Fakes (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript
Things are less than ideal.
Day 2 since Tryst went full
multi-level marketing on us.
Zoe's handling things...
poorly.
Argh!!!!!
Help me get this log
into the sea!
Ahhhhhhh!!!!!
I know.
I worry about her
sometimes too.
What? It's legal here.
Hm.
"To whom
it may concern:
"Your selling of fraudulent
identification
"has been brought to
our company's attention.
"You have been selling at
the Holy Child Catholic School,
"most notable as our turf.
"We are multi-talented assassins
trained in Jujutsu and Krav Maga
"and we are very angry.
"Stop selling fakes or die.
"Yours truly, Kurbstomp_69."
Zoe won't take this well.
"To whom
it may concern:
"Your selling of fraudulent-
Shit! Fuck! Shit!
Hey, Z. Is this yours?
Ok, so we have four days,
12 hours and...
What is that?
It's a cigarillo.
They're Spanish.
Y'all good?
Hey, Tryst.
What's up?
Oh.
Very dank cigarillo.
Hey, did you guys know
apparently your non-dominant
index finger
is the best one to lose?
Hm.
Crazy, right?
You would have thought it would
have been your pinky finger
but, fun fact, just learned
it today.
Hm.
Anyway, how's
the ID stuff going?
Great.
Dank.
Anyway, I'll see you.
Bye, Tryst.
What the fuck was that?
Tryst being Tryst.
Resume.
You said you had a plan.
Right.
I did the math and I think
that we can make this work.
We have to go to the print shop
after school
and if we get
five-gallon EcoTanks
and have them
running continuously
from 4:00PM until 3:00AM,
until Saturday,
I think that we can swing 200.
Where did you get those?
Stocked your backseat pocket
here with snacks.
You what?
Just let me think, Zo!
Okay. Well, I hope that you're
checking the expiration dates
and eating them in
descending order.
Are you doing that?
Absolutely.
Urgh!
- What?
- Nothing!
Are you getting crumbs-
- Zoe look!
- What?
Gotcha.
Wow.
What's wrong?
I don't know.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit
oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!!!
Oh, my god!
Oh my god, oh my god,
oh my god...!
Everything ok?
What are you trying to print?
- Just something personal.
- Just some photos.
Personal photos.
It shouldn't make that noise.
Hey, Geoff, can you come
over here?
No, oh, no, no.
No Geoff. No Geoff!
No, Geoff, no, no, no!
That was way too close
and a dumb fucking idea.
What were we even thinking
trying to print in public.
Please, let me count.
One.
It's really not that cold.
Shut up, let me fuss.
Thank you.
"Listen here,
you little shits..."
"This is our turf."
Shit.
Where were you?
Out.
With you.
I can ask you
the same thing.
Sorry.
Ballet Zoe?
She should help you study.
Whatever.
Mah Mah...
Fuck you Kurbstomp!
Eat an actual dick!
Dude! Ever heard
of knocking?
Are you ok?
No, we're getting destroyed.
Same shitty clan.
What's their name?
What do you care?
I always care.
Kurbstomp_69.
- Ken, here, now.
- Hey!
Listen...
Dude! What the shit?
Fuck. I am so sorry. I didn't
ask for consent.
That was uncool.
Shut up.
Actually, wait, no.
I need a favour.
Mmmhmm?
I need your team.
Oh.
Yeah, they come
with a price.
Close your mouths.
- What?
- Nevermind.
Look, this is the plan, ok?
We need you guys to scare
the shit out of these kids, ok?
I'm sending their pics.
Rebecca.
Yes, Kennedy?
How old are these kids?
Because they look
like they're-
Young, I know.
But just stick to the script
that I wrote.
We're not traumatizing them,
we're just telling them
to leave us alone.
How hard of a tackle
do you want?
What the shit? No!
I literally just said
no tackles.
Boo!
My god, shut up!
Just scare them, okay, Ken?
You got it, babe.
Ok, boys! Wildcats on three!
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
One, two, three,
Wild Cats!!!!
Did you text Mom back?
No. No, not yet.
Anything important?
No, just Christmas stuff.
Is she coming home?
I don't know.
Ok.
Um, oh my god, you should
look over there!
Well, first time
that's come in handy.
Hey, buddy.
Ok. About that.
I can explain.
Why didn't you tell me
about this?
Well, you've seemed a little
stressed lately.
Oh, what?
And you haven't?
That's not what I mean.
What do you mean?
- I can sell this back.
- What?
- Yeah. Ikea as is.
- Oh, my god.
Ikea, as is.
- Zo, have some water, ok?
- Ok.
My reactions have been
completely justified.
Ok.
And... look at this.
The cropping's all wrong.
Oh shit.
Yeah, they're all like that.
Ok, we have to call
stranger danger
and then we have
to make sure that...
No, no, no, no.
Zo', Zo'. We totally
got this, ok?
We don't need no man, right?
Especially not me, I just
neutralized death threats.
It's physically impossible
for the two of us to do this.
Ok? And I have homework!
I have a life.
Breathe.
I mean, I think I have a life!
I don't know!
Zo, breathe.
Breathe, breathe.
Ok? Ok. I'll give you
his number, ok?
Ok.
Ready? 778-555-5253.
I 100 percent just made
that number up.
You gave me a fake number,
didn't you?
I gave you a fake number.
Good form.
Are you kidding me?
Look, you're not
thinking straight.
Ow! Zoe!
Look, if you're like this,
how am I supposed to give you
the number of a drug dealer
who sold fake IDs for us?
He's a drug dealer too?
Ah, shit.
Rebecca, what is your plan
because I promise you
your solution is not just
gonna walk through the door.
Wait for it.
Hey, is everything ok?
I heard yelling.
We are fine.
Ok.
Hey, B. Good call on
the no tackle rule.
We probably would have done
some serious damage to the lab.
When you say lab...
Not like a lab-lab,
like a photo lab.
Mostly printers, not like
a dark room or anything.
You know?
- Printers.
- Yeah.
They're printing these cards
or something,
I don't know.
Ken, can you get me
some tater-tots from the caf?
No way, it's Tot Tuesday?
- Uh-huh.
- I will be right back.
What?
Why do you have
a thinking face?
We'd like to request an audience
with your boss.
Welcome.
You've got to be
kidding me!
We're the ones who sent
the football bros.
How did you even find us?
You weren't exactly subtle
about taking our business.
We have to make
illegal ID's
for some Catholic High
School kids!
Well, I wouldn't have quite
described it like that.
So, how can we help you?
Sounds more like
how can we help you.
Seems like a really nice
set up you got here.
Would be a pity
if your parents
or your principal found out
about this.
How many are you
pumping out here?
Ten, fifteen fakes an hour?
We get by.
Tell that to me when half
of your staff is expelled
and the other half is suspended
till prom.
We're not scared of you.
Listen up, you little shit.
I've had a hell
of a week, ok?
You think I'm gonna let you be
another hiccup in my day?
Zoe, maybe we should-
And look at this?
Is this a joke?
The weight on this
isn't even in kilograms.
And a class 2 is not achievable
until the age of 19,
according to the new GDL
grading system.
These are garbage!
Oh shit.
Let's look at these.
Oh yeah, just like I thought.
Garbage, garbage,
garbage, garbage!
This? Garbage, garbage.
Goodbye. Garbage!
Oh, look at these,
they're so pretty.
Just kidding.
They're garbage!!!
The last time your IDs
were even valid was in 1998.
We have a proposition for you.
Bad ass! Bad ass!
Bad ass! Bad ass! Bad ass!
Shit
You know you could
just come in
and pick up your
grandmas yourselves?
Hi.
Oh. Bye, bye.
I love this sound.
Mah Mah.
Zoe?
We are.
Hey kid,
you need one more?
Uh, hell yes!
What up, dorks.
They're all here
on a Saturday?
Um, may I?
Miss Christiansen?
Hi. Remember, it's just Zoe.
Ok?
Oh, yeah ok.
How do you use
the burn tool?
First...
So about our payment.
Yeah, standard commission
stipend regulates
five percent of the sanctioned
prototypes value.
You, uh, do know what that is,
right Zack?
Of course I do,
of course I do.
Okay. It's good to know we're
working with professionals.
Mmmhmm.
Oh yeah.
These are... perfect.
You guys nailed it!
Well done.
Oh my god.
It was all Zoe.
I mean, this girl,
on a computer?
No, no, no.
Becca, she, created this whole
filing imperfection system.
Stop.
Right on, right one.
You know, alright. Whatever.
Alright.
Here you are.
Careful for the handles.
You know, probably should
have double bagged it.
- Thanks.
- Oh my god.
- Holy fuck!
- Oh, my god.
You girls are cool as shit,
you know that?
We are?
Oh yeah.
You ever want to make more,
hit me up.
But, in the meantime...
Uh...
Come on. Bring it in.
You know you want to.
Bring it in.
Bring it in.
- Ok.
- Ok.
- Feel it? Feel it?
- Yeah, yeah, I feel ya.
Ok.
I'll see you around, Bandidas.
Deuces.
- Hey.
- Hey.
It's kind of nice
to hang out.
Yeah. It's been kind of weird
not doing business stuff
every day.
Have you talked
to Tryst recently?
Nope.
No reason to call him.
He wasn't so bad
in the end.
If only someone
told you so.
Yeah, I know, it was
actually fun.
Yeah, it was.
It, um, kind of made me think
of Chilli or Die.
Oh my god. Me too!
- Really?
- Yeah.
And that it was so spicy
I actually thought
I was gonna die because
we ran out of milk.
Um, yeah. You made me kind of
sign a will, remember?
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
I totally did.
Wait, didn't we like add more
ghost peppers the next time too?
I don't know what was wrong
with us.
You know what?
It was a good rush.
This last week was
a good rush too.
Yeah.
I miss it.
Me too.
Everything just tasted
so bland after.
So boring.
I bet Zoe skips
all of this.
So, I've been thinking...
Is this what I think it is?
Ok, ladies, what
is so important
that you couldn't tell me
over the phone?
I like your car.
Thank you.
Cool. Ok, I'm gonna
leave now.
Wait. Uh, we want
to make more.
I have some ideas.
Oh?
Let me hear them.
Day 2 since Tryst went full
multi-level marketing on us.
Zoe's handling things...
poorly.
Argh!!!!!
Help me get this log
into the sea!
Ahhhhhhh!!!!!
I know.
I worry about her
sometimes too.
What? It's legal here.
Hm.
"To whom
it may concern:
"Your selling of fraudulent
identification
"has been brought to
our company's attention.
"You have been selling at
the Holy Child Catholic School,
"most notable as our turf.
"We are multi-talented assassins
trained in Jujutsu and Krav Maga
"and we are very angry.
"Stop selling fakes or die.
"Yours truly, Kurbstomp_69."
Zoe won't take this well.
"To whom
it may concern:
"Your selling of fraudulent-
Shit! Fuck! Shit!
Hey, Z. Is this yours?
Ok, so we have four days,
12 hours and...
What is that?
It's a cigarillo.
They're Spanish.
Y'all good?
Hey, Tryst.
What's up?
Oh.
Very dank cigarillo.
Hey, did you guys know
apparently your non-dominant
index finger
is the best one to lose?
Hm.
Crazy, right?
You would have thought it would
have been your pinky finger
but, fun fact, just learned
it today.
Hm.
Anyway, how's
the ID stuff going?
Great.
Dank.
Anyway, I'll see you.
Bye, Tryst.
What the fuck was that?
Tryst being Tryst.
Resume.
You said you had a plan.
Right.
I did the math and I think
that we can make this work.
We have to go to the print shop
after school
and if we get
five-gallon EcoTanks
and have them
running continuously
from 4:00PM until 3:00AM,
until Saturday,
I think that we can swing 200.
Where did you get those?
Stocked your backseat pocket
here with snacks.
You what?
Just let me think, Zo!
Okay. Well, I hope that you're
checking the expiration dates
and eating them in
descending order.
Are you doing that?
Absolutely.
Urgh!
- What?
- Nothing!
Are you getting crumbs-
- Zoe look!
- What?
Gotcha.
Wow.
What's wrong?
I don't know.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit
oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!!!
Oh, my god!
Oh my god, oh my god,
oh my god...!
Everything ok?
What are you trying to print?
- Just something personal.
- Just some photos.
Personal photos.
It shouldn't make that noise.
Hey, Geoff, can you come
over here?
No, oh, no, no.
No Geoff. No Geoff!
No, Geoff, no, no, no!
That was way too close
and a dumb fucking idea.
What were we even thinking
trying to print in public.
Please, let me count.
One.
It's really not that cold.
Shut up, let me fuss.
Thank you.
"Listen here,
you little shits..."
"This is our turf."
Shit.
Where were you?
Out.
With you.
I can ask you
the same thing.
Sorry.
Ballet Zoe?
She should help you study.
Whatever.
Mah Mah...
Fuck you Kurbstomp!
Eat an actual dick!
Dude! Ever heard
of knocking?
Are you ok?
No, we're getting destroyed.
Same shitty clan.
What's their name?
What do you care?
I always care.
Kurbstomp_69.
- Ken, here, now.
- Hey!
Listen...
Dude! What the shit?
Fuck. I am so sorry. I didn't
ask for consent.
That was uncool.
Shut up.
Actually, wait, no.
I need a favour.
Mmmhmm?
I need your team.
Oh.
Yeah, they come
with a price.
Close your mouths.
- What?
- Nevermind.
Look, this is the plan, ok?
We need you guys to scare
the shit out of these kids, ok?
I'm sending their pics.
Rebecca.
Yes, Kennedy?
How old are these kids?
Because they look
like they're-
Young, I know.
But just stick to the script
that I wrote.
We're not traumatizing them,
we're just telling them
to leave us alone.
How hard of a tackle
do you want?
What the shit? No!
I literally just said
no tackles.
Boo!
My god, shut up!
Just scare them, okay, Ken?
You got it, babe.
Ok, boys! Wildcats on three!
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
One, two, three,
Wild Cats!!!!
Did you text Mom back?
No. No, not yet.
Anything important?
No, just Christmas stuff.
Is she coming home?
I don't know.
Ok.
Um, oh my god, you should
look over there!
Well, first time
that's come in handy.
Hey, buddy.
Ok. About that.
I can explain.
Why didn't you tell me
about this?
Well, you've seemed a little
stressed lately.
Oh, what?
And you haven't?
That's not what I mean.
What do you mean?
- I can sell this back.
- What?
- Yeah. Ikea as is.
- Oh, my god.
Ikea, as is.
- Zo, have some water, ok?
- Ok.
My reactions have been
completely justified.
Ok.
And... look at this.
The cropping's all wrong.
Oh shit.
Yeah, they're all like that.
Ok, we have to call
stranger danger
and then we have
to make sure that...
No, no, no, no.
Zo', Zo'. We totally
got this, ok?
We don't need no man, right?
Especially not me, I just
neutralized death threats.
It's physically impossible
for the two of us to do this.
Ok? And I have homework!
I have a life.
Breathe.
I mean, I think I have a life!
I don't know!
Zo, breathe.
Breathe, breathe.
Ok? Ok. I'll give you
his number, ok?
Ok.
Ready? 778-555-5253.
I 100 percent just made
that number up.
You gave me a fake number,
didn't you?
I gave you a fake number.
Good form.
Are you kidding me?
Look, you're not
thinking straight.
Ow! Zoe!
Look, if you're like this,
how am I supposed to give you
the number of a drug dealer
who sold fake IDs for us?
He's a drug dealer too?
Ah, shit.
Rebecca, what is your plan
because I promise you
your solution is not just
gonna walk through the door.
Wait for it.
Hey, is everything ok?
I heard yelling.
We are fine.
Ok.
Hey, B. Good call on
the no tackle rule.
We probably would have done
some serious damage to the lab.
When you say lab...
Not like a lab-lab,
like a photo lab.
Mostly printers, not like
a dark room or anything.
You know?
- Printers.
- Yeah.
They're printing these cards
or something,
I don't know.
Ken, can you get me
some tater-tots from the caf?
No way, it's Tot Tuesday?
- Uh-huh.
- I will be right back.
What?
Why do you have
a thinking face?
We'd like to request an audience
with your boss.
Welcome.
You've got to be
kidding me!
We're the ones who sent
the football bros.
How did you even find us?
You weren't exactly subtle
about taking our business.
We have to make
illegal ID's
for some Catholic High
School kids!
Well, I wouldn't have quite
described it like that.
So, how can we help you?
Sounds more like
how can we help you.
Seems like a really nice
set up you got here.
Would be a pity
if your parents
or your principal found out
about this.
How many are you
pumping out here?
Ten, fifteen fakes an hour?
We get by.
Tell that to me when half
of your staff is expelled
and the other half is suspended
till prom.
We're not scared of you.
Listen up, you little shit.
I've had a hell
of a week, ok?
You think I'm gonna let you be
another hiccup in my day?
Zoe, maybe we should-
And look at this?
Is this a joke?
The weight on this
isn't even in kilograms.
And a class 2 is not achievable
until the age of 19,
according to the new GDL
grading system.
These are garbage!
Oh shit.
Let's look at these.
Oh yeah, just like I thought.
Garbage, garbage,
garbage, garbage!
This? Garbage, garbage.
Goodbye. Garbage!
Oh, look at these,
they're so pretty.
Just kidding.
They're garbage!!!
The last time your IDs
were even valid was in 1998.
We have a proposition for you.
Bad ass! Bad ass!
Bad ass! Bad ass! Bad ass!
Shit
You know you could
just come in
and pick up your
grandmas yourselves?
Hi.
Oh. Bye, bye.
I love this sound.
Mah Mah.
Zoe?
We are.
Hey kid,
you need one more?
Uh, hell yes!
What up, dorks.
They're all here
on a Saturday?
Um, may I?
Miss Christiansen?
Hi. Remember, it's just Zoe.
Ok?
Oh, yeah ok.
How do you use
the burn tool?
First...
So about our payment.
Yeah, standard commission
stipend regulates
five percent of the sanctioned
prototypes value.
You, uh, do know what that is,
right Zack?
Of course I do,
of course I do.
Okay. It's good to know we're
working with professionals.
Mmmhmm.
Oh yeah.
These are... perfect.
You guys nailed it!
Well done.
Oh my god.
It was all Zoe.
I mean, this girl,
on a computer?
No, no, no.
Becca, she, created this whole
filing imperfection system.
Stop.
Right on, right one.
You know, alright. Whatever.
Alright.
Here you are.
Careful for the handles.
You know, probably should
have double bagged it.
- Thanks.
- Oh my god.
- Holy fuck!
- Oh, my god.
You girls are cool as shit,
you know that?
We are?
Oh yeah.
You ever want to make more,
hit me up.
But, in the meantime...
Uh...
Come on. Bring it in.
You know you want to.
Bring it in.
Bring it in.
- Ok.
- Ok.
- Feel it? Feel it?
- Yeah, yeah, I feel ya.
Ok.
I'll see you around, Bandidas.
Deuces.
- Hey.
- Hey.
It's kind of nice
to hang out.
Yeah. It's been kind of weird
not doing business stuff
every day.
Have you talked
to Tryst recently?
Nope.
No reason to call him.
He wasn't so bad
in the end.
If only someone
told you so.
Yeah, I know, it was
actually fun.
Yeah, it was.
It, um, kind of made me think
of Chilli or Die.
Oh my god. Me too!
- Really?
- Yeah.
And that it was so spicy
I actually thought
I was gonna die because
we ran out of milk.
Um, yeah. You made me kind of
sign a will, remember?
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
I totally did.
Wait, didn't we like add more
ghost peppers the next time too?
I don't know what was wrong
with us.
You know what?
It was a good rush.
This last week was
a good rush too.
Yeah.
I miss it.
Me too.
Everything just tasted
so bland after.
So boring.
I bet Zoe skips
all of this.
So, I've been thinking...
Is this what I think it is?
Ok, ladies, what
is so important
that you couldn't tell me
over the phone?
I like your car.
Thank you.
Cool. Ok, I'm gonna
leave now.
Wait. Uh, we want
to make more.
I have some ideas.
Oh?
Let me hear them.