F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 10 - For Who the Bugle Tolls - full transcript

A visiting Colonel judges a troop by its bugler and Fort Courage has the world's worse.

AGARN: Put some
of that muscle in there!

Move it now. That's it, boys.

[ALL CHEERING]

Vanderbilt, come on,
get up in the tower.

Now that we got it
fixed, we gotta test it.

Sarge, I'm not
going up in that tower

until you prove to me
that it won't fall down.

Vanderbilt, nobody
likes a scaredy-cat.

I'm not a scaredy-cat.

But every time it falls down,
I keep breaking my glasses.

I'm going broke.



Well, all right. Agarn,
you go up in the tower.

Homina homina.

Me?

Yeah, you.

Yeah, Agarn. Nobody
loves a scaredy-cat.

Stop. Wait a minute,
he's wearing glasses.

Go on up in the tower.

You come with me.

[♪♪♪]

You all set, Agarn?

All right, Vanderbilt.

Heh! Hey, look at that!

O'ROURKE: All right. Come
on, you can come on down now.

Come on down, Agarn. Get
up in the tower, Vanderbilt.



Let's go.

Scaredy-cat.

Hi, sergeant. What's going on?

Oh, we just put the
tower up again, Janey.

Solid as a rock. Yeah.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, boy. Sure falls like a rock.

All right, you men.
Put it up again.

Is the captain in his quarters?

This here message just came
over the wire from headquarters.

I'll take it to him, Janey.

Stop that, nosey.
You ain't got no call

reading military
messages for the captain.

That's right. I'm
surprised at you, Agarn.

If that message had been
intended for your eyes,

it would've had your name on it.

Oh. Janey, that's a nice
hat you're wearing. I like that.

Only thing, you
oughta tilt it a little.

Should I? Maybe...

Nah. No, no, I guess
girls know how to wear

your hats better than
I do. Oh, by the way,

the captain is in his quarters.

Thanks. See you later.

What did it say?

It said they're sending
Colonel William Bartlett

out to inspect us the
day after tomorrow.

Another inspection?
And just when we get

the souvenir
business going good.

And right while we
got all those cases

of Hekawi whiskey
stashed at the NCO club.

Well, all we gotta
do is... Wait a minute.

Did you say Colonel
William Bartlett?

Yeah.

William Bartlett. Bill Bartlett.

Hey, that's it.

Bugle Bill Bartlett. Bugle Bill?

They call him that because
he's got this thing about buglers

ever since one big Indian fight.

He hollered "charge" and
the bugler blew "retreat."

What happened? He
was out there by himself.

Before he figured that
out he was so full of arrows

that a porcupine
followed him home.

[LAUGHS]

That's funny.
It's not that funny.

But I'll tell you what is funny.

See, he's got this thing.
Now, if he gets bugged

by a bugler on the fort,

he'll hang around for weeks,
poking his nose into this,

turning everything upside down.

Oh, boy. We'd be in trouble.

Now, on the other hand,
if he likes the bugler, see,

then he just goes away and
we don't have any trouble.

[BUGLE SQUEAKING]

BOTH: We are in trouble.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[GASPS]

That's my Secret
Service training.

Thanks, Jane, for delivering it.

Well, there is one way

that you can show
your appreciation.

I know, but at the moment,
I don't have any change.

I didn't mean that. I mean this:

Oh, that. Well, no, no, no.

I'm sorry, Jane. I'd like to,

but I'm on the verge of a
cold, it wouldn't be fair to you.

Wilton Parmenter, I
don't know why I bother

delivering
telegrams to a critter

who doesn't seem
to get the message.

Hey, here he comes.

[WHISTLING]

Well, two days don't give
us much time to work on him.

I know. But just remember
how sensitive he is

about his bugle playing.

We gotta be careful
how we handle this.

I know, I know. Don't worry.

Shh-shh.

BOTH: ♪ For he's a jolly good
fellow For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny ♪

Happy birthday, Dobbsey.

For me? Gosh.

A new bugle.

Gosh, fellas, thanks a...

Hey, wait a minute.
Today ain't my birthday.

It ain't?

No. My birthday
ain't for months.

Oh, well. That's for last
year's birthday. All right?

Better late than never.

Go on, try it out.
Play something.

Okay. Here goes.

[BUGLE SQUEAKING]

[CHUCKLES] You
fellows won't believe this,

but I never had a
lesson in my life.

Dobbs, with the talent you got,

lessons would be
a waste of money.

What do you mean by that?

Not that you don't sound good.

But you could be one
of the all-time greats

if you'd just practice
a little every day.

Practice?

Nine, ten hours.

No, fellows.

See, when you're a
natural player like me,

practice could be
dangerous. It could ruin you.

Chance it.

No.

I guess I'd best leave
well enough alone.

Wait a minute,
Dobbs. I got an idea.

Why don't you go up
on Glass Mountain,

try out your new bugle
with all the echoes up there?

You can play
duets with yourself.

Hey, sarge, that's a nice idea.

And thanks again
for the new bugle.

Yeah. And, well, happy birthday.

Agarn, I tell you,
there are times

when you got to take
the bull by the horn.

[BUGLE SQUEAKING]

That Hekawi whiskey
will kill anything.

Here. You're next.

Sergeant? Oh, yes, sir.

What is going on here?
And where is Dobbs?

Well, Dobbs is up on
Glass Mountain, sir.

It's a matter of tact, captain,

while we audition
his replacement.

Replacement? Yes, sir.

I think it's time for
Dobbs to step down.

For the good of the troop.

Sergeant, I fail to
see how you can...

Captain, Colonel Bartlett
often judges an entire fort

by the ability of its bugler.

Now, you will admit that
Dobbs' musical talent is,

well, limited.

But judging an entire fort
on the basis of its bugler?

That's the silliest
thing I ever heard of.

Yeah, true.
Unfortunate but true.

Yes, the last fort where
he didn't like the bugler,

he had the captain transferred.

Transferred? Yes, sir.

To the swamplands of Louisiana.

Swampland? Uh-huh.

Oh, uh...

Well, I suppose under
the circumstances

that the welfare of
the fort does come first.

You may proceed,
sergeant. But understand,

this is only for the duration
of the colonel's stay.

Yes, sir. All right.

You all know what
you're here for.

[BUGLE SQUEAKING]

The idea is to find someone
better than Dobbs, not worse.

Is there anyone here who
has a musical background?

Me, sir.

All right, Vanderbilt. You try.

[BUGLE SQUEAKING]

What kind of a musical
background did you have?

My sister played the violin.

Sergeant, didn't you explain?

Yes, sir. I did explain.

Men, we have an
emergency on our hands.

We must find
someone in this fort

who can satisfy
Colonel Bartlett.

[SAXOPHONE SQUEAKING]

Something wrong, sarge?

Good try, corporal.
But I doubt that it would

be appropriate while
charging on horseback.

How about this?

[PLAYS HARMONICA]

[ALL PLAY INSTRUMENTS]

Men, men. No, no, no.
That's not what we want.

Men, don't. Men... Men.

What did you say, sir?

I said we're going
to have to get Dobbs

to practice, practice, practice.

[BUGLE SQUEAKING]

Forward, march.

[BUGLE PLAYING IN DISTANCE]

To the rear, march.

To the rear, march.

To the rear, march.

To the rear, march!

[BUGLE PLAYS "TAPS"]

[PLAYING]

[BUGLE PLAYING]

[HORSES WHINNYING]

[INHALES SHARPLY]

[BUGLE PLAYING]

[ALL WHINNYING]

[ALL BELLOWING]

[SCREAMS]

[♪♪♪]

[BUGLE SQUEAKING]

[YAWNS] At ease, men. At ease.

Excuse me.

Men, we've all
had a difficult night.

[ALL MURMUR]

But we must make
the minutes count today

so that when Inspector
Bartlett arrives tomorrow,

we'll all be proud of our fort.

And Dobbs.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Dobbs. I want
you to continue

practicing for the
balance of the day.

[ALL GROAN]

How dare you give your
captain the grumbles!

Sir, I don't mean to complain,
but my lips are all swoll up.

This practice is killing me.

Well, it's not doing the
rest of us any good either.

I was saying, we're very
fortunate that we have

some time left so
that you can learn to...

Captain! A rider is
approaching the gate.

[♪♪♪]

I'm Colonel Bartlett.

Whoa. Colonel Bartlett?

Uh, well.

[CHUCKLES] I-I'm Captain
Wilton Parmenter, sir.

I-I do... You're early.

That is, we weren't
expecting you till tomorrow.

An old trick of mine,
captain. Catch 'em unaware.

[ALL LAUGH]

Well, I imagine you've
had a very long trip, sir.

You probably would appreciate
a, uh... A nice warm bath.

You can feel free to use my tub.

No, no, I only
bathe in ice water.

Ah, that can wait. Well,
carry on with your schedule.

Well, actually, sir,
we were all through.

I was just about to dismiss
the men for breakfast.

Very well. Have the
bugler play "Mess Call."

"Mess Call"?

Yes. That's a little number

that's become quite
popular in this man's army.

I know, sir. I know.
But technically, you see,

when the troop is already
assembled, you don't blow...

Captain, I'm well
aware of the regulations.

Now I'd like to
hear "Mess Call."

If it isn't too much trouble.

Oh, no, sir. No.

But I was just
thinking, colonel, uh,

maybe you'd like to see...

Maybe you'd like to
look around the town first.

You really ought to
see the town first, sir.

We have a lot of new,
interesting things to see.

Isn't that right,
colonel? Corporal?

Oh, yes... Oh, yes.
There's the horse trough.

Take you into town
to see the barber pole.

It's red and white.

Watch a couple of haircuts.

Or the bakery. Smell
a couple of pies.

And then there's this
guy who sits in front

of the general store
and he whittles.

Gosh, how he can whittle.

I'm sure these points of
interest aren't gonna run away.

Now may I hear "Mess call"?

DUFFY: Captain!

Another rider is
approaching the gate.

[♪♪♪]

Colonel, sir.

What is it, Jenks?

Sir, I checked out
that herd of horses

headquarters
want us to look into.

They appear to
be a very good buy.

Oh, I see.

How far is that ranch?

About 17 miles, sir.

Forts. Horses.

I suppose I'd
better go up there.

I'll inspect here tomorrow.

But, sir, you're due
at Fort Mills tomorrow.

Oh, that's right.

Well, in that case,
I'll have to postpone

this inspection for the
next couple of months.

Aw, shame you
missed our bugler, sir.

He's the best in the
West. Isn't he, captain?

Oh, yes. Absolutely. Yes, sir.

He's that good, eh?

Well, in that case, I'm
going to make it a point

to stop back here this evening
to hear him play "Retreat."

[♪♪♪]

Agarn, how long would it take
for you to get your saxophone?

Oh, just a minute, sarge. Why?

Because I wanna ram
it down your big mouth.

Come on, Wilton. It ain't no
use pacing around like that.

Why, you act like a turkey on
the day before Thanksgiving.

I'm worried, Janey. This
is a very bad situation.

How would you like to go to
the swamplands of Louisiana?

Is that a proposal, Wilton?

Ye... No! Janey, I'm serious.

Colonel Bartlett has been known

to order transfers
to places like that.

What could be worse?

Transferring Dobbs with you.

I'll send for Dobbs and
as soon as he gets here,

we'll start going over...

Oh, sir. Dobbs has disappeared.

Disappeared?

Yes, sir, and we've
turned the fort upside down.

Oh, my gosh.

I hope nothing has
happened to him.

Has he been gone long?

About a half-hour. Right
after my headache went away.

Actually, sir, he
complained of being ill

and I sent him
over to his quarters.

An hour later I went
over, and no Dobbs.

Not even a wrinkle in his bunk.

He always did make a tight bed.

Did he take anything with him?

Just the clothes on his
back, his bugle and...

A picture of his mother.

This is very disturbing.

Now I'm sorry we
drove him so hard.

I think he needed
encouragement instead of criticism.

I feel guilty about that.

Well, not me.

I told the colonel
he played just great.

There's no time to delay.

Sergeant, organize
search parties.

Right. I'll see if Wild
Eagle won't give us a hand.

Good. Wild Eagle?

Yes, sir. The Hekawi know
every inch of those hills.

If you think they can
be of real assistance.

Oh, yes, sir.

I know that Wild Eagle
will be happy to help.

What's in it for me?

Chief, we're counting on you.

Counting, counting.

Better you count the coward's
share of souvenir money.

First of moon
bill's way overdue.

Chief, I gotta say I think
it's pretty small of you.

But if money's all you
think about, all right.

Twenty dollars reward for
the safe return of Dobbs.

Ten dollars down, the rest, COD.

All right, I got
no time to argue.

[MUMBLES]

Here it is.

Now get your best
trackers up in those hills.

Who need hills?

[♪♪♪]

Wild Eagle, that
was a dirty trick.

Chief, how come you took
our money when you knew

Dobbs was here in
the camp all the time?

You never bet on sure thing?

All right. I'll let
you keep the $10.

But I'm not gonna pay
the rest of that reward.

Okay. Win a
little, lose a little.

Come on, Dobbs.

We gotta get you
back to the fort

so you can blow "Retreat"
for Colonel Bartlett.

No, sir, sergeant.
I ain't going back.

Y'all lost your faith in me
and it ruined my confidence.

Faith? What faith?

Ah.

Better he stay here.
Become member of tribe.

See? They like
me just fine here.

And I play real good
when I'm appreciated.

[BUGLE SQUEAKING]

Beautiful.

Beautiful!

See? It's just fine here.

But if I was to try to
play for Colonel Bartlett,

Captain Parmenter might get
transferred out of Fort Courage

and I ain't gonna
be the cause of that.

Dobbs, come here.

Do you really feel that
way about the captain?

I sure do.

He's been like a
second mother to me.

All right, Agarn. Hit
him in the mouth.

Huh?

Split his lip so he can't
blow for Colonel Bartlett.

Gosh, sarge, that's
a wonderful idea.

Come on, Agarn. Hit me.

[♪♪♪]

I can't do it,
sarge. You hit him.

Well, you chicken-heart.
Come here.

Better he stay here.
Become Hekawi.

Blow bugle for the tribe.

We get rid of tom-toms.

Always get big, sick headache
with every "boom, boom, boom."

[GRUNTS]

Drive you out of mind.

Wait, drums job of
Crazy Cat. What I do?

You take care of
firewood or go clean still.

Clean still? What kind
of job for next in line?

WILD EAGLE: Always complaining.

Hey, I got it. You see
that tree over there?

Well, just pucker
up like this, see,

and run right smack into it.

[♪♪♪]

[BUGLE PLAYING]

Did you hear that, sarge?

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

Is Crazy Cat. Cleaning
pipes from still.

Come on.

[PLAYING]

I can't understand it.
It's almost time for retreat.

See any sign of them, Duffy?

Not yet, sir.

Don't worry, sir. He'll be here.

Uh... I'm positive
he'll be here.

Dobbs?

No, sir. The colonel.

Yes, yes, I know he'll be here.

Oh. I'm going to miss you, men.

And I hope that
now and then, you'll...

You'll think of me.

Remember how we
soldiered together.

Cleaning the flagpole.
Keeping the fort clean.

Doing our daily calisthenics.

With or without me, I
want you to carry on.

Here they come,
sir! Here they come!

Thank goodness they're
bringing Dobbs back.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, I see you've
made it back here, sir.

Did you have a pleasant day?

Some day.

Just got a little
way out of town

and my horse got spooked by
some weird noise and threw me.

When we got to the ranch, the
horses we were supposed to buy

were stampeding into the hills.

So we didn't make the deal.

Then on the way back,
we ran into a sandstorm.

So you can see I'm not
in any mood for chitchat.

Let's get on with "Retreat."

What? "Retreat"?

Yes, "Retreat." That's
what I'm here for, isn't it?

Now, where's your bugler?

The... The bugler?

Yes, your bugler.

Well, you see, sir, my...

Our bugler is a
fellow named Dobbs,

you see. And...

All right, let's dress it up
here. Now, look like troopers.

Sergeant O'Rourke
reporting for duty, sir.

You're alone, sergeant?

Yes, I am, sir.

But I believe we're
ready for "Retreat."

Blowing "Retreat"
from the tower?

Well, sir, you see,

it's an old Fort
Courage tradition.

Yeah. We, uh...

We save it just for our
very important visitors.

Troop. Attention!

About face!

Present arms!

[BUGLE PLAYING]

Order arms.

Beautiful.

Touchingly,
hauntingly beautiful.

You've made this a
memorable day, captain.

It's very kind of
you to say that, sir.

Colonel Bartlett?

Goodbye, captain.

Goodbye, sir.

[♪♪♪]

Sergeant, that was magnificent.

I can hardly believe my ears.

We did it! We did it! We did it!

[ALL SCREAM]

Well, maybe it was okay that
we fooled the captain that way,

but it sure is on my conscience.

Oh, now listen, son.

That little bit of deception may
have saved the captain's career.

At least it kept
him here at the fort,

safe from Louisiana alligators.

Uh-huh.

Now that I got my
confidence back,

I'm sure gonna play better.

Ah.

Hey. I got an idea.

Why don't you blow
this? Anyone can do it.

All you do is blow in here
and it comes out great.

All right.

[HORN SQUEAKING]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]