Faking It (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 5 - Remember the Croquembouche - full transcript

Previously on Faking It...

My stupid daddy had to
sign up for Christian mingle

and fall for a weather girl.

I'm not thrilled our
parents are engaged either,

but don't piss me off.

I can't stand not talking.
Please call me back.

Why don't you just tell her how you feel?

She's been my best
friend since kindergarten.

There's something going
on between Karma and Liam.

- I'm ready.
- I'm sorry, I can't.

[Door creaks]



Karma... Jeez!

Cookie dough, four
types of cake frosting...

[Gasps] and, oh, what's this?

All five "Twilight" movies on DVD. Hmm.

Shut up. Girls weekend?

I miss "Just Us" time.

I feel like I've hardly seen
you since we became a couple.

It's definitely changed things.

But this weekend isn't good.

It's my mom's lame bridal shower.

- Save yourself.
- From what?

Eating crab cakes and making fun
of people with my best friend?

And I promise, no talking about school,

lesbians, or Liam Booker.



- Can you handle the withdrawal?
- Ha ha ha, very funny.

And there's nothing to talk about.

- It's over between us.
- We could talk about that.

Mm, nope, just wanna spend the weekend

laughing at your stupid fart jokes.

I didn't even know your
phone had an off setting.

I am that serious.

The next 48 hours are all about you and me.

I'll go get the knives. That
frosting won't eat itself.

- Amazing, huh?
- Yeah.

Just this morning, this
looked like a kitchen.

Now it's Martha Stewart's
prison cell. What happened?

It's her bridal shower,
not her 90th birthday.

Don't call back till it's right.

I don't know how I would have
handled all of this without you.

Not another word,
everything will be perfect.

You deserve nothing less. Bring it in.

Aw. [Laughs]

- No freaking way.
- Amy, didn't notice you there.

With all those earth
tones, you blend right in.

[Sighs] Lauren has been
organizing your shower?

And she's got a real gift for it.

I could have helped.

Well, honey, you've been busy with Karma.

But don't worry, Lauren
stepped up in a big way.

She even ordered a croquembouche.

A what?

Hello? A croquembouche?

It's only the hottest,
most of-the-moment dessert.

"InStyle" did a whole spread on them.

- I must have missed that.
- Oh, Farrah,

I'm picking up the croquembouche tomorrow.

It's from Tres Jolie in Dallas.

There's usually a six-week waiting list,

but the owner's a family friend.

Okay, have fun with your croquey thingy,

and I'll see you at the shower.

I'll be bringing Karma. She's staying over.

You know, I'm not sure it's appropriate

if Amy's girlfriend
stays over for the shower.

You know, it might make
our guests uncomfortable.

- Huh.
- What is happening?

I mean, I wouldn't be allowed

to have a boyfriend stay over, would I?

It's a bit of a double standard.

I've met your boyfriend.
Clearly, you have no standards.

Amy, that's enough.

Uh, Karma can stay,

but I want you two to help
Lauren out with the shower.

Uh, no need. I've got everything covered.

Why don't they keep you
company on that trip to Dallas?

Oh, it'll give you two a chance to bond.

I mean, after all, soon you'll be sisters.

- Both: But...
- I'm the bride!

- [Car horns honking]
- [...] Dallas traffic!

This wouldn't be happening
if you hadn't insisted

on waiting until the
end of your stupid show.

We had to find out if
she said yes to the dress.

It's kind of the whole point.

And you're the one who wanted
to go all the way to Dallas.

Don't they make these cakes back in Austin?

Again, it's not a cake,
it's a croquembouche,

and Tres Jolie is the
finest bakery in the state.

[Whispering] Wow.

You've really gone all out.
Too bad it's for nothing.

What are you talking about?

I know you're just sucking up
to my mom to make me jealous,

and I couldn't care less.

[Chuckles] Please.

I don't need schemes to make
you jealous... just a mirror.

Okay, who wants to play 20 questions?

I love 20 questions. What a game.

You are a pretentious little...

What are you doing?

I just want to have fun together.

- [Sighs]
- Play 20 questions with me.

Please?

Okay.

- Got one.
- Is it someone you hate?

Mm-hmm.

- Matthew McConaughey.
- Mm-mm.

Uh, Bristol Palin.

Come on, get your head in the game.

[Gasps] Judi Dench!

- Finally.
- Yes!

Hey, you up for a hunting trip?

Where are we going?

I'm down for anywhere

except for that place
with the mechanical bull.

- I'm not allowed back.
- Yup, I remember.

- I'm thinking the twain.
- You sure?

I'm fine with going to a straight bar.

I find your people's mating
ritual very entertaining.

[Laughs] Yeah, but gay bars are always

full of straight girls, fresh off breakups.

The gays are good for the self-esteem.

And I'm good for some
mind-blowing rebound sex.

- [Scoffs]
- I'll pick you up in an hour.

Roger that, Romeo.

[Sighs]

Wow, you really got a knot right here.

Mm-hmm. Mmm.

You two can stop acting
like lesbians now, okay?

I know the truth.

We're not acting like lesbians.

We're acting like best friends.

Please, I was worried you were gonna ask me

to crawl back there and
join you for a threesome.

- Ugh, you wish.
- Eww.

Ooh, okay, thinking of a person.

Not [Bleep] 20 questions again.

I think it's so sweet that
your best friend is gay.

My ex was such a homophobe.

Yeah, I don't really see gay or straight.

I just see the person.

Aww, that's so sweet! [Laughs]

And look how well your Shane
is getting along with my Nate.

That's adorable.

So what's your favorite movie?

My favorite films explore
the emotional destruction

caused by 9/11.

You know what?

I just realized my parents
are getting divorced,

and I no longer believe in love.

Please excuse me.

[Giggles]

I'm so sorry. Excuse me.

Killing me, Shane. Four rip cords?

And always right as I'm about to close.

Have you seen what I'm working with?

They're all tragic.

Do you think it's some sort of theme night?

Yeah, and the theme is
"Stop being so picky,

- and let me score."
- Okay.

I'm giving you 20 more
minutes, and then we're leav...

Oh, my God, look.

Both: The twins.

We haven't had a twin sighting since...

September 17th, 9:22 PM.

That was when Peter checked me out.

[Laughs] I believe he was checking me out.

No need to argue since he's
checking me out right now.

Really? I hadn't noticed.

I'm too busy eye-humping his sister Petra.

[Both imitate whooshing]

Simone! Simone!

It's okay, Lauren.

We have time to get another cake.

Oh! For the last time, it's not a cake,

it's a croquembouche!

Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Love Hewitt,

Halle Berry each had
croquembouches at their showers.

I read Kim Kardashian is
serving a croquembouche

made out of thousands
of tiny croquembouches!

[Laughs]

I'm sorry, you just said "Croquembouche,"

like, a hundred times.

You're a horrible person.

No wonder your mother
made me her maid of honor.

[Door opens]

Oh, Simone, you almost gave me a coronary.

Oh, Lauren, thank God you're here.

They have all these questions.

I've got answers. Now,
you just go get ready.

I've got this covered.

Staff meeting in the kitchen now!

[Laughs]

Oh, would you look at that?

Isn't it stunning?

No, it's shockingly heavy.

And you made Lauren your maid of honor?

Oh, honey, I was gonna tell you.

I know how you hate
doing these girly things.

Lauren loves it.

Doesn't it seem strange to
you just how much she loves it?

She couldn't stand you a few weeks ago.

Sure, we got off to a rocky start,

but we've grown really close, and I thought

officially calling her
my maid of honor would be

a nice way to show her that
she's part of the family now.

Oh, I thought I was doing you a favor.

Farrah, we're live in
15! You should be dressed!

We'll talk later, okay?

[Sighs]

That sucks, Amy. I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

Lauren may have won this
battle, but I will win the war.

Okay, Amy, settle. I recognize this look.

Remember when you
thought that Cody Goldfine

blew off your secret Santa gift,

and we toilet-papered
his house to punish him?

The same house we later
learned was in foreclosure?

How bad did you feel?

Bad, but this is different. Lauren...

This isn't about Lauren.

This is about your mom

and her inability to
give you what you need.

No, I think Lauren is up to something.

Even if she is trying to upset you,

you can't let her, okay?
That's what she wants.

Yeah, you're right. [Sighs]

What would I ever do without you?

Lucky for you, we never have to find out.

You two, get a room.

I'm serious.

You're standing where the
bridal throne is going.

Hmm.

I don't really see gay or straight.

I just see the person.

That's how I feel!

Ask Peter, I say it all the time.

I would, but he looks a little busy.

I think Shane really likes him.

Of course he does.

What's not to like? He's
handsome, charming...

Both: Well-read, a terrific dancer.

Oh, and her face is perfectly symmetrical.

Your face looks pretty symmetrical to me.

Not like Petra's.

Gee, Petra sounds pretty perfect.

Too bad you're gay and her brother.

Yeah.

Did you know that "Petra" is
derived from the Greek word,

"Petros," which means "Rock"? [Chuckles]

I guess you could say she's my rock.

Twins just have this bond.

I can't exactly explain it,

but we don't even use words
most of the time, just...

What is your groom's favorite meal?

Look at Vanna White up there.

Deep breaths. They're almost done.

Favorite meal?

My chili, of course.

- He said, "A rib eye steak."
- Oh!

- All: Aw.
- Ugh.

I shouldn't be too surprised.
Your father has zero taste.

You remember when we went to Luc's?

Oh, and he asked them to bring him...

Both: Plain pasta with butter sauce!

[Both laughing]

- [Glass shatters]
- [Gasps]

I just got so excited you went to Luc's.

It's my favorite restaurant.

What did everybody order?

Okay, we're just gonna
get a broom real fast,

clean that up.

Everything's fine.

Aren't their cheddar biscuits so good?

Okay, next question. I'm so good at this.

People think modeling is
easy, but it is so hard.

Here's Halloween 2010.

Petra's Harry Potter from the books,

and I'm Harry Potter from the movies.

Note the subtle differences.

Wow, looks like even more
fun than Halloween 2009.

Nothing was more fun than Halloween 2009.

[Spits]

Good evening. I'm gonna
need to see your IDs.

Can I have all of you
take your IDs out, please?

Come on. Come on. Come on!

- We have to go now.
- No, not yet!

- What's your address?
- What?

Yeah, she wants me to
come back to her place.

I may have to wear her
brother's clothes, but worth it.

You'll have to smell the
flowers in her attic later.

We're leaving.

Oh, I'm so glad we're going home together.

Yeah, me too.

This is from me.

They're all the songs we used
to listen to on long car rides.

- All: Aww!
- Amy, this is so sweet!

How did you even find all of these?

Thank you so much.

Farrah, just a heads-up,

we're eight minutes behind schedule.

Oh, okay.

- That [Bleep]...
- You're fine.

In an hour,

you will be blissfully
hate-watching Twilight.

- This next one is from me.
- Lauren.

Oh, you've already done too much.

- [Women gasping]
- It's something old,

so now you just need to find something new.

Ohh!

- You're my something new!
- All: Aww!

- [Laughs]
- All: Aww!

[Amy clapping slowly]

- Here we go.
- Wow, Lauren.

Bravo. What a touching
speech. Oscar-worthy, really.

Amy, what are you doing?

This has gone on long enough, Mother.

There's something you need to know,

something you all need to know.

What you just saw was an act.

Amy, sweetums, could I
see you in the kitchen?

Lauren is not the doting
stepdaughter-to-be.

She wants you to think
she is... She hates my mom.

[Gasps]

She just did all this to get to me.

She's a sociopath.

I am not. Okay, she's the crazy one.

Look at the level of detail
she put into this phony shower,

these perfect decorations,
the touching gift,

this fancy-pants... cake?

It's... a... croquembouche!

Whatever it is, it looks delicious.

Take from the top.
Please take from the top.

I don't know, this one
right here at the bottom

just looks so bouchey!

[All gasping]

Amy!

- How dare you?
- How dare you?

Mom, I know this is hard
to hear, but Lauren is...

[All gasping]

Amy!

Amy, let's go powder our nose!

All your fault!

Girls!

- Oh!
- [All gasping]

Both of you, to your rooms, now!

This isn't gonna come out
of my hair until I shower.

That's what she said. [Chuckles]

Classy.

Are you adopted? Because you
are nothing like your mother.

Whom you hate.

Stop saying I hate her. I don't!

We've spent time together,
and now I like her, okay?

We both enjoy shopping and
pedicures and yogalates,

and even though she's
20 years older than me,

she's the best friend I
have in this stupid town.

Hey. You okay?

I don't know what came over me.

[Knocking at the door]

I'm sorry, Karma, you'll have
to pack your things and go.

Mom, let me explain.

Why would you want to ruin my special day?

Is this some sort of payback

because I'm having a hard time
accepting you're a lesbian?

No, mom, I didn't do it on purpose.

I want to believe you, but...

I'm not sure who you are anymore.

You can take some food
home with you if you like.

Unfortunately, we're short on dessert.

[Door closes]

We were about to get arrested
for underage drinking,

and I'm too pretty to do hard time.

- [Scoffs]
- What is with you tonight?

I just wanted to get laid, okay?

You blink, and skirts come off.

Why so desperate?

There's this girl, and we were about to...

you know.

Have sexual intercourse?

Yeah. Then I couldn't.

- You? Couldn't?
- No, I could've, trust me.

But as we got close, it just felt wrong,

and now we left things
weird, and I don't know,

now she hasn't been answering my texts.

Maybe you're just not into her.

That's the thing. I can't
stop thinking about her.

I was hoping tonight would
cleanse my palate, so to speak.

- Liam likes a girl!
- Shut up!

[Laughs] You tried to
have a classic Liam Booker,

cheap art studio hookup, but you couldn't,

because you love her, you have feelings.

No, I do not have feelings
for her, and even if I did,

it wouldn't matter 'cause
she has a girlfriend!

Oh, no. No, no, not Karma.

Shane, you seriously can't say anything.

It's supposed to be a secret.

Oh, man, I knew Karma had a crush on you,

but I didn't think it had gotten that far.

Liam, this is bad.

They have an open
relationship... it's fine.

Really? So if Amy knew about this,

you honestly think she'd be okay with it?

I don't get it... you never hook
up with girls with boyfriends.

Why would a girl with a
girlfriend be any different?

That must be why it felt wrong.

I have too much integrity!

Uh-huh, which is why you should end this.

Good call. Thank you.

You tried to warn me, but I didn't listen,

and now I've ruined girls weekend.

- Hey, I still had fun.
- Yeah?

What was more fun, the
five hours of traffic

or hand-scrubbing cream
puffs out of the rug?

I always have fun with you.

And I think your mom's an idiot

for not making you her maid of honor

or seeing how amazing you are.

Yeah, just not amazing
at, like, party games

or seating charts or knowing

what desserts are "Of the Moment."

So what?

When I get married,
you'll be my maid of honor,

and you can...

get a cake from the
supermarket for all I care.

And then, when you get married,

I'll be your maid of
honor, and let's be honest,

I'll probably do a better job.

And then, we'll get houses
next door to each other,

and we'll grow old together,

and when we're old ladies in
our rockers, we'll be like,

- "Remember that croquembouche?"
- [Laughs]

And we'll laugh and laugh.

Maybe we should just marry each other.

My mom would love that.

Who cares what your mom thinks?

I'm your family.

I know, and I'm so lucky.

You're dying to talk
about Liam, aren't you?

Oh! We were about to have
sex, and then he pulled away,

and I think it's because
he's not attracted to me.

That's impossible.

[Inaudible dialogue]

[Sighs]

Hey.

Hey.

So is it a coincidence that you're standing

outside of my house?

I tried to text you.

You did?

My phone was off.

It was girls weekend.

Then again, every weekend is girls weekend

when you're a lesbian, right?

Look, I wanted to explain.

- Please don't.
- No, listen.

- I pulled away 'cause...
- You're not attracted to me.

It's fine, I get it. I
mean, you're Liam Booker.

You could have any girl you want.

Be free, hook up with
every hottie in the school.

Don't try to make it work with some lesbian

you're not into.

- Karma.
- I said be free!

Karma, you've got this all wrong.

I do?

Of course I'm attracted to you.

How could I not be?

I do have one leg that's
shorter than the other.

[Chuckles]

[Laughs]

- It's Amy.
- Amy?

Oh, right, Amy, my girlfriend.

Look, maybe you two are okay
with this sneaking around thing,

but I'm not.

I tried to be, but it's just not who I am.

I understand.

I wish there was a way
that we could do this.

Trust me.

I'm sorry.

We could have a threesome.

Synced by YesCool

Corrected by explosiveskull

Next on Faking It...

- Would you?
- No, Karma, I would not have

a [Bleep] threesome with you and Liam.

One does not suggest a
three-way with one's BFF.

All willy-nilly.

Oh, we're picking the time right now.

I think we should rehearse.

- I'll undo your coat.
- [Chuckles]

I know you think Pablo's
cute, but it'll never happen.

Trust me. I've got the moves.