Fairfax (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Smells Like E-Spirit - full transcript

Damn!

- ♪ Do it like me...
- Hello?

Whoa!

Cactus Cooler Jacuzzi
in the living room? Damn.

I'm looking for...
Herschel Diaz McFadden?

That's me. Over here.

Holy shit! Nine Inch Nips!
Esports lej!

Yo, you go to my school.

I mean, I go to yours.

Mr. Nipples,
I brought the snacks

and answer keys you asked for.



Hold up, is Principal Weston
paying for all this?

Yeah. Guy's
on our fucking nuts so hard,

it's pathetic.
Anyway, you got the stuff?

Yes, sir. The Nike
Diamond Supply "Tiffany" Dunks

in eight and a half,
just like you asked.

I said goddamn!
That's good shoe.

Hey, armor pen
got buffed last patch.

You should try picking up
a Haunted Wraith Cleaver.

Damn, dude.
Not bad for a shoe plug.

You play Isle of Icons?

Eh, I've been known to drop in
every once in a while.

You should try out
for the squad.

We're down a man
for our season opener on Friday.

Y-Yo, for real?



Good looks, dawg.

I-I'll be there for sure.

Eomma, you know that open slot
in my skedge

between Kumon and cello?

I think we just filled it.

♪ Oh... ♪

- ♪ Waitin' for the... ♪
- ♪ Drop ♪

- ♪ Waitin' for... ♪
- ♪ The drop ♪

- ♪ Waitin' for the ♪
- ♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Waitin' for the ♪♪

It's so obvious, guys.

I'm chubby, I'm Korean,
and I got fast fingies.

- I was born to play esports.
- I thought shoes were your thing.

Why do you keep putting people
in boxes, Dale?

Thank you, D. Now it's time
to diversify my clout portfolio.

I'm a hyphenate
without a motherfucking hyphen.

But aren't those guys, like,
the biggest studs in school?

You know it, dawg.

I'm trying to unlock
that Twitch god status.

Never doing homework again,
nah mean?

Wait a second.

Husky underdog.

A chance at glory.
Trials and tribs.

Ooh, you're the perfect subject
for a fire sports doc!

It's about time
someone told my story.

I'm thinking hella B-roll,
hella narration.

- Kick it, narrator.
- You got it, Tru.

He's five-foot-nothing,
125 pounds,

not that bright,
and I heard his parents

had to pick him up
from sleepaway camp

- after three days.
- Hey, yo! That's not true.

His quest
for clout starts now.

What up, Fairfax fam?

Our first esports game between
our beloved Hypebeasts...

...versus
the K-Town Pork Bellies...

boo... is Friday night.

Unfortunately, it's also
the one-year anniversary

of Sally Duberstein's passing.

Let's bow our heads for a moment

of airplane mode.

Anyhoo,
now that sad shit's out the way,

it's time to elect
a new spirit chair.

All right. Who wants to fill Sally's dead shoes

and get us ready
for the big game?

Guys, maybe this
is how I get my hyphen.

I am fourth-generation
spirit chair.

- I mean, it's in my blood.
- Then get in the game, player.

- Me! Me! Me!
- Me! Me! Me!

I got Lily -175.

- You want action?
- Oh, you're on, motherfucker.

Okay, okay.
Lean up against the trophy case

and look super interesting.

For
Benny Hyung-Joon Choi,

the stakes couldn't be higher.

Will the underdog
chomp into the bone of clout

or get put down like a pooch
that's crapped on the carpet?

- How's that? Too much?
- Perfect, my dawg.

Your boy's got a secret weapon

to take his game
to the next level.

- My most prized possession.
- Is that a...?

Latrine-Alienware
mouse collab.

Voilà. Never been opened.

Got it from my cousin.
He's a decorated vet

who did two tours
in the Korean Call of Duty War.

With an ace
up his sleeve,

this homesick bitch boy
might just stand a chance.

Psst! Hey, Dale.

Gosh, I think it's really great

that you want to help
our school.

Uh, l-likewise.

I couldn't ask
for a better candidate

to share the stage with.

No matter who wins,

our school
gets a great spirit chair.

Right, right. Um, so, like,
what kind of platform

are you thinking of running on?
Just curious.

Well, my dad gave me
some pretty fun ideas.

Fifties Day, Pajama Day...

Fifties Day? That's... cute.

Okay, well,
best of luck to you, Dale.

Thanks. You, too.

Um, excusez-moi?

What are you doing
talking to Lily?

You just gave her
your whole platform.

What? No.
That was just friendly banter.

We both just want
what's best for the school.

- Oh, really? What were her ideas?
- We didn't really get there,

so right now
she only knows my ideas,

- and I don't know any of her ideas.
- Stop.

You are not ready
for Fairfax politics, Dale.

Harsh. You were the one
who encouraged me to do this.

That was before
I knew Lily was running.

She's a spirit shark.

She started
Friday lunch collabs.

Fucking David Chang came in

and made sloppy joes
for everyone.

Lily. So creative.

Focus, Dale.

Look, if you're gonna run,
you got to do it right.

The spirit of AOC
runs through me.

Make me your campaign manager,

- and we'll win together.
- It's a middle school election, Derica.

I don't think
I need a campaign manager.

All right. It's your funeral.

The athlete
steps into the arena

ready to flex on some fools.

Jesus, Mary and Migos.

Yo, Nips. What up, dawg?

I'm not your dawg, dawg!

I'm your squad leader.
And you're late!

You think you can show up
whenever you want

because you have
an Air Max connect?

No, sir. I mean, no, Nips.

That's more like it.

Look around.

Most of you will be gone
by the end of the day

because most of you are noobs!

We're not playing
Sonic the fucking Hedgehog

on your grandfather's
Sega Genesis!

Now grab a PC,

and let's get into it.

Oh, snap.

A flicker of doubt
crosses 1-Yung's face.

Suffice it to say,
shit just got real.

Epic, indeed.

Fetch, Sparky!

Oh, hey, Fairfax fam.

I didn't even see you there.

My opponent, Dale, says
he wants to bring you spirit

with a '50s Day.

Really, Dale? You want
to take us back in time?

What, when a woman's place
was in the kitchen?

If it were up to Dale,
I wouldn't even be allowed

to run in this race.

No. I just meant poodle skirts

and Grease sing-alongs.

I don't know
how they do it in Oregon,

but here at Fairfax,

we look forwards, not backwards.

That's why I'm offering
Flex Your Fit Fridays,

Dress Like a Robot Tuesdays

and other progressive
spirit-based activities.

I'm not one
of those fancy fanny pack types

who walk around

like they're better than you.

You deserve
a more spirited world.

Vote Lily.

This video was paid for by the
campaign to elect Lily Foster.

- Still think you can handle yourself?
- Not at all.

I didn't know frickin' Air Bud
was on her team.

Derica, you got to be
my campaign manager.

Okay.
Let me just check my G-Cal.

I'm free.
Now let's win this thing!

- Top missing. Top missing. Come on, all in.
- We're tight. Tight.

- Aw, damn it.
- You kidding me, Diarrhea G?!

Ever heard
of an Arclight Spanner?!

Sorry, sir.
I pushed the wrong key.

Solved that problem!

Now get out of here before
I shove this "D" up your "A"!

All right, noobs, take a knee.

I've seen you on the keys.

Now it's time to see
some IRL drills.

First up, fingies.

Get up, hand!

Pump it, knuckles. Let's go!

Jazz those hands.

Jazzier!

My interdigital folds!

Aw, look it.

Take your mangled mitts
out of here.

You're done!

Lily's the establishment.

She's got all the major cliques
in her pocket already,

so we need a coalition
of smaller crews.

- The Invisibles.
- Who?

Non-influencers. Basic bitches

like the kids that eat lunch
by the water fountain

or the white kids with dreads
under the bleachers.

I've taken the liberty
of arranging a meet and greet

with the Peruvian Goth kids.

Hey, what up, white boy?

You want to read
Tuesdays with Morrie with us?

Uh, one second.

Hey, D, I can't get a read on
these kids for the life of me.

Are they Peruvian?
Are they Goth?

Maybe we start
with another crew?

There you go again
trying to put labels on people.

We need all of them, Dale.

If you can't get
the Peruvian Goths,

how are you gonna get
the straight butch girls?

How bad do you-oo w-w-want this?

Oh, so bad I can taste it.

Then go in there
and get down with the sickness.

What's up, amigos?

Who's ready to talk mortality
and friendship, huh?

Yes!

Great kill, 1-Yung.

Thanks, chief.

The fuck. Watch his screen to
see how it's done, Bosch Baby.

You look lost out there.

You know,
I'm happy to help if you...

You little kiss-ass.
When I'm done with you,

you're gonna be on your knees
massaging my fingers

like a bitch on prom night.

You know something?
At first, I wanted on this team

for the clout
and the Cactus Cooler J-Cooz,

but now?

Now it's personal.

Not only am I making this team,

I'm kicking your
pimply little ass, Bosch Baby.

As the heat turns up,
so do the rivalries.

And the body odor.

Welcome to the Fairfactor,

the only news show made for kids

who don't have time
to read the whole article.

- How's it going, 'Manda?
- So-so, Jules.

I got ear gauges last night.
But it was worth it

'cause my new stepdad
was pissed.

Didn't ask for your life story,
bitch, but great.

Now let's take a look
at this amazing spirit race.

Dale is slowly making headway,

but it looks like Lily
is trying to lock down

the fellow theater kids
with some fire pandering.

Let's go there live.

You know, my spirit journey,

it started right here
on this very stage

in Victor Hugo
and Principal Weston's

gender-swapping rendition
of Les Mis.

- She's so dramatic.
- She gets it. She just gets it. - She has my vote.

I want to bring your
signature drama and showmanship

to this year's
Halloween Haunted Hype House!

Let's get some good lighting
in there, costume changes,

and how about a collab
with the makeup club?

Let's scare 'em with spirit!

Nice.

That sneaky-ass motherfuck...

No, no, no, no, no!

Has anyone seen my mouse?

I need it for the match.
Oh, God.

Truman, have you seen it?

Uh, so, it's funny
that you ask, actually,

- because I-I, um...
- Careful, Truman.

Interfering in the storyline is
against the documentarian code.

Bruh, I know the code,
but Benny is my boy.

I got to tell him.

Werner Herzog
would never tell.

He watched a bear
straight up eat a dude

and didn't do shit.

Don't you want to be
Werner Herzog?

More than anything.

Then let the bear
eat Benny.

For the good of the film?

For the good
of all films.

Sorry, dude, I haven't seen it.

Get back in the lobby, 1-Yung.

Scrimmage starts in ten seconds.

But my mouse is gone, sir!

No excuses. Use this one.

Ugh.

Ooh!

This race is tighter
than Weston's pockets

after he hired Scott Disick

to DJ his birthday party.

And it looks like the Hypebeasts
are almost ready to post

their starting lineup
vs. the Pork Bellies.

Hey, is my ear bleeding?

Focus, bitch!

Dale's about to lock down
the science lab.

So, when you add a dash of Dale

to an already great group
of kids,

you get an eruption of spirit.

Cringey as hell, but it seems
to be doing the trick.

Nga yawne lu oer.
May Eywa's spirit

flow through all of us!

Ooh, and Lily
is busting out the Na'vi,

locking up
the Avatar makeup tutorial kids.

Now that's what I call spirit,
volume one.

I came down here
where the farts collect

to offer you a whole 15% off
at my dad's store.

Ooh! Dale's trading votes
for peach vape cartridges

just like
our founding fathers did.

Oh, yeah.
I mean, I do love Amalfi,

but this year,
I'm thinking of Lake Como.

Maybe sailing in Portofino?

And Lily takes
the kids who went to Italy

with their rich parents
for summer break.

With only one day to go,

it looks
like this is all coming down

to the kids who hang
by the water fountain.

No, no, no, no, no!

Damn it.

What happened to you, 1-Yung?

I thought you wanted the clout.

You want to be selling shoes
or buying shoes?

It's not my fault, Nips.

It's this trash-ass mouse!

I'd take Ratatouille
over this piece of shit.

Only a tool blames his tools.

Will
the chubby contender

bounce back from his blunder?

Only time will tell.

And a one and ass
and shake and down.

Yas!

Show me teeth
when you smile, Dale.

Don't make me rub Vaseline
on your gums.

I've seen too many people
lose spirit chair

because they didn't care
about the dance portion.

Yo, Quattro, Quattro.
Film me quick.

I'm-a throw up some moves
on my TikTok.

- Oh, yeah, mamacita. Dale, mamacita.
- Ooh!

This is straight fire, pidge.

Bad news.

Even if we sweep
the water fountain,

we still don't have the votes.

We need an influencer-donor.

Yeah, but you said everyone's
already in Lily's pocket.

Not everyone.

Move, move, move, move, move!

Equipment manager?!

Tough break
for 1-Yung.

His mother will be disappointed

but not surprised.

Oh, Benny. FYI, I like my locker
stocked with purp Gatorade,

and, uh, I'm feeling
a little tensh in my ring fing.

Might need you
to work it out later.

♪ I got the juice,
we got the juice...

Whoa, whoa.

- Influencers only.
- Hey, Melody!

- It's me!
- She's chill. Let 'em through.

Hmm.

No way, you drive?

No. Lamborghini just wants me
to take selfies on it.

- What's up?
- Lady Melody,

I came to humbly ask for
your spirit chair endorsement.

I think it would really...

Stop. First of all,
I don't do politics.

It's divisive,
and that's bad for my brand.

There are good followers
on both sides.

Second, look at you.

Melody, please.
Look, we could really...

No, you know what?
That's totally fair.

Enjoy your time at the top
while it lasts.

- Excuse me?
- Oh, nothing.

It's just...
I mean, Lily's already gained,

like, a ton of followers
since yesterday.

And she's got
an influencer boyfriend.

The Avatar makeup kids love her,

so a skin care line
isn't too far behind.

Soon that'll be her Lambo.

That is never going to happen.
You're ruining

the chi of the parking lot.
Take 'em away.

It was some good chi, too.

Shit! Lily took the water fountain kids.

All we can do now is pray.

And cheer!

But mostly pray.

Uh, welcome back, basics!

We're here at the spirit chair
election of the century,

and you can feel
the electricity in the air.

This race might be as over
as Balenciaga dad shoes,

but hey, anything can happen
on election day.

We now go live
with the sad bastard himself,

Principal Weston!

All right, y'all,
Carl the janitor

needs to turn this place
into an esports arena

in 30 minutes, so here's
how we gonna do that shit.

The first part
of our three-parter

is a Fairfax trivia challenge.

Lily, first question.

What does the Latin phrase
"Dopeness supra scientiam"

on the Fairfax crest mean?

Dopeness above knowledge.

Correct!

Despite it being mandatory,
school is lame as hell.

Cameron Diaz
dropped out of high school,

and she still looks good.

It's your turn, Dale. Question.

What is Mrs. McDuffy's
maiden name?

- Who the heck is that?
- She was a substitute teacher

at Fairfax
for a few weeks in 1993.

How is that a fair question?

Life's not fair, Dale.
First round goes to Lily!

This is our time!
Right here, right now,

we become esports gods!

Don't forget
to work the tippies.

Yes, Bosch Baby.

Watching
the once promising 1-YungHyung

reduced to jerking off thumbs,
Truman must feel

like a really shitty friend
right now.

Please don't film this.
This is the opposite of clout.

I'm sorry, dude. I have to.

Like,
really, really shitty.

♪ We stand united ♪♪

Wow!
After a performance that great,

I don't want to see anyone else.

Anyway, here's Dale.

Check out Dale!
Those hips don't lie.

It's too bad Lily
already has this thing sewn up.

I can't hear
anything you're saying!

My lobes are infected!

- I think I may need a nurse!
- OMG!

Shut up, 'Manda!

Fairfax royalty is gracing us
with her presence.

All hail Queen Melody!

Hi, you guys.

So, FYI, I'm voting for Dale

'cause he has
so much spirit and shine,

just like my new lip kits
with Girlbossier.

Link in bio. Swipe up. Love you.

Shout-out to all my Harpsicords.

Hell, yeah! Go, Dale!

- Lily sucks now!
- Go, Dale!

What a time to be alive.

Melody's endorsement
sealed the deal.

They're turning on Lily.

The speech is a formality.

Finish her!

Okay, it's time for speeches.

Dale, you'll speak first.

The prompt is
what does spirit mean to you?

You know, I did
a lot of talking this week,

but I also did
a lot of listening.

I spoke to Mike Salazar
of the Peruvian Goths.

I spoke to Tenneth Lonnergan
of the Club Sandwich Club

and to those two white kids
with dreadlocks

playing grab-ass
up under the bleachers.

The one thing
they all agreed on?

Fairfax could use more spirit.
And I, uh...

What I'm trying to say is

real spirit
means everyone has it.

This school is only as strong
as its least spirited kid,

and I can't help but feel

like I broke
someone's spirit today.

That's not what you want
from a spirit chair.

You guys deserve
someone that unifies

the entire school,
every single one of you.

So with that in mind,

I'm officially withdrawing
my candidacy

from this race.

Congrats, Lily.

You're gonna make
an excellent spirit chair.

Stop. He didn't. Dying.

Fully dead.
Bury my heart at Wounded Knee.

I'm literally deceased.

I got into politics for this?

Lose my number, Derica.

But I never had it!

- You sure about this, Dale?
- Totally.

You'll make
an amazing spirit chair.

Theater kids
doing the Haunted Hype House?

Hawaiian Punch
in the water fountain?

I can't wait for that stuff.

Well,
I think you would have made

an amazing spirit chair, too.

And hey...

I, uh, hope you don't hate me

for running a fierce campaign.

Please. It's just politics.

Besides, I found another way
to share my spirit

with the entire school.

Here we go, Hypebeasts, here we go!

Give me some!
Give me some! Give me some!

Oh! Here we go, here we go,

here we go,
here we go, here we go!

Okay. After a quick power nap

and some antibiotics
for 'Manda's lobes, we're back!

It's go time, people!

It's the Hypebeasts

versus the Pork Bellies!

It's all tied up

at halftime
as we head into the final round

of our Isle of Icons matchup.

Don't know shit
about esports, Jules,

but I am happy to be alive.

And here we go!

Round one. Capture the objective.

Ooh!
And just like that,

Hypebeasts backdoor
the enemy spire,

whatever that is.

The Pork Bellies
are gonna have a tough time

without vision there, 'Manda.

Oh, oh! Triple kill!

Bosch Baby is playing
like a boy possessed.

It's got to be the mouse.

That motherfucker!

Whoa! The Pork Bellies

just rushed
the Hypebeasts' back line,

and I almost gave a fuck!

Fingie down!

Someone sabotaged my mouse!

Oh! That looks worse
than your lobes, 'Manda.

You know the rule about
injured players, Bosch Baby.

You're done.
Hit the hand showers.

1-Yung, jump on his PC!

- You're in.
- Fuck, yeah!

Twitch money time.
Let's do this.

Yo, you deaf?

GTFO, bitch baby.

Hey, bruh.
I got a little something

for you, you know?
For good luck.

My trackball?
Hold up, did you...

A director never tells.
But yes, I did.

And you're welcome.
Now go whup some ass.

Despite breaking
the first rule of doc life,

Truman proves himself
a better homie than filmmaker.

Okay, Hypebeasts, this is it.

Pour all gold into armor pen
and A.D. items.

Left flank, keep an eye out
for those minions,

and, Nips, try and keep up.

Hypebeasts battle
to take the base.

It's all down to 1-Yung.

Can he do it?

- Base destroyed.
- And yes! He does it!

1-Yung destroys the enemy base!

This game is over. Fairfax wins.

Rest in pepperonis,
Pork Bellies!

Hello!

Did we just become sports fans?!

- Hell, yeah! You did it, dude!
- Yeah, Benny!

Two weeks later,
Benny was kicked off the team

for sharting
in the Cactus Cooler Jacuzzi.

The video is online.

Check that shit out now.

Hey, you better not post that,
Truman.

Beautiful, Truman.
Simply amazing.

So? About that grant?

Untitled Shit Project is a go

as long as I get
that hot Gram follow.

How many times
we been through this, P Dubs?

- How about a special thanks in the credits?
- Deal.

♪ The block is hot ♪

♪ The block is hot ♪

♪ The block is hot ♪

♪ The block is hot ♪♪

Chirp.