F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 33 - The Day the Indians Won - full transcript

The Hekawis - the tribe that invented the peace pipe - are ordered to go on the warpath so they attack Fort Courage.

♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little
Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪



♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Whoop.

Oops.

Janie, what are you doing?

Well, as long as you ain't
gonna sweep me off my feet,

I figured I'd sweep
you off yours.

Janey, I've told you,
not in front of the men.

I was bringing you a letter.



It's from the territory
headquarters.

Oh, thank you.

I sure hope it ain't
nothin' serious, Wilton.

I hate bringin' bad
news, especially to you,

'cause every time, you
get the longest face...

No, no, no, no, it's
from Major Duncan.

He says he's worried
about the Hekawis.

They've been quiet too long.

What's wrong with that?

Oh, well, you know the major.

I wouldn't worry none, Wilton.

Now, why don't we
ride up to Kissin' Rock

and have a nice picnic?

Janey, I happen to be on duty.

Now, would you let
me down, please?

All right, Wilton.

See ya later.

Bye.

Bye.

Here comes the captain.

Don't let him hold us up.

We got a board
meeting with the Hekawi,

talk over souvenir business.

Don't worry about a
thing. I'll take care of this.

Oh, uh, Sergeant O'Rourke.

Oh, captain. Uh, sir,
would it be all right

if Corporal Agarn...?

I-I-I'm sorry, sergeant,
it'll have to wait.

I want the two of you to do a
little spying on the Hekawis.

Well, you see, sir,
something very important...

You want us to go up
to the Hekawi camp, sir?

Yes, it's very urgent.

Well, of course any little
matter of ours can wait, sir.

Oh, that's right. You
know us, captain.

When duty calls,
we're right there.

The Army comes first.

Our country, right or wrong.

The Stars and Stripes forever.

The rockets' red glare,
the bombs bursting in air...

Corporal.

All I'm asking you to do is
ride up to the Hekawi camp.

Sorry, sir, I just
got carried away.

What is it you
want us to do, sir?

Well, Major Duncan
is very suspicious.

He feels the Hekawis
have been quiet too long.

He's afraid that...

He's afraid they're
planning an uprising.

Ooh!

Well, sir, we'll
take care of it.

Good, good. Thank you, sergeant.

Yes, sir.

Did ya hear that, sarge?

Major Duncan thinks the Hekawi
are gonna stage an uprising.

Is that a laugh?

It's the best laugh
I've had in a month.

You want Hekawi uprising?

Who we uprise against?

We not care who,

but Hekawi must go on warpath.

Boy, have you got wrong tribe.

You hold your tongue, Crazy Cat.

You not forget you
talk to me, Snake Eyes.

Inspector, Council of
Indian Nations, West.

But we in good
standing. We pay dues.

Money not everything.

Boy, have you got wrong tribe.

Look at Hekawi record.

Not one massacre.

Not one town wiped out.

Not one wagon train attacked.

For 20 years, you
not even fight Indians.

That not true!

Last week, Crazy Cat
have big fight with Apache.

And I beat 'em, single handed.

How many Apache?

One. My wife. She
Apache on mother side.

Fight with wife not count.

You not see Crazy Cat's squaw.

Some tribes not that big.

Wild Eagle, I give
you last chance.

I come back Saturday.

By then, you must
have victory in fight.

Not care who. But
Hekawi must fight.

Snake Eyes, who we fight?

Hekawi not mad at nobody.

Then... Then get mad!

Remember old Injun saying:

"Nice guys no win
hunting grounds."

What we do now, chief?

Only one thing can do.

We make surprise attack
on old enemy, the Shugs.

But Shugs know Hekawis
never use tomahawks,

never use flaming arrows,

and all our braves
have chicken hearts.

That why it such big surprise.

One, two, three,
four... What's goin' on?

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

One, two three, four.

One, two three, four.

One, two three, four.

One, two three, four.

Take five.

Wild Eagle, what's
with the calisthenics?

Got to get braves plenty tough.

Fight Shugs.

Shugs?

Boys, we in big trouble.

Indian Council give Hekawi
till Saturday to win battle,

otherwise, get kicked
out of Indian Nations.

But, chief, you can't
stop being Indians.

You wanna blow our
whole souvenir business?

Aw, this is ridiculous!

If your tribe gets in a
fight, it'll be wiped out.

Not if get in condition.

Then maybe stand pretty
good chance against Shugs.

You can't fight the Shugs.

I mean, they're tough.

No more. Only six braves left.

Others get wiped
out by Geronimo.

Six Shugs.

Four-hundred Hekawi.

Chance? Forget it!

Now, Wild Eagle, ain't
nobody in your tribe

knows how to fight.

Hekawis lovers, not fighters.

Wait a minute.

Now we got two
good fighters in tribe.

Who?

You and corporal.

Why you think I make
you honorary Hekawi?

Oh, no. Forget it.

I'm a member of the
United States Cavalry.

And I ain't teaching
no Injuns Injun fightin'.

You want to be honorary
member of tribe that get wiped out?

Wait a minute, Agarn,
think about this for a minute.

If they get wiped out, so
does O'Rourke Enterprises.

Well, that's what I said, sarge.

Now let's get these
wildcats on their feet

and into basic training.

All right, on your feet!

I wanna see a little
life around here.

Up, down! Up, down!

Put your hearts
and your liver into it.

All right, there's your enemy:

The deadly Shugs.

Now, pay attention.

This is a tomahawk.

One of the deadliest
weapons in primitive warfare.

When thrown properly,

it can kill a man at 30 paces.

Who ever thought of
such a terrible weapon?

Who ever thought
of such a weapon?

It was your people
who thought of it!

We did?

Craze, you've
gotta think Indian.

I'll try, Agarn.

I will now demonstrate

the approved method
of tossing the tomahawk.

Held tightly in the right hand,
thumb meeting index finger.

The overlapping grip.

Forearm tight, wrist loose.

Eh? Eh? And follow through.

Another Shug bite dust.

All right, you braves, let's
see what you've learned.

Come on, now. Line up. Line up.

No, no, no. Next to each other.

This ain't a chow line. You
wanna wipe yourselves out?

Two lines, two lines.

All right, now. Ready.

Aim.

Fire.

Well, so much for tomahawks.

Next class... bow and arrow.

All right, now this shouldn't
be too tough, Wild Eagle.

You're Injuns. You've
all shot bows and arrows.

We never shoot at
anybody who shoot back.

Well, this is a cinch.

You've watched your
kids do it a million times.

Now just do like I taught ya.

Wait a minute, Craze.

It goes on top of the bow.

All right? Now, ready.

Aim.

Fire.

Fellas, not one
of ya hit the target!

Sarge, would you mind
pointing them the other way?

All right. Now, remember this.

There is nothing that
will put fear in the hearts

of the enemy like a good,
bloodcurdling war whoop.

Good idea.

Any you boys know war hoop?

Hoop? Hoop? Hoop? Hoop?

Now, wait a minute.
You're Injuns.

One of you must have... Agarn.

Craze. Let's hear from you.

Trouble, sarge. Trouble.

Now, look, Craze.

Just remember
a couple of things.

It starts here in the diaphragm.

Works its way up
through the voice box

and in through
the nasal passage.

Now, let me hear
it, loud and clear.

He's calling for
sparrows, isn't that cute?

Come on, try it one more time.

From the diaphragm, let it
come up through he larynx,

and out the...
Try it one more...

No, no no. Pear-shape
those, and...

Stay loose. Here we go.

He's not giving me what I want.

Now, that is a war whoop.

You're a wild eagle?

Your braves couldn't
beat the Shug squaws.

Couldn't even beat
their grandmothers.

Maybe we make
attack on own tribe.

Yeah, I think you'd
blow that one too.

Wait! Wild Eagle have idea.

Hekawis attack Fort Courage.

Are you outta your mind?

We'd wipe you out.

Not if Sergeant
O'Rourke fix fight.

Wait a minute. The
cavalry can't throw no fight.

That's unconstitutional.

This no big deal.
Just between us.

What friends for?

He's right, Agarn.
What are friends for?

Well, anybody knows that.
To help you make money.

Yeah, I don't know
how I'll arrange this,

but when do you
wanna take the fort?

Snake Eyes inspector
come back Saturday.

How about Friday?

That's a good day for a defeat.

What are we gonna do
about Captain Parmenter?

I'll think of somethin'.

O'Rourke, you very good friend.

Indian finally gonna win.

Yeah, but don't
make a habit of it.

Only one thing I feel
kind of bad about, chief.

What that?

O'Rourke Enterprises
gonna have to charge you

the cost of this
little uprising.

Mmm. Mmm-mmm!

You know, Janey,

I'd say there isn't a better
spaghetti cook than you

in the whole country.

Well, thank you, Wilton.

Getting it as almost
as much fun as eating it.

Well, if you like
my cookin' so much,

I... I know how you
can get it all the time.

So do I, but they won't let me

sign you up for the
cavalry. You're a girl.

Well, somebody
must have told you.

Wilton Parmenter,

ain't you never
considered gettin' married?

Sure, I have. Many times.

Well, what's holding you up?

Oh, because I always
cry at weddings,

and nobody likes to
see a grown man cry.

I swear, Wilton, I don't know
why I come over here so much.

Sometimes, I just think
I'm wastin' my time.

You are if you expect
to get into the cavalry.

Ah, wonderful
news, captain, sir.

Take a look at that.

What? Oh, oh.

Sorry, sir.

Oh, this is
marvelous. What is it?

Smells like spaghetti
à la marinara.

It's a new treaty
with the Hekawis, sir.

And this time we got them to
include a no-massacre clause.

Oh, well, this makes
it really binding.

Congratulations, men.

Shall we saddle your horse, sir?

Why? Is he going someplace?

You are, sir.

Territory headquarters has been
worried about a Hekawi uprising,

and this solves the problem.

Well, couldn't
I just mail it in?

And let someone else
take the credit, sir?

No, sir. You have got to go
and take the bows yourself.

They're right, Wilton.

And I'd be right pleased
to go along as your scout.

Oh, no, that would mean
we'd be out on the trail

all by ourselves.

How about that.

No, sir, we can't permit
you to make the trip alone.

Every turn will be
fraught with danger.

Fraught with danger?

And frit with peril.

You'd better take half
the troop for protection.

Yeah, that's a good
idea. I'll need it.

You wouldn't be safe if you
brought the whole U.S. Cavalry.

Janey, please, not
in front of the men.

Very well, sergeant. We'll
select the proper escort

as soon as I
finish my spaghetti.

One, two... upsie daisy!

I was expecting you, sir.

Yes.

Here we are, sir.

Corporal Agarn doesn't
know his own strength.

Sir, uh... uh... Oh. Yes.

Yes. Yes, that...
That's fine, sir.

Well, I guess we're all ready.

Have a nice trip, sir.

Thank you. Uh... Forward... Yo!

Yo!

Vanderbilt, close the gate
and then take the lookout tower.

You can trust me, corporal.

Do I look like a gate?

No.

You look more like
the lookout tower.

Go close the gate, will ya?!

All right, come on,
the rest of you guys.

I got a cleanup detail for ya.

Not again.

I found it.

All right, get in there and
start cleanin' things up,

and nobody gets out
until everything shines.

How do you shine
a blanket, sarge?

Come on, come on, move.

All right, that
takes care of them.

Hey, sarge. Look. A leftover.

Don't worry about him. He
ain't never gonna wake up.

Nobody suspects anything.

The Hekawis can attack
any time they want to.

Sarge, a terrible thing
is happening to me.

Oh? What?

Think my conscience is
trying to tell me something.

Who? Little voice inside
keeps saying to me:

"Agarn, you're a
Benedict Arnold."

"Agarn, you're a
Benedict Arnold."

I got a little voice
tellin' me something too.

What does it say?

"O'Rourke, you're
gonna get rich."

"O'Rourke, you're
gonna get rich."

I like your voice better.

Come on, let's go
check the saloon.

Halt.

Ah!

Maybe nobody home.

They must be home.

Soldiers expecting this
savage Indian attack.

I see soldier in lookout tower.

Soldier?

Open up gate.

Three o'clock and all is well.

Some lookout.
He not see or hear.

Hard to believe
Indian always lose.

How we get in fort?

That's why me chief
and you just Injun.

Wild Eagle prepared
for all emergency.

This beats scale
up wall any time.

Charge!

Wild Eagle, I
getting scared again.

Okay. We don't do war hoop.

Oh, thanks, chief.

This it, boys. Load up.

Load up?

Put arrow in bow!

Oh!

Now watch this.

Trick I see once
in medicine show.

Hi, Wild Eagle.

All right, F Troop.

This savage Injun attack.

You our prisoners.

Hey, what's goin' on?

Quiet! Line up against
wall with others.

Me? Oh, no. I'm on floor duty.

You hear chief.

Hey!

What's goin' on here?

Heavens to Betsy,
sarge, it's an Indian attack.

You under arrest.

Line up with other prisoners.

Oh.

Watch where you're
putti" that arrow.

Tie everybody up.

And use double
thongs on O'Rourke.

Hey, chief, you don't
have to tie me up.

You know that.

Sorry, sarge.

Got to make it look good.

Sound pretty tough, huh?

Now hear this.

This is your chief speaking.

I, Wild Eagle,

leader of all
Hekawis, claim victory.

Fort Courage now Fort Hekawi.

Hip hip!

Hooray!

Hip hip!

Hooray!

Yay, yay, yay...

Snake Eyes, we have met
enemy, and they are ours.

I never think you do it.

Wild Eagle, you are bigger
warrior than Geronimo.

Oh, some got it and some ain't.

Oh, I expect the chief
will recommend you

for life membership in
Council Indian Nations.

West.

East too.

Oh, this big victory.
Two-point credit.

Oh, it nothing.

Just settle for small medal.

Injun hero, how you
plan your next move?

What next move?

Injun have no use for fort,

except to run horses around
and to shoot flaming arrows at.

So we go home to village.

Not yet. First, you
massacre F Troop.

Burn fort to ground.

Four-point credit.

But this good fort.

Why burn down?

Sell back to paleface.

Get much wampum.

No sell. Burn! Kill!

How else Indian
get country back?

Chief Wild Eagle,
captain, soldiers coming.

What we do now?

What do we do now?

I know what I do.

I Inspector, not fighter.

I getting outta here.

Snake Eyes, wait!

We go too!

You stay.

Defend Fort Hekawi.

I give you two-point bonus.

Some inspector.

Next to him, I am Geronimo.

Come on, Wild Eagle, untie us.

Maybe if we're lucky,

they'll kill us before
the captain gets in.

Hurry up, I gotta
get you outta here.

Wilton!

Wilton, somethin'
terrible's goin' on.

There's an Injun
in the lookout tower.

Those darn Hekawis.

They broke their
brand new treaty.

Guys, we're gonna have
to attack our own fort?

Dobbs, sound the charge.

To the parapets, men!

Charge!

Well, come on, men,
the parapets, darn it!

What's the matter with you?

Well, captain, how we
gonna man the parapets

when we're on the outside?

Oh. Well, there...

There must be something at...

There must be something
in the manual under...

"forts."

"How to... "How
to Get Back Into."

All right. Come on, you heroes.

Snap it up. I gotta
get you outta here.

Here we go, up and over.

O'Rourke, you
true blood brother.

For this, we throw in ten
extra beads every moccasin.

Oh, thanks a heap. Come on.

You even talk like Injun.

Come on, come on, come on.

Hey, chief! Chief, look.

Me save flag!

Big deal.

Get the guys outta the
guardhouse, will ya?

And put Vanderbilt
back in the tower,

and I'll let 'em in.

Who we fightin' now,
sarge? The captain?

Never mind, just go get 'em out.

Good, man. Good.
Two-foot intervals.

Parallel to the ground.

Overlapping grip.

Good thinking, Wilton.
I'm mighty proud of you.

Thank you, Janey, but
you really have to give

some of the credit
to the manual.

It's all right in there.

Uh, excuse me, captain,

but this thing's
getti" mighty heavy.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Pardon me, Janey.

All right.

You ready, men?

Uh... on your marks.

Get... Ooh. Get set!

Go!

Well, it's nice to
have our captain back.

I'm fine.

Chief...

Chief, you've got to
honor this treaty we have,

otherwise, it's just
a pile of birch bark.

Sorry about that
attack, captain.

Me not know what come
over me to go on warpath.

Captain, you've
got to forgive him.

I mean, after all, for
hundreds of years,

this wild, Hekawi blood has
been pulsing through his veins.

Yeah, he just didn't really
know what he was doing, sir.

Could be it was spell of moon
that make chief break treaty.

Say, it could have been
the moon that kinda...

made the chief into a
Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Buffalo Hyde.

Well, chief, I'm going
to ask you for your word

that this treaty
will not be broken.

You have my word, captain.

Good.

Now I think we can all
be going back to the fort.

Yes, fine, fine.

Here we are.

Gladly.

Well... goodbye, all.

Oh, captain. Yeah?

Got a minute?

Yes, chief, what
can I do for ya?

Would you like a good buy

on a slightly used
Hekawi victory flag?

How much do you want for it?

Ten dollars.

Ten dollars?

Very rare.

Oh, well, I know...

This made by original
Hekawi maiden.