F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Singing Mountie - full transcript
Shades of Nelson Eddy as a singing Mountie shows up looking for Agarn's French Canadian cousin.
[♪♪♪]
Well. Well, there
you are, Agarn,
your share of this
month's profits.
Gee, sarge, this is the most
money you ever paid me.
Well, after all, you've been a
hardworking, loyal employee
of O'Rourke Enterprises,
and this saloon has
turned out to be a gold mine.
Knock on wood.
Sarge, somebody's after us!
There's a note on that thing.
I don't need no note.
I got the message
from the knife.
"Allo, cozin. I am in zee
alley next to zee zaloon.
Come queek. Your cozin Pierre."
I got no cousin Pierre.
But I do. He's a fur
trapper in Canada.
Fur trapper? Yeah.
MAN: Psst.
Cousin Randolph, c'est moi.
Who is he? Can he be trusted?
Oh, sure. He's my best friend.
AGARN: This is
Sergeant O'Rourke.
Sarge, this is my
cousin, Pierre Agarniere.
Otherwise known as Lucky Pierre.
Glad to meet ya...
[WHISPERING] Glad to meet you.
My pleasure, sergeant.
Excuse me. I cannot be
seen. I must stay out of sight.
Listen, if you're so lucky,
why you hiding in an alley?
I'm being pursued by crooks.
They want to steal my furs.
Voilà.
These are worth a fortune.
I never saw that
kind of fur before.
Ah, you are right, monsieur.
I developed this myself.
Through careful crossbreeding,
I have mated a lynx
with a marmoset.
What do you call it?
Minks.
Oh, that's very clever of
you, Lucky, crossbreeding, ah.
I am also thinking of
mating a fox with my mink.
You could call it a fink.
[LAUGHING]
Very good, cousin. Very good.
Or you could even
cross a lynx and a fox
and you'd have a lox.
Never mind the crossbreeding.
If you're worried about
somebody getting at those pelts,
leave them with our
friends, the Hekawis.
But they are Indians, no?
They are Indians, yes,
but they're our friends.
We do business with them.
You'll be safe up there.
You go up and tell
them we sent you.
Their camp is about three
miles off the road near the lake.
Very good. I'll go
there after dark.
Fine, we'll see you tomorrow,
Lucky. Come on, Agarn.
Au revoir.
That means goodbye in French.
Agarn, your
cousin, Lucky Pierre,
has really brought us some luck.
He has? Don't you get it?
We're going in the
fur business with him.
Look, he's got the pelts,
we got the Hekawi squaws
to make 'em into fur coats.
Sarge, you're right.
We'll make a fortune off
those minks, finks and lox.
[BUGLE PLAYING]
Not you, Dobbs.
Oh.
Dobbs was just trying
out his new bugle.
Ain't it a beauty?
Captain requisitioned it for me.
Listen to this:
[BUGLE SQUEAKS]
Now we know what
happened to the old one,
it committed suicide.
Now, Dobbs just has to
practice with this new...
MAN SINGING: ♪ Tramp,
tramp, tramp Along the highway ♪
♪ Tramp, tramp,
tramp The road is free ♪
♪ We're planters and Canucks
Virginians and Kentucks ♪
♪ Captain Dick's own infantry ♪
♪ Captain Dick's own infantry ♪
Sergeant Ramsden, Royal
Canadian Mounted Police.
We always get our man.
Welcome to Fort
Courage, sergeant.
Hey, lookie here.
He's got wheels on this thing.
Just a clever
innovation of mine.
A first for the Mounties.
A sled with retractable wheels.
What brings you to Fort Courage?
I am looking for a
fugitive from justice.
A notorious fur thief.
Homina, homina,
homina... What's his name?
They call him... Lucky Pierre.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Sarge, I'm sure my
cousin can explain this.
Ah, you and your
crooked relatives.
Wait a minute, sarge.
My relatives are as
honest as the day is long.
Oh, yeah? What about that
cousin of yours down in Mexico?
That bandit El Diablo?
Well, the days are
shorter in Mexico.
Hey. Maybe we could
make as much on the reward
as we could on the
fur-coat business.
Reward? Sure.
Sarge, you can't
turn in Lucky Pierre.
He's my cousin.
Son of my aunt Charlene,
who was married
to my uncle Harry,
who was my mother's favorite,
next to her brother Seymour,
who's married to the
lovely Lily Farquhart
of the Passaic Farquharts,
who lived on the big house
on the hill next to the Langtons,
whose daughter
Shirley married... Agarn!
Walenski. Walenski?
Yeah, Shirley married
Irving Walenski,
whose son Melvin...
All right, I won't
turn your cousin in
until I talk to him.
But he'd better have
a good explanation.
[BUGLE SQUEAKING]
Now that you've got a new bugle,
why don't you
requisition new lips?
Ho! Ten-hut.
F Troop all present
and accounted for, sir.
Thank you, sergeant.
At ease, men. At ease.
Now, today I would like you
all to meet Sergeant Ramsden
of the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police.
We always get our man.
That's good. That's good.
And as a matter of fact,
that's what has brought
him to Fort Courage.
He is looking for a notorious
French Canadian fur thief
named Lucky Pierre.
Now, I want you all to
cooperate and be neighborly
to our good neighbor from
the north while he's here
in the neighborhood.
Uh, Sergeant Ramsden,
could you give the men
a description of this thief?
I have found my man.
Corporal Agarn? Oh,
no. He can't be the man.
Sergeant, you must be mistaken.
I'd know this face any place.
Even though he has
cleverly shaved off
his mustache and beard.
You're cunning, Pierre.
Now, wait a minute.
Didn't you say
this fur thief was a
French Canadian?
Corporal Agarn speaks English
as well as anyone from New Jersey.
In the three years I
have been tracking him,
it is possible he
lost his accent.
But I will give him a test.
PARMENTER: A test?
[WHISPERING] The French have great
difficulty pronouncing the letters T-H. Th.
Repeat. Thoughtful thinkers
think thoughtful thoughts
through thick and
thin. Thoughtful thinkers
think thoughtful thoughts
through thick and thin.
Ah! You see there, sergeant?
Yeah. And if Peter Piper
picked a peck of pickled peppers,
how many pickled peppers
did Peter Piper pick?
Very good, Agarn. I always
have trouble with that.
Peter Piker picked...
I still say he's French.
How long you been in
the cavalry? Ten years.
How long at Fort
Courage? Four years.
When was your last furlough?
A year ago last March.
Where'd you go? Canada,
to visit my cousin Pierre.
Captain Parmenter,
throw this man in irons.
Now wait a minute. He
hasn't done anything.
Sergeant O'Rourke is right.
Corporal Agarn is not
his cousin's keeper.
He may be his accomplice.
I suggest you confine
this man to quarters.
I know his cousin is in
this area, and I'm sure
Lucky Pierre will make
some attempt to contact him.
Well, under the circumstances,
I guess it's the
only thing to do.
I'm sorry, corporal,
but I'm going to have to
confine you to your quarters.
I understand, sir.
Sergeant, dismiss the troop.
Yes, sir.
Troop, dismissed.
Hey, Agarn, are
you really in cahoots
with your cousin Lucky Pierre?
Do you think you can get
me a fur coat wholesale?
No, I'm not in cahoots,
and I'm not gonna
get you a fur coat.
Hi, Wilton. Hi, Jane.
Uh, Sergeant Ramsden,
I'd like you to meet
Wrangler Jane.
This is Sergeant Ramsden
of the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police.
We always get our man.
And we, uh, get our woman too.
[WHISTLES]
♪ I dream of Wrangler
With the light yellow hair ♪
♪ Floating like a vapor ♪
If he sings any higher,
those dogs will tear him apart.
♪ Many were the wild notes
Her merry voice would pour ♪
♪ Many were the blithe
birds That warbled them o'er ♪
Sarge, what are we
gonna do about my cousin?
Now, don't worry about it.
I'll go up to the Hekawi camp
and see if Pierre
is telling the truth.
Well, then I'll figure
out what to do.
Thanks, sarge.
♪ On the soft summer air ♪
Oh, that was just beautiful,
Sergeant Ramsden.
Don't be formal, my dear.
My friends call me
the Singing Mountie.
Jane, I think you'd better go.
Sergeant Ramsden
has a lot of work to do.
Yes, I'm going to run down a
couple of leads on the case.
Would you, uh, care to
join me in the sled, my dear?
My dogs are waiting
with wagging tails.
Oh, that would be thrilling.
Bye, Wilton.
Jane, I thought we
were going riding.
See you later, captain. Mush!
♪ Tramp, tramp, tramp
Along the highway ♪
♪ Tramp, tramp, tramp
The road is green ♪
Oh, uh, captain, I wanna
go search the area,
see if I can find
this Lucky Pierre.
I think the only tail
that's wagging is his.
What's that, sir?
Oh, uh, nothing, sergeant.
Nothing. Wh-what is it?
Uh, I said I'd like to go see
if I could find Lucky Pierre.
Oh, uh...
[♪♪♪]
Voilà, mes amis.
You're about to have
the pleasure of tasting
a gourmet's delight.
You taste first, Crazy Cat.
No, after you. You the chief.
If you want to be like
chief, you taste first.
If you taste first,
maybe I be chief.
Please. I will taste first.
Ooh, la-la!
Pierre, you've done it again.
Hey, Wild Eagle, Craze.
Listen, Lucky Pierre.
Where is my cousin?
He's under house
arrest, thanks to you.
But I would never do
anything to cause the arrest
of my cousin Randolph,
the son de ma tante Becky,
who was married
to Uncle Freddie,
who was my mother's
favorite brother,
whose sister Zelda...
All right, Pierre.
Walenski.
They say you're a crook.
Him a crook?
Well, all I know is
that the Mounties
never go after the wrong man.
Please, sergeant,
you must believe me.
Sacrebleu!
I should have
thought of it before.
Thought of what?
This must be the work of
the most infamous fur thief
in all Canada.
Who's that?
Ze Burglar of Banff-f-f.
The Burglar of Banff-f-f?
He's so clever. He
once stole a beaver coat.
What's so clever about that?
It was still on ze beaver.
Yeah, well, I don't think
there is a Burglar of Banff-f-f.
Come on.
All right, sergeant.
Au revoir, Crazy Pussy.
Wild Eagle, my only regret
is that we could not go
into the fur-coat
business together.
It would have made a
fortune for you, for ze tribe,
for Sergeant
O'Rourke, for all of us.
Uh, just a minute here, Pierre.
I'd like to hear a little more
about this Burglar of Banff-f.
[♪♪♪]
What happened, sarge?
This cousin of yours is
a pretty persuasive fella.
Now, he keeps telling
me he's innocent.
Oh, you can believe him, sarge.
He may be a crook,
but he's not a liar.
Pierre tells me that this
Mountie may be looking
for another fur
thief altogether.
Somebody called the...
The Burglar of Banff-f-f.
Uh, uh, captain,
[CLEARS THROAT] I
assure you, I am closing in.
I am tightening the
noose on Lucky Pierre.
I don't think you'll ever
take him by surprise.
It's pretty hard to
sneak up on a man
when you're singing,
"tramp, tramp, tramp"
at the top of your voice.
Captain, I never have
to worry about that,
with my new techniques
in criminology.
Do you realize that I can
sift the ashes of a campfire,
and know exactly how long
the fire has been burning,
what food the man was eating,
and how tall he is?
You can tell all that just
from sifting the ashes?
On a good day, I can even
tell the color of his eyes.
If you can do all that,
how come you've never
found Lucky Pierre?
I've never found his campfire.
Th-then how do you
know he's in this area?
I've been following him
by the broken-twig method.
[KNOCKING]
Come in.
Ah. Oh, uh, sorry, sir.
I didn't realize you were busy.
No, no, no, come in, O'Rourke.
Sergeant Ramsden was just
giving me a lecture
on criminology.
Well, that must
be very fascinating.
Of course I didn't
mean to interrupt.
As a matter of fact, it
is fascinating, sergeant.
For instance, do you know
I can take one look at you
and tell exactly where
you've been this morning?
You... You can?
A little clay dust
on your boots.
You've been off the fort.
Oh, yeah. Well, I
went into town, sir.
Pants a bit shiny.
You've been riding
some distance.
Oh, yes. I was out
looking for Lucky Pierre.
Gravy stains on your uniform.
You had pork and
beans for lunch.
Ah, ha, ha. Right
again, sergeant.
What have we here?
Captain Parmenter,
come take a look.
What is it, sergeant?
Look for yourself.
What do you see under
this magnifying glass?
A big, fat thumb.
Captain, what am I
holding with that thumb?
Big, fat finger.
Captain, don't you see?
It is a hair of a
fur-bearing animal.
Oh, yes. I guess it is at that.
Ah! Well, when I was
out in the woods, sir,
you see, this squirrel
ran right up my arm.
This is not the
hair of a squirrel,
Captain Parmenter.
This is the hair of the fur of
the rare and valuable mink.
A fur that is known
to be in the possession
of Lucky Pierre.
Well, maybe that squirrel
was playing around with a mink.
Yeah, well, I certainly
don't have any idea
how that hair got
on my shirt, sergeant.
Well, I do. Oh.
Is it not true that you sleep
in the same barracks
with Corporal Agarn,
the cousin of Lucky Pierre? Yes.
Well, it's obvious that a
big, healthy man like you
must sleep with
the windows open.
Well, sure.
What are you getting at?
I submit to you
that Corporal Agarn
has made contact
with his cousin,
and the wind from
the open window
blew the fur from his
uniform to O'Rourke's.
Oh, I can't believe
this of Agarn.
Which proves conclusively
that Lucky Pierre
is in this area.
I'm going to make
a reconnaissance.
I'll be back by sunset.
Oh, and I must ask both of you
not to reveal these
findings to Corporal Agarn.
You have our word.
Good.
I really can't believe
this, sergeant.
Well, I admit it looks pretty
bad for my buddy, sir, but...
For my files.
Sir, I-I heard some fur traders
over at the saloon talking,
and they said
that the real culprit
that you should be looking
for was a notorious fur thief
known as the
Burglar of Banff-f-f.
The Burglar of Banff-f-f?
Oh, no, I think that's just a
name that Lucky Pierre uses
to throw people off the track.
Nah, no, I don't
believe that, captain.
You know, sergeant, I
may not be able to sing,
but I am a bit of a
criminologist myself.
You are, sir?
Fur thieves steal furs
from people who trap furs.
Right, sergeant?
Right. Now, sergeant.
Who around Fort Courage
goes in for trapping furs?
Well, I don't know. Who?
Indians. Oh, sure.
We are going to
look for Lucky Pierre
in the Hekawi camp.
Captain, I tell you, we're
on a wild-goose chase.
No, we're on a wild-mink chase.
You can be a criminologist
with a sense of humor too.
Listen, you better let
me talk to Wild Eagle.
I mean, he might not talk
as freely in front of you.
No, no, no, I'm just going
to explain to the chief
that all we're looking for
is a little information
on Lucky Pierre.
Hey, Wild Eagle. Hey,
how are you, there?
Listen, Captain
Parmenter is looking
for some information
about Lucky Pierre,
who he thinks is a fur thief.
'Course, I told him that you
hadn't seen Lucky Pierre.
And if Lucky Pierre was here,
that he'd be hiding in a teepee.
Sergeant O'Rourke
speak truth, captain.
We not see this
man Lucky Pierre.
How do you know
you haven't seen him?
You may have seen
him and not know it.
I don't think he'd walk
into camp and say:
"Hi there, Chief Wild Eagle,
I'm Lucky Pierre,
the fur thief."
No, no. You don't
understand, captain.
Now, you see, Wild Eagle
knows all about fur thieves.
Why, he could recognize
Lucky Pierre a mile away.
Nevertheless, sergeant,
I think the chief
should have some idea
of what he looks like.
Now, he can best
be described as...
Corporal Agarn
with a French accent.
No man like that been
around Hekawi camp, captain.
Chief Wild Eagle,
ready to taste
delicious bouillabaisse?
Ah. Bouillabaisse.
Bouillabaisse?
Why that's a French dish.
No, no, that's...
That's an Indian dish.
You see, the French
took it from the Indians.
Now, "bouilla"
means "bark of tree,"
and "baisse" means "soup."
So bouillabaisse is
"soup of bark of tree."
Oh, I see. Well,
go ahead, chief.
Don't let us
interrupt your meal.
Just take one taste.
Ooh, la-la. That's good.
"Ooh, la-la?"
That's an old Indian saying.
Yes. You see, "ooh" means
"hot" and "la" means "very."
So "ooh, la-la"
means "very, very hot."
[♪♪♪]
I suppose that
fur coat is squirrel.
Lucky Pierre is around
here some place,
and I'm going to find him.
Now, captain,
really, I... Ah, uh...
You've gotta find Lucky
Pierre and get him outta here.
I not know where he is.
I know where he is.
MAN: Ah!
I've got him, sergeant.
You should never
cook with garlic.
But mon capitaine, I'm innocent.
Captain, listen, I've
gotta be honest with you.
Now, I knew Lucky
Pierre was here all the time
but, well, he's convinced
me that he is not the fur thief,
and I didn't want
that smug Mountie
to be getting the wrong man.
I don't like that
Singing Mountie
any more than you do,
but the evidence is clear.
The Singing Mountie?
But he's my friend.
I taught him to sing
"Frère Jacques."
That's the only
song he hasn't sung.
But that is his favorite. He
goes around always singing:
♪ Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques,
Dormez vous? Dormez vous? ♪
♪ Sonnez les matines
Sonnez les matines ♪
♪ Ding ding dong
Ding ding dong ♪
Sergeant, this man is guilty.
Now, how can you
tell that, captain?
Because he is
imitating a baritone
and the Singing
Mountie is a tenor.
Mais non, capitaine!
The Singing
Mountie is a baritone.
I swear it.
He is?
Captain, now,
just a minute here.
If Lucky Pierre is right,
then Sergeant Ramsden is
not the real Singing Mountie.
I mean, unless his
voice has changed.
Then, who could he be?
The Burglar... of Banff-f-f.
♪ I dream of Wrangler
With the light yellow hair ♪
♪ Floating like a vapor ♪
♪ On the soft summer air ♪
♪ Many were the wild notes
Her merry voice would pour ♪
♪ Many were the blithe
birds That warbled them o'er ♪
♪ I dream of Wrangler
With the light yellow hair ♪
♪ Floating like a vapor ♪
♪ On the soft summer air ♪
Good work, captain.
You've captured Lucky Pierre.
I'll take him back to
Canada to stand trial.
In the dogsled, you blackguard.
One last song before
I leave, my dear.
O'ROURKE: Just
a minute, sergeant.
Lucky Pierre, is this
the Singing Mountie?
No. This man is an impostor.
Would you sing "Frère
Jacques," sergeant?
You mean you
believe this fur thief?
Would you just sing
"Frère Jacques"?
[WHISTLES IN DEEP TONE]
I believe that's
your key, sergeant.
♪ Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques ♪
♪ Dormez vous? Dormez v... ♪
Stop. Stop the
music. I accuse this...
This tenor of being
the Burglar of Banff-f-f.
Me, the Burglar of Banff-f-f?
This man is mad.
I'm afraid I'm going to have
to place you under arrest,
Sergeant Ramsden,
or whoever you are.
Not on your life, captain.
You'll never take the
Burglar of Banff-f-f alive!
Mush!
[♪♪♪]
Dobbs, Duffy.
Let's put this
canary in the cage.
Yes, sir.
Oh, Wilton, I'm so proud of you.
You weren't taken
in by him a minute.
No, but you were.
He's right.
You were dazzled
by his pitch pipe.
Oh, I think you're both awful.
[SINGING IN DISTANCE]
Do you hear that?
Why, he's escaped already.
No, look.
♪ Captain Dick's own infantry ♪
Lucky Pierre.
Hello there, Singing Mountie.
Sergeant Ramsden, Royal
Canadian Mounted Police.
We always get our man.
I'm Captain Parmenter.
This is Sergeant O'Rourke,
and this is Wrangler Jane.
Wrangler Jane.
[WHISTLES IN DEEP TONE]
♪ I dream of Wrangler
With a light yellow hair ♪
♪ Borne like a vapor
On the summer air ♪
♪ I see her tripping ♪
♪ Where the bright
springs Play... ♪
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Well. Well, there
you are, Agarn,
your share of this
month's profits.
Gee, sarge, this is the most
money you ever paid me.
Well, after all, you've been a
hardworking, loyal employee
of O'Rourke Enterprises,
and this saloon has
turned out to be a gold mine.
Knock on wood.
Sarge, somebody's after us!
There's a note on that thing.
I don't need no note.
I got the message
from the knife.
"Allo, cozin. I am in zee
alley next to zee zaloon.
Come queek. Your cozin Pierre."
I got no cousin Pierre.
But I do. He's a fur
trapper in Canada.
Fur trapper? Yeah.
MAN: Psst.
Cousin Randolph, c'est moi.
Who is he? Can he be trusted?
Oh, sure. He's my best friend.
AGARN: This is
Sergeant O'Rourke.
Sarge, this is my
cousin, Pierre Agarniere.
Otherwise known as Lucky Pierre.
Glad to meet ya...
[WHISPERING] Glad to meet you.
My pleasure, sergeant.
Excuse me. I cannot be
seen. I must stay out of sight.
Listen, if you're so lucky,
why you hiding in an alley?
I'm being pursued by crooks.
They want to steal my furs.
Voilà.
These are worth a fortune.
I never saw that
kind of fur before.
Ah, you are right, monsieur.
I developed this myself.
Through careful crossbreeding,
I have mated a lynx
with a marmoset.
What do you call it?
Minks.
Oh, that's very clever of
you, Lucky, crossbreeding, ah.
I am also thinking of
mating a fox with my mink.
You could call it a fink.
[LAUGHING]
Very good, cousin. Very good.
Or you could even
cross a lynx and a fox
and you'd have a lox.
Never mind the crossbreeding.
If you're worried about
somebody getting at those pelts,
leave them with our
friends, the Hekawis.
But they are Indians, no?
They are Indians, yes,
but they're our friends.
We do business with them.
You'll be safe up there.
You go up and tell
them we sent you.
Their camp is about three
miles off the road near the lake.
Very good. I'll go
there after dark.
Fine, we'll see you tomorrow,
Lucky. Come on, Agarn.
Au revoir.
That means goodbye in French.
Agarn, your
cousin, Lucky Pierre,
has really brought us some luck.
He has? Don't you get it?
We're going in the
fur business with him.
Look, he's got the pelts,
we got the Hekawi squaws
to make 'em into fur coats.
Sarge, you're right.
We'll make a fortune off
those minks, finks and lox.
[BUGLE PLAYING]
Not you, Dobbs.
Oh.
Dobbs was just trying
out his new bugle.
Ain't it a beauty?
Captain requisitioned it for me.
Listen to this:
[BUGLE SQUEAKS]
Now we know what
happened to the old one,
it committed suicide.
Now, Dobbs just has to
practice with this new...
MAN SINGING: ♪ Tramp,
tramp, tramp Along the highway ♪
♪ Tramp, tramp,
tramp The road is free ♪
♪ We're planters and Canucks
Virginians and Kentucks ♪
♪ Captain Dick's own infantry ♪
♪ Captain Dick's own infantry ♪
Sergeant Ramsden, Royal
Canadian Mounted Police.
We always get our man.
Welcome to Fort
Courage, sergeant.
Hey, lookie here.
He's got wheels on this thing.
Just a clever
innovation of mine.
A first for the Mounties.
A sled with retractable wheels.
What brings you to Fort Courage?
I am looking for a
fugitive from justice.
A notorious fur thief.
Homina, homina,
homina... What's his name?
They call him... Lucky Pierre.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Sarge, I'm sure my
cousin can explain this.
Ah, you and your
crooked relatives.
Wait a minute, sarge.
My relatives are as
honest as the day is long.
Oh, yeah? What about that
cousin of yours down in Mexico?
That bandit El Diablo?
Well, the days are
shorter in Mexico.
Hey. Maybe we could
make as much on the reward
as we could on the
fur-coat business.
Reward? Sure.
Sarge, you can't
turn in Lucky Pierre.
He's my cousin.
Son of my aunt Charlene,
who was married
to my uncle Harry,
who was my mother's favorite,
next to her brother Seymour,
who's married to the
lovely Lily Farquhart
of the Passaic Farquharts,
who lived on the big house
on the hill next to the Langtons,
whose daughter
Shirley married... Agarn!
Walenski. Walenski?
Yeah, Shirley married
Irving Walenski,
whose son Melvin...
All right, I won't
turn your cousin in
until I talk to him.
But he'd better have
a good explanation.
[BUGLE SQUEAKING]
Now that you've got a new bugle,
why don't you
requisition new lips?
Ho! Ten-hut.
F Troop all present
and accounted for, sir.
Thank you, sergeant.
At ease, men. At ease.
Now, today I would like you
all to meet Sergeant Ramsden
of the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police.
We always get our man.
That's good. That's good.
And as a matter of fact,
that's what has brought
him to Fort Courage.
He is looking for a notorious
French Canadian fur thief
named Lucky Pierre.
Now, I want you all to
cooperate and be neighborly
to our good neighbor from
the north while he's here
in the neighborhood.
Uh, Sergeant Ramsden,
could you give the men
a description of this thief?
I have found my man.
Corporal Agarn? Oh,
no. He can't be the man.
Sergeant, you must be mistaken.
I'd know this face any place.
Even though he has
cleverly shaved off
his mustache and beard.
You're cunning, Pierre.
Now, wait a minute.
Didn't you say
this fur thief was a
French Canadian?
Corporal Agarn speaks English
as well as anyone from New Jersey.
In the three years I
have been tracking him,
it is possible he
lost his accent.
But I will give him a test.
PARMENTER: A test?
[WHISPERING] The French have great
difficulty pronouncing the letters T-H. Th.
Repeat. Thoughtful thinkers
think thoughtful thoughts
through thick and
thin. Thoughtful thinkers
think thoughtful thoughts
through thick and thin.
Ah! You see there, sergeant?
Yeah. And if Peter Piper
picked a peck of pickled peppers,
how many pickled peppers
did Peter Piper pick?
Very good, Agarn. I always
have trouble with that.
Peter Piker picked...
I still say he's French.
How long you been in
the cavalry? Ten years.
How long at Fort
Courage? Four years.
When was your last furlough?
A year ago last March.
Where'd you go? Canada,
to visit my cousin Pierre.
Captain Parmenter,
throw this man in irons.
Now wait a minute. He
hasn't done anything.
Sergeant O'Rourke is right.
Corporal Agarn is not
his cousin's keeper.
He may be his accomplice.
I suggest you confine
this man to quarters.
I know his cousin is in
this area, and I'm sure
Lucky Pierre will make
some attempt to contact him.
Well, under the circumstances,
I guess it's the
only thing to do.
I'm sorry, corporal,
but I'm going to have to
confine you to your quarters.
I understand, sir.
Sergeant, dismiss the troop.
Yes, sir.
Troop, dismissed.
Hey, Agarn, are
you really in cahoots
with your cousin Lucky Pierre?
Do you think you can get
me a fur coat wholesale?
No, I'm not in cahoots,
and I'm not gonna
get you a fur coat.
Hi, Wilton. Hi, Jane.
Uh, Sergeant Ramsden,
I'd like you to meet
Wrangler Jane.
This is Sergeant Ramsden
of the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police.
We always get our man.
And we, uh, get our woman too.
[WHISTLES]
♪ I dream of Wrangler
With the light yellow hair ♪
♪ Floating like a vapor ♪
If he sings any higher,
those dogs will tear him apart.
♪ Many were the wild notes
Her merry voice would pour ♪
♪ Many were the blithe
birds That warbled them o'er ♪
Sarge, what are we
gonna do about my cousin?
Now, don't worry about it.
I'll go up to the Hekawi camp
and see if Pierre
is telling the truth.
Well, then I'll figure
out what to do.
Thanks, sarge.
♪ On the soft summer air ♪
Oh, that was just beautiful,
Sergeant Ramsden.
Don't be formal, my dear.
My friends call me
the Singing Mountie.
Jane, I think you'd better go.
Sergeant Ramsden
has a lot of work to do.
Yes, I'm going to run down a
couple of leads on the case.
Would you, uh, care to
join me in the sled, my dear?
My dogs are waiting
with wagging tails.
Oh, that would be thrilling.
Bye, Wilton.
Jane, I thought we
were going riding.
See you later, captain. Mush!
♪ Tramp, tramp, tramp
Along the highway ♪
♪ Tramp, tramp, tramp
The road is green ♪
Oh, uh, captain, I wanna
go search the area,
see if I can find
this Lucky Pierre.
I think the only tail
that's wagging is his.
What's that, sir?
Oh, uh, nothing, sergeant.
Nothing. Wh-what is it?
Uh, I said I'd like to go see
if I could find Lucky Pierre.
Oh, uh...
[♪♪♪]
Voilà, mes amis.
You're about to have
the pleasure of tasting
a gourmet's delight.
You taste first, Crazy Cat.
No, after you. You the chief.
If you want to be like
chief, you taste first.
If you taste first,
maybe I be chief.
Please. I will taste first.
Ooh, la-la!
Pierre, you've done it again.
Hey, Wild Eagle, Craze.
Listen, Lucky Pierre.
Where is my cousin?
He's under house
arrest, thanks to you.
But I would never do
anything to cause the arrest
of my cousin Randolph,
the son de ma tante Becky,
who was married
to Uncle Freddie,
who was my mother's
favorite brother,
whose sister Zelda...
All right, Pierre.
Walenski.
They say you're a crook.
Him a crook?
Well, all I know is
that the Mounties
never go after the wrong man.
Please, sergeant,
you must believe me.
Sacrebleu!
I should have
thought of it before.
Thought of what?
This must be the work of
the most infamous fur thief
in all Canada.
Who's that?
Ze Burglar of Banff-f-f.
The Burglar of Banff-f-f?
He's so clever. He
once stole a beaver coat.
What's so clever about that?
It was still on ze beaver.
Yeah, well, I don't think
there is a Burglar of Banff-f-f.
Come on.
All right, sergeant.
Au revoir, Crazy Pussy.
Wild Eagle, my only regret
is that we could not go
into the fur-coat
business together.
It would have made a
fortune for you, for ze tribe,
for Sergeant
O'Rourke, for all of us.
Uh, just a minute here, Pierre.
I'd like to hear a little more
about this Burglar of Banff-f.
[♪♪♪]
What happened, sarge?
This cousin of yours is
a pretty persuasive fella.
Now, he keeps telling
me he's innocent.
Oh, you can believe him, sarge.
He may be a crook,
but he's not a liar.
Pierre tells me that this
Mountie may be looking
for another fur
thief altogether.
Somebody called the...
The Burglar of Banff-f-f.
Uh, uh, captain,
[CLEARS THROAT] I
assure you, I am closing in.
I am tightening the
noose on Lucky Pierre.
I don't think you'll ever
take him by surprise.
It's pretty hard to
sneak up on a man
when you're singing,
"tramp, tramp, tramp"
at the top of your voice.
Captain, I never have
to worry about that,
with my new techniques
in criminology.
Do you realize that I can
sift the ashes of a campfire,
and know exactly how long
the fire has been burning,
what food the man was eating,
and how tall he is?
You can tell all that just
from sifting the ashes?
On a good day, I can even
tell the color of his eyes.
If you can do all that,
how come you've never
found Lucky Pierre?
I've never found his campfire.
Th-then how do you
know he's in this area?
I've been following him
by the broken-twig method.
[KNOCKING]
Come in.
Ah. Oh, uh, sorry, sir.
I didn't realize you were busy.
No, no, no, come in, O'Rourke.
Sergeant Ramsden was just
giving me a lecture
on criminology.
Well, that must
be very fascinating.
Of course I didn't
mean to interrupt.
As a matter of fact, it
is fascinating, sergeant.
For instance, do you know
I can take one look at you
and tell exactly where
you've been this morning?
You... You can?
A little clay dust
on your boots.
You've been off the fort.
Oh, yeah. Well, I
went into town, sir.
Pants a bit shiny.
You've been riding
some distance.
Oh, yes. I was out
looking for Lucky Pierre.
Gravy stains on your uniform.
You had pork and
beans for lunch.
Ah, ha, ha. Right
again, sergeant.
What have we here?
Captain Parmenter,
come take a look.
What is it, sergeant?
Look for yourself.
What do you see under
this magnifying glass?
A big, fat thumb.
Captain, what am I
holding with that thumb?
Big, fat finger.
Captain, don't you see?
It is a hair of a
fur-bearing animal.
Oh, yes. I guess it is at that.
Ah! Well, when I was
out in the woods, sir,
you see, this squirrel
ran right up my arm.
This is not the
hair of a squirrel,
Captain Parmenter.
This is the hair of the fur of
the rare and valuable mink.
A fur that is known
to be in the possession
of Lucky Pierre.
Well, maybe that squirrel
was playing around with a mink.
Yeah, well, I certainly
don't have any idea
how that hair got
on my shirt, sergeant.
Well, I do. Oh.
Is it not true that you sleep
in the same barracks
with Corporal Agarn,
the cousin of Lucky Pierre? Yes.
Well, it's obvious that a
big, healthy man like you
must sleep with
the windows open.
Well, sure.
What are you getting at?
I submit to you
that Corporal Agarn
has made contact
with his cousin,
and the wind from
the open window
blew the fur from his
uniform to O'Rourke's.
Oh, I can't believe
this of Agarn.
Which proves conclusively
that Lucky Pierre
is in this area.
I'm going to make
a reconnaissance.
I'll be back by sunset.
Oh, and I must ask both of you
not to reveal these
findings to Corporal Agarn.
You have our word.
Good.
I really can't believe
this, sergeant.
Well, I admit it looks pretty
bad for my buddy, sir, but...
For my files.
Sir, I-I heard some fur traders
over at the saloon talking,
and they said
that the real culprit
that you should be looking
for was a notorious fur thief
known as the
Burglar of Banff-f-f.
The Burglar of Banff-f-f?
Oh, no, I think that's just a
name that Lucky Pierre uses
to throw people off the track.
Nah, no, I don't
believe that, captain.
You know, sergeant, I
may not be able to sing,
but I am a bit of a
criminologist myself.
You are, sir?
Fur thieves steal furs
from people who trap furs.
Right, sergeant?
Right. Now, sergeant.
Who around Fort Courage
goes in for trapping furs?
Well, I don't know. Who?
Indians. Oh, sure.
We are going to
look for Lucky Pierre
in the Hekawi camp.
Captain, I tell you, we're
on a wild-goose chase.
No, we're on a wild-mink chase.
You can be a criminologist
with a sense of humor too.
Listen, you better let
me talk to Wild Eagle.
I mean, he might not talk
as freely in front of you.
No, no, no, I'm just going
to explain to the chief
that all we're looking for
is a little information
on Lucky Pierre.
Hey, Wild Eagle. Hey,
how are you, there?
Listen, Captain
Parmenter is looking
for some information
about Lucky Pierre,
who he thinks is a fur thief.
'Course, I told him that you
hadn't seen Lucky Pierre.
And if Lucky Pierre was here,
that he'd be hiding in a teepee.
Sergeant O'Rourke
speak truth, captain.
We not see this
man Lucky Pierre.
How do you know
you haven't seen him?
You may have seen
him and not know it.
I don't think he'd walk
into camp and say:
"Hi there, Chief Wild Eagle,
I'm Lucky Pierre,
the fur thief."
No, no. You don't
understand, captain.
Now, you see, Wild Eagle
knows all about fur thieves.
Why, he could recognize
Lucky Pierre a mile away.
Nevertheless, sergeant,
I think the chief
should have some idea
of what he looks like.
Now, he can best
be described as...
Corporal Agarn
with a French accent.
No man like that been
around Hekawi camp, captain.
Chief Wild Eagle,
ready to taste
delicious bouillabaisse?
Ah. Bouillabaisse.
Bouillabaisse?
Why that's a French dish.
No, no, that's...
That's an Indian dish.
You see, the French
took it from the Indians.
Now, "bouilla"
means "bark of tree,"
and "baisse" means "soup."
So bouillabaisse is
"soup of bark of tree."
Oh, I see. Well,
go ahead, chief.
Don't let us
interrupt your meal.
Just take one taste.
Ooh, la-la. That's good.
"Ooh, la-la?"
That's an old Indian saying.
Yes. You see, "ooh" means
"hot" and "la" means "very."
So "ooh, la-la"
means "very, very hot."
[♪♪♪]
I suppose that
fur coat is squirrel.
Lucky Pierre is around
here some place,
and I'm going to find him.
Now, captain,
really, I... Ah, uh...
You've gotta find Lucky
Pierre and get him outta here.
I not know where he is.
I know where he is.
MAN: Ah!
I've got him, sergeant.
You should never
cook with garlic.
But mon capitaine, I'm innocent.
Captain, listen, I've
gotta be honest with you.
Now, I knew Lucky
Pierre was here all the time
but, well, he's convinced
me that he is not the fur thief,
and I didn't want
that smug Mountie
to be getting the wrong man.
I don't like that
Singing Mountie
any more than you do,
but the evidence is clear.
The Singing Mountie?
But he's my friend.
I taught him to sing
"Frère Jacques."
That's the only
song he hasn't sung.
But that is his favorite. He
goes around always singing:
♪ Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques,
Dormez vous? Dormez vous? ♪
♪ Sonnez les matines
Sonnez les matines ♪
♪ Ding ding dong
Ding ding dong ♪
Sergeant, this man is guilty.
Now, how can you
tell that, captain?
Because he is
imitating a baritone
and the Singing
Mountie is a tenor.
Mais non, capitaine!
The Singing
Mountie is a baritone.
I swear it.
He is?
Captain, now,
just a minute here.
If Lucky Pierre is right,
then Sergeant Ramsden is
not the real Singing Mountie.
I mean, unless his
voice has changed.
Then, who could he be?
The Burglar... of Banff-f-f.
♪ I dream of Wrangler
With the light yellow hair ♪
♪ Floating like a vapor ♪
♪ On the soft summer air ♪
♪ Many were the wild notes
Her merry voice would pour ♪
♪ Many were the blithe
birds That warbled them o'er ♪
♪ I dream of Wrangler
With the light yellow hair ♪
♪ Floating like a vapor ♪
♪ On the soft summer air ♪
Good work, captain.
You've captured Lucky Pierre.
I'll take him back to
Canada to stand trial.
In the dogsled, you blackguard.
One last song before
I leave, my dear.
O'ROURKE: Just
a minute, sergeant.
Lucky Pierre, is this
the Singing Mountie?
No. This man is an impostor.
Would you sing "Frère
Jacques," sergeant?
You mean you
believe this fur thief?
Would you just sing
"Frère Jacques"?
[WHISTLES IN DEEP TONE]
I believe that's
your key, sergeant.
♪ Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques ♪
♪ Dormez vous? Dormez v... ♪
Stop. Stop the
music. I accuse this...
This tenor of being
the Burglar of Banff-f-f.
Me, the Burglar of Banff-f-f?
This man is mad.
I'm afraid I'm going to have
to place you under arrest,
Sergeant Ramsden,
or whoever you are.
Not on your life, captain.
You'll never take the
Burglar of Banff-f-f alive!
Mush!
[♪♪♪]
Dobbs, Duffy.
Let's put this
canary in the cage.
Yes, sir.
Oh, Wilton, I'm so proud of you.
You weren't taken
in by him a minute.
No, but you were.
He's right.
You were dazzled
by his pitch pipe.
Oh, I think you're both awful.
[SINGING IN DISTANCE]
Do you hear that?
Why, he's escaped already.
No, look.
♪ Captain Dick's own infantry ♪
Lucky Pierre.
Hello there, Singing Mountie.
Sergeant Ramsden, Royal
Canadian Mounted Police.
We always get our man.
I'm Captain Parmenter.
This is Sergeant O'Rourke,
and this is Wrangler Jane.
Wrangler Jane.
[WHISTLES IN DEEP TONE]
♪ I dream of Wrangler
With a light yellow hair ♪
♪ Borne like a vapor
On the summer air ♪
♪ I see her tripping ♪
♪ Where the bright
springs Play... ♪
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]