wow, skwerkel's worth

A lot of juice trucks.

Money has made
my family secretive,

Image-obsessed ass.

I want nothing to do with it
or them.

- That sucks.

Yeah, and that's not even
the half of it.

It's more up
than you could ever imagine.

- What do you mean?

I don't want
to get into it.

- Okay.

Well, if you ever do,
I'm here.

- Thanks.

And if it makes you
feel any better,

My parents are
image-obsessed too.

I mean,
not because of money,

But they're just
so into being alternative.

We talk way too much
about chakras.

Oh, let's call
child protective services.

I'm just saying,
I never really felt like

They got me
until I came out,

And now they're so excited.

I'm worried they think
my sexual orientation

Is the most interesting thing
about me.

I don't know
why I'm telling you all this.

- It isn't.

- d do you care

The most interesting thing
about you.


- d to stay home?


d 'cause I don't think d

d that I could
go out there d

d I've got plans d

d that I can't stop
thinking of d

- It's okay.

I'm ready.

- d if you want, baby

- I'm sorry.

I can't.

- d to stay home

- Finally.

I swear
I was just skimming it.

Though that crush
on the lifeguard last summer,

Interesting twist.

So was it love
at first sight?

She was really cool.
I was a hot mess.

- Okay, moving on.

Internet dating is
a numbers game.

Let's get back on the horse.

I don't want to meet
another girl.

- A boy?

I don't want to meet
another boy.

- That limits your options.

It won't make these feelings
for karma go away.

Well, then at least
we know what you are.

- We do?

- You're a karma-sexual.

Why don't you just tell her
how you feel?

She's been my best friend
since kindergarten.

If I tell her,
things will get weird,

And we'll drift apart
until one day

We'll meet in line
at the grocery store

And say polite hellos and...

Pretend like
we didn't once know

Everything there was to know
about each other.

Or you tell her
and she feels the same way,

And you two
live happily ever after.

- Yeah, right.

- I've seen you two together.

She's always kissing you
or holding your hand.

It's pretty clear
she loves you.

As a friend.

Oh, she's been texting you
all day.

I've never seen
so much emoji abuse.

She's clearly got
her own version

Of your crazy going on.

- No, it's not the same.

- How do you know?

Maybe, just maybe,
she feels the same way about you

But is also too scared
to say anything.

After all, it takes two people
to make a good kiss.

What about her obsession
with liam?

- Classic overcompensation.

I pined after emily michaels,

The most unavailable girl
in third grade,

Because deep down, I didn't
want her to be available.

Happens all the time.

You'll never figure this out
by hiding from her.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I've got a date
with that cute barista.

- Karma?


Karma, jeez!
Shut up.

Girls weekend?
- And I promise,

No talking about lesbians
or liam booker.

Karma, you've got this
all wrong.

- It's over between us.

Lauren has been organizing
your shower?

And she's got
a real gift for it.

Staff meeting
in the kitchen, now!

- I could've helped.

Hey, you up
for a hunting trip?

Pick you up in an hour.
- Oh, my god. Look.

Both: The twins.