F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 31 - A Fort's Best Friend Is Not a Mother - full transcript

♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little
Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪



♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

That's it. Press on.

Press on. That...
That... That... That's it.

Duffy, get that
neckerchief fixed up.

Don't ever let me
see you like that again.

Allow me, sir.
Allow... Allow me, sir.

Thank you, sergeant.

I have to get a bigger boot.



There just isn't
room enough in there

for a hand, a watch and a foot.

A little humor always
loosens the men up.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Gee, I wonder when that
stage is going to get here.

I got it all figured
out, captain.

If they get here in
the next 20 minutes,

it'll be the earliest
they've ever been late.

Uh, sergeant.

Agarn.

Hut!

All right, now,
let's look alive.

We're not waiting only for the
mother of Captain Parmenter,

but for the wife of
General Ford Parmenter,

the sister-in-law of
Colonel Jupiter Parmenter

and the aunt of
Lucian Parmenter.

Uh, sergeant, sergeant, please.

I-I just call her Mom.

Eyes left!

Whoa!

She's not in there.

Didn't you have any passengers?

A full load.

I lost 'em in Laramie.

That Mrs. Parmenter ordered
me to drive the scenic route

through Yellowstone.

You mean my
mother's in Yellowstone?

No, she ordered me to
drop her inside the fort.

Injuns!

Injuns!

My mother's in there.

To the parapets, men.

On the double!

On the double!

Injuns!

Injun attack!

Injuns?

What Injuns? I
don't see no Injuns.

Look, over there.

The audacity of
you, you nincompoop.

Mom.

Vanderbilt, you cut that out.

That's my mother.

The captain's mother, an Injun?

Wilton.

Here, we are.

Well.

All right, Dobbs, put
it down any place.

Well, if you don't
give me a hand,

that any place is liable
to be on top of me.

Easy.

Ah, ah. Agarn, Agarn.

Please, please, please.

Yeah? Well, I could've
done the same thing, sarge.

I just didn't have a
hat box to balance me.

Now, these are
certainly not quarters

befitting a Parmenter.

Why didn't you write
to me and tell me?

You know that we have
friends in Washington.

Well, I think it's
very nice, Mother.

Oh, uh, Dobbs, Agarn.

Would you take Mrs. Parmenter's
trunk into the bedroom, please?

Okay, sarge. Easy, ma'am.

Okay, Dobbs. Here
we go, one more time.

Uh, oh, uh, hold it, hold it.

Here we go.

There we are.

Be careful.

Oh, there we are.

Well, ma'am, it looks like
you intend to be with us

for quite a spell.

Oh, no. Just a few days.

I'm taking the next
stage to California.

Oh, well, the bedroom is
all fixed up for you, ma'am.

I'm sure you're gonna be comfy

and don't you worry
about the captain none

because we put a cot
over in our quarters for him.

You mean, I'm going
to be in there alone?

What about the Indians?

Oh, they have their own
place to sleep, ma'am.

That's right, Mother,

the Hekawis have a lovely
village down by the lake.

Yeah. Well, men,
let's... Let's us go

and leave the
captain his mother.

Ma'am, captain.

Oh, thanks a million, fellas.

I sure appreciate it.

It's all right, captain.

Bye, now.

They're a wonderful
bunch of fellas.

Wilton, you're entirely too
familiar with your subordinates.

Your father, the general,
would never approve.

Mother, I am the commanding
officer of F Troop. Not father.

And I have to run Fort
Courage in my own way.

Wilton, you are raising
your voice to your mother.

No, no, I'm not, that's
just my captain's voice.

Look out for the chair. Oh.

Oh, darling, did you get hurt?

There you go again, Mother.

You're still doing it to me.

I never would have bumped
into the desk if you hadn't

warned me about the chair.

Oh, well, if you wanted
to bump into a chair.

Mother, I want you
to treat me as an adult.

A soldier.

A leader of men.

Why, do you know
what the Indians call me?

The Scourge of the West.

The Scourge?

What a terrible thing to
call a nice boy like you.

Mother, I am not a boy.

I am a captain in the
United States Cavalry.

And that is another thing.

Why are you still a
captain, aren't you trying?

Morning, Wilton.

Oh. Janey.

Here, I'd like you
to meet my mother.

Mother this is my friend,
Miss Jane Angelica Thrift.

How do you do, ma'am.

Your son's told
me all about you.

Well, my son didn't
tell me all about you.

Oh, sure I did, Mother.

That was in the same
letter where I told you

not to send my umbrella.

I brang ya some partridge
pie for you and your Ma.

Oh, thank you, Janey.

Brang.

How quaint.

Oh, pardon me, I brung
it, and I also shot it.

Janey's the best
shot in Fort Courage.

Why, she can do practically
anything with a gun.

Well, I suppose that's
one way to get a husband.

Well, I wouldn't dream
of using a gun on Wilton.

Well, I guess I'll
be moseying on.

Yes, mosey on by all means.

Thanks a lot for the pie, Janey.

I'll be seeing you around?

You can bet a bucket
of buzzards you will.

That means I'll
be moseying back.

Bye, Janey. Here, I'll get that.

Janey's a real friendly girl,
and she's a wonderful cook too.

Wait till you taste
this partridge pie.

- I - think I will
unpack my trunk.

Oh, why go to all that bother?

The California stage
will be through here

a day after tomorrow.

Oh, there'll be others.

I've decided to
stay a little longer.

Really? Why?

Wilton, there are things
far more dangerous

that can happen to a
son than wild Indians.

Hut!

F Troop all present
and accounted for, sir.

Very good, sergeant.

I told you yesterday to
have that rat's nest trimmed.

Yes, sir.

Ma'am.

Mother.

I am merely
trying to help, dear.

I made a general
out of your father,

and I can make a
general out of you.

Continue with your
inspection, dear.

Sarge, we gotta get rid of mama.

How are we gonna
ship our souvenirs

with her snooping around?

I'm working on it.
I'm working on it.

Captain Parmenter,
this man is asleep.

Oh, I know, Mother.

That's Private Duddleson,
he does that quite often.

Sergeant.

Agarn.

Duddleson! Bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed.

Vanderbilt, where
are your glasses?

Ain't I got 'em on?

Oh.

How on earth did you
ever get into the cavalry?

I didn't mean to.

I was riding a horse,

and it followed a
bunch of other horses.

Oh, by the way, Dobbs.

Reveille sounded
just fine this morning.

Thank you, sir.

As a matter of fact, it didn't
sound quite like reveille to me.

Well, it weren't,
ma'am, strictly speaking.

It was "Home Sweet Home."

I played it in your honor.

Oh, now, wasn't that a
thoughtful gesture, Mother?

Wilton, it's going to
take longer with you

than it did with your father.

But we can't make
her leave, corporal.

She's the captain's mother.

Sarge, we gotta do something.

Half the men are talking about
a transfer to a fighting outfit.

Even the horses
want transfers. All right.

She keeps bothering
me about my moustache,

I'm going home to my wife.

You ain't even married, Duffy.

No wonder I don't get no mail.

Inspections?

That's all she ever thinks of.

Inspect the barracks.
Inspect the mess hall.

Inspect the town.

Sarge, we gotta get rid of her.

We're gonna get rid of her.

Don't worry.

She even wants us to dig a moat.

Who we fighting? Robin Hood?

Well, relax, will ya?

She is practically on her
way out of here right now.

Now, take it easy, sarge.

It ain't gonna be too
rough on her, is it?

Because if anything happens
to the captain's mama,

he'll massacre the
whole bunch of us.

Agarn, use your head.

I'm not gonna hurt
the captain's mother.

She's the general's wife.

She wants to inspect the town,

Well, I'll give her
something to inspect.

Sergeant, I see no
reason for this escort duty.

This is the most peaceful
town I've ever seen.

Ah, you don't know
Fort Courage, ma'am.

A regular powder keg, ma'am.

Why it's liable to
explode any second.

Any second!

Well, like I was saying, ma'am,

Fort Courage is a
regular powder keg,

just liable to blow
up any second.

Well, it just did.

Those desperados
robbed that bank.

Hm. Aw, shucks, ma'am,

why, they do that
almost every day.

Yes, and now, there
is our stage depot.

And our blacksmith's shop.

Uh... Oh, ma'am.

Here is our little
ice cream parlor.

It's real picturesque.

Really.

Why would I want to look
at an ice cream parlor?

We have dozens of ice
cream parlors in Philadelphia.

Well, it's part of
our job, ma'am.

We have to check
on the sarsaparilla.

Yeah, sometimes they
make it awful strong.

What was that?

Oh, just some of the boys
having a little fun, ma'am.

Oh, yes, they certainly
are having some fun.

They don't have that much fun
in Philadelphia on sarsaparilla.

I think we better
go someplace else.

Where?

It's just as bad all over town.

Oh.

Well, I... I guess
we can go now.

Everybody seems to be dead.

Ah, it's working.

Now, listen, you get Mother
Parmenter back to the fort,

and I'll get all those
bodies on their feet

and back into uniform
before the captain gets wise.

Right, sarge.

But Mrs. Parmenter, I
thought you liked the West.

Horace Greeley had a
terrible sense of direction.

I'm taking the next stage
back to Philadelphia.

I don't understand why you
changed your mind so suddenly.

Can't we talk you
out of leaving?

Ah, don't even try captain.

I mean, once a general's wife
has made up her mind, well, uh,

wild horses couldn't change it.

We're all going to miss
you, Mother, won't we?

Oh, we will. Yes,
we're gonna miss you.

You betcha, ma'am.

Have a nice trip.

Well, Wilton won't miss me.

Oh. Why won't I?

Because I have telegraphed
our friends in Washington,

asking them to
arrange for your transfer.

This is no place
for a Parmenter.

Problem, problem.

Every time you show
up, bring new problem.

Before paleface come
here, Injun have no problem.

Yeah. Injun had no
money neither. Yeah.

Never think of it that way.

We gotta do something quick,

or we're gonna lose
Captain Parmenter.

Mama wants to transfer him east.

And that is bad.

O'Rourke Enterprises
needs great white pigeon.

You gotta help us, Wild Eagle.

Okay, you come to right bird.

Eagle best one.
Take care of pigeon.

Ha.

Get it?

Eagle. Pigeon.

Wait a minute. Hold it, will ya?

We want you to
hold a council of war.

War? Oh, sit down.

Hekawis not fighters. We lovers.

There ain't gonna be no fight.

Council of war but no fight?

Wait a minute.

We gotta get rid
of Mrs. Parmenter.

Now, I'll tell you something.

She is scared to
death of wild Injuns.

Not blame her.

Wild Eagle feel same way.

Before she can
arrange this transfer,

we have gotta convince
her that the whole West

is gonna fall apart
if her son leaves.

Now...

this is what we're gonna do.

Janey, I wish you'd stop.

I can't.

Your ma's just sent
another telegram,

and I know she's
gonna get you a transfer.

Well, that's no reason to cry.

They'll send another
commanding officer to F Troop.

Now, Dobbs, we must be brave.

I'm sorry, sir, but this is
the saddest day of my life.

You can't leave us, captain.

Now, now, Vanderbilt, stop that.

Now, you're going
to rust up your rims.

It's terrible.

Oh, no, Duffy.

Wilton, if I only had
something to remember you by.

A flower, a picture,

a diamond engagement ring.

Janey, I told you
I... I would write you.

And I'll even send you a
birthday present every June.

Thank you.

And I won't open it till
November. On my birthday.

I thought it was June.

Now, whose...? Oh,
that's... That's my birthday.

Captain, you just can't leave.

It started already.

It has? What has?

Injun trouble. Big smoke.

I just heard it from Agarn.

The chiefs of the
Western Nations

are having a council of
war up at the Hekawi camp.

We have a treaty
with the Hekawis.

It's not worth the birch
bark it's written on, sir.

Not if you leave.

Really?

There is only one man
that can keep the peace, sir.

The Scourge of the West.

You gotta stay, Wilton.

I need you, and Fort
Courage needs you.

The whole West needs you.

You're right.

But what will I tell my mother?

Dismount.

Oh, I still say that it's
absolutely ridiculous

to come out here
and pick flowers.

Really, Mother?

Well, I thought the sergeant's
suggestion was very thoughtful.

Thoughtful?

What if we run into
some wild Indians?

Oh, you don't have to
worry about Injuns, ma'am.

They're afraid of your son.

Yeah, that's right, Mother.

And besides, Sgt. O'Rourke
and Cpl. Agarn are out

on patrol just ahead of us,

and they know how to
handle wild Indians. Come on.

Come on, now, Wild
Eagle, let's get organized.

They're gonna be
here any minute.

You palefaces always in hurry.

All right, boys, line up.

Oh, fine, fine, yes.

Now, pay attention.

Sergeant give you
rundown on act.

Now, it's very simple.

You're all chiefs, see.

And you're having
a council of war.

And when Captain Parmenter
and his mother get here,

all you've got to do is convince
her that if he goes back east,

you're all going on the warpath.

Uh, question.

What is it?

How we find warpath?

Never mind path.

First, find brain.

So there won't be any mix up,

Wild Eagle here is
gonna tell each one of you

which chief you are.

Running Deer, you
Apache Chief Cochise.

Crazy Cat, you famous
Sioux warrior Sitting Bull.

What that for?

Me savage warrior.

Don't waste in
practice. Save for show.

Papa Bear, you great
leader Crazy Horse.

Nice.

Wait.

Why Papa be Crazy
Horse, why no me?

What's the difference?

Big difference.

I Crazy Cat.

I make better Crazy
Horse than Papa Bear.

I crazy to begin with.

Oh, will you shut up.

They're gonna be
here any second.

Remember, you warriors.

Not Hekawis.

Wait a minute. Where's Geronimo?

Geronimo!

Will you knuckleheads stop?

That's Agarn.

Have more Injuns like
him, we not lose West.

What do you think of
the paint job, sarge?

Beautiful, beautiful.

All right, now, remember,

we do the whole thing
just like we rehearsed it.

Come on.

Hey, captain, look. Turkeys.

Vanderbilt, no.

It's a council of war.

With turkeys?

Who would they fight, chickens?

No, they're Indians.

Indians! Oh, no, no.

Good thinking, Mother.

Everybody down.

Chance to do a little spying.

Me, Geronimo,
ferocious chief of Apache,

call council of war to order.

Second motion.

Tell us, ferocious Geronimo,

why you round up
chiefs for meeting.

Me have big news
about Scourge of West.

Time for fear, my
brothers, is over.

Scourge of West go east.

When Scourge depart for
east, Injuns take back West.

We kill!

Kill, kill, kill.

We burn!

Burn, burn, burn.

We pillage!

Pillage, pillage, pillage.

What means "pillage"?

Who knows. Play along.

Council of war end
with big war dance.

Begone, captain.

Wilton, they're afraid of you.

Those wild Indians are
actually afraid of you.

After all, Mother,
I am a Parmenter.

Look, captain, they've
got Sergeant O'Rourke.

All right, now.

Not too tight, fellas.

What's the idea of that?

Gotta make it look good, sarge.

All right, make it look
good, but not too good.

Now, go ahead, start your dance.

Right. Come on.

Burn, burn.

Agarn, break it up, will ya?

Oh, Wilton.

They're burning the
sergeant to a crisp.

Dobbs, take care of my mother.

Yes, sir.

Ready, men?

Charge!

Wait!

Scourge of West!

Everybody run for life!

Mrs. Parmenter.

Captain, you've done it again.

It's all part of
winning the West.

Ow.

You can't go in there.

Oh, quiet.

Buglers don't tell
General's wives what to do.

Captain.

Wilton! Are you all right?

Dobbs, I told you to
keep my mother on the hill.

I'm sorry, captain,
but she wouldn't stay.

Wilton, you were marvelous.

Simply marvelous.

Captain, it is hot in here.

Oh, pardon me, Mother, I
have to go rescue a sergeant.

Don't burn yourself, dear.

Don't you worry about
him none, ma'am.

He's really something.

My son, the Scourge.

Gentlemen, I was
wrong in requesting

a transfer for your captain.

His place is here
in the West with you.

And my place is here beside him.

Mother, that's
not quite accurate.

Now, true, my place
is here with my men.

But a fort in the Wild West
is no place for a mother.

You're leaving on the
stage for Philadelphia.

But, Wilton, I...

Sorry, Mother, that's an order.

But I'm not dressed
for traveling.

I haven't packed. I can't go.

Dobbs.

Oh, Wilton. You
are so masterful.

All Parmenters are masterful.

All aboard for Philadelphia.

Goodbye, Mother.
Give my love to Father.

Goodbye, Wilton.

I guess Philadelphia
needs me after all.

Goodbye, troops.

Ma'am.

Now, be sure to write.

And you be sure to wear
your rubbers when it rains.

All right, Joe, take it away.