Fairfax (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Dale Hates His Dad - full transcript

What's up, Gram-fam.
Happy Dadurday.

Having the best day ever
with my best friend ever,

- my dad.
- What's up, everybody.

Check this out.
Drinking syrup like a nut.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

Hey, quit splashing.

Wait a minute,
you splashed me first.

And all my followers saw it.
Right, guys?

Guilty as charged, my man.

Oh, uh, hey, Dale, what's that?

Hiya! Double splash.



Say what?

Oh, this dad-son duo
just got another like.

All right!

- Got a hike like.
- Whoa, sweet rhymes, Dad.

Plenty more
where that came from.

♪ My name is Grant,
and I'm here to say ♪

♪ I love my son in every ♪♪

Oh, my God, Dale, bees!

Bees! Run!

Good night, Instagram.

Thanks for all the love.
See you tomorrow.

Wowee. What a great day.

Ah, the best day.

Except for the bees.
Yeah, other than that,



I had a blast.
I love you, D-bone.

Love you, too, Dad.

You know what else I love?

All my new friends
on social media.

Mm. What a fun place

with absolutely zero
consequences.

♪ Oh... ♪

- ♪ Waitin' for the... ♪
- ♪ Drop ♪

- ♪ Waitin' for... ♪
- ♪ The drop ♪

- ♪ Waitin' for the ♪
- ♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Waitin' for the ♪♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪

And after the beach,
we made hummus.

- And after the hummus, we went on a hike.
- We know, Dale.

You wouldn't stop posting
about it.

- Well, what's wrong with that?
- Yo,

135 posts in 48 hours
is a little much, my G.

- You're starting to flood the feed.
- Uh, cha.

- Flooding it with positive energy. Hey, Benny.
- What's up?

- Yo, any luck?
- Yo, Latrine sold out

of Yung Polluter six-pack rings
in three minutes.

Damn! That was faster than the
Styrofoam Dixie Cup collectch.

- Who's Yung Polluter?
- Only the hottest litter-core rapper on Fairfax.

Dude throws more garbage
on the ground than anyone.

Which I do not condone,
but the bars are fire.

♪ Hey, fuck the planet up,
fuck the planet up ♪

♪ Fuck the planet up, yo ♪

♪ Next stop Mars, bitch ♪♪

God, I love that track.

I knew him
back when he was just a toddler

chucking dirty dipes
into the river.

We should've jumped
on the Yung Polluter merch

when we had the chance, bro.

But we didn't have the cojones

or a deep understanding
of marketing tactics

and supply and demand economics.

Yo, next time, we'll be ready.

We just got to keep our ear
to the streets

and pounce
on the next big thing.

- A'ight, guys, I'm off to the river.
- Yo, D,

how many times
you gonna clean that river?

Have you ever thought
that maybe the river

just wants to be dirty?

Well, mathematically speaking,

every time we blast
a Yung Polluter track,

it puts about 2.3 pieces
of trash in the river,

so I have my work
cut out for me.

Y'all want to come?

- Uh...
- Yeah,

- I'm-a let you do your thing.
- A'ight. Later, guys.

OMG.

Jackpot, you guys.

Check out this baby pic
my dad just texted me.

It's little baby Dale.

I'm gonna make like
a law-abiding trout fisherman

and, uh, throw it back.

Have you lost your goddamn mind?

You can't throw it back
on a Wednesday.

TBT is
a sacred Thursday holiday.

That's wild disrespectful
to the lunar cycle, bro.

You're already pushing it, man.

You don't want
to turn people off.

Please, what do you guys know?

Like there's ever a bad day
to show the world I love my dad.

And away we go.

I miss the first half
of the movie,

but I get to the end,
and it's the Wayans brothers

in whitefa... Jim, watch out!

Oh, shit!

- Oh, man. That was close.
- Not as close

as these two losers.

TBT on a Wednesday?

I bet you this kid Dale
hates his dad.

Oh, nailed it.

He definitely hates his dad.

♪ P-P-P-Lo,
time to bring the bass back...

Hey,
it's the fucking Dad guy, eh!

Damn right, it is.

That cute little boy
don't like his dad.

You're right, Sherman.
I don't like my dad.

I love him! Have a great day.

Hey, Dale.

I'm a fucking dad hater,
too, baby.

Oh, no. You must have me
confused with a different Dale,

'cause this one loves his dad.

What the heck
has gotten into everyone?

♪ Everybody litter, throw
your garbage in the river ♪

♪ Everybody litter, throw your
garbage in the river ♪

♪ Water is a ho ♪♪

Yo, yo,
Yung Polluter is the shit.

Man, this album's gonna go hard, bro. Believe me.
- Mm.

Legend, cuh. Homeboy
taught us how to throw lo mein.

♪ Chuckin' all this lo mein,
girl give me dome brain ♪♪

Anderson fucking Cooper.

It's an orca.

- Oh, God. Oh, God.
- - Yo, D. We got

- a lot going on right now. What's up?
- No, no, no, no.

You guys
are not gonna believe this.

Ha! We know.

Dale hates his dad!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

No. Aw.

No, no, no,

no!

Yes, dude, yes!

Man.

Number one on Reddit.

Just hit TikTok.

Oh, my God,

he's on Pinterest.

What?!

This is it, Tru.
My cousins in Seoul

are asking
if I know the dad hater.

Dale's going international!

Jules and 'Manda named me
Suicide Watch of the Week.

Lily's gonna think
I come from a broken home.

Even Principal Weston
is trolling me.

This little bitch boy
don't know what hit him.

Your sources are incorrect,
@FairfaxMiddleSchool.

No, I do not want to peg my dad.

Peg him for a great guy, maybe.

Yeah,
we're gonna need 2,000 units

of "Dale Hates His Dad"
foam middle fingers.

Holy shit, bro.

These GIFs are pure fire.

"Dale Hates His Dad"
might surpass "Crying Jordan."

Do you understand
how big that is?

- Actually, make it three.
- No.

- Stop it!
- What the hell, Dale?!

I don't want all
this dad-hating stuff out there.

- Why not?
- Because I don't hate my dad!

I don't understand.

Why would the Internet
say I hate my dad

when I love my dad? He's my dad!

A'ight, Dale, the Internet
is like a giant spotlight,

and for some reason,

that spotlight is shining
on your dad-hating ass.

In a big way, bro.

You're like
if "Distracted Boyfriend"

fucked "Sad Keanu Reeves"
and then married Beyoncé.

Oh, no.

I just thought I'd be rewarded
for being myself.

Now everyone at school thinks
I want to fart in my dad's mouth

and tape it shut.

That's the Gram for you, bro.

Either you're fake
and people love you

or you're real
and everybody hates you.

Look, Dale, we're gonna do
everything we can to stop this.

You know that.
But in the meantime,

we got to strike
while the iron's hot, jah feel?

There's a ton of cash
to be made here, son.

Big cash, bro.
Mm! I'm-a use my dough

to finance
my Untitled Shit Project.

And I'm gonna buy
Yung Polluter tickets.

I hear his encore

is pushing a Toyota Camry
into the Tar Pits.

Look, trust me, bro.
You about to make so much money

you could buy a new dad.

Fuck Larry or whatever the fuck
his name is.

No, no, no.
I don't want a new dad!

I like the dad I have!

Have you considered
the possibility

that you might just hate
your dad?

It's okay if you do, Dale.

The other day, I heard him say,
"Okey dokey, artichoke-y."

No.
I will never besmirch my father.

He's the most amazing man
I know.

I just wish I could
explain that to the world.

Ugh. You're fuckin'
with my money, Dale.

But you are my boy.

Okay. We need to get you
on a huge platform

so we can tell everyone
your side of the story.

Phew. Thank you.

Three thousand units. Book it.

It's okay, girl.

Or is it boy? Or they?

I'm sorry. What is your pronoun?

Dude, I'm dying!

You're right.
I'm not into labels, either.

Just hang in there.
I'm getting help.

Hey! Hey, help!

There's a whale
stuck in the river!

No! Kelly, check it out.

This time
he's running over his dad

with one of those cement rollers.

Oh, no.

I got it! I'll call FEMA.

This is what they do.

Shoot. Looks like
we're gonna have to channel

the power of the Internet.
Don't worry.

One post, and the whole world
will pay attention to us.

I mean, you.

Pay attention to you.

Derica, Derica! Was it hard

to become the greatest activist
of all time?

Definitely not.

Some people just have it,
you know?

I would thank God, but honestly,
She should be thanking me.

Okay, Internet.

Do your thing.

Ugh! What the hell?

This should be Internet gold.

I can't even get Taye Diggs
to like the pic,

and he likes everything.

Ugh!

Ugh. God, this is terrible.

We got to get you to the ocean,
or you're gonna die,

and I'll have dead whale blubber
on my hands.

And I'll haunt you like
a dead whale ghost!

Okay. It's time
for a little analog activism.

I'm gonna save you...

...whether the Internet
is watching or not.

Push harder, bitch!

♪ Ay, bitch,
I'm a problem nobody solvin' ♪

♪ You can keep hatin',
I'm popping regardless...

I got it! Yes!

Time to get you
back in the oash.

A'ight, Dale. Spicy 'Pinions

is the hottest Web series
on Fairfax.

It's where everybody goes
to tell their side of the story.

Just remember, be yourself,

and don't let the spice
get to your head.

Spice?

W-W-W-W-W-Welcome, Fairfax!

I'm Benn Close,
and this is Spicy 'Pinions,

where the only thing spicier
than the Cheetos are the convos.

My guest, Dale Rubin,
has some dad stuff

to get off his chest.

Cheeto number one:

classic Flamin'.

- What's on your mind, bro?
- Yeah. Um,

I'm here to address
some nasty online rumors

about me not loving my dad.

Now, you tell me, Internet.

Would a dad hater
have bought this?

Uh-huh.

Cheeto number two:

Picante Serrano.

Is that real gold?

Well, no,

but it-it doesn't need
to be gold to...

Wow, is it hot in here,
or is it just me?

It's just you.

Power through it.
You're doing great, champ.

Man,

these people hate you
as much as you hate your dad.

Cheeto number four,

flown in from Taipei:

the Scorched Earth Ghost Pepper.

Do I have to do this?

Oh, why would I hate my dad?

I thank my glow-in-the-dark
ceiling stars every night

I even have a dad.

That's it!
I'm not gonna stand by

while you tarnish
the dadless community

and the Cheeto community.

Okay, okay, okay, show's over.

Forgot this kid
had a Cheeto allergy.

Dale, get the fuck up
out of here right now.

Sup, Fairfax!
Yo.

Just to be clear, our boy Dale
does not hate his dad.

But if you do, post a video

telling your dad
to go fuck himself

while wearing our very own
"I hate my dad" T-shirts.

Smash that link!

Mm.

Thank you, Mr. Sign.

I can see the ocean!

Come on, we're almost there.

What's wrong?

Oh, no!

I can't do it.

I'm so sorry.

Who am I kidding?

I'm a terrible activist.

I mean, how am I supposed
to save the whole planet

if I can't even save
one stupid fucking whale?

The fuck!

Ich hasse dich, Papa!

Tousan, uzai!

Ti odio, Papa!

Goddamn, that's good content.

- You ready?
- Fuckin' A. Ready to ditch

this 9,000-pound piece of shit.

Oh, shit, she got away!

Jim, turn this bitch around.

You, uh, haven't touched
your curly fries, D-bone.

Please don't call me that.

I'm not feeling
very D-bone today.

You okay, buddy?

I just... I've been having
a tough time lately.

- That's all.
- Well, I know what always cheers you up.

Anything
but the Hamilton soundtrack.

The Hamilton soundtrack. Yeah!

Let's get a little
Lin-Manuel Mirand-y up in here.

♪ How does a bastard,
orphan, son of a ♪♪

I said no Hamilton!

Oh, okay, buddy.
I mean, that's fine.

Yeah. I mean,
we can talk instead.

You know,
talking is the original rap.

Oh, baby.

Enough!

Your mouth sounds
are out of control,

I never liked curly fries,

and you know what else?

I can't stand Hamilton!

You don't mean that.

Yes. I do.
I haven't even seen it

because someone was too cheap
to pony up for seats!

The songs have no context!

Well, yeah,
but we like the lyrics.

You know what, Dad?
The Internet's right.

I do hate you.

Oh. Classic Burr.

♪ Something new ♪

♪ Stop ♪

♪ Drop...

- Hey, buddy. What's...
- Hiking solo today.

Fuck a dad.

Hey, I need that for my tush.

Jesus, Dale. The other rolls
are in the garage!

If you hate your dad as much as
I hate this front-wiping chode,

join me at Runyon Canyon today for my Anti-Dad Hike.

Whoa, bro. We did it.

Dale finally came out
as a dad hater.

Bruh, this dad hike is the sale
we've been waiting for.

- Mom!
- ♪ Stop ♪

- We need a ride to Runyon Canyon!
- ♪ Drop ♪

♪ Shut 'em down, open up shop ♪♪

Oh, my God. We're saved!

The Internet came through.

Hey! Hey! Over here!

Ow!

What is wrong with you?!

It's them!

"Tillamook"? "Ocean Land"?

Oh, my God!

- You're a fugitive whale!
- Yes!

And you have a killer past?

Oh! Rising up
to slay your captors

is justice AF, Tillamook.

Don't worry, girl.
I've got a plan.

- Who do we hate?
- Dads!

- Why do we hate them?
- We each have different reasons!

Step right up,
get your Fuck-A-Dad merch here.

Get your Fuck-A-Dad merch!

We got bobbleheads, mini-bats,
snapbacks and T-shirts.

You, son.

How 'bout a foam middle finger

for your dad? Flick him off?

If you hate your dad,
you're definitely gonna want

to cop this merch right here.

Oh, shit, it's the dad!

Boo!

- I fucking hate this guy!
- Fuck you, old man!

No dads allowed, Grant.

I brought you your favorite milkshake.

I would never drink
something a dad touched.

It's not to drink.

- It's to dump on my head.
- Huh?

I am Grant Rubin.

- Dad of Dale.
- - This guy fucking sucks!

I stand before you to confess
that I am a punk-ass father.

I serve my son curly fries
when he likes crinkle-cut,

and I made him listen
to Lin-Manuel Mirand-y

well after the hype
had run its course.

My son hates me
because I am a bitch