Fairfax (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Fairfolks - full transcript

- Yo!
- Woah!

Good morning, Fairfax!

How we doing
this beautiful Monday morning?

Is everyone living
for the Busla?

It's the coolest!

The school board tried
to talk me out of it,

but with zero down and 22% APR,

Westy didn't have a choice.

Now I know
old people are a bummer,

but our yearly trips

to Fairfolks Assisted
Living Facility



literally keeps
these people alive.

So don't forget to hand

your signed service forms in
at the end of the day

to prove you connected
with an old head.

Okay, quick roll call.

Who is following me on the Gram?

Today's gonna be so cool.

I can't wait to connect
with an old soul.

Bruh, old people are the worst.

They're cheap as shit,
have bad memories,

and have crusty-ass breath.

What? Old people are the cherry
blossoms of society, Benny.

Fragile in their beauty and
worth cherishing before they go.

I only have room
in my heart for my moms



and the hustle. Right, Tru?

Yeah, I'm with lil D
on this one.

I've been trying to finish
Untitled Shit Project

for so long I just can't
see it clearly anymore.

Today's a great opportunity
to hone my craft.

I'm-a find a old person
with a dope-ass story

and help them write
the perfect third act.

Spoiler alert, Spielberg.

Everyone fucking dies.

♪ ♪- Oh, come on with this shit!

Hey, back from the gym.

It's your boy, Sean!

Hey there. From my heart into
your living room, I'm Shawn.

And me, I do things
a little differently.

I'm Shaun, but a girl.

Together we're...

Seans of Sunset.

Do you think Shaun's gonna hook
up with Sean or Shawn?

Man! I thought you was off Melody.

Bruh, please.
Look, I'm Jill Scott.

Living my life like it's golden.

Besides I get to meet my hero

Gloria Alvaro today.

- Who?
- You guys,

before Cesar Chavez
was a street,

he was an activist,
and a block over

from Cesar Chavez Boulevard

is Gloria Alvaro Way.

Yo, you're hyped
about a bike lane?

She is a side street.

We're here!

Welcome to Fairfolks.

- Wow, look at all those wrinkles!
- They're so old!

Oh, my God!

Man, fuck this place.

♪ Oh... ♪

- ♪ Waitin' for the... ♪
- ♪ Drop ♪

- ♪ Waitin' for... ♪
- ♪ The drop ♪

- ♪ Waitin' for the ♪
- ♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Waitin' for the ♪♪

Shotty the dude
with no legs!

Why, hello there, young lady.

Would you please point me
in the direction

- of the recreation room?
- Certainly.

Aah, there she is!

Hola, Señora Alvaro.

It's such an honor to meet you.

I'm Derica. Your biggest fan.

Then the honor is mine, chica.

The work you did
with the Montecito

Grapefruit Farmer's Union
inspired me

and my friends to unionize
against our parents.

Damn, I know you can't rush
the creative process,

but I got
to find my star quick!

Mm, nah.

Nope. Boring.

Hold up.

Oh,

this man has lived!

- Sir, it would be such an honor to collab with you today.
- Ooh!

- My name's Truman.
- Truman.

That is a hot name,
very presidential.

Bernie Schwartz,
at your service.

If you don't mind,
I'd like to jump right in.

How did war change you?

That's a little
too funky for me.

Yeah, I'm much more
of a Perry Como man.

I'm so sorry, sir,
uh, let me re-phrase.

How many wars
have you fought in?

Oh, yeah... zip.

Flat feet. Can't march.

So, you're not a war hero

filled with bittersweet regret?

Bittersweet regret? Sure.

But war hero? Eh, not so much.

Uh-huh, that's cool.

Okay, I'm gonna be right back.

Yo P-Dub, you think
I could trade up?

This guy ain't it.

I'm looking for somebody
with more star power.

That depends, Truman.

- Can I get a quick follow?
- Come on, man.

It's social suicide.
You know that.

Then enjoy your sad bastard.

Man, even the vending machines
are old.

The fuck is Medamucil?

Hold up, I saw
those same Hush Puppies

sell for two hundo
on Grailed yesterday.

Wait a second.

Vintage Hermes Belt?

Swag.

24-karat Versace sunnies?

Swag!

Louis V. trunks?

Swagoo!

Of course!

Old people have old shit.

This place is
a fashion gold mine.

I'm gonna swag the fuck out!

Who is that?

That's Albert.

Well, your boy Albert's wearing

1886 raw selvedge denim
red tab Levi's.

I get my hands on those jeans

and my kids are gonna be
born verified.

And that is a Connect Four.

You're pretty good
at this game, kid.

Anybody ever tell you
you're special?

You bet.

My mom and dad make sure
I hear it every single day.

Call me Uncle Mendy.

I'd love to.

Always happy to add
another unk to the roster.

Dale, why don't you join me in
the player's lounge downstairs?

I think you'll find
the competition to be of...

higher caliber.

Wow. Sounds great, Uncle Mendy.

Wait, how'd you know my name?

You've been arrested 22 times

for civil disobedience.
I'd love to make today

number 23.
Here are some protest ideas

- in ascending order from...
- You're a fiery little thing, aren't you?

- Come, now. Sit.
- Oh, you're right.

Posters first,
then we break out.

I brought blank signs,
markers, Molotov cocktails.

Ay! Cálmate, mija.
My favorite show is on.

Ooh! Is it a four-part docu-series

about a little-known genocide
narrated by Idris Elba?

Oh, it's a docu-series
all right.

This is your favorite show?

Do I hear Seans?
Oh, my God, freaking love.

You're on PST now...
Pacific Sean Time!

Aah! I love it!

You're literally my new idol.

But wait!

I thought
we were going to...

One more episode,

then we topple the patriarchy.

Okay, Bern, your favorite
color is beige,

you find music distracting

and you spent your entire career

doing security
for a cotton ball factory.

Bingo bango, that's me.

Damn, B. You're like
if oatmeal was a person.

We got to add some more
brown sugar to this shit.

Wait a minute.

Was that the longing sigh
of a protagonist

in search of love?
I think it was.

Well, between you and me,

- it's been a while.
- Oh!

We just found your third act, B.

I'm Hitch and you're Paul Blart.

You're a hopeless romantic
and I'm the expert

who teaches you how to mack...
it's a perfect story.

And I'm finally
gonna finish something.

Oh, what was that?

Venezuelan pee-pee pill.

In 90 minutes my average-sized
penis is gonna be rock hard.

Ticking clock.

Love where your head's at.
Let's do this!

Yo, you ever fuck with one
of those boner pills, Quattro?

Nah, nah. My boy Derise
took one and he exploded!

Aite, B, we just got
to find you a match.

I'm not really sure
how anybody did it

before dating apps,
so we just gonna swipe IRL.

When you see somebody
you like, swipe right.

If you want to ditch her,
swipe left.

How about...

that old lady over there?

Blech! Left.

Fine. Aite.

Ooh. Wait.

How about that chick
with the fire curls?

Christ, no.

I've seen better legs
on furniture.

Hold up B-Dawg, am I detecting
a hint of savage-ness?

Excuse me, sir.

I have standards.

Well, look, bro,
it's time to lower them.

You're a straight-up
egg on legs.

You look like Humpty Dumpty's
ugly brother, Bob Dumpty.

Whoa! Go right!

Go right! R-I-G-H-T.

Damn, bro.

Elegant choice.

Who's this?

That's Joyce, the new girl.

One night at Pechanga with her

and I will die a happy man.

Shit, if my man
says she's the one,

she's the one.

Hello there.

I'm but
an innocent middle-schooler

collecting clothing donations
for a good cause.

Oh, goody. I've got some bags.

Yeah, no.

I'm only collecting raw denim.

There's a shortage
in... Paraguay.

It's super sad.

Raw denim, hmm, hmm?

Afraid I got nothing
for you, then.

Okay, guess I'll be on my...
Wait a minute.

Just noticing your jeans, sir.

Um, they'd be perfect
for the little...

Paraguayanosies?

These? My 1886 Levi's red tabs?

Oh, my God!
Is that what they are?

Not a chance, kid.

I built the Golden Gate Bridge
in these jeans.

I got married in these jeans.

And I'm gonna die
in these jeans.

Sir. Please. If not for me,

do it for all those
poor Pellegrinos.

Okay, wait a second.

I think I have another pair
lying around here somewhere.

Psych. Get the fuck out
of here, you little bitch.

I'm not about
to sugarcoat this shit.

We are punching
above our weight class

and you need to level up.

That's what the pill is for.

That pill ain't gonna do
anything until

we clean up the full package.

♪ ♪- Hey!

It's time
for your makeover montage.

Are you psyched? Ooh!

This is always the best part
of the rom-com.

I've only got one suit.

But I've got seven hats.

Hit 'em with the hat montage.

♪ I can't say no ♪

♪ I can't say no ♪

- ♪ When you touch me ♪
- ♪ I can't say no ♪

- ♪ When you hold me ♪
- ♪ I can't say no ♪♪

Hey, look at this...
I am a hottie.

You look sharp, Bern.

Now all we need
is a big romantic gesture

to convince Joyce
that you're her leading man.

As long as we do it fast.

We're about 30 minutes away
from Pechanga time.

What'd I tell ya, Dale?

22-long, just like I said.

Disco!

How's the wife, baby?

Ha ha! Man, she cool.

And how's the girlfriend?

- Oh, ho, ho, ho!
- Yeah.

♪ Hey, now, hey, now ♪

♪ Iko iko an nay...

After you, little man.

♪ Jockomo feena nay ♪

♪ My flag boy
and your flag boy ♪

♪ Sitting by the fire ♪

- Holy smokes!
- ♪ My flag boys says to your flag boy ♪

♪ "I'm gonna set your flag on
fire," talking 'bout hey, now...

You like apple juice, Dale?

Sure you do.

Trish, two fingers
of apple juice

for my boy Dale. Straight up.

The game is Connect Four,
gentlemen.

- $1,000 chips.
- Wait, what?!

Deal 'em up, baby!

Now, I know people say
"less is more,"

but I'm more of a "more is more"
kind of person.

I don't know, Truman.

This feels very risky.

Like love itself, B.

Now, let's go over the plan
one more time.

You float up to Joyce's window,

hold the cards
like I showed you, and then...

serenade her.

And then, boom...

you float down with a date.

And then it's Pechanga time,
right?

Look, I'm gonna die soon,

and I'd like
to get one of my nuts off.

This is about love, Bernie.

Listen to this, not that.

She's reading a dang periodical.

Oh, shit. Uh, quick,

pivot to the serenade.

♪ You're the fuckin' best ♪

♪ The best I ever had ♪♪

You thinking what I'm thinking?

- Pop-pop, motherfucker!
- Aah!

Face it, Truman,
I am not cut out for this dame.

Let's quit
while I'm still in one piece.

We can't quit, Bernie.

We need to finish this story.

I need to finish something.

Why can't I just ask her out
like the good ol' days?

Huh. It's unconventional.

It's not very visual.
But it just might work.

Great! I'm gonna tell her

that I'm gonna
mash my face in her beaver.

All right, actually, B?

I'm just gonna take this one.

Does Sean know
that I'm hooking up with Shaun?

No, but what Sean don't know

won't Shaun him.

Shawn W. is a sloppy pandejo

and deserves everything
that's coming to him.

You are such a bitch

and I am here for it.
I got to share this

with my Harpsichords.

Gloria, this show is great...

I love it, can't get enough...
but it's 1:00 p.m.

- and we haven't done...
- This place doesn't have TiVo, sweetie.

Every word counts.

Okay, make it quick.

You have until the end of this
mesothelioma commercial.

I-It's just...

I called dibs on you today
because I wanted

to torch Eric Garcetti's house.

Not sit around,
watching a bunch of Seans.

Easy, Derica. If you don't take
a breath every once in a while,

you'll burn yourself out.

But w-we-we want
to change the world.

We can't take a day off.
We have to grind!

We have to fight!
We have to drop a diss track

with Malala and Noname on KCRW.

Life is about balance, mija.

You can't fill someone else's
cup if yours is empty.

Being verified is work, girl.

Who else is deeply stressed
and needs a mask?

I've never tried one before.

Oh, yeah, I can tell.

No offense, but you have
a lot of fine lines.

- You in?
- Um, aren't these made with all sorts of impurities?

Don't be such a Sean B.

Face mask!
Face mask! Face mask!

Oh, all right, all right.

Give me the one
with the purifying hydrangea.

Afternoon, Albert.
It's me, Kyle the orderly.

It's time for your sponge bath.

Yippee! Ha, ha.

Strip down. Pants off.

Oh, no. Check the chart.

I don't do legs.

I'm a top-only guy.

Son of a bitch.

Jesus, man.

Make sure you get

under the skin tags, okay?

Hi.

Hi. Uh, I'm Berman.

I mean, Trunie. I mean I'm here

to talk to you
on behalf of that man, Bernie.

Bernie's a simple guy,
and you're obviously

a very beautiful
and sophisticated woman,

but it would be
a dream come true

if he could just take you
to dinner at whatever

bunk-ass cafeteria y'all eat at.

Okay.

Really? Damn!

That was so easy.
Dinner's at 4:00.

No. No, no.

I didn't mean "okay"
as in "yes."

I was processing.

If I'm being honest, I have some
questions about his character.

And if I'm being honest,
I really need this.

I-I... Uh, Bernie has
the Truman stamp of approval.

You're gonna have a great time
with him. It's my guarantee.

Hmm.

You're cute.
Well, if you approve,

I'll give him a shot.

Oh, my God! Thank you so much.

I promise you, it's gone be
the best date of your life.

One. A two. A three.

Connect four, baby!

Bee-boo,
I'm a connecting machine.

Trish, get another
round of apple juice, huh?

Doing great, Dale.

You got Agnes the Tooth next.

Child's play, Uncle Mendy.

I'll be done with her
in six moves, tops.

Easy peasy lemon...

- You're taking a dive.
- Squeeze me?

You worked up the odds, kid.

It's 40 to one against Agnes.

If she wins, the corner room

on the third floor is mine!

You want me to lose?
But I have to connect four.

Look at me, kid.

You ain't connecting shit.

Albert, you lej, no more games.

The jeans are yours, man.

I'm simply here
to propose a toast.

That's mighty kind of you.

Albert, five minutes
to nap time.

To you, a true fashion O.G.

You're gonna have to do
better than that, boy.

It's time for both our naps.

Nighty-night.

Yo, you think
a little NyQuil can stop me?

Bro, I've been drinking lean
since the fourth gra...

I got to say,
you've got some BDE right now.

Some Big Diaper Energy.

I feel great.
You did it, Truman.

I did do it, huh?

Hey, you know what, B?

We should collab more often.

What the fuck?

Even activists need me time.

BTW

Your old guy has

a massive boner.

Oh, Jesus!

Okay, there. Just remember
everything we went over.

Listen, nod...

Don't mention Pechanga.

I got you.

Ah, bonjour, madame.

Right this way.

Oh, thank you.

My boy wasn't even a supporting
character in his own life.

Now he's
a rock-hard leading man.

I'm looking
for a man named Bernie.

Have you seen him?

Uh, I'm sorry, who are you?

I'm Rose.

Bernie's wife.

Oh, damn!

Plot twist!

That was really refreshing.

Look, I'm sorry
I was a little uptight earlier.

I'm still working
on the whole relaxation thing.

You should really try knitting.

I knit these, like, little hats

for Syrian orphan babies.
My therapist said it would,

like, help me cope with anxiety

and it's good
for my brand, so...

You want to knit one?

OMG! Um, yeah.

I'm sorry.
You can't go in there.

Somebody spilled their Jell-O
and the floor is just...

You think you're Bernie's
first little romance boy?

Schools come
through here weekly.

Bernie always manages
to find some poor sucker

to help him get laid.

Bernie has other directors
in his life?

Bernard, a word.

Oh, boy.

Uh-uh! No, no, no, no, no.

You don't "oh, boy" her.

You "oh, boy" me, homie!

I gave you everything today!

Including my stamp of approval!

Oh, I don't just
hand that out, man.

And I've had it up to here
with your bull...

Actually, Rose, do you mind?

I just want to finish
my thought really quick.

You know what I thought
of you when we met?

Not much, bruh!

But we created
something special.

And it really looked like we was
about to stick the landing.

Our story meant something to me.

But I guess...

I guess it meant nothing to you.

Truman, you know I love you,

but you got a thick skull.

Life isn't a movie.

You can't force love.

You got to take what you can get
when you can get it, buddy.

Jesus, Bernie.

Oh, my God.

Ah, well, we might as well
put your stupid ding-dong

- to use while we got it.
- Pechanga time, baby!

Do you want to go halfsies on this tuna?

Don't even think about it.

Chanel Number Five.

Swag.

That son of a bitch!!

All right, Albert,
enough's enough!

Albert?

Albert! Oh, no.

- What have I done?!
- Oh, honey.

Albert died peacefully
in his sleep.

It was his time.

He was 139.

Yeah, that tracks.

May I have a moment alone
with the departed?

You were my greatest foe,
Albert.

Without you, the hustle
just won't be the same.

Goodbye, Albert.

Goodbye, sick-as-fuck jeans.

Air it out, old man.
You earned it.

Oh, wait.

Just sign that.

I got to say, Joyce, if this
is what you look like now,

I'd kill to see what you
looked like when you were 13.

More cranberry juice?

I hear it helps
to prevent old people UTIs.

Truman, you're a delight.

Is there anything you can't do?

I'm ashamed
to tell you this, Joyce,

but I've never finished
a project in my life.

And I'm almost 14!

Aw, you're being too hard
on yourself, Trunie.

And you did finish something.

In fact, you delivered on
exactly what you said you would.

You gave me
the best date of my life.

It was never Bernie's
third act I was writing.

It was yours.

That's right.

I just Hitched my own damn self!

Classic Truman.

May I have this dance,
young man?

Enchanté, mademoiselle.

What a day.

How were your protests?

Ah. Really relaxing, actually.

Hey, how was your guy, Benny?

- Eh, not so great. He dead.
- Oh!

Where is Dale?

Man, you know Dale.

He's probably having
the time of his life

weaving baskets or some shit.

Wait! Wait!

Stop the Busla!

You think you can run away
from Uncle Mendy, kid?

I got eyes everywhere.

Throw me a follow and you're on.

Can I just, like,
follow you on Facebook maybe?

No, it's got to be Insta.

Okay, okay, God!

Ah, welcome aboard,
DalesTrailz.

Die, cherry blossoms, die!

Dale Rubin

of Fairfax Middle School,

you made a powerful enemy today.

Got you, bitch!

The jeans are mine!

No. No, my denim.

Damn you, Albert.

Damn you!

♪ The block is hot ♪

♪ The block is hot ♪

♪ The block is hot ♪

♪ The block is hot ♪♪

Chirp.