Fairfax (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Big Peens - full transcript

What up, fam?!
It's the first day

back at Fairfax Middle School,

and the car pool red carpet
is popping!

I'm your host, Jules.
With me, as always,

is the flawless 'Manda.
How was your summer, girl?

Pretty litty!

Yep, my sister went to rehab,
so I got the upstairs room.

Save it
for your Snap Story, bitch,

'cause here comes Derica,
Benny and Truman.

Ah, these fits.

So playful. So gritty. So brave.



Derica and Benny
are pretty chill,

but Truman can go fuck himself
for not inviting me

to his go-kart birthday party.

Had to find out about it
on Insta like a peasant.

Sorry
to cut you off again, 'Manda,

but no one gives a shit.

And OMG, there's mega influencer
Melody Harper.

Givenchy from head to toe.

Leave it to Melody

to push the boundaries
of school attire.

- So chic. So bold. So brave.
- Melody!

Melody, please, notice me!

Classic zap.

Anyway,
we got another car pulling up.



Who's this now, Miss 'Manda?

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have got a new student, uh...

Kip, where the hell
is the card for this kid?

Dale Rubin, and... Oh, my God.

Yep, he's kissing his dad
on the lips.

Someone put a gun in my mouth
and pull the trigger.

I am in shock!

Showing up
as a total fucking loser

on the first day of school?

Now, that is brave.

♪ Oh... ♪

- ♪ Waitin' for the... ♪
- ♪ Drop ♪

- ♪ Waitin' for... ♪
- ♪ The drop ♪

- ♪ Waitin' for the ♪
- ♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Waitin' for the ♪♪

Lights out, fish!

Damn, Derica!

Prisonball is just a game.

Dale! Moneyball!

- Center court!
- On it.

Whoa.

- ♪ And I swear ♪
- ♪ I swear ♪

♪ By the moon and the stars ♪

♪ In the sky ♪

- ♪ I'll be there ♪
- ♪ I'll be there ♪

♪ I swear ♪♪

Hey. New kid, right? I'm Lily.

Dale. I just moved here
from Oregon.

No way.
My fam always vacays in Bend.

Ugh, we love skiing

- at Mount Bachelor. Yes!
- Mount Bachelor.

- Do you mind if I, uh...?
- Mm-hmm.

Thanks.

Gotcha!

Damn it, Dale!

You walked
right into that thirst trap.

Hey! I saw that, Louis!
Over the line!

Guys, I think I'm in love.

Bruh, it's the first day
of seventh grade,

and you already wifed up?

I'm gonna ask her if she wants
to go hiking this weekend

since you guys
never want to come.

It's nothing personal, Dale.
Nature just fucking sucks.

Everyone! Get your asses

to the auditorium right now!

Penis!

All right, you got me.
Settle down, now.

Now, normally I don't condone
pulling the fire alarm,

but today, we have what we call

a social media emergency.

In my 38 years
of tenured education,

I have never been this excited.

Fairfax Middle School's

very own wellness influencer,
Melody Harper,

has just been verified
on Instagram,

y'all! -

Hey, guys,
what's "verified" mean?

Dude, it's like the Nobel Prize
but for dopeness.

That's right,

I'm offish verified!

And to celebrate
the best day of my life,

I'm throwing a pool party

at the mansion I just bought
with my YouTube money.

Lucky for you guys,

my parents are making me invite
the whole school.

Holy shit.

Oh, honey,
cancel our plans on Saturday.

I said cancel them, woman!

My best friends at Nabisco
and Puma will be cosponsoring.

There's gonna be installations,
activations and makeup stations.

Think of the gift bags, man!

We're going to Melody's house?!
Oh, my God.

- I got to figure out what I'm gonna wear.
- Now,

obviously, I don't want
losers and millennials coming,

so I'm implementing a
100-follower minimum to get in.

So get your suits
and spray tans ready, y'all,

'cause this party's
gonna be lit as fuck.

Y'all heard the girl.

100 followers
or you ain't getting in.

♪ Let's go ♪♪

Hey, Dale.

You going to Melody's pool party
this weekend?

Hey. Hi. Uh, of course.

I totally have
a hundred followers.

They're the best, so...

Sweet. What's your handle?
I'll follow you.

My handle? My handle is, um...

You know,
it's funny you should ask.

I'm actually between handles right now.

What's going on, babe?
I thought about you

all friggin' Spanish class.

Quick selfie!

You must be Dale.
I saw you kiss your dad

in the car pool line
this morning.

I just want you to know
I love my dad, too.

Cody Herschiser.
Leader of The Triangle.

We have 25,000 subscribers
cross-platform.

Thank you.

That's Shu. This is Cubby.

Our crew was founded
on three pillars:

pranks, trick shots
and a charitable component.

Shu, why don't you
give 'em a taste!

What the fuck!

What the hell?

And boom!

We just donated 20 bucks
to Planned Parenthood

- in your name.
- Whoa.

The charitable component.

Pretty awesome, huh?
And it's a tax write-off.

Come on, babe.
We're gonna be late for English.

I am super psyched to unpack
The House on Mango Street.

Bye, Dale. See you at Melody's.

Guys, code red.

It's an emergency.

I don't have
a hundred followers.

I don't even have Instagram.

I told Lily I'd see her
at Melody's party.

If I don't get
a hundred followers,

she's gonna think
I'm a giant loser,

she'll never fall in love
with me,

and we'll never birth
a baby deer together.

Man, I could get you
to a hundred followers, a'ight?

Shit, I mean, I could get you
to 250 if we being real.

But if you gonna do this,
you got to commit, a'ight?

I'm talkin'
Daniel-Day-Dale-Rubin commit.

Anything you say, Tru.

- Just one scoop of gravy today, Nan.
- One scoop?

Come on, Benny,
I've seen you drink gravy

from a Gatorade bottle.
What's going on?

I'm just sick and tired

of being the only fat kid
at the pool party.

Everyone's gonna be so hot
and naked,

and I'm gonna look
like a glazed turducken.

Look, as an ambassador
of self-love,

I think you look incredible.

But if you're serious
about getting into shape,

I'll put you
on my Dericaerobics cleanse.

It focuses on the inside
as much as it does the out.

Like a bidet for the soul.

I'm in.

Then it's settled.
Truman's gonna get Dale

up to 100 followers,

and I'm gonna get Benny
down to 100 pounds.

You're gon' be my masterpiece.

A'ight, so,
if we're gonna get you

to a hundred followers,
you're gonna need a persona.

Why can't I just be myself?

No offense,
but don't nobody give a shit

about regular old Dale, bro.

We gonna have
to spice you up a little bit.

Like, a lot, a bit. Okay, first,

you're gonna need
a dope handle, right?

Peep my shit.

TruStories69.

It combines my love of cinema

with my love of sixty-nining.

Or check out my profile,

@TacoBoutChange,
'cause I love tacos

and I'm all about that change.

How's that sweat suit going,
Benny?

Full-on wood-fire pizza oven
in here.

Show 'em
my profile, Tru.

@1YungHyung. My brand

is gangster shoe salesman.

Three hundred and twenty-one
followers.

Holler at your fucking boy.

So, what's your handle gonna be?

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, no pressure.
Just chill. Just chill.

Wait. Wait.
No pressure. All right.

But it does have to encapsulate
your entire vibe.

Geez,
that's a toughie. Uh...

I mean, I like hiking,
and my name is Dale, so...

Yo, I got it. I got it.

It's irreverent, it's iconic,

and, best of all,
it's available.

Congratulations, Dale.

- You're officially @BigPeenz!
- Wow,

my first handle.
Now what do we do?

Now we just need
a fire profile pic.

Step into my office, playboy.

- I got a flex for that.
- Whoa.

♪ I make the club go viral,
I got ♪

♪ Bitches by the boatload...

No way. Are these all yours?

You think
this is a fucking game?

This is just the stash
my parents know about.

All right, check it.
The Yeezy 2 "Red Octobers."

A crimson high-top with a strap
that screams ankle support.

Go ahead. Whiff the rubber bouquet, son.

Mmm, rubbery.

Honestly, I'm not gon' lie,

these might be a little too fire
for my boy.

You right, you right.
We got to take it down a notch.

Something more Dale.

♪ But they got their hands up...

Here we are.

The "Jason Kidd"
Air Zoom Flight 95s

in black and purple.

The Golden Oreo of shoes.

♪ I got bitches
by the boatload ♪

♪ Eeny, meeny, miney...

Filter the shit out of it.

♪ And my niggas,
we're the shit, though ♪

♪ Lit, we lit, we lit ♪♪

Congratulations, Dale.
You now have followers.

I'm glad yours is working.
I'm still husky.

That was just your water weight.
I got you, bruh.

Phase two starts now.

Welcome to Gorp, aka...

heaven. My go-to spot
for fair-trade asparagus,

CBD nasal spray
and all your séance needs.

Hey, Derica. Namaste.

Hey, Juniper.
This is my friend Benny.

He needs a super-cleanse.

Hell, yeah.

Blessings, Benny.

Thank you for trusting me
with your wellness walkabout.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! What is that?

I've never seen
anything like this.

He's 80% marinara.

How many lunar cycles do we have
to lose the weight?

- Three days.
- Okay.

This is Devil's Bunk Bed.
Little special sauce

I picked up during
my silent retreat in Burma.

It may cause
temporary blindness,

but it's guaranteed
to put some acai in your bowl.

Guys, something weird
is happening!

Yes!

That's Anubis
fighting your fat energy.

One pound?!

Yes.

That'll be $342.

Yeah, Tru,

I don't really understand.

How is this
supposed to get me followers?

The more artsy, the better, bro.

Just look at our highbrow king,

French-Canadian auteur
Denis Villeneuve.

- Who?
- Man,

of course you don't know Denis.

Bro,
he's the artsiest director ever.

Sicario. Dune!

Come on, dawg.

There were, like,
ten lines in Blade Runner,

but that shit
looked hot as hell,

and now Denis
has three million followers.

Yeah, but I'm not artsy.

You don't got to be artsy, okay?

You just got to have people
think you're artsy, all right?

Do you want Lily to like you
or not?

Okay, okay. Post it.

More. I need more, man.

Then we got to go even artsier.

D, that Bunk Bed shot
didn't do shit,

the party's tomorrow,
and I'm still chubby as fuck.

Okay, you're right. Hard pivot.

I'm putting you
on the same workout regimen

Beyoncé used
to lose her baby weight.

Now we're talking.

Welcome to kayaking class,
bitch!

Loving
all the positive paddle-tudes.

Okay, let's stay in a safe line
until we hit Dodger Stadium.

After that,
we're gonna hit a few class twos

and then a meaty class four
right around Skid Row.

Oh, shit.

Come on, Benny. Keep up.

This shit is harder
than it looks, and I'm soaked.

One, two, dawg. You got this.

Okay. Here we go.

We're doing it.
Feeling the burn!

Skid Row rapids
are coming up!

Derica, check me out!

I'm a white person!

Whoa!

Benny, wait!

After you clear the rapids,
veer left

- to avoid the needles!
- Oh, fuck.

I don't feel so good.

The follower dam
is about to break, Dale.

We 'bout to do a time-lapse

of you painting a mural
of the lunch lady

using only cafeteria food.

Picasso
meetsa pepperoni.

Yes, Dale.

Yes. Feel the sauce
between your fingers, Dale.

- Yes, bro.
- The hell are you guys doing?

You smearing 'ronis all over the goddamn wall.

No!

You guys, lunch lady's got a pizza face!

Hey, no! What is y'all doing?

This is not artsy!

This shit is not it!

Hey, new kid,
what's your Insta?

@BigPeenz! Holler at your boy!

♪ We outta here ♪

♪ We outta
here ♪

♪ We outta here ♪

♪ We outta
here ♪

♪ Let me see you take off,
take off ♪

♪ Let me see you take off ♪

♪ Take off, let me see you
take off, take off ♪

♪ Let me see you take off ♪

♪ We outta here ♪♪

Hey, pass the broccoli,

- would you, pal?
- Oh, you bet.

Boom! Yes!

Surprise! Pizza in the broc!

- Pew, pew, pew, pew!
- Oh, what the heck, Dale?

I just got a haircut.

Big Peenz strikes again.

What's gotten into you,
wasting food like that?

You better pick up
all that broccoli.

Okay,
that's rich.

I don't have to listen to you.
You're not even my real mom.

Oh, you bet your ass I am.

And just for that,
you not getting dessert.

Oh, you mean
the cobbler you baked?

Dad, why don't you do me a favor
and check your slippers.

Oh, holy mackerel.

There's peach cobbler
in my slippy dips.

- Come on!
- Double boom!

You just got slipper cobbler'd!

- #SlipperCobbler.
- Oh, that's enough.

You better get your ass to bed,
Dale. You trippin'.

Yeah.
Trippin' out of control, D-bone.

And don't you even think
about going to bed

without brushing your teeth.

I got a hundo followers, Trini.

I don't need to brush shit!

Mmm.

That is a great slipper cobbler,
babe.

Well, Fair-fuck me.

It's a beautiful day,
and the sun is flexing

on Melody's verified pool party

as influencers from
all social platforms arrive.

Who are you excited to see,
'Manda?

Honestly, no one.

My dads told me they're
getting a divorce last night,

and I am pretty shook.
Oh, my God!

It's Big Peenz!

Give it to me straight, Tru.

- How do I look?
- Emaciated.

Uh, shcapow, 117.

- No way!
- Oh, my God.

Yas!

♪ Gold dripping
from my necklace ♪

♪ The coasts we coast ♪

♪ Losing all perspective ♪

♪ The nights we toast ♪

♪ Hold it up to treasure ♪

♪ And don't you know, I-I ♪

- ♪ Popped the bubblegum...
- Holy moly.

It's like Raging Waters
fucked a Soho House.

Yo, look, a Wheat Thin wall!

Whoa,
diving board on the roof!

Check it, Quattro.
Free lip kits, baby.

Pigeon, please.
You ain't got no damn lips.

Puma brought a Puma?

Cheese!

Bobo, here. Peace sign.

- Oh, shit! Bobo the god.
- Oh! - Tight.

Oh, my God.

Jamón carving station.

You should have a bite, Benny.

You're starting to look
like E.T.

No way.

Nothing tastes as good
as skinny feels.

Yo, Dale, look. There's Lily.

Take it from a true gentleman,
bro.

Puncture her float.
She'll start drowning.

Then you resuscitate her
back to life,

and boom! You're a hero.

Or you could bring her, like,
a big bowl of rice with...

...uh,
some Pedialyte.

Yeah.
Thanks for the advice, guys,

but Big Peenz
has got this covered.

Truman, what did you do to him?

I think I created a mon...
Oh, my God.

It's Denis Villeneuve!

All right.
I'm-a pitch him

Untitled Shit Project.
Wish me luck.

I'm gonna go check out
the buffet

and, who knows,
maybe run into Melody,

become her muse,
have a sleepover.

I don't know.
Um, you gonna be okay alone?

Don't worry
about me, Tru.

I'm gonna change
into my bathing suit

and give this new bod

the grand entrance it deserves.

Someone tell the theater kids
to get the camera ready!

Yo, yo, yo! What up, Lil?

What'd you think
of my last Big Peenz vid?

Pretty dope. Pizza rules.

Oh, hey. Uh... sure, yeah.

- It was fun.
- Check it out.

Pizza in my pockets.

- Deep-dish.
- Ew.

How long has that been in there?

Couple hours. I also have
buffalo wings in my fanny.

Might drop 'em
in the hot tub later,

might not. We'll play it by ear.

Yeah, I don't really know
what to say.

That's really weird
of you, Dale.

- I thought you were different.
- I am different.

I'm Big Peenz, baby.

I have over a hundred followers.

Right. Okay, you know,

I think I'm gonna go
check out the Puma station.

- Come on, you guys. Let's go.
- Wait, wait, no, don't go.

I, uh, I have something
super big planned for you.

I-It's, like,
my biggest peen yet.

So j-just stay here, okay?

Whoa.

Melody Harper,

the League of Super Lit
Verified Sosh-Meed Monks

grants you
true influencer status

as we brand you

with our official
"V" rare check mark.

Stop it.
My foundation is caking.

Oh, shit!

Who the hell are you?

Oh, hey, Melody.
I-I'm Der...

I don't care! Get the hell out
of my verification ceremony.

No! Get off of me. Melody!

Oh, God,
that smells good.

And the camera lyrically sweeps

to land on a bootyhole.

Hey there,
Benny.

Principal Weston?
Am I hallucinating,

or is your wife bomb as fuck?

Nah, you see straight.
She fine as hell.

But wait, she doesn't mind
that you're a little thicc?

- My dude, she love the belly.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God!

Yo! Big Peenz
is about to jump off the roof

with pizza in his hands!

You've got this, Big Peenz.

Lily, this is for you!

Big Peenz!

Oh, my God, my eye!
I'm allergic to chlorine!

Bobo. Not again, Bobo!

No, no, no! No, no, no, no!

No, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no!

Cody!

What did you do, Dale?

I'm dying,
and it's all your fault.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean
to kill you at all.

I-I just wanted to impress Lily

and be a cool prank influencer
like you.

Oh, God, what have I done?

But you didn't even have

a charitable component.

And that's why you never mess
with The "Trian-glay."

Got you, Dale.

You're alive?

Boom. Suck it, Dale.

Oh, no.

Big Peenz Pizza Face!

Big Peenz Pizza Face!
Big Peenz Pizza Face!

- Big Peenz Pizza Face!
- Now, that's what I call

- a prank vid.
- No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

My precious followers!
How'd you do it?

A magician
never reveals his secrets.

Fuck it!

Poof! The chlorine in the eye?
That was all Cubby.

The Wheat Thin? All Shu, baby.

And Bobo the Puma and I
have done,

like, ten videos together.

You got to check out
his LinkedIn.

It's insane.

Wow. You guys
really are prank lords.

I'm so sorry
I tried to jack your style.

Ah, it's okay, Dale.

Pranking just isn't your brand.
It's ours.

You got to find your own lane
and be true to yourself.

Speaking of which,

we planted a tree
in the Canadian wilderness

in your name.
Hopefully, like this tree,

you can grow
into your true self.

You know, Cody's right, Dale.

I was going about this
all wrong.

Skinny isn't my brand, man.
Fat is.

DJ Khaled, Lizzo, Rick Ross.

The biggest influencers

are literally
the biggest influencers.

I shouldn't have been
losing weight, man.

I should've been gaining weight.

Oh, I'm proud of you, Benny.

Being true to yourself is,
like, the most body-posi move.

Bravo, Cody. That was amazing.

I don't get it, Denis. I thought
you was, like, super highbrow.

Ah, Truman,
sometimes the lowest of brows

can be the highest of brows.

The opening of Blade Runner
was a nine-minute trick shot.

I also love
les mozzarella sticks

- and corn dogs.
- Oui, bro, oui.

You just blew my mind.

The three of you
need to leave immediately.

Especially the loser
with zero followers.

Melody, you know me.

Girl, we're in Algebra together.

- No, stop it. Let me go!
- What? - Shit!

Truman, how would you like
to come PA for me

on the set of Dune 2?

Denis, I would love
to keep linking and building,

but my friends are having
a branding crisis

and they really need my help,
so I got to dip.

Hey there.

What's up to my zero followers.

Just want to say I'm
officially changing my handle.

Big Peenz is dead. From now on,

you can catch me @DalesTrailz
for science projects,

fire hiking tips
and nature vids.

Good night, Instagram.

No one wishes
Instagram good night, you noob.

You know what you kids
could use? Some dessert.

Awesome. Thanks, Mom.

Mmm. Yeah, this cobbler's
fire as fuck, Ms. Rubin.

Guys, look.

My first real follower.

And it's Lily!

- Hey! - Big pimpin'!
- Oh, what?!

My work here is done.

Now that Lily's following you,
pressure's on.

You got to keep up
with the hot content.

I think you mean
that hot "Dale-tent."

Get ready for it, guys,

'cause there's a storm a-coming.
Oh!

Do you think Lily
wants to see my rainstick?

Hey, Tru, film this.

- Rainstick dunk! - Hey!
- Hey,

- bro. -
- You got it, baby!

- Kobe!
- Gee, the Internet's gonna eat him alive.

- Should we tell him? - Nah.
- From way downtown,

- LeBron.
- Just let him have this.

Look
at this John Stockton-ass bitch

trying to make it rain.

There you go,
running your damn mouth again.

Now where we gonna sleep, huh?

♪ The block is hot ♪

♪ The block is hot ♪

♪ The block is hot ♪

♪ The block is hot ♪♪

Chirp.