F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 34 - Will the Real Captain Try to Stand Up - full transcript
Captain Parmenter is temporarily replaced by the town drunk to impress his visiting daughter.
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed ♪
♪ Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat and
reversed it To victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor ♪
♪ Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was planned ♪
♪ He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights ♪
♪ Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
Now, until I finish a full
and penetrating investigation
of this shocking
breach of conduct,
and make my report
to the inspector general,
you, sergeant,
wi... You, soldier,
will remain in the guardhouse.
Corporal Agarn,
for the time being,
you'll take over the
ex-sergeant's duties.
But, captain, I...
No "buts," corporal.
But, sir, I... That's
an order, corporal.
To think you would
betray the trust I had in you
for a mere $100.
Troop, about face.
Corporal, take the
prisoner to the guard house.
Dear Inspector General,
reluctantly I must report
to you a serious infringement
of the articles of war
here at Fort Courage.
Therefore, I will outline
the facts as I know them.
On the morning of the 11th,
the "Reveille"
formation was being held
in the normal manner.
All right, look alive.
Here comes your captain.
Everything was going smoothly.
F Troop all present
and accounted for, sir.
Very good, sergeant. At ease.
I'm going to have a
little talk with the men.
Now, men, hear this.
There have been too many of you
reporting for sick call.
We're running a
military post here
not a clinic for imaginary ills.
Now, If you're
sick, It's all right.
No, well, no... I-I don't
mean it's all right if you're sick.
I meant it's all right to,
uh, report for s-sick call.
But not if you're not sick.
Well, in closing... Charge!
Who said that?
Sergeant, corporal, get
that man out of that uniform
and off this post.
Yeah, right away, sir. Come on.
And when you sober
him up, tell him this,
I've been very tolerant
of him in the past,
but if he shows up in
that condition again,
town drunk or no town
drunk, he goes to jail.
Right, captain. Yes, sir.
Attention.
Dismissed.
At the time, I thought
little of the incident.
I considered it to be merely
one of those little annoyances
which happen to all commanding
officers from time to time.
However, from what
I've since learned,
that moment was the beginning
of the entire shocking affair.
And ex-sergeant O'Rourke's
statement indicated
that the entire idea
was his and his alone,
and that no one
else had any part in it.
Sergeant, would
you do me a favor?
Like what? Have
me shot at sunrise.
Shot at sun... What
are you talking about?
Oh, my daughter Cindy.
She's been going to
school back in the east.
So your daughter has been
going to school in the east.
You want to be shot at sunrise.
Her grades are that bad?
Oh, no. She's on her
way to San Francisco
to be a school marm. And
she's passing through here
on tomorrow's stage to see me.
So?
Well, now she's gonna find
out that I've been lyin' to her
in the letter. Lyin'?
Oh, I didn't want her to
know I was the town drunkard.
I wanted her to be proud of me.
So I told her I
was with F Troop.
Charlie, how could you
make up a lie like that?
Oh, when I'm
drinking, it's real easy.
Now, wait a minute,
your daughter's only gonna
be here for one day, right?
Well, that's...
All right, your worries are
over. Now forget about it.
I'll get you a
private's uniform,
and for one day, you'll
be a member of F Troop.
Oh, no, no, that's not
gonna be as easy as that.
I am just not a
private in F Troop.
Corporal?
Sergeant?
Ah.
"And, Daddy dear,
"I just can't wait to
see you all dressed up
"in your c-c-captain's uniform,
reviewing your troops."
You told her you were
the commanding officer
at Fort Courage?
I didn't think she'd
ever be coming out here.
What am I gonna do?
Well, you had the right idea
in the fist place, Charlie Boy.
I'll have you shot at sunrise.
Sarge, Charlie may
just be the town drunk,
but he's the only one we got.
And we... We gotta help
him. You wanna dress that
in a captain's uniform
and try to pass it off
for the real thing in front
of his daughter? Ho-ho.
Sarge, that's a wonderful idea.
Then he could review the troops
in front of his
dear, little daughter.
And what are we
gonna tell the captain?
Would you tell me that?
Impersonating an officer,
a very serious charge.
You could do it, sarge.
Sure wouldn't be easy, though.
Ah, it would be a cinch
if I put my mind to it.
You're all heart, sarge.
Wait a minute. I said
it would be a cinch,
I didn't say I was gonna do it.
Why not?
When O'Rourke goes into action,
there has got to be
something in it for O'Rourke.
Hey, that reminds me, I
better check the cash box.
Bet him 100 he can't do it.
Can't do what? Shh-shh-shh!
I'll give you the money.
Bet him he can't
fool the captain
and let Charlie
review the troops.
Hey, uh, sarge.
What?
I think you're backing out
on helping Charlie
because, uh, this is one thing
you're afraid you can't
put over on the captain.
There ain't nothing I can't
put over on the captain.
Yeah?
I got a $100 says this
is one thing you can't.
All right, you're on.
You got yourself a bet.
Move it.
Wild Eagle?
Welcome, brothers.
Look, chief, we, uh... We
got a little problem here.
Thought maybe your
medicine man could help us out.
Him not help nobody,
lie down in tepee.
What's the matter with him?
He celebrate Festival
of Free Sprit last night.
What's that? Squaw went to visit
relatives for two weeks.
He keep whole tribe awake
dancing, dancing, more dancing.
Then drink much fire water.
Better he should
have dance all night.
Lot of help he's gonna be.
You try hair of dog?
Why, I don't mind if I do!
Shut up.
Be quiet back there.
No more booze.
What booze? This
real hair of real dog.
Maybe call on spirit of water.
Now, what good would that be?
Spirit of forest?
Look, Crazy
Cat... Spirit of fire?
If that's the best
you gotta suggest...
Wait!
For once, Crazy Cat make sense.
Spirit of water hold
head under waterfall.
Spirit of forest,
walk through woods
until he can stand on feet.
Spirit of fire, put fire under
coffee, get hot, go down throat.
Now, why didn't
we think of that?
Yeah, that's make some
kind of sense, don't it?
Have wise, old Indian saying...
Him not wise,
but him plenty old.
You stop talk, or
you never get old!
On the afternoon of the
12th, Sergeant O'Rourke,
through flattery, which I
recognized immediately...
made a futile
attempt to deceive me.
Naturally, I saw through
the rather childish scheme.
Well, Corporal Agarn
and me here is worried, sir.
I mean, if you was to be
called away on an emergency,
would the men just
crack up, go to pieces,
without the brilliant
leadership of the old man.
Oh. Oh, oh, yeah. Well, yes.
I don't think they'd do a
thing like that, sergeant.
Ah, but there is
the possibility, sir.
And we think it's important
enough to give it a test.
Well, what kind of a test?
Yeah, sarge, what kind of test?
Well, uh, sir, I was thinking
of telling the men tomorrow
that you're, uh, off on
a special assignment
for the whole day,
when, on actual fact,
you will be fishing.
If I may say so, sir,
enjoying a well-deserved rest.
That's an excellent
idea, sergeant.
We will do it the
first of next week.
Sir, what's wrong with tomorrow?
Well, I have my schedule
all filled out for tomorrow.
A good officer sets his
schedule and then sticks to it.
Yeah, yeah,
but... But... But, sir.
We'll do it the first of
next week, sergeant.
But... But, captain...
The first of next week.
Oh, uh, sergeant, as a reward
for your wonderful suggestion,
you and the corporal
are invited to the fish fry.
Fish fry nothing.
It'll be a kettle of
fish, and we'll be in it.
Oh, stop worrying, will ya?
Charlie's daughter don't
get here 'till noon tomorrow.
Yeah, I can see her now.
Pretty little thing,
blonde hair, red eyes.
Red eyes?
From crying.
When she finds out
her beloved, lying father
ain't a captain,
just a town drunk.
Agarn? What?
Say that to me again.
What? That her father ain't
a captain, just a town drunk.
That's it. You have just
given me a great idea.
Come on.
According to our company
bugler, Private Dobbs,
the sergeant, through a
misrepresentation of the truth,
induced him to become
an unwilling accomplice
in this scheme.
Dobbs, I might add,
is confined to the post
for a period of one month.
According to Dobbs, I
was quoted as having said:
He said if Dobbs blows one
clinker on that bugle tomorrow,
he is through.
Captain said that?
Eh, well, don't
worry about it, Dobbs.
I mean, it's not the end.
Just probably get
transferred to another post.
But, sarge, I like it here.
I found me a home
at Fort Courage.
Ah, never work.
Ah! But it might.
It's too big a risk
for Dobbs to take.
Well, come on, sergeant,
what have I got to lose anyways?
Brave lad. What risks, sarge?
Well, now, of course,
if the captain didn't
show up for retreat,
then everything
would be all right...
Yeah. But how you gonna
fix up a thing like that?
Son...
are you sure you want
to go through with this?
Sergeant, you just tell me
what you got on your mind.
I learned later that the
sergeant actually was a witness
to the entire
distressing episode.
Now that we got
his lunch on court,
let's go find somebody
to pour his dinner.
There is also some evidence
that the sergeant enlisted
the help of a civilian
female to carry out his plans.
However, after a
careful study of the facts,
I tend to believe she was merely
the sergeant's innocent dupe.
I tell you Wrangler, we're
gonna lose Captain Parmenter
if we don't all
three stick together.
If he meets that stage
tomorrow, he's a goner. Right!
But who is she?
His childhood
sweetheart, that's who.
And her letters are
perfumed, all 50 of them.
Yeah, I wish I had a
dollar for every time
I've heard the captain
mention her name.
"Hyacinth, Hyacinth."
I tell you, if they get together
even for a few minutes,
He's a goner, Wrangler.
She has got everything.
She's beautiful,
she's intelligent.
She's a society girl. I mean,
they're made for each other.
I don't care if they was cut
from the same slab of hogback.
Wilton likes it here.
Ah, but you forget the
bond of childhood love.
Their first kiss.
Ah, but not their last.
I'll reckon it's gonna be.
All right, sergeant, you just
tell me what you got in mind.
Here's my real treat,
this is juniper berry juice.
Oh!
I know, that's very strange,
It tastes just like this, uh, uh...
Well, whatever it was that
Dobbs served for lunch.
I have not been able
to determine what it was
that induced the illness,
But one could assume that it
was some little known liquid.
Perhaps of Indian origin.
It caused the blurring of vision
and the noticeable
unsteadiness of the hand.
Good work, Wrangler.
Don't worry about a thing,
we're gonna take care of him.
Well, where you gonna take him?
Don't worry, Wrangler.
We'll keep him sick
until Charlie's daughter... Hey!
Until Hyacinth is miles
and miles out of town.
Hyacinth, Hyacinth.
All right, let's go.
All right, that's it.
Well, this time old Jim
boy turns to me and says,
"Duffy," he says, "you're
the only mortal soul
who can save him."
Duffy, shut up
and pin, will you?
That stage is due here
in less than an hour.
Ouch!
You stabbed me.
That hurt.
You think that hurt, huh?
Well, I'm gonna tell you
something, you're gonna get hurt
if I catch you taking a drink
before your daughter gets here.
Can I have just one,
O'Rourke? To sort of settle me.
No. Agarn, you
stick right with him
and make sure he
don't get no booze.
Right, sarge.
I'll go see how our patient is.
No, no, it's all right, nurse,
I-I assure you I
won't tire the patient.
Oh, well. Nurse?
Nurse!
Oh, nurse?
Sergeant, where am I?
I knew you'd want to know.
You were unconscious
when we brought you in.
I was?
Yes.
Oh, something
strange is going on here.
I was a having a bite
of supper with Janey.
Yes, I know, sir,
it's called the
sagebrush shakes, sir.
You... You passed
out, and Agarn and I
have to drive the buckboard
all night to get you here.
Here? Here is wh-where exactly?
Here... Well, it's
the hospital, sir.
Yes, I can see that,
sergeant, but where is it?
Dodge City, sir.
Oh, did the doctor
leave your medicine?
Oh, here we are, yes, yes. Uh...
"One large glass,
morning, noon and night."
Wh... S-sergeant, I-I
didn't see any doctor.
Well, that's because you
were delirious at the time, sir.
Yes, here we are.
There we go.
Ugh!
That's strange,
that tastes just like that
juniper berry juice of Janey's.
Yeah, well, that's
part of the illness, sir.
I mean, your senses
can't always be relied upon.
What is it called? The what?
Sagebrush shakes, sir.
But don't worry about a thing.
We're out of the worst of it.
Yes, we'll have you
outta here in no time at all.
Just drink your medicine.
Sergeant,
I think I'm beginning
to have a relapse.
That's fine, fine.
Yes.
Oh, sometimes, I think I
could learn to hate myself.
Ah.
Captain like his
little white room?
Ah, sleeping like a baby.
You got that $100 ready?
The day ain't over yet.
Oh, well.
Hey!
Sarge, he got away.
He found the captain's bay rum.
What're we gonna do?
I'll tell you what
we're gonna do.
We're gonna put him
to the spirit of water,
the spirit of fire and the
spirit of forest all over again,
and then we're
gonna meet the stage.
Now, come on.
Shoot, give me a hand.
Confident in the outcome,
the sergeant actually met
the impostor's daughter
and lead her to believe
that her father was the
dear inspector general...
Oh.
That her father was
the commanding officer
of Fort Courage.
Whoa.
Miss Charles? Yes.
Well, Captain Charles, he
couldn't meet stage, ma'am.
I'm, uh... I'm Sergeant O'Rourke,
and this here is Corporal Agarn,
and he sent us, well,
to kind of be his
representatives, as it were.
Well, my father's all right?
Oh, just right as rain, ma'am.
Yes, ma'am.
He's checking up on a
couple of Indian matters.
Well, I hope he'll be back soon.
You see, I have to take the next
stage out of town, this evening.
Well, don't you worry
about a thing, ma'am.
The captain will be at
retreat no matter what.
I rose from bed, and walked
briskly out into the street
determined to get to
the bottom of the mess.
Oh, my goodness,
sergeant. Who's that?
Yeah, well, tha-that's
our town drunk, ma'am.
I hope someone
will take care of him.
Yeah, me too.
Agarn, why don't you show
Miss Charles
around the fort, huh?
Right. Ma'am.
Oh, oh!
Hey. Sir.
Your hat, sir.
S-s-sergeant,
what's going on here?
And why did you tell
me I was in Dodge City
when all the time I
was right here in town
in the back of the saloon.
Well, now, the...
The fact is, sir...
The fact is, sergeant, that
you told a lie, and I can prove it.
That saloon isn't in Dodge
City. Anybody can see that.
Yeah, well, I can see that.
Now that you mention it, sir.
Sergeant, I want the truth.
The plain, unvarnished truth.
Well, the truth is, sir,
that Charlie the
town drunk, you see...
And that's the whole story, sir.
That is the most incredible
thing I've ever heard of.
Sergeant, I'm
returning to the fort.
Report to me in my
quarters immediately.
Yes, sir.
Present arms!
Captain.
Now, fully aware of this
attempt to deceive me,
I took the proper steps
to protect the reputation
of the fort and of the troop.
You got a button
missing there, private.
Sorry, sir.
Get it back on there,
soldier. That is an order.
Yes, sir.
Corporal.
Sir. Dismiss the troop.
Order, arms!
Troop dismissed!
I confess a certain gladness
that Miss Charles never
learned of the deception.
But more important to
me was the knowledge
that Fort Courage was
back to normal again.
Something wrong, corporal?
Oh, sir, bust me,
take my stripes.
I'm as guilty as he is.
I find that hard to
believe, corporal.
Oh, captain, I can't stand
it. I demand to be punished.
Sergeant O'Rourke's own
confession specifically states
that he and he alone
conceived this entire plot
in an effort to win a $100 bet.
Now, that sort of, leaves
you out of it, doesn't it?
But, captain, I
put him up to it.
I loaned the bartender the $100.
But that doesn't alter the
fact that Sergeant O'Rourke
committed this... This...
Oh, words just can't
describe how I feel, corporal.
To lie and to cheat
like that, and for what?
For a mere $100,
which I might add,
I am confiscating for
the enlisted men's fund.
But, sir, you can't do that.
I can and I will.
Oh, but, captain...
No "buts," corporal.
I will not permit Private
O'Rourke to profit
in any way from this
underhanded scheme.
Captain, he ain't got it.
Oh, didn't the
bartender pay him?
Well, sure, but the sarge
gave the money to Charlie
so his daughter would have money
to buy school
books for the kids.
Are you sure about that?
Yes, captain, and he also told
Charlie not one cent for booze,
or he'd run him out of town.
Well, corporal,
don't just stand there.
The sergeant's paid his penalty.
Captain, you're all heart, sir.
Dear Inspector General,
all is well at Fort Courage.
Wilton?
Howdy, ready for our picnic?
Well, now only if you'll
give me your word
that there won't be any of that
juniper berry juice in anything.
Oh, no, I'm plenty
sorry about that...
Oh, no, no, no. I understand,
and you're forgiven.
Only don't let it happen again.
Well, you know at
least one good thing
came out of this entire affair.
I understand Charlie
hasn't been seen
in the saloon for weeks.
I'd be obliged to you for
some of that spirit of fire
I've been drinking lately.
One coffee coming up.
Hey, that's the ticket, Charlie.
You stick with that, and
you won't be tangling
with them swingin'
doors no more.
I aim too. Thank you.
And I want to thank
you two gentlemen
for all the good
you done for me.
Ah, forget it.
I can't, and I won't.
It was plum wondrous.
Oh, come on, Charlie,
you're embarrassing the sarge.
Anyway, I thank
you. And so long.
Just mark that down
with the rest of it.
Gentlemen.
Sarge, he fell down anyway.
Well, of course, he ain't had
enough practice being sober.
Come on.
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed ♪
♪ Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat and
reversed it To victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor ♪
♪ Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was planned ♪
♪ He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights ♪
♪ Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
Now, until I finish a full
and penetrating investigation
of this shocking
breach of conduct,
and make my report
to the inspector general,
you, sergeant,
wi... You, soldier,
will remain in the guardhouse.
Corporal Agarn,
for the time being,
you'll take over the
ex-sergeant's duties.
But, captain, I...
No "buts," corporal.
But, sir, I... That's
an order, corporal.
To think you would
betray the trust I had in you
for a mere $100.
Troop, about face.
Corporal, take the
prisoner to the guard house.
Dear Inspector General,
reluctantly I must report
to you a serious infringement
of the articles of war
here at Fort Courage.
Therefore, I will outline
the facts as I know them.
On the morning of the 11th,
the "Reveille"
formation was being held
in the normal manner.
All right, look alive.
Here comes your captain.
Everything was going smoothly.
F Troop all present
and accounted for, sir.
Very good, sergeant. At ease.
I'm going to have a
little talk with the men.
Now, men, hear this.
There have been too many of you
reporting for sick call.
We're running a
military post here
not a clinic for imaginary ills.
Now, If you're
sick, It's all right.
No, well, no... I-I don't
mean it's all right if you're sick.
I meant it's all right to,
uh, report for s-sick call.
But not if you're not sick.
Well, in closing... Charge!
Who said that?
Sergeant, corporal, get
that man out of that uniform
and off this post.
Yeah, right away, sir. Come on.
And when you sober
him up, tell him this,
I've been very tolerant
of him in the past,
but if he shows up in
that condition again,
town drunk or no town
drunk, he goes to jail.
Right, captain. Yes, sir.
Attention.
Dismissed.
At the time, I thought
little of the incident.
I considered it to be merely
one of those little annoyances
which happen to all commanding
officers from time to time.
However, from what
I've since learned,
that moment was the beginning
of the entire shocking affair.
And ex-sergeant O'Rourke's
statement indicated
that the entire idea
was his and his alone,
and that no one
else had any part in it.
Sergeant, would
you do me a favor?
Like what? Have
me shot at sunrise.
Shot at sun... What
are you talking about?
Oh, my daughter Cindy.
She's been going to
school back in the east.
So your daughter has been
going to school in the east.
You want to be shot at sunrise.
Her grades are that bad?
Oh, no. She's on her
way to San Francisco
to be a school marm. And
she's passing through here
on tomorrow's stage to see me.
So?
Well, now she's gonna find
out that I've been lyin' to her
in the letter. Lyin'?
Oh, I didn't want her to
know I was the town drunkard.
I wanted her to be proud of me.
So I told her I
was with F Troop.
Charlie, how could you
make up a lie like that?
Oh, when I'm
drinking, it's real easy.
Now, wait a minute,
your daughter's only gonna
be here for one day, right?
Well, that's...
All right, your worries are
over. Now forget about it.
I'll get you a
private's uniform,
and for one day, you'll
be a member of F Troop.
Oh, no, no, that's not
gonna be as easy as that.
I am just not a
private in F Troop.
Corporal?
Sergeant?
Ah.
"And, Daddy dear,
"I just can't wait to
see you all dressed up
"in your c-c-captain's uniform,
reviewing your troops."
You told her you were
the commanding officer
at Fort Courage?
I didn't think she'd
ever be coming out here.
What am I gonna do?
Well, you had the right idea
in the fist place, Charlie Boy.
I'll have you shot at sunrise.
Sarge, Charlie may
just be the town drunk,
but he's the only one we got.
And we... We gotta help
him. You wanna dress that
in a captain's uniform
and try to pass it off
for the real thing in front
of his daughter? Ho-ho.
Sarge, that's a wonderful idea.
Then he could review the troops
in front of his
dear, little daughter.
And what are we
gonna tell the captain?
Would you tell me that?
Impersonating an officer,
a very serious charge.
You could do it, sarge.
Sure wouldn't be easy, though.
Ah, it would be a cinch
if I put my mind to it.
You're all heart, sarge.
Wait a minute. I said
it would be a cinch,
I didn't say I was gonna do it.
Why not?
When O'Rourke goes into action,
there has got to be
something in it for O'Rourke.
Hey, that reminds me, I
better check the cash box.
Bet him 100 he can't do it.
Can't do what? Shh-shh-shh!
I'll give you the money.
Bet him he can't
fool the captain
and let Charlie
review the troops.
Hey, uh, sarge.
What?
I think you're backing out
on helping Charlie
because, uh, this is one thing
you're afraid you can't
put over on the captain.
There ain't nothing I can't
put over on the captain.
Yeah?
I got a $100 says this
is one thing you can't.
All right, you're on.
You got yourself a bet.
Move it.
Wild Eagle?
Welcome, brothers.
Look, chief, we, uh... We
got a little problem here.
Thought maybe your
medicine man could help us out.
Him not help nobody,
lie down in tepee.
What's the matter with him?
He celebrate Festival
of Free Sprit last night.
What's that? Squaw went to visit
relatives for two weeks.
He keep whole tribe awake
dancing, dancing, more dancing.
Then drink much fire water.
Better he should
have dance all night.
Lot of help he's gonna be.
You try hair of dog?
Why, I don't mind if I do!
Shut up.
Be quiet back there.
No more booze.
What booze? This
real hair of real dog.
Maybe call on spirit of water.
Now, what good would that be?
Spirit of forest?
Look, Crazy
Cat... Spirit of fire?
If that's the best
you gotta suggest...
Wait!
For once, Crazy Cat make sense.
Spirit of water hold
head under waterfall.
Spirit of forest,
walk through woods
until he can stand on feet.
Spirit of fire, put fire under
coffee, get hot, go down throat.
Now, why didn't
we think of that?
Yeah, that's make some
kind of sense, don't it?
Have wise, old Indian saying...
Him not wise,
but him plenty old.
You stop talk, or
you never get old!
On the afternoon of the
12th, Sergeant O'Rourke,
through flattery, which I
recognized immediately...
made a futile
attempt to deceive me.
Naturally, I saw through
the rather childish scheme.
Well, Corporal Agarn
and me here is worried, sir.
I mean, if you was to be
called away on an emergency,
would the men just
crack up, go to pieces,
without the brilliant
leadership of the old man.
Oh. Oh, oh, yeah. Well, yes.
I don't think they'd do a
thing like that, sergeant.
Ah, but there is
the possibility, sir.
And we think it's important
enough to give it a test.
Well, what kind of a test?
Yeah, sarge, what kind of test?
Well, uh, sir, I was thinking
of telling the men tomorrow
that you're, uh, off on
a special assignment
for the whole day,
when, on actual fact,
you will be fishing.
If I may say so, sir,
enjoying a well-deserved rest.
That's an excellent
idea, sergeant.
We will do it the
first of next week.
Sir, what's wrong with tomorrow?
Well, I have my schedule
all filled out for tomorrow.
A good officer sets his
schedule and then sticks to it.
Yeah, yeah,
but... But... But, sir.
We'll do it the first of
next week, sergeant.
But... But, captain...
The first of next week.
Oh, uh, sergeant, as a reward
for your wonderful suggestion,
you and the corporal
are invited to the fish fry.
Fish fry nothing.
It'll be a kettle of
fish, and we'll be in it.
Oh, stop worrying, will ya?
Charlie's daughter don't
get here 'till noon tomorrow.
Yeah, I can see her now.
Pretty little thing,
blonde hair, red eyes.
Red eyes?
From crying.
When she finds out
her beloved, lying father
ain't a captain,
just a town drunk.
Agarn? What?
Say that to me again.
What? That her father ain't
a captain, just a town drunk.
That's it. You have just
given me a great idea.
Come on.
According to our company
bugler, Private Dobbs,
the sergeant, through a
misrepresentation of the truth,
induced him to become
an unwilling accomplice
in this scheme.
Dobbs, I might add,
is confined to the post
for a period of one month.
According to Dobbs, I
was quoted as having said:
He said if Dobbs blows one
clinker on that bugle tomorrow,
he is through.
Captain said that?
Eh, well, don't
worry about it, Dobbs.
I mean, it's not the end.
Just probably get
transferred to another post.
But, sarge, I like it here.
I found me a home
at Fort Courage.
Ah, never work.
Ah! But it might.
It's too big a risk
for Dobbs to take.
Well, come on, sergeant,
what have I got to lose anyways?
Brave lad. What risks, sarge?
Well, now, of course,
if the captain didn't
show up for retreat,
then everything
would be all right...
Yeah. But how you gonna
fix up a thing like that?
Son...
are you sure you want
to go through with this?
Sergeant, you just tell me
what you got on your mind.
I learned later that the
sergeant actually was a witness
to the entire
distressing episode.
Now that we got
his lunch on court,
let's go find somebody
to pour his dinner.
There is also some evidence
that the sergeant enlisted
the help of a civilian
female to carry out his plans.
However, after a
careful study of the facts,
I tend to believe she was merely
the sergeant's innocent dupe.
I tell you Wrangler, we're
gonna lose Captain Parmenter
if we don't all
three stick together.
If he meets that stage
tomorrow, he's a goner. Right!
But who is she?
His childhood
sweetheart, that's who.
And her letters are
perfumed, all 50 of them.
Yeah, I wish I had a
dollar for every time
I've heard the captain
mention her name.
"Hyacinth, Hyacinth."
I tell you, if they get together
even for a few minutes,
He's a goner, Wrangler.
She has got everything.
She's beautiful,
she's intelligent.
She's a society girl. I mean,
they're made for each other.
I don't care if they was cut
from the same slab of hogback.
Wilton likes it here.
Ah, but you forget the
bond of childhood love.
Their first kiss.
Ah, but not their last.
I'll reckon it's gonna be.
All right, sergeant, you just
tell me what you got in mind.
Here's my real treat,
this is juniper berry juice.
Oh!
I know, that's very strange,
It tastes just like this, uh, uh...
Well, whatever it was that
Dobbs served for lunch.
I have not been able
to determine what it was
that induced the illness,
But one could assume that it
was some little known liquid.
Perhaps of Indian origin.
It caused the blurring of vision
and the noticeable
unsteadiness of the hand.
Good work, Wrangler.
Don't worry about a thing,
we're gonna take care of him.
Well, where you gonna take him?
Don't worry, Wrangler.
We'll keep him sick
until Charlie's daughter... Hey!
Until Hyacinth is miles
and miles out of town.
Hyacinth, Hyacinth.
All right, let's go.
All right, that's it.
Well, this time old Jim
boy turns to me and says,
"Duffy," he says, "you're
the only mortal soul
who can save him."
Duffy, shut up
and pin, will you?
That stage is due here
in less than an hour.
Ouch!
You stabbed me.
That hurt.
You think that hurt, huh?
Well, I'm gonna tell you
something, you're gonna get hurt
if I catch you taking a drink
before your daughter gets here.
Can I have just one,
O'Rourke? To sort of settle me.
No. Agarn, you
stick right with him
and make sure he
don't get no booze.
Right, sarge.
I'll go see how our patient is.
No, no, it's all right, nurse,
I-I assure you I
won't tire the patient.
Oh, well. Nurse?
Nurse!
Oh, nurse?
Sergeant, where am I?
I knew you'd want to know.
You were unconscious
when we brought you in.
I was?
Yes.
Oh, something
strange is going on here.
I was a having a bite
of supper with Janey.
Yes, I know, sir,
it's called the
sagebrush shakes, sir.
You... You passed
out, and Agarn and I
have to drive the buckboard
all night to get you here.
Here? Here is wh-where exactly?
Here... Well, it's
the hospital, sir.
Yes, I can see that,
sergeant, but where is it?
Dodge City, sir.
Oh, did the doctor
leave your medicine?
Oh, here we are, yes, yes. Uh...
"One large glass,
morning, noon and night."
Wh... S-sergeant, I-I
didn't see any doctor.
Well, that's because you
were delirious at the time, sir.
Yes, here we are.
There we go.
Ugh!
That's strange,
that tastes just like that
juniper berry juice of Janey's.
Yeah, well, that's
part of the illness, sir.
I mean, your senses
can't always be relied upon.
What is it called? The what?
Sagebrush shakes, sir.
But don't worry about a thing.
We're out of the worst of it.
Yes, we'll have you
outta here in no time at all.
Just drink your medicine.
Sergeant,
I think I'm beginning
to have a relapse.
That's fine, fine.
Yes.
Oh, sometimes, I think I
could learn to hate myself.
Ah.
Captain like his
little white room?
Ah, sleeping like a baby.
You got that $100 ready?
The day ain't over yet.
Oh, well.
Hey!
Sarge, he got away.
He found the captain's bay rum.
What're we gonna do?
I'll tell you what
we're gonna do.
We're gonna put him
to the spirit of water,
the spirit of fire and the
spirit of forest all over again,
and then we're
gonna meet the stage.
Now, come on.
Shoot, give me a hand.
Confident in the outcome,
the sergeant actually met
the impostor's daughter
and lead her to believe
that her father was the
dear inspector general...
Oh.
That her father was
the commanding officer
of Fort Courage.
Whoa.
Miss Charles? Yes.
Well, Captain Charles, he
couldn't meet stage, ma'am.
I'm, uh... I'm Sergeant O'Rourke,
and this here is Corporal Agarn,
and he sent us, well,
to kind of be his
representatives, as it were.
Well, my father's all right?
Oh, just right as rain, ma'am.
Yes, ma'am.
He's checking up on a
couple of Indian matters.
Well, I hope he'll be back soon.
You see, I have to take the next
stage out of town, this evening.
Well, don't you worry
about a thing, ma'am.
The captain will be at
retreat no matter what.
I rose from bed, and walked
briskly out into the street
determined to get to
the bottom of the mess.
Oh, my goodness,
sergeant. Who's that?
Yeah, well, tha-that's
our town drunk, ma'am.
I hope someone
will take care of him.
Yeah, me too.
Agarn, why don't you show
Miss Charles
around the fort, huh?
Right. Ma'am.
Oh, oh!
Hey. Sir.
Your hat, sir.
S-s-sergeant,
what's going on here?
And why did you tell
me I was in Dodge City
when all the time I
was right here in town
in the back of the saloon.
Well, now, the...
The fact is, sir...
The fact is, sergeant, that
you told a lie, and I can prove it.
That saloon isn't in Dodge
City. Anybody can see that.
Yeah, well, I can see that.
Now that you mention it, sir.
Sergeant, I want the truth.
The plain, unvarnished truth.
Well, the truth is, sir,
that Charlie the
town drunk, you see...
And that's the whole story, sir.
That is the most incredible
thing I've ever heard of.
Sergeant, I'm
returning to the fort.
Report to me in my
quarters immediately.
Yes, sir.
Present arms!
Captain.
Now, fully aware of this
attempt to deceive me,
I took the proper steps
to protect the reputation
of the fort and of the troop.
You got a button
missing there, private.
Sorry, sir.
Get it back on there,
soldier. That is an order.
Yes, sir.
Corporal.
Sir. Dismiss the troop.
Order, arms!
Troop dismissed!
I confess a certain gladness
that Miss Charles never
learned of the deception.
But more important to
me was the knowledge
that Fort Courage was
back to normal again.
Something wrong, corporal?
Oh, sir, bust me,
take my stripes.
I'm as guilty as he is.
I find that hard to
believe, corporal.
Oh, captain, I can't stand
it. I demand to be punished.
Sergeant O'Rourke's own
confession specifically states
that he and he alone
conceived this entire plot
in an effort to win a $100 bet.
Now, that sort of, leaves
you out of it, doesn't it?
But, captain, I
put him up to it.
I loaned the bartender the $100.
But that doesn't alter the
fact that Sergeant O'Rourke
committed this... This...
Oh, words just can't
describe how I feel, corporal.
To lie and to cheat
like that, and for what?
For a mere $100,
which I might add,
I am confiscating for
the enlisted men's fund.
But, sir, you can't do that.
I can and I will.
Oh, but, captain...
No "buts," corporal.
I will not permit Private
O'Rourke to profit
in any way from this
underhanded scheme.
Captain, he ain't got it.
Oh, didn't the
bartender pay him?
Well, sure, but the sarge
gave the money to Charlie
so his daughter would have money
to buy school
books for the kids.
Are you sure about that?
Yes, captain, and he also told
Charlie not one cent for booze,
or he'd run him out of town.
Well, corporal,
don't just stand there.
The sergeant's paid his penalty.
Captain, you're all heart, sir.
Dear Inspector General,
all is well at Fort Courage.
Wilton?
Howdy, ready for our picnic?
Well, now only if you'll
give me your word
that there won't be any of that
juniper berry juice in anything.
Oh, no, I'm plenty
sorry about that...
Oh, no, no, no. I understand,
and you're forgiven.
Only don't let it happen again.
Well, you know at
least one good thing
came out of this entire affair.
I understand Charlie
hasn't been seen
in the saloon for weeks.
I'd be obliged to you for
some of that spirit of fire
I've been drinking lately.
One coffee coming up.
Hey, that's the ticket, Charlie.
You stick with that, and
you won't be tangling
with them swingin'
doors no more.
I aim too. Thank you.
And I want to thank
you two gentlemen
for all the good
you done for me.
Ah, forget it.
I can't, and I won't.
It was plum wondrous.
Oh, come on, Charlie,
you're embarrassing the sarge.
Anyway, I thank
you. And so long.
Just mark that down
with the rest of it.
Gentlemen.
Sarge, he fell down anyway.
Well, of course, he ain't had
enough practice being sober.
Come on.