Fairfax (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Chernobylfest - full transcript

Psst. Yo, Dale.
Man, move your arm.

I can't see your fucking test.

Benny,
we're on the essay section.

You can't copy this part.

Pencils down,
Fairfax Middle School!

I'm gonna need y'all
to stop, drop

because tickets for the
first ever Chernobyl Fest...

Yung Polluter's Festival
of Pollution,

Explosives and Radiation,
brought to you

by Welch's Juices, Jams,
Jellies and Spreads...

have officially dropped!



Yeah!

Hey, fuck
this standardized test!

Our future depends
on this festival!

The whole Litter Gang
is performing! Yung Polluter!

O Dot Besity! Anti-Vaxx! Basura!

Basura is my everything!

Lord have mercy,
Shania Twain is playing, too?!

Damn, Shania versatile as fuck.

Oh, shit! No bars?

Why, sweet phone? Why today?!

Cell towers are down.
There's not enough bandwidth.

- What do we do?
- Computer lab?

Ah, no, that's too obvious.
We got to go somewhere

that nobody would dare
set foot. Uh... Oh.



Library!

- Dale, guard the door!
- With my life.

No lie, this is
my first time in here.

Kind of a vibe.

Oh!

I can't hold them much longer!

These CAPTCHA codes
are doing me dirty.

Help me figure out
which photos are storefronts!

What even is
a storefront anymore?

- Shit!
- Oh!

Here's Westy!

Come on, dude!

Boom!

- Fuck, yeah!
- Yes!

We're doing this shit.
Nobyl Fest!

Boom, baby!

♪ Oh... ♪

- ♪ Waitin' for the... ♪
- ♪ Drop ♪

- ♪ Waitin' for... ♪
- ♪ The drop ♪

- ♪ Waitin' for the ♪
- ♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Waitin' for the ♪♪

Ha, ha! All right!

Chernobyl Fest!

I'm so excited for you guys.

Your first music festival, Dale!

Aw! It really
takes me back, boo.

You know, Dale, Trini
and I met a music festival.

I knew we should have Ubered.

It was Jazz Fest.
Dave Matthews was headlining.

I was at the dehydration tent.

And I was dehydrated!

Uh, classic Trini alert.
She's always dehydrated.

The second we met,
I knew he was the one.

Yeah. That sounds a lot
like me and Cerise.

Who?

This fire chick I met
on the Chernobyl app.

Oh, we got so much in common.

Like, we both agree

Rushmore is when
Wes Anderson really came

into his own as a filmmaker,

and we both like the red ones
in the Welch Fruit Snacks.

That doesn't mean anything.
Everyone likes the red ones.

Come on, Der-bear.

You got to let Truman have
his festival moment.

- Festival moment?
- Der-Bear?

You know that feeling

when everything in the world
seems absolutely perfect,

and the music takes hold while
the shrooms are kicking in?

I-I think what Trini's
trying to say is,

a festival moment is
a special memory you'll always

- look back on.
- Cool story. Bye!

Oh, uh, okay. Love you all!

Trust the fanny, D-bone!

Thanks, Dad.

Hey, babe, what do you think?

Should we scalp some tix?
Head into the fest?

♪ Post my drip up daily
just so they can see ♪

♪ T-Turn me up some more
so my haters...

Whoa!

♪ None of you guys
get fly as me ♪

♪ Whoa, matter of fact...

I heard
they shipped the reactor

from the real Chernobyl.

Those might be real
radiation waves.

They better be, man.
Polluter don't play.

All righty, guys,
what should we do first?

Dirty Coal Bounce House,
Poachers Palace.

Ooh, how about
the Blood Diamond Mine Slide?

Fuck your map,
Dora the Explorer.

Hey, I haven't gotten
my bearings yet!

Don't worry, bruh.

I already got the map pulled up
on the Chernobyl App.

And Cerise is
hookin' it up with the recs.

BT-Dubs, we got ten percent off
all Welch's products

if anyone wants
to fuck with some juice.

Yeah, that's gonna be
a teensy bit of an issue

because I didn't bring my phone.

Gender neutral scout says what?

Dale, you packed
an entire REI into that fanny,

and you didn't
bring your phone?

Why would I need my phone?
I'll be with my best friends

in the whole wide world, getting
my wiggle on to Yung Polluter.

That's gonna be
my festival moment.

Festival moments are
for mommy bloggers

and youth pastors, Dale.

We're here to get Chernt.
Right, D?

Damn right. Even though
I am morally at odds

with everything
this festival stands for, I...

Nope, nope, nope.
Cut that out right now.

Derica, what did we say?

If you want me
to be your Chernt guru,

we're not gonna be talking trash

about this magical
festival of garbage.

You right. You right. Sorry.

In honor of my new mentor
Gloria, today is a day off.

I am blocking out
all of the ignorant-ass

cultural appropriators...

...so I can let my hair down,
recharge the activism battery,

and Chern up the fucking jams.

Speaking of jams,
this Welch's ho is coming at me.

Check out this thirst trap
she just sent.

I got to hit her back
with the fire.

Mm.

Chet, I think
you need to see this.

We've got this kid here...
Truman Clark.

His Welch's Thirst Score
is off the charts.

He's responding to Cerise
with unparalleled depth

and a keen understanding.

These numbers can't be right.
Check them again.

Oh, my God, he's perfect.

Crank up the thirst meter!

Myth... Chernobyl Fest
is only about music.

Fact... there are a ton
of ways to get Chernt,

starting with this
dank-ass Cherno-bowl.

- Ew!
- What the fuck you mean, "ew"?

Band-Aids are a delicacy
to the Chernobians.

Munch away.

Mmm, that's chewy!

You guys, Cerise
might be Chernobian,

so no jokes
when we meet her, okay?

God, this radiation's starting
to give me a mean sunburn.

Good thing I brought
the SPF hundy.

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!

Basura is starting on time!

Let's go! Basura!

My eyes! Sunscreen in the eyes!

Salute and pollute, my man.
We are so excited to be here.

Don't get too excited, dad-band.
These tickets are fake.

But the scalper said
they were legit.

Recycle these fools!

Hey, watch it, man!

These jorts are
Kirkland siggies!

Oh, hey! Let go!

Órale, Fairfax!

Basuritas, let me litter
with you real quick!

Drop that beat.

Holy shit! Holy shit!
This is legendary!

I can't believe I just threw
basura at Basura!

No hablo Español,
but I'm 'bout it!

Gang, gang!
How sick is this, Dale?

I'm not Dale. I'm Susan.

Shit! Guys, we lost Dale.

Derica? Benny? Truman?

- Ow!
- Aah!

Ugh! Aah!

I'm so fucking trashed!

Oh! Aah!

Brandon, this was supposed to be
a chill bachelor party!

Ah. Ah. Oh, God.

Hey, that kid's about to cry.

No, I'm not! You're crying.

Aah.

Don't cry, Dale. Don't cry.

Dale!

Dad?! Dad, what do I do?

You got to help me.

I-I can't find my friends,
and I'm lost,

and I'm not gonna have
my festival moment.

Trust the fanny, son!

The fanny. Of course!

Thanks, Dad! Love you!

No problem D-boh...

Oh, my Go...

Okey dokey.
What are we working with here?

Got my night gogs, day gogs,
chappies, and... bam!

Gang gang! Gang gang!

Hey-yo, Glenn, 'member that time
I got separated from the flock?

Dawg, that was the scariest
moment of my life, man.

Damn organic farmer tried
to keep you as a pet.

I had to peck the shit
out of her!

Hey, hey, careful
with those pyrotechnics!

Oh, hang on a tick.

Are you Dynamite Shorty?

No, I-I'm just looking for...

Let me guess. Your crew?

Yes! That's right.
I-I'm looking for my crew!

All right, come on!
They're right through here.

You're gon' need this,
too, so take this.

- Dale?
- Dale?

- Dale?
- Dale. Who the fuck is Dale? I'm Susan.

- Dale? Dale?
- Dale? - Dale?

- Dale?
- Dale?!

- Benny, I don't see Dale.
- Me, neither.

- Look, we all love Dale.
- Love him to death.

But he's just not
a festival kid, all right?

I think we all suspected it, and
today, we have our confirmation.

Doesn't mean
we can't get Chernt.

Honestly, I think
he'd be upset if we didn't.

For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that
sounds good. You guys do that.

Cerise and I will check
for Dale at the Ferris wheel.

Perfect. We'll link back here
at 9:00 for Yung Polluter.

Benny, let's Chern
and burn, baby!

- Aha! Yeah.
- Yeah!

What?

♪ I got the cool, inner cool...

There they are, Shorty,
right over there.

Uh, that's not my crew.

Derica? Benny? Tru?

Gah, you're such a noob, Dale!

All you had to do
is stick with the gang.

Help! He's choking!

Whoa.

Move, everybody! Give him space.

Oh, thanks, little homie.
That was a close one.

Almost lost my blunt.

"O Dot Besity"?
"From the Litter Gang"?

Hey, my friends love you!

Oh, thanks, dawg.
You want to come party with us?

Party with you? I mean, that
sounds amazing, O Dot Besity,

but I really ought
to keep looking for my crew.

You sure? 'Cause I got
a boar roasting on a pit.

We're gonna hit the hot tub
and then get Chernt.

Did you say "get Chernt"?

Uh, uh, my friends
are getting Chernt.

Then they're definitely
gonna be at this party.

Don't worry. I got you.

Mount up!

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Dale?

Cerise?

Dale! Cerise!

It's your Tru-boo.

One ticket
for the Ferris wheel,

and one Berry Blitz
smoothie, please.

♪ And I'm rollin'
through the neighborhood ♪

♪ Back when I was close to you ♪

♪ Close to you, close to you...

Dead rose emoji.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh, oh, ooh-ooh, oh ♪

♪ And I'm ghosting you,
ghosting you, ghosting you...

♪ And I'm ghosting you,
ghosting you...

Code Raspberry!

The kid wants
to FaceTime Cerise.

- What do we do?
- Take the call.

- I'll use the sim.
- The sim?

Are you insane?
The tech isn't ready yet.

If I don't take this call, we
lose him as a customer for life.

Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.

Loose lips sink ships.

Okay, patch me through.

Hey, big head.

Hi. Wow. I can't believe
you actually picked up.

You're even prettier
on FaceTime.

Stop. Y-You're sweet,

like Welch's
Fizzy White Grape juice.

Damn, girl,

I love how hard
you ride for Welch's.

So, where you at, boo?

I'm solo dolo
on the Ferris wheel,

and I was kind of hoping
you would be here

so we could have our,

you know, festival moment
or whatever.

Aw.

Well, we still can, but...

Don't you dare.

But-but what, babe?

I don't know. I just...

Kind of, like, scared you won't
like me when we meet IRL.

No way! You're so smart,
and so cool,

and we like all the same
super niche indie stuff, and...

I just want to share
this fest with you.

And I just want

to share a Welch's
Sparkling Cider with you.

Hang up,
or I'm calling corporate.

Uh, I-I'm sorry,
but I-I think it's better

we never get
to know each other, and...

and that's just a hard truth
you'll have to accept.

Wait. Wait. But...

"Hard" truths?

Do you realize what you've done?

Mother of God.

♪ Choosing my worth
and the verb and you shiver ♪

♪ Breaking the curse
want to speed...

"Welch's Tent of Hard Truths
and Tropical Blasts"?

Clever girl!

Get me off this Ferris wheel
right now!

I'm coming for you, Cerise!

Yeah! Get some!

Yeah! Derica!

We feeling Chernt yet, girl?!

Uh, I could kick it up a notch,
if you know what I mean.

Really? After burning down
a whole forest?

Okay, I've been sitting
on something that, frankly,

I was going to peel off
and do myself, but...

Don't pull that shit with me.
Whatever it is, I can handle it.

Fair enough. Garçon,
cancel those tanks of napalm!

Grant, you're being an idiot.

This is dangerous!

We can find another way in.

You're right.
I am a total badass.

Still got it.

Intruder in Section Five!

Oh, my God!

Oh, God. Aah! Oh, God! Oh!

Oh, God! Aah! Aah!

You okay? Did he bite you?

I'll sue an opossum. I don't care.

Maybe the universe is trying
to tell us we're too old.

Maybe our festival days
are over.

Uh-uh. It's just a setback,
baby, like the day we met.

What do you mean,
"the day we met"?

That was the best day
of our lives.

Of course it was,
but for a minute there,

it was gonna be the worst.

That day, I was supposed
to have my first ever big solo.

Dave Matthews
offered you a solo?

Yeah. I put so much pressure
on myself,

I stopped drinking water and
wound up in the hydration tent.

I missed my solo,

- but I found you.
- Mmm.

Why didn't you tell me?

I'm so sorry that happened.

I'm not.
Everything happens for a reason.

That day was amazing.

You're right, boo.

Magic can still happen,
setbacks be damned.

We have to get
into that festival.

♪ Where my posse,
black cat roarin' like Miyaki ♪

♪ Sukiyaki, jabs is stickin'
like teriyaki ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go, go head ♪

♪ Go, go...

You see 'em, little dude?

Mm, not yet, Mr. Besity.

I thought
they'd be here for sure.

Not my phone!

I wrote my entire structural
engineering thesis on there!

I'll save your phone!

BRB.

Got it!

Now we just need to add rice.

Little Indian Long Grain
should do the trick.

♪ Boy best be watching
his tone if he talking to me...

Oh! It's a Basmati Party, y'all!

Thank you so much!

How can I repay you?

Can I braid your hair, or,
like, design a bridge for you?

Uh, c-can you design a bridge
to help me find my friends?

I can try.
What do they look like?

Well, my friend Truman is tall,
he's a Hufflepuff, total artist.

Artist?

Why didn't you say so?

I know exactly
where they are. Here.

Take my artist pass.

The Artist Area. Of course!

Thanks, Professor Thot!

♪ I'm nice boi ♪

♪ Matter of fact,
I'm tight boi...

"Kazmir
the Three-Dicked Wonder"?

- Oh, my God!
- I know.

It's the greatest deformation
ever fucked up by human hands.

If the Mona Lisa had three
dicks, she'd look like Kazmir.

Do you think the three penii
means there are six balls?

Love where your head's at.

Been crunching
those numbeez myself.

The possibilities are endless.

They could meet
in the center,

or what if
they're in a straight line?

Oh, my God! Or a diamond,
like a rack of Nine Ball?

Two, please.

Yeah, buh, buh, no, no.
No tickets.

Horse is tired.
Come back next weekend.

Next weekend?!

No! You can't do this to us!

We got to see the dicks!

Yeah, we only have
weekend one tickets!

Horse have three pee-pee.

Horse need three time energy.

Horse need three times nap.

Come back next weekend.

Derica, maybe
it wasn't meant to be.

We can still hit up Poacher's
Palace before YP starts.

No way!

I came here to get Chernt,
and that's what we gon' do.

Derica, the guy said
he's sleeping.

He can sleep when he's dead.

Hey, trip-dick, let's go.

Get up. Showtime!

Come on, dude!

Let me see the dicks!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Miklosh Goldschmeid.

Lemon-lime.

Cerise? Are you in here?

- Viktor Sitnikov. Blue grape.
- Cerise?

Cerise, are you in here?

- Yuri Lusganova.
- Cerise?

Papaya burst.

What are we gonna do? He's gonna find us!

Maybe that's not
such a bad thing.

Maybe we can work with him.

Maybe he's got answers.

He's just a boy, Chet.

And what am I?

I didn't work my ass off
for six months

to become the West Coast VP
of Welch's Interactive

Social Media Brand Integration
and Tropical Blasts for nothing.

Somebody get me a cigarette
and a white grape, stat.

Yoinks!

"Cerise Project"?

What the fuck?!

Hi, Truman.

Gosh darn it.

Can the heavens bless me
with a tiny-handed cherub

to save my dang fit?

E-Excuse me, Miss Shania Twain?

I believe I could be
of some assistance.

Wow! That do impress-a me much.

Thank you, little man.

You've got a can-do attitude and
a pouch for practical purposes.

But your face tells
a different story.

- I want to hear it.
- To be honest,

I got lost this morning,

and I've been separated
from my friends all day.

And every time I think
I'm gonna find 'em,

- I end up farther away.
- Huh.

Sounds like a real hitch
in your giddyap.

Anything I can do?

I don't think so, Ms. Twain.

I got to go it alone this time.

Then take this for good luck.

Holy smokes.

Another juice box?

No! No more juice!

Just please,
tell me where Cerise is.

You're looking at her, Truman.

We're Cerise.

I'm so sorry. You were never
supposed to see this.

Shut up, Denise!

We work for Welch's.

We partnered with Chernobyl Fest
using data collection

and targeted marketing
to advertise to your demo:

diverse males, ages 12-15,
from middle class backgrounds

with search histories
of "35mm film,"

"BMX fails" and "twerk vids."

So, the whole Rushmore thing?

That was me.
Big Wes Anderson fan.

And the red ones?

Everybody loves
the red ones!

So, she's...

The result of a billion dollars
in experimental tech research.

How am I supposed
to find true love

if everything
in this world is fake?!

Cerise might have been fake,
but the juice was real, Truman.

No! Fuck your juice!

And the jams! And the jellies!
And the spreads!

This shit is boo-hoo!

Uh-huh. So, uh,
on a scale of one to five,

how likely are you to recommend
our products to a friend?

Five being very much and...

I know how the scale works,
and my answer is "zero"!

Also, by the way,
Guava Lemonade...

it's sitting right
in front of you!

You got the guava,
and you got the lemonade.

Just mix that shit together!

God, he's a genius.

Fuck this.
I'm going to Smuckers.

This next song goes out to
a little boy I met named "Dale."

It's a song I wrote
a long time ago.

♪ Looks like we lost Dale ♪

♪ Two friends got Chernt
way too hard ♪

♪ Ended up at the stable ♪

♪ Where they saw
Kazmir's three dicks ♪

♪ And Truman catfished ♪

♪ By a brand made up
of fruit snacks ♪

♪ Oh, you're still
the Dale I run to ♪

♪ The normcore lej we clung to ♪

♪ You're still the one I want ♪

♪ For love...

It's not over yet, Trini.

All of these garbage trucks
have gone into the festival.

We just need to hop in the back,
and they'll never know.

I don't know, Grant.
This is pretty gross.

Trash into me, babe.

Ah! There he is.

You hook up with Cerise?

Nah, I got catfished
by the Welch's marketing team.

How about you guys?
You get Chernt?

Yeah, to a fucking crisp.

I don't want to talk
about it, okay?

We're the worst friends ever.

- None of us even found...
- Dale!

Guys? Guys!

- Over here!
- Oh, Dale!

Holy shit!
Yung Polluter is starting!

We're never gonna make it!

Not with that attitude we won't.
Climb aboard.

♪ Zoom...

Here. Use these!

Fuck, yeah!

All hail the fanny!

Stroke! Stroke!
Stroke! Stroke!

Stroke!

- - Yeah!
- We made it!

There he is!

Holy mackerel, we're on stage!

I'm home.

Chernobyl, y'all ready to blow?

Cha-cha-cha ching!

I said,

Chernobyl, y'all ready to blow?

Ey, Dynamite Shorty,
where my explosives at?

Baby, this is it.

Bring your magic.

You want dynamite,
Yung Polluter?

I'll give you dynamite.

No way!

♪ Ah, ah-ah, ah, ah-ah ♪

♪ Fuck the planet up ♪

♪ Ooh ♪♪

♪ Yeah, yo, throw some fries
on the floor ♪

♪ On the floor, on the floor ♪

♪ Throw some trash
off the boat ♪

♪ We pollute ♪

♪ Throw a cheeseburger
out the coupe...

- Now this is a festival moment.
- So Chernt.

♪ Cigarettes go on the floor,
not the trash ♪

- ♪ Trash ♪
- ♪ Pulling out the coupe we pollutin'...

Yo, dawg, dawg, check out

this little biddie I just met
on the Chernobyl app. Mmm.

Damn, she's thicc.

♪ Trash can ♪♪

♪ The block is hot ♪

♪ The block is hot ♪

♪ The block is hot ♪

♪ The block is hot ♪♪

Chirp.