F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 11 - Miss Parmenter - full transcript
Wilton's sister has eyes for the company bugler.
[♪♪♪]
There we go.
Are you all right,
sir? I'm fine, I'm fine.
Men, the stagecoach
is due any second,
and I just got
word it's carrying
Fort Courage's monthly payroll.
So be on the alert and
keep your rifles handy.
That's gonna
be a little difficult
because we didn't
bring our rifles.
You didn't bring your rifles?
Don't you remember the
time our payroll was stolen?
What will we do if there's
an attempted holdup?
We'll hide in the
saloon until it blows over.
Agarn, kindly remember
that you're a soldier.
Hi, sergeant. Hi, corporal.
Hi, Wilton. Good morning, Jane.
Are you here to meet the stage?
Well, let's just say we're
here on official business.
On account of today's
stage is carrying
Fort Courage's monthly payroll.
That is supposed to
be a military secret.
[♪♪♪]
Here it is, safe and sound.
Fort Courage's monthly payroll.
Some military secret.
Wilton, Wilton.
I don't believe it.
It's true. It's really me.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
He's kissing another girl
right in front of my lips.
Ms. Jane Angelica Thrift,
Sergeant Morgan O'Rourke,
Cpl. Randolph Agarn,
I proudly present my sister,
Ms. Daphne Parmenter.
Oh, Wilton. Are
you all right, sir?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. An
honor and a pleasure, ma'am.
I know so much about all
of you from Wilton's letters,
I feel like we're old friends.
Are you all right,
sis? I'm fine, I'm fine.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
That's our cannon. And
that's our lookout tower.
And that's our compost heap.
Well, Daf, now that
you've seen its highlights,
how do you like Fort Courage?
I think it's adorable.
No, it's just that we
don't call a Fort adorable,
y-you call it impressive.
Oh, I guess I was describing
it from the feminine viewpoint.
I try to be as
feminine as possible,
because I believe that
femininity is one of the traits
most males look for in females.
You're absolutely right.
I also try to keep
myself well-groomed.
I try the same
thing with my horse.
And to be a smooth dancer. Sis.
And a good listener. Sis?
Yes, brother? Stop pushing.
Come on, I'll
show you my office.
At ease, Dobbs. This is
Trooper Hannibal Dobbs.
My sister Daphne.
How do you do, ma'am?
Hi there. Are you married?
No, ma'am, I'm single. Daphne...
Pushing? Yes.
Did you come to Fort
Courage to visit your brother?
No, she came here to enlist.
I happened to be in
the area of Fort Courage
as part of my grand tour.
Your grand tour of what?
Agarn, don't be so nosy.
My mother sent me on a tour of
America in search of a husband.
I've been on the road
for four long years now
without even a nibble.
Nice weather we've
been having, isn't it?
Yup, yup, beautiful.
Yes, beautiful.
The days do seem
warmer than the nights.
However, in Venezuela,
the summers are in winter
and winters are in the summer.
What's your opinion
of love at first sight?
I don't know, ma'am.
I haven't formed one.
Captain, may I be dismissed
to practice my bugle?
Yes, you certainly may.
He's shy, isn't
he? Shy but virile.
Should I go after him? No.
Why not?
Wilton, if you'd been on
the road for four long years
without a nibble, you'd
be in there pushing too.
How do you like my
office? Oh, it's adorable.
I'm so proud of my big brother,
I could just bust
right out of my corset.
Yeah, well, we're very
proud of him too. We are.
Some of us would lay
down our lives for him.
Not many, but some.
Wilton, as commanding officer,
could you command Trooper
Dobbs to ask me for a date?
No, I definitely could not. Say,
what do you hear from Mother?
Oh, she's fine. I got a
letter from her last week.
"Dear Daphne. When
you get to Fort Courage,
"make Wilton let
you use the kitchen
"to bake a batch of
Toll House cookies.
"Then get a list of al...
"All members of F Troop
who are eligible bachelors.
"Then give those
men the cookies.
"Hope that their hearts will be
reached through their stomachs,
and that by some miracle, you
may get a proposal of marriage."
Daphne,
you have to read that out loud?
You asked me what I heard
from Mother, and I told you.
The rest of it is personal.
Trooper Duffy. Yes, sir?
Would you please escort
my sister to the mess hall?
She's going to bake
cookies. Yes, sir. Immediately.
Dear Mother...
Daphne is here.
Daphne is here.
I'm happy to report
that after four long
years on the road,
she is beginning to
come out of her shell.
[♪♪♪]
I made a little mess in
the mess hall, didn't I?
You sure did.
Duffy, I think maybe we
better get a special detail
to clean this mess up, huh?
Right away, sarge.
You'll do no such thing.
I believe that kitchen
work is woman's work.
Would you pass that
on to Trooper Dobbs?
Yes, ma'am.
Confidentially, I find
Trooper Dobbs very attractive.
We detected that.
I'm sure that he finds
you very attractive too.
Wouldn't you say so,
corporal? Absolutely.
But just in case he doesn't,
we've got a lot of
troopers who are bachelors.
For example, there's
always Trooper Vanderbilt.
Now, Vanderbilt is a little
on the nearsighted side,
but a heart of gold.
Never mind Vanderbilt.
Well, then, there's
always Trooper Duddleson.
We've got Duddleson, Duffy,
Hogan, Hightower, Anderson,
Henderson, Scully and Jones.
Brannigan...
I think that she has got her
cap set for Trooper Dobbs.
Okay, okay. Just trying to help.
But if she's been on the road
four long years without a nibble
I don't think she ought to put
all of her eggs in one basket.
All I'm saying.
Well, I think by now,
my Toll House cookies
should now be baked
to a light golden brown.
There you are, and thank you.
[♪♪♪]
Yes, well, I'd say that they're
kind of a light golden black.
I may have left them
in a little bit too long.
Will you try one and
tell me what you think?
Oh, well, yes.
Mm. Delicious. Honest?
We must get these on a
platter and pass them out
while they're still warm.
Right. Oh, marvelous.
Let's get something
a little strong...
I mean, a little bigger, larger.
You sure that you don't
need any help to clean this up?
Oh, I'm positive. All
right, fine. Come on.
Don't forget to save
some for Trooper Dobbs.
Yes.
Where should we begin? Nowhere.
What do you mean?
Here, take a taste.
See what I mean.
There we go. Thanks.
Have I got any teeth
left. They're fine.
Now what do you
think of Ms. Parmenter's
Toll House cookies?
Well, they taste like they
were made from real houses.
Why did you say
they're delicious?
I lied, that's why. I didn't
wanna hurt her feelings.
Listen, we gotta get rid
of these in some... Oh, oh.
I got an idea how we can
kill two birds with one stone.
Sarge, you can't throw these
at innocent birds. That's cruel.
[♪♪♪]
Crazy Cat, I tell
you for last time.
I not interested
in buying canoe.
But, chief, Hekawi
should have canoe.
Never. Why not?
If you never have canoe,
not get caught up
creek without a paddle.
But, chief, what's the
use of being Indian
if you don't have a canoe?
You wasting your
time, Crazy Cat.
But at least take a look.
You seen one canoe,
you seen them all.
Oh, but this one
very special, chief.
New kind of construction.
Made from special
kind of bark of tree.
Guaranteed first
unsinkable canoe.
But still could be very bad.
Canoe can hit rock. Tip over.
I fall in river... You
know I can't swim.
I drown, and
tribe get new chief.
When you get to the bad part?
[♪♪♪]
O'Rourke, we tired of excuses.
You 10 days late with
money for firewater.
We had some unexpected expenses.
We had to replace three tables.
You tell him, Agarn.
Broken in a friendly poker
game over three heads.
Now, we promised to pay,
you know that. We promised.
By the next moon at the latest.
Never mind with the moon.
You pay next Tuesday.
You got yourself a deal.
To show you that we
appreciate your cooperation,
we brought a present.
Here, wait a minute.
Show him, Agarn.
What these are?
Baby cannonballs?
What for you give us cannonballs
when we have no cannon?
Those are not cannonballs.
Those are Toll House cookies.
Home-baked.
How many times I have
to tell you? Chief first.
Now, tell the truth. Are they
yummy or are they yummy?
Just like mother used to make.
It was sweet of you
to invite me to lunch
so Daphne and I can
get better acquainted.
Even if I had to
cook lunch myself.
Except why can't we eat in the
mess hall with Trooper Dobbs?
Because officers and
enlisted men eat separately.
How about if you eat separately,
and Jane and I eat
with Trooper Dobbs?
I have a crush on him,
but so far he doesn't
seem to reciprocate.
I know the feeling.
Daphne... Oop! Oh, ha, ha, ha.
Oh, good old silly Willy,
as careless as ever.
Is that what you
call him, silly Willy?
I call him silly Willy, and
he calls me daffy Daphne.
Ha, ha. You did it too.
Have you heard I've been
on the road four long years
in search of a husband
without even a nibble?
No, I haven't. Daphne, please.
Let's not air the
family linen in public.
Why not? I'm not ashamed of it.
What's so unusual about a
woman desperate to be married?
Nothing.
A heart full of love, and a
trunk full of cookie recipes.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
Captain, sir. Ladies.
Sorry to disturb you, captain,
but we've got an emergency.
We have? Yes, sir.
We're getting serious smoke
signals from the Hekawi camp.
Let's see.
Hi there, Hannibal. Hi.
How did you like my
cookies? I didn't have any.
You didn't?
The other bachelors
ate them all up.
And they said they tasted
just like mother used to make.
Sergeant, would you
read the smoke signals?
Yes, sir. It says:
Attention, F Troop.
Attention, F Troop.
Wild Eagle in...
Heap big trouble.
Chief Wild Eagle
very sick in stomach.
Him got...
What him got? [SPEAKS
IN FOREIGN DIALECT]
What that mean? Bellyache.
Big news. How you
know it's bellyache?
You call O'Rourke
and Agarn come quick,
with paleface
scientific know-how.
O'Rourke and Agarn come quick.
Bring a paleface
scientific know-how.
Sergeant O'Rourke,
Corporal Agarn, to your horses.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Uh, sign it: Sincerely
yours, Crazy Cat,
future Hekawi chief.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Craze...
As acting Hekawi chief,
me bid you welcome.
As you ride
crooked trail of life,
may head of buffalo and
nose of antelope guide you...
All right, never mind the
small talk. Where is Wild Eagle?
Oh, in tepee.
Worse. Sinking fast.
What's new at Fort Courage?
Take us to him.
And on the double.
Say please. Me acting chief.
Oh, we'll knock you down.
Give him a please.
Please.
That better. Follow me.
[♪♪♪]
[CHANTING IN FOREIGN DIALECT]
[YELLING] Stop.
Wild Eagle say stop.
Me not know who you
are behind that mask.
You have some nerve
call yourself specialist.
Get lost.
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN DIALECT]
What did he say? Have
to charge for tepee call.
How do you feel? Me
feel awful bad, O'Rourke.
AGARN: Where does it hurt?
In right side of stomach.
Cookie poisoning.
How many of those
cookies did you eat?
Five, six, maybe 10.
What'd you do
with the rest of 'em?
Me gave to Hekawi children to
show what mother used to make.
Any of the children get sick?
No, just former
chief Wild Eagle.
At least that proves
it wasn't the cookies.
Maybe it's his heart.
Agarn, a man's heart is not
on the right side of his stomach.
With him, you never know.
Appendicitis.
How does this feel?
[SCREAMS]
That's it, appendicitis.
If you've got what I think,
you've got to have an operation.
Here, use my knife.
Agarn and I are gonna go
get a paleface medicine man,
and we'll get back just as
soon as we can, all right?
You just stay right there
and... And don't move.
[MOANING]
[♪♪♪]
Stop pushing.
Stop pushing.
The nearest surgeon
is in Gulch City.
How far is that? Twenty miles.
You'll have to
ride like the wind.
Here are the fresh horses.
Isn't he gorgeous? Which one?
Trooper Dobbs.
Let's go.
[♪♪♪]
As long as the
fort gates are open,
why don't you and
I take a little walk
and sit beside some shady brook?
I'd like to, ma'am,
but I'm on duty.
Wilton, can Trooper Dobbs
have a two-hour pass?
Yes, he may.
Jane, would you like
to take a little walk
and sit beside some shady brook?
I'd love it. Good, good.
Dobbs and I will walk up ahead
and look out for rattlesnakes.
Your brother sure has a lot
to learn about double-dating.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, doc, you gotta
come with us right away.
Come on, doc. Wake up, wake up.
Save your breath.
The man is drunk.
You're right, sarge. I
thought it was cough syrup.
We ride 20 miles to find
a surgeon, find him drunk.
What are we gonna do, sarge?
We're gonna sober him up.
That's what we're gonna do.
Go see if that coffee is hot.
All right, come on, let's shape
up here and pull yourself...
[YELLS]
Pour out a mug,
keep it coming. Black.
You got work to do. You
got a man's life to save.
Here, straighten up, all right?
Drink this. It'll
make you feel better.
That's the way.
Now, you've got a man's
life to save, do you hear me?
Come on, you cheap
miserable drunk you.
I'm appealing to
his sense of pride.
You got an appendectomy to
perform, or the patient may die.
Just keep saying to yourself,
"I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor.
I took a solemn oath
to serve my fellow man."
Reach down inside yourself
and pull up the last
shreds of human dignity.
Who, me? No, no, him.
Where am I?
You're in your office.
I am not. I'm in my
brother-in-law's office.
Dr. D. Mordecai, and
he's gone on vacation.
I came in here just
to get drink of coffee...
[♪♪♪]
Here they are. Okay.
Where's the surgeon?
It's a sad story.
Captain, no surgeon. The
doctor's away on vacation.
I see. Very well.
We'll have to take out Chief
Wild Eagle's appendix ourselves.
The only question is how.
We borrowed all the
necessary equipment,
and a medical textbook
with instructions.
Good thinking, men.
Very well, let's go.
Dobbs, I'm leaving
you in charge of the fort.
And we can take along Jane
and Daphne to act as nurses.
We'll pick up Jane on
the way. Do I have to?
Hannibal's just beginning
to warm up to me.
He can warm up to
you later. Come on.
Bye-bye, Hanny, see you soon.
What keeping them?
What keeping them?
Maybe they forget.
Stop pushing. O'Rourke
and Agarn not forget.
They not want Wild Eagle
go happy hunting ground.
How's the chief?
Old chief not so
hot. New chief fine.
Listen, Wild Eagle, we couldn't
find the paleface medicine man,
but we're gonna make
you better ourselves.
Wild Eagle, I'd like
to present my sister.
She's here on a visit,
Ms. Daphne Parmenter.
I'm looking for a husband.
I've been on the
road four long years...
Daf, we don't have time for
that now. We have to get to work.
Craze, we need a lot of light.
Get all the torches
that you can find.
Here, Jane, look up
appendicitis in there,
and read the directions aloud.
Who's gonna be the doctor? I am.
As commanding
officer, it's my duty.
Yeah, and I'll be the
anesthetist, and the...
You stand by and
help your brother.
I know what I'll do. What?
I'm gonna wait outside. I
can't stand the sight of blood.
All right, folks, let's
have total silence.
The slightest noise could
cause a fatal slip of the knife.
All right, now,
while we wait to make
sure he's really out,
let's have a practice run.
Go on.
"The appendix is a narrow tube
about the size of a goose quill,
"with an average
length of three inches.
"To remove it, first
make the incision
through the wall
of the abdomen."
Scalpel.
Ow! Not so hard.
Carry on with the practice.
Sponge.
Nice going, sis. You got
him right in the incision.
May I suggest that Ms.
Parmenter reads the instructions
and Janey assists me,
and that I do the operation.
Well, then what will
I do? How's it going?
We haven't even started yet.
Sergeant, you take
care of that patient
and I'll take care of this one.
[♪♪♪]
[READING INAUDIBLY]
[SNORING]
Well, that's it. You
finished just in time.
Yeah.
Chief, it's all over.
You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna be all right now.
It's all over.
DAPHNE: He's going
to be as good as new.
A wise old Indian saying:
When tail of coyote
wags at foot of possum,
bluebird of happiness
will fly no more.
I'm not sure I understand
what that means.
Craze, you tell him.
Means him win, me lose.
[♪♪♪]
Well, sis, bon voyage. And
good luck in nursing school.
Oh, thank you.
I hope I'm not wrong about
discovering
something better to do
than traipse around the
country on an endless manhunt.
Well, you'll probably find
a man in nursing school.
You mean a male nurse? A doctor.
It's possible.
And then again, it's possible
I found my prince
charming right here.
Will you write to
me? Yes, ma'am.
How often? Twice a month.
Fair enough. I'll write
to you five times a week.
Goodbye. Goodbye, sis.
Goodbye, ma'am. It's a pleasure.
It was lovely. Oh.
Au revoir. Au revoir.
Au revoir.
Goodbye, goodbye. Oh.
Stop.
Stop. Stop. Stop!
Sweet kid, but
she's a little clumsy.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
There we go.
Are you all right,
sir? I'm fine, I'm fine.
Men, the stagecoach
is due any second,
and I just got
word it's carrying
Fort Courage's monthly payroll.
So be on the alert and
keep your rifles handy.
That's gonna
be a little difficult
because we didn't
bring our rifles.
You didn't bring your rifles?
Don't you remember the
time our payroll was stolen?
What will we do if there's
an attempted holdup?
We'll hide in the
saloon until it blows over.
Agarn, kindly remember
that you're a soldier.
Hi, sergeant. Hi, corporal.
Hi, Wilton. Good morning, Jane.
Are you here to meet the stage?
Well, let's just say we're
here on official business.
On account of today's
stage is carrying
Fort Courage's monthly payroll.
That is supposed to
be a military secret.
[♪♪♪]
Here it is, safe and sound.
Fort Courage's monthly payroll.
Some military secret.
Wilton, Wilton.
I don't believe it.
It's true. It's really me.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
He's kissing another girl
right in front of my lips.
Ms. Jane Angelica Thrift,
Sergeant Morgan O'Rourke,
Cpl. Randolph Agarn,
I proudly present my sister,
Ms. Daphne Parmenter.
Oh, Wilton. Are
you all right, sir?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. An
honor and a pleasure, ma'am.
I know so much about all
of you from Wilton's letters,
I feel like we're old friends.
Are you all right,
sis? I'm fine, I'm fine.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
That's our cannon. And
that's our lookout tower.
And that's our compost heap.
Well, Daf, now that
you've seen its highlights,
how do you like Fort Courage?
I think it's adorable.
No, it's just that we
don't call a Fort adorable,
y-you call it impressive.
Oh, I guess I was describing
it from the feminine viewpoint.
I try to be as
feminine as possible,
because I believe that
femininity is one of the traits
most males look for in females.
You're absolutely right.
I also try to keep
myself well-groomed.
I try the same
thing with my horse.
And to be a smooth dancer. Sis.
And a good listener. Sis?
Yes, brother? Stop pushing.
Come on, I'll
show you my office.
At ease, Dobbs. This is
Trooper Hannibal Dobbs.
My sister Daphne.
How do you do, ma'am?
Hi there. Are you married?
No, ma'am, I'm single. Daphne...
Pushing? Yes.
Did you come to Fort
Courage to visit your brother?
No, she came here to enlist.
I happened to be in
the area of Fort Courage
as part of my grand tour.
Your grand tour of what?
Agarn, don't be so nosy.
My mother sent me on a tour of
America in search of a husband.
I've been on the road
for four long years now
without even a nibble.
Nice weather we've
been having, isn't it?
Yup, yup, beautiful.
Yes, beautiful.
The days do seem
warmer than the nights.
However, in Venezuela,
the summers are in winter
and winters are in the summer.
What's your opinion
of love at first sight?
I don't know, ma'am.
I haven't formed one.
Captain, may I be dismissed
to practice my bugle?
Yes, you certainly may.
He's shy, isn't
he? Shy but virile.
Should I go after him? No.
Why not?
Wilton, if you'd been on
the road for four long years
without a nibble, you'd
be in there pushing too.
How do you like my
office? Oh, it's adorable.
I'm so proud of my big brother,
I could just bust
right out of my corset.
Yeah, well, we're very
proud of him too. We are.
Some of us would lay
down our lives for him.
Not many, but some.
Wilton, as commanding officer,
could you command Trooper
Dobbs to ask me for a date?
No, I definitely could not. Say,
what do you hear from Mother?
Oh, she's fine. I got a
letter from her last week.
"Dear Daphne. When
you get to Fort Courage,
"make Wilton let
you use the kitchen
"to bake a batch of
Toll House cookies.
"Then get a list of al...
"All members of F Troop
who are eligible bachelors.
"Then give those
men the cookies.
"Hope that their hearts will be
reached through their stomachs,
and that by some miracle, you
may get a proposal of marriage."
Daphne,
you have to read that out loud?
You asked me what I heard
from Mother, and I told you.
The rest of it is personal.
Trooper Duffy. Yes, sir?
Would you please escort
my sister to the mess hall?
She's going to bake
cookies. Yes, sir. Immediately.
Dear Mother...
Daphne is here.
Daphne is here.
I'm happy to report
that after four long
years on the road,
she is beginning to
come out of her shell.
[♪♪♪]
I made a little mess in
the mess hall, didn't I?
You sure did.
Duffy, I think maybe we
better get a special detail
to clean this mess up, huh?
Right away, sarge.
You'll do no such thing.
I believe that kitchen
work is woman's work.
Would you pass that
on to Trooper Dobbs?
Yes, ma'am.
Confidentially, I find
Trooper Dobbs very attractive.
We detected that.
I'm sure that he finds
you very attractive too.
Wouldn't you say so,
corporal? Absolutely.
But just in case he doesn't,
we've got a lot of
troopers who are bachelors.
For example, there's
always Trooper Vanderbilt.
Now, Vanderbilt is a little
on the nearsighted side,
but a heart of gold.
Never mind Vanderbilt.
Well, then, there's
always Trooper Duddleson.
We've got Duddleson, Duffy,
Hogan, Hightower, Anderson,
Henderson, Scully and Jones.
Brannigan...
I think that she has got her
cap set for Trooper Dobbs.
Okay, okay. Just trying to help.
But if she's been on the road
four long years without a nibble
I don't think she ought to put
all of her eggs in one basket.
All I'm saying.
Well, I think by now,
my Toll House cookies
should now be baked
to a light golden brown.
There you are, and thank you.
[♪♪♪]
Yes, well, I'd say that they're
kind of a light golden black.
I may have left them
in a little bit too long.
Will you try one and
tell me what you think?
Oh, well, yes.
Mm. Delicious. Honest?
We must get these on a
platter and pass them out
while they're still warm.
Right. Oh, marvelous.
Let's get something
a little strong...
I mean, a little bigger, larger.
You sure that you don't
need any help to clean this up?
Oh, I'm positive. All
right, fine. Come on.
Don't forget to save
some for Trooper Dobbs.
Yes.
Where should we begin? Nowhere.
What do you mean?
Here, take a taste.
See what I mean.
There we go. Thanks.
Have I got any teeth
left. They're fine.
Now what do you
think of Ms. Parmenter's
Toll House cookies?
Well, they taste like they
were made from real houses.
Why did you say
they're delicious?
I lied, that's why. I didn't
wanna hurt her feelings.
Listen, we gotta get rid
of these in some... Oh, oh.
I got an idea how we can
kill two birds with one stone.
Sarge, you can't throw these
at innocent birds. That's cruel.
[♪♪♪]
Crazy Cat, I tell
you for last time.
I not interested
in buying canoe.
But, chief, Hekawi
should have canoe.
Never. Why not?
If you never have canoe,
not get caught up
creek without a paddle.
But, chief, what's the
use of being Indian
if you don't have a canoe?
You wasting your
time, Crazy Cat.
But at least take a look.
You seen one canoe,
you seen them all.
Oh, but this one
very special, chief.
New kind of construction.
Made from special
kind of bark of tree.
Guaranteed first
unsinkable canoe.
But still could be very bad.
Canoe can hit rock. Tip over.
I fall in river... You
know I can't swim.
I drown, and
tribe get new chief.
When you get to the bad part?
[♪♪♪]
O'Rourke, we tired of excuses.
You 10 days late with
money for firewater.
We had some unexpected expenses.
We had to replace three tables.
You tell him, Agarn.
Broken in a friendly poker
game over three heads.
Now, we promised to pay,
you know that. We promised.
By the next moon at the latest.
Never mind with the moon.
You pay next Tuesday.
You got yourself a deal.
To show you that we
appreciate your cooperation,
we brought a present.
Here, wait a minute.
Show him, Agarn.
What these are?
Baby cannonballs?
What for you give us cannonballs
when we have no cannon?
Those are not cannonballs.
Those are Toll House cookies.
Home-baked.
How many times I have
to tell you? Chief first.
Now, tell the truth. Are they
yummy or are they yummy?
Just like mother used to make.
It was sweet of you
to invite me to lunch
so Daphne and I can
get better acquainted.
Even if I had to
cook lunch myself.
Except why can't we eat in the
mess hall with Trooper Dobbs?
Because officers and
enlisted men eat separately.
How about if you eat separately,
and Jane and I eat
with Trooper Dobbs?
I have a crush on him,
but so far he doesn't
seem to reciprocate.
I know the feeling.
Daphne... Oop! Oh, ha, ha, ha.
Oh, good old silly Willy,
as careless as ever.
Is that what you
call him, silly Willy?
I call him silly Willy, and
he calls me daffy Daphne.
Ha, ha. You did it too.
Have you heard I've been
on the road four long years
in search of a husband
without even a nibble?
No, I haven't. Daphne, please.
Let's not air the
family linen in public.
Why not? I'm not ashamed of it.
What's so unusual about a
woman desperate to be married?
Nothing.
A heart full of love, and a
trunk full of cookie recipes.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
Captain, sir. Ladies.
Sorry to disturb you, captain,
but we've got an emergency.
We have? Yes, sir.
We're getting serious smoke
signals from the Hekawi camp.
Let's see.
Hi there, Hannibal. Hi.
How did you like my
cookies? I didn't have any.
You didn't?
The other bachelors
ate them all up.
And they said they tasted
just like mother used to make.
Sergeant, would you
read the smoke signals?
Yes, sir. It says:
Attention, F Troop.
Attention, F Troop.
Wild Eagle in...
Heap big trouble.
Chief Wild Eagle
very sick in stomach.
Him got...
What him got? [SPEAKS
IN FOREIGN DIALECT]
What that mean? Bellyache.
Big news. How you
know it's bellyache?
You call O'Rourke
and Agarn come quick,
with paleface
scientific know-how.
O'Rourke and Agarn come quick.
Bring a paleface
scientific know-how.
Sergeant O'Rourke,
Corporal Agarn, to your horses.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Uh, sign it: Sincerely
yours, Crazy Cat,
future Hekawi chief.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Craze...
As acting Hekawi chief,
me bid you welcome.
As you ride
crooked trail of life,
may head of buffalo and
nose of antelope guide you...
All right, never mind the
small talk. Where is Wild Eagle?
Oh, in tepee.
Worse. Sinking fast.
What's new at Fort Courage?
Take us to him.
And on the double.
Say please. Me acting chief.
Oh, we'll knock you down.
Give him a please.
Please.
That better. Follow me.
[♪♪♪]
[CHANTING IN FOREIGN DIALECT]
[YELLING] Stop.
Wild Eagle say stop.
Me not know who you
are behind that mask.
You have some nerve
call yourself specialist.
Get lost.
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN DIALECT]
What did he say? Have
to charge for tepee call.
How do you feel? Me
feel awful bad, O'Rourke.
AGARN: Where does it hurt?
In right side of stomach.
Cookie poisoning.
How many of those
cookies did you eat?
Five, six, maybe 10.
What'd you do
with the rest of 'em?
Me gave to Hekawi children to
show what mother used to make.
Any of the children get sick?
No, just former
chief Wild Eagle.
At least that proves
it wasn't the cookies.
Maybe it's his heart.
Agarn, a man's heart is not
on the right side of his stomach.
With him, you never know.
Appendicitis.
How does this feel?
[SCREAMS]
That's it, appendicitis.
If you've got what I think,
you've got to have an operation.
Here, use my knife.
Agarn and I are gonna go
get a paleface medicine man,
and we'll get back just as
soon as we can, all right?
You just stay right there
and... And don't move.
[MOANING]
[♪♪♪]
Stop pushing.
Stop pushing.
The nearest surgeon
is in Gulch City.
How far is that? Twenty miles.
You'll have to
ride like the wind.
Here are the fresh horses.
Isn't he gorgeous? Which one?
Trooper Dobbs.
Let's go.
[♪♪♪]
As long as the
fort gates are open,
why don't you and
I take a little walk
and sit beside some shady brook?
I'd like to, ma'am,
but I'm on duty.
Wilton, can Trooper Dobbs
have a two-hour pass?
Yes, he may.
Jane, would you like
to take a little walk
and sit beside some shady brook?
I'd love it. Good, good.
Dobbs and I will walk up ahead
and look out for rattlesnakes.
Your brother sure has a lot
to learn about double-dating.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, doc, you gotta
come with us right away.
Come on, doc. Wake up, wake up.
Save your breath.
The man is drunk.
You're right, sarge. I
thought it was cough syrup.
We ride 20 miles to find
a surgeon, find him drunk.
What are we gonna do, sarge?
We're gonna sober him up.
That's what we're gonna do.
Go see if that coffee is hot.
All right, come on, let's shape
up here and pull yourself...
[YELLS]
Pour out a mug,
keep it coming. Black.
You got work to do. You
got a man's life to save.
Here, straighten up, all right?
Drink this. It'll
make you feel better.
That's the way.
Now, you've got a man's
life to save, do you hear me?
Come on, you cheap
miserable drunk you.
I'm appealing to
his sense of pride.
You got an appendectomy to
perform, or the patient may die.
Just keep saying to yourself,
"I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor.
I took a solemn oath
to serve my fellow man."
Reach down inside yourself
and pull up the last
shreds of human dignity.
Who, me? No, no, him.
Where am I?
You're in your office.
I am not. I'm in my
brother-in-law's office.
Dr. D. Mordecai, and
he's gone on vacation.
I came in here just
to get drink of coffee...
[♪♪♪]
Here they are. Okay.
Where's the surgeon?
It's a sad story.
Captain, no surgeon. The
doctor's away on vacation.
I see. Very well.
We'll have to take out Chief
Wild Eagle's appendix ourselves.
The only question is how.
We borrowed all the
necessary equipment,
and a medical textbook
with instructions.
Good thinking, men.
Very well, let's go.
Dobbs, I'm leaving
you in charge of the fort.
And we can take along Jane
and Daphne to act as nurses.
We'll pick up Jane on
the way. Do I have to?
Hannibal's just beginning
to warm up to me.
He can warm up to
you later. Come on.
Bye-bye, Hanny, see you soon.
What keeping them?
What keeping them?
Maybe they forget.
Stop pushing. O'Rourke
and Agarn not forget.
They not want Wild Eagle
go happy hunting ground.
How's the chief?
Old chief not so
hot. New chief fine.
Listen, Wild Eagle, we couldn't
find the paleface medicine man,
but we're gonna make
you better ourselves.
Wild Eagle, I'd like
to present my sister.
She's here on a visit,
Ms. Daphne Parmenter.
I'm looking for a husband.
I've been on the
road four long years...
Daf, we don't have time for
that now. We have to get to work.
Craze, we need a lot of light.
Get all the torches
that you can find.
Here, Jane, look up
appendicitis in there,
and read the directions aloud.
Who's gonna be the doctor? I am.
As commanding
officer, it's my duty.
Yeah, and I'll be the
anesthetist, and the...
You stand by and
help your brother.
I know what I'll do. What?
I'm gonna wait outside. I
can't stand the sight of blood.
All right, folks, let's
have total silence.
The slightest noise could
cause a fatal slip of the knife.
All right, now,
while we wait to make
sure he's really out,
let's have a practice run.
Go on.
"The appendix is a narrow tube
about the size of a goose quill,
"with an average
length of three inches.
"To remove it, first
make the incision
through the wall
of the abdomen."
Scalpel.
Ow! Not so hard.
Carry on with the practice.
Sponge.
Nice going, sis. You got
him right in the incision.
May I suggest that Ms.
Parmenter reads the instructions
and Janey assists me,
and that I do the operation.
Well, then what will
I do? How's it going?
We haven't even started yet.
Sergeant, you take
care of that patient
and I'll take care of this one.
[♪♪♪]
[READING INAUDIBLY]
[SNORING]
Well, that's it. You
finished just in time.
Yeah.
Chief, it's all over.
You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna be all right now.
It's all over.
DAPHNE: He's going
to be as good as new.
A wise old Indian saying:
When tail of coyote
wags at foot of possum,
bluebird of happiness
will fly no more.
I'm not sure I understand
what that means.
Craze, you tell him.
Means him win, me lose.
[♪♪♪]
Well, sis, bon voyage. And
good luck in nursing school.
Oh, thank you.
I hope I'm not wrong about
discovering
something better to do
than traipse around the
country on an endless manhunt.
Well, you'll probably find
a man in nursing school.
You mean a male nurse? A doctor.
It's possible.
And then again, it's possible
I found my prince
charming right here.
Will you write to
me? Yes, ma'am.
How often? Twice a month.
Fair enough. I'll write
to you five times a week.
Goodbye. Goodbye, sis.
Goodbye, ma'am. It's a pleasure.
It was lovely. Oh.
Au revoir. Au revoir.
Au revoir.
Goodbye, goodbye. Oh.
Stop.
Stop. Stop. Stop!
Sweet kid, but
she's a little clumsy.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]